Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e06 Episode Script
Man's Best Friend is Not His Dog
( theme song playing ) Mm-hmm Anything interesting, Colonel? Yeah, might be-- it's from Burkhalter.
It's an order to keep all prisoners in the barracks today until 4:00.
Why? Doesn't say.
I wonder what it is they don't want us to see.
I'm curious myself.
I'll put this back on Klink's desk after 4:00.
Hey, look what I found.
( men fussing ) You'd better lose him, quick.
I thought we'd keep him for a pet.
Come on, you know the camp rules-- we're not allowed to have pets.
( dog whimpers ) You see, he knows what you're saying.
Sorry, I don't make up the rules.
Can we please keep him, Colonel? He's a great watchdog.
LeBeau, this is a prison camp-- nobody's breaking in.
You're going to have to get rid of him.
( dog whining ) Sorry, old-timer.
Oh, it's a rotten shame.
It'd be fun to have a dog.
SCHULTZ: What are we doing inside? The schedule calls for calisthenics.
Schultz, we're getting a little bored with the pushups.
We're planning a different kind of exercise.
What do you have in mind? A cross-country run.
Hmm, yeah, yeah Running in the fresh air, it's very good exercise Out of the question, absolutely out of the question.
Now you're supposed to guess.
I'll do the imitation again.
( whimpering ) ( yipping ) That's a dog! Right-- give that man a cigar.
Now, for my next imitation Ah, that animal is against the rules! But you have dogs in camp.
Those are killers.
To keep a dog for pleasure is not permitted.
All right, hold it.
We're just going to have to cut Schultz in.
You familiar with this breed? SCHULTZ: With that? It's a little bit of this, a little bit of that.
You hit it right on the head.
A lot of dogs have two or three different breeds.
That dog has five percent of 20 different breeds.
There's only three like him in the world.
He's worth a fortune.
Is that right? But if he is so valuable, how come you have him? Well, the dog doesn't belong to us, he's lost.
And the owner has offered a reward for his return-- What are we waiting for? Let's collect the reward.
What's the rush? It will go up to 500 marks, and we're partners.
( chuckling ) Who would be that stupid to give so much money? General Brechschneider? Yup, he is that stupid.
Now, Hogan, we are partners? We have a contract.
Coochie-coochie ( barks ) ( muttering ) Colonel, does that mean I can keep him? Of course not.
Only until General Brechschneider pays the reward of 500 marks.
HOGAN: One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
( mechanical rumbling ) One Wow, look at the size of those tanks.
No wonder they wanted us to stay in the barracks.
It's their newest model, mounted 88s.
Heavier armor plate, faster, bigger tracks.
Be nice if the Allies knew about this.
Carter now.
Okay, Colonel.
( yells ) Oh, it's the heat! It's worse.
Oh, I feel like I Carter! Just faint.
All right, all right, give him air.
It must have been the cold that caused it.
All right, Carter, out with the camera, quick.
I want a lot of pictures.
Keep them coming, and don't stop.
I want plenty of them, get them all.
LeBEAU: Here comes the commandant.
HOGAN: All right, watch out, quick.
SCHULTZ: Attention! Everybody, attention! What's going on here? Why isn't this man at attention? I believe he's fainted, commandant.
That's no excuse-- that's very unmilitary.
I'll speak sharply to him when he comes to.
( groans ) Aha! The new tanks.
Oh, is that your new ones, sir? I hadn't noticed.
You wouldn't notice till they walked right up to you and bit you.
( laughs heartily ) ( laughs weakly ) What are your men doing here? Just following your orders about calisthenics-- you know, mens sana in corpore sano-- a sound mind in a sound body.
You don't have to translate to me; I understand French.
It's Latin.
Your accent is terrible.
Go on with your calisthenics! All right, let's have it! Exercises! Mmm, there is no word from General Brechschneider about the dog, huh? Not yet, but the longer he waits, the higher the reward will be.
Exercises! Exercises All right, Carter.
Keep taking pictures.
I'll try to keep Klink from wandering around.
Get plenty of them.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in.
Yes, Hogan, what is it? I, uh, I, um You know, Hogan, I didn't like that man fainting.
That doesn't look very good.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I think he needs a rest.
Oh, you do, huh? Mm-hmm.
How about a resort in the Swiss Alps? I understand the skiing is very good this time of year.
Sounds good.
Seems to me a warmer climate-- say, uh, the French Riviera would be good.
Oh how about a real vacation, maybe a few weeks in Berlin? No, from what I hear, it's too hot for anyone in Berlin right now.
Missed a spot by your sideburn, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Hogan, let me remind you of something Oh, oh, General Burkhalter.
What a pleasure to see you, sir.
Klink, how is it that you get so much more pleasure out of seeing me than I do out of seeing you? Because you're a better man, sir.
You're much more of a human being.
You have wonderful qualities Klink, shut up and wipe your face.
Wipe my face Oh, I was shaving, sir, shaving.
Glad to hear it-- I thought you had rabies.
"Rabies" oh, that's a good one.
Very funny, "rabies.
" What are those prisoners doing at the fence? Exercising, sir.
That's just part of my program.
You know the old Latin saying, uh Mens sana in corpore sano.
That's the one.
So you thought that was more important than the special order I sent this morning telling you to keep the prisoners in their barracks?! KLINK: Sir, I didn't get any order.
I give you my word of honor as an officer and a gentleman, I received nothing.
Please, please, take a look for yourself, sir.
Now, there was no order in here.
Now, you know very well I would never overlook.
Tell me, Mr.
Officer and Gentleman, how did this get here? Was it left by the Good Fairy? I, I Klink! The High Command wanted a certain operation as secret as possible.
Well! I can assure you, General Burkhalter, nothing gets out of this prison.
Don't be too sure.
You may be getting out.
Sir, the prisoners did not see a thing.
I can assure you.
Colonel Hogan, you were with them; now, you didn't see any new tanks, did you? Not until you called them to my attention, sir.
Allied High Command in London.
They want the pictures of the new tanks right away, huh? "An agent will pick them up.
Wait for contact with a 'Rumpelstiltskin.
'" Who is Rumpelstiltskin? Well, since he's going to get in touch with us, it's someone who's in camp right now-- or is coming here.
All done.
And a good job, if I do say so myself.
Yeah very good.
This all you took? Yeah, well, Schultz came, you know, and chased us back to the barracks.
I was going to put another roll in the camera, but I didn't have time Oh, boy.
What's the matter? I left the camera near the fence.
Of all the idiotic things.
If they find that camera before we do, we're in trouble.
I think I'm really going to faint.
KLINK: No film.
Exactly where did you find this? Near the fence, Herr Kommandant.
Where the men were exercising? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, if nobody claims it, may I keep it? Don't worry, somebody will claim it.
Oh, you know who owns it? Of course I know.
But he doesn't know that I know, which means that I know what he doesn't know.
Do you know what that means? That I don't get the camera.
Stupid-- that means that I am much smarter than Colonel Hogan.
This time he's gone too far.
If you're worried about them finding that camera, all we have to do is deny we ever saw it.
Yeah, it's their word against ours, sir.
It isn't that simple.
Once Klink's suspicion is aroused, it's going to make it that much harder for Rumpelstiltskin to contact us.
In the meantime, until we know exactly where, when and with whom the contact is being made, I'm going to carry this film around with me all the time.
It does make it a problem.
Sticky wicket.
Go on, say it! It's all my fault.
Why don't you say it? All right, it's all your fault.
It is? You mean it? Of course not, Carter, it was an accident-- could have happened to anyone.
If we weren't ordered to stay in the barracks, we could find that camera, sir.
Just have to wait and play it by ear.
I feel just awful.
It really was my fault.
ALL: Hi, Schultz.
It's all right, it's all right.
You don't have to get up, it's just a social visit.
Everybody feel good? Mm-hmm.
Good! Must have heard some bad news about somebody to feel so good.
I know nothing nothing.
I wouldn't call that a secret, Schultz.
Mmm, something smells very good.
Schultz Now, please, please.
Mmm ( chuckles ) It needs a little bit more salt.
( barks ) What's the matter with him? You're eating his dinner.
Don't worry, there's plenty left for you.
When are we going to collect the reward? Oh, we're waiting for General Steiner to make a better offer.
"General Steiner"? You told me Breckschneider owns the dog.
Oh, well, they're partners.
I mean, a valuable dog like that couldn't be owned by one man, Schultz.
Well, to me he looks like an ordinary dog.
Well, to some people, a diamond looks like a piece of glass.
Well, then, make it as fast as possible.
You know the regulations.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, what was it I wanted to tell you? What was it? What was it?! Worst acting I've ever seen.
Mmm! Ah It was on the tip of my brain.
What was it? Ah now I remember.
Yeah, I thought you would.
The commandant wants you to clean up the yard.
Any particular area, Schultz? Yeah, wait a minute, let me think.
Where we were exercising today? Yeah, and he doesn't want you to miss any cigarette butts.
Okay.
Well, we know where the camera is.
Where? Right where you left it.
Klink found it, put it back to trap us.
Come on, let's go.
KINCH: What are we going to do, Colonel? For one thing, do a better job of acting than he just did.
HOGAN: All right, I want all these cigarette butts picked up.
All of them? All of them.
Okay.
You know, we're supposed to be prisoners of war, not domestics, sir.
That's right, you tell him.
HOGAN: Just get them all.
Even the paper, sir? All of them.
Want to be proud of this camp.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah, sure.
Here we go, then.
Hey! Look what I found.
It's a camera, isn't it? LeBEAU: Looks like a camera.
KINCH: Yeah, I wonder whose it is.
It's not mine.
I don't know, it looks like an expensive one.
Newkirk? Sir? Take this to Klink's office.
Someone may be looking for it, huh? Never mind! Hold it! Colonel Klink.
Oh, you saved me a trip, sir, I was going to take this camera to your office.
That's right, some idiot left it here.
Careful what you are saying.
The idiot you are talking about is Commandant Klink.
Schultz! You shouldn't leave an expensive camera like that laying around.
Neither should you.
Colonel, what are you talking about? Hogan, don't play games with me, just tell me that this is your camera.
Okay, it's my camera.
Aha! Then you admit it.
No, you asked me to tell you and I did.
Is there anything else you want me to tell you? All right, Hogan, if you say it's not your camera, we'll let it go just at that.
No hard feelings? None at all, sir.
Uh-huh.
Schultz.
Klink isn't going to rest until he gets this.
Weren't you afraid he would search you? Not a chance-- he's sure I wouldn't be foolish enough to carry it with me.
We should have searched him.
He certainly would not be carrying the film on him.
Wouldn't he be hiding it? We are going to surprise Hogan when he least expects it.
Get a few men, and in exactly one hour be ready to make a thorough search.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! ( phone rings ) Colonel Klink speaking.
This is General Burkhalter.
Ah, General Burkhalter, this is indeed a great pleasure.
Klink, stop with the pleasure.
Sir, I cannot help myself, I must be honest.
Get your camp in order.
Tomorrow morning, the Swiss Prison Commission is paying you a visit and I want a favorable report.
Don't worry, sir, I'm ready at all time for an inspection.
Pick out some special prisoners for them to interview, ones you can depend on to say they are happy.
And make sure nobody is in solitary confinement.
It's as good as done, Herr General.
And may I say to you, sir, that Prussian.
Oh, don't tell me you're going to feed that swill to that poor dog.
It isn't for him; this is our dinner.
What is it? I never know till I finish it.
Oh, it'll be the finish of us, mate.
( laughs ) I suppose nobody by the name of "Rumpelstiltskin" showed up? No, we've had two "Rumpelmeyers" and a "Meyerrumpel," that's all.
He'll show up sooner or later.
Yeah, well, we're running out of time.
I don't feel safe with this film on me.
Any minute now, Klink will show up and Attention! The Commandant is here! There he is.
Nobody move! Stay right where you are.
I want every inch of this place searched, and the men, too.
Now, don't miss a thing, look everywhere.
Search the footlockers, the mattresses.
I don't want you to miss anything.
What was that dog doing here? He didn't say.
Search everybody! Okay.
Looking for anything in particular? NEWKIRK: We'd be glad to help, sir.
I mean, give us a clue.
Is it animal, vegetable, mineral? Put them all in the cooler! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
We'll see if they feel like making jokes there.
Wait! They don't go into the cooler? No.
The Swiss Prison Commission is coming tomorrow.
Now, after they go, we'll take care of it.
Now get this place cleaned up.
There may be an inspection later.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Clean up this place! NEWKIRK: Aye, Schultz.
Hey, what'd you do with the film, Colonel? Must have had a great hiding place-- they searched everywhere.
I put it in the bone the dog ran off with.
I told you he was a smart dog.
Colonel, do you think that Swiss Commission I do-- Rumpelstiltskin is one of them.
It all fits perfectly.
Hey, speaking of the dog, where is he? ( dog barking, scratching door ) There he is.
LeBEAU: There's my little baby.
Where's the bone? I'll send him to find it.
Okay show us where you hid the bone.
Go on, baby, we'll give the bone back.
Come on, show us.
Maybe if we gave him another bone, he'd take it to the same place.
Good idea.
Here you are, baby, take it.
That's a good boy.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Right here.
Huh? Huh? ( barks ) Hey, hey, hey.
Huh? Not this one.
The one you took from me before.
The one I gave you back in the barracks.
You can trust us.
Please show us where it is.
( barking ) Ah, welcome to Stalag 13.
This is indeed a great pleasure, a privilege This is Colonel Klink.
Herr Kommandant, Herr Kraft.
Herr Kraft.
Monsieur Bonner.
Monsieur Bonner.
Of the Swiss Prison Commission.
And Hanna Vogel, deputy leader of the Nazi Youth Group.
She's escorting them to the different prison camps.
If I had known that you were coming here, I would have prepared this camp.
Of course, you see it as it really is.
Klink, they know I called you yesterday to say they were coming.
Oh.
It, uh, must have slipped my mind.
I think it is criminal to keep the prisoners in luxury while our men are fighting at the front.
I quite agree.
Uh, but, uh, the laws of humanity must always be observed, of course.
The prisoners, they get enough to eat? Oh, indeed they do.
As a matter of fact, they eat the same food I do, and, uh, you can see I am in tip-top condition.
I eat the same food, too.
Naturally, he eats more.
Do you have any men in solitary confinement? Of course not.
To tell you the truth, I don't even know where those cells are.
That's how much we use them.
Gentlemen, I know you are short of time.
Suppose we start the inspection.
Follow me.
HOGAN: Well, looks like we've had it-- he's going to sleep for a week.
And he calls himself "Man's Best Friend.
" They finished the inspection.
They're heading back to Klink's quarters.
Well, that does it.
Better get over and tell Rumpelstiltskin-- whoever he is-- we don't have the film.
Break it to him gently, Colonel.
Merci.
Everything seems to be in order.
Yes, from what I've seen, I have no complaints.
Gentlemen I try to make my prison as homelike as possible.
I often ask myself, "What would I want if I were a prisoner?" And then I answer myself.
I say, "Klink"-- that's my name, "Klink.
" I say That's enough, Klink.
But I am not satisfied.
Believe me the Führer is going to hear how soft they have it here.
How they even have showers.
Cold showers.
Ooh-- there is one thing we didn't do.
We are supposed to interview a prisoner.
Certainly.
Schultz, go to Barracks G and ( knocking ) Hogan? Very sorry, sir, I didn't realize you're entertaining.
Out, dismissed.
No, no, wait, Colonel Klink.
We will talk to this prisoner.
Colonel Hogan? Oh, sir, I have a much better man for you.
Very intelligent, let me get him.
Schultz, please.
BONNER: No.
This man will do.
He is supposed to be picked at random.
Of course, but you see, this man in Barracks G, oh, you just won't find anyone more random, sir.
Schultz, please.
Colonel Hogan? These men are from the Swiss Prison Commission.
They would like to talk to you.
I'll be happy to tell them whatever they want to know.
I'm sure Colonel Hogan has a million things to do.
Let me find someone who is not so busy.
Schultz, please.
I haven't anything to do.
I'm entirely at your disposal.
Good.
Good.
Now, tell me, do you have any complaints? Well Excuse me, I have a cold.
Rumpelstiltskin! Standing around without any clothes on and I seem to have caught a cold.
What were you doing without clothes? He's a sun worshipper.
He just can't get enough sun.
In this weather? That's what I said to him: "In this weather?" Rumpelstiltskin! Now, I ask you, do you have anything to complain of? HOGAN: Well, uh Actually, I have nothing to complain of.
You see, gentlemen, Colonel Hogan is truly a representative of our camp as a whole.
Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Dismissed.
If you gentlemen are through, will you please sign the inspection report? Oh, certainly.
( barking ) Now you show up.
Colonel Hogan? You are supposed to be standing at attention.
Why? Because I'm talking to one of the "master race"? I could have you shot for talking to me like that.
I'll bet you would, too.
Tell me, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? I came here to meet a friend.
Is that right? Rumpelstiltskin.
You're Rumpelstiltskin? Better give me the film before they come out.
I haven't got it.
Where is it? Ask this silly dog.
They were searching us and he Shh.
Here they come.
Ah, General Burkhalter, this has been a most enjoyable visit.
I wish we had more time to just sit around and Good-bye, Klink.
BURKHALTER: You see? That is why we have a rule against dogs.
Naughty, naughty.
KLINK: I will get rid of that dog right away, sir.
Schultz? SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
KLINK: Get that dog out of here.
I have a better idea.
Fräulein, do you like dogs? Why, ja, I do.
Please accept this one as a gift from the boys here at Stalag 13.
Uh, here, you may as well take along his favorite bone, too.
I'll just put it in your doggy bag.
Why, uh, thank you very much.
Sergeant Schultz? Tell the others we are ready to leave.
After you've had him awhile, you'll develop a real affection for him.
What is his name? "Rumpelstiltskin.
" Hogan, I appreciate that what you told them helped me get the highest rating we've ever had in this camp.
But.
But there is still the matter of the missing film from the camera, and I'm going to report that to General Burkhalter.
When Burkhalter finds out you think there was a film and you haven't got it, you're really going to be in big trouble-- whether there is any film or not.
So far, it's only in your mind.
Do you want to put it in his? If only I could be sure.
Could have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you'd just asked me two questions which I would have answered truthfully.
What questions? Well, if before you started the search, you had come to me and said, "Colonel Hogan, do you have the film?" I would have said, "No, I do not.
" And then if you had said, "Do you know where the film is?" I would have said, "No, I do not.
" And I give you my word it would have been the truth.
I believe you.
But there's another question: "Was there any film?" Sorry-- only answer two questions at a time.
It's an order to keep all prisoners in the barracks today until 4:00.
Why? Doesn't say.
I wonder what it is they don't want us to see.
I'm curious myself.
I'll put this back on Klink's desk after 4:00.
Hey, look what I found.
( men fussing ) You'd better lose him, quick.
I thought we'd keep him for a pet.
Come on, you know the camp rules-- we're not allowed to have pets.
( dog whimpers ) You see, he knows what you're saying.
Sorry, I don't make up the rules.
Can we please keep him, Colonel? He's a great watchdog.
LeBeau, this is a prison camp-- nobody's breaking in.
You're going to have to get rid of him.
( dog whining ) Sorry, old-timer.
Oh, it's a rotten shame.
It'd be fun to have a dog.
SCHULTZ: What are we doing inside? The schedule calls for calisthenics.
Schultz, we're getting a little bored with the pushups.
We're planning a different kind of exercise.
What do you have in mind? A cross-country run.
Hmm, yeah, yeah Running in the fresh air, it's very good exercise Out of the question, absolutely out of the question.
Now you're supposed to guess.
I'll do the imitation again.
( whimpering ) ( yipping ) That's a dog! Right-- give that man a cigar.
Now, for my next imitation Ah, that animal is against the rules! But you have dogs in camp.
Those are killers.
To keep a dog for pleasure is not permitted.
All right, hold it.
We're just going to have to cut Schultz in.
You familiar with this breed? SCHULTZ: With that? It's a little bit of this, a little bit of that.
You hit it right on the head.
A lot of dogs have two or three different breeds.
That dog has five percent of 20 different breeds.
There's only three like him in the world.
He's worth a fortune.
Is that right? But if he is so valuable, how come you have him? Well, the dog doesn't belong to us, he's lost.
And the owner has offered a reward for his return-- What are we waiting for? Let's collect the reward.
What's the rush? It will go up to 500 marks, and we're partners.
( chuckling ) Who would be that stupid to give so much money? General Brechschneider? Yup, he is that stupid.
Now, Hogan, we are partners? We have a contract.
Coochie-coochie ( barks ) ( muttering ) Colonel, does that mean I can keep him? Of course not.
Only until General Brechschneider pays the reward of 500 marks.
HOGAN: One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
( mechanical rumbling ) One Wow, look at the size of those tanks.
No wonder they wanted us to stay in the barracks.
It's their newest model, mounted 88s.
Heavier armor plate, faster, bigger tracks.
Be nice if the Allies knew about this.
Carter now.
Okay, Colonel.
( yells ) Oh, it's the heat! It's worse.
Oh, I feel like I Carter! Just faint.
All right, all right, give him air.
It must have been the cold that caused it.
All right, Carter, out with the camera, quick.
I want a lot of pictures.
Keep them coming, and don't stop.
I want plenty of them, get them all.
LeBEAU: Here comes the commandant.
HOGAN: All right, watch out, quick.
SCHULTZ: Attention! Everybody, attention! What's going on here? Why isn't this man at attention? I believe he's fainted, commandant.
That's no excuse-- that's very unmilitary.
I'll speak sharply to him when he comes to.
( groans ) Aha! The new tanks.
Oh, is that your new ones, sir? I hadn't noticed.
You wouldn't notice till they walked right up to you and bit you.
( laughs heartily ) ( laughs weakly ) What are your men doing here? Just following your orders about calisthenics-- you know, mens sana in corpore sano-- a sound mind in a sound body.
You don't have to translate to me; I understand French.
It's Latin.
Your accent is terrible.
Go on with your calisthenics! All right, let's have it! Exercises! Mmm, there is no word from General Brechschneider about the dog, huh? Not yet, but the longer he waits, the higher the reward will be.
Exercises! Exercises All right, Carter.
Keep taking pictures.
I'll try to keep Klink from wandering around.
Get plenty of them.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in.
Yes, Hogan, what is it? I, uh, I, um You know, Hogan, I didn't like that man fainting.
That doesn't look very good.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I think he needs a rest.
Oh, you do, huh? Mm-hmm.
How about a resort in the Swiss Alps? I understand the skiing is very good this time of year.
Sounds good.
Seems to me a warmer climate-- say, uh, the French Riviera would be good.
Oh how about a real vacation, maybe a few weeks in Berlin? No, from what I hear, it's too hot for anyone in Berlin right now.
Missed a spot by your sideburn, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Hogan, let me remind you of something Oh, oh, General Burkhalter.
What a pleasure to see you, sir.
Klink, how is it that you get so much more pleasure out of seeing me than I do out of seeing you? Because you're a better man, sir.
You're much more of a human being.
You have wonderful qualities Klink, shut up and wipe your face.
Wipe my face Oh, I was shaving, sir, shaving.
Glad to hear it-- I thought you had rabies.
"Rabies" oh, that's a good one.
Very funny, "rabies.
" What are those prisoners doing at the fence? Exercising, sir.
That's just part of my program.
You know the old Latin saying, uh Mens sana in corpore sano.
That's the one.
So you thought that was more important than the special order I sent this morning telling you to keep the prisoners in their barracks?! KLINK: Sir, I didn't get any order.
I give you my word of honor as an officer and a gentleman, I received nothing.
Please, please, take a look for yourself, sir.
Now, there was no order in here.
Now, you know very well I would never overlook.
Tell me, Mr.
Officer and Gentleman, how did this get here? Was it left by the Good Fairy? I, I Klink! The High Command wanted a certain operation as secret as possible.
Well! I can assure you, General Burkhalter, nothing gets out of this prison.
Don't be too sure.
You may be getting out.
Sir, the prisoners did not see a thing.
I can assure you.
Colonel Hogan, you were with them; now, you didn't see any new tanks, did you? Not until you called them to my attention, sir.
Allied High Command in London.
They want the pictures of the new tanks right away, huh? "An agent will pick them up.
Wait for contact with a 'Rumpelstiltskin.
'" Who is Rumpelstiltskin? Well, since he's going to get in touch with us, it's someone who's in camp right now-- or is coming here.
All done.
And a good job, if I do say so myself.
Yeah very good.
This all you took? Yeah, well, Schultz came, you know, and chased us back to the barracks.
I was going to put another roll in the camera, but I didn't have time Oh, boy.
What's the matter? I left the camera near the fence.
Of all the idiotic things.
If they find that camera before we do, we're in trouble.
I think I'm really going to faint.
KLINK: No film.
Exactly where did you find this? Near the fence, Herr Kommandant.
Where the men were exercising? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant, if nobody claims it, may I keep it? Don't worry, somebody will claim it.
Oh, you know who owns it? Of course I know.
But he doesn't know that I know, which means that I know what he doesn't know.
Do you know what that means? That I don't get the camera.
Stupid-- that means that I am much smarter than Colonel Hogan.
This time he's gone too far.
If you're worried about them finding that camera, all we have to do is deny we ever saw it.
Yeah, it's their word against ours, sir.
It isn't that simple.
Once Klink's suspicion is aroused, it's going to make it that much harder for Rumpelstiltskin to contact us.
In the meantime, until we know exactly where, when and with whom the contact is being made, I'm going to carry this film around with me all the time.
It does make it a problem.
Sticky wicket.
Go on, say it! It's all my fault.
Why don't you say it? All right, it's all your fault.
It is? You mean it? Of course not, Carter, it was an accident-- could have happened to anyone.
If we weren't ordered to stay in the barracks, we could find that camera, sir.
Just have to wait and play it by ear.
I feel just awful.
It really was my fault.
ALL: Hi, Schultz.
It's all right, it's all right.
You don't have to get up, it's just a social visit.
Everybody feel good? Mm-hmm.
Good! Must have heard some bad news about somebody to feel so good.
I know nothing nothing.
I wouldn't call that a secret, Schultz.
Mmm, something smells very good.
Schultz Now, please, please.
Mmm ( chuckles ) It needs a little bit more salt.
( barks ) What's the matter with him? You're eating his dinner.
Don't worry, there's plenty left for you.
When are we going to collect the reward? Oh, we're waiting for General Steiner to make a better offer.
"General Steiner"? You told me Breckschneider owns the dog.
Oh, well, they're partners.
I mean, a valuable dog like that couldn't be owned by one man, Schultz.
Well, to me he looks like an ordinary dog.
Well, to some people, a diamond looks like a piece of glass.
Well, then, make it as fast as possible.
You know the regulations.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, what was it I wanted to tell you? What was it? What was it?! Worst acting I've ever seen.
Mmm! Ah It was on the tip of my brain.
What was it? Ah now I remember.
Yeah, I thought you would.
The commandant wants you to clean up the yard.
Any particular area, Schultz? Yeah, wait a minute, let me think.
Where we were exercising today? Yeah, and he doesn't want you to miss any cigarette butts.
Okay.
Well, we know where the camera is.
Where? Right where you left it.
Klink found it, put it back to trap us.
Come on, let's go.
KINCH: What are we going to do, Colonel? For one thing, do a better job of acting than he just did.
HOGAN: All right, I want all these cigarette butts picked up.
All of them? All of them.
Okay.
You know, we're supposed to be prisoners of war, not domestics, sir.
That's right, you tell him.
HOGAN: Just get them all.
Even the paper, sir? All of them.
Want to be proud of this camp.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah, sure.
Here we go, then.
Hey! Look what I found.
It's a camera, isn't it? LeBEAU: Looks like a camera.
KINCH: Yeah, I wonder whose it is.
It's not mine.
I don't know, it looks like an expensive one.
Newkirk? Sir? Take this to Klink's office.
Someone may be looking for it, huh? Never mind! Hold it! Colonel Klink.
Oh, you saved me a trip, sir, I was going to take this camera to your office.
That's right, some idiot left it here.
Careful what you are saying.
The idiot you are talking about is Commandant Klink.
Schultz! You shouldn't leave an expensive camera like that laying around.
Neither should you.
Colonel, what are you talking about? Hogan, don't play games with me, just tell me that this is your camera.
Okay, it's my camera.
Aha! Then you admit it.
No, you asked me to tell you and I did.
Is there anything else you want me to tell you? All right, Hogan, if you say it's not your camera, we'll let it go just at that.
No hard feelings? None at all, sir.
Uh-huh.
Schultz.
Klink isn't going to rest until he gets this.
Weren't you afraid he would search you? Not a chance-- he's sure I wouldn't be foolish enough to carry it with me.
We should have searched him.
He certainly would not be carrying the film on him.
Wouldn't he be hiding it? We are going to surprise Hogan when he least expects it.
Get a few men, and in exactly one hour be ready to make a thorough search.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! ( phone rings ) Colonel Klink speaking.
This is General Burkhalter.
Ah, General Burkhalter, this is indeed a great pleasure.
Klink, stop with the pleasure.
Sir, I cannot help myself, I must be honest.
Get your camp in order.
Tomorrow morning, the Swiss Prison Commission is paying you a visit and I want a favorable report.
Don't worry, sir, I'm ready at all time for an inspection.
Pick out some special prisoners for them to interview, ones you can depend on to say they are happy.
And make sure nobody is in solitary confinement.
It's as good as done, Herr General.
And may I say to you, sir, that Prussian.
Oh, don't tell me you're going to feed that swill to that poor dog.
It isn't for him; this is our dinner.
What is it? I never know till I finish it.
Oh, it'll be the finish of us, mate.
( laughs ) I suppose nobody by the name of "Rumpelstiltskin" showed up? No, we've had two "Rumpelmeyers" and a "Meyerrumpel," that's all.
He'll show up sooner or later.
Yeah, well, we're running out of time.
I don't feel safe with this film on me.
Any minute now, Klink will show up and Attention! The Commandant is here! There he is.
Nobody move! Stay right where you are.
I want every inch of this place searched, and the men, too.
Now, don't miss a thing, look everywhere.
Search the footlockers, the mattresses.
I don't want you to miss anything.
What was that dog doing here? He didn't say.
Search everybody! Okay.
Looking for anything in particular? NEWKIRK: We'd be glad to help, sir.
I mean, give us a clue.
Is it animal, vegetable, mineral? Put them all in the cooler! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
We'll see if they feel like making jokes there.
Wait! They don't go into the cooler? No.
The Swiss Prison Commission is coming tomorrow.
Now, after they go, we'll take care of it.
Now get this place cleaned up.
There may be an inspection later.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Clean up this place! NEWKIRK: Aye, Schultz.
Hey, what'd you do with the film, Colonel? Must have had a great hiding place-- they searched everywhere.
I put it in the bone the dog ran off with.
I told you he was a smart dog.
Colonel, do you think that Swiss Commission I do-- Rumpelstiltskin is one of them.
It all fits perfectly.
Hey, speaking of the dog, where is he? ( dog barking, scratching door ) There he is.
LeBEAU: There's my little baby.
Where's the bone? I'll send him to find it.
Okay show us where you hid the bone.
Go on, baby, we'll give the bone back.
Come on, show us.
Maybe if we gave him another bone, he'd take it to the same place.
Good idea.
Here you are, baby, take it.
That's a good boy.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Right here.
Huh? Huh? ( barks ) Hey, hey, hey.
Huh? Not this one.
The one you took from me before.
The one I gave you back in the barracks.
You can trust us.
Please show us where it is.
( barking ) Ah, welcome to Stalag 13.
This is indeed a great pleasure, a privilege This is Colonel Klink.
Herr Kommandant, Herr Kraft.
Herr Kraft.
Monsieur Bonner.
Monsieur Bonner.
Of the Swiss Prison Commission.
And Hanna Vogel, deputy leader of the Nazi Youth Group.
She's escorting them to the different prison camps.
If I had known that you were coming here, I would have prepared this camp.
Of course, you see it as it really is.
Klink, they know I called you yesterday to say they were coming.
Oh.
It, uh, must have slipped my mind.
I think it is criminal to keep the prisoners in luxury while our men are fighting at the front.
I quite agree.
Uh, but, uh, the laws of humanity must always be observed, of course.
The prisoners, they get enough to eat? Oh, indeed they do.
As a matter of fact, they eat the same food I do, and, uh, you can see I am in tip-top condition.
I eat the same food, too.
Naturally, he eats more.
Do you have any men in solitary confinement? Of course not.
To tell you the truth, I don't even know where those cells are.
That's how much we use them.
Gentlemen, I know you are short of time.
Suppose we start the inspection.
Follow me.
HOGAN: Well, looks like we've had it-- he's going to sleep for a week.
And he calls himself "Man's Best Friend.
" They finished the inspection.
They're heading back to Klink's quarters.
Well, that does it.
Better get over and tell Rumpelstiltskin-- whoever he is-- we don't have the film.
Break it to him gently, Colonel.
Merci.
Everything seems to be in order.
Yes, from what I've seen, I have no complaints.
Gentlemen I try to make my prison as homelike as possible.
I often ask myself, "What would I want if I were a prisoner?" And then I answer myself.
I say, "Klink"-- that's my name, "Klink.
" I say That's enough, Klink.
But I am not satisfied.
Believe me the Führer is going to hear how soft they have it here.
How they even have showers.
Cold showers.
Ooh-- there is one thing we didn't do.
We are supposed to interview a prisoner.
Certainly.
Schultz, go to Barracks G and ( knocking ) Hogan? Very sorry, sir, I didn't realize you're entertaining.
Out, dismissed.
No, no, wait, Colonel Klink.
We will talk to this prisoner.
Colonel Hogan? Oh, sir, I have a much better man for you.
Very intelligent, let me get him.
Schultz, please.
BONNER: No.
This man will do.
He is supposed to be picked at random.
Of course, but you see, this man in Barracks G, oh, you just won't find anyone more random, sir.
Schultz, please.
Colonel Hogan? These men are from the Swiss Prison Commission.
They would like to talk to you.
I'll be happy to tell them whatever they want to know.
I'm sure Colonel Hogan has a million things to do.
Let me find someone who is not so busy.
Schultz, please.
I haven't anything to do.
I'm entirely at your disposal.
Good.
Good.
Now, tell me, do you have any complaints? Well Excuse me, I have a cold.
Rumpelstiltskin! Standing around without any clothes on and I seem to have caught a cold.
What were you doing without clothes? He's a sun worshipper.
He just can't get enough sun.
In this weather? That's what I said to him: "In this weather?" Rumpelstiltskin! Now, I ask you, do you have anything to complain of? HOGAN: Well, uh Actually, I have nothing to complain of.
You see, gentlemen, Colonel Hogan is truly a representative of our camp as a whole.
Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Dismissed.
If you gentlemen are through, will you please sign the inspection report? Oh, certainly.
( barking ) Now you show up.
Colonel Hogan? You are supposed to be standing at attention.
Why? Because I'm talking to one of the "master race"? I could have you shot for talking to me like that.
I'll bet you would, too.
Tell me, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? I came here to meet a friend.
Is that right? Rumpelstiltskin.
You're Rumpelstiltskin? Better give me the film before they come out.
I haven't got it.
Where is it? Ask this silly dog.
They were searching us and he Shh.
Here they come.
Ah, General Burkhalter, this has been a most enjoyable visit.
I wish we had more time to just sit around and Good-bye, Klink.
BURKHALTER: You see? That is why we have a rule against dogs.
Naughty, naughty.
KLINK: I will get rid of that dog right away, sir.
Schultz? SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
KLINK: Get that dog out of here.
I have a better idea.
Fräulein, do you like dogs? Why, ja, I do.
Please accept this one as a gift from the boys here at Stalag 13.
Uh, here, you may as well take along his favorite bone, too.
I'll just put it in your doggy bag.
Why, uh, thank you very much.
Sergeant Schultz? Tell the others we are ready to leave.
After you've had him awhile, you'll develop a real affection for him.
What is his name? "Rumpelstiltskin.
" Hogan, I appreciate that what you told them helped me get the highest rating we've ever had in this camp.
But.
But there is still the matter of the missing film from the camera, and I'm going to report that to General Burkhalter.
When Burkhalter finds out you think there was a film and you haven't got it, you're really going to be in big trouble-- whether there is any film or not.
So far, it's only in your mind.
Do you want to put it in his? If only I could be sure.
Could have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you'd just asked me two questions which I would have answered truthfully.
What questions? Well, if before you started the search, you had come to me and said, "Colonel Hogan, do you have the film?" I would have said, "No, I do not.
" And then if you had said, "Do you know where the film is?" I would have said, "No, I do not.
" And I give you my word it would have been the truth.
I believe you.
But there's another question: "Was there any film?" Sorry-- only answer two questions at a time.