Hot In Cleveland s04e06 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Aww.
See, just like the calendar.
Ok, John, put your shirt back on.
Aww.
Thanks for being such a good sport.
Yeah, and for teaching us that other thing.
Baby CPR.
Yes, that.
Now, if any babies faint when they hear that I'm dating Sir Emmet Lawson, I'll know how to revive them.
You're dating Emmet Lawson, the movie star? How did you drag that out of me? Next, you'll be getting me to admit that he's accepting an award at the Venice Film Festival oops.
Scusi, I say too much.
Wow, that must be a rush, dating somebody so famous.
Well, I'm a pretty famous actress in my own right.
Oh.
Joy didn't mention you were an actress.
Well, then what do you guys talk about? You've seen him shirtless.
Why would they talk? I gotta get to the station.
I'll walk you out.
Oh, hey.
Uh are you a Star Trek fan? I've actually never seen a Star Trek movie.
Well, we're gonna change that tonight.
I'm going to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Unlikely.
You know, Sean just said something that is very wise.
Emmet is a lot more famous than I am.
That takes a genius? Emmet is world-famous.
And fame is an incredible aphrodisiac.
Should I be worried? Well, you know what they say.
A man is only as faithful as his options, and Emmet's got lots of options.
Me, for instance.
Ah, that must be Melanie.
So are you ready for our business trip? Code name: Secret midnight run.
Oh, for God's sake, Mamie Sue, it's not code if it's what we're doing.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not as gangsta as you.
So how did it go? Oh, Alec hasn't come in yet.
And I'm a wreck.
I have no idea if he heard me say I was in love with him.
Oh, come on.
You're an actress.
How do I play this? Uh, strike a sexy, nonchalant pose, think '60s French cinema.
Pink panther? No.
Truffaut, Godard, Vadim.
I'll just unbutton my blouse.
Welcome back, Alec.
Hello, Melanie.
Hi, Alec.
Probably looks like I was sniffing my armpit.
That's not what I was doing.
I was, um I was biting off a a loose thread.
Look.
I need to make this quick.
Before I left, I overheard what you said about me.
You did? Oh.
Hello, Melanie.
Hi, Chloe.
Look who's back.
Alec.
I know.
I was with him.
It was very romantic, actually.
I'm gonna go get some coffee, and then we can get to work.
Okay, babe? Okay.
So you two are back together.
I'm super excited for you.
Could you use a drink? I could use a drink.
Listen, Melanie.
I'm crazy about you too.
You are? Practically from the first time I ever saw you.
Oh, God, Alec.
Oh, wait.
What was that with Chloe? Chloe flew down to Cozumel to tell me that our pet cat had died.
Even after the divorce, we we shared a love for our our little Puss Puss.
- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you.
She would've liked you.
Well, Chloe was a mess, and I was trying to console her, and then well, she misinterpreted it.
Mm.
Is it possible that you got even prettier while I was gone? Maybe.
Wait.
So what are we gonna do? I mean, how are we gonna tell Chloe? I don't know.
It's complicated.
She's gonna want you fired.
She's gonna make my life a living hell.
It'll probably ruin the business.
And she's told me three times she has a wood chipper.
You know, we will take this in baby steps.
First, I'll get her a new cat.
And then when she's in a better emotional place, I'll just tell her, "we are not together.
" And maybe in the meantime, we can secretly fool around a little? I like the way you think.
So let's talk about Cleveland Fantasy Con.
The client wants us to wear costumes.
I was thinking you should go as captain invincible, and I'll be your girlfriend, Seductra.
And Melanie, you can go as Scat, our pet gargoyle.
They're lucky to have a pet.
I miss Puss Puss.
Me too.
Hold me.
- Scat.
- Yes? - No, I mean - Uh, yeah.
Aww, now look what's trending on Google.
Emmet Lawson in Venice with his arms around a newly divorced Kate Winslet.
Oh, she looks good.
I mean, oh, she looks bad, right? But once they committed to that Klingon design, they opened themselves up to a lot of retroactive continuity issues.
I mean, which is common in sequels, obviously.
Hi, guys.
Have fun? It was awesome.
I can't believe this poor woman never saw a Star Trek movie.
And now I've seen five.
Oh, hey.
Cleveland Fantasy Con.
Yeah, my company's doing all the PR.
Joy.
You have got to go with me.
There's, like, a hundred Sci-Fi booths.
I mean, you're gonna be yawning with excitement.
I explained to him what you already know, that I yawn when I'm excited.
Well, why don't you guys come over to Alec's office tomorrow, and we can all go over together? I'm yawning already! Start picking out your costume.
- Costume? - You can't get in without one.
I'll call you later.
Oh, hey, ladies.
"Live long and prosper.
" Here's the deal.
I have fantasized about being with a hot hero fireman for so long, so what if he has a bumper sticker that reads, "my other car is the Enterprise.
" Oh, no.
Another picture of Emmet.
Would you stop looking at that? It's just driving you crazy.
Oh, now he's got his arms around this gorgeous, young thing.
That's Zoe Saldana.
Neytiri in Avatar and Uhura in the Star Trek reboot.
I liked me better before I knew these things.
It's just a photo.
You have no proof that anything's going on.
Oh, I wish I could just hop on the next plane to Venice, spy on him, and find out if I can trust him.
Or you could just decide to trust him.
Save your breath, Melanie.
She's got her crazy eyes.
She can't even hear you.
You know, in the 15th season of Edge of Tomorrow, I was wheeled into my cheating boyfriend's hotel room, hidden in a room service cart.
Oh, it worked beautifully.
Victoria, doesn't that sound a little nutty, even to you? Maybe.
But still, I have seven hours on the plane to come up with a better one.
Although, adjusting for two Ambien and a vodka, it's more like ten minutes.
But hey, I slapped this one together fast enough.
It's all gonna be fine.
Oh, Sugar, it's the cops! What did you do? Nothing, I'm driving a safe 20 miles per hour below the speed limit.
I'm scared.
Just play it cool.
Follow my lead.
Good evening, Officer.
Good evening, ladies.
The stuff is in the trunk.
She's delirious with joy for the mileage this Prius is getting.
I'm gonna have to take a look, ma'am.
Way to play it cool.
I don't do well under pressure, and now they're gonna send us to jail, where I also don't think I'll do well.
It's not so bad.
I've been in prison.
It changed you, Elka.
It changed you.
Pipe down.
I think I recognize this guy's name.
Ladies, I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.
Step out of the car, please.
- Um, Officer Davenport, is it? - Yeah.
Do you have a grandmother named Claire? I do.
Give her a call.
Tell her you pulled over Elka.
Aww, I love her, Alec.
Just today at the rifle range I was thinking, how are we gonna move on with our lives? But now, you've made us a family again.
You kissed her? - She kissed me.
- But there was kissing.
I haven't even kissed you yet.
I can take care of that right now.
No! Not while I'm a gargoyle.
First kisses are very important.
I've even fantasized about our first kiss.
Really? So tell me about this fantasy kiss.
Oh, it's so silly, it doesn't even make any sense.
It's you and me on a rooftop garden in Paris with twinkly lights and French music and the eiffel tower in the distance, the scent of fresh lavender in the air.
So not dressed in a sweaty costume with a concrete face.
Well, I'd still jackhammer that concrete.
Boy, that came out wrong.
I meant I'd still kiss you.
Tenderly.
The Dothrakis are fighting with the teamsters over who should load the throne of the Seven Kingdoms into the minivan.
Sounds like a job for Captain Invincible.
Back in a flash.
And take your time.
Maybe I can find an old cathedral to cool off in.
Ah.
Hey, where'd you come from? No, no, no.
Please don't go out there! Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Close that window! My cat's in here.
No, she's on the ledge.
I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
- What? - I d Well, go out there and get her.
That's a 20-story drop.
These are not real wings.
Oh, okay! I'm going.
- Room service.
- Avanti.
Emmet, what's with room service? I thought we were going out.
The whole town's full of hot women.
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to fly solo from here on, Jason.
Thing is, I'm with someone now.
Victoria Chase.
Who's that? A wonderful actress I met in Cleveland.
Never been with anyone like her.
We're equals, you know? I respect her, I trust her.
And well, damn it, I think I might love her.
In fact, I'm quite desperate to hear her voice right now.
I'm going to call her.
Come on, kitty.
Kitty.
No, no, no.
Okay.
Kitty, kitty.
Yeah, go inside.
Go inside.
- You're scaring her! - What what are you doing out here? You weren't getting it done.
Oh, look.
She's safe.
- Well, we can go back in.
- No, we can't.
Why? I was so worried about my cat, I forgot I am deathly afraid of heights.
It's okay, 'cause look, the window's not that far away.
Aah! If I move, I'll jump! That's part of the phobia, that I'll jump.
I really will.
I'll jump.
And it's all your fault.
Chloe! No, no, don't jump! Melanie, why did you tell her about us? "Us"? You two are together? We're on the ledge because Chloe's new cat got out.
Nice work back there, Elka, playing the grandma card.
I don't want to be someone's bitch in prison.
By the way, thanks for loaning me Oz.
Some pretty gritty stuff.
Of course, I lived it.
I don't know how you survived being locked up.
The secret is, the first day you're in, you steal a dining hall tray and take out the biggest con in the yard.
Is that what you did? Yup.
Joy still doesn't know it was me.
Hi.
You look amazing.
Help! Pervert! Joy, stop, stop! - It's me.
- Sean? You said you were going as a prince.
I am.
Prince Silversaddle, the strongest pony in all of Equestria.
Equestria? Is that a Star Trek thing? You're adorable.
Equestria is the magical land of My Little Pony: Friendship is magic.
Are you talking about the cartoon for little girls? It's for people of all ages.
Don't look so concerned.
I'm just one of a whole community of guys who are devoted to My Little Pony.
We're called Bronies.
And we get together, we dress up, we Brony out.
You're gonna love it.
I don't know about that.
Ah, it's just 'cause it's new to you.
Look, it's all positive.
We celebrate My Little Pony's beautiful ethos of friendship, caring, learning to value people different than ourselves.
You're against all that? Some of it.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't push you off this ledge right now.
Um, people are watching down there.
This costume is a rental? You'll have terrible roots in prison.
Oh, stop sniveling.
So Mexico? That was nothing? That was grief.
I didn't mean to lead you on, Chloe, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
- Shut up, you're fired.
This is not her fault.
You know in your heart that we broke up a long time ago.
I know, and it was all my fault.
I never should've cheated on you.
Chloe.
No couple breaks up over just one thing.
Maybe we could just agree to forgive each other and move on.
Can we move on quickly? Shoo.
I'm not a real gargoyle.
I mean, how is this different than a guy wearing a dog mask to a Browns game? It's all just fantasy.
Look, come to Paris with me.
Keep talking.
There's an international Brony convention there next month.
Stop talking.
Would it change anything if I told you that I was Corporal of the Friendship Brigade? Yes, but not in the direction you want it to change.
So this is a deal breaker for you? It's killing me, but yes.
I'm afraid so.
Please, just take my hand.
What's going on? Melanie and Chloe are out on the ledge.
- What? - I called 911.
I'm a firefighter.
Let me handle this.
Oh, my God, be careful! Oh, Joy, you look so pretty.
Ladies, I'm here to help you.
- Just stay calm.
- But I'm scared.
I give you my word that I will rescue you both.
Wow.
Melanie.
Yeah, in a sec.
Oh, oh, Alec.
I'll help you in.
Just look into my eyes.
Do you trust me? Yes.
You're very good-looking.
And you're beautiful.
Are you single? Yes, I am.
Me too.
You're my hero.
Look at him.
Maybe I made a mistake.
He's a Brony, you know.
What's that? I dress up in a horse's costume and go to conventions celebrating My Little Pony.
Okay.
Oh, Victoria, I'm so happy for you.
- He actually said he loves you? - Yes.
You know, I toyed with the idea of popping out and surprising him, but a relationship has to be built on trust.
Spying has taught me that.
Oh, it's 8:00.
To our posts.
You are so beautiful.
I've been thinking of kissing you all night.
Yeah? Why haven't you? Well, I want it to be perfect.
So let me see if I remember.
Garden, twinkle lights and French music.
And what was that view in the distance? The Eiffel Tower? And the scent of fresh lavender in the air.
Oh.
Mm.
You are amazing.
So is this your fantasy? It's better than a fantasy.
It's real.