I Love Lucy (1951) s04e06 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Oh, boy, this kid's half-asleep already.
How you doing, Fred? I'm pretty near through.
Hi, there, young fella.
You know what, I think I got something here for you.
Hi.
Hi.
How do you like that? Garcie.
Oh, he said gracias.
No way.
(laughing) He gets more like his father every day.
(Fred laughs) That was very nice, sweetheart.
He's a little Cuban dandy all right.
"Gracias.
" (whistling tune) Fred, I appreciate your concern over our safety, but you haven't worried about it for Why are you worrying now? Well, that was Ethel's idea.
Oh.
She saw in the paper where some crook posed as a door-to- door salesman so he could get into apartments and then rob the place.
I read that.
I didn't think much about it.
Well, you know how she is.
One little thing happens, and she thinks the sky is falling.
(chuckles) Most door-to-door salesmen I've met are very honest.
Mm-hmm, well, I know it and you know it, but try and tell it to Chicken Little.
(laughing) Oh, dear, what a gal, what a gal.
(grunting) There we are, yeah.
There, now you got a brand-new, burglar-proof chain.
Thank you, Fred.
You just broke through Fred's burglar-proof chain.
Fred, can't you ever do anything right? "Fred, can't you ever do anything right?" You're not supposed to come charging in there like a bull out of a chute.
If you'd have fixed it right, it wouldn't have pulled out.
With your weight, you could come through that wall without a door.
Oh, keep quiet or I'll sit on you.
I'll go down to the basement and see if I can find some bolts strong enough to hold that against the charge of the heavy brigade.
Okay, Fred.
Do that, and fix every door in every apartment in this building.
(falsetto): "Do that and fix every door in every apartment in this building.
" I'm gonna do that.
How come you're such a scaredy-cat all of a sudden? Oh, listen, people are going around, posing as all sorts of things just to get into apartments.
They posing as reporters and salesmen and who knows what.
Didn't you read this article in the paper this morning? Yeah, I read it, but I didn't think much about it.
Well, I'm never gonna let anybody in my door again.
What happens if I want to come over? What's the password? Never mind.
You still want me to baby-sit while you go to the dentist? The dentist! I forgot all about the dentist! Oh, for heaven's sake, it took me three weeks to get the appointment.
Oh, gosh, how do you like that? I'll be back in an hour.
Okay.
I have read all of his magazines.
There, that ought to do it.
Oh, Fred, those big bolts look awful.
Can't you make it look a little neater? What are you talking about? A couple of dabs of paint and you'll never notice it.
Anyway, this protects you against anything.
Why be half-safe? Oh Fred, it's stuck.
Fred Fred! Fred!!! What are you trying to do, be funny or something? Lock that thing and then call me back? I called you back to tell you that the lock got stuck.
It's impossible for that lock to get stuck.
Well, it did get stuck.
I couldn't open it.
Come on, I'll show you.
The lock can't get stuck.
Oh, humbug.
I'll go down and get some new tools.
Yeah, and fix it right this time.
This is a lot of protection.
(sighing) (doorbell buzzing) (doorbell buzzing) Yes? Good afternoon.
Is Mr.
Ricardo home? Why? Well, I have an appointment with him.
Oh, you have? Well, yes.
Are you Mrs.
Ricardo? Uh, who wants to know? My name is Benjamin, Ben Benjamin, and I have an appointment with Mr.
Ricardo.
Uh, well, uh, he's not at home right now.
But (door slamming) Madam Would you mind if I come in and wait? Yes, I would mind.
Who are you, anyway? What do you want? Well, I happen to be a talent scout for motion pictures.
A talent scout, ha! That's a good one.
Well, now, look, lady, I am a talent scout.
That's a new one.
Nobody's I'm telling you, I have an appointment (screaming): Fred!!! Stop your screaming, will you?! Cut it out! Don't scream! (Ethel screaming) Oh, thank goodness, Lucy, you got here just in time.
He really tried to break in, huh? Oh, I'll say he did.
He said he was a talent scout from Hollywood.
And you wouldn't believe that article in the paper this morning.
Well, I believe it now that I see what he did to that door.
Oh.
Well I'm going to call the police.
(phone ringing) Yes, call the police.
Oh.
Hello? Oh, Ricky, I'm glad you called.
Listen, something just What? Well, well, honey, my-my news is important, too.
Now, listen, just well, I Oh, all right, go ahead.
A talent scout is coming here to see you this afternoon, and he's going to talk to you about a picture in Hollywood? His name is Benjamin? Um uh well, honey, don't worry.
I'll, I'll take care of him till you get here.
Yeah, good-bye What? My news? Uh, spilled the milk all over.
The baby, the baby! Oh Ethel, what's the matter with you? I'm sorry, Lucy.
No time to be sorry.
Ricky called from the drugstore down there.
He'll be here any minute.
What do we do with poor Mr.
Benjamin? Oh, set him up on there.
Oh, yeah, put him up on there.
(straining) He said he was a talent scout.
I didn't believe he was a talent scout.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
(both muttering at once) Oh! Shall we lie him down, Lucy? No! Sit him up.
Sit him up? Why? I don't want him to know that I'm the one that hit him.
It'll be the end of Ricky's career in pictures, to say nothing of mine.
Yours?! Now, listen, when he wakes up, we'll just be sitting here naturally, talking to him, you know, and-and we'll pretend we don't know what he's talking about when he says somebody hit him on the head.
That's a great idea.
Okay, all right.
Help me clean this up.
Oh, cleaning, oh, Lucy.
My gosh, look at this.
(gasping) Couldn't you have got something else to hit him with? Ricky'll think the baby did it.
Oh, dear.
Here, straighten out his hat.
Okay, straighten out his hat.
I'll hang up his coat.
Oh, good, right there on the stool.
Mr.
Benjamin? Where'd he go? Mr.
Benjamin? Oh, he fell off again.
Oh! (muttering): Oh Wait a minute, now, wait.
(grunting) (grunting) Oh, for heaven's sake.
Oh, let's see, now.
Uh, let's see Let's make him look kind of natural.
Let's see there, yeah.
Let's see if he smokes.
Yeah.
His hair's mussed up.
Comb his hair.
Comb his hair.
Hey, Lucy, look.
Was it parted in the middle? It was parted on this side.
Hurry up.
The hair looks better than when he came in, huh? Okay, sit down.
Sit down! Sit back and relax.
Oh, okay.
(gasps) Oh, my dear, do you mean to tell me that Elizabeth Taylor looks just as pretty off the screen as she does on? Huh? You were saying, Mr.
Benjamin, that Elizabeth Taylor looks just as pretty off the screen as she is on, is that right? Uh yes.
Yes.
Oh, well, I'm so glad to hear that.
I like to hear nice things about Hollywood.
Who are you? Who am I? (guffawing) (guffawing) Oh, surely you must be joking, Mr.
Benjamin or my name isn't Lucy Ricardo.
Oh, so then you're Mrs.
Ricardo.
Oh, you silly boy, of course.
I don't understand this.
When I came in (groaning) What's the matter? I have an awful headache.
Oh, too bad.
Look, when I first came in here, didn't you scream and Scream? Why, why should I scream? Uh, you know, dear, you did call me.
You said, "Lucy!" And then I came out and hung up Mr.
Benjamin's coat and hat and, uh, since then we've just been sitting here having a delightful chat with you, Mr.
Benjamin.
Hi, honey.
You really Oh, hi, dear.
Mr.
Benjamin came in right after you called.
Oh, he-hello, Mr.
Benjamin, how are you? All right.
ETHEL: Well, good-bye, Mr.
Benjamin.
It's just been delightful talking to you.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Eh, Mr.
Benjamin, my-my agent says that you want to see me about a screen test.
A screen? Oh, oh, yes, yes.
Our-our studio is making a picture about the life of Don Juan.
Don Juan! Oh, Ricky, that'd be just perfect for you.
Spanish and everything.
Lucy Yes, dear.
Mr.
Benjamin, that-that sounds very, very exciting.
Is it going to be cinemascopee and stereonophic? I beg your pardon? Is it going to be cinemascopee and stereonophic? Uh uh Mr.
Benjamin, I think he means "cinemascope" and "stereophonic.
" That's what I said.
That's what he said.
Oh.
Probably, I Oh, that's good.
You know, I'm sorry, but I don't feel very well.
I have an awful headache.
Oh, that's too bad.
Look, I, uh, I have a script here with me.
There's a scene in it here somewhere that's marked.
You can find it.
If you'll just read that over and I'll be back in a couple of days.
You can read it for me, and then if it sounds all right, we'll give you a screen test.
Well, that would be wonderful, Mr.
Benjamin.
I'm awfully happy to have met you, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Thank you.
I'll get your coat, sir.
I'll be seeing you, then, in a couple days.
Yes, sir.
Okay, Ricky.
Here you are, sir.
Thank you.
Bye.
He's nice fellow.
Too bad he's got a headache.
Well, those things come on you, you know.
Sometimes you just don't know what hit you.
Yeah.
That's too bad.
"Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
"Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.
" "Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
"Would that I had the power to tell you what is in my heart tonight.
" Would that you had the power to read that speech right.
What's wrong with it? The same thing I've been telling you all day.
You're just too stiff, Ricky.
You have to loosen up.
Relax! Not that much.
Don Juan was a man, not an ape.
Now, look, you're getting me all mixed up.
I am not.
It's just that you can't just stand there and just say the words.
In pictures, you have to be a personality.
You have to develop a distinctive way of talking like Humphrey Bogart.
Oh! Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.
(as Bogart): "Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
" (Lucy groans) "Drop the gun.
" Oh, now, stop.
Now you know what I mean.
Look, will you leave me alone? I've been in show business a long time.
Doesn't make you an actor just because you've been shouting "babalu" and beating on a cowhide.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Who do you think you are, Sarah Bernhardt? I don't have to be Sarah Bernhardt to tell you a few things! Hey, what's going on? What's the matter? Oh, I'm trying to make an actor out of him, but he just refuses.
She keeps telling me to do things that I know are wrong.
They are not! Well, what do you want him to do? Well, for one thing, I'd like him to develop a distinctive way of speaking.
Ricky?! Ricky?! You know what I mean.
I'll show you what she wants me to do.
Go ahead, sit down, I'll show you.
Sit down, honey.
Huh! Here's what she wants me to do: "Would that I could ask you to fly with me "for I know that you are devoted to your husband, Count Lorenzo.
" "It is you I love, my lover.
"You are so young and strong, but he is old and feeble and he needs me.
" "But for him, I will sweep you into my arms "and carry you over yon garden wall.
Oh, my heart my poor, poor heart.
" "What of your heart?" "It sinks.
" FRED: That's not the only thing.
Now, you shut up.
I told you it was lousy.
Oh, I don't think you should've taken her on your arms like that.
Ricky, I've been in show business a long, long time.
If you'd take a little advice from people who've had a lot of experience All right, all right! You're not doing what I told you.
All right, already! Will you please do me a favor and leave me alone? Oh, now, Ricky.
I want to do it my way.
Oh, fine.
(mimicking): "Would that I had the power to take you and fly over yon garden wall.
" Right? That would be great.
I was just trying things out.
That's not the way I'm going to do it.
Yeah.
Now, out, everybody.
Oh, Ricky Maybe if you can take a little advice Please go play cards or something.
I got a lot of work to do now.
Will you please go and play cards? (still protesting) Thank you very much.
Can't do it like "Babalu.
" Thank you very much for your interest.
Phew! Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.
"Yes, it is I, oh, lovely one.
"Would that I had the power to tell you "what is in my heart tonight.
"Would that I could ask you to fly with me "but I know that you are devoted to your husband, Count Lorenzo.
"But for him, I would sweep you into my arms "and lift you over yon garden wall.
"Oh, my heart, my poor, poor heart.
To think it can never be one with yours.
" No, no, I'm sorry, Mrs.
Sawyer.
Yes, dear, it's true.
A talent scout is coming over tonight, but it's only to listen to Ricky.
No, I'm sure he wouldn't be interested in your French poodle.
You see, this is a Spanish picture.
(laughing) Yes, that's right.
Okay, good-bye.
Hi.
Honestly, this has been going on all morning.
What has? People calling up and wanting to audition tonight.
No kidding.
How did they find out? I don't know.
I didn't tell anybody-- did you? Certainly not.
I didn't tell a soul and they all promised to keep it a secret.
You know, I never knew this neighborhood was so full of frustrated performers.
At last I found out where vaudeville went to die.
(doorbell buzzing) Oh, no! Now, who is this? Oh, Mrs.
Trumbull.
Hello, Mrs.
Ricardo.
I'm returning that cup of sugar that I borrowed from you.
Oh, fine.
Well, come in and sit down.
(raspy-voiced): Ah, sweet mystery of life At last I've found you Ah, at last I know the meaning of hope Oh, the yearning, seeking, striving Mrs.
Trumbull, dear (stops singing) Did you by any chance hear that a talent scout was coming here tonight? Yes, I did hear a little rumor.
Yes.
Well, you have a very lovely voice, dear, but this gentleman is coming here tonight just to hear Ricky read for the lead in Don Juan.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
That's right.
Mrs.
Ricardo, I'll just take back that sugar.
Oh.
Oh, I thought you were returning it.
Oh, I didn't really owe it to you.
That was just a ruse.
Oh, oh.
Ah, sweet mystery of life At last I've found you Isn't she a doll? (doorbell buzzing) She sure is.
Oh, the back door.
Next they'll be coming through the windows.
Oh, hi, Pete.
Hi, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Hi, Mrs.
Mertz.
Oh, uh, say, Mrs.
Ricardo Before you say another word, Pete, it's a Spanish picture and there is no room in it for whatever you do.
What are you talking about? I was just going to tell you we're all out of melon.
Oh, I'm sorry, Pete.
It's just that everybody in the neighborhood has been calling up and wanting to audition for a talent scout that's coming here tonight.
Oh, I hadn't heard a word about it.
Well, good.
But now that you mention it, I do play the trumpet.
Just forget it.
But Mr.
Ricardo, when I play the trumpet, I'm real gone.
Then go, man, go.
Honestly.
Isn't it awful? After all, Ethel, if there are any extra parts in that picture, you and I could certainly Ethel, what's wrong with us?! I don't know.
Cast of characters-- I never even thought to look at it.
No.
"Don Juan, the count, the countess"-- they'll be the stars.
Now, look, here, here we are.
"Isabella, a beautiful peasant girl, a Marilyn Monroe type.
" That's perfect! Of course.
Is there a part for you? I was referring to me.
You? I'm the blond in this group.
Well, I could be a blond as easy as you can.
Oh, now, listen, the minute you said it was a Marilyn Monroe She has a way of carrying herself and a way of smiling.
Hey, what's the beef? Wait, here's Fred.
We'll let him settle it.
Fred, I think I look more like Marilyn Monroe than Lucy does.
And I think I look more like Marilyn Monroe than Ethel does.
What do you think? I think I look more like her than either one of you.
Oh, Fred, you're a big help.
What's all this about, anyway? Well, we were just looking at this script and there may be parts for all of us in it.
And one of them is a Marilyn Monroe type.
Now, so I said I'd Oh, for Pete's sake, can't you two let Ricky do one little thing without horning in? Can't you live your life without putting your nose in Part for all of us? Now, look, Fred, Fred, you were right.
You were right.
This is Ricky's big chance and I think we should keep completely out of it.
Huh? Don't you, Ethel? Uh oh, yeah.
Yes.
Yes, we'll let Ricky do this all by himself.
Yes, this is Ricky's big day.
Let's let him have it, huh, okay? Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Okay.
Lucy? Lucy? LUCY: I'll be right there.
Hey, what time is that talent scout supposed to arrive? Lucy said he'd get here around 7:30.
Sit down.
Hey, who are you supposed to be? Guess.
FRED: Humphrey Bogart in a wig.
What are you two all dressed up for? We're a Spanish dance team.
(humming song from Carmen) All right, okay, hold it.
I thought we all agreed that you weren't going to do anything to ruin Ricky's chance.
Well, you're ruining it.
That's different, I'm his wife, I have a right to ruin it.
Well, that's a pretty selfish attitude to take.
Where is Ricky? He's down picking up Mr.
Benjamin.
Now, listen, you two, get out of here.
(doorbell buzzing) There he is.
Sit down and be quiet.
(singing "L'amour") (playing Spanish melody) Pete, Pete! What do you think you're doing? Who are you supposed to be? Gorgeous George.
Now, look, Pete, there's no point in your (doorbell buzzing) There he is.
Sit down and be quiet, will you? (Ethel singing song from Carmen) (Pete playing Spanish melody) Ay-ay-ay-ay Ay-ay-ay-ay Canta y no llores Porque cantando se alegran Mrs.
Trumbull Cielito lindo Mrs.
Trumbull, the talent scout isn't here yet.
Oh, nuts.
Now, listen, everybody, there's no (phone ringing) La, la, la, la la, la, la, la Hold it, hold it.
Hold it, hold it! Hold it! It's the phone.
Hello.
Honey, guess what happened.
What happened? He's gonna give me a screen test.
Well, what do you mean? Mr.
Benjamin isn't even here yet.
I know, I read for him at his hotel.
At his hotel? Yeah.
He said he had a terrible headache.
Has he still got a headache? Isn't that wonderful news? Honey, I got the screen test! Yeah, honey, wonderful.
Anything new at home? No, dear, everything here is about as usual.
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.