Ideal (2005) s04e06 Episode Script

NICKI: It's not an affair, it's just sex.
MOZ.
:It's not an affair.
You know, the best thing about you and me having this affair This is Keith - me dad.
Walked out on the family years back, didn't you? - I've six to ten months to live.
- MOZ: Is she back on the game, then? Carmel is me and Carmel's biggest asset.
My gang won't just stand by and let this happen.
Soon, we'll take care of you.
MAN: I think you've already met our new boss.
Cartoon Head?! - What's this? - Happy birthday, Nicki.
What's going on? Many happy returns.
What is going on? Baby Sanjeev's done you a card, an' all.
Oh, this just gets worse! What the hell is going on!? What do you mean? I remembered your birthday is what's goin' on.
How? I didn't drop one single hint about my birthday this year.
This was gonna be my ultimate test of how much you don't care.
Somebody must've tipped you off.
I bet it was Brian.
Bitch! No.
I did this using only me own mind.
I even organised my own surprise party for this evening.
Jesus, Nicki! You gi' us less stick when I got drunk and asked your sister gi' us a hand job.
It wasn't the best anniversary present, true But this feels worse! Oh, my God! He's having an affair! Ah, it's PC Plums.
- All right, fella? - All right, Moz? I take it you're coming to the surprise party.
It's the social get-out-of-it-together of the season.
Course.
All right, Nicki.
Happy birthday.
You're not gonna tell him off for remembering, then? Oh, I didn't remember.
Brian reminded me.
Awthat was sweet of him.
I can't keep up wi' your opinions! It's like living wi' Julie Burchill! I thought you were gonna clean up the bathroom.
OK! Just remember, you've only got two magical birthday wishes left.
Happy birthday.
Wow! It's beautiful! - It's rubies and diamonds and that.
- Are you serious? Lost property.
No-one ever came forward to claim it.
I see.
When was it handed in? - Yesterday afternoon.
- Right.
But look, if you are coming tonight, no snogging in front of people.
- We play it cool, OK? - So, what do you want me to do? I dunno, bring a date.
As long as you're not mooning around me.
RADIO: K-23, your squad car reported being driven away by two toddlers.
OK, CH, I hear what you're saying, but I don't understand why we didn't kill the gang last night when we had the chance.
Is it because all you really want is to destroy Stemroach? There's cheese and pickle, and I did some seaweed ones.
Sorry.
The biscuits are Scotch ginger fingers, but they came out too buttery.
Sorry.
Aren't you worried about Psycho Paul? Psycho Paul is nothing! In fact, Chen had a little chat with him last night.
I made him open the red bag.
Oh! What red bag? When he saw what was inside, he cry like a baby.
Would anybody like some sake? Sake is Japanese, not Chinese! But yes, that would be very nice.
Thank you, Judith.
Right.
Sorry.
My God, it's full of stars! Psycho Paul! I didn't think I'd ever see you in one piece again.
I'm assuming you are all in one piece.
Psycho Paul will always be here.
It's just when you see a bloke get dragged off by the Lo Triad, you tend to think next time you see 'im, he'll be stacked up in a selection of Kilnerjars.
No-one stacks me in anything.
What did the Triad do to you? They just warned me off.
How? Did they stab you? No.
It's worse.
- They showed me summat.
- What? I can't say.
But how come Cartoon Head's running the Triad? He ain't even Chinese! How do we know? I've never seen his face.
Have you? Well, no I don't know anybody who has.
I wonder if the Triad know what nationality he is.
He hasn't got a Chinese accent.
He could be born and bred in Higher Broughton and still be called Lo Fat Wangeh? Do you know what his name is? Cartoon Head.
You think that's what it says on his passport, do you? I mean, it doesn't say Psycho Paul on your passport, does it? Yeah, it does.
On all three of 'em.
I've got an appointment with Fist.
See you, Morris.
Fist.
You are having happy birthday, Nicki? Cheers.
Mate of mine brewed this on his allotment.
It's like champagne, but it's made from dock leaves.
The perfect antidote to nettle wine.
- Cheers! - All the best! Cincin! Difficult to imagine a dock leaf drink could taste any better.
And therein lies the problem.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Shut up and get the door.
All right, but that means you only have one magical birthday wish left.
Hi, hi.
Moz - Clive, Clive - Moz.
Ain't he crusty? Actually, Brian, I don't think of myself as a crusty.
Nah, but I reckon everybody else does.
Come in, fella.
So, got owt special lined up for tonight? I don't care what happens, Brian.
Just as long as I don't get stuck lettin' folk in all night.
- All right, kiddo.
- Dad - Carmel.
- Hi, Moz.
How are you? Good.
- So you twoknow each other? - Not really.
This is our first date.
Is it? We're gettin' to know each other intimately.
Mm-hmm I need a drink.
- What are you doing? - I've got six months to live, kiddo.
My plan is blow every penny having a good time, starting with a good-time girl.
You'reemploying Carmel? I've booked her for the whole night - 800 quid all in.
The deluxe executive package.
Speaking of which, how's me wide-screen telly? I wanted to bring it, but she wouldn't lift the other end.
So, tell me again, is this a dragon or a skin? Or a flower? Or a bamboo? Is it bird eats cake? Sorry.
Shall we go over to the party for a bit? Is it OK if I go over to the party for a bit? - Sorry.
- She could sniff around for us.
See if any of Paul's idiots are there Report back.
Should I go now? Oh.
Sorry.
Jenny Felix.
You all right, Moz? Lovely to see you.
- What's party for? Owt special? - It's for Nicki's surprise birthday.
- Is that special enough? - Yeah, I suppose.
You got any booze? I've just run out.
In the kitchen.
There's alcohol to please every palate.
And devotees of dock-leaf champagne are in for a particularly pleasantsurprise.
Come on.
- Hiya, you all right? - Hi.
I'm all right.
What's up? You look like you just had a bit of sweetcorn.
Jenny's only brought pissin' Ron Weasley, ain't she? Aww There's no problem so bad that a visit to the toilet wi' two gay guys can't put right.
It's weird, butI'm jealous, Brian.
I'm proper jealous.
I ain't felt like this since our Troy got a space hopper for Christmas - and I had to make do wi' an Action Man.
- What you gobbin' on about? I'm sayin', I'm stuck wi' Nicki and her eagle eyes and her gripping hands, whilst Felix gets to bounce around on Jenny.
The important thing is to keep a clear head.
Ketamine? Perhaps not.
Ooh, spoily sport.
Obviously, I am tempted, what with seeing the benefits of long-term use.
Oooh, come in! The pixels are lovely and warm.
(SIGHING) Oh, greatWestlife.
- Hiya.
- All right, blood.
- Joined the gang after all, eh? - Yeah.
I'm on probation.
Listen, Colin I don't think you should go in there.
Hey, don't worry about me, Moz.
I'm in the gang now.
Carmel's here.
Great! She's here with a .
.
A client.
I tell you one thing about having the eye patch - the lassies love it.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm gonna take another look at that chair.
Still looking forward to getting me old eye back, mind.
Fist.
What kind of client? He's gone for the deluxe executive package.
All in.
Money in the bank! Who is the bastard? Who is he? He As it goes, he's, um - He's me dad.
- Your dad?! He's not me real dad! He's just some bloke who wasn't there for most of me childhood.
Nice to be away from Hogwarts for a spell? Is your bog free? No, you'll need two 20p pieces(!) - Eh? - Someone's in there.
Now it's free.
Have I done summat to annoy you? No, you've done nowt.
Cos if I had upset you, I'd like to think we could discuss it in a mature manner, man to man.
Yeah, that .
.
Sounds great.
I've got undercrackers older than you.
Hiya, Moz.
Wowser.
I've opened the door to some bizarre couples tonight, but you two Ow! - You takin' the piss, Morris? - No! I'm saying, you coulda been separated at birth.
Not that I'm suggesting it's incest or owt like that I'm saying you're a perfect match.
Thanks, Morris.
I appreciate it.
- I think Moz is having an affair.
- Mm-mm? - I haven't got any actual evidence.
- Mmm But he remembered my birthday.
- That's all the proof I need.
- Mmm.
Yeah.
(SLURRING) So, who's this we're talkin' about, then? I was just saying, my sixth sense tells me Moz is having an affair.
(GASPING) No! - After everything he said to me! - Mmm What? He promised me he weren't seeing anybody else.
Did he really? Oh, yeah.
The other night in bed.
Oh, well, maybe I'm wrong then.
I just got this feeling, you know? Well - I'd like to get to the bottom of this.
- Mm.
No, please, both of you, leave it.
Honestly, it's fine.
Oh, Brian Do you think Moz is seeing another woman? Hi, Nicki.
Happy birthday.
Again.
Thanks.
Hi, Rainbow, you OK? Yeah, great.
Happy birthday.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING) Sorry, I'd better get this.
There'sdrinks in the kitchen, dancing in the front room.
Ta, Nicki.
I understand that, and I do appreciate how you feel.
Now fuck off, loser! That's my ex.
- Ah, happy to see you, Judith.
- Hello.
Sorry.
Come in to the surprise party.
- Oh, it's a bit hot in here, isn't it? - Hot, yes.
- You look hot, Judith.
- Um, I'm feeling a bit Sorry Now you are totally unconscious, Judith.
We got called out, and that's how we met.
I see you got yourself a new bird, then? You know Rainbow, from when Moz had his heart attack.
She was at my NCT group.
We called her The Gorgon.
Not because we liked her.
I kept bumping into her at accidents.
She's got some right gory stories.
So one time, she chased this bloke's head all the way down a railway embankment and up the other side.
Enchanting.
Hey You told me to bring a date.
I was joking! You said we shouldn't get serious! Just fun, you said! Just sex.
Yeah, well Are you gonna have sex with her? Is that what you want? CosI'm starting to lose track now.
She used to be a wasp! Uh Sorry.
Tania Psycho Paul Shall we go back to mine? No.
Come back to mine, I've got new sheets.
Debenhams.
Less than half their original price.
- I know how you feel, Colin.
- Do you? Yeah.
I think me dad's a bastard, an' all.
Probably for the best if you just went home, eh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Just have one more dance first.
- Mind if I cut in? - Yes, bog off.
Come on, love.
How about a dance? You know I don't like you bothering me when I'm at work.
I'm just asking for one dance! The lady said no.
You're obviously not her type.
Forget about him, flower.
You're with me.
What about me deluxe package? That's not what I'm seeing.
What about me money? You can't take it with ya! So if it came to a choice between me and her? You.
Obviously.
- Really? - Don't be like that.
Go on, then.
If you're so into me, dump her.
Here and now.
OK OK.
Rainbow? - Yeah? - You You're dumped.
What? You're dumped.
But this is our first date.
You're dumped.
You're just like every other bastard! Judith? Are you OK? What's up? I'm pregnant.
Sorry So, who've you been havin' an affair with? What?! Nicki's 16th sense told her that you're having an affair.
So who is it? Nicki said that? Don't avoid the question - who you been seeing? You! I've been seeing you! That's what Nicki must've sensed! Oh Well, that's all right, then.
Look Jen, maybe Maybe it's a sign.
Maybe it's time to draw a veil over proceedings.
Is it fancy dress, then? I mean Maybe it's time we ended it.
Are you dumping us? No! No, I Yeah.
I thought it best it come from me.
Don't I turn you on any more? Look, Jenny I know in years to come, I'll look back at this as the happiest sex of my life.
Except maybe for that girl at Huddersfield bus depot.
It's just that I've started thinking about Baby Jenny and Baby Sanjeev.
You're a paedophile? No! I wish people would stop saying that! Well, I think I'm gonna go again.
Would someone get my smelling salts? Would you mind? It's only next door.
It's not locked We can still be friends.
No, I want us to have a love affair! There's no point us being friends, and I don't really like you in that way.
Maybe this is a sign.
Maybe it's time to end it.
What?! I've just got a face full of Bacardi for the sake of our relationship.
This isn't a relationship! It's just sex! Think about Felix.
I am thinkin' about Felix - he's a knob.
I don't want him, I want you! MOZ AND PC: I love you! I suppose you'd like that last magical birthday wish now? Fist! At least with MY affair, I was totally discreet.
This is like infidelity masterclass! Suicidal people are 100% more likely to kill themselves.
Did you see him? He were the lad we spot-welded inside that boiler! That is bigger than some flats I've lived in.
- We were outnumbered.
- How many were there? Only two.
But they had us surrounded!