Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s04e06 Episode Script
Fame
Hey! You're Amy Schumer! "Pussy, pussy, I'm so confident!" - I could get a picture? - Actually, would you mind? I just I don't wanna draw attention.
But it's really nice to meet you.
Meet you? I just want a photo.
Wow, you should really be nicer to your fans, Jeez.
Hi, can I have a small black coffee? - Name? - Amy.
Oh, you're Fat Amy from that singing movie.
- Pitch something? - No, that's not me.
Yes, it is I didn't see it, but my brother didn't like it.
Okay, thank you.
Amy? Amy Schumer? - Yeah.
- Can I have a selfie? - Oh.
- Can you do something funny? Like, can I pretend to grab your boob? - Ow! - Ow? Fat Amy? Fat Amy.
- Fat Amy.
- Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, uh, can you call my brother? It is his birthday this summer.
Sure.
- Gonna call him? - I can't from my phone.
I'm working.
You want me to call him from my phone? Yeah.
It is 213-555-5555 5.
Uh, it went right to voice mail.
Yeah, he's out of daytime minutes.
Or, ooh! Can you make him a video and text it to him? Mm-hmm, what's his name? - Cashew.
- Like the nut? No.
Okay.
Hey, Cashew.
Uh, it's Amy.
Here with your sister, she's working really hard.
She gave me your number, so, hi, happy birthday this summer okay.
That wasn't funny.
All right, well, I really have to run, thank you.
It wasn't good, can I take another one? Yeah, here, let me do it.
- You're not cute.
- What? I'm just kidding, see, I'm funny too! You should make me the show, everybody says I'm just like you, a piece of shit.
Okay, thanks.
I hate to be that girl, I'm so that girl right now, though, but, um, can, um - You want a picture? - No, can I have $100? I am such a big fan.
I, like, loved you since "Chelsea Lately.
" I'm not on that show.
Maybe consider being nicer to people who like you.
Do you have smaller bills? - No.
- Must be nice.
Hi, are you Amy Schumer? - I love your legs.
- Thank you.
- Can I eat one? - What? What, do you think you're better than everyone else now? - Is that it? - No.
- Let me eat your leg.
- It wasn't good.
- I lost it! - The money? Yeah, that's why I wanted smaller bills.
Amy Poehler let me chew on her hair.
- She's great.
- My brother is awake now.
Can you go to his house and have sex with him? Ow! Can I be annoying and ask you for one thing? Help.
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR I've been on the road with you for seven years.
- Yes.
- Have I changed? I would say the only change is, uh the quality of life has gone way up.
We used to go to IHOP and shit.
Well, I'd still like to go to IHOP and shit.
- Which is what happens.
- Good point.
Like, is there any difference you've seen in me? No, you were you were scary back then.
No, no, uh - No, no, but that's true, I was.
- Yeah.
We were doing, like, the shittiest clubs - Right.
- Staying in comedy condos.
And I was still, like, "I'm not doing that.
" - Yes, yes.
- I've always been - exactly how I am right now.
- Right.
From 40,000 feet above the earth aboard a luxury airship that never touches the ground for tax reasons, it's "Down To Earth," with your host, a regular normal person, just like you, Amy Schumer! Oh! We've got a great show for you tonight! But first, let's say "Hi" to the Down to E Band, Selena and the Schume-tones! She has a chef for her dog She bought a convent in Prague She owns three precogs This girl is just like you J-j-j-just like you Look, at you, Miss Rosetta Stone.
Look how good your English has gotten, I love! I was born in Texas.
So now it's time for our first segment, I'm Just Like Us! That's right, guys, I get coffee and bagel, just like me.
And that's my new miniature dinosaur, Pom Pom, wearing Narciso Rodriguez.
There are a lot of misconceptions about min-dins, but believe you me, they are the sweetest, most loving pet that you can pay to have genetically re-engineered.
Pom Pom is a rescue from extinction and Steven Spielby.
Okay, and then here's me with Perez Hilton.
So, look, I get a cup of joe, no fancy drink for me.
I just say, coffee.
But, uh, uh, you know what? I have hard days just like everyone else.
And here's what happened, so the barista she got mad when Pom Pom had to make shit.
So, I left, and let's just say I won't be going back.
Today's topic is using a hidden camera to spy on your maid who steals.
Let's go to the Relato-Cam and see what mine is stealing.
There she goes again! Stop stealing! Do I have a maid? Yes.
Do I know her name? No.
But I'm just like you.
I still wash my own legs.
I still do my own masturbating.
Thank you.
Seleña, am I saying that right? Masturbating or my name? Mmm, wow.
I didn't even know I was up for that award.
Here's a life hack for you.
After I make a call or take a vaggie, I like to shred my phone so it doesn't get hacked by Internet robots who are super jelly, like so.
Voilà ! Then have your personal assistant bring you a new phone.
Easy Peasy, beautiful.
Assistant! No, she does not need walk-on music.
Ooh, thank you, I love your blouse.
Alligators.
What is your name? - I'm your sister, Kim? - Ooh, "Sister Kim.
" A nun, high-end.
Now we're gonna meet our first guest.
Not a celebrity, he's just a regular, normal poor person like Seleña.
- My pilot, Jermone.
- Jero Jerome.
Jerome.
Careful, Jermone.
Here, have a seat.
You can take a knee right there.
- Fun, welcome to the show.
- No problem, I was already here.
Just, uh steering the zeppelin.
I can relate, interesting.
I'm just like you.
You're the boss lady, Miss Schumer.
Miss Schumer is my mother's pussy's name.
You can just call me America's Golden Eagle.
- Well, America's Golden Eagle.
- Ew.
- I just mainly fly the zeppelin.
- Mmm.
Refuel the zeppelin.
Do zeppelin repairs, stuff like that.
Actually, I should probably get back to the controls.
Nonsense, you're my guest, it's an honor.
For more information, check out my lifestyle website.
Engorge.
biz.
Oh, my God, what's going on? Nobody's flying the zeppelin, you idiot! You have to go down with the ship because you're in the band, and it's Titanic! Or we could just pull up the controls.
I mean, we're 40,000 feet up in the air.
No time! - We need to cut weight! - I can fix it! Shut up! You need to be my human parachute.
They have real parachutes.
- It's fine.
- Shut up, Seleña! Remember, I'm just like you! Well, I'm gonna go fix this.
This week on "Katfish.
" All right, let's dial this Amy girl up.
Let's see what's going on.
Hi, guys.
- Hey! - Hey! Oh, my God, it's you guys.
The one with the gray hair and the one with not.
- Yup.
- What's going on, Amy? Yeah, what's the dealio? I've been talking to this guy, Jake for, like, a year? And we met in a chatroom for ferret fanatics.
He's been telling me that he loves me since week one.
But I'm pretty sure I'm being katfished.
- What makes you say that? - Yeah.
Because this is his picture.
- Stay right there.
- Don't move.
So, he's saying he's Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor.
- Yeah, that's a major red flag.
- Um I know.
So, how did he get in touch with you? He just messaged me, and he said, "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
" Yeah, that's another red flag.
I know! I know, I know! He said that, and I was, like, "Oh, my God, I'm being katfished.
" So, what does he say when you try to FaceTime him? Busy, he's so busy, he's, like, "I can't.
I have to read a Hollywood movie script.
" Wow, let's go find out who's been katfishing you.
Oh, my God, am I going on an airplane? Okay, so our unpaid intern tracked down his IP address from the e-mails he sent you, and this is it.
You ready to meet the guy you've been chatting with? Oh, my God, I'm so ready.
I hope it's an overweight lesbian who can't make eye contact.
Hello? Hi, it's Amy.
Okay, Amy, even though your first emotion is probably gonna be anger, just try to remember that this person's hurting, too.
How much money do you get for a spin-off show? - Like, "The Challenge" or whatever? - What? Like, I'm gonna get MTV famous, right? Drinks? I knew it! Yes! You're just a lonely loser! Are you Amy? I am who I said I am.
Who are you?! She's here, sir! Amy, hi! God, it's so great to finally meet you.
That's Samuel, my door assistant.
This is Falkor.
What's with all the cameras? Why are you ruining my episode of "Katfish"? I totally understand why you were worried.
I thought I was being katfished by someone pretending to be a model.
But then, I felt like love is about taking a chance and here you are, and I'm so glad I did.
So, all that stuff you said about being nominated for an Oscar, that was true? Of course, why would I lie? That's, like, a really cool thing to get.
And all those awesome stories about you eating shrimp at craft services? I guess those were all true, too.
I would never lie to you, Amy.
Where's Margot, by the way? - Margot? - Your beloved ferret? Oh, um I got I got rid of her.
What what are you talking about? I sold her so that I could afford a publicist for when I got famous on "Katfish.
" Are you serious? I mean, she'd shit all over the place, and she smelled like dicks.
I didn't even know what a ferret was.
I thought it was just, like, a long gerbil.
I thought you loved ferrets.
I thought they were your main hobby.
Were you lying to me? Yeah, I thought I was being katfished.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck me? Fuck you, Amy! I believed in you! God, this is so fucking embarrassing! Fuck you! Fuck you, Amy! I believed in you! I can't God, this is so fucking embarrassing! So embarrassing! Fuck you! So, like, when does when does this air? Come on, we're not gonna air this.
You weren't katfished.
Of course you were, you gorgeous idiot.
They've been hot Chinatown garbage this whole time.
What? "Katfish.
" Coming up next on MTV, "True Life: I'm Hot Chinatown Garbage.
" - Oh, I'm, I'm so - Shit.
Excuse me.
Would you mind lending me your wife? Excuse me? For luck.
It's okay, honey.
He's in a suit.
I got money lots of it.
But you have something I don't have.
What? Her? - What's up? - That's not a necklace.
Supposing I were to make you an offer, to spend one night with your wife.
- Uh, how much mon - Pass.
No, shh - Shut your hole.
Shut your little hole.
- What? What what are we talking about here? For $39.
- Wait, $39 million? - No.
Shut the fuck up.
So, it feels like you want me to do it? Is that do you wanna is that something you'd wanna No, I definitely don't wanna do it.
Like, I can Oh, thanks, baby.
Thank you.
Do you know what this could mean? For the future of our weekend? We could go to Red Lobster and not just get the shrimp.
We could get some lobster.
We could go to the movies together.
And get popcorn? Probably not the popcorn.
Yeah.
- Really? - I guess so.
You know, if you were mine, I wouldn't share you with anyone for $39.
Just tell me what happened, did he It was just sex, Sam! Not love, just sex.
All right, I get it! Pick a hole, Sam! 'Cause he fucked me in it.
He got you in the Yeah, he put it in my tushy.
That hurts my feelings, that's horrible.
Would you feel better if you heard exactly - where he came on me? - Uh, no I want you to feel better about this.
Because I feel kind of great about it.
No, I wouldn't feel - Please, please, stop.
- I don't want anything to change.
I don't want that I am a squirter now - to change - Okay, oh, my God! anything about us, I love you.
I didn't even know you could squirt.
I don't wanna be DP'd by him and a friend that showed up last minute! I wanna be with you! The evening would come and go, but the $39 could last maybe a day.
Think of it, $39.
- For one night? - Right, but, um Babe, we just got $100,000 from both my parents dying.
Yeah, but you know what's better than $100,000 from both your parents dying? and $39 from both your parents dying.
Both your parents died? You remember the movie, "Indecent Proposal"? I did.
What did that movie, like, do for you? It made me realize that there's no woman I've ever loved that I wouldn't have gladly given up for a small percentage of that money.
The girlfriend you loved the most in your whole life.
What would you have given her up for a night? - I actually - 1500 a hole.
he could've had her for.
I can't believe you got us into this place.
It's, like, a month-long wait for reservations.
Yeah, let's just say I have connections.
- I have connections.
- "I have connections.
" My God, I have so much fun with you.
Who's that? Oh, that's the head chef, Link Donovan.
He used to work at Chez Lubbee's, but they fired him because apparently he's a huge asshole.
Anyway, I booked us a room Hmm, I didn't know this place had a bad boy chef.
Wow, his sunglasses are on backward.
Yes, please.
So, what do you think about that? Um Uh, yeah.
I guess everybody needs a place to put their sunglasses.
- What? - What'd you say? Oh, I just thought that after the couples' dressage, I could buy you some boots.
I know you have a lot of boots, but, uh He seems so misunderstood.
Don't ask me for sauce on the side ever again! Get the fuck out of here! That's right, my BBC.
What was that? I don't know, Doug.
Maybe just a flawed man trying to follow his passion while coming to terms with his need for sadness.
Are you all right? What? Yeah, just keep talking so I can think.
Oh, okay, the hotel.
No time for quiet, my gourmet golden pony boy.
Ahh! I'm sorry, but how do we not have our food by now? God, it's never about the food, Doug! Can't a man redeem himself with local sustainable ingredients? What, who? Shut the fuck up, Doug! Thank you.
Wow, so well-plated.
Compliments to the chef.
- Does this taste raw to you? - That's how I like it.
What about you, Kenny? Have you ever met a celebrity chef? My wife watches a lot of cooking shows.
Why are you so awful to talk to? It's my nature.
Jess - Jess Sapienza.
- Stop! - You are my friend for my whole life.
- Yes.
And I've been for a couple years wanting you to come and review movies.
'Cause whenever you see a movie, you go, "I'd be a good movie reviewer.
" Right.
First of all, you saw "The Revenant.
" - Stop it! - No.
Yes, I saw "The Revenant.
" That's all we talked about.
Well, I have not heard yet.
Please, you're a movie reviewer.
Please review "The Revenant.
" All right, I watched it at home illegally.
So it was awesome.
- Now what happens? - Okay.
All right, the bear, hello.
Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bear attack, and Tom Hardy left him for dead.
And, yadda yadda yadda, "The Revenant" is, uh, comes back and then kills Tom Hardy.
Okay, what do you think the movie "Carol" is about? Well, I thought it's about lesbians.
You don't have to whisper it.
Like, girls are straight-up allowed to just go at it now.
What is the most recent movie you saw? I two nights ago, we watched "The Night Before" with Seth Rogen.
Review it.
- I will review it.
- Do it.
- I fell asleep.
- Jess, that's Review "Mockingjay 2.
" Okay.
I have a severe crush on, um, Cressida.
Like, a hard crush.
What's Cressida? Um, what's her name? Natalie Dormer.
Oh, oh, her name's Cressida in the okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, okay, so the review so far is about Cressida.
Forget about the movie, forget about the movie.
But that's what we're doing, we're reviewing the movie, that's But before that at like the premiere of it.
First explain how you got invited to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
Tell me the plot.
You could definitely tell that a lot better than me.
Um, okay, well, from what I remember, we'd been hanging out with Jennifer Lawrence for about two hours.
And then out of nowhere, literally nowhere, you went, "Jennifer, here's why I should be invited "to the 'Mockingjay 2' premiere.
"I read all the books.
- I'm a fan!" - Do I sound like that? Is that what I sound like? Exactly like that.
So, we saw - we went to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
- Yes.
We were at a bar and shoving our like, nobody would eat.
We were invited to the upstairs movie thing.
The pre yeah, yeah.
And I'm at the bar and Natalie Dormer walks up.
And I've gotten good with, like, celebrities.
- You're very cool with them now.
- I've gotten better.
- You've gotten better.
- I've gotten better.
Okay, I'm just remembering at the, um, premiere of "Trainwreck" when you went up to Bill Hader going, "Do your gay character!" He loved that! He did.
- Okay, so - So, uh So for the review is that you like Natalie Dormer.
And that she was eating next to you at a bar where you were, like, literally eating your own body weight.
Right, and I yeah, yeah, yeah, right, that's it.
Okay, that's the whole That's the movie! No, it was good, it was good, it was good, um I'm trying to remember that.
I don't know, um Okay, what movie I'm, I'm, I'm blank, I'm blank.
- What movie is - I'm sorry.
No, you're gonna get so many job offers out of these movie reviews, Jess.
But I thought you loved ferrets.
God, this is so fucking embarrassing! Fuck you! Fuck you, Amy! Oh, my God So easy.
Mmm, magic.
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR
But it's really nice to meet you.
Meet you? I just want a photo.
Wow, you should really be nicer to your fans, Jeez.
Hi, can I have a small black coffee? - Name? - Amy.
Oh, you're Fat Amy from that singing movie.
- Pitch something? - No, that's not me.
Yes, it is I didn't see it, but my brother didn't like it.
Okay, thank you.
Amy? Amy Schumer? - Yeah.
- Can I have a selfie? - Oh.
- Can you do something funny? Like, can I pretend to grab your boob? - Ow! - Ow? Fat Amy? Fat Amy.
- Fat Amy.
- Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, uh, can you call my brother? It is his birthday this summer.
Sure.
- Gonna call him? - I can't from my phone.
I'm working.
You want me to call him from my phone? Yeah.
It is 213-555-5555 5.
Uh, it went right to voice mail.
Yeah, he's out of daytime minutes.
Or, ooh! Can you make him a video and text it to him? Mm-hmm, what's his name? - Cashew.
- Like the nut? No.
Okay.
Hey, Cashew.
Uh, it's Amy.
Here with your sister, she's working really hard.
She gave me your number, so, hi, happy birthday this summer okay.
That wasn't funny.
All right, well, I really have to run, thank you.
It wasn't good, can I take another one? Yeah, here, let me do it.
- You're not cute.
- What? I'm just kidding, see, I'm funny too! You should make me the show, everybody says I'm just like you, a piece of shit.
Okay, thanks.
I hate to be that girl, I'm so that girl right now, though, but, um, can, um - You want a picture? - No, can I have $100? I am such a big fan.
I, like, loved you since "Chelsea Lately.
" I'm not on that show.
Maybe consider being nicer to people who like you.
Do you have smaller bills? - No.
- Must be nice.
Hi, are you Amy Schumer? - I love your legs.
- Thank you.
- Can I eat one? - What? What, do you think you're better than everyone else now? - Is that it? - No.
- Let me eat your leg.
- It wasn't good.
- I lost it! - The money? Yeah, that's why I wanted smaller bills.
Amy Poehler let me chew on her hair.
- She's great.
- My brother is awake now.
Can you go to his house and have sex with him? Ow! Can I be annoying and ask you for one thing? Help.
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR I've been on the road with you for seven years.
- Yes.
- Have I changed? I would say the only change is, uh the quality of life has gone way up.
We used to go to IHOP and shit.
Well, I'd still like to go to IHOP and shit.
- Which is what happens.
- Good point.
Like, is there any difference you've seen in me? No, you were you were scary back then.
No, no, uh - No, no, but that's true, I was.
- Yeah.
We were doing, like, the shittiest clubs - Right.
- Staying in comedy condos.
And I was still, like, "I'm not doing that.
" - Yes, yes.
- I've always been - exactly how I am right now.
- Right.
From 40,000 feet above the earth aboard a luxury airship that never touches the ground for tax reasons, it's "Down To Earth," with your host, a regular normal person, just like you, Amy Schumer! Oh! We've got a great show for you tonight! But first, let's say "Hi" to the Down to E Band, Selena and the Schume-tones! She has a chef for her dog She bought a convent in Prague She owns three precogs This girl is just like you J-j-j-just like you Look, at you, Miss Rosetta Stone.
Look how good your English has gotten, I love! I was born in Texas.
So now it's time for our first segment, I'm Just Like Us! That's right, guys, I get coffee and bagel, just like me.
And that's my new miniature dinosaur, Pom Pom, wearing Narciso Rodriguez.
There are a lot of misconceptions about min-dins, but believe you me, they are the sweetest, most loving pet that you can pay to have genetically re-engineered.
Pom Pom is a rescue from extinction and Steven Spielby.
Okay, and then here's me with Perez Hilton.
So, look, I get a cup of joe, no fancy drink for me.
I just say, coffee.
But, uh, uh, you know what? I have hard days just like everyone else.
And here's what happened, so the barista she got mad when Pom Pom had to make shit.
So, I left, and let's just say I won't be going back.
Today's topic is using a hidden camera to spy on your maid who steals.
Let's go to the Relato-Cam and see what mine is stealing.
There she goes again! Stop stealing! Do I have a maid? Yes.
Do I know her name? No.
But I'm just like you.
I still wash my own legs.
I still do my own masturbating.
Thank you.
Seleña, am I saying that right? Masturbating or my name? Mmm, wow.
I didn't even know I was up for that award.
Here's a life hack for you.
After I make a call or take a vaggie, I like to shred my phone so it doesn't get hacked by Internet robots who are super jelly, like so.
Voilà ! Then have your personal assistant bring you a new phone.
Easy Peasy, beautiful.
Assistant! No, she does not need walk-on music.
Ooh, thank you, I love your blouse.
Alligators.
What is your name? - I'm your sister, Kim? - Ooh, "Sister Kim.
" A nun, high-end.
Now we're gonna meet our first guest.
Not a celebrity, he's just a regular, normal poor person like Seleña.
- My pilot, Jermone.
- Jero Jerome.
Jerome.
Careful, Jermone.
Here, have a seat.
You can take a knee right there.
- Fun, welcome to the show.
- No problem, I was already here.
Just, uh steering the zeppelin.
I can relate, interesting.
I'm just like you.
You're the boss lady, Miss Schumer.
Miss Schumer is my mother's pussy's name.
You can just call me America's Golden Eagle.
- Well, America's Golden Eagle.
- Ew.
- I just mainly fly the zeppelin.
- Mmm.
Refuel the zeppelin.
Do zeppelin repairs, stuff like that.
Actually, I should probably get back to the controls.
Nonsense, you're my guest, it's an honor.
For more information, check out my lifestyle website.
Engorge.
biz.
Oh, my God, what's going on? Nobody's flying the zeppelin, you idiot! You have to go down with the ship because you're in the band, and it's Titanic! Or we could just pull up the controls.
I mean, we're 40,000 feet up in the air.
No time! - We need to cut weight! - I can fix it! Shut up! You need to be my human parachute.
They have real parachutes.
- It's fine.
- Shut up, Seleña! Remember, I'm just like you! Well, I'm gonna go fix this.
This week on "Katfish.
" All right, let's dial this Amy girl up.
Let's see what's going on.
Hi, guys.
- Hey! - Hey! Oh, my God, it's you guys.
The one with the gray hair and the one with not.
- Yup.
- What's going on, Amy? Yeah, what's the dealio? I've been talking to this guy, Jake for, like, a year? And we met in a chatroom for ferret fanatics.
He's been telling me that he loves me since week one.
But I'm pretty sure I'm being katfished.
- What makes you say that? - Yeah.
Because this is his picture.
- Stay right there.
- Don't move.
So, he's saying he's Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor.
- Yeah, that's a major red flag.
- Um I know.
So, how did he get in touch with you? He just messaged me, and he said, "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
" Yeah, that's another red flag.
I know! I know, I know! He said that, and I was, like, "Oh, my God, I'm being katfished.
" So, what does he say when you try to FaceTime him? Busy, he's so busy, he's, like, "I can't.
I have to read a Hollywood movie script.
" Wow, let's go find out who's been katfishing you.
Oh, my God, am I going on an airplane? Okay, so our unpaid intern tracked down his IP address from the e-mails he sent you, and this is it.
You ready to meet the guy you've been chatting with? Oh, my God, I'm so ready.
I hope it's an overweight lesbian who can't make eye contact.
Hello? Hi, it's Amy.
Okay, Amy, even though your first emotion is probably gonna be anger, just try to remember that this person's hurting, too.
How much money do you get for a spin-off show? - Like, "The Challenge" or whatever? - What? Like, I'm gonna get MTV famous, right? Drinks? I knew it! Yes! You're just a lonely loser! Are you Amy? I am who I said I am.
Who are you?! She's here, sir! Amy, hi! God, it's so great to finally meet you.
That's Samuel, my door assistant.
This is Falkor.
What's with all the cameras? Why are you ruining my episode of "Katfish"? I totally understand why you were worried.
I thought I was being katfished by someone pretending to be a model.
But then, I felt like love is about taking a chance and here you are, and I'm so glad I did.
So, all that stuff you said about being nominated for an Oscar, that was true? Of course, why would I lie? That's, like, a really cool thing to get.
And all those awesome stories about you eating shrimp at craft services? I guess those were all true, too.
I would never lie to you, Amy.
Where's Margot, by the way? - Margot? - Your beloved ferret? Oh, um I got I got rid of her.
What what are you talking about? I sold her so that I could afford a publicist for when I got famous on "Katfish.
" Are you serious? I mean, she'd shit all over the place, and she smelled like dicks.
I didn't even know what a ferret was.
I thought it was just, like, a long gerbil.
I thought you loved ferrets.
I thought they were your main hobby.
Were you lying to me? Yeah, I thought I was being katfished.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck me? Fuck you, Amy! I believed in you! God, this is so fucking embarrassing! Fuck you! Fuck you, Amy! I believed in you! I can't God, this is so fucking embarrassing! So embarrassing! Fuck you! So, like, when does when does this air? Come on, we're not gonna air this.
You weren't katfished.
Of course you were, you gorgeous idiot.
They've been hot Chinatown garbage this whole time.
What? "Katfish.
" Coming up next on MTV, "True Life: I'm Hot Chinatown Garbage.
" - Oh, I'm, I'm so - Shit.
Excuse me.
Would you mind lending me your wife? Excuse me? For luck.
It's okay, honey.
He's in a suit.
I got money lots of it.
But you have something I don't have.
What? Her? - What's up? - That's not a necklace.
Supposing I were to make you an offer, to spend one night with your wife.
- Uh, how much mon - Pass.
No, shh - Shut your hole.
Shut your little hole.
- What? What what are we talking about here? For $39.
- Wait, $39 million? - No.
Shut the fuck up.
So, it feels like you want me to do it? Is that do you wanna is that something you'd wanna No, I definitely don't wanna do it.
Like, I can Oh, thanks, baby.
Thank you.
Do you know what this could mean? For the future of our weekend? We could go to Red Lobster and not just get the shrimp.
We could get some lobster.
We could go to the movies together.
And get popcorn? Probably not the popcorn.
Yeah.
- Really? - I guess so.
You know, if you were mine, I wouldn't share you with anyone for $39.
Just tell me what happened, did he It was just sex, Sam! Not love, just sex.
All right, I get it! Pick a hole, Sam! 'Cause he fucked me in it.
He got you in the Yeah, he put it in my tushy.
That hurts my feelings, that's horrible.
Would you feel better if you heard exactly - where he came on me? - Uh, no I want you to feel better about this.
Because I feel kind of great about it.
No, I wouldn't feel - Please, please, stop.
- I don't want anything to change.
I don't want that I am a squirter now - to change - Okay, oh, my God! anything about us, I love you.
I didn't even know you could squirt.
I don't wanna be DP'd by him and a friend that showed up last minute! I wanna be with you! The evening would come and go, but the $39 could last maybe a day.
Think of it, $39.
- For one night? - Right, but, um Babe, we just got $100,000 from both my parents dying.
Yeah, but you know what's better than $100,000 from both your parents dying? and $39 from both your parents dying.
Both your parents died? You remember the movie, "Indecent Proposal"? I did.
What did that movie, like, do for you? It made me realize that there's no woman I've ever loved that I wouldn't have gladly given up for a small percentage of that money.
The girlfriend you loved the most in your whole life.
What would you have given her up for a night? - I actually - 1500 a hole.
he could've had her for.
I can't believe you got us into this place.
It's, like, a month-long wait for reservations.
Yeah, let's just say I have connections.
- I have connections.
- "I have connections.
" My God, I have so much fun with you.
Who's that? Oh, that's the head chef, Link Donovan.
He used to work at Chez Lubbee's, but they fired him because apparently he's a huge asshole.
Anyway, I booked us a room Hmm, I didn't know this place had a bad boy chef.
Wow, his sunglasses are on backward.
Yes, please.
So, what do you think about that? Um Uh, yeah.
I guess everybody needs a place to put their sunglasses.
- What? - What'd you say? Oh, I just thought that after the couples' dressage, I could buy you some boots.
I know you have a lot of boots, but, uh He seems so misunderstood.
Don't ask me for sauce on the side ever again! Get the fuck out of here! That's right, my BBC.
What was that? I don't know, Doug.
Maybe just a flawed man trying to follow his passion while coming to terms with his need for sadness.
Are you all right? What? Yeah, just keep talking so I can think.
Oh, okay, the hotel.
No time for quiet, my gourmet golden pony boy.
Ahh! I'm sorry, but how do we not have our food by now? God, it's never about the food, Doug! Can't a man redeem himself with local sustainable ingredients? What, who? Shut the fuck up, Doug! Thank you.
Wow, so well-plated.
Compliments to the chef.
- Does this taste raw to you? - That's how I like it.
What about you, Kenny? Have you ever met a celebrity chef? My wife watches a lot of cooking shows.
Why are you so awful to talk to? It's my nature.
Jess - Jess Sapienza.
- Stop! - You are my friend for my whole life.
- Yes.
And I've been for a couple years wanting you to come and review movies.
'Cause whenever you see a movie, you go, "I'd be a good movie reviewer.
" Right.
First of all, you saw "The Revenant.
" - Stop it! - No.
Yes, I saw "The Revenant.
" That's all we talked about.
Well, I have not heard yet.
Please, you're a movie reviewer.
Please review "The Revenant.
" All right, I watched it at home illegally.
So it was awesome.
- Now what happens? - Okay.
All right, the bear, hello.
Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bear attack, and Tom Hardy left him for dead.
And, yadda yadda yadda, "The Revenant" is, uh, comes back and then kills Tom Hardy.
Okay, what do you think the movie "Carol" is about? Well, I thought it's about lesbians.
You don't have to whisper it.
Like, girls are straight-up allowed to just go at it now.
What is the most recent movie you saw? I two nights ago, we watched "The Night Before" with Seth Rogen.
Review it.
- I will review it.
- Do it.
- I fell asleep.
- Jess, that's Review "Mockingjay 2.
" Okay.
I have a severe crush on, um, Cressida.
Like, a hard crush.
What's Cressida? Um, what's her name? Natalie Dormer.
Oh, oh, her name's Cressida in the okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, okay, so the review so far is about Cressida.
Forget about the movie, forget about the movie.
But that's what we're doing, we're reviewing the movie, that's But before that at like the premiere of it.
First explain how you got invited to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
Tell me the plot.
You could definitely tell that a lot better than me.
Um, okay, well, from what I remember, we'd been hanging out with Jennifer Lawrence for about two hours.
And then out of nowhere, literally nowhere, you went, "Jennifer, here's why I should be invited "to the 'Mockingjay 2' premiere.
"I read all the books.
- I'm a fan!" - Do I sound like that? Is that what I sound like? Exactly like that.
So, we saw - we went to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
- Yes.
We were at a bar and shoving our like, nobody would eat.
We were invited to the upstairs movie thing.
The pre yeah, yeah.
And I'm at the bar and Natalie Dormer walks up.
And I've gotten good with, like, celebrities.
- You're very cool with them now.
- I've gotten better.
- You've gotten better.
- I've gotten better.
Okay, I'm just remembering at the, um, premiere of "Trainwreck" when you went up to Bill Hader going, "Do your gay character!" He loved that! He did.
- Okay, so - So, uh So for the review is that you like Natalie Dormer.
And that she was eating next to you at a bar where you were, like, literally eating your own body weight.
Right, and I yeah, yeah, yeah, right, that's it.
Okay, that's the whole That's the movie! No, it was good, it was good, it was good, um I'm trying to remember that.
I don't know, um Okay, what movie I'm, I'm, I'm blank, I'm blank.
- What movie is - I'm sorry.
No, you're gonna get so many job offers out of these movie reviews, Jess.
But I thought you loved ferrets.
God, this is so fucking embarrassing! Fuck you! Fuck you, Amy! Oh, my God So easy.
Mmm, magic.
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