Life in Pieces (2015) s04e06 Episode Script

1 Hey, Joan, you want to go for a walk with me? I got my new stretchy pants on.
JOAN: Oh, I think the ones with the little windows in the front are for the ladies.
Oh, man.
I can't return 'em 'cause I'm not wearing underwear.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - All right, what do you say let's take this awesome conversation on the road, put a few miles on that new knee.
Oh, fun.
No.
Oh, come on, Joan, we both need the rehab.
My ticker, your kicker.
Besides, I promised Heather that I'd get you out of that bathrobe.
I don't think that was correctly phrased.
No, that's exactly what I wanted to say.
Um, I want to get you out of that robe and turn you into a streetwalker.
(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm exhausted.
These pants have no ventilation.
My thigh windows are all fogged up.
Yeah, I feel the same.
I couldn't even walk over the speed bump.
I had to sit on the curb and then throw my legs over.
Whoa, look at this.
Who would throw this out? Oh, I think most people.
Yeah, well, most people don't have a treadmill-sized space right next to their bed.
Well, I haven't played one of these since John and I were first dating.
Oh, my gosh, we won enough tickets to buy three packs of cigarettes.
It was a different time.
I can't even remember the first time I played.
So, we've all got our stories.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, and now I'm just like this old table: I'm broken down and ready to be dumped at the curb.
Hey, don't talk like that.
Sure, she's past her prime, but you can still sink your balls in her.
- Oh! - Come on.
- (GIGGLING) - What do you say? Give it a try.
- Fine.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah, well, it's not like, you know, throwing a ball is gonna make everything seem bet - Oh, my gosh! - Oh! Did you see that shot? I've still got it.
All right, what do you say? A little game, you and I? Oh, I think I'm gonna beat the lady pants off you.
(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TELEVISION) Hey, Joan.
You, uh, ready for another walk? No, I don't think so.
I'm kind of exhausted from yesterday.
Um, you know, I-I promised Heather, you know? And I thought of, like, a dozen ball jokes.
I thought of two as well.
One of them's historical.
I'll go get them.
I wrote them down.
All right.
Hey, this is getting much easier.
Did you see me on that speed bump? I did.
You know what's really great? You're wearing underwear today.
Oh, you can see the lines.
I was gonna say the conversation is nice.
It is.
- Oh! Yes.
- (GROANS) Now, all my balls are in your court.
Ugh.
You destroyed me, Joan.
- Oh, honey.
- Well, I got bogged down trying to make a "Cinderella at the balls" joke, but it's impossible.
It can't be done.
Can you imagine Cinderella squeezing in two balls before midnight? Damn it! (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, I grabbed a bunch of tickets out of Sophia's drawer so we could pretend - that we won.
- Oh, I think she was - saving those for a laser tag.
- Ah.
She's got a piggy bank that says "College Fund.
" I take from that all the time.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, no.
It's gone.
It's gone.
Oh, gee.
- It was fun while it lasted.
- Yeah.
I have to thank Heather for getting us to exercise together.
Yeah, about that.
Uh if I'm being totally honest with you, Heather doesn't know we've been doing this.
What do you mean? Well, she wanted me to go for a walk, but I was afraid to go alone.
I mean, what happens if my heart stops and there's no one there to get it started again? Oh, Tim.
I know we've had our differences - over the years, Joan.
- We have? We weren't even talking to each other last winter.
We weren't? But, these last few days, you've been a real comfort to me.
Oh, Tim, this whole heart thing can be so scary.
You know, but trust me, I think your heart's the best part of you.
Aw.
Thanks, Joan.
Well, you want to head back? We knew the arcade had to close eventually.
(TIM CHUCKLES) I'm sorry for whatever I said last winter.
Oh, you didn't say anything.
That's what hurt.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Coming.
- JOAN: Tim! Tim.
- (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - Hi.
- Joan.
What? On my way to the store, I found an air hockey table.
Just left for dead on the curb.
Uh, about eight blocks away.
You think we can make it? Eight blocks? I can do eight and a half.
(EXCITED SQUEAL) Let's do it.
Let's do it.
And we can work on our jokes on the way.
You'll never guess what rhymes with "puck.
" Thank you for the dinner.
May I please be excused? Yes, you may be excused.
(SCOFFS) We really hit the jackpot with this kid.
I mean, I don't even mind that he makes me look bad - when he opens the car door for you.
- (CHUCKLES) I can't believe that we are parents to a four-year-old.
The only thing is, what are we gonna do with all this baby stuff? - Oh, I know.
- (GROANS) Maybe we can sell it to Greg.
Careful.
My snake's in there.
No, it's not.
- Careful, my snake's somewhere.
- Oh, Dougie.
Hi, Dougie.
Oh, the new guy's still here.
Yes, Dougie, we adopted him, remember? That's why we had you move into the office.
Right, yes.
I remember Lucas.
(IMITATING DARTH VADER): Luke, I am your father.
Bit of a risky joke for an adopted kid.
COLLEEN: Yes.
Lucas, do you have any twos? Go fish, fart-sack.
Did you just call me a fart-sack? Lucas, where did you hear that? DOUGIE: Hey! Which one of you fart-sacks took my shower Crocs? - Think I know where he heard it.
- Mm-hmm.
MATT: So, Dougie.
Suddenly living with a four-year-old is that's just new territory for all of us.
And you're setting a terrible example.
You are.
Okay, Dougie, we are not asking you to move out.
No, because you just signed that two-year lease and we know how vindictive you can be.
Thank you guys for noticing.
All we're asking is that you find your snake, you try and watch your language, and you just be your best self.
- Or you can be someone else's best self.
- Yeah.
I will consider your request.
I've made a decision.
Mm.
I've reconsidered.
And I will honor your request.
Lucas, how are you enjoying dinner? (BURPS) DOUGIE: Lucas! Manners.
There are ladies here.
Uh, Dougie, you look Hot? I know.
- Colleen - Mm-hmm? could you please pass the po-ta-toes? I would be happy to.
What a polite young lady.
Ah.
Degrassias.
Could you please pass the po-ta-toes? DOUGIE: Yes, sir.
All right.
Dougie, thank you so much for making an effort.
Ah, you got it.
I would curtsy right now, but my Spanx are about to split me in two.
(ALL CHUCKLING) I want soda.
(CLEARS THROAT) Dougie Um, "may I want soda.
" No, no, Dougie, we-we don't drink soda.
Of course we do not.
Carbonation is the devil's gas.
- Dig in.
- (CHUCKLES) Mmm.
Oh, Dougie, you have a little something on your Know what? Enough.
I can't keep up this charade.
It's too hard being your perfect baby.
And this dinner, it tastes like poo.
- I'm out of here.
- (FABRIC RIPPING) Ow.
Ow.
Ow! Ah! I got angry and my Spanx just blew.
Okay.
Night is over, losers.
This is the worst dinner I've ever had.
Ah, God.
Yeah, it is poo, losers.
Give me, give me candy! Candy! Dougie's been a really bad influence on him.
She was singing that "Give me candy" song all morning.
- Oh.
- But it's not Lucas's fault.
He's only acting like this because he wants candy.
Yeah.
Do you have any? The child has asked for some several times now.
Give me, give me candy, candy! Give me, give me candy, candy! Oh, you guys, listen, Dougie is not your problem.
I mean, yeah, she is a problem, in general, but she's not this problem.
You have to talk to your kid.
- But he's so young.
- Oh Yeah, and we don't want to say anything that's gonna make him hate us.
Yeah, you do.
That's how you know you're being a good parent.
Sam, go do your homework.
Mom, go do your housework.
Okay, see? That hurt.
But you get where I'm going with this.
- So we got to, like, lay down the law.
- Yeah.
And if he hates us, we'll just give him candy.
Okay, no.
And then we'll take it back.
MAN (ON TV): Watch the entrails pour out like pancake batter.
Lucas, what are you doing? You're supposed to be in bed, buddy.
Ugh, we're watching a documentary on autopsies.
Dougie, this isn't appropriate for Lucas.
Don't worry, it's autopsies on aliens.
You should see the genitals on this one.
Okay, Lucas, go to bed.
But Dougie said I could watch one more genital.
Well, Dougie is not your parents.
We are.
Go to bed.
Now.
(LUCAS AND DOUGIE GROAN) (LUCAS CONTINUES GROANING) This is so hard.
I hate being hated.
I didn't think we would have to feel like this until we had a teenager.
Don't worry, you guys are doing the right thing.
Kids deal well with boundaries.
That's why I was kept in a cage.
- I can't sleep.
- No, I know.
I know.
Me neither.
Me neither.
Can I sleep with you? - Aw.
- I got this, Colleen.
We said go to bed.
No, this is what we want.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm-I'm a little fuzzy on the rules, buddy.
You want to come up here? (CHUCKLES) So, is Dougie my brother or my sister? Geez, Heather, when I said I'd volunteer, I-I thought I'd be doing morning announcements and sharing my political views.
(CHUCKLES) No, Dad, this is great.
Gets you out, lets you be more social.
Well, I've got your mother and Alexa.
Well, they both need a break from being yelled at all the time.
Ooh, hey! We know this one.
- Hi, Soph! - Hi, Pop-Pop.
What are you doing here? I'm slinging garbage.
My apologies to the cook.
Oh, I didn't make that slop.
I just pour sawdust on it when it comes back up.
Steve Sissel, Janitorial Arts.
Oh, John Short, uh, Alcohol Sciences.
- Ooh, that's my minor.
- Oh.
Ugh.
Uh, Sophia, why is your hot grandpa - talking to Psycho Sissel? - What? Look, I'm gonna go clean out the teachers' crapper.
Mm-hmm.
You finish up that slop, and we'll meet back in the janitor's closet in about 15 minutes.
Got it.
I didn't know that creepy weirdo could speak.
And did you just call my grandpa hot? (WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) (DOORBELL RINGS) I'll get it.
I hate this part.
It's way too scary.
(SCREAMING ON TV) (SCREAMS) Sophia, he's got a chain saw! You're missing it! Hey, Siss.
Thanks for letting me borrow your chain saw.
Mine's stuck in a tree.
Yeah, I threw it up there trying to scare a cat down.
Well, be careful with this one.
It'll cut right through bone, at least the bones of a child.
(WOMAN ON TV SCREAMING) That's what the weird salesman told me.
Why is Psycho Sissel here? Pop-Pop met him at school, and I think they're friends now.
- What? - SAMANTHA: Does Pop-Pop know that Sissel steals fetal pigs from the science lab and eats them in the janitor's closet? I heard he waits until everyone is gone, turns off all the lights, and slowly walks up and down the school hallways.
Up and down, up and down, with a mop.
Ugh, he's so gross and crusty.
His face looks like the top of a cranberry muffin.
I just wish he'd leave.
Oh, is that so? Well, you got your wish.
Hey, Siss, let's drink a bunch and then fire up this chain saw and cut some stuff.
No.
I got to go clean out the long jump pit.
Preschoolers treat it like a litter box.
It gets all gross and crusty, like a cranberry muffin.
(DOOR OPENS) That's okay, I-I can always - chug and cut with some other friend.
- (DOOR CLOSES) (SIGHS) Pop-Pop, are you okay? Well, I called Mr.
Sissel, like, five times, and nothing.
Well, I'm sure he's really busy at school.
He had to clean all the lice combs.
HEATHER: You know what, Dad? Listen, he probably doesn't get good reception.
I mean, clearly the guy lives in a basement somewhere.
No, he's definitely not returning my calls.
I guess he's just not that into me.
Well, you don't need him.
You got plenty of friends.
Oh, no, sweetie.
Actually, all his friends are dead.
Two are in hospice.
Oh, that's right.
(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, make that one.
Hello? Mr.
Sissel? Mr.
Sissel? - What do you want? - (GASPS) My God, it's true.
They're horrible, ain't they? The science lab ran out of space, so they make me store 'em down here.
Huh? You know, I broke one once.
Only thing that'll get that smell out is time.
Mr.
Sissel, I'm so sorry for being mean.
Please don't let that affect your relationship with my grandpa.
He doesn't make many friends.
Yeah, neither do I.
I thought it was because I was too chatty.
But now, thanks to you, I know it's because I'm a horrifying monster.
No, you're not.
I'm sure you're a very nice man and that there's a good reason there's a dismembered torso in the corner of the room.
That's the CPR dummy.
That is a good reason.
So, will you call Pop-Pop back? Yeah, I guess.
And, you know, the kids might not think you're so scary if you smiled a bit more.
Or you could just smile with your eyes.
We'll keep thinking.
Hey, guys.
Sissel's got Sophia! (ALL SCREAMING) Jen, you're amazing.
Throwing the perfect birthday party for Lark three weeks before you're due.
What's the theme? Colors? Well, Lark wanted unicorns, superheroes, and buses.
You know, I just, I just want her to have the best birthday ever before I have this baby and ruin her life.
No, honey.
A baby is the best gift you could ever give her.
When I was a baby, Matt put me in the trash.
Oh, we got you out before the raccoons came.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (LAUGHTER) So, Maxine licked, uh, Madison's Ring Pop, and I told her I'd get her a new one, but I'm just gonna hang here for a second and then just give her the same one.
You cool with that? (STRAINED): Yup.
What are you doing? Just, uh, chilling.
Uh, you sure about that? Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Just a little (STRAINS): gas every, uh, seven to eight minutes.
Oh, my God, you're having contractions? What? I am having this birthday for Lark.
Okay? And it's gonna be perfect.
Because it is her last birthday where she has us all to herself.
So (EXHALES) I can get through this.
I am not having this baby today.
Jen? I'm having this baby today.
(CRYING): Is the party over yet? We were talking in the kitchen five minutes ago.
Oh, my God, time is moving backwards.
Okay, that's it.
We're taking you to the hospital.
Come on.
- What? No! No.
- Whoa.
If I have this baby today, then I will ruin her birthday.
Well, whose birthday are you talking about? Because technically, they're both gonna have the same birthday.
Oh, no.
They're gonna have the same birthday? God, why did I let you have sex with me nine months ago? Well, actually, you kn I was the one that let you.
My barber parted my hair on the wrong side, and it was game on.
Stranger sex.
Really do not like that that is your weakness, but you are a great mom, okay, to two kids now.
You know, so we got to balance both of their needs.
Okay? Lark having a great birthday, Tim delivering the baby on the front lawn.
Yeah, you're right, we'll go.
After the party.
Well, then, we got to make this party go quick.
- (CHILDREN CHEERING) - GREG: Here you want to know what? Lark, here.
Let me help you, Lark.
You just got to put your back into it.
Okay? (PEOPLE GASPING) Okay.
Okay, here we go.
(GRUNTS) Yay, Lark.
You did it.
- There we go.
- Uh, you want to know what? - Let's do gifts.
Huh? - Yeah.
Gifts.
Yup, yup, yup, yup.
Honey? Matt and Colleen aren't here yet.
Yeah, that doesn't matter.
Yeah, 'cause you know what they're gonna do.
They're gonna show up late, and then they're gonna pretend that they left their gifts at home, but you're never gonna see it, so let's just open these.
- Okay? - Okay.
Save the paper, save the paper.
- Oh, my God.
- I taught her that.
Okay.
Greg, we got to keep moving.
Yeah, ye I like to just rip these puppies open.
And that way, we can make it snow.
Whee! HEATHER: Greg, do you want me to make a list of the gifts for thank-yous? No, no, we'll do it now.
Uh, thank you all.
Yeah, yeah, o-ours was a savings bond.
So, you just destroyed it.
You know what? It's cake time.
- Cake! - We're doing cake.
Let's do cake.
Can't have the cake before the pizza.
If all the children go home and tell their parents that you served the cake before the pizza Yeah, well, life is short, eat dessert first.
- JEN: Hey-o.
- Man, this party's wild.
- Happy birthday - Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Lark Happy birthday to you.
- Blow the candles out, wow.
- (FAKE SNEEZE) - (CHEERING) - Don't tell anybody your wish, kid! Okay, you good? - Yeah.
We did it.
Let's go.
- Okay.
- Okay - (LIQUID SPATTERING) HEATHER: Oh, my God.
Jen, your water broke.
Uh, that wasn't in any book you ever gave me.
Come here, Lark.
Mommy has to go to the hospital now because your little sister is ready to come out.
Are you excited to meet her? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's excited to meet you, too.
And, um, I promise that she's gonna get you a-a great present, okay? Okay.
Tell her I want a brother.
Okay, well, they might be all out of those, but I'll let her know.
Give me a hug.
Come here.
- We love you, kiddo.
- We love you.
Go.
We've got her.
Go over to Mom-Mom.
- I love you.
Go.
- HEATHER: Good luck, you guys.
- We love you.
- We love you so much.
TIM: Drive safely, please.
Hi.
Oh shoot, we forgot Lark's present at home.
GREG: Of course you did.