Lovejoy (1986) s04e06 Episode Script

Oi, you two.
What's all that running about? Running about? Who's running about? - That bastard's driven off with it.
- What?! GS-956 to base.
(Siren) - Caught him then? - Looks like it.
- Step out of the car, please.
- Who, me? Is this your car, sir? - Well, no, but - You surprise me.
Hold on a minute.
Hey! (Grunts) At last, my muscle! Get in there! Wake up, dummy, rise and shine.
It's your early morning It's your early morning courtesy call.
Not very courteous.
The boss wants his money, Loverboy, now.
I haven't got the money.
Did you hear something, Ginger? I did, Frank, I heard something.
You know what, you're gonna get measured for a concrete suit if you don't get the money up, Lovetoy.
Honestly, you've gotta believe me, I haven't got any money.
You've gotta give me time! Time is what you ain't got, Loveholes.
That right, babe? He ain't worth a hill of beans in this whole goddamn world.
- You said it.
- Charlie I'll quit the rackets.
You won't hear another peep out of me.
D'you hear that, Slim? I heard it, but I don't like it.
Me neither.
You've gotta give me time! We gotta give you nothin'.
- (Horse neighs) - What's this? A horse of a different water.
Saddle up, Lovetoss.
(Laughs) Ain't they cute? I've got no money.
I've got the money.
Don't mumble.
I hate mumbling.
I've brought you some tea, Lovejoy.
Huh?! And a Mr.
Tinker called.
(Horse nickers) Are you all right, Lovejoy? Top of the world, Ma.
Top of the world.
Name? It's me.
You know me.
Eric.
Take your belt off.
Me trousers'll fall down.
Get 'em off.
I bet you say that to all the boys.
Off! All right, all right, sorry.
All right, all right.
Right, let's start again.
Name? Eric.
Eric's been arrested.
- How'd he manage that? - Search me.
They've got him incarcerated down the local nick.
Probably a bald tire on the Harley.
Lovejoy, we've gotta get him out.
I know him, he'll panic.
He'll hate the food, he'll upset the cooks because he won't eat it.
- He'll hang himself, he'll bash his head - Tink, calm down, will you.
Where's Janey? That's the problem, Janey telephoned him and asked him to pick up the Range Rover from the station.
Said she'd call him tomorrow and tell him where to collect her.
What's she up to? I dunno, but the police must've made a mistake.
They probably think he stole the Range Rover.
They couldn't be that daft.
Come on, let's sort this out.
I wonder where Janey is.
- We're here about Eric Catchpole.
- Please, Lovejoy.
We believe he's here, Sergeant, for a minor traffic offence.
- I'm sure there's been a mix-up - Lovejoy! The gentleman in question is of excellent character and of sound mind.
- Semi-sound.
- But he wouldn't hurt a fly.
The point is, Sergeant, he was in the vehicle with the complete consent and permission of the owner.
He is a very good driver Hello, Dennis.
- You have information for us, Lovejoy? - Oh, no! - Oh, yes, you do.
- Not without a lawyer.
- You think you might need one? - No! I'm just here as a concerned citizen helping a fellow victim, I mean friend.
I'm sure it can all be cleared up quite quickly.
Let's hope so.
What's all this about a traffic offence? We heard that Eric had been nicked for taking and driving away, sir.
Well, he hasn't.
Well, that's all cleared up, we can all go home then.
Yeah, it does clear up that aspect of the case, yeah.
There's another aspect of the case? Well, it's a mere trifle, really.
That just leaves us the matter of the stolen property - precious artefacts found in the possession of the alleged perpetrator - namely in the boot of the said vehicle.
Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation for the precious artefacts found in the boot of the said vehicle.
And I'm sure there's an equally simple explanation for the fact that your dabs are all over the aforementioned goods, Lovejoy.
The colonel called me Thursday last.
Told me he was thinking of selling some stuff, would I come over and give him a valuation, which I did.
- Any good stuff? - Not bad, not spectacular, but it accounts for my fingerprints being all over it.
And you're sure this is the colonel's silverware? Yeah, this is some of it.
Right, well, as usual, Lovejoy, - it's a convincing explanation.
- Convincing, because it's true.
It still doesn't explain how the colonel's silverware found its way into the back of Lady Jane's Range Rover.
No Can't help you there.
All I do know is that Eric wouldn't have anything to do with it.
Well, your estimation of Eric's character is touchingly optimistic, Lovejoy.
What about Lady Jane? What about her? Stolen gear was found in the back of her car! Lady Jane as cat burglar? You're going soft, Dennis.
Yes, all right, all right.
- I'm gonna let you go, Lovejoy.
- Oh, thank you.
Just do me a favor, don't take any trips abroad, all right? And listen We're gonna have to hold friend Eric.
He's still got some questions need answering, and let's just hope that the colonel corroborates your story.
He will.
Where's Eric? Are they not gonna let him go? How are you, Veronica? Yeah, long time.
(Laughs) Mm, yeah.
Actually, I'm calling you to see if you know where Jane is.
I'm trying to contact her on a business matter.
You've no idea where she is.
I'll give you a ring.
Bye, Veronica.
Lovejoy, I hardly think this is the time for romantic entanglements.
I was phoning to find out if she knew where Jane is.
She didn't.
In fact, nobody does.
This person might.
Have you managed to locate the colonel? No.
He's out as well.
Maybe they're off together.
Give me a break! Oh, I forgot.
This bloke's been trying to get in touch with you.
Bloke called Connaught wants an evaluation with the prospect of a sale.
Lives on the other side of Dunmow, the address is there.
Well, I hope I've conveyed the seriousness with which the bank views these matters.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I'm in the hands of head office.
I'm sure you are, Mr.
Cruickshank.
I'd be sorry for you to lose your house.
Well, goodbye then.
We'll be in touch shortly.
No doubt.
No doubt.
- Mr.
Connaught? - Yes.
I'm Lovejoy, you've been looking for me.
Oh, yes! Yes, absolutely.
Come in, yes.
- Drink? - No, I'll pass for now, thank you.
- How did you hear about me? - Oh, word gets around.
They say you've got the best nose in the area for knick-knacks and the like.
The stuff's in the cellar.
Shall we go and take a look? After you, sir.
Wing Commander, actually.
Wow! Wow! Not bad, is it? But I want to get shot of it because my wife's just died, and I'm retiring to Spain.
Where did you get this? My wife was always very interested in antiques.
She picked the whole lot up from a synagogue up north somewhere.
Leeds or Manchester, I think.
She paid quite a lot for it, I seem to remember.
- Do you have provenance? - Have what? Provenance - you know, history, origin, where it comes from, that sort of thing.
No, not a thing, I'm afraid.
My wife, of course, was not a professional dealer.
But you have a bill of sale? No, not a thing, I'm afraid.
I mean, to her, this would be just, you know, going shopping.
But I think the stuff is right, as you fellows say.
There's quite few hallmarks, if you take a look.
I have.
This is specialized stuff.
You'd probably do better at auction.
No.
No, private.
My commission's 25%.
Twenty-five percent? Twenty-two and a half.
Twenty.
Done.
(Tinker) It's terrible all walled up in here.
I can't cope for thinking about you, Eric.
Don't worry, I'll pull through.
Come on, Tink, don't take on like that.
But I can't help it.
It'll all come out in the wash, won't it? Eric, I got you cheese and onion cos they hadn't got any beef.
Eh? I hope you enjoy it cos it may be your last.
Oh, I didn't mean that.
(Laughs) Don't come any more if you're going to make stupid jokes.
I'm sorry, Eric.
Feel good, do you, arresting an innocent man? - Eh? - It's like a South American police state.
Innocents screaming at night as they're dragged from their law-abiding beds and flung into football stadiums to be tortured.
Hold on a minute, that's a bit OTT.
When are you gonna let him go? He didn't do it, you know.
There's no torture unless you count the food, and if he's innocent, he'll be out, all right? What makes you think he's so innocent? - From where I'm standing he don't look it.
- He can't help how he looks.
He's not the type.
He couldn't organize, begging your pardon, a piss-up in a brewery! He hasn't the intellectual capability to deal with it.
- And how do you know that? - Because I work with him, man and boy, shoulder to shoulder Cheers.
sharing a chisel, and I have, to my cost, a minute understanding of his capacities.
Mm-hm, is that so? How is he on electronics? Rewiring a 13-amp plug would stretch his abilities to the limit, some would say beyond.
Mm.
That's interesting, because most of these robberies involve incapacitating burglar alarms.
- Do you mean disabling them? - Exactly.
That's a laugh, he couldn't even take the cover off, never mind dewire anything.
Listen, I'm speaking strictly off the record, of course.
Whatever happened to habeas corpus? We gave it the elbow.
Listen the law grinds slowly, but it grinds very, very small.
If he's innocent, he'll be out, all right? He'd better be or you'll have an insurrection on your hands.
What, in Essex? Read your history books.
Well, the colonel came through and vouched for the fact that I did his valuation for him.
We've gotta get Eric out on bail.
Did you see him this morning? - Ah, no, it's a bit sad, actually.
- What? Unfortunate.
I didn't get to see him.
- Why not? - I didn't get up in time, actually.
Oh, Lovejoy! There's Janey now.
Yoo-hoo! - I wonder where she's been.
- She looks as if she enjoyed herself.
What on earth's happened to the Range Rover? He'll tell you.
Well So, the police get to keep the Range Rover? - And Eric.
- Huh, poor Eric.
Never mind.
We'll get both back in due course.
Enjoy your trip? Oh, lovely.
Wherever you went, you look as if you enjoyed yourself.
- Oh, yes.
- Somewhere nice, was it? Mm.
Anywhere we know? (Laughs) - What? - (All laugh) Ah, Lady Felsham, how kind of you to drop by.
Yes, how can I help? Well, um, we would like to establish that you gave permission for a person to collect and drive away your car.
Yes.
And, well, if it wouldn't be too much of a problem, we'd like to Well, it would help us To know where I was in the intervening period? Exactly.
Certainly.
Could we perhaps step through here? Yes, of course.
- Come on.
- Eh? Hello, Tink.
Well, they've given me my belt back.
Of course they gave you your belt back.
What do you think they are, a bunch of thieves? Don't answer that.
What you need comes in a tall glass and is to be found at the White Hart.
- Well, where's Lady Jane? - You can thank her later, come on.
(Engine sputtering) (Lady Jane) Your driving's even worse! - I don't think we're going to make it, Janey.
- What? - What's happening? - Come on.
Out.
(Both cough) Well, how are we going to Come on, Jane, I'll call Abbots, they'll take care of it.
- All right.
- Where you going? - What? - Short cut.
Oh, well, why not? Thank you.
- Janey? - No.
- No, what? - I know what you're going to ask, Lovejoy - You don't know what I was going to ask.
- Yes, I do and I'm not going to tell you.
All I was gonna ask you is what time is it, Janey.
Oh, Lovejoy, my bag, in the back.
a remarkable collection of pre-war Judaica.
Mm-hm.
A wide variety of objects, most of them in terrific nick.
Definitely something you should see, Mr.
Solomon.
I could bring up some photographs for you to look at tomorrow.
Tomorrow it is.
Bye.
Janey? Oh! Oh, Janey! What are you dreaming about? That would be telling.
Oh, go on Tell.
(Laughs) Where were you? Can you give me a lift tomorrow, Janey? Of course I will, Lovejoy.
Thank you.
Where to? London.
(Laughs) Scoundrel! No, no, no, no no! I will not forget it! I will not forget this until I have cleared your name.
My name? No, my name.
I will not forget this until I have cleared my name of its stain.
- Eric, it doesn't matter, nobody's bothered.
- You're just taking the Michael now.
(Eric burps) Look, he's coming to get me again, Tink.
No, he's not! He knows my name! Now look what you've done! (Rings bell) - Mr.
Solomon? - Junior.
I'm Lovejoy, this is my friend, Lady Felsham, you're expecting me.
Please come in.
Father, this is Lovejoy, Lady Felsham.
Pleasure.
- Mr.
Solomon - Pleasure.
Would the lady like a glass of tea? No, thank you.
Tell me, madam, are you in the trade? Sort of, I'm an interior decorator.
Oh, oh, perhaps you'd like to talk to my wife.
Yes, OK, if you like.
Just while I speak to Lovejoy.
Jonathan, show the lady through to the kitchen.
You'll like my mother.
Please, please.
Well, what have you got for me? Have a look at these.
Here's the list.
(Tuts) May I ask how you come by this collection? It's a private collector.
This collector has provenance and documentation? He has some history, yeah.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
So, what do you think? Yes, it's It's interesting.
Very.
Interesting is right.
We only moved in four months ago and I have to live with it every day.
You want to know what this does for me? I won't even tell you.
For convenience, it's horrible.
Now, you want to look at these? Yes, you're right, it's not very practical.
Now, what sort of thing do you like? (Speaking Hebrew) Would you excuse us a moment, Mr.
Lovejoy? (Speaks Hebrew) Can you bring it up to London for us to have a look at? Oh, no, no, we drive down.
I must meet this collector.
I must see the packaging.
I want to see it exactly as he has it.
Give my son the address, we drive down today.
I must see the boxes, the dust, everything - very, very important.
Meet me here, four o'clock.
- Mr.
Solomon.
- Mr.
Lovejoy.
Why are you so keen on going all the way up there, Father? Who owns this private collection? How'd you get on? Tell you after I make this phone call.
- It's all right if I stay in the car, is it? - (Laughs) Hello, Wing Commander, it's Lovejoy.
I'm bringing a Mr.
Solomon and his son down this afternoon to look at the collection.
Four o'clock, top experts in Judaica.
Oh, I see, I hadn't Well, I didn't What, this afternoon? That's right.
Well, these Solomons, I don't know them.
Well, you wouldn't, would you? No, no, of course not, but look, can't you take it to them? They want to see it exactly as it is in the pictures.
They also want to ask you questions, which is normal with a collection like this.
Solomon, you say? Is there a problem? No, no, no.
Fine, I'll see you this afternoon, four o'clock.
Hm.
Not exactly overjoyed.
- There's been another robbery.
- Get away.
Bob Truscott, the gardener at Semple Grange told me they'd just been turned over for all their silver, including a beautiful set of silver framed miniatures.
Somebody is doing the district.
Oh, my God, they'll try and stitch me up for it, you just wait.
No, they won't.
You're totally innocent, Eric, now, forget about it.
I can't forget about it, it's my name, - it's my father's name! - I hope so.
I have to clear my name! You don't have to clear your name, Eric.
Everyone round here knows you didn't do it, you couldn't.
She's right, Eric.
Let sleeping dogs die.
That's not right, is it? Eric, no, you take this off, you see, because you put the water in there and it filters through into the cup and it's lovely.
Eurgh! Eric Here's fifty quid, right, go to Abbots and pick up my truck.
Meet me back here in an hour and a half, I've got to see the Solomons, OK? Right.
Abbots, right.
- Abbots.
- Ooh! - Abbots, Abbots.
- Abbots.
(Tinker) He's going to worry himself to death.
- No, he's not.
- Why not? He's too hung over.
Can I help you? How are you? Been looking at the house.
Well, I can see that.
What for? We're in security.
Just wondering how you were fixed.
Oh.
Can't be too careful nowadays.
We deal in alarms, lighting, video surveillance, anything you like.
Worth it for a sound night's sleep.
And that's a fact.
Have you got any samples? Not really, we were just passing.
We could drop back if you're interested.
Well, you got any cards then? Look, we're all out.
- How maddening.
- (Laughs) Maddening, yes.
Well, I'm really into security, so why don't you come up to the house and tell me all about it? Certainly.
Security is peace of mind, security is sleeping sound, security is very tricky.
Is that, you know Who's that? The owner, why? Ah! We're a bit pushed for time, I think.
- Ah! - Definitely.
But, we will definitely pop back sometime.
- Definitely.
- Right.
There are more like this, are there, Wing Commander? Yes, lots, it's a whole collection.
This Lovejoy character, did he say anything about the collection? Did he say who his buyer was? Well, only that his name was Solomon.
Well, I'll tell you what I'll do with you, I'll sell them for you, for a commission.
On the phone you said you might buy them.
Might, yes, but you have no provenance, and seeing that Lovejoy's involved, well, that might put people off.
I think we'll do it my way, shall we? Usually works out for the best.
- Brandy? - Oh, thank you.
(Laughs) Sorry I'm late, Mr.
Solomon.
Small problem with transport.
Bloody Eric! Here we are.
So, you have a nice trip up? (Gasps) Oh, my good Lord! Is the wing commander in? Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.
I think she's going to have a heart attack.
I just do for him.
You can't come in.
We have an appointment.
Oh, dear me.
You've come about the repossession, have you? Repossession? The house.
No, we're not here to repossess anything, we're here to buy.
I'm Lovejoy, I'm selling the wing commander's antiques.
This sale could, um, save the house.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
He had to go out, you see.
If you let me show these gentlemen the antiques, we could make a big sale.
We could make the difference.
Well, you'd better come in.
Mm-hm.
Look at this.
Look, look! see the mark, the little half moon? How do I How do I know this stuff isn't stolen? I'm a dealer, not a fence.
No insult meant, Mr.
Lovejoy.
It's a bit strange to have these rare things surface in a small English village.
Lots of rare things surface in strange places in this business, you know that.
I'm I'm not just a dealer, Lovejoy, I'm a scholar - historian in Hebrew studies.
This Talmud here, published in Warsaw 1789.
The market value is not important - its value is to the Jewish community.
Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Twenty percent? (Laughs) I must say I do feel a little disloyal to Lovejoy.
I understand absolutely how you feel, but you say there was no contract between you and Lovejoy, nothing on paper.
Not a thing, just a vague promise.
How about 22 and a half? Yes, well, old Lovejoy'll be a teeny bit ruffled, I fear.
Just a bit ruffled.
Twenty-five percent.
All right, done, excellent, but I want a quick sale and discreet.
Dad, we'll find out everything when we meet the man.
I bet it's all perfectly kosher.
Kosher, kosher? The man isn't here when he says he'll be here, he has half the Judaica in Poland here in an English country cottage, and we don't have the mistiest idea how he come by it? Lovejoy tells us Connaught's late wife bought it in Leeds.
I haven't heard about such a sale.
Now, what is all this nonsense? This is our history! I have to know where it comes from.
Oh, God forbid, I have thoughts, I have thoughts.
You have my word that this will all be sorted out to your satisfaction, Mr.
Solomon.
I hold you to you word, young man.
Can we talk about a price? - Dad, that's - Exactly the amount I was thinking of.
I just want to return it to where it belongs.
You have my word.
Meanwhile, I'll bring this stuff up to London tomorrow.
I don't suppose there's any chance - of getting the fifty grand in cash, is there? - (Laughs) Lovejoy - where's this name from? Somewhere in the past he was a Lovecovitz, I think.
(Laughs) You've got chutzpah.
You hear him, Jonathan? I like this boy.
(Laughs) Nice little commission, Lovejoy.
It'll keep me in t-shirts until something else comes along, Tink.
What news on the wing commander? He's probably not a wing commander for a start.
The word is he's a chancer who's lived most of his life off women.
Nobody's perfect.
The thing is, is the stuff knocked off? Nobody seems to know.
Am I a moral philosopher? I think not.
Let's keep shtum, cross all extremities.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Hello there, Lovejoy.
Ah, shampoo! Someone leave you an inheritance or something? East Anglia is very big, Charlie, could you find another part of it to occupy? What do you know about Judaica? I don't, it's not my field.
How much would you give for an 18th century Torah pointer? - I haven't the foggiest.
- What's a Torah pointer? It's not a gundog.
(Laughs) Oh, well, I won't keep you.
As the poet said "Every man has business and desires, such as they are.
" Nice to see you in such good form, Lovejoy.
What's the matter, old love? What's he up to? He knows something I don't.
Now, one set of Judaica in East Anglia, that's novel.
Two sets? No, it's out of order.
- Here's your car keys, Lovejoy.
- Better late than never, Eric.
I saw these two blokes at Lady Jane's, right, and I followed Ah, my elusive client.
Where were you this afternoon? I had some business, and you had no right to barge your way in here.
Excuse me, we had an appointment.
Anyway, the Solomons loved the stuff, they don't want to split any of it up.
I can drive it to London tomorrow and be back with 45 grand in the hand - what do you say? Well, the fact is, I've already sold the stuff on.
What do you mean? We had a deal.
No, we had a conversation.
We had a verbal agreement.
That constitutes a deal.
So, sue me.
- Fact is, I've decided to deal with - Gimbert.
Charlie Gimbert.
All right, Charlie! Come out! (Bangs on door) I know you're in there! Charlie! You could give crooked antique dealers a bad name, you know that? Come on! Come on! (Bangs on door) (Engine revs) (Laughs) So, Connaught turned the whole deal over to Charlie Gimbert.
Gimbert! Didn't even know they knew each other! What have they got in common? Gimbert and Connaught, where would they What are you mumbling about, Lovejoy? Stop mumbling, will you.
OK, so Connaught sold it all to Gimbert.
Why? Why? Perhaps he gave him a better deal.
Tinker, excuse me.
No, no, no, something frightened him off.
Have you told the Solomons yet? I've been avoiding that, Janey.
Yes! Undoubtedly.
(Speaks Hebrew) What is? This is Krakow, without a doubt.
Made by the finest goldsmith of the ghetto.
He was called, funnily enough, Golschmitt, because he was a goldsmith.
(Laughs) - Funny that.
- Oy, that's funny.
So, are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
My father repaired gold watches that he made.
OK, it's Golschmitt.
If this all turned up in one go in Leeds in a collection, what would you say? I'd like to know how.
I'd like to know how it got collected from all the houses in Krakow and collected up in Leeds because someone must have done it.
Someone has to have brought it over, all of a piece, together.
And when did they do it? When isn't important.
Who is important.
When gets you who.
You couldn't carry this stuff out in the '30s, the Nazis wouldn't let you.
War time is impossible.
Under 40 years of communism very difficult.
The occupation, after the war.
Then there was chaos and free movement, then you could move things.
Nobody knew what was going on.
A military solution.
(Clock chimes) Lovejoy! Eric! (Laughs) Where have you been? Nowhere.
Unless you twist my arm, I'll buy you a half.
Excuse me.
Are you all right, Eric - have you slipped a disc? - No, I'm fine.
- What are you having, Eric? - No, I've gotta go.
- No, no, no, I have to buy you a drink first.
No, really, I have to go.
Eric, Eric, you're depressed.
Prison does that to you.
I know these things, I've been there.
It's at times like this, it's good to know you needn't be alone.
It's at times like this it's good to have your friends around.
That's right, you've been under a lot of strain, now take it easy.
But they're the blokes, they're the blokes I've been following with the burglar alarm scam.
Look! What, Charlie? No, I've lost them now, haven't I? Give me that Judaica back, Lovejoy, or I go straight to the law! What are you talking about, Charlie? You know what I'm talking about! My Judaica was stolen and I know you did it.
Oh, you do, do you? Yes, I do.
When did this theft occur? You tell me! You committed the crime this afternoon.
I've been here all afternoon, with my friends.
And very pleasant it's been too.
And you think that'll stand up in a court of law, do you, Lovejoy? It will, Charlie.
This bunch of lowlife rats Hey, hey, hey, Charlie, you can be banned for language like that.
Come on, I'll get you that drink, Eric.
Can I have a pint for my friend here? Well, we'll see, Lovejoy.
Ow! Oh! Whoa! Oh, God! Ow! Oh! (Laughs) I found it! I found all the burgled stuff! (Laughs) I found it! You all right with that lot, Tink? (Tinker mumbles) Good, cos otherwise, I'd help you, you know.
Hey, Lovejoy! - Huh? - You're never gonna believe Eric, take it easy, you could burst a blood vessel.
Oh, but I've found it! - Found what? - I've got it, I've got it! - You've got it? You found it? - (Laughs) This is wonderful! What the devil happened to you? Oh, it's a long story, Tink.
In the lonely desert that is human experience, some things lift us above the stones of the earth and the beasts of the field, and today, that something is Eric.
Oh, look at this - it's beautiful.
Love, loyalty and stamina, all rolled into one - that's friendship and that's beautiful too.
When it's combined with a handsome commission, it's even more beautiful.
Eric You're beautiful.
Wouldn't you say? Yeah, Mr.
Solomon, you're never gonna believe this.
(Sirens) What have you got in the boot? Nothing.
Is there a problem, Officer? No problem.
You're nicked.
Mr.
Solomon, Wing Commander Connaught.
Mr.
Connaught.
The elusive Mr.
Connaught, at last.
My son Jonathan, Mr.
Hyphid, Mr.
Holowitz.
So, how did you come by this stuff anyway? I've already told Mr.
Lovejoy.
Don't give me none of this bull's blood.
That stuff came from Krakow.
Many houses are synagogues.
You didn't get it from no Leeds or Manchester.
Come on, what's the half-time score about this, eh? I assure you, the story I told Mr.
Lovejoy Story is right.
More like a fairy story.
So, you were one of the few, eh? RAF boy, eh? Get away with you, you're a black marketeer, fiddling the cigarettes, the cans of beans, Yankee chocolate, anything else you can lay hands on, isn't that right, Flying Officer Schickelgruber, Mr.
Profit On The Misery Of Others? This is an outrage! I agree, an outrage.
That I would use military aircraft for such purposes! Another outrage, I agree.
This whole thing is just one farrago of lies.
I'm getting tired of agreeing with you, but I agree with you.
An impossible fa, fi The lies.
What you said, the lies.
Mr.
Connaught, we've researched your background.
Don't waste words, just bounce him.
I give you my word as an officer of 212 Squadron, that this whole invention of Mr.
Solomon's You are the inventor.
Just bounce him! - Perhaps Mr.
Dill and I can settle this dispute.
- Oh, yes, we can settle the dispute.
Just the truth from this man's lips would do the trick.
Well, I knew Binky Buckingham, alas no longer with us.
He was commanding officer of 212 Squadron.
What's this got to do with the price of bagels? Well, if he can prove he knew Binky Buckingham, commander of 212 Squadron Of course I knew him, everybody knew him! Lovely fella, salt of the earth.
If he were alive today, he'd back me to the hilt.
Pha! - OK, you knew Binky.
- Yes.
- You knew him well? - Yes.
Tell me this - after his crash in '43, did he limp on his right leg or his left? After his prang in '43? Well, I remember that well, but, oh, which leg? Well See, he doesn't even know which leg Binky pranged up.
Of course I don't know, it's bloody years ago now! Poor old Binky.
He was a lovely fella.
Well, it's really rather funny, Binky Buckingham of the glorious 212 Squadron being such an old chum of yours, because we've just invented him.
- There is no blinking Binky Buckingham! - He's a figment of the imagination.
Like your entire RAF career.
No, no, it's not true, I've got the DFC.
Dumkopf First Class.
(Sobs) Buzz off back to the Volvo, there's good boys.
Why don't you go inside and have a nice cup of tea? Are you gonna stand here taking the piss out of a broken down old liar? I'm going to take this stuff and put it in a museum.
No profit for you, no profit for me.
We need to remember, this in truth belongs to those who disappeared.
You were right, of course.
I was a black marketeer.
Pretended to be what I wasn't.
- Can you understand that? - Of course I can understand.
Those days of chaos and confusion after the war made it difficult to know what was right.
What I What I don't understand is why you denied you were a Jew all those years.
How did you know? Well, you know what they say - it takes one to know one.
Fresh.
Oh, thanks, Mrs.
T.
Here he comes.
Oh, dear, he won't be pleased to hear he's lost his commission.
No, he won't! You could do with a commission, Lovejoy.
What's going on? I've come for the collection.
What's the hitch? Oh, there's no hitch, Charlie.
Do you want a cup of tea? I'm ruined, of course, they want to repossess my house.
Yes, I heard that, but you're not on your own in these times.
Look, give me a ring, I'll have a talkabout, maybe I can find somebody to help you out, you never know.
Be careful now.
Wrap them properly, eh, otherwise they'll get scratched.
You've done this, Lovejoy.
I don't know how you've done it, but you've you've done it.
Charlie it really does pay to increase your word power.
Take superfluous, hm? Superfluous, redundant, supernumerary, unnecessary - in other words, your services are no longer needed, Charlie.
You've done this, Lovejoy, haven't you?! Somehow you've got him to hand over the stuff to Solomon.
I'll have you.
I'll have you.
One day soon, circumstances are going to arise and I'm going to make you crawl! Oh, don't you worry, my fine friend, every dog will have his day.
- There's one thing I want to ask you, Janey.
- Don't ask me about kitchens.
Since I started Esther's, I've had three commissions.
Really? Actually, what I wanted to ask you about You can say goodbye to your commission.
Sometimes it's nice to give without thought of reward, Tink.
Is it? Anyway, actually, old Solomon slipped me a token of his esteem.
- Not such a small token.
- I like a little esteem.
I don't know whether I should ask you this, Jane, but where were you? - That's not a question you ask a lady, Tink.
- Isn't it? Well, where were you and who were you with? All right, I suppose I'd better come clean.
Oh, there's Eric, our hero.
(Laughs) Now you'll never know.
Eric.
Really? (Laughs) - Did you hear that? - What? - (Laughs) - Shh!