M*A*S*H (MASH) s04e06 Episode Script

Penny for your thoughts, Frank.
- For God's sake, why? - It looked important.
His forehead's all puckered up.
So are all my inwards.
Radar, I don't remember this road being this terrible.
There's nothing the matter with the road, Pierce.
You're just feeling punk.
[Laughs.]
Me? I'm in fine fettle.
I never felt "fettler.
" You're telling me you're not hung over? Oh, that's what it is! I thought somebody painted a base coat of fuzz on my tongue.
Well, don't think I didn't see how much you drank at the medical conference.
- You were disgusting.
- How about me, Frank? - You weren't so bad.
- Really? I was trying to be disgusting too.
- [Bus Clatters.]
- Holy cow.
! Easy, Radar.
My head's coming off at the dotted line.
Just an excuse for boozing your brains out.
Well, I, for one, discussed medicine.
I heard you.
Accusing a French gynecologist of not taking his work seriously.
- Aha.
- [Clatter.]
We home yet? - Torn-up road, Colonel.
- We're in Con Edison country.
You all right, Radar? I'm fine, sir.
But I think the bus is gonna have kittens.
Where are we? Been wanting to talk to you about that, sir.
Where we are mostly at the moment is lost.
- I think I better pull over.
- Pull over, Radar.
We can't be lost! We are, Frank.
I've been lost before, and this is exactly what it looks like.
- Anybody got a compass? - I got a neat one in San Francisco.
What are you doing? The breeze is coming from that direction.
Thank you.
Now all we have to do is trade the bus for an airplane.
- Colonel.
- Yeah, Radar.
- We may not be lost.
- How so? I think I remember that tree.
Radar, that tree has the same face as every other tree.
- Your marbles are shifting.
- I say we go on.
I say we go back.
Each officer will go a hundred yards in a different direction.
See if we can find any signs of village life or other roads.
- A hundred yards.
No more.
- A hundred yards? - In these woods? - Take one of the enlisted men with you, Major.
[Laughs.]
- See anything, Corporal? - Just the bus, sir.
We know what's there.
It's there we're worried about.
I like that there there a whole lot better, sir.
Corporal, take the point.
- Hey! Why me? - Oh, you present less of a target.
Anyway, they love to pick off officers.
We're the cream of our generation.
I'm sort of the cream of my family, sir.
Besides, I can cover you better from the rear.
Oh, my rear would feel a whole lot safer if you were in front of it, sir! - All right.
Move out, soldier.
Move.
- Oh, boy.
- [Whispers.]
O'Reilly? - Up ahead, sir.
There's something going on behind that tree.
I'm goin' on behind that tree, sir.
Corporal! Would you say we've gone a hundred yards? For my money we have.
Yes, sir.
- Let's go back.
- I'll take the point.
- Any luck? - Just woods and more woods.
I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
- Wearing a red riding hood? - Actually, she was with seven dwarfs.
- She's in the wrong woods.
- Or the wrong story.
- Are you finished, Doctors? - You? Yeah.
[Rustling.]
- Burns? - Uh, sighted nothing, reporting same.
A simple "crapped out" will be sufficient, Major.
- Yes, sir.
- If we don't know where we're goin' we do know where we've been.
My decision is to turn this animal around, head back where we were get new directions, start out all over again.
Mount up, people.
- This your first trip? - Oh, shut your gizzard! - Just a joke, Frank.
- Pierce! Uh Do me a favor.
We're all in this together.
I know you don't like me.
That's an ugly rumor started by someone who heard me say I don't like you.
Well, till we're back safe, no jokes, okay? - Right.
- Thanks.
Now, that's a handshake for you.
Strong and wet.
Wait a minute.
Don't move.
[Engine Cranking.]
I'm hungry.
Lost and hungry.
I remember the act.
They sure served some good chow at the society meeting.
The steaks were great.
- Steaks! Frank, you ate the steaks? - First one I've had in a year.
You realize they served them right after the autopsy.
You said no more jokes.
- Who's joking? - My lamb chop had a wedding ring on it.
- What's wrong, Radar? - I don't know, sir.
She won't start.
- Got plenty of gas? - Got plenty of gas.
I think we might have busted something on that last big bump.
Oh, swell.
We can't go forward, and we can't go back.
It's a sign from heaven.
The war is over.
- Now what? - We burn our uniforms, go home get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
- Hear, hear.
- Let's finish this one first, shall we? [Tapping.]
Well, there's something wrong here, sir.
Sir, there's something really wrong here.
At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
[Chuckles.]
- Fine leadership.
- What would you do? If this unit were still my command, you'd soon find out.
I spent a week with you in command, Frank.
You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Only for inspection.
What are you beating your gums about, Major? Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation uh, gravity-wise speaking.
Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move we've got no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling.
We may be right now in enemy territory an enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures right up to our knuckles followed by boiling egg-drop colonics.
Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major? - Pretty much, sir.
- Thank you.
[Clears Throat.]
Gimme that! You get in the driver's seat.
When I tell you, turn her over.
- Roger? - Roger, wilco, sir.
You know anything about engines, Major? Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
I wouldn't take shop from anyone.
- You planning to fix it or buy it, Frank? - Oh, hardy-har.
This is all getting more than a little uncomfortable.
- Spooky-wise speaking.
- Turn her over.
- [Engine Cranking.]
- [Screams.]
Are you crazy? - I did what you said! - That's the last thing he needs.
- I did what you said! - That's the last thing he needs.
Gimme that, Frank.
I'm against capital punishment.
Well, I've done all I can do.
It's now in the hands of the Almighty.
Speaking for myself, that's not the worst news I've heard today.
- Colonel, look what I found.
- A walkie-talkie! Only thing is, the other one's back at the camp, and it's busted.
Any Allied personnel, this is Major Frank Burns, MASH 4077.
S.
O.
S.
And Mayday.
Come in, any Allied personnel.
Major, there have to be two of those things.
Someone else has to have the other one, and he has to be on your frequency.
- It's no fun alone, Frank.
- What is? Any Allied personnel.
Can you read me? I'll give you my location.
Major, the other end of that gizmo is on the fritz and 20 miles from here! It only carries half a mile when it does work! Any Allied personnel.
Here is my position.
There is a fighter plane approaching and when I say "now," the jet will be directly over my head.
- [Jet Zooming.]
- Now! [Laughing.]
Frank.
That thing's a thousand feet up and going 500 miles an hour.
By the time you said "now," the plane was in its hangar - and the pilot was in his jammies.
- I was just trying to help! Stop trying.
That should help right off.
- Nothing like a little appreciation.
- It's busted.
- Radar.
- Yo? - Try it one more time.
- Yes, sir.
I've been in worse spots.
Ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocketful of change? - [Chuckles.]
- [Engine Cranks, Fails To Start.]
[Radar.]
No soap, sir.
World War I, Argonne Forest.
Lost and hungry then too.
Couldn't find my outfit.
After three days, I was ready to eat my socks.
Nothing to do but wait.
- At least everything turned out all right.
- Right.
I was taken prisoner.
They shaved my head and beat me to a pulp.
I think I'm getting delirious.
I'm just having warm, friendly thoughts about the gourmet leftovers at the 4077 chow line.
Listen, we'll be okay.
- Course we will.
- You betcha.
I'm not scared.
Any Allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position.
Ready? Uh there are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise.
I am directly under the brightest one.
- Over.
- Terrific, Frank.
They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
Shh.
Hey, listen.
What, did you hear something out there? No.
No, I guess not, sir.
- It's probablyjust an animal.
- [Hawkeye.]
Hope it's one of ours.
- Radar's radar's jammed.
- If it wasn't, would we be here? Oh, sure, Pierce.
Blame it all on O'Reilly.
You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
Okay? It's nobody's fault.
You know that.
- I know.
- Of course it isn't.
I know.
Hey, this is no way to throw a party.
How about some stories before we rejoin the ladies? Now you're cookin'.
What kind of stories? The first time love conquered all.
- Ah.
- Colonel Potter? - It was back in World War I.
- In the Argonne Forest.
After Chateau-Thierry, actually.
I took a load of gas that blinded me temporarily.
Spent over a month in a French hospital with my eyes bandaged.
Nurse's name was Colette.
Colette.
The darkness I lived in was relieved only by the sound of her voice touch of her hand.
Then finally the day came for the bandages to come off.
When they undid the last of them, there she was.
Colette.
- And? - I pretended I was still blind.
[Chuckling.]
And that was your first romance? Yeah, but I couldn't have handled it without the bandages.
Radar, you're next.
Huh? Oh, uh Listen.
Would you guys come back to me please? I gotta go to the latrine.
You'll have to take a hammer and nails and build one.
I'll manage.
[B.
J.
.]
No wonder the trees all look familiar to him.
- Frank? - I was just lying here! Come on.
Join the party.
Give us your story.
- [Potter.]
Be a sport for once.
- Well.
Uh, it was, uh, during my sophomore year.
She was a little brunette of Jewish persuasion.
I wonder who persuaded her to be that.
Helen Rappaport.
Smart as a whip.
- They've all got rhythm, you know.
- [Snickering.]
Right! Anyhoo, we were on opposite sides of the class debate.
"Should Father Coughlin be our next president?" She talked very fast and won.
Then, I think to make it up to me, she offered to drive me home.
[Giggling.]
On the way she pulled this old gag about running out of gas.
Never fooled me, boy.
[Sighs.]
She was really warm for my form.
- And did you oblige? - I couldn't.
- Creep.
- I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
- Miss Right? - Orville and Wilbur's sister.
She invented the first airplane stewardess.
I'm referring to the present Mrs.
Burns neither which of us approved of that sort ofhappiness before marriage.
Okay.
Hawk, you're up.
Yeah, in a second.
Radar? Radar! - I'm gonna go look for him.
- [Potter.]
No, sir.
- B.
J.
'll come with me.
- Sure.
- With the two of us, we'll be fine.
- And leave me alone with Burns? He's more boring asleep than awake.
[Muttering.]
He's asleep now.
Probably dreaming about home.
How rich he's gonna get taking out healthy gall bladders.
Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there.
Unacceptable procedure.
Also stupid.
I won't have it.
We can't look for him till it gets light out.
- Easy, Burns! - Put that thing away.
Cochise is gone.
We formed the bus into a circle.
- Is he back yet? - No, not yet.
- No, huh? - "No, huh.
" That's right, huh.
Be a shame if something happened to him.
Burns, go back to sleep.
That's an order.
What did I do? Look, I liked Radar too! You talk about Radar in the past tense one more time and I'm gonna show you how to be a tail gunner! Steady, guys, huh? I think it's agreed we all like him.
Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurses' shower.
- Well, it wasn't me! - Why would I think it was you? Because I know people think that's just the kind of thing I might do.
- Well, why did you do it? - Because I felt it was my duty.
I thought you said you didn't do it.
I thought I did too.
- [Rustling.]
- Shh! [Rustling.]
[Softly.]
There's something out there! - Will you stick that in your holster? - Is it Radar? - I wish I was home.
- I wish you was home too, Frank.
[B.
J.
.]
Hey! [Speaking Korean.]
He's attacking! He wants us to surrender! Either that or he's asking if this bus goes downtown.
- [Korean.]
- Ha.
He's surrendering to us! Good thing for him.
I can plug an ace of hearts at 50 feet.
- I'll remember that if we're attacked by a bridge club.
- Let's go! [Shouting In Korean.]
All right, fella.
All right.
You're okay now.
- He's got a gash in his leg.
- I'll break out the kit.
I wouldn't touch him.
He's probably booby trapped! Could go off in our faces! Burns, don't start going on about going off.
Let's get him inside.
You may be right, Frank.
I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade and disguised it with his own blood.
Boy, are they clever.
How's that? Better? Better.
I been here all this time, I still can't speak the language.
Well, you Americans figure everybody understands English provided you speak it slowly enough.
- Huh? - Right.
- Burns.
- Sir? Didn't I see your picture in the post office? - I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
- That's right.
You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys.
I don't mean Radar.
I'm sure he's alive.
I mean, reasonably sure.
Frank! You keep putting your foot in your mouth, you're gonna end up with athlete's tongue.
Okay, that does it.
Send a bill to the People's Republic.
It's time we got some shuteye.
Who wants to stand guard over the prisoner first? - He does.
- He will.
- I do.
Fine.
If you don't accidentally shoot yourself first I'll relieve you in two hours if you do, I'll relieve you earlier.
That's it.
Let's get some kip.
[Softly.]
One wrong move, and it's curtains.
Get the message, Mr.
Moto? Yeah, I thought so.
You know plenty English.
Okay, friend.
I'm not a talkin' man.
Next time I talk, this talks for me.
No questions asked.
Curtains.
You get the message, pal o' mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice.
One wrong move, and you'll find that out.
I act.
Zing! That's the big kiss-off.
Capisce? I tend to, uh, shoot first and talk later.
Little habit I have.
Which you'll find out fast if you get cute.
We straight on that? Huh? Any Allied personnel.
Any Allied personnel.
I've begun to take prisoners.
Request instructions re prisoners or will be forced to shoot same.
Over and out.
Think you get the picture.
Right, amigo? [Sighs.]
Sir? Sir.
Sir? Holy socks! [Gasps.]
- O'Reilly? - Sir, I didn't mean to wake you! Wake me? You think I was asleep? No.
I was just trying to see what our prisoner'd do.
- I flushed him out of the woods.
- Let me help you with the chocolate.
- That's not chocolate! - Right.
It's not chocolate.
[Potter.]
What's goin'on? Not one word about my sleeping trick.
It's against the Geneva Convention.
- Right, the Geneva Convention.
- It's Corporal O'Reilly, sir.
He's back! - [Everyone.]
Radar? - I'm back.
Hello, sir.
Hell of a time to go AWOL, son.
We kept your bus seat just the way you left it! - Good to see you back! - We were worried about you! - [Everyone Chattering.]
- Oh, my gosh! [Korean.]
- Thank you, I think.
- Thank you.
Fine.
Fine.
Thank you.
You lie down.
- B.
J.
, relieve Major Burns at guard.
- Right.
You come and tell us where you were playin' hooky! [Radar.]
Oh, my gosh.
You'll be sorry.
He's wily.
[Sighs.]
So in the dead of night you decide to go off half-cocked and get help.
Well, gee, sir, since I got us lost and I broke the bus I figured I didn't need your half-cocked permission.
Anyway, the point is that, uh, when I was wandering around there I didn't find no enemy, so I figure we're safe as long as we can get outta here.
Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anybody seen our prisoner? There he is! Sabotage.
! He's tinkering with our parts.
! - Get away from there! Gimme that! - Easy, Frank! Easy! - He's wounded, remember? - Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China! By fixing a bus? Careful, that could be loaded.
All right! All right! That settles it.
We've finally run out of food, water and brains.
We gotta get outta here, which means walking.
So, we walk.
[Engine Starts.]
[Korean.]
- [B.
J.
.]
Wish I knew how to say thanks.
- Holy cow! [Potter.]
We're mighty grateful for this, old man.
- [Frank.]
Get outta my seat, Pierce.
- Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Nick of time.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.
May the 1 st Cavalry forgive me.
I think in the future we should always stash something to eat on this bus.
- Make a note of that, Radar.
- Yes, sir.
Like one of us could just fill a ditty bag full of chocolate bars and stuff.
'Cause when you're really hungry you could fall asleep when you're not supposed to.
- Right, Major? - He-e-ey! Wait a minute! I just remembered.
Now, maybe maybe Wait.
Oh! Ha! Lookee here! What luck, huh? Colonel? And, uh, Corporal? You guys? - Thanks, Frank.
- Thank you, Frank.
- And, uh, this is mine.
- [Hawkeye.]
Home, Radar.
Hey.
Look.
[Whispers.]
No.
[Korean.]
- Sir! - [Yelps.]
I think I've got the enemy.
- I can hear their secrets! - But you don't understand the language.
If you people had any brains, you'd give up.
You hear me? [Korean.]
No one ever beat Uncle Sam! We've never lost a war! - Major - We never have, and we never will! So you put that in your opium pipe and smoke it! [Laughing.]
- That's tellin' 'em, Major.
- Yeah.