Melissa & Joey s04e06 Episode Script

Oh! Sorry! The town hall meeting ran late.
We had to vote six times on whether or not some old lady could prune her shrubbery to look like Aphrodite and Adonis hitting it doggy style.
How'd the vote go? Well, let's just say the school district is gonna have to reroute their buses.
But the important thing is I'm here for us all to video chat with Ryder and wish him a happy eighteenth birthday! - Would you like me to, um - Yes! Activate! Computer! Go! Well, if you're gonna charm me Where's Dani? We all wrote the birthday song together, we all have to sing it to him.
I'll invite her.
Yo, Dani! What? In my family, that's a formal invitation.
If this is about the math test, I have a totally legitimate explanation.
- What math test? - Exactly.
What math test? Dani oh! It's connecting.
We got Ryder in New Orleans.
Hey, guys! Hey! Uh what's hap Oh, "call failed.
" That's a relief.
I thought Ryder had a stroke.
Joe, make the Internet work! Okay, calm down, Mel.
Video chats never go through the first time.
- Or the ninth time.
- Tenth, but who's counting? Sync & Corrections by Darcade You know, when you watch 24, there's never a glitch with their video calls.
Maybe it's because they have that awesome pretend Internet.
I actually think I figured out a way that we can reach Ryder, though.
- Oh.
Good, what do I do? - We're gonna call him.
On the phone.
But then I won't be able to see him and witness that moment when he transitions from boy to man.
Yeah, honey, I think that's already happened, and luckily we weren't there to witness that.
Look, I know it's a big deal to you.
It's his birthday, but we can just call him on the phone.
That's just as good as a video call.
You're right.
A phone call is fine.
I'm sorry.
Give me a kiss, you big stud.
- Mm - Or maybe I'll just wave.
And maybe instead of sex, we can just high five.
Honey, honey.
Look, I know how much this means to you.
But we tried.
I tried Skype.
I tried FaceTime.
I don't know what else to do.
You know what? Okay.
Maybe it's the router.
You know what? I'll unplug it, we can reset it.
We'll see what happens.
It should take, like, three minutes.
Three minutes? That's forever.
What are we gonna do for three minutes? We could hard boil an egg, or, uh You know, we could have some sex.
Is it just me, or since marriage has your game gone way downhill? Lennox, can I get a little advice? Wait, you're asking me for advice? You grew up on the road with rock bands.
I thought you knew everything.
I know what Gene Simmons looks like in Spanx, but I don't know anything about boys under 60.
Okay, that's an image I don't need, but I'm all ears.
Well, I texted this boy, about, you know, hanging out, and he hasn't text me back.
So when I text him again, what should I say? Don't say anything, because you don't want to look like a desperate freak, and there's no recovering from the double text.
- How do you know? - It happened to me.
It was a long time ago.
It was a flip phone.
A what? Can we plug it in now? No, it's only been two minutes and 17 seconds.
Okay? The barometric pressure is 29.
9.
Oh, and it's almost lunchtime in Jakarta.
I love my watch.
Guess what? Dani just came to me for advice, and I gave it to her.
Ah! Now I know the satisfaction you feel when you give me advice.
Oh, honey, I don't give you advice for the feeling of satisfaction.
I give it to you for the feeling of superiority.
No, you know, it's just for the first time I feel like I know what it means to have a little sister.
Oh! This is so wonderful! I have mentored you into becoming a mentor! Wow.
How did you manage to make this about you so quickly? Someday, I'll teach you.
- How about now? - This is not a toaster, honey.
All right? This is a precision piece of electronic equipment.
Okay.
All right, ready? Six, five, four, three Close enough.
Oh! Okay.
Here we go.
And the Internet is back to full Trickle.
What? I don't get it! Well, you did everything you could.
I mean, no one could have done any more.
Except maybe a professional, which is why I think it wouldn't be a bad thing right now to call Jiffy Nerds.
The guys in the orange smart cars? They're professional nerds, any car they get in is gonna be smart.
I can fix this myself, Mel.
Joe, darling, tender Joe, I love you.
And even if you can't fix everything in the house, I will still love you.
That is the cruelest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh, hey, you guys, I just text Ryder.
And he's going out with his friends later, but he's home right now.
So we can just text him "Happy Birthday.
" Lennox, do not go there.
Text him "Happy Birthday"? Too late.
Why don't we just get some candles and stick them in some dog poo? 'Cause that's the same thing as cake, right? Hey, Ryder will eat almost anything.
Okay, we are not doing this by phone, or by text.
We're gonna be talking to our loved one on the big computer screen, all of us, face to virtual face! Any questions? The answer is "no.
" I think I found out what the problem is.
Ha! I just need to update our operating system.
How long will that take? Faster than a nerd can get here in a smart car, baby.
There we go.
All right, download will be complete in Five minutes.
You're welcome.
Oh.
Three minutes.
Yeah.
I'm awesome.
Twelve minutes.
Um two hours.
- 300 hours? - How is it going up? Joe, do something! I'm trying! Abort, abort! Interrupt script! Hold on! Wait a minute! Oh! Hey! I got it.
Okay.
I just stopped the download! Well, congratulations, Jack Bauer.
And this helps us how? How? Because now we definitely know it's the router, honey.
And if there's one thing I know about routers, it's Routers.
Trust me.
Of course I trust you.
Hello, Jiffy Nerds? I need you right now.
My name is You already know my name? And my address? Wow, you guys are good.
Wow.
Looks like somebody threw a teeny-tiny hand grenade at your router.
Yeah, well, you know, dust can really foul up fragile equipment like this.
So, uh, I should have us up and running very soon.
That is one thing I'm sure of.
Because of what you're doing here.
I'm so lucky to have you.
You know, a man is nothing without a good woman right by his side.
Oh, and that's where I am.
Right here by your side.
Gotta go! You called.
We heard.
Your problem will be cured.
I'm a Jiffy Nerd.
Oh, good, you're here.
Thank you for coming around the back.
No prob.
We're trying to make a video call and it's not working and my husband thinks he can fix it himself.
Oh, we get that all the time.
In fact, most of our business is husbands fixing things.
Has it been thrown against a wall in frustration yet? My husband or the computer? They're both fine.
For now.
- Uh, where's the computer? - In the living room.
- Okay.
- Whoa! Where do you think you're going? I find it helps if I'm in the same room as the machine.
I just want to video chat with my nephew.
Today is his eighteenth birthday.
At least for another 23 minutes.
And you want to be able to talk to him on his actual birthday.
Thank you! We had a connection for a second, but then the screen froze.
- What did it look like? - Like this.
No, I mean was the image pixelated? Was it just black? I should really see what's on the display.
No problem.
I'll be right back.
Ma'am? It's cold out here.
What? You must be anemic, it's like a sauna out here.
Just warm yourself on the dryer exhaust.
Look at you, fixing a computer.
Can I get a picture? Of me fixing the computer? Well, in the old days a man would be raising a barn or killing a bear.
These are the moments women cherish.
Knock yourself out, babe.
What are you You wanna take You know, you don't have to be in every picture you take.
Honey.
Here you go, everything you need.
- Fix it.
- It's a photo of you.
- There's a computer there, too.
- I can't do anything with this.
Should I even ask if I can scan the computer for viruses? Press control, F7 and that will run the built-in antivirus scan.
I'm all over it.
Mel, check it out.
I hard-wired the router.
So we should have a perfect signal.
- You fixed it? - Well, yeah.
But I'll know for sure as soon as I'm done reinstalling video chat.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, in the meantime how about I just reach in here - and press control, F7.
- Wait, wait! Control, F7? What are you insinuating? That my computer has a virus? Of course not! I keep my computer clean, Mel.
I gotta tell you something, I'm shocked, and a little hurt.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Back, back, back, back off! All right, look.
You either trust me on this or you don't trust me on this.
Well, if those are my only two options, then I trust you.
I was hoping the memory of heat would warm me.
He wouldn't let me touch the computer.
What do you usually do next? Come inside.
- Hey, Dani.
- Hm? You know, until you came along, the closest I got to having a little sister was when Ryder went through his brony phase.
So I wanted to say that I think it's pretty cool that you came to me for some "big sister to little sister" advice.
Yemm And I think it was pretty good advice.
You know, about not texting that boy.
Mm-hm.
Wait, are you texting that boy? - I said no double texting! - No! - No, give me the phone! - No! - Let - Ladies! Take your pillow fight upstairs! I have a ticking clock here! - Get - Oh! "Joshnibbling.
" I knew it! You know what? I'm keeping this until your crazy texting urge passes.
Okay, you're right.
If it makes you feel any better I didn't even hit "send.
" So can I please have my phone back? I swear to you I will not text him.
Little sister to big sister? Oh, "little sister to big sister.
" I like that.
Your social life will thank me.
And "send.
" You swore! How else was I supposed to get my phone back? Okay, you know what? The next time you want to ask me for advice, here's some advice.
Don't.
I thought about what you said, honest.
I just don't think it applies to kids from my generation.
It's fine for older folks like you.
I'm 20! Uh, yeah? I've never been called old before.
Oh, now I know how aunt Mel feels.
It's Josh! "Sorry, I meant to get back to you sooner.
Thanks for reminding me.
See you at the party.
" Lennox, your advice was useful.
Sometimes a person needs to hear the wrong thing in order to know the right thing.
Yeah, I guess that's what older sisters are for.
Yes! Yep! I'm a hero! Dani, get over here! Look at this! I reinstalled the O.
S.
, updated the video chat software, and now we don't have to worry about the wifi anymore because I just hard-wired the computer to the router.
Huh? Awesome.
- Oh, boy! Can I go now? - Yes.
Yes, you can, honey.
To the kitchen.
All right? Go tell Mel and Lennox we are seconds away from connecting with Ryder and wishing him a glitch-free virtual Happy Birthday.
Oh! No! Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Curse these wild coltish legs! Please don't be mad! Mad, me? Since I'm sort of responsible for this You know, honey, I don't think you're using "sort of" the right way.
I can make it right.
Come on.
- Where are we going? - Upstairs.
- What's upstairs? - Neighbor's wifi.
The neigh what? Okay, all we need to do is make a periscope out of paper towel rolls and mirrors.
Then you can peek at my husband's computer through the window.
Come on, you're a nerd, it'll be easy.
I need to be at the computer, touching it.
Can't I go inside? No, no, no! My husband doesn't know I called you.
Can't you do something without having the actual computer? Well, I guess I could check if the trouble is on the other end.
Yes! On the other end! Now you're thinking like a nerd! Oh! Well, here you go.
Here's your trouble.
You have no wifi signal.
I'll get my hotspot out of the Jiffymobile.
Be right back.
Go, 14 minutes! Run, you glorious nerd, run! Yes! Four bars.
Thank you, Mr.
and Mrs.
Buchwald.
I'll just enter their password.
What?! They changed it! Doesn't anyone trust their neighbors anymore? - What was the old password? - Mr.
Cutie Pie.
You know, I hate that cat.
Hey, they have kids.
- What about their names? - Oh, okay.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Um The, uh chubby one.
Uh, "food in the hair.
" And, uh, "the one who's always got his hands in his pants.
" Is that all caps or all lowercase? I'm doing my best here! Getting a connection with your nephew.
Okay.
Remember, this is just a test.
No birthday stuff, no singing.
In fact, you know what? Ryder shouldn't see me at all.
He'll feel bad if it's not all of us together.
Hey, it's Ryder.
Do I know you? Jiffy Nerd.
Just testing the connection.
Yeah.
Hey, weren't you the game master at that laser tag place? Hey, yeah, I know you.
You were the guy that used to come in all the time with the really hot mom.
- Yeah, man! Good to see you.
- Aunt Mel! I've outlived my usefulness.
Oh, you poor thing.
Tell me everything.
Somewhere else.
Okay.
I'm all ears.
Talk.
Quickly.
Okay, well, I thought I was being a big sister to Dani by giving her what I humbly would consider great advice, but then she just goes and does the opposite.
Oh, sweetie.
Quicker.
Well, she considers me a relic.
You know, at 20 years old I have nothing more to offer.
Oh, I'm like one of those old ladies that used to come to our school and talk about smoking.
Oh, there, there.
Better? Seriously? That's all I get? "There, there"? Sometimes that's enough.
Okay? Now I think you should go to your room and think about this.
Yeah, "there, there.
" Oh! You'll see.
It's like a time-release thing.
Okay? Go.
Why would you give up a job where you can play endless free laser tag? I wanted to do something meaningful.
I volunteered for AmeriCorps.
No, seriously, I just followed a hot girl.
Hey, I'm not paying you a hundred dollars to gab! Hang up! Uh, gotta go, dude.
Great catching up.
Later.
Thanks for calling me on my birthday.
You were the only one.
Okay, it's not your wifi.
So then that means It means, I swear, if you just let me hold the broken computer, I can fix it in five minutes.
Okay.
I just have to distract my husband.
Um ooh, I'll just take him upstairs for a quickie.
Okay with you? Actually, you're grossing me out, but anything to get inside.
Okay, come on.
Okay, so Mr.
Buchwald is a sports nut, so if it's not "Go Bengals" or "Go Indians," then it's gotta be, um Ooh! "Go Cavaliers.
" We're in! - Was I right? - Oh, I wasn't listening.
I had my own idea.
Guess what the Buchwald's wifi password is.
- What? - "Buchwaldwifi.
" So, daughter, we did it! Actually, I did it.
You know, honey, just a little life lesson here: When you have a victory, it's nice to spread the joy around.
Especially with the person who pays your allowance.
- Got it.
- Got it.
Okay.
And with five minutes to spare, I'm gonna go tell Mel and Lennox we're gonna make that birthday call.
Okay, look, while I am upstairs working my magic on my husband, you need to be downstairs working your magic on the computer.
But, you know, not the same kind of magic.
Wouldn't it be easier if you just used my computer to make the call? My husband cannot know you're here! Who the hell is this? Uh Joe, I I can't keep this a secret any longer! This is my lover! Your lover, huh? Who conveniently just happens to fix computers? Well, uh, I got sick of the muscle-y, hunky type, and decided to change it up.
- You know, try me some scrawny.
- Hey! Fine, I called a Jiffy Nerd.
Flash, Joe.
Joe, Flash.
I've been in the middle of this argument too many times.
My therapist says it's why I can never love.
So if you'll excuse me Your bill is in your inbox.
I told you I was gonna fix the Internet, and I fixed the Internet.
What happened to the honesty here? There's no time for honesty.
We only have four minutes till we have to call Ryder.
So it's okay to lie behind my back as long as Ryder gets his birthday call before midnight? See? I knew you'd understand.
Hey, are we calling Ryder or not? No, I don't really feel like singing.
You guys go ahead.
What? No! We all have to sing or it doesn't count! Mel, why why is this so important to you? Do you want Ryder to be hurt and upset about this for years and years to come, until he's a grown woman? Okay, I think we're onto something here.
Nobody move.
My whole life my father was never there for my birthday.
You know, it just felt like that day just wasn't important to him.
But for my sixteenth birthday he swore he would be there.
So we had a big party, and he didn't show up.
And I was standing there in a room full of my friends in my beautiful pink strapless dress with tears and mascara streaming down my face, and I just don't want that to happen to Ryder! Believe me, I don't want that to happen Ryder either.
All right, we're singing Happy Birthday to the boy.
To the neighbors' wifi! Come on.
It's two minutes to midnight! - Dial it! - No, wait, wait! We haven't rehearsed the special birthday song since yesterday.
- Come on, one practice round.
- Lennox, what's better, singing the verses together or dividing it up? Oh, suddenly you want grandma's advice? Let me tell you something, Missy: Back in my day, we all sang together.
- All right.
Ready? - Okay.
Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday, Ryder we're sending you a lot of love that you can keep inside ya - Joe! - And Dani! - Len! - And Mel! All hope your birthday's really swell and whether our song is short or whether it is long-o we know that on your special day you really can't go wrong-o Wait, wait, wait! Maybe we should add some dance moves.
You know, like a little Single Ladies stuff.
- Mel! - Okay, okay, okay.
All right, let's go.
Okay.
Here we go! - Hey! Happy Birthday, Ryder! - Hey! Hey! We wrote you a special birthday song.
Ready? Hold on, I'm about to go to a midnight screening.
So can you guys just, like, email it to me or something? No, no, no! This is very important to you! Call me tomorrow.
Just not early.
- Well, that was underwhelming.
- Yeah.
Well, even though we didn't get to sing Happy Birthday to Ryder, I I still think we can take away something kind of cool from this whole experience.
That was an amazing Internet connection.
Did you see how clear that was? Come on! Huh? That was all me.
- All you? - Isn't your allowance coming up? - No, it was all you.
- Hm So your dad missed your sixteenth birthday and he never made it up to you? Not even a word of apology? Not a peep.
Harsh.
Tell me about it.
I mean he tried to make it up to me by buying me a white Rabbit, but I was like, "too little too late", you know? Aw, I would have forgotten my dad if he bought me a cute little bunny.
Oh no, a Rabbit Convertible.
You know, two door.
Stick shift.
Leather seats.
The works.
He gave you a car? Yeah, but a car's not the same as love.
Yeah! You can't drive love to Coachella! Joe, you know what I'm talking about.
It's what's from the heart that's important.
He gave you a car.
Oh, forget it!