My Family (2000) s04e06 Episode Script

- I can't get comfortable.
- It's probably the mattress.
It's not the mattress.
It's me.
I've got all these aches and pains I never had before.
I'm waking up earlier in the mornings.
And I'm developing a taste for Battenburg cake.
- You're not old.
- I didn't say I was getting old.
It's just I'm going to be a grandmother.
How do you think I feel? I'm going to be married to one.
Don't you ever get the feeling that you're past it? - Eh? - That your powers are failing.
There's nothing wrong with my powers, darling.
Ben, sometimes I wish we could both feel the same thing at the same time.
Here's something we can feel together.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Sir? Do you need any help? I hardly think so.
(Door slams) I have an announcement to make.
I'm giving up dentistry.
Don't you want to know the reason I'm about to give up my career? Isn't it the usual one? You have to see patients.
That's why you gave up dentistry Tuesday.
And Thursday.
And last Wednesday.
No, Susan, today I had the patient to outpatient all patients.
He wanted me to take out all his teeth.
- If he was in pain - No, Susan.
Not only did he want me to take them all out, he wanted me to put them all back again, but in a different order.
He said his incisors felt they'd be happier at the back and his molars were canines crying to get out.
So what do you think? - Oh.
- It's for Janey's baby.
It's I'm sure it'll love it when it's born, whatever it is.
I know.
It started out as a jumper, but then evolved into a scarf, but now I think it's either a baby bonnet, or an oven glove.
- What do you think? - I don't think you want to know.
- What's for dinner? - Siberian takeaway.
Good.
Frozen food again.
You're home late.
The kids are out.
Deal with it.
Oops.
Time for my nightly chat with Janey.
You only spoke to her this morning.
That was my daily chat.
She hasn't got long to go now.
A daughter needs a mother at a time like this.
That's why she's having the baby 200 miles away.
Get the hint.
Hi, darling.
Yes, me again.
I don't call you 50 times a day.
The reason I wouldn't want my mother calling me is because she's annoying and I'm not.
No, you're wrong.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yes, but, Janey, in birth terms, three weeks to go means any time now.
The reason why I sound like I know it all is because I do.
It's a gift from God and if I didn't use it "Ow"? What do you mean, "ow"? Janey? Janey? She hung up on me.
- Count your blessings.
- She must be in labour.
You can tell that over the phone, can you? Are you a psychic midwife? She's not answering.
If not answering you was a sign of going into labour, when's Michael's baby due? But she said, "ow", Ben.
"Ow".
I hear 50 "ows" a day.
Very few of them are labour pains.
It wasn't an, "I'm at a crap dentist" sort of "ow".
It was a labour sort of "ow".
- That's it.
We're going to Manchester.
- But, Susan, look Calm down, will you? Janey is not going into labour.
Janey is a drama queen.
She goes, "ow" over a split end.
Even if she were going into labour, she said she wants to go it alone.
- No, she didn't want the father involved.
- Good.
That rules me out.
No, the baby's father, whoever he is.
Come on.
Oh, should I take the baby bonnet? - No, leave it.
I'll lag the pipes with it.
- You're coming, too.
No.
You said her friends were going to rally round when the time came.
They were, but they're at a Travis concert.
Come on.
I'll start the car.
You get my old beanbag from the cellar.
- (Microwave bell) - Ah! (Susan) Beanbag! Susan, please, you're doing 50.
I need to.
Oh, I think you just clipped that old woman.
No.
It's OK.
She's struggling back to her feet again.
- Stop it, this is no time for flippancy.
- It's not flippancy.
It's terror.
Slow down.
Go any faster and I'll be giving birth.
Keep trying Janey.
Why isn't she answering? Perhaps she's a little busy at the moment.
I've got a great idea.
Why don't you drop me off here and I'll ring her from home? Nice try.
Forget it.
That's right.
Plan A, work out the best thing to do.
Plan B, do what she says instead.
- Ben, we are in this together.
- You don't need me.
I'll be a spare part.
Remember how I was at our own kids' births? Virtually no help at all.
You were a lot of help, if I remember, with all three.
(Screaming) You're right.
You were no help at all.
I didn't say, "no help".
I said, "virtually no help".
- I wasn't that bad.
- You weren't bad.
You were useless.
- I was a tower of strength.
- You were a pillar of jelly.
- Wait a minute.
I looked after you.
- When? I tried to stop you going to the disco the night Nick was born.
Ben, hurry up, we'll be late! Do you really think you're up to it, in your condition? I'm not in a condition.
I'm in the mood to dance.
Do the bump Do the bump, do the bump, do the bump What? It wasn't me who wanted to go to the disco.
Well, it must have been.
I hated disco.
No, I was a rock and jazz man.
Except just before Nick was born, you put that stupid suit on.
You were determined to wear it.
Come on.
How do I look? Fabulous.
Now, take it off.
- What? - There's a good Play For Today on.
No way.
Come on.
I want to strut my stuff.
This lot cost me 30 quid.
Why don't you wear it to your dental convention in Huddersfield? Remember what Marina said, from the natural birth class.
Come on.
You've got to keep supple, girl.
She meant do the lotus position, not go out bopping.
This could be our last chance before the sprog grows up and leaves home.
This could be our last night of freedom.
But I want to be free to watch the telly.
Come on, babe.
Come on.
Ooh! It's going to be fun.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Wahey! Fig roll.
- Oh, I need the iron.
(# Disco) I thought you knew how to disco.
Look, I've just got the suit.
If this is my last night of freedom, we might as well make the most of it.
Oh-ho! That's so funky.
- Ah! - Oh! - Ah! - Ooh! - Aah! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Ooh! Ooh! - Will you shut up? - I'm in labour.
- Ooh! Oh, God.
- Susan? - What? Think we've got time for a sandwich? I haven't eaten.
I understand.
It's OK.
I think there's some Tic Tacs in that side pocket.
Would you get them for me? I'm busy.
Touchy.
Oh! - Aow.
- Oh! - Oh! - Oh, you - Will you stop imitating me? - I'm not.
I've got my medallion stuck in my chest hair.
- Well, pull it out.
- That'll hurt more.
Oh, boo-bloody-hoo for you.
It's all right.
I know.
I'll put on that tape of relaxation music.
(# The Stranglers: Peaches) Marina said music will distract us from our pain.
My pain.
Yes, yours, too.
Lap me up Why don't you come on and lap me up "Lap me up? Why don't you come and lap me up?" - Turn it off.
- It's romantic.
Romantic? Romantic? You really think you're going to get it tonight? Marina said you're supposed to get this annoying when you're about to push.
"Marina said, Marina said" (Turns music off) What does Marina bloody say about that? Marina is bloody speechless.
(Moans) No, no, still no answer.
This could be another one of your wild goose chases.
She's probably watching Travis at this very moment.
What a dreadful thought.
I quite like Why Does It Always Rain On Me? You might be driving all this way for nothing.
You are so right yet again.
Plan C, let's turn back.
No, we can't take that chance.
Keep trying her.
Susan, Susan, slow down.
There's a Little Chef and and he's a lot littler now.
You were wrong to do that.
All you can think about is food.
I meant The Stranglers tape you threw out.
We never replaced it.
We replaced it with Nick.
Look, Happy Eater, 15 miles.
And Birmingham 48.
It's not worth stopping.
We're practically in Manchester.
Just for a sandwich, please.
I haven't eaten.
If the baby's on the way, it won't wait for us.
They have their own schedule.
Remember? Come on, Susan! Push! Push, Susan! Push! It's no good, babe, we're out of petrol.
You didn't fill up.
I didn't know Janey was going to give birth tonight.
You never plan ahead.
I should have kept a full tank for nine months? How about a little push? If it's out of petrol, pushing won't help.
It'll help cheer me up.
I can't believe you made me get out and push a car in my condition.
You had all that weight.
Pushing for two.
You've always been heartless.
Do the AA come equipped with emergency sandwiches? You haven't changed a bit.
That's all you could think about the night Nick was born.
Your stomach.
It should have been mine.
Nice bloke, that cabbie.
He wasn't.
You had to bribe him because he didn't want me to give birth in his cab.
Well, he had a point.
You know, new seat covers.
It's amazing any women reach hospital to give birth with men like you around, fussing over their car seats.
You'd prefer us to drop our babies in some ditch by the side of the A12.
- Ben? - What? - Ben, Ben, Ben? - What, what, what? - Turn around.
I want to go home.
- What? Turn me around.
We'll come back in a few years.
- Susan - No, no, the pains have stopped.
Maybe I'm not pregnant after all.
- It was just a very large meal.
- Susan, hey, hey.
Don't be silly.
Come on.
This is the moment you've we've been waiting for.
We're about to be parents.
But I'm not ready, Ben.
It's too soon.
I'm too young to be a mother.
What about the Galapagos Islands? - What about them? - I'll never visit them now.
Never see the giant tortoises.
- My life's over.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
Susan, hey, hey, hey.
Look, this is a new beginning.
We'll be modern parents.
You'll have the baby strapped to your back and go to your Galapagos while I stay at home changing nappies.
Come on.
Come on.
Up you come.
Wait a minute.
How can you be at home changing nappies, while I've got the baby on the Galapagos? - Hmm.
- Oh, I see.
You want two.
Well, let's see how one goes first.
- Promise me, we'll only have the one.
- Susan.
- Promise, promise.
- One little baby.
Hey, how hard can that be? Mmm? You've seen how small they are.
And how big we are.
Massive.
- Do you think we'll cope OK? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Be a doddle.
Yup.
Even stupid people can bring up kids.
Look at our parents.
We won't make the same mistakes our parents did.
No.
No.
No, we'll make different ones.
Even then our kids will survive.
In the cold, cruel urban sprawl.
We'll move to the country, on the money I'm going to earn.
They say dentistry is the new rock and roll.
I'll be the Roger Daltrey of oral hygiene.
I like the sound of the country.
We could have an acre of land.
I could play my cello.
Without disturbing Yes, you could play your cello.
- I could start a colony of potters.
- I could build a workshop myself.
- And live in an old rambling vicarage.
- Bought from an old rambling vicar.
- You still make me laugh, even now.
- Good.
Come on.
Does this mean you're going to have the baby? I might give it a try.
But I reserve my right to back out.
L8.
79 for petrol.
You shouldn't have punched the vending machine.
- It was broken.
- Now it is.
- What is it? - Coronation chicken.
With shards of glass.
It's like eating at home.
I wish she'd answer.
How can you think about food at a time like this? It's a displacement worry.
I'm transferring my anxiety about Janey onto the food.
- It's normal.
- It's cobblers, that's what it is.
I suppose I could eat around the glass.
(Mobile phone) Janey.
In that case, it's safe to pop out and get something to eat.
For you? No, stay here with me and worry.
Why has everything stopped? Maybe the little sod's working to his own schedule.
- He's got a mind of his own.
- Well, at least he's got a mind.
- That's a start.
- What kind of mind, though? Maybe he, or she, will go to Oxford or Cambridge and study law.
No, nuclear physics.
Yeah, I've always fancied a kid of mine winning a Nobel Prize or two.
What does a Nobel Prize look like? Prime minister's not a bad job.
Keep him out the house.
Yes, he'll be out of the house before we know it.
- In the blink of an eye.
- Hang on.
A minute ago, you didn't want this kid.
Now you're weeping cos he'll be leaving home in 18 years' time.
So, I'm hormonal.
These days, I get weepy over Hovis ads.
Star Trek.
That's true.
I suppose it doesn't matter about our child having a brilliant career.
As long as they're a really good person.
- You know, I was just thinking that.
- Were you? - Yup.
- We're so alike.
- I know.
- It's scary.
- I was going to say that.
- Were you? Do you know what I'm thinking now? Oh, go and look for some food, Ben.
You're at St Margaret's.
No, dear, I'm not driving up to Manchester.
Your father is.
Don't worry, Janey.
You've got me as your birth partner.
I'll start on the phone, but when we arrive, I'll be able to roll up my sleeves Janey? Janey? We must be in an area with bad reception.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Or what's being received badly is the news that you're coming.
Bloody machine.
Oh, no, no, no, that never works, mate.
Never.
What you've got to do is learn to relax.
Hang loose.
I can't.
My wife's about to give birth.
Yeah, yeah, mine, too.
Ben Harper, by the way.
Dentist.
Alex Mitchell.
Shadow of a man.
Take it from me as a health professional, birth, it's a natural process.
It's like pulling teeth.
Nothing to worry about.
It's exciting.
- I see.
It must be your first.
- Yeah, yeah, you too? Third.
I'd say going for a third was the biggest mistake of my life.
The first two are such complete monsters.
I'm trying to think of it as an adventurous journey into an unknown land.
More like being exiled to some godforsaken banana republic and having your passport ripped up.
So any little nuggets of advice for a first-time dad, then? Yeah, there's the exit.
Run and don't look back.
(Tannoy) Ben Harper, please return to delivery suite 3.
Oh, yes.
It's happening.
Yes.
Well, it's your choice, mate, freedom or slavery? Well, slavery it is, then.
- See you in hell.
- Nice talking to you, too.
Susan, it's all right.
I'm coming.
I'm here.
It's OK.
Come on.
Let it come.
Let it come.
What? - I thought the baby was coming.
- Not yet, it's stopped.
What? I ran all the way.
You had me paged.
Yes, because we haven't chosen a name yet.
Is that it? This is not a good time.
When do you suggest? When our child is 28? I'm too weak from hunger to think.
Good, your resistance will be low.
- Peter? - Where? Peter, oh, no.
No, I knew a Peter at school.
He smelt of instant custard.
- Adam? - No.
He stole my marbles.
How about Robin, or Mark? No.
They used to gang up on me.
Erm David, then? No, Mark's middle name.
- Steven? - No, I lent a Steven a rubber glove once.
Never got it back either.
Oh, for God's sakes.
- You shouldn't be lying there like that.
- I'm fine.
As long as they don't decide to do an internal.
- Pegasus? - No.
- Thwackum? - No.
That's it.
We're naming the baby after the next person that comes into this room.
- That's insane.
- You're not eating till we pick a name.
But inspired.
Good evening.
I'm the chief obstetrician.
- What's your name? - My name? Bum-Face.
- It's a nickname.
- That's it.
- Bum-Face? - Nick.
Let's eat.
Oi, Tony Manero, don't touch that.
I'm a health professional and I need this food.
I'm sorry, that meal belongs to Mr Clark.
Well, where is Mr Clark? In the mortuary.
He just died.
Well, he won't be needing it, then, will he? So, Mr Clark, do you know him? Up until half an hour ago, yes.
Did he die before or after eating this food? If only we knew.
Ben Harper, please return to delivery suite 3.
Mr Harper to delivery suite 3, please.
You shouldn't throw beanbags out the window.
- They're short-staffed in casualty.
- It was no help.
- Your husband will be right along.
- (Screams) You don't mind some observers, Mrs Harper.
They're a class of first years.
I don't care if they're photographers from Jugs And Bums magazine, just get this thing moving along.
I'll be in later when things start warming up.
Warming up? They're at boiling point! Come back, Bum-Face! Oh! Susan, just breathe.
Breathe.
I am bloody breathing.
Haven't you ever seen anyone breathe before? Don't just stand there watching.
Do something.
Hoi! You! Come back! Join in! Lend a hand! Somebody, get this thing out of me! - Susan, Susan.
- I'm in here somewhere.
- Let me through, health professional.
- Ben! - Out the way, I booked weeks ago.
- Come closer, Ben.
- Yes, darling.
- You did this to me! You asked me to.
Begged me, as I recall.
Never do what I ask again! - Oh! I want an epidural.
- No, no.
You want your beanbag.
Why don't you jump out the window and get it? - More gas.
- Please, give her gas.
No gas, Susan, you're about to have your baby.
I don't want a baby.
I want drugs! It was absolute hell.
Yeah.
But we did it, didn't we? Yes, we did.
Not like poor little Janey, going through it on her own.
- At least I had your hand to hold.
- Chest.
- What? - You held onto my chest hairs.
Which one? It was agony, but you did disentangle my medallion.
Yes and without an epidural.
You were so brave.
It was worth it, though.
Nick was a beautiful baby, wasn't he? Hello, Dad.
Can you lend me a fiver? (Tyres screech) - What? What's wrong? - I'm not ready, Ben.
What? Susan, we've travelled over 200 miles, spent 600 quid and I'm three stone lighter than I was when I left home.
- You are ready.
- But I'm too young to be a grandmother.
Grandmothers don't visit the Galapagos Islands.
You will.
I'll buy you a one-way ticket.
Now, come on.
Let's get this over and down with.
- Ah, Nurse.
- Can I help you? Our daughter's having a baby.
Janey Harper.
Oh, yes, she's had the baby.
- Is she all right? - Everything OK? Don't worry.
It's all fine.
He's sleeping in the nursery.
- He's asleep.
- He's a boy.
Why isn't he with Janey? This isn't normal.
Is Janey ill? No, she just wanted us to take him while she painted her nails.
Oh, that's normal.
- Can we look at the baby? - Of course.
- Janey said you can hold him if you like.
- Good old Janey.
(Baby cries) - See? He doesn't bite.
- No.
No, but he does pee.
That's because you're holding him all wrong.
Come here.
Oh, come here, my little one.
That nasty man doesn't know He doesn't just pee.
My God, we're grandparents.
Can you believe it? Does that mean we can stop being parents? So this is what it's like being grandparents.
I don't know.
You look pretty hot to me.
Grandmother.
- You still haven't chosen a name yet.
- No.
OK.
Let's do it.
OK.
- Granny.
- That's too old lady.
- Nanny.
- I'm not a goat.
- Grandmama.
- That is so Red Riding Hood.
So uncool.
Chip? Chip now you're talking.
Gramps.
Gramps.