Nathan For You (2013) s04e06 Episode Script

1 My name is Nathan Fielder.
And I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.
This is "Nathan For You.
" If you're handing over your computer to a stranger, there's nothing you care more about than your privacy.
So for computer repair shops like Los Angeles based Cyberguy, earning customers' trust is a huge struggle.
We are saying that we're not gonna look at the files and folders or private files, but they don't trust.
The reason is that most of us have things on our computer that we don't want seen.
As someone with a recurring medical issue, I keep photos on my laptop that are meant only for my doctor's eyes.
And when my computer breaks down, I can never be certain that a repair technician won't be tempted to snoop.
But fortunately for Cyberguy owner Herman Akbiyik, I had a solution.
Your biggest problem is, no matter how much you tell your customers you're not gonna look at their nude or sexy pics, they'll always be skeptical.
Because you're a sexual being, right? Okay, so whatever desire I have, it's not gonna be affecting my business.
What do you mean? Okay, if you don't eat food, you're hungry always, okay? Mm-hmm.
If you eat food, you're gonna be full.
You don't feel anymore your hunger.
Right.
So if you don't pleasure yourself at home, maybe you're gonna feel it at the office or while walking on the street you can feel those desires, in a way.
So you're saying you pleasure yourself so much at home that it doesn't affect you at work.
Correct.
Despite Herman's claim that he gets everything out of his system before arriving at work each morning, his customers will never completely trust him, because he's a sexual being.
But if Herman recruited repair technicians from the 1% of Americans who identify as asexual, meaning they have no sexual desires whatsoever, customers could finally feel confident about getting their computers repaired without the staff being tempted to look at their private photos.
The plan: Put customers at ease by offering the world's first asexual computer repair.
I see.
When they see any image nude image, so they're not gonna be desired or affecting.
In theory, yes.
In theory.
I see.
Neither Herman nor I knew much about asexuality, but he was willing to give it a shot.
So I went to the internet's most popular asexuality forum and posted a job notification to see if anyone would fit the criteria that Herman would need.
And later that week, I set up interviews with everyone who responded.
You know, just the lack of feeling a sexual attraction and need for sex is all that asexuality truly is.
And there's a spectrum to it too.
So if you're not thinking about sex, what are you thinking about? It always depends.
I mean, I suppose most of the time I'm actually thinking about superheroes.
Uh, my favorite of which being Aquaman, hence the orange shirt.
So when most people are thinking of sex, you're thinking of Aquaman? Well, that's a funny way of putting it, but I suppose so.
After learning more about the asexual lifestyle, I was feeling optimistic that this could work.
So right now, sitting across from me, you feel no sexual attraction.
No.
You're another person to me.
Whoa.
I was born an asexual, and I assume that I shall still be an asexual upon leaving this world.
So after a rigorous vetting process, using a heart rate monitor to judge their physical response to a series of stimulating images I found in a stock photo database Do you find this sexually arousing or No.
- No.
- No.
I offered the job to the two who showed no spike in heart rate, no matter how stimulating the image was.
So the next day, I brought the new recruits to Cyberguy to introduce them to Herman.
So this is Nicki and Randy.
- And they're asexual.
- Okay.
Which means they don't have a desire to look at any customers' private nudes or sexy photos or, you know, they just don't have those urges.
And also a sense of privacy.
- I mean - Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, because Privacy's important to everybody.
Of asexuality.
Right, but someone like Herman might be tempted.
Yeah, possibility.
Right, yeah, but you wouldn't be tempted ever.
- No, no, no.
- Right.
So that's why.
Their lack of arousal was perfect, but they still weren't computer experts.
I've removed viruses from computers before, but with instructions.
So knowing they would need Herman's close guidance when doing a repair, I installed a series of walls in the back of the store to create a quarantined viewing booth for Herman so the repair area would remain free of sexual contamination.
The only access point into the inner chamber was through a military-grade key code lock that only the asexuals would have the code to.
So after putting up a brand-new banner out front, and giving the repair staff their code to enter the desexualized zone [WHISPERING.]
The code is 1, 2, 3, 4.
Okay? So don't tell Herman.
Okay.
They securely sealed themselves inside the repair area, while me and Herman waited for customers up front.
You didn't see the code, right? No, I didn't.
Do you promise? I promise.
Okay.
Before long, the first customer arrived.
It's, like, very slow.
And it's hard for me to get to the Internet sometimes.
So it was time to see if he'd be impressed by the new service.
So I don't know if you saw our sign, but only computer repair shop in town that offers a fully asexual repair service.
Okay.
Are you familiar with asexuals? Uh, no, I'm not.
Okay, so the entire time your computer is here, no one with any sexual desires will be touching it.
And that is the Cyberguy guarantee, right? Yes.
For sure.
100% guarantee that.
Full disclosure, Herman is a sexual person, but he will not be touching your computer at any point.
What does that mean, "he's a sexual person"? Yeah, that means a sexual person is me.
So we having some desires for looking at the picture, digging, looking inside.
So we're curious about what is inside.
What's contained inside.
It's a nude photos, videos, stuff.
So he has those desires.
But his Other people don't.
They don't.
The people that will be repairing it.
The first customer was excited by the concept.
[BELL DINGS.]
So now an asexual is coming up.
- Yes.
- Got you.
But all our hard work would be meaningless unless we could actually execute the repair, so once the computer was safely in the desexualized zone, Herman took his place in his isolation booth, where he could hopefully guide the repair process while the barrier prevented him from acting out his most carnal urges.
Okay, so can you double-click on Library folder? Okay, this is regular folders.
Okay, we don't need Okay.
So After 30 minutes, the repair was going well.
But then Herman said he needed to use the bathroom.
While it is scanning, so I'm doing a break.
- Okay.
- To the restroom.
And that was a problem.
The only path to the bathroom was directly through the desexualized zone.
So to prevent contamination, I created a lockdown protocol.
And it was about to get its first real-world test.
Warning.
Lockdown protocol activated.
Once the computer was safely caged and padlocked, Herman was allowed to cross through the desexualized zone.
Sexual intruder alert.
Sexual intruder alert.
Sexual intruder alert.
Sexual intruder alert.
Sexual intruder alert.
Sexual intruder alert.
Okay, thank you guys.
The lockdown protocol went off without a hitch, and once they completed their first repair, it was clear that Herman was sold on the new service.
Nobody touch or looking or digging inside a computer.
So they feel safe.
And that meant customers now had a place where they could feel comfortable handing over their computer to a stranger.
Will you be looking at any of her private photos or personal videos or anything? No.
No, it's And why not? Well, it's part of privacy, and also just 'cause I have no interest in it.
Because? 'Cause I'm asexual.
So there you go.
And please backup my music and my photos.
I did not back them up.
Of course.
In the olden days, this woman would have been tied to a stake and burned alive.
But today the only threat facing LA based psychic Madam Dora is a lack of customers.
I've placed ads before, and they I haven't seen a lot of return from them.
It could be because her marketing was just too generic to even be noticed.
So I paid her a visit with an idea for a brand-new campaign.
The goal of advertising should be to appeal to as many people as possible.
Mm-hmm.
But as a psychic, you need to make people feel that you're speaking directly to them.
Because that's the fantasy they have.
Okay.
They want to believe you know something about them.
Okay.
So rather than advertising to everyone, I think it would be hugely beneficial if you targeted your campaign to just one person: Maria Garcia.
And Maria Garcia is According to the Whitepages, there are over 1,000 people named Maria Garcia in Los Angeles alone.
So if Madam Dora created an ad campaign targeting just those people, each Maria Garcia would believe the psychic was speaking directly to her, practically guaranteeing that they'd call the number to schedule a reading.
The plan: Turn every Maria Garcia in LA into a devoted customer for life.
Never made it a habit of looking through the Whitepages.
Well, maybe that's where you screwed up.
Yeah, it does make sense.
Madam Dora was impressed with my good idea.
Now all we had to do was get the word out.
So the next day, I returned with some sound equipment so we could record a radio ad for our new campaign.
Maria Garcia, I had a vision about you.
I need to speak to you.
We also did an extensive print campaign and installed multiple billboards at busy intersections throughout the city of Los Angeles.
And within days, Dora had received her first call.
Hi, my name's Maria Garcia.
So I had Madam Dora call her back to try to schedule a reading.
- Hello? - Hello.
- Is this Maria Garcia? - Yes.
My name is Dora, I'm a psychic.
- Hi.
- Hi.
[WHISPERS.]
Say you had a vision about her.
- Okay.
- I had a vision about you.
- And it was a strong vision.
- Oh.
And it was a really strong vision.
It came to me in a dream.
And it came to me in a dream.
The ad campaign worked, and Maria booked an appointment for later that week.
My hope was that she'd be impressed enough to become a devoted customer.
So when she arrived for her appointment, I told her we were filming a documentary about the best psychics in the world, and she agreed to give me an interview after her reading.
But when she emerged 30 minutes later, I was shocked to discover that she was completely underwhelmed.
She just said that she saw something about the law around me.
Was that relevant or I don't think it was, honestly.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I was confused by that.
This was bad.
If Maria didn't believe in Dora's psychic powers, we'd lose her as a customer and my whole plan would be a waste.
But that's when I realized there might still be a way to win her back.
Maria said that Dora had predicted a mystery man would soon sweep her off her feet.
But I guess I'm gonna find a guy who I'm kind of turned away from at first, and I guess I'll see what happens.
So if I could secretly engineer a way for this to happen, Maria would have no choice but to believe that Dora's mystical powers were for real.
I thought I knew a mystery man who just might fit the bill.
One of the production assistants on my show named Salomon regularly updates his Facebook page with posts about his longing for a romantic connection.
It was clear he was still searching for that special someone.
So I invited him into my office to see if he wanted to help me bring a psychic's prediction to life.
I told Salomon that I wanted to introduce him to a young woman I knew.
Her name's Maria Garcia.
Yeah, she seems cute.
And that a psychic had predicted she would soon fall in love.
The man she described sounded pretty similar to you.
Similar? Yeah.
Like she described a man with brown hair, brown eyes.
Wow.
That's That's pretty crazy.
[LAUGHS.]
Those psychics.
Salomon seemed interested, but before setting them up, I wanted to be sure they had the ingredients for a true romantic connection.
Do you have any deal-breakers I should know about? Deal-breakers? Like turnoffs or something.
Uh, if they're not nice.
If they're, like, mean.
Okay.
Yeah.
'Cause some people like bad girls.
Oh, no.
Not me.
- Right.
- No.
I like them, uh nice.
Okay.
Any other deal-breakers? Well, maybe a smoker.
- Smoker? - Yeah.
So if she smokes, that's a turnoff? - Yes.
- Okay.
Anything else? No smoker, and no handicapped.
Handicapped? Well, since I never dated a handicapped person.
Like, I don't know.
That would be Well, what do you think would be the problem about that? Uh, I guess if there's, like, a set of stairs.
You probably have to lift the person or something.
Like, I don't know.
You might, like, drop her.
You know? She might sue you.
- Right.
- Yeah, so I don't want no Nothing like that.
So you don't want to date a handicapped person because you're worried you'd have to carry them up the stairs and then you'd fall and then that person would sue you? Yeah, something like that.
Yeah.
I don't think she's handicapped, but I can check on the smoking thing.
That would be good.
Salomon was on board.
But for this to work, Maria would need to feel like it was a chance encounter.
So I called her up and said that the documentary crew wanted to do a follow-up interview about her experience with the psychic.
Yeah, I can do that.
Great.
But what she didn't know was that the real purpose of the shoot was to give her and Salomon a chance to connect.
And I had the perfect way to give them some time alone together.
Doing her makeup? Yeah.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't even know how to put makeup.
You've never done makeup before? No.
Well, it's just like you look at the color of her skin, and you try to match it and you just put it on.
It's easy.
So many colors.
Salomon agreed that posing as the on-set makeup artist would give them the best chance to get to know each other.
But there was one big concern.
Do you know how to flirt? I don't know.
[LAUGHS.]
- You don't know? - I don't.
Okay, okay, so pretend you're the girl.
- Okay? - Okay.
- And I'll be the guy - Okay.
And I'll show you a little role-play.
- Okay? - Okay.
So hey, how's it going? It's good.
How's your day today? It's good.
Why is it good? Oh, it's just the day is good.
Nice day to go out.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're so dumb.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's funny.
- So you see? - Yeah.
It's like you're insulting, but at the same time, you don't mean it.
Yeah, so that's a good example of flirting.
Salomon was a quick study.
But for my plan to work, he would need to seal the deal.
Most importantly, though, if you like her, don't be shy to ask her out.
Think you can do that? I think I can do that.
Before Maria arrived, I set Salomon up with a YouTube makeup tutorial so he could learn the basics.
And then I just kind of buff it all over the skin, really working it in there.
And this stuff And when she finally showed up, I greeted her at the door.
So we're just gonna get you into makeup quickly for, like, a touchup, and then we'll do the interview.
- Awesome.
- Okay, cool.
Where do you want me for now? Oh, do you want a smoke? Do you want a cigarette at all? Oh, no, I don't smoke.
Thank you, though.
- You don't? - No.
Okay.
That's cool.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
And with that, it was time for Salomon and Maria to meet.
So this is our makeup artist, Salomon.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- He'll be - I'm Maria; nice to meet you.
- My name is Salomon.
- Uh-huh.
All right, he'll be touching you up before we begin.
All right.
I'll leave you two to it.
So I'm just gonna remove the shine.
- Just put a little bit - Mmhmm.
Do you want me to move my hair back? Uh, yes.
Sorry about that.
So, um, so how is your day? It's good.
It's good.
It was really It's relaxing so far.
Oh, yeah.
That's funny.
You're so dumb.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Okay.
Yeah.
Thank So I'm Done? So, um, let me see.
Just gonna Just gonna keep doing more shine.
It was a rough start.
And I was getting nervous that Salomon wouldn't be able to make Dora's prediction come true.
But then, things started to turn around.
What's your favorite movie? I don't know.
That's a good question.
I love horror movies, though.
Oh, yeah, those are scary.
That's what I love about it.
I like the adrenaline rush you get, like, during the film.
And I like seeing, like, why, if it's, like, a killer, like, what their motive is.
- Oh, yeah.
- And, like, how they do it.
It would be to have It would be good, I think, to have the remote control.
[LAUGHS.]
It's like, you can escape the killer.
- You just fast-forward.
- Yeah.
Or just fast-forward the movie.
- [LAUGHS.]
- To see the ending.
Salomon was actually making her laugh.
And they were able to bond over a common interest: Movies.
What other movies you like? Um I want to watch all the "Harry Potter" movies again, 'cause I just started reading the books.
Oh, yeah, those are good.
I like them.
- Did you read the books? - I haven't read the books.
But I went to see the movies.
Mm-hmm.
That's easier.
[LAUGHS.]
The books are really good, though.
Yeah, so there you go.
That's good lipstick.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Oh, I want to know if you want to go out with me.
Huh? Out on a date? - On a date? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Yeah, so if Um, I don't I mean, I'll hang out with you, but I don't know if it'd be, like, a date, 'cause I don't know you at all.
Well, yeah, that would be good.
I mean, that's how everything starts, - with friendship.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so that's good.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
So we get to know each other.
Cool.
Cool.
Salomon had done it.
And now that Madam Dora's vision of a romantic encounter with a mystery man had come true, Maria seemed to have a newfound faith in the psychic's powers.
Do you think you might go back to her for another appointment? Yeah, if I were ever to see a psychic, I feel, why not it be her? I know it may seem a bit like cheating, putting in all this work to make a psychic's prediction come to life, but who's to say my intervention wasn't exactly what Madam Dora had foreseen all along? I guess I'll never really know the truth, but with a flood of new Marias calling every single day, the one thing I did know was that Dora would be just fine.
[WOMEN SAYING "MARIA GARCIA" ON VOICEMAIL MESSAGES.]
- What is that warning? - So For Time Machine.
For Time Machine.
Says "Do you want to use Cyberguy to back up with Time Machine?" No.
- Don't use? - Don't use.