NewsRadio (1995) s04e06 Episode Script
Pure Evil
I still can't get used to the fact that that's your desk now.
Me neither.
Or that Lisa's the boss and that you're Bill's producer.
Boy, you go away for a week or two, and everything changes.
Hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dave.
It still stings, doesn't it? No, it just takes a little getting used to, but, uh, I'm fine.
Good for you.
Okay, I'm not fine.
- I'm not fine! - You sure? You seem fine.
Well, you know, the old Dave would be fine, yes.
The-The well-meaning, even-tempered, easygoing Dave-- He'd be fine with this.
But I'm not fine with it.
You know why? 'Cause that Dave, unfortunately, as of today, is dead.
[ Sputtering Laugh .]
No, he's not, Dave.
Oh, yes, he is.
Hear me well.
As of today, a new Dave is born-- a Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is pure evil.
- Pure evil? - Pure evil.
Dave, can I borrow five bucks? Sure, Joe.
My wallet's in my desk.
Just take what you need.
Where was I? Uh, pure evil.
[ Door Closes .]
Pure evil.
And by embodying pure evil as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully re-bestowed upon me.
- You're gonna get Lisa fired? - Oh, Lord, no.
No.
I mean, that wouldn't be fair.
It's not her fault.
I shouldn't make her the target of my, you know-- my-my-my-my-- Pure evilness.
Yeah.
Which I'm still sort of getting the hang of.
Well, you keep at it.
I'm sure you'll get it.
Thanks.
Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you, honey.
Uh-huh.
No.
Ooh, Dave, that's a good start.
Okay, go with it.
Go with it.
Come on.
More! More! Get your own damn soda! Yes, yes, yes! All right.
Come on! Come on! That's really all I've got right now.
What time is it? - What are you doing here? - Well, I was sleeping.
Matthew.
You shouldn't be here.
You don't work here anymore.
[ Sighs .]
You're right.
I don't work here.
I live here.
I guess since you're the new boss, it's time you knew.
After I got fired, I got kicked out of my apartment.
Dave told me that I could stay here till I found a new place.
No, he didn't.
I'd love to chat, but I'm gonna be late for work if I don't get a move on, so-- Matthew.
Yeah.
What is it? - Aren't you gonna get dressed? - No, I usually do that in the elevator on the way down.
I got it down to a science.
What do you have to say to that, Mr.
President? [ Impersonating Bill Clinton .]
Well, I'd just like to say-- [ As Himself .]
And I'd just like to say, "Put a sock in it, Mr.
President.
" [ As Clinton .]
Mr.
McNeal, I wish I had a response to that.
You win.
You got me.
[ As Himself .]
Thank you, sir.
What the hell is he doing in there? Oh, it's a new segment called "Bill McNeal's Hypothetical Interviews.
" Well, it's a terrible idea.
Isn't it? Yeah, it's-- Oh, my.
Pure evil, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but what's the point, Dave? What kind of a producer would let Bill make a fool of himself like that? Someone who shouldn't be Bill's producer.
Uh-huh.
Someone who's a lousy producer, but a great news director, as he once was and so shall be again.
But what if Jimmy just fires you, Dave? You thought about that one? - Well, then who'll produce Bill's show? - Lisa.
Who will be the news director? I guess they can always get someone new.
Why get someone new when you have a perfectly good candidate right under your nose, hmm? Hmm? [ Sinister Laughing .]
- Are you okay? - I haven't been sleeping well lately.
Are you ready for your first staff meeting, boss? Yes, I am.
Could you please assemble the staff? And remind me to re-itemize those agenda lists, because I have no idea what I'm doing.
Sure, you do.
Sure, you do.
You've been preparing for this day for five years.
- What are you talking about? - I've seen all those charts and diagrams on your desk.
Sure, it works on paper, but what if I'm not the perfect boss? - No one expects you to be perfect.
- Oh, you're so naive.
I mean, what if nobody listens to me the way they used to listen to Dave? Actually, I never really listened to Dave.
Well, me neither.
What if I tell someone to do something, and then they don't do it? And then everybody in the office decides they don't have to do what I say.
Anarchy sweeps the nation, and millions of people are running around nude, looting stuff? Yes, exactly.
I mean, I can't take that kind of responsibility.
You know what? No one becomes a boss overnight.
You've got plenty of time to prove yourself.
How much time? One week.
That's it? You know what? Don't even think about that.
Focus on today, because today's gonna set the tone for the rest of the week.
- What if today doesn't go well? - Don't even think about that.
Just focus on the first part of today, which is the staff meeting.
- What if the staff meeting doesn't go well? - Don't even think about that.
- Just focus on the first part of the staff meeting.
- Oh, I see.
So if the first thing I say at the first staff meeting isn't perfect-- Yes, you will single-handedly bear the blame for the great nude looting epidemic of '97.
Now, Mr.
President, I'm sure a lot of people think this is just some radio shtick with a guy imitating your voice, but-- [ As Clinton .]
I wish it were, Bill, but it isn't.
It's really me, and I just wish I had what it takes to match wits with you.
[ As Himself .]
Oh, come now, sir.
[ As Clinton .]
Let's face it, Bill.
I am your bitch.
Dave, what the hell is he doin'? It's that fake presidential interview laced with lies and obscenities.
Is that a good idea? No, sir.
It's a terrible idea.
But I just can't seem to control him.
[ Coughs .]
Evil.
Dave, I understand it's funny as all get out, but is it even legal? Probably not.
Oh, I see.
Fine.
So you two are just breakin' all the rules, aren't ya? Sir, I have marshaled every manipulatory skill and resource at my grasp.
That's the way to go.
That's my boy.
If it gets messy, you'll leave me out of it, okay? We never had this conversation.
In fact, I don't know who you are.
Sir-- Sir-- I don't know you.
Can't talk.
Sir, I-- I don't know you.
I'm a stranger.
Why not start with a joke? [ Gasps .]
A joke! That's a great idea.
And you know what? I just happen to have a joke book for junior executives right here.
Well, of course you do.
Mm-hmm.
"Coeds, hippies, Levittown, teetotalers, Sputnik, swinging singles, Polish jokes.
" How old is that book anyway? Um, it was published in 1967.
It was my dad's.
Whoa, that's cool.
That's cool.
My dad was a bigot too.
Okay, listen, everybody.
Lisa's gonna be out in a second.
This is her first meeting as the boss, so let's give her a nice, warm reception.
Okeydoke.
Go, Lisa, go! - Okay, well, not that warm.
- Sorry.
The floor is yours, boss.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Just take a deep breath.
[ Inhales, Gulps .]
Lisa, if you don't say anything, it's kinda hard for me to contradict you, so-- [ Whispers, Indistinct .]
Oh.
Dave, we're tryin' to have a meeting! Whoa! She was choking.
You okay? All right, everyone.
The excitement's over.
So why don't we just get on with the staff meeting? [ Hoarsely .]
A priest, a rabbi-- [ Dave .]
Huh? [ Sighs .]
Aw, come on! Wait a minute here.
A priest and a rabbi what? I know that one.
All right.
A priest, rabbi and an astronaut are all on a life raft, and they only got one sandwich.
[ Bugle: Reveille .]
[ Man's Voice .]
Wake up! Rise and shine! [ Clicks Off .]
Thanks.
What day is it? Tuesday.
Oh, wow.
Time sure flies, doesn't it, roomie? Matthew, what did I tell you about sleeping in the office? Well, did you ask Dave about it? Well, no.
I mean, Dave and I aren't actually speaking right now.
But-- [ Gargles, Spits .]
Hey, Beth.
Matthew, my desk is not your clothes hamper.
Are you okay? I'm okay.
Are you relaxed? I'm relaxed.
You're gonna knock 'em dead today.
I know.
How? I brought snacks.
What? Coming up after the break, the White House issues a strong statement condemning so-called radio shock jocks who fake interviews with the president for sensationalistic value.
Well, sir, I have no idea how to deal with this crisis.
Ah.
I don't know what you're talkin' about, because I'm not involved, because we never discussed this, but-- [ Coughs .]
good work, whoever the hell you are.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.
We have a lot of business to discuss today, so, um-- What's this? Oh.
I almost forgot.
It's just some snacks I brought in for you guys, so just-- Oh, wow! Everybody, just dig in.
It's so beautiful, I don't wanna touch it.
That's what they're here for.
Anyway, I think we need to discuss the drive-time schedule.
- This must have cost a fortune.
- No, no.
I baked 'em myself.
Anyway-- - I didn't know you knew how to bake.
- Well, I didn't.
Last night I bought six or seven books about baking and synthesized the relevant information and perfected the recipes through trial and error.
Anyway, uh, about drive time-- Screw drive time.
Somebody give me a fork.
Did you bake these yourself? I wanted them to come out perfect.
Okay, this is what I call "Trying too hard to look like you're not trying too hard.
" Well, what am I supposed to do, not try? Yes! Wow! She even infused the meringue with an insouciant hint of lemon zest.
Hey, you're a regular little Marcia Stewart.
What the hell are you doin' wastin' your time here bein' the, uh-- the-- What the hell do you do here again? White House spokesman Mike McCurry said, "Fun is fun, but certain radio shock jocks have gone too far in lampooning our nation's highest office.
" [ Phone Rings .]
Excuse me a minute.
Yello! [ As Clinton .]
Hi, Bill.
It's me, the president of the United States.
[ As Himself .]
Oh, hi, Mr.
President.
I hear you're upset with me.
[ As Clinton .]
Oh, I could never be upset with you, Bill.
In fact, I was just sittin' here in the Oval Office-- completely nude, of course-- and I thought, "Boy, I bet Bill McNeal could make some hay with this.
" I'm sorry, Dave.
If you can't control these people better, I'm gonna have to make some serious changes around here.
Well, sir, I try and I try, but-- Don't worry.
I just had to say that for legal reasons.
I'm not even here right now.
Don't even say it.
Say what? I was just going to ask how you could possibly break up with a woman who makes such exquisite cakes! Mmm.
That is good.
Is that lemon zest? You know it, dude.
Okay, well, then call me back when you get them.
Thanks.
Matthew, it's time to get up.
Five more minutes.
I've given you five more minutes at least seven times.
Now come on.
Get up.
I need my office.
[ Groans .]
[ Sighs .]
Why did we go to Hawaii together? That was a dream.
Oh.
No, I'm pretty sure we went to Hawaii together.
- How was it? - Not that fun.
I'm sorry.
Joining us in the studio today is my special guest, Secret Service Agent Ed Clooney.
So, Ed, is the president really mad at me? [ As Clooney .]
Oh, he is, Bill.
He most definitely is.
In fact, he sent me here to assassinate you.
[ As Himself .]
Oh, you wouldn't do that, would you? [ As Clooney .]
Come on.
How could I assassinate the great Bill McNeal? [ As Himself .]
You are too kind.
Now, I understand that 95% of the men in the Secret Service are gay.
[ As Clooney .]
You got that right, girlfriend.
- Okay, they're ready for the staff meeting.
- Cancel it.
You're the boss.
You have to go out there.
No.
I tried it twice already, and the only thing I proved is that I'm a terrific hostess and I can't talk and chew gum at the same time.
That's a good start.
Let's go.
No.
You have to.
I can't.
I'm too nervous.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Beth, I'm not goin' out there.
Beth, I'm not goin' out there! Beth! Well, that's about all I have for today.
Meeting dismissed.
Well, that was nice, but I was actually hopin' for more cake.
Lisey.
Risey shiny! - What time is it? - 80:30.
Thank you for letting me use your apartment last night, by the way.
- You slept in my apartment? - Yeah.
I mean, you slept here, so I assumed that's what you wanted me to do.
Plus, I had a date.
You took a date to my apartment? Yes, I did, and thank you, and let's just leave it at that.
Oh! I'm off to work, so are you up? Yes, I'm up.
Okay.
Are you sure you're up? Yes, I'm up! Okay, you're on your own today.
Then I actually overheard some people on the subway this morning quoting lines from Bill's stupid fake Clinton interviews.
Guys at my chemical plant were actually asking for autographed photos of Bill.
Oh, Lord.
I've created a monster.
No.
He was already a monster.
You've just made him a very popular monster.
Kinda makes me wish I was here to enjoy this.
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
- What are you doing up? - Playing computer solitaire.
Oh, thanks.
What day is it? - Friday.
- T.
G.
I.
F.
Am I right, or what? I'll say.
What have I wrought? Yeah.
What you have wrought has made Bill a national celebrity, you sneaky little genius you.
Oh, shh! I can't hear.
And when I parody the president, I do not do it for myself.
I do it for the American people.
And I'm sure they appreciate it, Mr.
McNeal, but-- And, so, members of the United States Senate, I stand before you today and say I refuse to be censored.
I refuse to let my gaping maw be shut.
And to prove that I do not stand here alone, I'd like to read a brief letter from the president.
[ As Clinton .]
"Dear Bill, I know these are trying times for you, "but I want you to remember one thing-- Don't let those fat bastards in the senate get you down.
" [ Applause Continues .]
Guys, can you listen to me for just a second? Lisa's had a very tough first week as boss, okay? Dave, are you listening? Whatever.
Mm-hmm.
So, if you could just find it in your hearts to give her, like, a pat on the back or a, you know, "Good job, Lisa," it would really help.
Okay.
Good job, Lisa! Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Anyway, first of all, even though Bill is still in Washington insulting the president on national television-- Which is awesome.
I'd like to congratulate him and Dave for bringing us our highest ratings since 1987.
I didn't do it on purpose.
I'd also like to thank all of you for your patience as I adjust to this new position.
I know I haven't been doing a very good job so far, but, um, anyway-- That's not true.
- What does that mean? - It's-- It's not true.
I mean, you're doing a good job.
You're doing a very good job.
You are very, very good, and I am very, very bad.
You know, Dave, it's hard enough trying to do this stupid job without having to listen to your sarcastic comments.
Unlike you, I am trying to do it without completely abandoning my sense of integrity and turning myself into Baba Booey Jr.
! Whoa.
What was that all about? You've just turned totally and completely evil, haven't you? I was being sincere.
Yeah, yeah.
Sincerely evil.
We got the ratings to prove it, but you didn't hear that from me.
I mean, how could you? I'm on a riverboat in Burma.
I just wanna be a good boss.
You are a good boss.
A good, scary boss who yells at people who are trying to be nice to her.
I miss my old job.
I know.
I know.
But you're doin' such a great job with the new one.
Thank you, sir, but you know that's not true.
Yeah, it is, because the ratings are good.
And if the ratings are good, the boss is happy.
And if Lisa's happy, I'm happy.
Hey, Bill, what's up? This is Cindy.
She wants to know if she can get an autograph.
Why, it'd be my pleasure, Cindy.
Mr.
McNeal, I just want to let you know, you make me so proud to be an American.
Me too, Cindy.
Me too.
Could you sign it on my breast? I don't know if I can-- [ As Clinton .]
but maybe Bill Clinton could give it a shot.
Come on.
Ooh, hello.
Oh, hey.
Hey, I-- I didn't expect to see you here.
Neither did you.
Right on.
Uh, well, you know-- Dave.
I don't wanna-- Hmm, you go.
Dave, I am sorry I'm-- that I chewed out you today.
Mm-hmm.
That's all right, you know? It's all right.
You know, you're doin' a job good.
Good job, and, uh-- Yeah, I wish it was still my job, but it's, you know-- it's not, so there you go.
So, you know, take good care of it.
I will.
I will.
If you will.
Good.
This is nice, Dave-- you and me talky, talky, talky.
Yeah.
Normal people talky.
But I'm not gonna remember any of this tomorrow.
Me neither.
But it's a good start though.
Aah.
Sorry.
Well, good night, Lisa.
Good night, Dave.
Good night, you two.
Good night.
Me neither.
Or that Lisa's the boss and that you're Bill's producer.
Boy, you go away for a week or two, and everything changes.
Hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dave.
It still stings, doesn't it? No, it just takes a little getting used to, but, uh, I'm fine.
Good for you.
Okay, I'm not fine.
- I'm not fine! - You sure? You seem fine.
Well, you know, the old Dave would be fine, yes.
The-The well-meaning, even-tempered, easygoing Dave-- He'd be fine with this.
But I'm not fine with it.
You know why? 'Cause that Dave, unfortunately, as of today, is dead.
[ Sputtering Laugh .]
No, he's not, Dave.
Oh, yes, he is.
Hear me well.
As of today, a new Dave is born-- a Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is pure evil.
- Pure evil? - Pure evil.
Dave, can I borrow five bucks? Sure, Joe.
My wallet's in my desk.
Just take what you need.
Where was I? Uh, pure evil.
[ Door Closes .]
Pure evil.
And by embodying pure evil as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully re-bestowed upon me.
- You're gonna get Lisa fired? - Oh, Lord, no.
No.
I mean, that wouldn't be fair.
It's not her fault.
I shouldn't make her the target of my, you know-- my-my-my-my-- Pure evilness.
Yeah.
Which I'm still sort of getting the hang of.
Well, you keep at it.
I'm sure you'll get it.
Thanks.
Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you, honey.
Uh-huh.
No.
Ooh, Dave, that's a good start.
Okay, go with it.
Go with it.
Come on.
More! More! Get your own damn soda! Yes, yes, yes! All right.
Come on! Come on! That's really all I've got right now.
What time is it? - What are you doing here? - Well, I was sleeping.
Matthew.
You shouldn't be here.
You don't work here anymore.
[ Sighs .]
You're right.
I don't work here.
I live here.
I guess since you're the new boss, it's time you knew.
After I got fired, I got kicked out of my apartment.
Dave told me that I could stay here till I found a new place.
No, he didn't.
I'd love to chat, but I'm gonna be late for work if I don't get a move on, so-- Matthew.
Yeah.
What is it? - Aren't you gonna get dressed? - No, I usually do that in the elevator on the way down.
I got it down to a science.
What do you have to say to that, Mr.
President? [ Impersonating Bill Clinton .]
Well, I'd just like to say-- [ As Himself .]
And I'd just like to say, "Put a sock in it, Mr.
President.
" [ As Clinton .]
Mr.
McNeal, I wish I had a response to that.
You win.
You got me.
[ As Himself .]
Thank you, sir.
What the hell is he doing in there? Oh, it's a new segment called "Bill McNeal's Hypothetical Interviews.
" Well, it's a terrible idea.
Isn't it? Yeah, it's-- Oh, my.
Pure evil, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but what's the point, Dave? What kind of a producer would let Bill make a fool of himself like that? Someone who shouldn't be Bill's producer.
Uh-huh.
Someone who's a lousy producer, but a great news director, as he once was and so shall be again.
But what if Jimmy just fires you, Dave? You thought about that one? - Well, then who'll produce Bill's show? - Lisa.
Who will be the news director? I guess they can always get someone new.
Why get someone new when you have a perfectly good candidate right under your nose, hmm? Hmm? [ Sinister Laughing .]
- Are you okay? - I haven't been sleeping well lately.
Are you ready for your first staff meeting, boss? Yes, I am.
Could you please assemble the staff? And remind me to re-itemize those agenda lists, because I have no idea what I'm doing.
Sure, you do.
Sure, you do.
You've been preparing for this day for five years.
- What are you talking about? - I've seen all those charts and diagrams on your desk.
Sure, it works on paper, but what if I'm not the perfect boss? - No one expects you to be perfect.
- Oh, you're so naive.
I mean, what if nobody listens to me the way they used to listen to Dave? Actually, I never really listened to Dave.
Well, me neither.
What if I tell someone to do something, and then they don't do it? And then everybody in the office decides they don't have to do what I say.
Anarchy sweeps the nation, and millions of people are running around nude, looting stuff? Yes, exactly.
I mean, I can't take that kind of responsibility.
You know what? No one becomes a boss overnight.
You've got plenty of time to prove yourself.
How much time? One week.
That's it? You know what? Don't even think about that.
Focus on today, because today's gonna set the tone for the rest of the week.
- What if today doesn't go well? - Don't even think about that.
Just focus on the first part of today, which is the staff meeting.
- What if the staff meeting doesn't go well? - Don't even think about that.
- Just focus on the first part of the staff meeting.
- Oh, I see.
So if the first thing I say at the first staff meeting isn't perfect-- Yes, you will single-handedly bear the blame for the great nude looting epidemic of '97.
Now, Mr.
President, I'm sure a lot of people think this is just some radio shtick with a guy imitating your voice, but-- [ As Clinton .]
I wish it were, Bill, but it isn't.
It's really me, and I just wish I had what it takes to match wits with you.
[ As Himself .]
Oh, come now, sir.
[ As Clinton .]
Let's face it, Bill.
I am your bitch.
Dave, what the hell is he doin'? It's that fake presidential interview laced with lies and obscenities.
Is that a good idea? No, sir.
It's a terrible idea.
But I just can't seem to control him.
[ Coughs .]
Evil.
Dave, I understand it's funny as all get out, but is it even legal? Probably not.
Oh, I see.
Fine.
So you two are just breakin' all the rules, aren't ya? Sir, I have marshaled every manipulatory skill and resource at my grasp.
That's the way to go.
That's my boy.
If it gets messy, you'll leave me out of it, okay? We never had this conversation.
In fact, I don't know who you are.
Sir-- Sir-- I don't know you.
Can't talk.
Sir, I-- I don't know you.
I'm a stranger.
Why not start with a joke? [ Gasps .]
A joke! That's a great idea.
And you know what? I just happen to have a joke book for junior executives right here.
Well, of course you do.
Mm-hmm.
"Coeds, hippies, Levittown, teetotalers, Sputnik, swinging singles, Polish jokes.
" How old is that book anyway? Um, it was published in 1967.
It was my dad's.
Whoa, that's cool.
That's cool.
My dad was a bigot too.
Okay, listen, everybody.
Lisa's gonna be out in a second.
This is her first meeting as the boss, so let's give her a nice, warm reception.
Okeydoke.
Go, Lisa, go! - Okay, well, not that warm.
- Sorry.
The floor is yours, boss.
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
Just take a deep breath.
[ Inhales, Gulps .]
Lisa, if you don't say anything, it's kinda hard for me to contradict you, so-- [ Whispers, Indistinct .]
Oh.
Dave, we're tryin' to have a meeting! Whoa! She was choking.
You okay? All right, everyone.
The excitement's over.
So why don't we just get on with the staff meeting? [ Hoarsely .]
A priest, a rabbi-- [ Dave .]
Huh? [ Sighs .]
Aw, come on! Wait a minute here.
A priest and a rabbi what? I know that one.
All right.
A priest, rabbi and an astronaut are all on a life raft, and they only got one sandwich.
[ Bugle: Reveille .]
[ Man's Voice .]
Wake up! Rise and shine! [ Clicks Off .]
Thanks.
What day is it? Tuesday.
Oh, wow.
Time sure flies, doesn't it, roomie? Matthew, what did I tell you about sleeping in the office? Well, did you ask Dave about it? Well, no.
I mean, Dave and I aren't actually speaking right now.
But-- [ Gargles, Spits .]
Hey, Beth.
Matthew, my desk is not your clothes hamper.
Are you okay? I'm okay.
Are you relaxed? I'm relaxed.
You're gonna knock 'em dead today.
I know.
How? I brought snacks.
What? Coming up after the break, the White House issues a strong statement condemning so-called radio shock jocks who fake interviews with the president for sensationalistic value.
Well, sir, I have no idea how to deal with this crisis.
Ah.
I don't know what you're talkin' about, because I'm not involved, because we never discussed this, but-- [ Coughs .]
good work, whoever the hell you are.
Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.
We have a lot of business to discuss today, so, um-- What's this? Oh.
I almost forgot.
It's just some snacks I brought in for you guys, so just-- Oh, wow! Everybody, just dig in.
It's so beautiful, I don't wanna touch it.
That's what they're here for.
Anyway, I think we need to discuss the drive-time schedule.
- This must have cost a fortune.
- No, no.
I baked 'em myself.
Anyway-- - I didn't know you knew how to bake.
- Well, I didn't.
Last night I bought six or seven books about baking and synthesized the relevant information and perfected the recipes through trial and error.
Anyway, uh, about drive time-- Screw drive time.
Somebody give me a fork.
Did you bake these yourself? I wanted them to come out perfect.
Okay, this is what I call "Trying too hard to look like you're not trying too hard.
" Well, what am I supposed to do, not try? Yes! Wow! She even infused the meringue with an insouciant hint of lemon zest.
Hey, you're a regular little Marcia Stewart.
What the hell are you doin' wastin' your time here bein' the, uh-- the-- What the hell do you do here again? White House spokesman Mike McCurry said, "Fun is fun, but certain radio shock jocks have gone too far in lampooning our nation's highest office.
" [ Phone Rings .]
Excuse me a minute.
Yello! [ As Clinton .]
Hi, Bill.
It's me, the president of the United States.
[ As Himself .]
Oh, hi, Mr.
President.
I hear you're upset with me.
[ As Clinton .]
Oh, I could never be upset with you, Bill.
In fact, I was just sittin' here in the Oval Office-- completely nude, of course-- and I thought, "Boy, I bet Bill McNeal could make some hay with this.
" I'm sorry, Dave.
If you can't control these people better, I'm gonna have to make some serious changes around here.
Well, sir, I try and I try, but-- Don't worry.
I just had to say that for legal reasons.
I'm not even here right now.
Don't even say it.
Say what? I was just going to ask how you could possibly break up with a woman who makes such exquisite cakes! Mmm.
That is good.
Is that lemon zest? You know it, dude.
Okay, well, then call me back when you get them.
Thanks.
Matthew, it's time to get up.
Five more minutes.
I've given you five more minutes at least seven times.
Now come on.
Get up.
I need my office.
[ Groans .]
[ Sighs .]
Why did we go to Hawaii together? That was a dream.
Oh.
No, I'm pretty sure we went to Hawaii together.
- How was it? - Not that fun.
I'm sorry.
Joining us in the studio today is my special guest, Secret Service Agent Ed Clooney.
So, Ed, is the president really mad at me? [ As Clooney .]
Oh, he is, Bill.
He most definitely is.
In fact, he sent me here to assassinate you.
[ As Himself .]
Oh, you wouldn't do that, would you? [ As Clooney .]
Come on.
How could I assassinate the great Bill McNeal? [ As Himself .]
You are too kind.
Now, I understand that 95% of the men in the Secret Service are gay.
[ As Clooney .]
You got that right, girlfriend.
- Okay, they're ready for the staff meeting.
- Cancel it.
You're the boss.
You have to go out there.
No.
I tried it twice already, and the only thing I proved is that I'm a terrific hostess and I can't talk and chew gum at the same time.
That's a good start.
Let's go.
No.
You have to.
I can't.
I'm too nervous.
I'm doing this for your own good.
Beth, I'm not goin' out there.
Beth, I'm not goin' out there! Beth! Well, that's about all I have for today.
Meeting dismissed.
Well, that was nice, but I was actually hopin' for more cake.
Lisey.
Risey shiny! - What time is it? - 80:30.
Thank you for letting me use your apartment last night, by the way.
- You slept in my apartment? - Yeah.
I mean, you slept here, so I assumed that's what you wanted me to do.
Plus, I had a date.
You took a date to my apartment? Yes, I did, and thank you, and let's just leave it at that.
Oh! I'm off to work, so are you up? Yes, I'm up.
Okay.
Are you sure you're up? Yes, I'm up! Okay, you're on your own today.
Then I actually overheard some people on the subway this morning quoting lines from Bill's stupid fake Clinton interviews.
Guys at my chemical plant were actually asking for autographed photos of Bill.
Oh, Lord.
I've created a monster.
No.
He was already a monster.
You've just made him a very popular monster.
Kinda makes me wish I was here to enjoy this.
[ No Audible Dialogue .]
- What are you doing up? - Playing computer solitaire.
Oh, thanks.
What day is it? - Friday.
- T.
G.
I.
F.
Am I right, or what? I'll say.
What have I wrought? Yeah.
What you have wrought has made Bill a national celebrity, you sneaky little genius you.
Oh, shh! I can't hear.
And when I parody the president, I do not do it for myself.
I do it for the American people.
And I'm sure they appreciate it, Mr.
McNeal, but-- And, so, members of the United States Senate, I stand before you today and say I refuse to be censored.
I refuse to let my gaping maw be shut.
And to prove that I do not stand here alone, I'd like to read a brief letter from the president.
[ As Clinton .]
"Dear Bill, I know these are trying times for you, "but I want you to remember one thing-- Don't let those fat bastards in the senate get you down.
" [ Applause Continues .]
Guys, can you listen to me for just a second? Lisa's had a very tough first week as boss, okay? Dave, are you listening? Whatever.
Mm-hmm.
So, if you could just find it in your hearts to give her, like, a pat on the back or a, you know, "Good job, Lisa," it would really help.
Okay.
Good job, Lisa! Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Anyway, first of all, even though Bill is still in Washington insulting the president on national television-- Which is awesome.
I'd like to congratulate him and Dave for bringing us our highest ratings since 1987.
I didn't do it on purpose.
I'd also like to thank all of you for your patience as I adjust to this new position.
I know I haven't been doing a very good job so far, but, um, anyway-- That's not true.
- What does that mean? - It's-- It's not true.
I mean, you're doing a good job.
You're doing a very good job.
You are very, very good, and I am very, very bad.
You know, Dave, it's hard enough trying to do this stupid job without having to listen to your sarcastic comments.
Unlike you, I am trying to do it without completely abandoning my sense of integrity and turning myself into Baba Booey Jr.
! Whoa.
What was that all about? You've just turned totally and completely evil, haven't you? I was being sincere.
Yeah, yeah.
Sincerely evil.
We got the ratings to prove it, but you didn't hear that from me.
I mean, how could you? I'm on a riverboat in Burma.
I just wanna be a good boss.
You are a good boss.
A good, scary boss who yells at people who are trying to be nice to her.
I miss my old job.
I know.
I know.
But you're doin' such a great job with the new one.
Thank you, sir, but you know that's not true.
Yeah, it is, because the ratings are good.
And if the ratings are good, the boss is happy.
And if Lisa's happy, I'm happy.
Hey, Bill, what's up? This is Cindy.
She wants to know if she can get an autograph.
Why, it'd be my pleasure, Cindy.
Mr.
McNeal, I just want to let you know, you make me so proud to be an American.
Me too, Cindy.
Me too.
Could you sign it on my breast? I don't know if I can-- [ As Clinton .]
but maybe Bill Clinton could give it a shot.
Come on.
Ooh, hello.
Oh, hey.
Hey, I-- I didn't expect to see you here.
Neither did you.
Right on.
Uh, well, you know-- Dave.
I don't wanna-- Hmm, you go.
Dave, I am sorry I'm-- that I chewed out you today.
Mm-hmm.
That's all right, you know? It's all right.
You know, you're doin' a job good.
Good job, and, uh-- Yeah, I wish it was still my job, but it's, you know-- it's not, so there you go.
So, you know, take good care of it.
I will.
I will.
If you will.
Good.
This is nice, Dave-- you and me talky, talky, talky.
Yeah.
Normal people talky.
But I'm not gonna remember any of this tomorrow.
Me neither.
But it's a good start though.
Aah.
Sorry.
Well, good night, Lisa.
Good night, Dave.
Good night, you two.
Good night.