One Foot in the Grave (1990) s04e06 Episode Script
Secret of the Seven Sorcerers
# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # MAN: (OVER RADIO) So on line 2 we have Patrick.
Good evening to you, Patrick.
And what's your question for Mimsy Berkowitz? PATRICK: Well, it's a bit of a tricky one but, um, put simply, my wife and I live next door to a madman.
If I tell you a few weeks ago he put a specially trained crab up my shorts when I was asleep in the garden, and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it hanging between my legs, like a passenger on a tube train, uh, you'll get some idea of the problem.
What's tricky is that they've invited us round to their house tomorrow for a meal, to try and patch things up.
I just wonder if we should risk it? MIMSY: It does sound a delicate one, this.
But I think on balance, I would Is something wrong with this phone? Oh, sorry, yes! It only takes incoming calls at the moment They were supposed to have fixed it Is everything all right, Jean? You've been really fidgety all night Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down? Why, whatever is it? (LAUGHING) It's I think I'm going to be sick (LAUGHING LOUDLY) I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it I think Chris is having an affair Very good, very good An affair? Who with? You know the woman who lives two doors along from us, lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident? Well, a couple of weeks ago, this flew off her washing line and into my garden You see where all this The colour's been bleached out of the stripes down here, at the bottom? -Yes, but what's that got to do -Acne gel Sorry? It's what Chris puts on the back of his neck every night The stripes on his shirt collars are exactly the same Oh, Jean, you can't be serious His head's been on this pillow, Margaret I know it has I know you just think I'm being melodramatic and everything, but Well Perhaps we'll soon have some proof I've hired a private detective to follow him about, see if they go anywhere together I've got to find out, Margaret, one way or the other If I did find out he'd been Oh, I don't know what I'd do I think I I just might kill myself (GUFFAWING) Spam, spam, baked beans and spam That's very funny, very funny I know, Jean But you can't just Well Why don't you phone the conference hotel and put your mind at rest? Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here at half past Oh, God knows, Jean They all go round each other's houses once a week and fish a hanky out of a hat A cross between The Magic Circle and Dad's Army.
Yes, yes, all right, I will And do try to stop fretting Yes Okay, bye Are you coming to bed tonight or what? Remember you've got a job to go to tomorrow morning I'll be up in time for work I just want to test this out for tomorrow, make sure it's in working order Utterly pathetic Oh! I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going to start sawing himself in half again this time? Mr Henstridge? I'm not sure if he's coming He had a bit of a heart scare last week I thought we'd never get the stains out It's a good job we've got a red carpet is all I can say (POPPING) What happened there? That's not supposed to do that (FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING) I don't believe it! You can go down this time, I've had enough for one day -FIRE OFFICER: Exploded chip pan? -What? Excuse me, sir Can we get through, please? Come on, lads -Look! -Straight through I did not call the sodding fire brigade My house is not on fire, will you please go away! Oh, isn't it? Sorry, lads, as you were This is the third time this week your lot have been round I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate, we've got to take every call seriously Now then, you've no idea who these pranksters are that keep ringing us up? No! Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed in the past who's trying to get their own back MARGARET: We've drawn up a shortlist of 5,000 names! Yeah, right Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir Good night to you Good night! Bastards Morning, Mr Meldrew Keeping your bowels open? Sorry? Didn't see you there Sugar Frosties actually Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative in a job like that Busy old road, isn't it? How are you settling now, all right? Very well thank you Picked it up straight away, no problems of any kind Oh, good, good, that's nice, yes No one's said anything to you about Psycho Sam as yet, then? -(STUTTERING) Psycho Sam? -No, no, no, that's fine if they haven't There's no point in making you a bag of nerves before you start That's just what you don't want In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had his heavy goods licence withdrawn After what happened last Friday afternoon with your predecessor Last Fri What happened last Friday afternoon? What about my predecessor? Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie Nice old chap as well, yeah Very popular with the children Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie? What are you talking about? Anyway, I better scoot I've got to pop Auntie Ciss down the rodent control at 9:00 So see you about, I expect, and don't go worrying about articulated lorries, you'll be absolutely fine Articulated (FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING) Oh, a bit of a to-do out here by the looks of things Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew You got a lollipop man in here stuck inside a smoke-filled urinal? Oh, shit! I've got to dash I've put some coffee out if you want to help yourself -Your money's on the kitchen table -Champion Thanks very much Oh, you're off early Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do a couple of hours at the shop And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch I haven't had a minute to think about food for tonight Well, that's all right, I do them one of my specials Oh, are you sure? I think there's some mince in the fridge -I'll see you later! -Yes, bye! Ah, here we are What did I tell you, my horoscope for the day ''Do not under any circumstances go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's ''unless accompanied by a trained exorcist'' I would ring up and cancel but I suppose it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin Can you see an old dirty floor-cloth by the door? Um, yup Well, would you mind shoving it in your bloody mouth! Oh, very good, very good Mmm, I think this is going to be one of my good ones Now the magic formula Two ''tsps'' of chilli powder in a cup of water And one half ''tsp'' of cumin (DOORBELL RINGING) Harold, are you well? Come on in Good morning, Arthur, go and sit yourselves down I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight and I'll be right with you Oh, you need a hand with that I mean, what is it? Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure out of rowing with our neighbours? Yes Anyone would think we were living in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something, the way you carry on They're just a normal couple like you and me, trying to lead normal everyday lives (MAN SCREAMING) I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes Hello? Um, ambulance, as quick as you can, please British Telecom Never repair your phones Come on MARGARET: Victor! Who are you ringing? What's happened? It's old Mr Henstridge, we think he may have had a heart attack Right in the middle of one of his tricks, he just suddenly Hello? MARGARET: Leave it, leave it Everybody, just please leave it, we'll deal with it Just, everybody, please go! It's Mr Henstridge -We think it might be his heart -Yes, we know all about it And we'll deal with it If you'll just go Why don't you just leave it and come back for that later? Come on, out you Out you go! That's it, goodbye! Uh, how is he How is he, Jean? Is there anything there? I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere Oh, my God, Jean! Help me get his head back That's it Now then Wait a minute Just a second, dear How many has he got in here? Bloody things! -I think he's starting to respond, Margaret -Oh! Perhaps we should get him outside into some fresh air Okay Mr Henstridge, can you get up? -That's it -Good -That's it Here we go -Right Upsy-daisy MRS WARBOYS: Lean on me, that's it MARGARET: That's it MRS WARBOYS: Yes -That's it -Yes Good fellow (TOILET FLUSHING) (GROANING) Oh, no! His pulse doesn't seem too bad now Ambulances can take an eternity up here Maybe we should get him to the hospital ourselves Morning, Mrs Meldrew Anything I can do to help at all? What's happened? Is he dead? I feel just about ready to join him Ambulance said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet Would you keep that door closed! It's all under control We've managed to get him out of there And he seems to be all right Mr Swainey very kindly said he'd run him up to hospital just to be on the safe side You're going to be late for your next shift if you don't look lively Look, just go Jean and I will tidy up the mess Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later And I'm sorry about all this Right You ready? Right! (CAR HORN HONKING) Afternoon, Mr Meldrew You're still in one piece, then? Evidently Oh, by the way, your old gentleman Mr Henstridge was fine in the end They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty and I'm just trying to get him home now in time for tea What But This isn't Mr Henstridge This is Mr Matthews He hasn't got a weak heart This is the chap your wife asked me to take down to the hospital Asked you to take down Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then? When I left him, he Oh, I don't believe it -You don't mean he's still inside the trunk! -What? Did nobody explain there what happened? He asked us to chain him up inside, said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat After 1 0 minutes it all went quiet, then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock I told them to keep searching while I went for an ambulance I mean, surely to goodness someone must have Oh, my God! He's been in there now for five bloody hours! Now, what did she say? This one's mayonnaise this one's blue cheese, and I think this one's Thousand Island -So what's this one then? -I think that's an ashtray, isn't it? Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me If you're going to keep making disgusting remarks all night, you're going to get this lot right in your face Can you see a butter knife at all? Well, there's bound to be one round here somewhere Yes, here we are I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails at night A combine harvester? You sure you won't join us for the evening? Victor's made enough chilli here to feed a regiment Thank you, Margaret, but I think I'd better get home and call you-know-who See how the investigation's been progressing Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow and then you'll find you've been worrying yourself over nothing at all, you'll see Yes Well, bye, Margaret Talk to you soon -Yes, if you feel like ringing, at any time -Oh, I will, yes! -Bye-bye -Bye Right then! Sorry about that Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet and I've still got a couple of things to see to in the kitchen, so you just make yourselves at home Yes, I'll just settle down and get comfortable sitting on this machete It's like spending an evening at the Munsters coming round here You wonder what nameless horror you're gonna come across next (MAN GROANING) (GROANING) (GROANING) Too grisly for words, surely to God What is it now? -Well, listen Listen to this -Let me out! Yes, very good You should be on The Paul Daniels Show.
Paul Da That wasn't me, you witless woman That wasn't an impromptu display of my ventriloquial dexterity, there's somebody in the bloody trunk Listen There's a body inside here What My God! (METALLIC RATTLING) I can hear chains rattling inside In the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he? MARGARET: Here we are, then I'm sorry, I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I? Now, what would you like? I think there's some martini, I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky (PHONE RINGING) (BEEPING) VICTOR: Margaret? It's me.
Look, I'm on my way home and I'm on Mr Swainey's car phone so I (VOICE CRACKLING ON PHONE) Mr Henstridge is still inside my big trunk in the sitting room, tied up in a sack with handcuffs on and everything (VOICE CRACKLING) out of there for God's sake, as soon as possible, before that gormless twerp and her husband next door show up, you know what they're like.
I don't know where the key is (VOICE CRACKLING) Oh, bugger this bloody (MACHINE BEEPS) Oh, God above! No, wait We need someone who can get this thing open (GROANING) WINDOW CLEANER: Oh, my God! What have I done to deserve this? (SOBBING) Yes, hello Could you put me through to the fire brigade, please? Did somebody here call us? No reply from the Warboys residence, they must be on their way Oh, I gave Mrs Henstridge a quick ring Said it'd be a while before his back straightens out but otherwise he's recovering quite well considering I don't know whether this was such a good idea I just thought if we could get the pair of them out for the evening, it might take her mind off this ridiculous -Ah! -Oh! Sorry I'm late Chris took the wrong turning on the new one-way system Oh, right So where is he, parking the car? No No, he won't be joining us He just gave me a lift here on his way to the office to collect some things It's all over between us, I'm afraid We talked it all through and decided it was for the best And as there didn't seem much point in in prolonging the agony, he's moving in with her tomorrow morning So it was true in the end? That woman next door but one? Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no Of course it wasn't That was me just barking up the wrong tree as usual Well, who's he moving in with? That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid The private detective The private Apparently he spotted her after the first couple of days, following him around They got chatting He said it was silly of them to keep taking two cars everywhere when they could both go in his Seems they just hit it off together straight away Everything's gone just as wrong as it could have really Yes, it generally does One thing you can be sure about in life, just when you think that things are never ever going to get better, they suddenly get worse Yes Although, right now, it's hard to imagine how (POPPING) All right, everybody, no need to panic! This is just a precaution Somebody upstairs has set fire to a tablecloth with his candle If you'd all like to exit through that door, we'll have it under control soon! # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #
Good evening to you, Patrick.
And what's your question for Mimsy Berkowitz? PATRICK: Well, it's a bit of a tricky one but, um, put simply, my wife and I live next door to a madman.
If I tell you a few weeks ago he put a specially trained crab up my shorts when I was asleep in the garden, and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it hanging between my legs, like a passenger on a tube train, uh, you'll get some idea of the problem.
What's tricky is that they've invited us round to their house tomorrow for a meal, to try and patch things up.
I just wonder if we should risk it? MIMSY: It does sound a delicate one, this.
But I think on balance, I would Is something wrong with this phone? Oh, sorry, yes! It only takes incoming calls at the moment They were supposed to have fixed it Is everything all right, Jean? You've been really fidgety all night Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down? Why, whatever is it? (LAUGHING) It's I think I'm going to be sick (LAUGHING LOUDLY) I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it I think Chris is having an affair Very good, very good An affair? Who with? You know the woman who lives two doors along from us, lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident? Well, a couple of weeks ago, this flew off her washing line and into my garden You see where all this The colour's been bleached out of the stripes down here, at the bottom? -Yes, but what's that got to do -Acne gel Sorry? It's what Chris puts on the back of his neck every night The stripes on his shirt collars are exactly the same Oh, Jean, you can't be serious His head's been on this pillow, Margaret I know it has I know you just think I'm being melodramatic and everything, but Well Perhaps we'll soon have some proof I've hired a private detective to follow him about, see if they go anywhere together I've got to find out, Margaret, one way or the other If I did find out he'd been Oh, I don't know what I'd do I think I I just might kill myself (GUFFAWING) Spam, spam, baked beans and spam That's very funny, very funny I know, Jean But you can't just Well Why don't you phone the conference hotel and put your mind at rest? Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow Well, Patrick and Pippa are coming in the evening And Victor's got his conjurer's group meeting here at half past Oh, God knows, Jean They all go round each other's houses once a week and fish a hanky out of a hat A cross between The Magic Circle and Dad's Army.
Yes, yes, all right, I will And do try to stop fretting Yes Okay, bye Are you coming to bed tonight or what? Remember you've got a job to go to tomorrow morning I'll be up in time for work I just want to test this out for tomorrow, make sure it's in working order Utterly pathetic Oh! I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going to start sawing himself in half again this time? Mr Henstridge? I'm not sure if he's coming He had a bit of a heart scare last week I thought we'd never get the stains out It's a good job we've got a red carpet is all I can say (POPPING) What happened there? That's not supposed to do that (FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING) I don't believe it! You can go down this time, I've had enough for one day -FIRE OFFICER: Exploded chip pan? -What? Excuse me, sir Can we get through, please? Come on, lads -Look! -Straight through I did not call the sodding fire brigade My house is not on fire, will you please go away! Oh, isn't it? Sorry, lads, as you were This is the third time this week your lot have been round I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate, we've got to take every call seriously Now then, you've no idea who these pranksters are that keep ringing us up? No! Presumably it's somebody I've annoyed in the past who's trying to get their own back MARGARET: We've drawn up a shortlist of 5,000 names! Yeah, right Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir Good night to you Good night! Bastards Morning, Mr Meldrew Keeping your bowels open? Sorry? Didn't see you there Sugar Frosties actually Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative in a job like that Busy old road, isn't it? How are you settling now, all right? Very well thank you Picked it up straight away, no problems of any kind Oh, good, good, that's nice, yes No one's said anything to you about Psycho Sam as yet, then? -(STUTTERING) Psycho Sam? -No, no, no, that's fine if they haven't There's no point in making you a bag of nerves before you start That's just what you don't want In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had his heavy goods licence withdrawn After what happened last Friday afternoon with your predecessor Last Fri What happened last Friday afternoon? What about my predecessor? Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie Nice old chap as well, yeah Very popular with the children Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie? What are you talking about? Anyway, I better scoot I've got to pop Auntie Ciss down the rodent control at 9:00 So see you about, I expect, and don't go worrying about articulated lorries, you'll be absolutely fine Articulated (FIRE ENGINE SIREN BLARING) Oh, a bit of a to-do out here by the looks of things Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew You got a lollipop man in here stuck inside a smoke-filled urinal? Oh, shit! I've got to dash I've put some coffee out if you want to help yourself -Your money's on the kitchen table -Champion Thanks very much Oh, you're off early Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do a couple of hours at the shop And then I'm seeing Jean for lunch I haven't had a minute to think about food for tonight Well, that's all right, I do them one of my specials Oh, are you sure? I think there's some mince in the fridge -I'll see you later! -Yes, bye! Ah, here we are What did I tell you, my horoscope for the day ''Do not under any circumstances go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's ''unless accompanied by a trained exorcist'' I would ring up and cancel but I suppose it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin Can you see an old dirty floor-cloth by the door? Um, yup Well, would you mind shoving it in your bloody mouth! Oh, very good, very good Mmm, I think this is going to be one of my good ones Now the magic formula Two ''tsps'' of chilli powder in a cup of water And one half ''tsp'' of cumin (DOORBELL RINGING) Harold, are you well? Come on in Good morning, Arthur, go and sit yourselves down I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight and I'll be right with you Oh, you need a hand with that I mean, what is it? Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure out of rowing with our neighbours? Yes Anyone would think we were living in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something, the way you carry on They're just a normal couple like you and me, trying to lead normal everyday lives (MAN SCREAMING) I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes Hello? Um, ambulance, as quick as you can, please British Telecom Never repair your phones Come on MARGARET: Victor! Who are you ringing? What's happened? It's old Mr Henstridge, we think he may have had a heart attack Right in the middle of one of his tricks, he just suddenly Hello? MARGARET: Leave it, leave it Everybody, just please leave it, we'll deal with it Just, everybody, please go! It's Mr Henstridge -We think it might be his heart -Yes, we know all about it And we'll deal with it If you'll just go Why don't you just leave it and come back for that later? Come on, out you Out you go! That's it, goodbye! Uh, how is he How is he, Jean? Is there anything there? I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere Oh, my God, Jean! Help me get his head back That's it Now then Wait a minute Just a second, dear How many has he got in here? Bloody things! -I think he's starting to respond, Margaret -Oh! Perhaps we should get him outside into some fresh air Okay Mr Henstridge, can you get up? -That's it -Good -That's it Here we go -Right Upsy-daisy MRS WARBOYS: Lean on me, that's it MARGARET: That's it MRS WARBOYS: Yes -That's it -Yes Good fellow (TOILET FLUSHING) (GROANING) Oh, no! His pulse doesn't seem too bad now Ambulances can take an eternity up here Maybe we should get him to the hospital ourselves Morning, Mrs Meldrew Anything I can do to help at all? What's happened? Is he dead? I feel just about ready to join him Ambulance said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet Would you keep that door closed! It's all under control We've managed to get him out of there And he seems to be all right Mr Swainey very kindly said he'd run him up to hospital just to be on the safe side You're going to be late for your next shift if you don't look lively Look, just go Jean and I will tidy up the mess Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later And I'm sorry about all this Right You ready? Right! (CAR HORN HONKING) Afternoon, Mr Meldrew You're still in one piece, then? Evidently Oh, by the way, your old gentleman Mr Henstridge was fine in the end They gave him a thorough going-over in casualty and I'm just trying to get him home now in time for tea What But This isn't Mr Henstridge This is Mr Matthews He hasn't got a weak heart This is the chap your wife asked me to take down to the hospital Asked you to take down Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then? When I left him, he Oh, I don't believe it -You don't mean he's still inside the trunk! -What? Did nobody explain there what happened? He asked us to chain him up inside, said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat After 1 0 minutes it all went quiet, then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock I told them to keep searching while I went for an ambulance I mean, surely to goodness someone must have Oh, my God! He's been in there now for five bloody hours! Now, what did she say? This one's mayonnaise this one's blue cheese, and I think this one's Thousand Island -So what's this one then? -I think that's an ashtray, isn't it? Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me If you're going to keep making disgusting remarks all night, you're going to get this lot right in your face Can you see a butter knife at all? Well, there's bound to be one round here somewhere Yes, here we are I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails at night A combine harvester? You sure you won't join us for the evening? Victor's made enough chilli here to feed a regiment Thank you, Margaret, but I think I'd better get home and call you-know-who See how the investigation's been progressing Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow and then you'll find you've been worrying yourself over nothing at all, you'll see Yes Well, bye, Margaret Talk to you soon -Yes, if you feel like ringing, at any time -Oh, I will, yes! -Bye-bye -Bye Right then! Sorry about that Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet and I've still got a couple of things to see to in the kitchen, so you just make yourselves at home Yes, I'll just settle down and get comfortable sitting on this machete It's like spending an evening at the Munsters coming round here You wonder what nameless horror you're gonna come across next (MAN GROANING) (GROANING) (GROANING) Too grisly for words, surely to God What is it now? -Well, listen Listen to this -Let me out! Yes, very good You should be on The Paul Daniels Show.
Paul Da That wasn't me, you witless woman That wasn't an impromptu display of my ventriloquial dexterity, there's somebody in the bloody trunk Listen There's a body inside here What My God! (METALLIC RATTLING) I can hear chains rattling inside In the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he? MARGARET: Here we are, then I'm sorry, I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I? Now, what would you like? I think there's some martini, I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky (PHONE RINGING) (BEEPING) VICTOR: Margaret? It's me.
Look, I'm on my way home and I'm on Mr Swainey's car phone so I (VOICE CRACKLING ON PHONE) Mr Henstridge is still inside my big trunk in the sitting room, tied up in a sack with handcuffs on and everything (VOICE CRACKLING) out of there for God's sake, as soon as possible, before that gormless twerp and her husband next door show up, you know what they're like.
I don't know where the key is (VOICE CRACKLING) Oh, bugger this bloody (MACHINE BEEPS) Oh, God above! No, wait We need someone who can get this thing open (GROANING) WINDOW CLEANER: Oh, my God! What have I done to deserve this? (SOBBING) Yes, hello Could you put me through to the fire brigade, please? Did somebody here call us? No reply from the Warboys residence, they must be on their way Oh, I gave Mrs Henstridge a quick ring Said it'd be a while before his back straightens out but otherwise he's recovering quite well considering I don't know whether this was such a good idea I just thought if we could get the pair of them out for the evening, it might take her mind off this ridiculous -Ah! -Oh! Sorry I'm late Chris took the wrong turning on the new one-way system Oh, right So where is he, parking the car? No No, he won't be joining us He just gave me a lift here on his way to the office to collect some things It's all over between us, I'm afraid We talked it all through and decided it was for the best And as there didn't seem much point in in prolonging the agony, he's moving in with her tomorrow morning So it was true in the end? That woman next door but one? Oh, what? Oh, no, no, no Of course it wasn't That was me just barking up the wrong tree as usual Well, who's he moving in with? That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid The private detective The private Apparently he spotted her after the first couple of days, following him around They got chatting He said it was silly of them to keep taking two cars everywhere when they could both go in his Seems they just hit it off together straight away Everything's gone just as wrong as it could have really Yes, it generally does One thing you can be sure about in life, just when you think that things are never ever going to get better, they suddenly get worse Yes Although, right now, it's hard to imagine how (POPPING) All right, everybody, no need to panic! This is just a precaution Somebody upstairs has set fire to a tablecloth with his candle If you'd all like to exit through that door, we'll have it under control soon! # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #