Open All Hours (1973) s04e06 Episode Script
The Mystical Boudoir Of Nurse Gladys Emmanuel
-Hey, j-jiggle it a bit.
Jiggle it.
-I am j-jiggling it a bit! Well, I'm stuck here.
Back now.
Forwards now.
Forwards.
I am forward! Ow! Put it down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) What's the matter with him? I've crushed me fer.
He's crushed his fair.
Oh, dear.
Bet that's nasty.
Hey, listen, y-y-you're a m-medical person, isn't there some small p-private ward you can take me to? Like your bedroom? You've got a large double front going to waste there, you know? I know, and I'm not having you lying all over it spoiling it.
Mean, m-moody and medicinal.
She's a hard nut to crack, is that one.
I shall n-never get near her bedroom, you know.
Not much point if you've crushed your fair.
Okay, this is a hijack! Take this milk float to 21 Arnold Road, Brighton.
-And then what? -There you'll be held as a hostage in exchange for 25 British errand boys.
What would I do with 25 British errand boys? Okay, I'm your prisoner.
Do with me what you will.
I haven't got time in the mornings.
I could come back later.
It's very striking.
You look like a desperate cornflake fanatic.
(GIGGLING) You don't seem to be g-getting on very fast with that m-milkwoman.
That's all right.
She's a bit nervous, that's all.
She's never seen me in daylight.
-She thinks I'm a creature of the dark.
-From 20,000 fathoms probably.
There's still no light on yet in a c-certain bedroom window.
The bedroom window I h-happen to be engaged to.
You'd think, wouldn't you, if only occasionally I might get the opportunity to look at them c-curtains from the other side.
Do you think I'm attractive to women? Only if they're looking for someone to work at 20,000 fathoms.
Maybe if I had a golden tan.
Not much chance of that, we never see daylight.
That's all I need, a t-t-tanned Hungarian.
You'd look like a l-lump of salami.
-Do you think I am part Hungarian? -Yes.
(BOTH) And we all know which part.
A race of lovers and horsemen.
And I have to pedal me virgin shop bike.
Have you any idea what that does to my Magyar roots? Have you tried lowering the seat a bit? Hey up! There it is! Oh, s-something is stirring in the b-boudoir of Nurse Gladys.
I wonder when it's gonna be me.
That's f-fresh from the oven.
What is it? I don't know, but if you've got any to spare, I'll take the lot.
I must say, as a g-grocer's fiancée, you couldn't be accused of underweight p-portions.
Hush up, you tomfool.
Me mother's in the next room.
You'll wake her up.
No, she'll n-not hear owt.
She's as deaf as me hat.
She picks up every vibration.
That's all we need, my l-love life on radar.
What do you want? No, forget I ever said that.
Just what did you think you might achieve throwing bricks at my window? Just think of it as customs and excise, my love.
I'm coming up later for a quick body search.
I bet I find one and all.
Go and have your breakfast.
Customs and excise.
Shh! Don't shout it about.
I'm working undercover.
Not under my cover, you're not! There you are.
2 7p change.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
-That's some till.
-Yes.
I know, I know.
You don't need a guard dog with a till as fierce that.
You don't have to tell me.
Got you! You what? Your mother's found a f-fly in a Chelsea bun? Well, I'm s-sorry, it's not our policy to exchange goods.
But I tell you what, if you bring the fly back, I-I'll give you a currant for it.
When are you gonna get me a new till? I w-wouldn't part with that till for all the tea in Ch-Ch-Ch.
For all the.
All the tea in Cher-Ch.
British Rail.
It's not parting with the till, it's parting with parts of yourself in the till that worries me.
It's getting some of your parts of yourself into your fiancée's bedroom that's occupying me.
She guards that room.
Anyone would think I was up to no good.
(LAUGHING) I can see where she might get that opinion.
All right.
Never mind the Hungarian jokes.
Just p-put the kettle on.
It really stretches you to the limit, does this job.
It's very difficult to become a sex symbol when you have to keep putting the kettle on.
I've had to suppress all my yearnings to become a fighter pilot.
I've never been on water skis.
Nouvelle cuisine is an absolute mystery to me.
And nobody has ever said to me, ''Granville, undo my zip, will you?'' Mind you, a girl did give me the keys to her flat once.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yes.
So I could in and feed her rotten budgie while she was away having a good time.
Other young men my age, you know, can undo a bra with one hand.
Me, I'd have to have an instruction book and a set of illustrations.
Have you g-got that tea on yet before you s-sit down there? Tea? Us Hungarians, we don't drink tea.
We drink plum brandy, the juice of the sun-kissed grape, schnapps.
Schnapps.
The only schnapps I get around here is from that damn till.
When are you going to get me a new till? I'll get you a new till when you get me v-visiting privileges to that rarest of t-tourist sites, the mystical boudoir of Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
Done.
Shake on it.
(GRANVILLE LAUGHING CONFIDENTLY) We're very good at that, us Hungarians, you know, shaking on it.
It's y-you, is it? That's what's been k-killing my antirrhinums.
Now don't forget the promise you just made.
I know you.
No, I won't forget it, I won't forget it.
But I'll tell you what, we've got to get a m-modus operandi.
Yeah.
What's that? It's Hungarian for fiddle.
Hey, maybe I could have been a gypsy violinist.
With them legs, it would have to be a cello at least.
Listen, I'm not talking about that sort of fiddle, you b-barmpot, I'm talking about a trick.
A trick, a subterf.
A subterf.
A f-fubters.
A fubtersuge.
A su-su-suserfub.
-A trick.
-Why didn't you say so? I was trying, wasn't it? Haven't you made that tea yet? Come on.
You Hungarians are v-very slow at making the damn tea.
Tea.
My samovar has not boiled yet.
Thank you.
Ber-burglars! Where? Granville! I didn't mean here and now, you g-great d-dripping.
Look what you've d-done with this here b-box.
Oh, look! It's a disaster area this, G-Granville.
You've made a right dollop of Mrs Dudley's buns.
Look at that.
No, to be fair, Mrs Dudley's buns were never m-much to write home about.
You've got all the p-piccalilli mixed up with the ch-chilli sauce, Granville.
It's not my fault.
How are we going to sell that? I mean, what are we going to call it? We gonna call it picca-chilli or ch-chilli-lilli? Get your cloth, will you? Go on.
-You are a right p-pillock, Granville.
-It's not my fault.
What would you do if you had some lunatic grocer leaping out at you shouting ''burglars?'' It wasn't just burglars, mind you, it's far more sinister than that.
You actually shouted ''Ba-ber-burglars''! This terrifying image of these great big fellows running at me wearing nothing but masks.
If that's not enough to make you drop your piccalilli, I don't know what is.
I meant ber-burglars is the answer.
The only way I'm going to get into Nurse Gladys' bedroom is when I am on ber-burglar patrol.
Burglar patrol? She's never gonna fall for that.
No, no, I'm p-perfectly genuine.
I'm going to make this a neighbourhood safe for state registered nurses to f-flourish in.
She'd be better off with the burglars.
She's v-very careless about her own p-personal safety.
Why, in the course of her n-nursely duties she has to go into dark places, the very thought of which makes your hair stand on end.
On b-both ends.
Are you listening to me, G-Granville? We're going to make her s-security-conscious.
What are we going to do? We're gonna make her more s-security-conscious.
That's a good lad.
We're going to teach her to lean upon her fiancé during the hours of d-darkness.
Yeah.
And we're going to get a new till.
You drive a hard Hungarian bargain, you do.
I wish you were m-more like your mother.
She never used to ch-charge for anything.
-Don't start dragging my mother into this.
-Why not? She was always b-being dragged into things.
Bushes mainly.
You.
One multi-function, pre-programmed, electronic, tamper-proof till with printout facility.
Wowee-wow, wow! Yes, you just take this.
-Right.
-Here you go.
Yes.
After you.
ARKWRIGHT: How much? We're getting a slightly cheaper model.
You do surprise me.
Oh, Nurse G-Gladys Emmanuel, you've got w-wonderful knees.
Naturally, my thoughts are above such things.
Keep taking two of the pink tablets three times a day.
-Have you locked your front door? -I always lock my front door.
You c-can't be too careful.
That's one of the first things I learnt on becoming engaged to an overactive grocer.
I hope you've got a security chain.
No, but I've got very strong elastic.
-On your front door? -On everything.
People are much too c-casual about the risk of burglary in this neighbourhood, Granville.
We've got to raise their level of awareness.
Aye, that's great.
''There he goes, that Granville, ''he really raises your level of awareness.
'' We've got to alert people to the p-perils of being robbed.
Listen, if people have been coming in here on a regular basis, they're already alert to the perils of being robbed.
Think of the service to the community, Granville.
All right.
How are we gonna do it? I'll show you how.
First of all, we've got to create the feeling of danger.
(SECURITY ALARM BLARING) It's not a burglar at all.
It's Mrs Fer-fer-fa-fa-Featherstone.
Don't worry, Mrs Featherstone, step inside before some swine makes a grab for your reticule.
Your p-purse, love.
Oh! That quite made my heart thump.
Can you see me bosom pounding? Well, I can see it half-pounding.
Trouble is, you see, with Nurse Gladys, I've got used to th-thinking in kilos.
Sit down, Mrs F-Featherstone, on this reduced camping stool and reduce it even more.
I never knew this area was infested with burglars.
Oh, if you only knew the heart-rending tales of unlawful entry that go on hereabouts.
And thereabouts.
-Is that true? -Of course it's true.
Would I deceive a customer? Lock your door, Mrs Featherstone, and spread the word.
Nobody's safe.
Now then, what little items can I interest you in this morning? -Where are you going, Mrs Feather -I'm going home to lock me door.
stone.
Will you let me finish? Can't you buy a f-few items here before you lock your door? There's g-gratitude for you.
-Yeah.
There's cocoa for you.
-Oh, thanks.
(CAR HORN HONKING) -What's that? -The new till! The cheaper model.
Hi.
-Is he in a better frame of mind? -He's promised me a new till.
-Is she still a beauty? -Oh, she is.
She's still a beauty.
Hey! Wow! What you've got here, at a much reduced price, is basically the same machine.
-Oh, aye.
-With fewer functions, naturally.
Naturally.
(ALARM BLARING) It's all right.
I'm quite a good catcher, you know.
Here you are.
How much? All right.
Haven't you got anything on special offer? -This was on special offer.
-It'll have to be more special than that.
-This is not a good idea.
-Look, Granville, it's simple.
All you've got to do is lurk around the back of the nurse's rear premises looking suspicious.
-I look stupid.
-You don't.
-You look all s-sinister and Hungarian.
-Hungarians don't look like this.
B-Badly dressed Hungarians do.
-I look like an idiot.
-Yes.
Oh, look, supposing I see a girlfriend? Look, girls are very clothes-conscious.
It's funny, your mother never had any trouble with clothes, except f-finding them again afterwards.
My mother's clothes are beside the point.
Oh, often.
And beside the railway line and all.
Listen, Granville, all you've got to do is rattle a few dustbins and she'll think you're a prowler.
Then she'll telephone for me, won't she? And then I'll have to go over there and protect her, won't I? Hello, Mrs Parsloe.
What were that? The managing director of War on Want.
A bit of a shock, isn't it, when you're not ready for it? It quite unnerved me for a minute.
I'll have a large washing-up liquid.
Yes, I think I'll join you.
Oh, I see.
Yes.
Can you weigh me half an ounce of snuff? He likes his snuff.
Yes.
Not quite enough to have the f-full ounce apparently.
Half an ounce is quite enough.
He gets it all over the damn place.
The cat gets more than he does.
You try to watch a bit of television and there's him and the damn cat sneezing.
One at your face, the other round your legs.
Yes, it's terrible having a cat sneezing in your face, isn't it? No, don't sneeze all over the b-bubblegum.
(DUSTBIN RATTLING) (WINDOW OPENING) There we are, Mrs P.
-1 7? -Yes.
-Is that all? -Things went up recently with a b-bump.
-When were that? -When I spilt that snuff.
Don't tell me it's raining.
No.
This time you look great, G-Granville.
I mean, I know you and you still terrify me.
And that's only f-from the back.
-You see? -I'm not going out like this.
Granville, you can't refuse to help drive an engaged person into the arms of their be-betrothed.
We doing it for her own s-security, G-Granville.
Look at me when I'm lying to you.
''There he goes,'' they'll say.
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) ''There he is, that Granville, he's wearing ladies' tights now.
'' That's a hell of a reputation to live down, isn't it? Only one glimpse from that face at the window, and she'll want me over there, won't she, in me best sympathetic mood.
And me b-best suit, and me b-best underwear with a monogram on the.
Never mind where I've got me monogram.
(BELL TINKLING) Get that, will you, G-Granville? Oh, it's Mrs Turnbull.
I get all the rotten jobs and now I've got to serve Mrs Turnbull.
(MRS TURNBULL SCREAMING) He's never gone out with that on, has he? Go away, Granville, I'm busy.
I'm sure it's just a f-figment of your imagination, Mrs Turnbull.
Oh, it seemed very real.
Hallucinations do, due to a lowering of the b-blood sugar.
Caused by persistent underspending, is that.
What you need is a little lash-out on a few luxury items now and again.
-It works w-wonders.
-Do you think so? Oh, I know so.
I've seen it time and time again.
You see, after all these years, I'm not just a grocer anymore, I'm more a kindly old sort of medicine man, really.
People don't think of this as a shop, more a sort of an insulting room.
C-Consulting room.
It's no use, I'm not frightening anybody.
Was it something I said, Mrs Turnbull? Granville, t-take those knickers off at once.
Look what you've done to these chocolates now.
Oh, it's my fault? Why is it always my fault? Everything's my fault.
I just do all the dirty jobs around here.
Honestly.
In the circumstances, it's very difficult for me to become a superstud.
You've made a right Sylvester Stallone of these chocolates.
It's very embarrassing for me, you know, with all these divorces about to have spent the best years of my life not even being a co-respondent.
Will you stop your moaning and get your money in the till? -The till? What for? -Them tights.
-She'll kill you.
-What? A lover bearing g-gifts? No way, she'll be over the moon th-that here I am, lecherous but game.
Prepared to risk life and limb up this stairway to paradise.
She'll open her heart to me, Granville, and I tell you, when she leans on that window ledge, it's like the well-stocked shelf of a supermarket.
You could never class them two as loss leaders, could you? -And all because the lady loves.
-Broken chocolates.
-It's the thought that c-counts, Granville.
-Not around here, it's you that counts.
''It's c-c-c-compound interest at 1 2 and a half ''pe-per-pa-pa-pa.
'' All right.
Never mind the imper-personations, Janet Brown.
Come on, let's get on with it.
I bet you fall off.
You're gonna fall off.
-Not on your nelly.
-Not on any part of me, I hope.
I'm going to introduce the Arkwright Safety Device Mark 1 .
Arkwright Safety Device Mark 1 ? What's that? I put me t-trouser belt round the ladder, you see.
It's as safe as houses.
Come on, let's get on with it.
You great dumb lummox! Get off me windowsill.
-What are people going to think? -Milk Tray, my love.
And tin tray to you.
Oh, Granville! Fetch the.
It's a wicked thing, is gravity in the wrong place.
Oh, dear.
It's good to get back to terra f-firma.
I thought me end was nigh.
My best end and all.
It's funny how helpless you feel dangling inches beneath the area's finest bosom.
And not a thing you can get a safe hold on.
And believe me, I did try.
Even in the depths of a very real predicament, I did try.
Jiggle it.
-I am j-jiggling it a bit! Well, I'm stuck here.
Back now.
Forwards now.
Forwards.
I am forward! Ow! Put it down.
Put it down.
Put it down.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) What's the matter with him? I've crushed me fer.
He's crushed his fair.
Oh, dear.
Bet that's nasty.
Hey, listen, y-y-you're a m-medical person, isn't there some small p-private ward you can take me to? Like your bedroom? You've got a large double front going to waste there, you know? I know, and I'm not having you lying all over it spoiling it.
Mean, m-moody and medicinal.
She's a hard nut to crack, is that one.
I shall n-never get near her bedroom, you know.
Not much point if you've crushed your fair.
Okay, this is a hijack! Take this milk float to 21 Arnold Road, Brighton.
-And then what? -There you'll be held as a hostage in exchange for 25 British errand boys.
What would I do with 25 British errand boys? Okay, I'm your prisoner.
Do with me what you will.
I haven't got time in the mornings.
I could come back later.
It's very striking.
You look like a desperate cornflake fanatic.
(GIGGLING) You don't seem to be g-getting on very fast with that m-milkwoman.
That's all right.
She's a bit nervous, that's all.
She's never seen me in daylight.
-She thinks I'm a creature of the dark.
-From 20,000 fathoms probably.
There's still no light on yet in a c-certain bedroom window.
The bedroom window I h-happen to be engaged to.
You'd think, wouldn't you, if only occasionally I might get the opportunity to look at them c-curtains from the other side.
Do you think I'm attractive to women? Only if they're looking for someone to work at 20,000 fathoms.
Maybe if I had a golden tan.
Not much chance of that, we never see daylight.
That's all I need, a t-t-tanned Hungarian.
You'd look like a l-lump of salami.
-Do you think I am part Hungarian? -Yes.
(BOTH) And we all know which part.
A race of lovers and horsemen.
And I have to pedal me virgin shop bike.
Have you any idea what that does to my Magyar roots? Have you tried lowering the seat a bit? Hey up! There it is! Oh, s-something is stirring in the b-boudoir of Nurse Gladys.
I wonder when it's gonna be me.
That's f-fresh from the oven.
What is it? I don't know, but if you've got any to spare, I'll take the lot.
I must say, as a g-grocer's fiancée, you couldn't be accused of underweight p-portions.
Hush up, you tomfool.
Me mother's in the next room.
You'll wake her up.
No, she'll n-not hear owt.
She's as deaf as me hat.
She picks up every vibration.
That's all we need, my l-love life on radar.
What do you want? No, forget I ever said that.
Just what did you think you might achieve throwing bricks at my window? Just think of it as customs and excise, my love.
I'm coming up later for a quick body search.
I bet I find one and all.
Go and have your breakfast.
Customs and excise.
Shh! Don't shout it about.
I'm working undercover.
Not under my cover, you're not! There you are.
2 7p change.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
-That's some till.
-Yes.
I know, I know.
You don't need a guard dog with a till as fierce that.
You don't have to tell me.
Got you! You what? Your mother's found a f-fly in a Chelsea bun? Well, I'm s-sorry, it's not our policy to exchange goods.
But I tell you what, if you bring the fly back, I-I'll give you a currant for it.
When are you gonna get me a new till? I w-wouldn't part with that till for all the tea in Ch-Ch-Ch.
For all the.
All the tea in Cher-Ch.
British Rail.
It's not parting with the till, it's parting with parts of yourself in the till that worries me.
It's getting some of your parts of yourself into your fiancée's bedroom that's occupying me.
She guards that room.
Anyone would think I was up to no good.
(LAUGHING) I can see where she might get that opinion.
All right.
Never mind the Hungarian jokes.
Just p-put the kettle on.
It really stretches you to the limit, does this job.
It's very difficult to become a sex symbol when you have to keep putting the kettle on.
I've had to suppress all my yearnings to become a fighter pilot.
I've never been on water skis.
Nouvelle cuisine is an absolute mystery to me.
And nobody has ever said to me, ''Granville, undo my zip, will you?'' Mind you, a girl did give me the keys to her flat once.
-Oh, yeah.
-Yes.
So I could in and feed her rotten budgie while she was away having a good time.
Other young men my age, you know, can undo a bra with one hand.
Me, I'd have to have an instruction book and a set of illustrations.
Have you g-got that tea on yet before you s-sit down there? Tea? Us Hungarians, we don't drink tea.
We drink plum brandy, the juice of the sun-kissed grape, schnapps.
Schnapps.
The only schnapps I get around here is from that damn till.
When are you going to get me a new till? I'll get you a new till when you get me v-visiting privileges to that rarest of t-tourist sites, the mystical boudoir of Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
Done.
Shake on it.
(GRANVILLE LAUGHING CONFIDENTLY) We're very good at that, us Hungarians, you know, shaking on it.
It's y-you, is it? That's what's been k-killing my antirrhinums.
Now don't forget the promise you just made.
I know you.
No, I won't forget it, I won't forget it.
But I'll tell you what, we've got to get a m-modus operandi.
Yeah.
What's that? It's Hungarian for fiddle.
Hey, maybe I could have been a gypsy violinist.
With them legs, it would have to be a cello at least.
Listen, I'm not talking about that sort of fiddle, you b-barmpot, I'm talking about a trick.
A trick, a subterf.
A subterf.
A f-fubters.
A fubtersuge.
A su-su-suserfub.
-A trick.
-Why didn't you say so? I was trying, wasn't it? Haven't you made that tea yet? Come on.
You Hungarians are v-very slow at making the damn tea.
Tea.
My samovar has not boiled yet.
Thank you.
Ber-burglars! Where? Granville! I didn't mean here and now, you g-great d-dripping.
Look what you've d-done with this here b-box.
Oh, look! It's a disaster area this, G-Granville.
You've made a right dollop of Mrs Dudley's buns.
Look at that.
No, to be fair, Mrs Dudley's buns were never m-much to write home about.
You've got all the p-piccalilli mixed up with the ch-chilli sauce, Granville.
It's not my fault.
How are we going to sell that? I mean, what are we going to call it? We gonna call it picca-chilli or ch-chilli-lilli? Get your cloth, will you? Go on.
-You are a right p-pillock, Granville.
-It's not my fault.
What would you do if you had some lunatic grocer leaping out at you shouting ''burglars?'' It wasn't just burglars, mind you, it's far more sinister than that.
You actually shouted ''Ba-ber-burglars''! This terrifying image of these great big fellows running at me wearing nothing but masks.
If that's not enough to make you drop your piccalilli, I don't know what is.
I meant ber-burglars is the answer.
The only way I'm going to get into Nurse Gladys' bedroom is when I am on ber-burglar patrol.
Burglar patrol? She's never gonna fall for that.
No, no, I'm p-perfectly genuine.
I'm going to make this a neighbourhood safe for state registered nurses to f-flourish in.
She'd be better off with the burglars.
She's v-very careless about her own p-personal safety.
Why, in the course of her n-nursely duties she has to go into dark places, the very thought of which makes your hair stand on end.
On b-both ends.
Are you listening to me, G-Granville? We're going to make her s-security-conscious.
What are we going to do? We're gonna make her more s-security-conscious.
That's a good lad.
We're going to teach her to lean upon her fiancé during the hours of d-darkness.
Yeah.
And we're going to get a new till.
You drive a hard Hungarian bargain, you do.
I wish you were m-more like your mother.
She never used to ch-charge for anything.
-Don't start dragging my mother into this.
-Why not? She was always b-being dragged into things.
Bushes mainly.
You.
One multi-function, pre-programmed, electronic, tamper-proof till with printout facility.
Wowee-wow, wow! Yes, you just take this.
-Right.
-Here you go.
Yes.
After you.
ARKWRIGHT: How much? We're getting a slightly cheaper model.
You do surprise me.
Oh, Nurse G-Gladys Emmanuel, you've got w-wonderful knees.
Naturally, my thoughts are above such things.
Keep taking two of the pink tablets three times a day.
-Have you locked your front door? -I always lock my front door.
You c-can't be too careful.
That's one of the first things I learnt on becoming engaged to an overactive grocer.
I hope you've got a security chain.
No, but I've got very strong elastic.
-On your front door? -On everything.
People are much too c-casual about the risk of burglary in this neighbourhood, Granville.
We've got to raise their level of awareness.
Aye, that's great.
''There he goes, that Granville, ''he really raises your level of awareness.
'' We've got to alert people to the p-perils of being robbed.
Listen, if people have been coming in here on a regular basis, they're already alert to the perils of being robbed.
Think of the service to the community, Granville.
All right.
How are we gonna do it? I'll show you how.
First of all, we've got to create the feeling of danger.
(SECURITY ALARM BLARING) It's not a burglar at all.
It's Mrs Fer-fer-fa-fa-Featherstone.
Don't worry, Mrs Featherstone, step inside before some swine makes a grab for your reticule.
Your p-purse, love.
Oh! That quite made my heart thump.
Can you see me bosom pounding? Well, I can see it half-pounding.
Trouble is, you see, with Nurse Gladys, I've got used to th-thinking in kilos.
Sit down, Mrs F-Featherstone, on this reduced camping stool and reduce it even more.
I never knew this area was infested with burglars.
Oh, if you only knew the heart-rending tales of unlawful entry that go on hereabouts.
And thereabouts.
-Is that true? -Of course it's true.
Would I deceive a customer? Lock your door, Mrs Featherstone, and spread the word.
Nobody's safe.
Now then, what little items can I interest you in this morning? -Where are you going, Mrs Feather -I'm going home to lock me door.
stone.
Will you let me finish? Can't you buy a f-few items here before you lock your door? There's g-gratitude for you.
-Yeah.
There's cocoa for you.
-Oh, thanks.
(CAR HORN HONKING) -What's that? -The new till! The cheaper model.
Hi.
-Is he in a better frame of mind? -He's promised me a new till.
-Is she still a beauty? -Oh, she is.
She's still a beauty.
Hey! Wow! What you've got here, at a much reduced price, is basically the same machine.
-Oh, aye.
-With fewer functions, naturally.
Naturally.
(ALARM BLARING) It's all right.
I'm quite a good catcher, you know.
Here you are.
How much? All right.
Haven't you got anything on special offer? -This was on special offer.
-It'll have to be more special than that.
-This is not a good idea.
-Look, Granville, it's simple.
All you've got to do is lurk around the back of the nurse's rear premises looking suspicious.
-I look stupid.
-You don't.
-You look all s-sinister and Hungarian.
-Hungarians don't look like this.
B-Badly dressed Hungarians do.
-I look like an idiot.
-Yes.
Oh, look, supposing I see a girlfriend? Look, girls are very clothes-conscious.
It's funny, your mother never had any trouble with clothes, except f-finding them again afterwards.
My mother's clothes are beside the point.
Oh, often.
And beside the railway line and all.
Listen, Granville, all you've got to do is rattle a few dustbins and she'll think you're a prowler.
Then she'll telephone for me, won't she? And then I'll have to go over there and protect her, won't I? Hello, Mrs Parsloe.
What were that? The managing director of War on Want.
A bit of a shock, isn't it, when you're not ready for it? It quite unnerved me for a minute.
I'll have a large washing-up liquid.
Yes, I think I'll join you.
Oh, I see.
Yes.
Can you weigh me half an ounce of snuff? He likes his snuff.
Yes.
Not quite enough to have the f-full ounce apparently.
Half an ounce is quite enough.
He gets it all over the damn place.
The cat gets more than he does.
You try to watch a bit of television and there's him and the damn cat sneezing.
One at your face, the other round your legs.
Yes, it's terrible having a cat sneezing in your face, isn't it? No, don't sneeze all over the b-bubblegum.
(DUSTBIN RATTLING) (WINDOW OPENING) There we are, Mrs P.
-1 7? -Yes.
-Is that all? -Things went up recently with a b-bump.
-When were that? -When I spilt that snuff.
Don't tell me it's raining.
No.
This time you look great, G-Granville.
I mean, I know you and you still terrify me.
And that's only f-from the back.
-You see? -I'm not going out like this.
Granville, you can't refuse to help drive an engaged person into the arms of their be-betrothed.
We doing it for her own s-security, G-Granville.
Look at me when I'm lying to you.
''There he goes,'' they'll say.
(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) ''There he is, that Granville, he's wearing ladies' tights now.
'' That's a hell of a reputation to live down, isn't it? Only one glimpse from that face at the window, and she'll want me over there, won't she, in me best sympathetic mood.
And me b-best suit, and me b-best underwear with a monogram on the.
Never mind where I've got me monogram.
(BELL TINKLING) Get that, will you, G-Granville? Oh, it's Mrs Turnbull.
I get all the rotten jobs and now I've got to serve Mrs Turnbull.
(MRS TURNBULL SCREAMING) He's never gone out with that on, has he? Go away, Granville, I'm busy.
I'm sure it's just a f-figment of your imagination, Mrs Turnbull.
Oh, it seemed very real.
Hallucinations do, due to a lowering of the b-blood sugar.
Caused by persistent underspending, is that.
What you need is a little lash-out on a few luxury items now and again.
-It works w-wonders.
-Do you think so? Oh, I know so.
I've seen it time and time again.
You see, after all these years, I'm not just a grocer anymore, I'm more a kindly old sort of medicine man, really.
People don't think of this as a shop, more a sort of an insulting room.
C-Consulting room.
It's no use, I'm not frightening anybody.
Was it something I said, Mrs Turnbull? Granville, t-take those knickers off at once.
Look what you've done to these chocolates now.
Oh, it's my fault? Why is it always my fault? Everything's my fault.
I just do all the dirty jobs around here.
Honestly.
In the circumstances, it's very difficult for me to become a superstud.
You've made a right Sylvester Stallone of these chocolates.
It's very embarrassing for me, you know, with all these divorces about to have spent the best years of my life not even being a co-respondent.
Will you stop your moaning and get your money in the till? -The till? What for? -Them tights.
-She'll kill you.
-What? A lover bearing g-gifts? No way, she'll be over the moon th-that here I am, lecherous but game.
Prepared to risk life and limb up this stairway to paradise.
She'll open her heart to me, Granville, and I tell you, when she leans on that window ledge, it's like the well-stocked shelf of a supermarket.
You could never class them two as loss leaders, could you? -And all because the lady loves.
-Broken chocolates.
-It's the thought that c-counts, Granville.
-Not around here, it's you that counts.
''It's c-c-c-compound interest at 1 2 and a half ''pe-per-pa-pa-pa.
'' All right.
Never mind the imper-personations, Janet Brown.
Come on, let's get on with it.
I bet you fall off.
You're gonna fall off.
-Not on your nelly.
-Not on any part of me, I hope.
I'm going to introduce the Arkwright Safety Device Mark 1 .
Arkwright Safety Device Mark 1 ? What's that? I put me t-trouser belt round the ladder, you see.
It's as safe as houses.
Come on, let's get on with it.
You great dumb lummox! Get off me windowsill.
-What are people going to think? -Milk Tray, my love.
And tin tray to you.
Oh, Granville! Fetch the.
It's a wicked thing, is gravity in the wrong place.
Oh, dear.
It's good to get back to terra f-firma.
I thought me end was nigh.
My best end and all.
It's funny how helpless you feel dangling inches beneath the area's finest bosom.
And not a thing you can get a safe hold on.
And believe me, I did try.
Even in the depths of a very real predicament, I did try.