Parks and Recreation s04e06 Episode Script

Miss Leslie Knope, I present to you Herb Scaifer.
Again, Andy, you don't need to bow.
As you wish, ma'am.
Okay, Herb, what can I do you for? Well, please prepare yourself.
I have terrible news.
You do? The world is going to end tomorrow at dawn.
Aw nuts.
You sure it's tomorrow? Afraid so.
Right at dawn.
Zorp is going to be here to free you from your flesh.
For a while in the 1970s, our town was run by a freaky cult.
And every few years the remaining members predicted the world's gonna end.
And they have an all-night vigil in the park.
It's super annoying.
Turns out when you think the world's ending, you don't aim so carefully in the port-a-potties.
Why does the cult call themselves "The Reasonableists"? Well, they figure if people criticize them it'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable.
That's weirdly brilliant.
Look, there's nothing to worry about.
They've said that the world is going to end 15 times.
And the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow.
- That was a tragic day.
- Hmm.
Live strong.
In any rate, I think Ben and I should accompany you tonight.
Oh, I don't think we have to do that.
No, no, no, I insist.
These people live on planet nutbrain.
I live on planet nut bran.
Bran and nuts are very helpful for your colon! Well, it looks like we're kind of forced to hang out with each other.
Yeah, listen, I'll--I'll come for a bit, but if it's okay with you, I'm not going to stay.
It's just, you know, still kind of weird, right? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, mm-hmm, totally get it.
Definitely get it.
Ben and I don't hang out much these days.
Big deal, lots of people don't hang out.
Jerry and April.
Obama and Madonna, probably.
We're in good company.
Hello! So it looks like we'll each end up with about $5,000 apiece.
Stop.
We get five g's each? That's amazing! You started out with 450,000.
Entertainment720 is dead.
It's up in company heaven.
Along with pets.
com, Blockbuster and askjeeves.
My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.
So what's next, Tommy Davidson? I say we invest our ten large and then I "accidentally" get run over by a city bus and we start our own hip-hop label.
We have this place for one more night, right? We're outtie tomorrow at noon.
What if we took every dime we had left, threw one last party.
Made it the essence of everything we wanted the company to be.
A party For the end of the world.
Shh! You had me at "every dime we have left.
" Because I'm in like Lara Flynn Boyle from The Practice.
Dilly dilly dilly dilly dilly dilly dilly swag! What should we do tonight? I don't know, I just figure we'll just order some pizza.
You watch me play Xbox, and then I could watch you make some prank phone calls? We get hammered? Make out? We do that every night.
That's because repetition is the key to a good marriage.
Let's do something weird.
Come on, it could be the last night on earth.
We could do something off my bucket list.
You have a bucket list? Catch the winning touchdown at the super bowl.
Make the most amazing grilled-cheese sandwich ever.
Win the lottery.
Ride a unicycle.
Invent something.
I'd like to remake the movie Shazaam with Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie and I'd like to get it right.
Go skydiving.
Outrun a hippo.
Fly first class on plane.
And when people are walking by, be like this.
All right, well, this is what we're doing tonight.
- Wait, which one? - This one.
And how much is left in the bank account? and four cents.
Whoa! Still a lot left over.
Okay, you wanted to hold $1,000 cash in your hands, that's super disappointing.
Yes! Now this is what I imagined! Have you ever seen this much cash in your entire life? I just handed it to you.
Nickels! I want nickels.
- A billion nickels! - No, Andy.
Evening, gentlemen.
- Hey, Ron! - Hail Zorp.
It is a beautiful night for the end of the world.
Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.
The Zorpies are ridiculous.
But, like the founding fathers, I believe in absolute freedom of religion.
Also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes.
I happen to make flutes in my wood shop.
Flutes are $80 apiece.
And recorders are 150.
Hey, they're beautiful.
Would you take a check? - You can cash it tomorrow.
- Sure.
Welcome to E720's end of the world celebration.
The entire party's a VIP area.
There's also a double VIP area.
A triple VIP area.
And the Centurion Club elite VIP area.
Sponsored by Sobe Lifewater.
No one's allowed in there, not even us.
Uh- uh.
We also hired ten huge, scary bouncers with earpieces.
- What up, Keith? - Mmm.
He actually once tossed me out of a club three years ago.
Water under the bridge.
DJ Bluntz is mixing up some new beats.
Ballers and ballerettes, fasten your seatbelts.
The perfect party begins Clink! Now.
Thank God.
No one shows up to a good party on time.
If anybody actually showed up right now, the whole party would have been ruined.
It would have been a disaster.
I don't want to go to that party.
Does the city consider them a threat to public safety? Oh, not at all, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.
So I shouldn't interpret anything from the fact that there are two people from the city manager's office here? Well, nothing except that I had nothing better to do.
Which probably says more about me than them.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Headline idea.
"It's the end of the world as they know it, but Pawnee feels fine.
" - It's a little long.
- Okay, "Zorp Shmorp! "Doomsday prediction falls flat "as citizens spend pleasant evening enjoying one of Pawnee's finest parks.
" Somehow longer.
Right, okay let's go with the first one.
Great, um, hey, also He's cute.
Is he single, do you know? Chris? No.
He's actually dating Jerry's daughter.
Oh, no sorry, I meant Ben.
What's his story? - Who? - Ben? I-I don't know.
I--I'm not s-- I'm not sure.
He's, um, a man and he's a worker.
And he is--uh, we've never discussed sex, so It's--we've always just been very businesslike, so Your guess is as good-- nay, better than mine.
The end.
By Leslie Knope.
Okay.
Cool, thanks.
H--happy to help.
What's happening? The world is ending.
Oh boy, I know how this goes.
I know how Shauna operates.
She smiles, and then they fall in love, and then they get married, and then she changes her name to Shauna Malwae-Wyatt.
Or he's going to be really progressive and change his name to Ben Wyatt-Malwae-Tweep.
God, I am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that.
I'm gonna remind you that the reason you're not dating him is because you decided to run for city council.
Oh, so just because I can't go out with him, someone else can? - Oh, boy, okay.
- Wow.
Okay, I'm sure this is nothing.
Okay, well, that was definitely something.
- Oh.
My God.
- I know that move.
They're gonna have sex in five minutes.
I've gotta stop this.
I've got to keep them away from each other for the rest of their lives.
- How are you gonna do that? - Unclear! Oh, yeah, ten bucks! That counts as winning the lottery.
Okay, now is this the most amazing grilled-cheese sandwich ever made? Mmm, it's pretty awesome.
Honey, my bucket list doesn't say "make a pretty awesome grilled-cheese sandwich.
" Gotta go back to the store.
We're gonna get a different kind of cheese.
No, no, no, dude, seriously.
This is the most amazing grilled-cheese sandwich ever made, okay? Okay.
What's next? Hey, there you are.
Wow, you two are still talking? Ben hasn't bored you to death by now.
- Hey.
- So boring.
Actually, we were having a really great talk.
- Keep your pants on.
- What? I mean, keep your pants on, girl! I mean, those are really nice pants.
I really like your pants.
Where'd you get them? Do you want to go buy some more pants? Or, um, walk away from here? I might head over to that end of the world party.
Oh, that's where all the losers are going.
Yeah, what is that? Tom emailed me.
- I could check that out.
- Hurrrrr Well, then you should stay here then.
Because you can't go.
I mean, what if you're not here when Zorp shows up? Boy, would your face be red.
When Zorp shows up, your faces will be melted off and used as fuel.
You want to be here for that.
I think I'll take my chances.
Leslie, thanks as always.
Wow.
What an unbelievably unpleasant person.
Melissa, get in there - with your bad self.
- All right.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
Anything you grab is yours to keep.
Hit it! Yes! The perfect party.
It's an elusive idea.
People have to be completely entertained from the moment they walk in, to the moment they leave.
It's a grand experiment.
And I am a party scientist.
Welcome to my laboratory.
That was Symphony for the Righteous Destruction of Humanity in E minor.
By the late Lou Prozotovich.
Reminder.
These flutes are available for purchase.
You can't take it with you people.
Herb, I just speed-read both of your books.
- Ooh.
- And, full disclosure, I think they're bonkers-filled.
But I did notice that you're interested in reincarnation.
Tell me about that.
Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? From the universe, we emerge.
Into the universe, we return.
And there are infinite forms we can take in infinite universes.
What a lovely thought.
Well, this morning at dawn, you will take a new form.
That of a fleshless, chattering skeleton when Zorp the surveyor arrives and burns your flesh off with his volcano mouth.
That was very strange what you just said.
I don't like it as much as that other thing you said.
Oh.
Hey, hey, where you going? Where you headed off to? Do you want to play a fun game with me that I made up called chess-risk? It's half chess, half risk and takes like 15 hours to play.
Okay, yeah, I think I'm gonna go.
- I--okay.
- All right? - Oh, my God! - What? I forgot I have a thing I need to show you.
Oh.
I need to bring you there right now it's so amazing.
It's going to freak you out.
It's, uh, it's something that we need to get in my car and go to, so let's do that.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Leslie, where are you going? I'm going to the thing that I told you about with Ben.
No spoilers, Ann.
She's been there before.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
What's up, what's up? Are you guys having a good time tonight? I think we've gotta take things to the next level.
Drum line, hit it! - Okay, I'm ready! - Good.
Wait! I'm not ready.
Super scared.
Andy, you said you wanted to be an action star.
This is your chance.
Okay.
Okay, you, Natalie, follow the action.
What do I have to do? Just hold up this butter knife to my throat and pretend like you're holding me hostage.
- What? - Ready! I don't know.
It seems a little crazy.
Just crazy enough to work.
Aah! Ahh! Oh, my face! My face! Is fine, Mikhail Petrov! Forget it, Macklin, you're too late-- - I'm sorry, guys.
- Jerry! I need my cheaters.
I cannot see anyth-- you're doing really good, you're doing really good.
- Really? - Yeah.
Help me, Agent Macklin, help me! He's stolen my jewels, and now he's going to ravish my body and he stinks, he really stinks! Okay, Janet Snakehole belongs to mother Russia now.
Oh, that's what you think! - No.
- I hope you like pain! - What are you doing? - Pow! Say the line.
Looks like this Siberian husky is going to be Russian off to jail.
Hey, know what, can I go? Gayle is making a roast.
Ugh.
We've already been down this street.
Just out of curiosity, where's your favorite place to go like ever? Well, I don't know.
Tom's party sounded kind of fun.
Here we are! We're at the special place! Well, here we are.
What do you think? Are you gonna murder me and bury me at this gas station? No, this is a great gas station.
This gas station was owned by Mick Jagger.
Uh-huh.
I came across some financial records when I was doing some research for my book, and this gas station was owned by an M.
Jagger, which at first I thought was a woman.
Maybe Meg or something, but I think the most likely explanation is that legendary Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger owned this gas station from 1951 to 1958.
I know what you're doing, Leslie.
I'm showing you a part of Rock and Roll history.
You--you can't do this.
You know we broke up.
And I kind of feel like we shouldn't Hang out together, just the two of us.
Because every time we do, it just makes it harder.
You know? Okay.
Okay.
I think we've done everything on the list that we can actually do.
What about this? Oh, my God, that would be awesome.
- It's impossible.
- No, it isn't.
We have $1,000 in our bank account, and we're young and irresponsible.
I mean, our car would break down.
There's no way we could even get there.
So I'll steal my dad's car.
Look, this is a stupid idea, but right at this exact second, we have enough momentum to do something stupid before we realize how stupid it is.
You are absolutely right.
No thinking, just stupid.
Yes! Buddhists feel that human beings are unlikely to be reincarnated as human beings.
So the problem with reincarnation is that you could be reborn as a pretzel.
Or a socket wrench.
Ron, if you could be reincarnated, what would you like to be? Socket wrench sounds pretty good, actually.
What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [Bleep.]
Business.
I think the danger in believing in reincarnation is that you spend so much time trying to figure out what you're going to be in the next lifetime that you forget to enjoy the one you're in now.
Ann Perkins that was beautiful.
Drum lines, personalized gift bags, tigers.
This is the best party I've ever been to.
And I'm not just saying that.
For real, T.
T.
, think about it, man.
It's pretty great.
But it's not perfect.
Tom.
Hey, Lucy, what are you doing here? Jean-Ralphio called me and told me that this was a very special occasion and I should come down.
It's nice to see you.
Yeah, good to see you too.
Want to go dance? Yeah, yeah! Uh, give me a minute.
Okay.
I can't believe you called her for me.
That's really nice of you, man, for real.
Thanks.
No, no, no, thank you.
I mean for everything.
I actually forgot they ever dated.
I was trying to hit that.
Dawn is nigh! Zorp the surveyor approaches, and all earthly debts will be repaid.
Last call for doughnuts.
Can I speak with you about a personal matter? Normally, no.
But given there's only 20 minutes until the end of human existence Also, no.
I lost my mind tonight.
I tried to screw up even the potential of Ben dating someone else.
Did you not hear me when I said no? Oh, we broke up because of me.
But I have to tell you, Ron If the world was ending tomorrow, I'd want to be with him.
Well, that's significant.
Problem is, Leslie, the world's not ending tomorrow.
The sun's going to rise right over there.
It'll be a regular Friday, and you'll be in the exact same position you were in before.
I know.
It's just the thought of him with someone else is making me miserable.
If it makes you feel any better, Leslie, we'll all be dead in 20 minutes.
That does make me feel better.
Thank you, Herb.
- We did it! - Yay! This car is nice! How long you think it'll take us? Uh, the map says 30 hours but I drive really fast.
- 30 hours? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, crap! I didn't bring any music.
No! I'll tell you what.
You play whatever you want, I'm just going to take a real quick snooze for like 12 hours so I'm fresh.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
If you're too drunk to drive, please take one of our shuttles home.
Valet service will drop your car off later today.
If you're one of our designated drivers, please take a "thank you" bag.
And enjoy the giant bows I put on your car.
- Hey! - Hey.
- It's great seeing you.
- You too.
Are, uh, you sticking around for a bit, or Nah, I'm heading to Bloomington right now.
- Oh.
- Grad school's fun, but I do miss this town.
- Yeah.
- What's wrong? I don't know.
After this is done, I'm gonna be broke, and I'm not gonna have a job.
Well, if it's any consolation, this was honestly the best party I've ever been to.
Hey, it was pretty great.
I-I was really aiming for something-- I'll see you around.
Whoo.
You saw that.
You saw that too.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep thinks you're cute.
- What? - That's why I took you to Mick Jagger's abandoned gas station.
Because she thinks you're cute, and I was afraid you guys were gonna make out and have babies, and I had no right to do that to you or your future children.
And it wasn't until just now that I realized the romantic part of our relationship is over.
So I'm sorry.
And, uh, why don't you tell Shauna to make herself decent and I'll apologize to her as well.
Oh, well, Shauna's not here.
- Oh.
- See what I did? - I do.
- I'm very sneaky.
Okay, okay, well.
It's so much more beautiful than I could have ever even imagined.
Yeah.
I'm trying to find a way to be annoyed by it, but Coming up empty.
Thank you so much.
I never would have ever done this without you.
Thank you.
Where's all the faces? Like the presidents.
All the scholarly work that I did on these texts? Indicated that the world would end.
Oh, gosh, I'm as disappointed as you are, Herb.
Yeah, but I went home and began to reevaluate the texts.
You don't say.
And I realized that I'd made some crucial errors well, math is hard.
Yes, well, the actual end of the world is May 19.
Okay, let's see what we've got.
Um, oh, on the 19th we can't give you the park.
We have a Spring spectacular free ice cream giveaway.
Heh! I misspoke.
Yeah, it's May 20? That is free.
- Ah! - Okay.
End of World, May 20th.