Rescue Me s04e06 Episode Script
Balance
Previously on rescue me Jerry was a great guy and a great firefighter, and I got big shoes to fill.
Call me chief sid, chief sidney, chief whatever.
Just don't call me chief feinberg.
Ok, word on the street from very reliable sources, the guy's hung like seabiscuit.
What is going on with you and tommy? It is seriously freakin' me out.
What are you talkin' about? You're wearin' the same stupid peacoat that he wears all the time.
It's like you're turning into tommy gavin.
I think that we owe it to each other to put the sex on hold, and let's see what we really have.
And to safeguard against the very real possibility that without a breather, my dick's gonna snap off like a twig.
I want us to be together forever.
Aw, I'll see what I can do about that.
- The chick I been seein', man - Yeah.
She took my little girl, man.
She took keela.
Aw, man.
You know how I need to stay here for a couple of days? Think it might be a little longer than that.
Yeah, it's all good.
Whatever you need, bro.
All right, cool.
Thanks.
I want you to give me that baby.
You're crazy.
No, no, I-I hate it when you call me crazy.
Just listen to me.
I love this baby, and that baby loves me.
I was hopin' that¡ª Will you marry me? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Yes!Yes, I will marry you, franco.
Yes.
All I wanna do is fight fires and play ball.
We're definitely interested.
I don't mop nothing, shine nothing, cook nothing, clean nothing.
I don't run errands, make beds, and I don't hump equipment.
So in other words, you don't do probie work.
- Right.
Do not call me probie.
- You got it.
His hair is black doesn't necessarily mean that he's definitely johnny's kid, right? Whose is he, then? You tell me.
Just go to hell.
You must be the new probie, huh? I'm shawn.
Um, it's time for some coffee there, black shawn.
I think you probably already know how to make coffee.
That's like probie 101, right? Ok, man, I don't know shit about makin' coffee, all right? I don't drink it.
Jangles my nerves.
- Jangles your nerves? - Yep.
Really? Let me tell you somethin', pal.
I don't give a good goddamn whether you like coffee or not.
I like coffee.
That's the important fact here, ok? And you're gonna be black shawn, 'cause we already have a white sean who works in this house, ok, and he's got seniority over you, all right? No.
I'm not gonna be black shawn.
Just shawn, all right? Let me tell you somethin', asshole.
- You're gonna do what we tell you to do.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What's up, guys? Get your feet off the table.
- What's goin' on- - Hey, man.
You must be the new probie.
I'm on the basketball team with you.
- I'm-I'm sean.
- No, I'm shawn.
You gotta find a new name, son.
You just call him "son"? Where do you get off callin' him son? - Hey, shawn.
- What up, lou? Hey, asshole! I'm talkin' to you.
- What- - I don't understand.
You know, I-I'm not even workin' today.
- Hey, hey, whoa.
- Ah, ah, ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
This better be a gag.
I just asked that kid to make me coffee, and he refused.
Yeah.
And I don't know if you heard him.
He told me I had to- I had to change my- Yeah, we, uh-we had to make a little, you know, arrangement.
What kind of an arrangement? Hey, uh, lou, I got the soap and the mop.
Ok.
- Franco.
- Yeah? Was that just a mop I saw in your hands? Naw.
I- - yeah.
It was a mop.
- Ok, you haven't had a mop in your hands since bill clinton was gettin' blow jobs in the white house, and you haven't been involved in cleaning the rig since huey lewis last had a hit single, so what's goin' on? Ok, look.
All right, we ran into some other houses who had promised certain perks during the negotiation process, so in order for us to get the kid to this house, we had to make some promises, you know, of our own.
Such as? Um, you know, he doesn't cook.
He doesn't clean.
He doesn't scrub.
He doesn't shine.
- He doesn't get his balls busted.
- What does he do? Uh, he, uh, plays hoops is what he does.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And fights fires.
And, uh, you gotta change your name, bro.
Yeah.
Why? Well, he wants to be called shawn.
Yeah.
Even though his, uh, real name is, uh- - is bart.
- Right? Well, why can't he just be, you know, black shawn, and I'll be, you know, me? Because he, uh-he just really doesn't wanna do that.
Well, tough shit.
It's my god-given name.
Yeah, but he averages 30 points and 12 dimes a game, bro.
Wow.
Really? 30 points? Yeah.
Jesus.
Ok.
You know what? I'll-I'll make the coffee.
Ah.
All right, I've had a problem with this basketball thing since you brought it back up again.
- Well, you know, this is the reason why - You puttin' the team back together again.
- I didn't tell you about this thing.
- What? What's the reason why? Because it's all you and your hockey, and your hockey- I never made a promise to anybody that was on the hockey team that they didn't have to do any work at the firehouse! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Not even siletti got a free ride! - All right!All right!All right! Jesus.
Now, listen.
If you guys wanna call me somethin' different, I think that-that you should give me a cool nickname, you know, like, uh-like killer.
That's cool, right? - Yeah.
- Excuse me.
No? All right, well- We'll, uh-we'll just call you garrity.
How about that? Yeah, no, that's so impersonal.
You know, I want somethin'- All right.
Well, maybe we should call you by your middle name.
Yeah, what's your middle name? - My middle name? - Yeah.
You know, I think that, uh- actually, I kind of like garrity.
Garrity's fine.
Let's stick with that.
Aw, jesus.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Great.
So we're gonna need to get that middle name from you.
Yeah, you know, it's so funny.
I don't-I don't even have - a middle name.
- Oh, you don't? - Really? - My parents, when they- Oh, well, that's fine.
Lou, why don't you jump on the computer and check the department files - about- - I'm on my way.
It's not-you're not gonna find anything.
- I'm back.
- Ok.
It's, um leslie.
Yeah.
Enjoy.
Ok? Leslie? Leslie leslie? - It's like a dream come true.
- It really is.
- Guys, it's irish.
- Oh, it's not irish.
- It's irish.
- I'm irish.
- Never heard of it.
- It means "warrior prince" - in irish-or gaelic.
- They named you after a girl.
All right, it's my mother's sister's name, and she loved her very much, so could you just please not call me that? Look, look, guys, you know, maybe it isn't fair.
Maybe he's-he's got a point.
You know, here's the deal.
Here's what we should do.
We're all gonna get new nicknames, ok, except me, 'cause I'm lou, you know, based on my official rank.
And in the event of a disagreement or a tie, I will cast the deciding vote on what that new nickname will be.
- Is that all right with you, tom? - Yeah.
- Ok.
Frankie? - Yes, sir.
All right.
Leslie- I'm sorry, ballsack.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hello.
That's a nice greeting.
Where'd you go to charm school? The russell crowe academy.
What do you want? Um, I was just wondering, um, if you've, uh, given any more thought to my offer, you know, of giving me the baby, which i know sounds a little weird.
Yeah, yeah.
A little weird, not to mention morally insane.
You know, I'm sorry that it sounds so cold, but jesus christ, he doesn't even have a name yet.
I'll tell you somethin' else.
If you wanna feel sorry, I'll tell what you should feel sorry about is giving me that bullshit story about how I couldn't get it up the night of the fire, just so you could get your hands on the insurance money, and now you're gonna use that insurance money to try and buy my- my son or my brother's son or whatever the hell he is, huh? Why don't you feel sorry about that? Great.
That helped.
Proudly Presents Season 4 Episode 06 "Balance" Hey, mikey.
Listen, let's go over their names, the nicknames I got, ok? How 'bout big G.
? Oh, you know what? Even better, G.
Money, you know, 'cause I'm like so money on the basketball court.
Huh? What do you think? Mikey? Just a sec.
What are you doin'? - Hey.
- Hey.
- What's goin' on? - Nothing.
- Just straightenin' stuff up.
- Yeah.
- Well, what's- - ai! - Why was the door locked? - I don't know.
Maybe it locked by accident or somethin', G.
Money.
- Hey, you like it? - Yeah.
It's-it's ok.
Yeah, do me a favor.
Start callin' me G.
Money around the firehouse, you know.
See if it sticks.
I'm sick and tired of this leslie shit.
- Ok, cool.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Ok, cool.
- After you.
- G-go ahead.
- No, I'm bein' gentlemanly.
- No, you go first.
Oh, my-weirdo.
You're weird.
All right, where is it? - Where's what? - You know what.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
You mean that? Yes.
Thank you.
Ok, where are the batteries? Well, you might find that, uh, most of the double "a" batteries, uh, in this house have mysteriously disappeared.
Look, I thought we were supposed to be having a break from the sex, ok, getting to know each other.
It has taken me 35 years to start having sex.
Don't make me feel dirty for having an appetite.
Most guys, you know, they would-they would kill to be in your shoes.
Look, let's not fight, ok? Ok.
- I don't-I don't- - I do.
- I don't wanna do that either.
- Oh, my god.
Ok? Ok, listen.
Listen.
My cousin mike is coming over for a couple days, ok? I don't want there to be a lot of tension in this house.
What?When were you going to tell me that? I was gonna tell you this morning.
That was before I met your little plastic boyfriend.
Oh, that is great.
That is really-you were-uhh.
It's just for a couple days.
He's putting his boat in the water for fishing season, ok? Will you please-will you just please try to be nice? - You want me to be nice? - Yeah.
You want me to be nice? You know what, then? You had better pray that those double as reappear, because otherwise, you're gonna see a new version of bitch.
- Got that, big boy? - Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.
All right, katy, come on.
You're gonna be late.
Hurry up.
Where's her lunch? - Honey.
- Yeah? Where's her lunch? Oh.
Um, yeah.
No, I forgot that this morning.
She can just grab something at school.
The food at school tastes like poo.
Oh, how would you know what poo tastes like? - I use my imagination.
- Ok, do me a favor.
Use your imagination for something a little bit more constructive, like reading or writing.
Take that and that, ok? All right, have a good day.
Say good-bye to your brother.
He smells like poo.
He's supposed to smell like poo.
He's a baby.
- All right? - Yeah, yeah, good-bye.
Bye.
- You ok? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
All right.
I'm gonna go.
You're all set? Yep.
See ya.
Hey, gather round.
We got some new uniforms here.
- All right.
- Nice.
Check it out, boys.
Chief sprung for 'em.
What's going on? Chief got, uh, some new uniforms for the basketball team.
Sweet, huh? You know the hockey team's been tryin' to get new uniforms for, like, 5 years.
We have a serious shot at winning this championship.
Never liked hockey, anyways.
Always reminded me of figure skating.
You know, kinda faggy.
Yeah.
You know, plus you gotta put all that equipment on, you know, helmets and pads and skates and shit.
Ok, first of all, "faggy" is a word that has never been connected to hockey before, ok? And second of all, the reason you wear the pads and the- and the helmet and all that stuff is because, again, proving that it's not faggy- 'cause you can get killed.
But basketball is an american sport.
You wanna play hockey, should go to canada.
Thank you.
Oh, really? Yeah? Let me ask you somethin', pal.
You ever skate, on anything other than a charge? - Hey, hey, hey.
- I grew up on flatbush ave.
- What do you think? - Easy, easy.
- Easy, easy.
- Yeah?Yeah? - Easy, easy.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, look at it.
Look.
Downtown.
- What? - What? I- downtown.
That's my new nickname.
I just thought of it.
Or paint.
- Paint.
- Why paint? Well, because, you know, like in the paint.
I'm always in the paint, settin' screens, grabbin' rebounds.
You never been anywhere near the paint.
You're a guard, all right? I'd rather call you taint than paint.
- Yeah, taint.
- I like it.
- I like it.
- It's got a nice ring.
No.
I'm sorry.
Hey, what about you, stretch? You ever get them bones out there on the court? Yeah, I played once or twice.
Why? I don't know.
Why don't you quit running your mouth and, uh, suit up? There.
I think I just saw it move under his sweatpants.
No, I-that-I think it's his keys.
By his ankle? How deep are those pockets? He's probably not wearing underwear.
You think he'd be that careless? Shit, lou, if I had an elephant trunk rather than an earthworm, I'd be walking around in a banana hammock.
I'd have the beast on parade every day.
Franco and, uh, shawn choose 'em up.
Ok, franco goes first.
Uh, it's a no-brainer.
I'll take, uh, stretch.
Stretch? Yeah.
What, you don't like it? It just kind of came out.
No.
Don't like it.
My bad.
I'll take T.
I'll take leslie.
You know, if tommy doesn't want "stretch," I-I'll take stretch.
- You're 5'8".
- Nay.
Uh, 9.
I'm 5'9".
That's a good nickname.
9.
Yeah.
I'll take 9, then.
Come on.
Yeah, you know, I'll just- I'll stick with leslie.
Uh, I'll take stupid.
Do I really have to be any more specific? - Lou, I don't wanna.
- You're stupid.
All right.
Ok, we go to 15.
Check it up.
Ok? You know the rules, huh, tommy? Yeah, I know the rules.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hey.
What, you tryin' to kill somebody? What?He ran into me.
I was already here.
Come on.
Come on, man.
Watch out.
Hey, hey, hey! - What the hell are you doin'? - You can't do that.
He ran into me.
Ran right into me.
Nice.
- Heads up.
- Let's do it, baby.
Come on.
Shawn, come on.
Move through.
Move through.
- I got it.
- I'm open.
I got it.
Whoa! - What the hell was that? - He had the ball.
Aw, come on.
Aw, come on, man.
- You guys are a bunch of pussies.
- What? Ball in, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Put it up, T.
- Really? - Shoot it! Put it up, t! - You want me to shoot? - Take a shot.
Come on.
Ok.
You ready to cover this, leslie? Huh?Yeah? What the hell was that? You didn't even hit the glass.
There was some water here.
I slipped.
Oh, my god.
Check it.
Our ball.
Try to wipe it from our minds, play some ball here.
It's all right, T.
Yeah, here we go.
Look up.
Look up.
Yo, franco! - Shoot it, T.
- Yeah? Shoot, baby.
Put it up, T.
Put it up.
Kareem abdul-jabbar, asshole? - Oh, jesus.
- You know where I'm goin'? Watch this.
Holy shit.
Hey.
What's cookin'? This.
Hey, franco.
It's alicia.
Look, I just wanted to let you know that keela and I are back in town, so of course she'd really like to see you.
We both would.
Call me, baby.
So what? "So what?" That's all you have to say? I don't know.
What do you want me to say? Well, for starters, you can explain how she got this number.
Well, baby, I don't know, you know? Maybe she called the firehouse or somethin'.
I mean, you know, what?You think I've been talking to her this whole time? How the hell should I know? You're so walled off all the time, I hardly ever know what the hell's going on inside your head.
Baby, there's nobody else.
All right? I don't want anyone but you.
Not even your own daughter? All right, that was a cheap shot.
You know who I'm talking about.
So go see her.
What? Go see alicia.
You say you're absolutely sure that I'm all you want, so go see her.
Well, maybe you could, you know, come with me or somethin', meet my daughter.
No.
I can't make it that easy for you.
But if you decide to come back, I'll be right here waiting.
You can bring me this.
I'd rather you kept that.
Bring it back to me, and I will.
- Right, right, right.
- A condom.
Uh, no.
What the- what the hell is that? Oh, that?That's just, uh- it's just some articles and stuff.
Is this tommy's remote control? Are these his sunglasses.
I just wanted a, you know- a little-little something of his.
You know, I was gonna give it back eventually, but, uh, I just wanted a little piece of tommy for myself.
Well, you wanna get back to business? No.
Oh, my god.
Ohh! I should have known.
Cute, affectionate, respectful, nice, and-oh, yeah, crazy.
I'm not crazy.
It's not like I was hiding it.
Honey, you should have hidden this.
This is crazy.
It's crazy that you didn't hide it.
I got so much of this already in my life, troy.
I- I don't-I got- Hold on.
Sheila, look.
I- you know, I meant all that stuff I said about, you know, you deserving the good things in life and that, you know-like you deserve to be loved well.
God, troy, that's- that's really nice.
Come on.
Get out of my way, you friggin' psycho! - Hey.
- Hey.
What's goin' on? What's goin' on? Look, you think it makes me happy that as it ends up, the kid's probably johnny's kid? It is what it is.
But you don't see me layin' around all day drinkin' wine, feeding the other kid pretty simple equation, you know.
That's because you're never here.
You wanna get into this again? No, I don'T.
What are you doin'? Uh, I think he needs a change.
It's been a while.
Yeah.
You wanna go grab a diaper for your brother.
- Oh, he's not my brother.
- Ok.
He is your brother, all right? He didn't come from you.
Whether he came from me or from your uncle johnny, ok, he still has the same mother as you, ok, so No, it makes a difference.
It means he's my cousin.
Your cousin, your brother, I mean, what difference does it make? He's definitely my cousin.
'Cause if he was my brother, I wouldn't hate him so much.
Hey, hey.
I didn't hate connor.
Of course you didn't hate connor, and you-you have no reason to hate - He doesn't even have a name! - We're still makin' lists.
Here.
- You should give him a name.
- Yeah, ok.
Hey, pal.
How you doin', huh? Yeah.
How you doin'? Huh? Hey, did you see this face he's makin'? All right.
Wanna get changed? Ok.
This is bullshit, ok? It's- checkin' to see how much meat the new chief's packing, that's a goddamn probie's job.
Look, we don't want to disturb black shawn's nap.
- We got a big game wednesday night.
- God forbid we wake up black shawn.
You know, are you ever gonna stop whining about this? I'm not whining! I'm just sayin'.
Look, I'm ranking officer here.
We draw short straw to find out who's on pecker patrol.
- Ok, you got 4 straws.
- Yeah? So you're not- you're not drawing? Did you not hear me when I said I'm ranking officer here? The chain of command exists for a reason.
Now, whoever draws the short straw goes lookin' for feinberg's long straw.
Stupid, you draw first.
- Aw, shit.
- Long straw.
Long straw.
- Franco.
- Why does he get to go? - 'Cause he's franco.
- All right.
- Oh.
Yes! - Shit.
Leslie.
- Oh, you mean G.
Money.
- Pardon? Yeah, leslie wants to be called G.
Money.
Leslie.
I don't know what the hell he's talkin' about.
You know, you pick the long straw, "g," your life becomes a living hell.
I know.
Except my wife's disappeared off the face of the earth, and I'm livin' at mike's mom's house, and you guys are callin' me leslie, so hell would be a vacation, ok? Ah, yes! Nice.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey.
- Chief, how are you? - What's goin' on? The hunt begins.
Good luck.
- Hey.
- Hello, tom.
How you doin'? Hear you got a new kid at home.
Mazel tov.
Ah.
Yeah.
Gesundheit.
Bet you he's a great-lookin' kid, looks like his daddy, huh? Spitting image.
- What's his name? - Huh? - His name.
- The baby.
Uh, long story.
I mean, we-we haven't, uh- we are, um, tryin' to, uh-have a big family, and, uh, tryin' to be politically correct, so we don't pick a name, it just kind of pisses, you know, one person off, and- Listen, what's in a name, right? Yeah.
Right.
Hey, um, I'm taking some of the guys out to arthur's tonight for a, like a burger and a beer.
You wanna join us? I- you know, I gotta go over lists of name- baby name lists with the wife, but maybe I'll come over after.
Oh.
You ok? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why? - Hang loose.
- Ok.
Oh, jesus I mean, just because the closet's locked, doesn't mean he's hidin' anything in there, you know? Maybe it's travolta.
I'm sure it's just his mother's old stuff.
Try and pick the lock? Yeah, several times.
Except, he's always home.
He doesn't let me in the house by myself.
That's probably because he's afraid of you sticking, like, a fork in a wall socket or playing with matches or somethin'.
Well, I don't know, but i gotta see what's in the closet.
Well, we know it ain't him, that's for sure.
Here's what you do.
You steal his house keys from his locker.
On those keys, you'll most likely find the closet key, right? What you do, take it down to the hardware store, get a few copies made.
The next time he goes out, you leave with him, but just wait for a little while.
Go back.
Let yourself in.
He'll never know you were there.
- Mystery solved.
- Heh.
Yeah.
Why didn't i think of that? Oh, come on, shawn.
What do you want, a list? - Hey.
- Hey, guys.
- What's up, t? - Hey, T.
What's goin' on? Not much.
Hey, uh, you dropped your mini bible at the gym the other day.
Thanks, man.
It's not a bible.
Like an A.
A.
Thing, right? It's all good, man.
We-we all gotta have something to pray to.
We all need a bible.
Yeah, well, let me clue you in on a little bit of somethin' with the bible.
The bible is to the catholic church like the godfather is to the mafia, you know? Yeah.
Catholic church is the most corrupt organization on the face of the planet.
I did 12 years in that penal system, you know.
All these gangsters who walk around thinkin' that they, uh, run the world at any given moment in time, like gotti, gambino, castellano, whoever.
They, uh, all learned the same lesson, which is at any given moment in time, the biggest gangster on this planet is always the pope.
Whatever, man.
Well, what are you? Baptist? - Muslim? - Well, that's my business, all right? I'm just trying to give you your book back, so I don't wanna get into a whole religious argument here.
I'm not gettin' into an argument with you, man, but if you want to get into a discussion, I mean the best place in the world to have a discussion about anything is a firehouse.
- There's nothin' sacred here.
- Well, it is to me.
I got my beliefs, and you got whatever it is you have, which don't sound like much.
You know what? Let me tell you somethin'.
If you were workin' the morning of I don't care who you believe in, whether it's god or allah or mohammed or L.
Ron hubbard, ok? Whoever was supposed to be in charge that morning, who was managing the master plan, he showed his cards that morning.
He doesn't give a shit, ok? Oh, you're the only one that was affected by 9/11? No, I- 9/11 changed me, too.
Oh, yeah? How did it change- Shut up.
That's why I'm here.
That's the whole reason I joined up.
- Oh, really - Yeah.
Oh, so you-you want- you want to be a hero? Yeah.
I do.
Don't we all? You believe this kid? Jesus christ.
How much seniority I have over him, and he's talkin' to me like that? I wish jerry was here to just see the kind of shit you guys are tryin' to pull off with this basketball crap.
He'd shut the whole basketball thing down.
Probies get treated like probies for a reason, ok? They get treated like shit so they can earn our trust and respect, right? Then we know we can trust 'em in a goddamn fire! Assholes.
That's why he should be moppin' the floor instead of you, shithead.
Yeah.
Kiss my bony, white, irish ass.
That's gin.
Hey, sailor.
Midlife crisis much? Oh, shit, I don't need to reach midlife to have a crisis.
That kicked in around the time I lost my virginity.
- Really? - Yeah.
I do not know who the ding-dong was that said that, uh, material possessions couldn't buy you happiness, but I know for a fact he did not own a porsche.
New car, new apartment, new clothes- - New baby? - no.
No, don'T.
I love him.
- I love him so much.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I know I only met him that once, but I swear to god I love that little guy, and I know that he loves me.
And the way things are goin' with you and janet I am his best bet at a normal and happy childhood, and I swear to god there would be no strings attached.
Oh, really? No, look, tommy, I set the table for you once, and you didn't want to sit down.
Yeah.
All right, I'm not gonna embarrass myself again.
All that stuff, it's in the past.
I'm over it.
This is about what is best for the child.
Yeah, what about what's-his-name? Not so much.
Oh, you dumped him.
He's a little obsessed.
- With? - You.
He has a shrine of you in his bedroom.
A shrine? Yeah, like pictures and articles and candles and, uh, oh, yeah-heh heh.
Heh heh.
Your sunglasses and your remote control.
Oh, so that's where that stuff went.
- Eww.
- What? You totally like this.
You're so gross.
- Look, this isn'T - I like it? Some kind of man crush, tommy.
This is like travis bickle, "you talking to me," shit.
He's got a total screw loose.
Oh, yeah, like he's the only one.
- I'm sorry? - Let me tell you something.
If I was even vaguely interested in givin' that kid to anybody, I'm not gonna give it to somebody who's been lying incessantly to me for god knows how long.
- What did I lie to you about? - Oh ho.
You want a list? - Yeah.
- Yeah?Ok.
Well, let's start off with my cock.
Ok?Do you have any idea what that lie did to my wiring, huh? Why are you assuming that it was me that lied? Listen, I know that you couldn't get it up the first night with nona.
What? Who told you that? Nona told troy, and troy told me.
So what does she do the second night? She plays to your ego and tells you, "oh, my god.
You had such a raging hard-on in the fire," which, by the way, is ridiculous, because you were unconscious.
Maybe I was havin' a dream about heidi klum or-or-what? All women play mind games about sex.
So when you told me that I was the-the best Depends on the night.
When-that time you told me that I-I lasted the longest? Also depends on the night.
And the whole thing about me being the biggest? Oh, well, that part was true.
See how easy that is? These I need.
That he can keep.
Call you later.
Ok.
This is so awesome.
- Thanks a lot, mr.
Gavin.
- Yeah.
The other bed was giving us both scoliosis.
Scoliosis.
Yeah, that's a good name for a band.
No.
Yeah, sure, heavy metal band, you know, scoliosis.
Heavy metal when, the eighties? It's like, "yeah!Scoliosis.
" It's heavy metal.
I mean, does it really matter what year it is? It beats the shit out of fake baby head.
Hey, people love fake baby head.
Well, people loved three dog night, too, so - Three dog night? - Yeah.
That's a cool name for a band.
don't you think? Yeah.
All right, why don't you go get the pillows.
Ok? Ok, you know what?I know he's your boyfriend, and that's fine.
Can you tell him not to nuzzle your belly or- Yeah, any stuff like that when I'm here, ok? - Jesus.
- Fine.
Creepy.
You look like shit.
- Oh, thank you.
- Wanna sit down? I'll So, uh, mom sounds weird.
Katy, too.
Weirder than usual.
What's going on over there? Nothing.
It's-you know.
The baby.
She's not sleepin' a lot.
You know, it's just fine.
We miss you, obviously.
- I've been calling.
- I know you've been calling.
You call because you have to call, but I'm just saying in general, it's- you know, it's a little empty around there without you.
You don't even know me, dad.
How you can you say that? Aw, christ.
Don't give me that crap.
I- I changed your diapers, ok? Nobody knows you better than I do.
What's my favorite color? What's my favorite color? What's this gonna prove? What's my favorite food? I know what your favorite food is.
Cheeseburgers.
Cheeseburgers and fries.
- What? - Ok.
That's your favorite food.
Yeah, dad, when I was, like, 7.
This is what I'm talkin' about.
I can't win, because you're gonna keep saying- - Favorite band.
- Fake baby head.
- It's not? - Good-bye, dad.
Well Ok, thanks for the bed.
Just like your mother.
Orange.
Ok, I know for a fact that that was your favorite color when you were, like, 8 years old.
Shirt.
Take a look at your shirt.
Yeah.
Orange.
No.
Just do me a favor.
Don't- don't get pregnant, ok? Ok, dad.
- Reading minds.
- Yeah.
- Don't be a stranger.
- Ok.
Bye.
So, uh, I'll see you in a few hours? Yeah, about that Ok.
I'll call you.
Or, uh, swing by mcphee's after you meet with mickey.
- Mcphee's? - Yeah.
That the place down by the bridge? Yeah, yeah.
You been there.
- All right, dude.
- See ya, dude.
- See you in a little bit.
- Ok.
- Drive safe.
- Yeah, you, too.
Holy shit.
That's-oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Aw, shit.
Great.
How am I gonna explain that? Oh, my god.
Shit.
Oh, shit! Uh, yeah, I need to report a fire.
Holy shit.
Big fire.
Uh, uh, 18 elizabeth street.
My name.
Uh, yeah, No speaky english, so, uh, Just please hurry.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
What's up? What's goin' on? Talk about killin' the life of the party.
Hey, what's with the boohoos? Well, I snuck into mike's mom's house like you guys told me to.
- Yeah?What happened? - Let's have it.
All right, all right, everybody, strap on your seat belts, 'cause we're gettin' a little turbulence right now, aren't we? I found what he was hiding.
Gay parents.
- Get out.
- What? Found these pictures in the back of the closet, padlocked closet.
- Holy toledo.
- Oh, my god.
This explains so much.
Goddamn.
How could the poor kid's life be any more of a disaster? It's funny that- funny that you should say that, 'cause I actually, uh- when i was other there, I also, um- I set his mom's house on fire.
You did what? I- I-set his mom's house on fire.
What do you mean, like- like a grease fire? No, no.
Like a fire fire.
You mean like a fire fire fire? Yeah, yeah.
Like a- like a raging inferno with the flames coming out of the windows, and I didn't know what to do, so I-I called it in, and I ran.
- I ran away.
- You ran?! That's what any good fireman would do.
You ran away? If he finds out, he's gonna kill me.
That's not funny, you guys.
- Matches.
- What? Well, that's your new nickname.
It's matches.
- But I used a lighter.
- Zippo.
- That's the new name.
- Like zippo.
Yes, yes.
Zippo.
Whole lot better than leslie.
Please don't tell him.
Seriously.
He'll never forgive me.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Ohh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, sweet jesus.
Oh, yeah.
You like that, honey?Huh? Yeah, mother teresa.
You like that, huh? Ohh.
Oh, yeah.
I'm almost there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you doin'? Don't stop.
What are you doin'? Kenny.
You're home.
Get up.
Hey, ken, listen.
The woman has needs, a lot of needs, cuz.
I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm the victim here, really.
- Kenny, please, please, please- - You know what? You better put some clothes on, 'cause I'm gonna kick you a new ass.
- Oh, you're gonna kick my ass? - I am.
Why don't you try to kick my ass? Oh, I'm gonna kick you a new ass.
And I'm gonna do it- and you know what? You better put some skivvies on, because we're wrestling around, I don't want your balls to hit me on the forehead.
- I don't want to fight you, kenny.
- Oh, you don't? Well, you don't have a choice, pal.
Ken, you all right, buddy? - You ok? - Oh, honey.
God, if I hurt you, I could never forgive myself.
- Are you all right, man? - Yeah.
I'm ok.
Are you all right? Yeah, must've been- I must've left a window open here, 'cause I think I felt a little breeze.
That's what I- ohh.
Oh, yeah.
Tough guy, huh? Let me tell you, I've been hit- I've been hit by girl scouts, and it's hurt more than that.
Now I'm gonna show you.
Kenny, are you ok? Just get out of my house.
Dude, this is a complete misunderstanding.
I understand completely.
You screwed the woman I love.
Now get out.
Fine, if you want to be a dick about it.
Oh, god, that was so unnecessary.
Oh.
Hey.
Did I wake you? What, how long you been, uh, home? Just a couple minutes.
Baby's asleep, and, uh, katy's doin' some coloring.
She's, uh, all done with her frozen tv dinner, which is what she had for supper.
I was just, uh, thinking of going out and spending a little time with the guys.
Ok.
What are you doin'? I, uh-I just had a terrible dream.
Yeah? I was giving the baby a bath in the tub, and he started drowning, and when I reached in to save him, he would just go deeper and deeper.
And then I thought I saw someone in the water underneath the baby.
It was johnny, and he was pulling the baby down.
He was just staring up at me, and he was laughing.
You know what? Um, have fun with the guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just, uh, an idea, but if you're thinkin' of cleanin' up, think a shower's a good idea.
Meditation for the Day I will relax and not get tense.
I will have no fear, everything will work out in the end.
that I may Mickey Mantle I may relax and batting fourth, centerfielder, I pray that I may relax and that God's strength will God's power
Call me chief sid, chief sidney, chief whatever.
Just don't call me chief feinberg.
Ok, word on the street from very reliable sources, the guy's hung like seabiscuit.
What is going on with you and tommy? It is seriously freakin' me out.
What are you talkin' about? You're wearin' the same stupid peacoat that he wears all the time.
It's like you're turning into tommy gavin.
I think that we owe it to each other to put the sex on hold, and let's see what we really have.
And to safeguard against the very real possibility that without a breather, my dick's gonna snap off like a twig.
I want us to be together forever.
Aw, I'll see what I can do about that.
- The chick I been seein', man - Yeah.
She took my little girl, man.
She took keela.
Aw, man.
You know how I need to stay here for a couple of days? Think it might be a little longer than that.
Yeah, it's all good.
Whatever you need, bro.
All right, cool.
Thanks.
I want you to give me that baby.
You're crazy.
No, no, I-I hate it when you call me crazy.
Just listen to me.
I love this baby, and that baby loves me.
I was hopin' that¡ª Will you marry me? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Yes!Yes, I will marry you, franco.
Yes.
All I wanna do is fight fires and play ball.
We're definitely interested.
I don't mop nothing, shine nothing, cook nothing, clean nothing.
I don't run errands, make beds, and I don't hump equipment.
So in other words, you don't do probie work.
- Right.
Do not call me probie.
- You got it.
His hair is black doesn't necessarily mean that he's definitely johnny's kid, right? Whose is he, then? You tell me.
Just go to hell.
You must be the new probie, huh? I'm shawn.
Um, it's time for some coffee there, black shawn.
I think you probably already know how to make coffee.
That's like probie 101, right? Ok, man, I don't know shit about makin' coffee, all right? I don't drink it.
Jangles my nerves.
- Jangles your nerves? - Yep.
Really? Let me tell you somethin', pal.
I don't give a good goddamn whether you like coffee or not.
I like coffee.
That's the important fact here, ok? And you're gonna be black shawn, 'cause we already have a white sean who works in this house, ok, and he's got seniority over you, all right? No.
I'm not gonna be black shawn.
Just shawn, all right? Let me tell you somethin', asshole.
- You're gonna do what we tell you to do.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What's up, guys? Get your feet off the table.
- What's goin' on- - Hey, man.
You must be the new probie.
I'm on the basketball team with you.
- I'm-I'm sean.
- No, I'm shawn.
You gotta find a new name, son.
You just call him "son"? Where do you get off callin' him son? - Hey, shawn.
- What up, lou? Hey, asshole! I'm talkin' to you.
- What- - I don't understand.
You know, I-I'm not even workin' today.
- Hey, hey, whoa.
- Ah, ah, ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
This better be a gag.
I just asked that kid to make me coffee, and he refused.
Yeah.
And I don't know if you heard him.
He told me I had to- I had to change my- Yeah, we, uh-we had to make a little, you know, arrangement.
What kind of an arrangement? Hey, uh, lou, I got the soap and the mop.
Ok.
- Franco.
- Yeah? Was that just a mop I saw in your hands? Naw.
I- - yeah.
It was a mop.
- Ok, you haven't had a mop in your hands since bill clinton was gettin' blow jobs in the white house, and you haven't been involved in cleaning the rig since huey lewis last had a hit single, so what's goin' on? Ok, look.
All right, we ran into some other houses who had promised certain perks during the negotiation process, so in order for us to get the kid to this house, we had to make some promises, you know, of our own.
Such as? Um, you know, he doesn't cook.
He doesn't clean.
He doesn't scrub.
He doesn't shine.
- He doesn't get his balls busted.
- What does he do? Uh, he, uh, plays hoops is what he does.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And fights fires.
And, uh, you gotta change your name, bro.
Yeah.
Why? Well, he wants to be called shawn.
Yeah.
Even though his, uh, real name is, uh- - is bart.
- Right? Well, why can't he just be, you know, black shawn, and I'll be, you know, me? Because he, uh-he just really doesn't wanna do that.
Well, tough shit.
It's my god-given name.
Yeah, but he averages 30 points and 12 dimes a game, bro.
Wow.
Really? 30 points? Yeah.
Jesus.
Ok.
You know what? I'll-I'll make the coffee.
Ah.
All right, I've had a problem with this basketball thing since you brought it back up again.
- Well, you know, this is the reason why - You puttin' the team back together again.
- I didn't tell you about this thing.
- What? What's the reason why? Because it's all you and your hockey, and your hockey- I never made a promise to anybody that was on the hockey team that they didn't have to do any work at the firehouse! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Not even siletti got a free ride! - All right!All right!All right! Jesus.
Now, listen.
If you guys wanna call me somethin' different, I think that-that you should give me a cool nickname, you know, like, uh-like killer.
That's cool, right? - Yeah.
- Excuse me.
No? All right, well- We'll, uh-we'll just call you garrity.
How about that? Yeah, no, that's so impersonal.
You know, I want somethin'- All right.
Well, maybe we should call you by your middle name.
Yeah, what's your middle name? - My middle name? - Yeah.
You know, I think that, uh- actually, I kind of like garrity.
Garrity's fine.
Let's stick with that.
Aw, jesus.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Great.
So we're gonna need to get that middle name from you.
Yeah, you know, it's so funny.
I don't-I don't even have - a middle name.
- Oh, you don't? - Really? - My parents, when they- Oh, well, that's fine.
Lou, why don't you jump on the computer and check the department files - about- - I'm on my way.
It's not-you're not gonna find anything.
- I'm back.
- Ok.
It's, um leslie.
Yeah.
Enjoy.
Ok? Leslie? Leslie leslie? - It's like a dream come true.
- It really is.
- Guys, it's irish.
- Oh, it's not irish.
- It's irish.
- I'm irish.
- Never heard of it.
- It means "warrior prince" - in irish-or gaelic.
- They named you after a girl.
All right, it's my mother's sister's name, and she loved her very much, so could you just please not call me that? Look, look, guys, you know, maybe it isn't fair.
Maybe he's-he's got a point.
You know, here's the deal.
Here's what we should do.
We're all gonna get new nicknames, ok, except me, 'cause I'm lou, you know, based on my official rank.
And in the event of a disagreement or a tie, I will cast the deciding vote on what that new nickname will be.
- Is that all right with you, tom? - Yeah.
- Ok.
Frankie? - Yes, sir.
All right.
Leslie- I'm sorry, ballsack.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hello.
That's a nice greeting.
Where'd you go to charm school? The russell crowe academy.
What do you want? Um, I was just wondering, um, if you've, uh, given any more thought to my offer, you know, of giving me the baby, which i know sounds a little weird.
Yeah, yeah.
A little weird, not to mention morally insane.
You know, I'm sorry that it sounds so cold, but jesus christ, he doesn't even have a name yet.
I'll tell you somethin' else.
If you wanna feel sorry, I'll tell what you should feel sorry about is giving me that bullshit story about how I couldn't get it up the night of the fire, just so you could get your hands on the insurance money, and now you're gonna use that insurance money to try and buy my- my son or my brother's son or whatever the hell he is, huh? Why don't you feel sorry about that? Great.
That helped.
Proudly Presents Season 4 Episode 06 "Balance" Hey, mikey.
Listen, let's go over their names, the nicknames I got, ok? How 'bout big G.
? Oh, you know what? Even better, G.
Money, you know, 'cause I'm like so money on the basketball court.
Huh? What do you think? Mikey? Just a sec.
What are you doin'? - Hey.
- Hey.
- What's goin' on? - Nothing.
- Just straightenin' stuff up.
- Yeah.
- Well, what's- - ai! - Why was the door locked? - I don't know.
Maybe it locked by accident or somethin', G.
Money.
- Hey, you like it? - Yeah.
It's-it's ok.
Yeah, do me a favor.
Start callin' me G.
Money around the firehouse, you know.
See if it sticks.
I'm sick and tired of this leslie shit.
- Ok, cool.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Ok, cool.
- After you.
- G-go ahead.
- No, I'm bein' gentlemanly.
- No, you go first.
Oh, my-weirdo.
You're weird.
All right, where is it? - Where's what? - You know what.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
You mean that? Yes.
Thank you.
Ok, where are the batteries? Well, you might find that, uh, most of the double "a" batteries, uh, in this house have mysteriously disappeared.
Look, I thought we were supposed to be having a break from the sex, ok, getting to know each other.
It has taken me 35 years to start having sex.
Don't make me feel dirty for having an appetite.
Most guys, you know, they would-they would kill to be in your shoes.
Look, let's not fight, ok? Ok.
- I don't-I don't- - I do.
- I don't wanna do that either.
- Oh, my god.
Ok? Ok, listen.
Listen.
My cousin mike is coming over for a couple days, ok? I don't want there to be a lot of tension in this house.
What?When were you going to tell me that? I was gonna tell you this morning.
That was before I met your little plastic boyfriend.
Oh, that is great.
That is really-you were-uhh.
It's just for a couple days.
He's putting his boat in the water for fishing season, ok? Will you please-will you just please try to be nice? - You want me to be nice? - Yeah.
You want me to be nice? You know what, then? You had better pray that those double as reappear, because otherwise, you're gonna see a new version of bitch.
- Got that, big boy? - Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.
All right, katy, come on.
You're gonna be late.
Hurry up.
Where's her lunch? - Honey.
- Yeah? Where's her lunch? Oh.
Um, yeah.
No, I forgot that this morning.
She can just grab something at school.
The food at school tastes like poo.
Oh, how would you know what poo tastes like? - I use my imagination.
- Ok, do me a favor.
Use your imagination for something a little bit more constructive, like reading or writing.
Take that and that, ok? All right, have a good day.
Say good-bye to your brother.
He smells like poo.
He's supposed to smell like poo.
He's a baby.
- All right? - Yeah, yeah, good-bye.
Bye.
- You ok? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
All right.
I'm gonna go.
You're all set? Yep.
See ya.
Hey, gather round.
We got some new uniforms here.
- All right.
- Nice.
Check it out, boys.
Chief sprung for 'em.
What's going on? Chief got, uh, some new uniforms for the basketball team.
Sweet, huh? You know the hockey team's been tryin' to get new uniforms for, like, 5 years.
We have a serious shot at winning this championship.
Never liked hockey, anyways.
Always reminded me of figure skating.
You know, kinda faggy.
Yeah.
You know, plus you gotta put all that equipment on, you know, helmets and pads and skates and shit.
Ok, first of all, "faggy" is a word that has never been connected to hockey before, ok? And second of all, the reason you wear the pads and the- and the helmet and all that stuff is because, again, proving that it's not faggy- 'cause you can get killed.
But basketball is an american sport.
You wanna play hockey, should go to canada.
Thank you.
Oh, really? Yeah? Let me ask you somethin', pal.
You ever skate, on anything other than a charge? - Hey, hey, hey.
- I grew up on flatbush ave.
- What do you think? - Easy, easy.
- Easy, easy.
- Yeah?Yeah? - Easy, easy.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, look at it.
Look.
Downtown.
- What? - What? I- downtown.
That's my new nickname.
I just thought of it.
Or paint.
- Paint.
- Why paint? Well, because, you know, like in the paint.
I'm always in the paint, settin' screens, grabbin' rebounds.
You never been anywhere near the paint.
You're a guard, all right? I'd rather call you taint than paint.
- Yeah, taint.
- I like it.
- I like it.
- It's got a nice ring.
No.
I'm sorry.
Hey, what about you, stretch? You ever get them bones out there on the court? Yeah, I played once or twice.
Why? I don't know.
Why don't you quit running your mouth and, uh, suit up? There.
I think I just saw it move under his sweatpants.
No, I-that-I think it's his keys.
By his ankle? How deep are those pockets? He's probably not wearing underwear.
You think he'd be that careless? Shit, lou, if I had an elephant trunk rather than an earthworm, I'd be walking around in a banana hammock.
I'd have the beast on parade every day.
Franco and, uh, shawn choose 'em up.
Ok, franco goes first.
Uh, it's a no-brainer.
I'll take, uh, stretch.
Stretch? Yeah.
What, you don't like it? It just kind of came out.
No.
Don't like it.
My bad.
I'll take T.
I'll take leslie.
You know, if tommy doesn't want "stretch," I-I'll take stretch.
- You're 5'8".
- Nay.
Uh, 9.
I'm 5'9".
That's a good nickname.
9.
Yeah.
I'll take 9, then.
Come on.
Yeah, you know, I'll just- I'll stick with leslie.
Uh, I'll take stupid.
Do I really have to be any more specific? - Lou, I don't wanna.
- You're stupid.
All right.
Ok, we go to 15.
Check it up.
Ok? You know the rules, huh, tommy? Yeah, I know the rules.
Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo.
Hey.
What, you tryin' to kill somebody? What?He ran into me.
I was already here.
Come on.
Come on, man.
Watch out.
Hey, hey, hey! - What the hell are you doin'? - You can't do that.
He ran into me.
Ran right into me.
Nice.
- Heads up.
- Let's do it, baby.
Come on.
Shawn, come on.
Move through.
Move through.
- I got it.
- I'm open.
I got it.
Whoa! - What the hell was that? - He had the ball.
Aw, come on.
Aw, come on, man.
- You guys are a bunch of pussies.
- What? Ball in, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
Put it up, T.
- Really? - Shoot it! Put it up, t! - You want me to shoot? - Take a shot.
Come on.
Ok.
You ready to cover this, leslie? Huh?Yeah? What the hell was that? You didn't even hit the glass.
There was some water here.
I slipped.
Oh, my god.
Check it.
Our ball.
Try to wipe it from our minds, play some ball here.
It's all right, T.
Yeah, here we go.
Look up.
Look up.
Yo, franco! - Shoot it, T.
- Yeah? Shoot, baby.
Put it up, T.
Put it up.
Kareem abdul-jabbar, asshole? - Oh, jesus.
- You know where I'm goin'? Watch this.
Holy shit.
Hey.
What's cookin'? This.
Hey, franco.
It's alicia.
Look, I just wanted to let you know that keela and I are back in town, so of course she'd really like to see you.
We both would.
Call me, baby.
So what? "So what?" That's all you have to say? I don't know.
What do you want me to say? Well, for starters, you can explain how she got this number.
Well, baby, I don't know, you know? Maybe she called the firehouse or somethin'.
I mean, you know, what?You think I've been talking to her this whole time? How the hell should I know? You're so walled off all the time, I hardly ever know what the hell's going on inside your head.
Baby, there's nobody else.
All right? I don't want anyone but you.
Not even your own daughter? All right, that was a cheap shot.
You know who I'm talking about.
So go see her.
What? Go see alicia.
You say you're absolutely sure that I'm all you want, so go see her.
Well, maybe you could, you know, come with me or somethin', meet my daughter.
No.
I can't make it that easy for you.
But if you decide to come back, I'll be right here waiting.
You can bring me this.
I'd rather you kept that.
Bring it back to me, and I will.
- Right, right, right.
- A condom.
Uh, no.
What the- what the hell is that? Oh, that?That's just, uh- it's just some articles and stuff.
Is this tommy's remote control? Are these his sunglasses.
I just wanted a, you know- a little-little something of his.
You know, I was gonna give it back eventually, but, uh, I just wanted a little piece of tommy for myself.
Well, you wanna get back to business? No.
Oh, my god.
Ohh! I should have known.
Cute, affectionate, respectful, nice, and-oh, yeah, crazy.
I'm not crazy.
It's not like I was hiding it.
Honey, you should have hidden this.
This is crazy.
It's crazy that you didn't hide it.
I got so much of this already in my life, troy.
I- I don't-I got- Hold on.
Sheila, look.
I- you know, I meant all that stuff I said about, you know, you deserving the good things in life and that, you know-like you deserve to be loved well.
God, troy, that's- that's really nice.
Come on.
Get out of my way, you friggin' psycho! - Hey.
- Hey.
What's goin' on? What's goin' on? Look, you think it makes me happy that as it ends up, the kid's probably johnny's kid? It is what it is.
But you don't see me layin' around all day drinkin' wine, feeding the other kid pretty simple equation, you know.
That's because you're never here.
You wanna get into this again? No, I don'T.
What are you doin'? Uh, I think he needs a change.
It's been a while.
Yeah.
You wanna go grab a diaper for your brother.
- Oh, he's not my brother.
- Ok.
He is your brother, all right? He didn't come from you.
Whether he came from me or from your uncle johnny, ok, he still has the same mother as you, ok, so No, it makes a difference.
It means he's my cousin.
Your cousin, your brother, I mean, what difference does it make? He's definitely my cousin.
'Cause if he was my brother, I wouldn't hate him so much.
Hey, hey.
I didn't hate connor.
Of course you didn't hate connor, and you-you have no reason to hate - He doesn't even have a name! - We're still makin' lists.
Here.
- You should give him a name.
- Yeah, ok.
Hey, pal.
How you doin', huh? Yeah.
How you doin'? Huh? Hey, did you see this face he's makin'? All right.
Wanna get changed? Ok.
This is bullshit, ok? It's- checkin' to see how much meat the new chief's packing, that's a goddamn probie's job.
Look, we don't want to disturb black shawn's nap.
- We got a big game wednesday night.
- God forbid we wake up black shawn.
You know, are you ever gonna stop whining about this? I'm not whining! I'm just sayin'.
Look, I'm ranking officer here.
We draw short straw to find out who's on pecker patrol.
- Ok, you got 4 straws.
- Yeah? So you're not- you're not drawing? Did you not hear me when I said I'm ranking officer here? The chain of command exists for a reason.
Now, whoever draws the short straw goes lookin' for feinberg's long straw.
Stupid, you draw first.
- Aw, shit.
- Long straw.
Long straw.
- Franco.
- Why does he get to go? - 'Cause he's franco.
- All right.
- Oh.
Yes! - Shit.
Leslie.
- Oh, you mean G.
Money.
- Pardon? Yeah, leslie wants to be called G.
Money.
Leslie.
I don't know what the hell he's talkin' about.
You know, you pick the long straw, "g," your life becomes a living hell.
I know.
Except my wife's disappeared off the face of the earth, and I'm livin' at mike's mom's house, and you guys are callin' me leslie, so hell would be a vacation, ok? Ah, yes! Nice.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey.
- Chief, how are you? - What's goin' on? The hunt begins.
Good luck.
- Hey.
- Hello, tom.
How you doin'? Hear you got a new kid at home.
Mazel tov.
Ah.
Yeah.
Gesundheit.
Bet you he's a great-lookin' kid, looks like his daddy, huh? Spitting image.
- What's his name? - Huh? - His name.
- The baby.
Uh, long story.
I mean, we-we haven't, uh- we are, um, tryin' to, uh-have a big family, and, uh, tryin' to be politically correct, so we don't pick a name, it just kind of pisses, you know, one person off, and- Listen, what's in a name, right? Yeah.
Right.
Hey, um, I'm taking some of the guys out to arthur's tonight for a, like a burger and a beer.
You wanna join us? I- you know, I gotta go over lists of name- baby name lists with the wife, but maybe I'll come over after.
Oh.
You ok? Yeah, I'm fine.
Why? - Hang loose.
- Ok.
Oh, jesus I mean, just because the closet's locked, doesn't mean he's hidin' anything in there, you know? Maybe it's travolta.
I'm sure it's just his mother's old stuff.
Try and pick the lock? Yeah, several times.
Except, he's always home.
He doesn't let me in the house by myself.
That's probably because he's afraid of you sticking, like, a fork in a wall socket or playing with matches or somethin'.
Well, I don't know, but i gotta see what's in the closet.
Well, we know it ain't him, that's for sure.
Here's what you do.
You steal his house keys from his locker.
On those keys, you'll most likely find the closet key, right? What you do, take it down to the hardware store, get a few copies made.
The next time he goes out, you leave with him, but just wait for a little while.
Go back.
Let yourself in.
He'll never know you were there.
- Mystery solved.
- Heh.
Yeah.
Why didn't i think of that? Oh, come on, shawn.
What do you want, a list? - Hey.
- Hey, guys.
- What's up, t? - Hey, T.
What's goin' on? Not much.
Hey, uh, you dropped your mini bible at the gym the other day.
Thanks, man.
It's not a bible.
Like an A.
A.
Thing, right? It's all good, man.
We-we all gotta have something to pray to.
We all need a bible.
Yeah, well, let me clue you in on a little bit of somethin' with the bible.
The bible is to the catholic church like the godfather is to the mafia, you know? Yeah.
Catholic church is the most corrupt organization on the face of the planet.
I did 12 years in that penal system, you know.
All these gangsters who walk around thinkin' that they, uh, run the world at any given moment in time, like gotti, gambino, castellano, whoever.
They, uh, all learned the same lesson, which is at any given moment in time, the biggest gangster on this planet is always the pope.
Whatever, man.
Well, what are you? Baptist? - Muslim? - Well, that's my business, all right? I'm just trying to give you your book back, so I don't wanna get into a whole religious argument here.
I'm not gettin' into an argument with you, man, but if you want to get into a discussion, I mean the best place in the world to have a discussion about anything is a firehouse.
- There's nothin' sacred here.
- Well, it is to me.
I got my beliefs, and you got whatever it is you have, which don't sound like much.
You know what? Let me tell you somethin'.
If you were workin' the morning of I don't care who you believe in, whether it's god or allah or mohammed or L.
Ron hubbard, ok? Whoever was supposed to be in charge that morning, who was managing the master plan, he showed his cards that morning.
He doesn't give a shit, ok? Oh, you're the only one that was affected by 9/11? No, I- 9/11 changed me, too.
Oh, yeah? How did it change- Shut up.
That's why I'm here.
That's the whole reason I joined up.
- Oh, really - Yeah.
Oh, so you-you want- you want to be a hero? Yeah.
I do.
Don't we all? You believe this kid? Jesus christ.
How much seniority I have over him, and he's talkin' to me like that? I wish jerry was here to just see the kind of shit you guys are tryin' to pull off with this basketball crap.
He'd shut the whole basketball thing down.
Probies get treated like probies for a reason, ok? They get treated like shit so they can earn our trust and respect, right? Then we know we can trust 'em in a goddamn fire! Assholes.
That's why he should be moppin' the floor instead of you, shithead.
Yeah.
Kiss my bony, white, irish ass.
That's gin.
Hey, sailor.
Midlife crisis much? Oh, shit, I don't need to reach midlife to have a crisis.
That kicked in around the time I lost my virginity.
- Really? - Yeah.
I do not know who the ding-dong was that said that, uh, material possessions couldn't buy you happiness, but I know for a fact he did not own a porsche.
New car, new apartment, new clothes- - New baby? - no.
No, don'T.
I love him.
- I love him so much.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I know I only met him that once, but I swear to god I love that little guy, and I know that he loves me.
And the way things are goin' with you and janet I am his best bet at a normal and happy childhood, and I swear to god there would be no strings attached.
Oh, really? No, look, tommy, I set the table for you once, and you didn't want to sit down.
Yeah.
All right, I'm not gonna embarrass myself again.
All that stuff, it's in the past.
I'm over it.
This is about what is best for the child.
Yeah, what about what's-his-name? Not so much.
Oh, you dumped him.
He's a little obsessed.
- With? - You.
He has a shrine of you in his bedroom.
A shrine? Yeah, like pictures and articles and candles and, uh, oh, yeah-heh heh.
Heh heh.
Your sunglasses and your remote control.
Oh, so that's where that stuff went.
- Eww.
- What? You totally like this.
You're so gross.
- Look, this isn'T - I like it? Some kind of man crush, tommy.
This is like travis bickle, "you talking to me," shit.
He's got a total screw loose.
Oh, yeah, like he's the only one.
- I'm sorry? - Let me tell you something.
If I was even vaguely interested in givin' that kid to anybody, I'm not gonna give it to somebody who's been lying incessantly to me for god knows how long.
- What did I lie to you about? - Oh ho.
You want a list? - Yeah.
- Yeah?Ok.
Well, let's start off with my cock.
Ok?Do you have any idea what that lie did to my wiring, huh? Why are you assuming that it was me that lied? Listen, I know that you couldn't get it up the first night with nona.
What? Who told you that? Nona told troy, and troy told me.
So what does she do the second night? She plays to your ego and tells you, "oh, my god.
You had such a raging hard-on in the fire," which, by the way, is ridiculous, because you were unconscious.
Maybe I was havin' a dream about heidi klum or-or-what? All women play mind games about sex.
So when you told me that I was the-the best Depends on the night.
When-that time you told me that I-I lasted the longest? Also depends on the night.
And the whole thing about me being the biggest? Oh, well, that part was true.
See how easy that is? These I need.
That he can keep.
Call you later.
Ok.
This is so awesome.
- Thanks a lot, mr.
Gavin.
- Yeah.
The other bed was giving us both scoliosis.
Scoliosis.
Yeah, that's a good name for a band.
No.
Yeah, sure, heavy metal band, you know, scoliosis.
Heavy metal when, the eighties? It's like, "yeah!Scoliosis.
" It's heavy metal.
I mean, does it really matter what year it is? It beats the shit out of fake baby head.
Hey, people love fake baby head.
Well, people loved three dog night, too, so - Three dog night? - Yeah.
That's a cool name for a band.
don't you think? Yeah.
All right, why don't you go get the pillows.
Ok? Ok, you know what?I know he's your boyfriend, and that's fine.
Can you tell him not to nuzzle your belly or- Yeah, any stuff like that when I'm here, ok? - Jesus.
- Fine.
Creepy.
You look like shit.
- Oh, thank you.
- Wanna sit down? I'll So, uh, mom sounds weird.
Katy, too.
Weirder than usual.
What's going on over there? Nothing.
It's-you know.
The baby.
She's not sleepin' a lot.
You know, it's just fine.
We miss you, obviously.
- I've been calling.
- I know you've been calling.
You call because you have to call, but I'm just saying in general, it's- you know, it's a little empty around there without you.
You don't even know me, dad.
How you can you say that? Aw, christ.
Don't give me that crap.
I- I changed your diapers, ok? Nobody knows you better than I do.
What's my favorite color? What's my favorite color? What's this gonna prove? What's my favorite food? I know what your favorite food is.
Cheeseburgers.
Cheeseburgers and fries.
- What? - Ok.
That's your favorite food.
Yeah, dad, when I was, like, 7.
This is what I'm talkin' about.
I can't win, because you're gonna keep saying- - Favorite band.
- Fake baby head.
- It's not? - Good-bye, dad.
Well Ok, thanks for the bed.
Just like your mother.
Orange.
Ok, I know for a fact that that was your favorite color when you were, like, 8 years old.
Shirt.
Take a look at your shirt.
Yeah.
Orange.
No.
Just do me a favor.
Don't- don't get pregnant, ok? Ok, dad.
- Reading minds.
- Yeah.
- Don't be a stranger.
- Ok.
Bye.
So, uh, I'll see you in a few hours? Yeah, about that Ok.
I'll call you.
Or, uh, swing by mcphee's after you meet with mickey.
- Mcphee's? - Yeah.
That the place down by the bridge? Yeah, yeah.
You been there.
- All right, dude.
- See ya, dude.
- See you in a little bit.
- Ok.
- Drive safe.
- Yeah, you, too.
Holy shit.
That's-oh, shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Aw, shit.
Great.
How am I gonna explain that? Oh, my god.
Shit.
Oh, shit! Uh, yeah, I need to report a fire.
Holy shit.
Big fire.
Uh, uh, 18 elizabeth street.
My name.
Uh, yeah, No speaky english, so, uh, Just please hurry.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
What's up? What's goin' on? Talk about killin' the life of the party.
Hey, what's with the boohoos? Well, I snuck into mike's mom's house like you guys told me to.
- Yeah?What happened? - Let's have it.
All right, all right, everybody, strap on your seat belts, 'cause we're gettin' a little turbulence right now, aren't we? I found what he was hiding.
Gay parents.
- Get out.
- What? Found these pictures in the back of the closet, padlocked closet.
- Holy toledo.
- Oh, my god.
This explains so much.
Goddamn.
How could the poor kid's life be any more of a disaster? It's funny that- funny that you should say that, 'cause I actually, uh- when i was other there, I also, um- I set his mom's house on fire.
You did what? I- I-set his mom's house on fire.
What do you mean, like- like a grease fire? No, no.
Like a fire fire.
You mean like a fire fire fire? Yeah, yeah.
Like a- like a raging inferno with the flames coming out of the windows, and I didn't know what to do, so I-I called it in, and I ran.
- I ran away.
- You ran?! That's what any good fireman would do.
You ran away? If he finds out, he's gonna kill me.
That's not funny, you guys.
- Matches.
- What? Well, that's your new nickname.
It's matches.
- But I used a lighter.
- Zippo.
- That's the new name.
- Like zippo.
Yes, yes.
Zippo.
Whole lot better than leslie.
Please don't tell him.
Seriously.
He'll never forgive me.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Ohh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, sweet jesus.
Oh, yeah.
You like that, honey?Huh? Yeah, mother teresa.
You like that, huh? Ohh.
Oh, yeah.
I'm almost there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you doin'? Don't stop.
What are you doin'? Kenny.
You're home.
Get up.
Hey, ken, listen.
The woman has needs, a lot of needs, cuz.
I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm the victim here, really.
- Kenny, please, please, please- - You know what? You better put some clothes on, 'cause I'm gonna kick you a new ass.
- Oh, you're gonna kick my ass? - I am.
Why don't you try to kick my ass? Oh, I'm gonna kick you a new ass.
And I'm gonna do it- and you know what? You better put some skivvies on, because we're wrestling around, I don't want your balls to hit me on the forehead.
- I don't want to fight you, kenny.
- Oh, you don't? Well, you don't have a choice, pal.
Ken, you all right, buddy? - You ok? - Oh, honey.
God, if I hurt you, I could never forgive myself.
- Are you all right, man? - Yeah.
I'm ok.
Are you all right? Yeah, must've been- I must've left a window open here, 'cause I think I felt a little breeze.
That's what I- ohh.
Oh, yeah.
Tough guy, huh? Let me tell you, I've been hit- I've been hit by girl scouts, and it's hurt more than that.
Now I'm gonna show you.
Kenny, are you ok? Just get out of my house.
Dude, this is a complete misunderstanding.
I understand completely.
You screwed the woman I love.
Now get out.
Fine, if you want to be a dick about it.
Oh, god, that was so unnecessary.
Oh.
Hey.
Did I wake you? What, how long you been, uh, home? Just a couple minutes.
Baby's asleep, and, uh, katy's doin' some coloring.
She's, uh, all done with her frozen tv dinner, which is what she had for supper.
I was just, uh, thinking of going out and spending a little time with the guys.
Ok.
What are you doin'? I, uh-I just had a terrible dream.
Yeah? I was giving the baby a bath in the tub, and he started drowning, and when I reached in to save him, he would just go deeper and deeper.
And then I thought I saw someone in the water underneath the baby.
It was johnny, and he was pulling the baby down.
He was just staring up at me, and he was laughing.
You know what? Um, have fun with the guys.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just, uh, an idea, but if you're thinkin' of cleanin' up, think a shower's a good idea.
Meditation for the Day I will relax and not get tense.
I will have no fear, everything will work out in the end.
that I may Mickey Mantle I may relax and batting fourth, centerfielder, I pray that I may relax and that God's strength will God's power