Rick and Morty (2013) s04e06 Episode Script

1
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
Tickets, please.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Barkeep. A drink for my colleague.
Do I know you?
I know the only reason
to travel by train
is to travel with weapons.
And we all know that
at the end of this line,
there's only one creature worth killing.
The man in the white coat.
May as well take turns
exchanging stories.
Mine begins on planet Ramamama.
Lower him into acid.
Once he's dissolved, lower
someone else into acid.
Is he dissolved?
At least use the downtime
to reset the acid lowerer.
I really don't like the
attitude around here.
It's a very "lower me
into acid" attitude.
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
Who are you?
[FARTS]
How did you reach my sanctum?
- [FARTS]
- All right, this is going in circles.
Seize him!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[ALL SHOUTING]
♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]
- Aah!
- Aah!
[FARTING]
Very well.
Now I will fight you.
Anyway, he tells a different
version of the story
where I start crying or something.
That's why he has to die.
'Cause he's a liar.
So
why are you going to kill Rick Sanchez?
Okay, I don't know who that is.
I don't accept your weird leap in logic
that has everyone on a
train going to kill one guy.
And even if I did,
why would we take turns telling stories
about it like little
girls at a sleepover?
If you're trying to be hurtful,
you're doing a good job.
I'll take his turn.
Here's why I'm going
to kill Rick Sanchez.
- You guys have fun with this.
- Dissolve to a clam-shaped sun
rising over a giant beach.
Whew. [SIGHS]
By then, of course, he had left toys
and flesh drops for every one
of us in the spore-hive.
Ah, a newcomer! I suppose you think
you have a better story
about how Rick Sanchez
saved Space Christmas.
- What is with the Rick Sanchez obsession?
- [LAUGHTER]
I think the best way to answer that
is with my Christmas Rick Tale.
Whoo!
Could've used Rudolph tonight!
Oh, thank God. I'm not too late.
I don't know how to thank you, Goomby.
No need. You just go in
there and have a nice time.
I will. Thanks.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hey.
Merry Christmas, Goomby.
Merry Christmas, Rick.
Oh. Uh
Oh, it's okay.
I-I don't have to. Sorry if that was
No. Um, um, I can ask.
No, no, no, I don't wanna be a burden.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, there's just
there's a lot of people. Family.
- I get it.
- You know? You're not mad?
Totally fine. Bye.
[WIND WHISTLING]
[LAUGHTER]
That Okay, none of my business,
but he didn't even save
Christmas in that story.
- Oh, how dare you!
- That doesn't mean I'm invested.
Tell your Christmas Rick story!
Step the hell back! Back!
♪
[PANTING]
You start teeing up a
Rick Sanchez vignette,
and you'll be doing
it through two holes.
I'm just trying to figure out
what's going on with this train.
- Do you remember getting on it?
- No.
First thing I remember is
Tickets, please.
So, why did you date Rick Sanchez?
- What?
- Oh, you don't have to pretend
you didn't date him. We all did.
We get it. Low point in your life,
rebound from an ex, et cetera.
No, really, who?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, exactly.
In fact, and get this,
when he met my family
- [WOLF GROWLING]
- Aah!
[GRUNTING]
Leah! Leah, check it out.
- Where'd you meet this, um
- [SIGHS]
sprite?
He's actually a human.
But he invented portal tech?
I am the concept of time.
Jesus!
I warned you not to do that.
- I wasn't trying.
- You don't have to.
The train is obviously amplifying
and linking unrelated narrative fields.
Uh-huh
Morty? I told you if you found me again,
identify yourself.
I didn't know it was you.
How did you not recognize me?
Didn't you create the disguises?
When I create shit, it works, Morty.
It's called being talented.
Why can't we find the engine?
It's not a real train,
it's a story device.
Literally. A literal literary device
quite literally
metaphorically containing us.
- A simulation.
- Worse. An anthology.
Okay, so how how do we hijack it?
Oh, Morty, it's been hijacked
for at least two full minutes.
Are you not hearing this
insane conversation?
Okay, Tickets Please Guy,
stop the anthology.
If we wanted one-offs,
we'd do Interdimensional Cable,
not some uptight, overwritten
- Rick?
- God damn!
Tickets, please.
Dude, I'm sure you've got, like,
so many tickets at this point.
Jesus! The Tickets Please guy is cut!
He he he's
he's got those things.
W-what do you call them.
Uhm, cum gutters.
- Morty, gross!
- That's what people call them.
Gross people. I don't
want to have to picture
cum so watery in such volumes that
Hey, hey, hey, stay back. I'll kick you.
I-I'll kick your shin, bro.
- Aaah!
- Hey!
I'll fuckin' cook and eat
your ticket-taking ass.
- [COUGHS]
- Hey, I found a ticket.
[COUGHS]
Wow, you are just
ladies and gentlemen,
the Jackie Chan of human shielding.
Who takes the time
to get this good at
Fuck this.
- Aaah.
- Structural breach.
Losing continuity.
Morty, hold on to something.
Keep your head inside.
Aaah! [GASPS]
-
- [VIDEO GAMES BEEPING]
Share with your sister, Josh.
Just because it's your birthday
doesn't mean you can be an asshole.
- You okay, Dad?
- Is this real?
I doubt it, but you get what you get
when you eat dinner in an arcade.
I mean are you real, is life real?
Okay, I'm calling the nurse
because you are not doing this tonight.
You're God damn right
- I'm not because
- You are not doing this tonight!
This isn't real life!
- Dad? Oh, my God!
- Honey. Sweetie.
- What's happening?
- Give me your tickets.
I I need tickets.
Everyone give me tickeeeeeettttttts!
Aaaah!
Aaah!
FEMALE VOICE: Emergency
continuity deployed.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[GROANS]
- This could come in handy.
- Can't we just ride out the
Fuck you, I'd rather die.
- [CRASHING]
- Train cops! Hands in the air!
Tee up a story about Rick Sanchez!
- He is Rick!
- Jesus Christ!
Is that the Tickets Please Guy?
Well, just the stub.
- Too soon!
- Too soon!
Don't move! Too soon!
So, what did the Train Cops do wrong?
Shot people?
- Shot passengers.
- Wrong.
The passengers tampered with
the anthology's structure.
Lethal response was permitted,
but not with him holding that tank.
Let's take a look at what
they should have done.
Train cops! Hands in the air!
- Drop the tank! Drop it!
- Drop it! Drop the tank.
[APPLAUSE]
Sorry to nitpick, sir,
but if there was a continuity explosion,
isn't there always one?
And doesn't that mean those
two could be anywhere?
What? No, you idiot, that it's
It's just a training video.
That didn't actually happen.
- That's what you think.
- Hey. How'd you get here?
Yeah, like we're the ones that
popped up out of nowhere?
Fuck these guys.
[GRUNTING]
Hey, what the hell? Your leg is healed.
Yeah, it's a real free-for-all.
Here we go.
Of course this thing is
just a fuckin' circle.
You'd think it was so
God damn complicated
Okay, here's where the
stupid vignettes were.
God, imagine if that had
been the whole thing.
So now we're here, and
the engine must be here.
I'll have to rig us a
couple of space suits
that start failing around here
so we can [BURPS] pay a heavy price
for re-entering at this threshold.
We have to leave the train?
We don't have to do anything, Morty.
This is just a structural guide.
We're obviously gonna
impart our own style.
I don't like how meta
this is getting, Rick.
Shut up, Morty. You're 14.
You watch videos of people on YouTube
reacting to fucking YouTube.
I'll be the judge of
when we get too meta.
Holy shit.
- How is he still breathing?
- Aah!
He's suspended in
disbelief, slowly dying
while living out an alternative
non-diagetic reality.
Geez, what a horrible way to die.
You don't know the half of it.
- Oh!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
You're on fuego with the
guy-torn-in-half bits, Rick.
That one was organic, though.
That's because you're naturally funny.
That that's good old-fashioned
fun right there, you know?
W-w-we don't need to
over-think shit, okay?
Okay, buddy. Nice and grounded,
- fully immersive from here on out.
- [RUMBLING]
- Right after this.
- W-what's happening?
Going into an act break.
Not quite a bird ♪
Not quite a person ♪
Maybe what matters ♪
Is to love yourself first and ♪
Soar ♪
Child of air and land ♪
With wings and hands ♪
Yes, you're a bird and a person ♪
I'm a bird and a person ♪
And more ♪
Sure, that was a great moment,
but it was hardly the best time
Rick and Morty were musical.
- Who can forget the t
- Hey.
You guys think there's something weird
about this train?
We've been here a really long time
and nobody's taken our tickets.
Aaah!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Aaaah!
The galaxy's greatest
scientists continue to ponder
the horrific figure known to
children as Floaty Blood Man.
But after three months, nobody
is any closer to the truth.
For Cutesy Name News, I'm Uncle Nibbles.
I can't believe Floaty
Bloody Man is real.
He's more than real, he's my new god.
- Check it.
- Is that brand-new,
- or is the blood just
- Accurately depicted, yeah.
His followers believe
the entire universe
is Floaty Bloody Man's
nightmare as he dies
in a time-dilated reality.
- So we could go at any minute.
- No.
I'm part of the Floaty
Nogasm Brotherhood.
We believe we're keeping him alive
by redirecting our
suppressed sexual energies.
You're staying a virgin
just to keep the universe existing?
- That's so attractive.
- It is?
Okay, look, let's just do it once.
[MOANING]
Sorry.
Aaah!
- Happy now?
- He was suffering.
Keep moving. We have to
get to the return threshold
before the ticking clock
on your suit gets to zero.
Why would you put ticking clock
Because if it's too easy to get there,
we'll never get there.
If you don't want to be meta
stop, deconstructing shit.
That's the thematic seal.
Gotta find a way to disrupt it.
Okay, Morty, tell a
story unrelated to us.
- Uh, what do
- Stop thinking and do it!
Uh, okay, uh, there was this
My name is Mike Johnson.
That's good coffee.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Better get that door.
Iiiiiiii, hello.
I want your cookies.
I'm hungry, I want your cookies.
Scorpions, scorpions.
There's scorpions outside. Get inside.
What do they want from us?
They want food.
- Me too.
- RICK: Okay, just stop.
I'm not a writer, okay?
Relax, your story was supposed
to be awful and stupid.
I just failed to predict how well
that would mesh with the theme.
Think. Think.
What kind of story would we never
Morty, do you know what
the Bechdel Test is?
- The what?
- For God's sake, Morty,
the formula for measuring female agency
in a story proposed by
lesbian cartoonist Allison
what the hell are they
teaching you in that school?!
- Other stuff!
- Then you've killed us both!
Why is lesbian part of her job title?!
Oh, now you're progressive?!
- What is the test?!
- You have to tell
- [BEEPING]
- [GAGGING]
Morty, Morty.
Two women. They both have to have names
and talk to each other
about something
- Rick!
- other than a man
Oh, Rick, listen to me.
Once upon a time,
my mom and my sister Listen to me!
Mom, can I try your tea?
Yes, Summer.
Yes. Try my tea.
It's so good. It's so warm.
Mom, can I talk to you
about my special time?
It's okay. I have one, too.
Mine is heavy today.
Mine is never light.
I love you ever since you were
mailed to me.
By a doctor woman.
Your special time is your power.
It makes you strong like a boob.
Strong against what?
Scorpions. Female Scorpions.
They're attacking outside. Come on.
Fight them with your heavy special time.
You do it, too.
[EPIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[CELLPHONES RING]
- Hello?
- Hello?
I'm that Supreme Court lady,
and you fucking did it.
- We did it!
- We did it!
[GRUNTS]
Great job, Morty.
A feminist masterpiece. Hey, look.
Guess who's got two penises
and all the agency?
Rick and Morty.
Story Lord.
I should've known you were
behind this, and I did.
- Who is this guy?
- Ugh.
He's like a Matrix Space Frasier.
Let's get this fight over with, nerd.
I've got shit to do.
You of all people know, Rick,
there can be no destination
without a journey.
I don't know that at all.
I regularly teleport.
Oh, of course. No rules for you.
Spiraling through the multiverse,
burping semi-improvised dialogue
about how nothing matters,
so we may as well pull out
our dicks and rub them
on fate's glaring teeth like
we're brushing fate's teeth,
but we're using your gross, dirty dick.
Must be nice.
- [SLURPS]
- Nobody's stopping you.
True. Not anymore.
[GRUNTS]
- Goddamn!
- We already did this.
Oh, is this a double beat? Oh, well.
Just how I adventure, dawg.
This is more impressive
than the Tickets Please Guy, though.
You are like 90% cum gutter.
It's called discipline. Watch this.
- God damn.
- Geez!
- Do we have to fight him?
- I don't want to.
We surrender. We're not fighting.
- [GRUNTING]
- Ow!
Ow!
Fucking kick your ass.
Ow!
Oh!
- [ALARM RINGING]
- Hey! Get back in your egg!
- What the
- Don't worry, Morty!
Nothing out there is canon!
[GRUNTS]
- We've got a pulse.
- Stay with me, Private.
Smith, listen to me. You were exposed
to a chemical that is
altering your mind.
To beat it, you have to hold on
- We're losing him.
- Aliens. Sarge?!
Morty, never forget the
highest truth of all
you're getting your
ass kicked on a train.
[GRUNTS]
Professor Sanchez?
Did it work?
I wouldn't say that, Marcus.
I'd say it fucking worked.
100% time dilation and total immersion.
Define "total."
Marcus, I've been back in
reality for three hours,
and I still have memories of
a completely different life.
I-I-I was a scientist still.
I-I-I was I-I-I had developed
inter-dimensional travel,
I-I-I-I had a daughter.
I-I didn't have a mustache.
I-I was kinda funny sometimes,
mostly burping.
No more secret testing.
I can help people now.
You've helped people.
I've hurt more.
- Aaah!
- P-P-Professor Sanchez.
I-I'm Morty Smith from the
the the the 241st.
They they put
your pill in our food.
- It it works.
- Call the police!
It's okay. It's okay. It's not real.
N-n-n-n-nothing's real.
- I'm sorry, son.
- I-i-it's okay. You aren't real.
[ALL SCREAMING]
God, you're right. I should
do more freeform stuff.
In you go.
- What's happening?
- The reason I brought you here.
I'll now fuel my anthology
with your limitless potential,
propelling it to its final stop
beyond the fifth wall.
You idiot. Our potential
isn't limitless.
You'll never break the fifth wall
before you've burnt us out.
Is that so? Oh, well. Win-win.
Rick, w-what's he doing?
He's trying to tap into
us, Morty. Resist.
I can't believe you're finally
headed off to college.
Yeah, you know, it really felt like
you were gonna be 17 forever.
For, like, 16 years, at least.
I can't believe I'm
tearing up over this.
Jesus, Rick, you know,
you've really softened up.
It's a human moment, Morty.
It's a human moment.
- Aaah!
- Aaah! It hurts!
[CRASHING]
Abradolph Lincoler?
I thought you were dead.
I'm very much alive,
and I need your help.
Yeah!
Shit. He's taking the good stuff, Morty.
Wait, is is any of this canon?
It could have been.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, dear.
Are there things Rick Sanchez
holds sacred after all?
[WHIRRING]
[BOTH GROANING]
[GRUNTS]
How did you find us?
[GRUNTING]
I trusted you!
Don't blame others for
your bad decisions.
[GRUNTING]
Resist, Morty!
Resist before he burns us out!
Oh, too late now!
What's wrong, Rick?
Don't you want to see
how your story ends?!
[LAUGHS]
♪
[ALL SHOUTING]
Holy shit, Rick. What do we
There there there's now way out!
You're right, Morty.
Sometimes it does seem
like there's no way out.
Like it's hopeless.
But remember, there's always
someone there for us.
- Who?
- My best friend
and personal savior, Jesus Christ.
What?! You you don't believe in God.
But He believes in us, Morty.
You know, I thought I was the inventor,
but the greatest invention of all
is the free gift of Eternal Life.
Is this are you fucking with me?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, trust me, Morty.
I've done plenty of effed
up stuff in my life.
But it's never too
late to accept Christ.
Jesus is always knocking at the door.
All we have to do is open it
- and let Him into our hearts.
- How?
I'm so glad you asked, Morty.
Just close your eyes
and go to Him in prayer.
Like this.
- Heavenly Father.
- Heavenly Father.
TOGETHER: Thank you for sending
your only begotten son.
What a second, no! What are you doing?!
Jesus, I accept you into my heart.
No! This sucks.
Stop! You guys would never do this.
TOGETHER: Fill me with your Spirit.
Make me a shining city
on a hill for you.
- No! No!
- Make me born again.
- No!
- In Jesus's name, we pray.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen!
- You did it!
- Way to go, Morty!
- Crossy.
Bible-Saurus. You made it.
We wouldn't miss this for anything!
You said it, Mr. Celery.
What the fuck is all of this?!
Greatest story ever told, Story Lord.
No, it's not. It's awful!
[WHOOSHING]
I beg your pardon?
Ah!
Goddamn.
- [ALL GASPING]
- My Lord and my God!
- No! No! It sucks in here.
- Let's get the fuck outta here.
Go, now.
Ugh. We're safe, Morty.
Nobody ever wanted to see that shit.
Wh-what's gonna happen to Story Lord?
He gets to spend eternity
in every writer's hell
- the Bible.
- I don't know.
Some people actually like that stuff.
Seems kind of cynical.
I just don't like taking
cheap shots, you know?
Cheap shots? Morty, we were literally
saved by Jesus Christ.
Tell me in any way how that's offensive.
This was a little confusing,
but I guess it brought us
closer together, you know?
Tested our demons.
Made us believe in
ourselves more than ever.
Yeah. You're right, Morty.
We got all that meta-canon
shit outta the way
and now we can just be ourselves.
Now what do you say we bring
this train into the station.
♪
Oh, shit.
MORTY: So what do you think?
Wow. Where did you get this thing?
The Citadel of Ricks Gift Shop.
Do you really like it?
I didn't think you'd even care.
What? Morty. No. I love it.
You did the most important thing.
You you bought something.
- What?
- You bought something.
With money. God. I love
money so much, Morty.
- Are you being sarcastic?
- Merchandise, Morty.
Your only purpose in life is to
buy and consume merchandise.
And you did it. You went into a store
an actual honest to God store
and you bought something.
You didn't ask questions or
raise ethical complaints.
You you just looked straight
into the bleeding jaws
of capitalism and said
"Yes, daddy, please."
And I'm I'm so proud of you.
I only wish you could've bought more.
I I love buying
things so much, Morty.
Rick, are are you
do you need to go to the hospital?
I love you, Morty. Give Grandpa a kiss.
Give give gimme
give Grandpa a kiss.
Lips if you want. What
whatever you're comfortable with.
Some cultures do that.
That was sweet. Thank you.
I I love you. You're my little buddy.
Okay.
Let's watch some Interdimensional Cable.
[TELEVISION CLICKS, STATIC CRACKLES]
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
So you're saying my father
and His kingdom
Well, yes it's based on the fusion
of a Sumerian god named "Ya"
and a Mesopotamian god named "Way."
And we're in a toy train?
Yes.
It's enough to really make you question
all of existence, isn't it?
So what do you think
you're gonna do about it?
I'm gonna do what I've always done.
I'm gonna get the fuck outta here.
Father of omens! Give
me blood beyond sight!
[CRACKLING]
Hey, what the fuck Morty?
The train you got me
just completely derailed itself.
There's blood all over
the windows on it.
Oh, man, I'm sorry, Rick.
I guess I'll return it.
Return Are you insane?
Did you hear nothing I said?
Buy another one, Morty.
Consume, Morty.
Nobody's out there shopping
with this fucking virus.
Where's your fucking wallet?!
♪
♪
♪
RICK: Tired of the
same boring adventures
with your dogshit Morty?
- Yeah!
- Aw. Geez.
Then get ready for the
Citadel of Rick's Story Train.
DEEP VOICE: Story Train. Story Train.
RICK: The Citadel of Rick's Story Train
comes with car after
car of enemies, lovers,
and Goomby, all grappling with
the nature of who you truly are.
Rick is a god! Tickets Please.
Whoa! Watch out! It's Story Lord!
Damn. He's jacked.
DEEP VOICE: Pure cum gutter.
RICK: And of course,
what story would be complete
without the engineer of the
Greatest Story Ever Told.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- JESUS: I have come not to judge
the world, but to save it.
RICK: And the best part
is, the fun never ends.
Thanks to the Rick-patented
anthology generator,
you'll never run out of new stories
- and people to tell them.
- Are they alive?
Of course. But not in
any ways that matter.
DEEP VOICE: They. Have. No. Souls.
Puppets. Of. Fate.
RICK: The Story Train. Available now
in The Citadel of Ricks.
Buy it ironically.
Buy it sincerely. Just buy it.
Not buying it is an act of buying it.
Buy it now. Look it up. It's real.
On the Internet. It's there.
Buy it. Buy the train.
We want you to buy the train.