The Exes (2011) s04e06 Episode Script
Dawn of the Dad
There they are, the birthday boy and girl.
I just want you guys to know everything's set for your party tomorrow night.
Again, Holly, I cannot thank you enough for throwing it.
Curious.
Your parents had two kids born on the same day four years apart? You ever do the math and figure out what got them all hot and bothered? Ew.
Ew.
No.
That's the last thing Summer Olympics.
Mom liked the Divers in Speedos, and dad had a thing for the big east German Gals.
Oh! He's not alone.
That's right.
That's right.
Drink it in.
So when does the rest of your boy band show up? You people have no taste whatsoever.
This ensemble was created by my hot, new, designer girlfriend.
Clothes by Verena, sexy by Phil.
By they way, she's coming to the party.
What?! And you're just telling me now? All right, look.
That's fine.
But no more surprises.
This party has to be perfect.
I don't get it.
Three days ago there was no party, and now it's the most important thing in your life.
That's because I realized two people I care deeply about are having a birthday.
And someone needed to step forward and say "I care.
" Okay, you have a 2:30 at Finley and Merle, and after, you can pick up birthday presents for Stuart and Nicki.
Ugh, do I have to? Stuart's so persnickety, and I barely know the other one.
You know what would be nice? If someone threw them a party.
Eden, I don't have time for that crap.
I got less than three months to find a husband.
And decent, single guys don't just appear out of thin air.
[Elevator dings.]
Oops.
Wrong floor.
Hello.
Are you new in the building? I just moved here from Atlanta.
I'm J.
D.
- I'm Holly.
- And I'm leaving.
So, J.
D.
, how do you like New York so far? I like it fine, but it's kind of hard to meet people.
Back home, people are always inviting you to a barbecue or a party.
I'm having a party! So if I can't do something special for two of my dearest friends, then what's life all about? - Holly, I'm so touched.
- Oh.
You know what, let me buy a drink for the most generous, loving woman I know.
You know, why don't you use that for your toast tomorrow night at the party? Guess what? That was dad.
He's coming to the party.
Well, at least now we have the theme for this year's party: A night in hell.
Please don't start.
Can't you just be happy that he's coming to see us? Oh, please.
He's coming to see you.
I've lived here for two years, he's never come to visit.
Although I guess I shouldn't complain.
I mean, all he does is take pot-shots at me.
Please, like I'm the only guy who makes his own potpourri.
Stuart, would you stop being so sensitive.
It's just good-natured teasing.
That's easy for you to say, you just do to whatever he wants.
- You're a pleaser.
- I am not.
Listen to me.
Okay, this is the first birthday since my divorce and I just want to have fun.
So promise me you're not gonna go all pouty and ruin it.
- Okay.
- Pouty.
[Upbeat music.]
What's with the box? Oh, it's a little something something from my hot new designer girlfriend, Verena.
Yeah.
"I can't wait to see you in these at the party.
And out of them later.
" Oh.
Yeah, buddy.
You gonna see me in these.
All right.
What are you looking for? Some lube and a shoehorn.
That's the only way you're getting in those.
[Knock at door.]
One second.
Hey, I'm Frank.
Stuart and Nicki's dad.
Yeah.
Nicki sent me up here to wait until she finishes her shift.
Of course.
Of course.
I'm Phil, Stuart's roommate.
It's nice to meet you.
Come right on in.
Thanks.
So, Phil, what do you do? I'm a sports agent.
- Sports, huh? - Yeah.
I can't imagine you and Stuart have much to talk about.
Ah.
No, I love hanging with Stuart.
He's more of a guy's guy than you think.
It's a disaster.
I'm completely out of vanilla beans.
Hey look, it's my son Martha Stuart.
What? I'm kidding.
Come here.
Hi, dad.
Good to see you.
Ow.
Sorry, I forgot to use my Stuart hug.
Well, uh, look If you'll excuse me, I'm going to grease myself up and try on some skinny jeans.
- Daddy! - Hey, there's my girl! Ah! Hey.
Now this one can take a hug.
I'm so glad you're here.
I missed you.
I've missed you too.
I got nobody to help me work on the boat.
It's just sitting in the driveway.
Oh, come on.
The closest it got to water was when you peed out the porthole.
Those were good times.
So, you ready for the big party tomorrow night? Yeah, I just hope I don't have to wait for Stuart to break the pinata.
I can only stay until Monday.
What? I'm kidding.
No.
No, you know what? You're not.
You're just taking shots at me like you always do.
It's the same stupid jokes over and over again, dad, and I'm sick of it.
Look, I'm sorry if I'm not the son that you had in mind, but if you took the time to actually get to know me, you might actually like me, because I'm a delight! I said it was good to see you earlier.
Guess what? It's not.
I come in for your party and this is how you talk to me? I didn't ask you to come.
Then I won't.
Dad, come on.
I'm sure Stuart didn't mean it.
He was kidding! Let's go, Nicki.
You just couldn't just leave it alone, right? Well, if dad's not coming neither am I.
Well, fine.
Then there'll be no party.
And I'll just stay home and delight myself.
Why, Eden darling.
What news do you bring of my gentleman caller? Well, he hails from fine Georgia stock.
C'mon, c'mon, what have you got? Give me the scoop.
Okay.
Turns out J.
D.
Works for a non-profit as an environmental lawyer.
Two lawyers.
We'll be a power couple.
And listen to this.
The reason why he left Atlanta was because he wanted to get married, but his girlfriend wouldn't commit.
I could be committed.
Yes, you could.
I know I'm getting a little carried away, but I have a good feeling about this guy.
This party was a stroke of genius.
[Door opens.]
Hey, Holly.
There he is! The man of the hour! Yeah, listen, about that Nicki, and my dad, and I had a huge fight.
So the party's off.
What?! No.
There has to be a party.
I mean the guests have been invited! - The arrangements have been made! - She made me wax her, Stuart.
Look, I can't be in the same room as my father unless he apologizes.
And Frank Gardner never apologizes.
[Door opens, closes.]
Well, I guess I better call the caterer and tell him there's no party.
Oh, there's going to be a party.
Heat up that wax.
You know where we stopped.
Can you believe that brother of yours? Well, don't you worry.
I'm taking you out for your birthday.
Where do you want to go? I'm thinking Italian.
Well, there's this new Japanese place Great, Italian it is! So, when are you gonna get this city out of your system and move back home? What, to Staten Island? But I love it here.
There's always something going on.
The same night you can go see Shakespeare in the Park then go to Chinatown and play tic-tac-toe with a chicken.
So you'll think about it.
I will think about it.
Hey, Haskell! Meet my dad.
Dad, this is Haskell.
Stuart's other roommate.
Frank Gardner.
Haskell Lutz.
Hey, nice watch you've got there.
Oh, this little trinket? Heh.
It's a rolex.
Yeah, and I'm Harry Potter.
- That's a knock-off.
- What makes you say that? You don't usually see a guy in $8.
00 shoes with a $10,000 watch.
What do you want for it? - Oh, no.
It's not for sale.
- I'll give you a hundred.
Oh, for a hundred bucks, I'll give you the shoes too.
Here we go.
FYI, all sales are final.
Give my best to Dumbledore.
Ah, there she is! The birthday girl! And you must be her rakishly handsome father.
Dad, that's Holly.
She was the one who was throwing the party.
You know, I heard about the fight.
It's just terrible when families quarrel, get their handsome noses all bent out of shape.
But, you know, in the cold light of day, don't we all say things we'd like to apologize for? Not me.
I got nothing to apologize for.
If anything, that kid should apologize to me.
And that's exactly why I'm here.
Stuart sent me to apologize for him.
- Really? - Yes, he did.
And he would love nothing more than to see you both at the party.
Why didn't he come here himself? Yeah, why didn't he? Why? Why Because he's ashamed.
So very ashamed.
Really? Look, if you don't believe me I'll just give him a call and you can ask him yourself.
No, no, that's okay.
As long as he's sorry, we'll be there.
Great! Oh and one more thing, don't bring this up at the party.
You know, it's a celebration! Let's keep things light.
Light, light, light! Stuart, I just ran into Nicki and your dad at the bar, and you're not gonna believe what happened.
They sent me up here to apologize.
My dad apologized? The man wouldn't play the game sorry with me unless we called it that's your problem.
Well, he did.
They both did.
And they would love nothing more than to see you at the party.
Why didn't they tell me themselves? That's easy.
'Cause they're ashamed, so very ashamed.
Really? Hey, if you don't believe me I'll give 'em a call.
You can ask them yourself.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
I believe you.
So, I guess we're back on for tonight.
Great! Oh and one other thing, don't bring this up at the party.
It's a celebration! Let's keep it light.
Light, light, light! Why J.
D.
, I'm so glad you could make it.
Welcome.
Holly, it was just so nice of you to invite me to your home.
You know, all of a sudden now this city seems a lot friendlier and prettier, too.
J.
D.
, you know, I want you to feel totally comfortable.
And since you don't know anyone, I think you should stick close to me, real close.
You sure know how to make a guy feel welcome.
Yes, I do.
I do.
Phil, come on already.
Oh Haskell, I can't walk that fast! I really hope these jeans break in before Verena gets here.
They're flattening out my junk! Ugh.
Look, I've got my own problems.
Turns out that fake rolex I bought is real.
Now I've got to give it back or come up with ten grand! And I don't think my relatives are gonna fall for another bar mitzvah.
There they are.
Welcome! Wow.
Look at this place.
I can't believe you did all this for me.
I certainly didn't do it for me.
Haha.
Thanks for throwing the party.
I'm just glad that, you know, Stuart came to his senses and apologized.
Yes, he did.
But let's not bring that up tonight, right? Right, right.
We're going to keep it light.
Light, light, light.
So, uh, any single guys here? Ooh! Who's that.
He's cute.
He's taken! Try some crab cakes.
Don't worry, honey.
I got a guy for you.
He's in my bowling league.
And I already like him, so he's pre-approved.
Dad, you picked out Tommy, and I was thinking maybe this time I'd find a guy who, I don't know, likes girls.
J.
D.
, I'd like you to meet the father of the birthday kids, Frank Gardner.
Nice to meet you, J.
D.
You too.
Wow, that is one beautiful watch.
You like this watch? - Take it.
- What? No, I couldn't.
Don't worry, it's a knock-off.
Besides, Holly did something nice for my kids, I'll do something nice for one of her friends.
Wow.
Thank you, Frank, that is awfully generous of you.
Those are the kind of people I surround myself with.
Dad.
Stuart.
- Nicki.
- Stuart.
What a lovely family, all together to celebrate such a special occasion.
I'm just glad we could put our differences behind us.
It's never easy to admit when you're wrong.
Especially when you are.
It takes a big man to apologize.
- Yes, it does.
- Yes, it does.
So, nice watch.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, Frank gave it to me.
Yeah.
I heard.
That was so thoughtful of him.
I'll give you a hundred bucks for it.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't feel right selling a present.
Sentimental, huh? Yeah, I get it.
150 really, I'm not int - Just give me the watch! - Haskell! - I I - He's trying to take my watch.
Uh, don't mind him.
He's a "special friend.
" I do volunteer work, too.
Haskell, let's go get you a treat.
[Haskell mumbles.]
[Phone vibrating.]
Hey.
Hey, buddy, can you do me a favor? Listen, I think my girlfriend's trying to call me right now, but I can't get my phone out of my pants.
Would you [Phone continues vibrating.]
Would you answer it for me? Oh, I don't know.
I don't think so.
C'mon man, answer a brother's pants! - Okay.
- All right, thank you.
Hello? No, this is a guy at the party.
It's somebody named Verena.
Oh, yeah.
That's my girlfriend.
What the hell is going on? This guy asked me to do him a favor.
Find your own man! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I know you are, Stuart.
And listen, thank you for the apology.
Dad and I really appreciated it.
What? I didn't apologize to you.
You and dad apologized to me.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Holly said you did.
Holly said you did.
Okay, we've been Holly'd.
So dad thinks that I backed down and apologized? I'm going to go set him straight.
No, no.
Come on, Stuart, please don't make a scene.
It's our birthday.
Can't we just enjoy it, please? Everybody, let's have the birthday boy and girl over here.
It is cake time.
Before we get started, I'm Frank Gardner, Stuart and Nicki's dad.
I'd like to give them their gifts.
- Aw.
- Dad got us gifts.
How sweet is that? - Here you go.
- Thank you.
- A taser? - Yeah, for protection.
New York's a dangerous place.
You got us tasers for our birthday? No, just you.
Nicki can handle herself.
Suck it up.
Suck it up.
Suck it up.
This is the most Wonderful gift! Practical and amusing.
- Open yours, sweetheart.
- Okay.
Oh, a key? A key to what? Your new apartment, baby! I got you a nice place real close to us on Staten Island.
Huh? Yeah, I paid the first month's rent.
You're moving home.
- No, I'm not moving home.
- But you said you would.
No, I said I would think about it, and I only said that to please you like I always do.
What the hell does that mean? Who wants cake? My entire life I have been pleasing you.
I stayed in Staten Island.
I married the guy you wanted me to.
I even took a job at your favorite restaurant.
Do you want to know why I moved to the city? To get away from you, to live my own life.
I don't know where this is coming from, but your brother had the decency to apologize.
I think you should too.
He didn't apologize.
Holly just said that to get you to the party.
You saying she lied to me? Yeah, she lied to all of us.
That's right.
I meant every word I said.
I don't have to listen to this.
Everybody! Happy birthday You know what, I'm gonna go.
This guy tried to steal my watch.
This guy made me talk to his pants.
And Now you're lying to your friends.
Goodbye, Holly.
J.
D.
, stop! This could work.
Don't go.
Everybody! Everybody back! Back! I have to check his pulse.
He's gonna be all right! [Sighs.]
I can't believe I said those things to daddy.
He's never going to forgive me.
Nicki, come on, you've been holding that stuff in for years.
- It needed to be said.
- No, it didn't.
You have a problem with your dad, you drink, you get tattoos, you gain a couple hundred pounds like a normal person.
Hey, dad.
If I ever had the nerve to say to my father what you two said to me today, you know what would have happened? I would've had a better relationship with him.
Huh? I never had the guts to stand up to him.
That's why we were never close.
And I don't want it to be that way with us.
So if you've got anything else to get off your chest, say it.
All right.
[Clears throat.]
Given the height of our pyramid, cheerleading was every bit as dangerous as playing football.
I guess it was.
Stuart, ever since you were a kid, I didn't get you.
I thought that was your problem, but turns out it was mine.
Nicki, you're my little girl.
And I loved being with you so much, I got greedy.
I never thought about what you wanted.
That's not true.
Okay, maybe a little.
Okay, maybe a lot.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry.
I love you kids.
I love you.
- Oh.
- Ow.
So, it's still your birthday.
Let me take you out.
How about Japanese? - I'd like that.
- So would I.
I'll just grab a slice later.
I just want you guys to know everything's set for your party tomorrow night.
Again, Holly, I cannot thank you enough for throwing it.
Curious.
Your parents had two kids born on the same day four years apart? You ever do the math and figure out what got them all hot and bothered? Ew.
Ew.
No.
That's the last thing Summer Olympics.
Mom liked the Divers in Speedos, and dad had a thing for the big east German Gals.
Oh! He's not alone.
That's right.
That's right.
Drink it in.
So when does the rest of your boy band show up? You people have no taste whatsoever.
This ensemble was created by my hot, new, designer girlfriend.
Clothes by Verena, sexy by Phil.
By they way, she's coming to the party.
What?! And you're just telling me now? All right, look.
That's fine.
But no more surprises.
This party has to be perfect.
I don't get it.
Three days ago there was no party, and now it's the most important thing in your life.
That's because I realized two people I care deeply about are having a birthday.
And someone needed to step forward and say "I care.
" Okay, you have a 2:30 at Finley and Merle, and after, you can pick up birthday presents for Stuart and Nicki.
Ugh, do I have to? Stuart's so persnickety, and I barely know the other one.
You know what would be nice? If someone threw them a party.
Eden, I don't have time for that crap.
I got less than three months to find a husband.
And decent, single guys don't just appear out of thin air.
[Elevator dings.]
Oops.
Wrong floor.
Hello.
Are you new in the building? I just moved here from Atlanta.
I'm J.
D.
- I'm Holly.
- And I'm leaving.
So, J.
D.
, how do you like New York so far? I like it fine, but it's kind of hard to meet people.
Back home, people are always inviting you to a barbecue or a party.
I'm having a party! So if I can't do something special for two of my dearest friends, then what's life all about? - Holly, I'm so touched.
- Oh.
You know what, let me buy a drink for the most generous, loving woman I know.
You know, why don't you use that for your toast tomorrow night at the party? Guess what? That was dad.
He's coming to the party.
Well, at least now we have the theme for this year's party: A night in hell.
Please don't start.
Can't you just be happy that he's coming to see us? Oh, please.
He's coming to see you.
I've lived here for two years, he's never come to visit.
Although I guess I shouldn't complain.
I mean, all he does is take pot-shots at me.
Please, like I'm the only guy who makes his own potpourri.
Stuart, would you stop being so sensitive.
It's just good-natured teasing.
That's easy for you to say, you just do to whatever he wants.
- You're a pleaser.
- I am not.
Listen to me.
Okay, this is the first birthday since my divorce and I just want to have fun.
So promise me you're not gonna go all pouty and ruin it.
- Okay.
- Pouty.
[Upbeat music.]
What's with the box? Oh, it's a little something something from my hot new designer girlfriend, Verena.
Yeah.
"I can't wait to see you in these at the party.
And out of them later.
" Oh.
Yeah, buddy.
You gonna see me in these.
All right.
What are you looking for? Some lube and a shoehorn.
That's the only way you're getting in those.
[Knock at door.]
One second.
Hey, I'm Frank.
Stuart and Nicki's dad.
Yeah.
Nicki sent me up here to wait until she finishes her shift.
Of course.
Of course.
I'm Phil, Stuart's roommate.
It's nice to meet you.
Come right on in.
Thanks.
So, Phil, what do you do? I'm a sports agent.
- Sports, huh? - Yeah.
I can't imagine you and Stuart have much to talk about.
Ah.
No, I love hanging with Stuart.
He's more of a guy's guy than you think.
It's a disaster.
I'm completely out of vanilla beans.
Hey look, it's my son Martha Stuart.
What? I'm kidding.
Come here.
Hi, dad.
Good to see you.
Ow.
Sorry, I forgot to use my Stuart hug.
Well, uh, look If you'll excuse me, I'm going to grease myself up and try on some skinny jeans.
- Daddy! - Hey, there's my girl! Ah! Hey.
Now this one can take a hug.
I'm so glad you're here.
I missed you.
I've missed you too.
I got nobody to help me work on the boat.
It's just sitting in the driveway.
Oh, come on.
The closest it got to water was when you peed out the porthole.
Those were good times.
So, you ready for the big party tomorrow night? Yeah, I just hope I don't have to wait for Stuart to break the pinata.
I can only stay until Monday.
What? I'm kidding.
No.
No, you know what? You're not.
You're just taking shots at me like you always do.
It's the same stupid jokes over and over again, dad, and I'm sick of it.
Look, I'm sorry if I'm not the son that you had in mind, but if you took the time to actually get to know me, you might actually like me, because I'm a delight! I said it was good to see you earlier.
Guess what? It's not.
I come in for your party and this is how you talk to me? I didn't ask you to come.
Then I won't.
Dad, come on.
I'm sure Stuart didn't mean it.
He was kidding! Let's go, Nicki.
You just couldn't just leave it alone, right? Well, if dad's not coming neither am I.
Well, fine.
Then there'll be no party.
And I'll just stay home and delight myself.
Why, Eden darling.
What news do you bring of my gentleman caller? Well, he hails from fine Georgia stock.
C'mon, c'mon, what have you got? Give me the scoop.
Okay.
Turns out J.
D.
Works for a non-profit as an environmental lawyer.
Two lawyers.
We'll be a power couple.
And listen to this.
The reason why he left Atlanta was because he wanted to get married, but his girlfriend wouldn't commit.
I could be committed.
Yes, you could.
I know I'm getting a little carried away, but I have a good feeling about this guy.
This party was a stroke of genius.
[Door opens.]
Hey, Holly.
There he is! The man of the hour! Yeah, listen, about that Nicki, and my dad, and I had a huge fight.
So the party's off.
What?! No.
There has to be a party.
I mean the guests have been invited! - The arrangements have been made! - She made me wax her, Stuart.
Look, I can't be in the same room as my father unless he apologizes.
And Frank Gardner never apologizes.
[Door opens, closes.]
Well, I guess I better call the caterer and tell him there's no party.
Oh, there's going to be a party.
Heat up that wax.
You know where we stopped.
Can you believe that brother of yours? Well, don't you worry.
I'm taking you out for your birthday.
Where do you want to go? I'm thinking Italian.
Well, there's this new Japanese place Great, Italian it is! So, when are you gonna get this city out of your system and move back home? What, to Staten Island? But I love it here.
There's always something going on.
The same night you can go see Shakespeare in the Park then go to Chinatown and play tic-tac-toe with a chicken.
So you'll think about it.
I will think about it.
Hey, Haskell! Meet my dad.
Dad, this is Haskell.
Stuart's other roommate.
Frank Gardner.
Haskell Lutz.
Hey, nice watch you've got there.
Oh, this little trinket? Heh.
It's a rolex.
Yeah, and I'm Harry Potter.
- That's a knock-off.
- What makes you say that? You don't usually see a guy in $8.
00 shoes with a $10,000 watch.
What do you want for it? - Oh, no.
It's not for sale.
- I'll give you a hundred.
Oh, for a hundred bucks, I'll give you the shoes too.
Here we go.
FYI, all sales are final.
Give my best to Dumbledore.
Ah, there she is! The birthday girl! And you must be her rakishly handsome father.
Dad, that's Holly.
She was the one who was throwing the party.
You know, I heard about the fight.
It's just terrible when families quarrel, get their handsome noses all bent out of shape.
But, you know, in the cold light of day, don't we all say things we'd like to apologize for? Not me.
I got nothing to apologize for.
If anything, that kid should apologize to me.
And that's exactly why I'm here.
Stuart sent me to apologize for him.
- Really? - Yes, he did.
And he would love nothing more than to see you both at the party.
Why didn't he come here himself? Yeah, why didn't he? Why? Why Because he's ashamed.
So very ashamed.
Really? Look, if you don't believe me I'll just give him a call and you can ask him yourself.
No, no, that's okay.
As long as he's sorry, we'll be there.
Great! Oh and one more thing, don't bring this up at the party.
You know, it's a celebration! Let's keep things light.
Light, light, light! Stuart, I just ran into Nicki and your dad at the bar, and you're not gonna believe what happened.
They sent me up here to apologize.
My dad apologized? The man wouldn't play the game sorry with me unless we called it that's your problem.
Well, he did.
They both did.
And they would love nothing more than to see you at the party.
Why didn't they tell me themselves? That's easy.
'Cause they're ashamed, so very ashamed.
Really? Hey, if you don't believe me I'll give 'em a call.
You can ask them yourself.
No, no, no.
That's okay.
I believe you.
So, I guess we're back on for tonight.
Great! Oh and one other thing, don't bring this up at the party.
It's a celebration! Let's keep it light.
Light, light, light! Why J.
D.
, I'm so glad you could make it.
Welcome.
Holly, it was just so nice of you to invite me to your home.
You know, all of a sudden now this city seems a lot friendlier and prettier, too.
J.
D.
, you know, I want you to feel totally comfortable.
And since you don't know anyone, I think you should stick close to me, real close.
You sure know how to make a guy feel welcome.
Yes, I do.
I do.
Phil, come on already.
Oh Haskell, I can't walk that fast! I really hope these jeans break in before Verena gets here.
They're flattening out my junk! Ugh.
Look, I've got my own problems.
Turns out that fake rolex I bought is real.
Now I've got to give it back or come up with ten grand! And I don't think my relatives are gonna fall for another bar mitzvah.
There they are.
Welcome! Wow.
Look at this place.
I can't believe you did all this for me.
I certainly didn't do it for me.
Haha.
Thanks for throwing the party.
I'm just glad that, you know, Stuart came to his senses and apologized.
Yes, he did.
But let's not bring that up tonight, right? Right, right.
We're going to keep it light.
Light, light, light.
So, uh, any single guys here? Ooh! Who's that.
He's cute.
He's taken! Try some crab cakes.
Don't worry, honey.
I got a guy for you.
He's in my bowling league.
And I already like him, so he's pre-approved.
Dad, you picked out Tommy, and I was thinking maybe this time I'd find a guy who, I don't know, likes girls.
J.
D.
, I'd like you to meet the father of the birthday kids, Frank Gardner.
Nice to meet you, J.
D.
You too.
Wow, that is one beautiful watch.
You like this watch? - Take it.
- What? No, I couldn't.
Don't worry, it's a knock-off.
Besides, Holly did something nice for my kids, I'll do something nice for one of her friends.
Wow.
Thank you, Frank, that is awfully generous of you.
Those are the kind of people I surround myself with.
Dad.
Stuart.
- Nicki.
- Stuart.
What a lovely family, all together to celebrate such a special occasion.
I'm just glad we could put our differences behind us.
It's never easy to admit when you're wrong.
Especially when you are.
It takes a big man to apologize.
- Yes, it does.
- Yes, it does.
So, nice watch.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, Frank gave it to me.
Yeah.
I heard.
That was so thoughtful of him.
I'll give you a hundred bucks for it.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't feel right selling a present.
Sentimental, huh? Yeah, I get it.
150 really, I'm not int - Just give me the watch! - Haskell! - I I - He's trying to take my watch.
Uh, don't mind him.
He's a "special friend.
" I do volunteer work, too.
Haskell, let's go get you a treat.
[Haskell mumbles.]
[Phone vibrating.]
Hey.
Hey, buddy, can you do me a favor? Listen, I think my girlfriend's trying to call me right now, but I can't get my phone out of my pants.
Would you [Phone continues vibrating.]
Would you answer it for me? Oh, I don't know.
I don't think so.
C'mon man, answer a brother's pants! - Okay.
- All right, thank you.
Hello? No, this is a guy at the party.
It's somebody named Verena.
Oh, yeah.
That's my girlfriend.
What the hell is going on? This guy asked me to do him a favor.
Find your own man! Oh, I'm so sorry.
I know you are, Stuart.
And listen, thank you for the apology.
Dad and I really appreciated it.
What? I didn't apologize to you.
You and dad apologized to me.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Holly said you did.
Holly said you did.
Okay, we've been Holly'd.
So dad thinks that I backed down and apologized? I'm going to go set him straight.
No, no.
Come on, Stuart, please don't make a scene.
It's our birthday.
Can't we just enjoy it, please? Everybody, let's have the birthday boy and girl over here.
It is cake time.
Before we get started, I'm Frank Gardner, Stuart and Nicki's dad.
I'd like to give them their gifts.
- Aw.
- Dad got us gifts.
How sweet is that? - Here you go.
- Thank you.
- A taser? - Yeah, for protection.
New York's a dangerous place.
You got us tasers for our birthday? No, just you.
Nicki can handle herself.
Suck it up.
Suck it up.
Suck it up.
This is the most Wonderful gift! Practical and amusing.
- Open yours, sweetheart.
- Okay.
Oh, a key? A key to what? Your new apartment, baby! I got you a nice place real close to us on Staten Island.
Huh? Yeah, I paid the first month's rent.
You're moving home.
- No, I'm not moving home.
- But you said you would.
No, I said I would think about it, and I only said that to please you like I always do.
What the hell does that mean? Who wants cake? My entire life I have been pleasing you.
I stayed in Staten Island.
I married the guy you wanted me to.
I even took a job at your favorite restaurant.
Do you want to know why I moved to the city? To get away from you, to live my own life.
I don't know where this is coming from, but your brother had the decency to apologize.
I think you should too.
He didn't apologize.
Holly just said that to get you to the party.
You saying she lied to me? Yeah, she lied to all of us.
That's right.
I meant every word I said.
I don't have to listen to this.
Everybody! Happy birthday You know what, I'm gonna go.
This guy tried to steal my watch.
This guy made me talk to his pants.
And Now you're lying to your friends.
Goodbye, Holly.
J.
D.
, stop! This could work.
Don't go.
Everybody! Everybody back! Back! I have to check his pulse.
He's gonna be all right! [Sighs.]
I can't believe I said those things to daddy.
He's never going to forgive me.
Nicki, come on, you've been holding that stuff in for years.
- It needed to be said.
- No, it didn't.
You have a problem with your dad, you drink, you get tattoos, you gain a couple hundred pounds like a normal person.
Hey, dad.
If I ever had the nerve to say to my father what you two said to me today, you know what would have happened? I would've had a better relationship with him.
Huh? I never had the guts to stand up to him.
That's why we were never close.
And I don't want it to be that way with us.
So if you've got anything else to get off your chest, say it.
All right.
[Clears throat.]
Given the height of our pyramid, cheerleading was every bit as dangerous as playing football.
I guess it was.
Stuart, ever since you were a kid, I didn't get you.
I thought that was your problem, but turns out it was mine.
Nicki, you're my little girl.
And I loved being with you so much, I got greedy.
I never thought about what you wanted.
That's not true.
Okay, maybe a little.
Okay, maybe a lot.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry.
I love you kids.
I love you.
- Oh.
- Ow.
So, it's still your birthday.
Let me take you out.
How about Japanese? - I'd like that.
- So would I.
I'll just grab a slice later.