The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s04e06 Episode Script
Will Goes a-Courtin'
Everything is fine, Vivian.
Tell Ashley and Nicky that I miss them too.
Okay? Okay, love you.
Oh, kiss your sister for me.
God knows I wouldn't do it.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Well, Daddy, L.
A.
's favorite weather girl is ready to go back to work.
- With that on? - Oh, I know, I'm tired of black too but I want the public to know I'm still mourning Trevor's death.
You know, I just don't think that black is the right color for this kind of heat.
Oh, don't worry, Daddy, this dress is surprisingly cool.
It's like I'm wearing practically nothing.
She's not my daughter.
Dad, when are you gonna get the air conditioner fixed? It's sweltering in our place.
Yeah, man, it's so hot out there the Uh-Huh Girls just went: Everybody keeps talking about this heat wave.
Maybe I should mention it in today's weather report.
You know, that girl has got the mind of Willard Scott.
Hey.
Come to think of it, you got his body.
Y'all should team up.
No, check it out.
On the serious tip, you got to fix our air conditioner today.
We got some people coming over for a party.
And as good hosts, we'd prefer that they didn't melt.
Sorry, Uncle Phil has left the building.
You're now talking to landlord Banks and he's not fixing anything until he gets his rent.
You'll get the rent when we get the air.
What did you say? I'm sorry, was I talking out loud? You know what, Uncle Phil? Forget it, you win.
We'll just move our little somethin'-somethin' from inside to poolside.
Oh, no, you don't.
No rent, no pool, no party, no nothing.
What does he mean by "no nothing"? Oh, don't worry about it, it's a double negative.
- What's this? - A bill for your breakfast.
Dad, this is an outrage! Three dollars for orange juice? Oh, and I've taken the liberty of adding a 15-percent gratuity.
Carlton.
Of course you know this means war! It certainly does.
And we're gonna win, right, Dad? Girl, let me tell you, switching this to a pool party was a stroke of genius.
Why do you say that? Oh, couple of reasons.
Girl, I got to tell you, that suit look like a piece of "good God" wrapped up in some "have mercy" with a side of: Really? I mean, you don't think it's too revealing? Well, if it is, your secret's safe with me.
You know? You know? Come on, let's get out of this heat before I pop something, you know.
Thank you, Chet.
It's good to be back.
Yes, I'm here at the Farmers Market, and as you can see my fans haven 't forgotten me.
Why haven 't you answered any of my letters? Well, the good news is the heat wave is over.
L.
A.
Will have a high tomorrow of only 65.
Oh, sorry, that "LA" stands for Louisiana.
Our high will be 112.
Well, they have the same abbreviation.
This is Hilary Banks surrounded by ordinary people at the Farmers Market.
Now back to you, Chet.
Don 't any of you touch me.
I can't believe she wore that dress.
- Would you like a Swedish meatball, sir? - Don't mind if I do.
Only one, sir.
The rest are for Master William and his friends, poolside.
What? I can't believe that he would deliberately disobey me! I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir.
It's more like outright defiance.
That's it! Dance puppets, dance! Hi, Carlton.
Hi, Steffi, what are you doing here? I heard the party and I came to see if Ashley was home.
Well, she's away at her Aunt Helen's.
Now, run along.
I don't think you're age-appropriate for this party.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going swimming.
Hey, Will, any sign of Dad yet? Well That's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.
I'm going swimming in the neighbor's pool.
Carlton, listen.
We have to stand up to him, man.
If he smells fear, he'll attack.
- How dare you two defy me.
- Now, see here, big guy.
Oh, my God, Howard! Come on, Will, let's get wet.
Young lady, would you mind putting on some clothes and going home.
Now.
Whoa, baby, baby, baby.
What you doing? You embarrassing me in front of my friends.
You should have thought of that before you defied me.
Hi, Mr.
Banks.
Steffi, do your parents know you're here? I don't think so.
They're in Aspen.
And I'm in heaven.
She came over here on her own.
Will, I am going back in the house, and when I come out I want all of these people gone.
Well, they will be if you come out in the morning, Uncle Phil.
Wait, wait.
Let me get this straight, young man.
You are telling me what will or will not happen in my own house? Excuse me, but this is my house.
I pay rent here too, eventually.
You watch how you talk to me.
Well, then, Uncle Phil, stop treating me like a child.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a man.
That's right.
It's me, Will Smith.
- Oh, well.
- Man.
I guess you're ready to play a man's game, huh? All right, Will, if that's the way you want it.
Don't come back, neither.
G, is Uncle Phil around? The coast is clear.
He's in court.
Geoffrey, could you get us some breakfast? I'm not allowed to serve you anymore.
Mr.
Banks' orders.
G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night? Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.
What, a sit-up? It's a bit more serious than that, I'm afraid.
You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams barbecued ribs left over from yesterday? Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, it's still there.
Oh, I'm afraid.
- Hold me, Will.
- Get off of me, man.
I don't know why I ever listen to you.
I was content having my father push me around for the rest of my life.
Now who knows what he's gonna do to us.
Relax, man, what's he gonna do, sue us? Oh, gosh, now you've gone and spoiled the surprise.
- What's this? - Subpoenas from your father.
And may I say, it's been a pleasure serving you.
Case dismissed.
This is the last case of the day, number 1218 Phillip Banks v.
Will Smith and Carlton Banks for nonpayment of rent.
Philip, I can't believe you're suing your own son and nephew.
Oh, relax, Lois, this is just a little lesson in responsibility.
They're probably not gonna show up.
In fact, they're probably home now, preparing their apologies.
Looks like they've prepared more than an apology.
Mr.
Banks, your opening statement.
I don't have an opening statement.
- Mr.
Smith.
- Thank you.
Your Honor, I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised.
On the playground is where I spent most of my days.
I don't have a big bag of fancy courtroom tricks.
Or a high-priced degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary, Judge Philip Banks.
- But what I do have is the truth! - Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, Mr.
Smith is making a mockery of the entire legal system.
And this man is making a mockery of a finely cut Italian suit.
Order in the court.
Mr.
Banks, will you please call your first witness.
- I don't have a witness.
- I do, Your Honor.
Fine.
Mr.
Smith, call your first witness.
Your Honor, I'd like to call someone who's not afraid to tell the truth no matter what landlord Banks might do to him.
Someone who knows the plaintiff intimately.
Like a son, one might say.
Oh, that's great, Will, who do we have? You, dummy.
When we prepared this case, you didn't say I had to speak against my father.
You don't.
Just read it.
"The night was hot, forcing our party outdoors.
Will Smith, who is neat, considerate and responsible smile at me, was having" Smile at me? Oh, I get it.
- No further questions, Your Honor.
- Hold it.
I'd like to cross-examine the witness, Your Honor.
All right, I'm guilty! I'm guilty! - That will be all.
- You may step down.
Welcome to my turf.
How did I do? Your Honor, I'd like to call my next witness, Miss Hilary Banks.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, boy.
Will you please take the stand? Certainly, Your Honor.
Do you swear to tell the truth so help you God? - I do.
Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct? Yes.
And would you please tell us of your experiences there.
Am I under oath? Of course.
Well, Trevor would come over at about Objection! That does it! You may step down.
Mr.
Banks, the court would like to know the impetus for this little lesson that's being learned, and make it quick.
I have a 5:00 hair appointment.
Your Honor, I will show that my tenants were openly hostile and defiant leaving me to believe no rent was forthcoming.
Why, I was reading in my study late one night Yo, yo, man, this party is dumb! No, man, this party is stupid! No, no, no, this party is crazy, fly, dumb, deaf, doogy! - You the man! You the man! - You the man! Hi there.
I see you're having a gathering.
Isn't that wonderful.
Hey, Pops, you popped my duck.
I'm sorry, son.
Here, here's $ 100.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Hi.
Will, where's your aunt's gold watch that you promised me? In time, baby, in time.
Why don't you go on, cool off in the pool a little bit? Go on, girl.
Hey, hey, look, look, check it out, Heavy P.
Now, why don't you take your Humpty Dumpty butt on back up to the main house, because you're embarrassing us out here.
You know what I'm saying? I understand.
Kids don't like to have adults hanging around their parties, but - Word.
- Well, could you? Could you turn your music down just a drop? We have to consider our neighbors.
I am, dude.
Right now I'm considering their 15-year-old daughter.
Hi, Mr.
Banks.
Steffi, do your parents know you're here? To hell with my parents.
Will taught me that.
You know, she came over here on her own, chief.
Oh, I believe you.
Well, I guess I better go back in the house.
Well, I know I can trust you.
I know we've had our differences, but, boy, you're a great kid.
Boy?! You call me "boy"? You better step to me like a man! Now get to stepping! Now get to stepping! Okay, Will, if that's the way you want it.
Oh, please! Your Honor, that is not the way it went down.
How did it go down, Mr.
Smith? I'm glad you asked me that question.
Check it out, the night was so hot people was pulling up on camels, right? So listen Gayle, would you mind if I commented on your swimsuit? Don't tell me, it's too revealing? Oh, just a little bit, you know.
I've got some old T-shirts in there that I was gonna drop off for the homeless but you're welcome to put one on to cover up.
Oh, Will, my parents adore you.
Oh, Gayle, bring out that book of hymns I was telling you about.
Oh, this heat is unbearable.
I need to take a dip in the pool.
Safety first, my little non-swimmer.
Only if Dad would fix the air conditioner in the pool house we wouldn't have to be out in this sweltering heat.
How could he be so cruel? He's mad, I tell you, mad.
Stop it.
You will not speak of Uncle Phil that way.
He may be an unreasonable, pigheaded dictator but he is your father and my uncle, and you will show him some respect.
You're right, Will.
Thanks.
It's It's It's him.
Do you know how humiliating it is to have a son who can't swim? - Listen, Uncle Phil - Silence.
If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
- Hello, Mr.
Banks.
- What's she doing here? She wandered over, lonely and crying.
I didn't have the heart to turn her away.
Hit the bricks, you little tramp! Out of here! And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend! I'm going back into the house, and when I come out I want all these freeloading parasites out of here! Yes, sir, within the hour.
- Five minutes! - Four.
All right, Will if that's the way you want it.
And then he slapped me with a subpoena.
- Thank you, Mr.
Smith.
- You're welcome.
Mr.
Banks, will you please approach the bench.
Is that victory I smell? I am disappointed in you for allowing your family relationship to come to this.
- That's what we saying.
- Shame.
Yeah, ju Oh, shame.
In lieu of a written lease, the law stipulates a landlord must provide his tenants with electricity, gas and plumbing.
Yeah.
However, air conditioning is considered a luxury.
Rent cannot be withheld based on a malfunctioning appliance.
Meaning? - Meaning you'll have to pay the rent.
- Yes! This will be a good one for the cocktail parties, Philip.
We're going to appeal this decision.
I intend to cite the landmark case of Rhode Island v.
Schechter Poultry.
That has to do with the right to hang dead chickens in a butcher-shop window.
Well, then, you see where I'm going with this.
Guess this whole thing got a little out of hand, huh? Yeah.
Will Look, let's try not to let this ever happen again, huh? I don't want your hand, I want my rent.
Oh, man, I don't believe Did you learn nothing from all this mess? Yeah, never rent to relatives.
What did we go through this whole episode for? - Money.
- Well, you could at least say you're sorry.
Not until you say it first.
Will you please take the stand? Certainly, Your Honor.
Do you swear to tell the truth, so help you God? I'm sorry.
Tell Ashley and Nicky that I miss them too.
Okay? Okay, love you.
Oh, kiss your sister for me.
God knows I wouldn't do it.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Well, Daddy, L.
A.
's favorite weather girl is ready to go back to work.
- With that on? - Oh, I know, I'm tired of black too but I want the public to know I'm still mourning Trevor's death.
You know, I just don't think that black is the right color for this kind of heat.
Oh, don't worry, Daddy, this dress is surprisingly cool.
It's like I'm wearing practically nothing.
She's not my daughter.
Dad, when are you gonna get the air conditioner fixed? It's sweltering in our place.
Yeah, man, it's so hot out there the Uh-Huh Girls just went: Everybody keeps talking about this heat wave.
Maybe I should mention it in today's weather report.
You know, that girl has got the mind of Willard Scott.
Hey.
Come to think of it, you got his body.
Y'all should team up.
No, check it out.
On the serious tip, you got to fix our air conditioner today.
We got some people coming over for a party.
And as good hosts, we'd prefer that they didn't melt.
Sorry, Uncle Phil has left the building.
You're now talking to landlord Banks and he's not fixing anything until he gets his rent.
You'll get the rent when we get the air.
What did you say? I'm sorry, was I talking out loud? You know what, Uncle Phil? Forget it, you win.
We'll just move our little somethin'-somethin' from inside to poolside.
Oh, no, you don't.
No rent, no pool, no party, no nothing.
What does he mean by "no nothing"? Oh, don't worry about it, it's a double negative.
- What's this? - A bill for your breakfast.
Dad, this is an outrage! Three dollars for orange juice? Oh, and I've taken the liberty of adding a 15-percent gratuity.
Carlton.
Of course you know this means war! It certainly does.
And we're gonna win, right, Dad? Girl, let me tell you, switching this to a pool party was a stroke of genius.
Why do you say that? Oh, couple of reasons.
Girl, I got to tell you, that suit look like a piece of "good God" wrapped up in some "have mercy" with a side of: Really? I mean, you don't think it's too revealing? Well, if it is, your secret's safe with me.
You know? You know? Come on, let's get out of this heat before I pop something, you know.
Thank you, Chet.
It's good to be back.
Yes, I'm here at the Farmers Market, and as you can see my fans haven 't forgotten me.
Why haven 't you answered any of my letters? Well, the good news is the heat wave is over.
L.
A.
Will have a high tomorrow of only 65.
Oh, sorry, that "LA" stands for Louisiana.
Our high will be 112.
Well, they have the same abbreviation.
This is Hilary Banks surrounded by ordinary people at the Farmers Market.
Now back to you, Chet.
Don 't any of you touch me.
I can't believe she wore that dress.
- Would you like a Swedish meatball, sir? - Don't mind if I do.
Only one, sir.
The rest are for Master William and his friends, poolside.
What? I can't believe that he would deliberately disobey me! I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir.
It's more like outright defiance.
That's it! Dance puppets, dance! Hi, Carlton.
Hi, Steffi, what are you doing here? I heard the party and I came to see if Ashley was home.
Well, she's away at her Aunt Helen's.
Now, run along.
I don't think you're age-appropriate for this party.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going swimming.
Hey, Will, any sign of Dad yet? Well That's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.
I'm going swimming in the neighbor's pool.
Carlton, listen.
We have to stand up to him, man.
If he smells fear, he'll attack.
- How dare you two defy me.
- Now, see here, big guy.
Oh, my God, Howard! Come on, Will, let's get wet.
Young lady, would you mind putting on some clothes and going home.
Now.
Whoa, baby, baby, baby.
What you doing? You embarrassing me in front of my friends.
You should have thought of that before you defied me.
Hi, Mr.
Banks.
Steffi, do your parents know you're here? I don't think so.
They're in Aspen.
And I'm in heaven.
She came over here on her own.
Will, I am going back in the house, and when I come out I want all of these people gone.
Well, they will be if you come out in the morning, Uncle Phil.
Wait, wait.
Let me get this straight, young man.
You are telling me what will or will not happen in my own house? Excuse me, but this is my house.
I pay rent here too, eventually.
You watch how you talk to me.
Well, then, Uncle Phil, stop treating me like a child.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a man.
That's right.
It's me, Will Smith.
- Oh, well.
- Man.
I guess you're ready to play a man's game, huh? All right, Will, if that's the way you want it.
Don't come back, neither.
G, is Uncle Phil around? The coast is clear.
He's in court.
Geoffrey, could you get us some breakfast? I'm not allowed to serve you anymore.
Mr.
Banks' orders.
G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night? Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.
What, a sit-up? It's a bit more serious than that, I'm afraid.
You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams barbecued ribs left over from yesterday? Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, it's still there.
Oh, I'm afraid.
- Hold me, Will.
- Get off of me, man.
I don't know why I ever listen to you.
I was content having my father push me around for the rest of my life.
Now who knows what he's gonna do to us.
Relax, man, what's he gonna do, sue us? Oh, gosh, now you've gone and spoiled the surprise.
- What's this? - Subpoenas from your father.
And may I say, it's been a pleasure serving you.
Case dismissed.
This is the last case of the day, number 1218 Phillip Banks v.
Will Smith and Carlton Banks for nonpayment of rent.
Philip, I can't believe you're suing your own son and nephew.
Oh, relax, Lois, this is just a little lesson in responsibility.
They're probably not gonna show up.
In fact, they're probably home now, preparing their apologies.
Looks like they've prepared more than an apology.
Mr.
Banks, your opening statement.
I don't have an opening statement.
- Mr.
Smith.
- Thank you.
Your Honor, I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised.
On the playground is where I spent most of my days.
I don't have a big bag of fancy courtroom tricks.
Or a high-priced degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary, Judge Philip Banks.
- But what I do have is the truth! - Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, Mr.
Smith is making a mockery of the entire legal system.
And this man is making a mockery of a finely cut Italian suit.
Order in the court.
Mr.
Banks, will you please call your first witness.
- I don't have a witness.
- I do, Your Honor.
Fine.
Mr.
Smith, call your first witness.
Your Honor, I'd like to call someone who's not afraid to tell the truth no matter what landlord Banks might do to him.
Someone who knows the plaintiff intimately.
Like a son, one might say.
Oh, that's great, Will, who do we have? You, dummy.
When we prepared this case, you didn't say I had to speak against my father.
You don't.
Just read it.
"The night was hot, forcing our party outdoors.
Will Smith, who is neat, considerate and responsible smile at me, was having" Smile at me? Oh, I get it.
- No further questions, Your Honor.
- Hold it.
I'd like to cross-examine the witness, Your Honor.
All right, I'm guilty! I'm guilty! - That will be all.
- You may step down.
Welcome to my turf.
How did I do? Your Honor, I'd like to call my next witness, Miss Hilary Banks.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, boy.
Will you please take the stand? Certainly, Your Honor.
Do you swear to tell the truth so help you God? - I do.
Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct? Yes.
And would you please tell us of your experiences there.
Am I under oath? Of course.
Well, Trevor would come over at about Objection! That does it! You may step down.
Mr.
Banks, the court would like to know the impetus for this little lesson that's being learned, and make it quick.
I have a 5:00 hair appointment.
Your Honor, I will show that my tenants were openly hostile and defiant leaving me to believe no rent was forthcoming.
Why, I was reading in my study late one night Yo, yo, man, this party is dumb! No, man, this party is stupid! No, no, no, this party is crazy, fly, dumb, deaf, doogy! - You the man! You the man! - You the man! Hi there.
I see you're having a gathering.
Isn't that wonderful.
Hey, Pops, you popped my duck.
I'm sorry, son.
Here, here's $ 100.
Yeah, that's more like it.
Hi.
Will, where's your aunt's gold watch that you promised me? In time, baby, in time.
Why don't you go on, cool off in the pool a little bit? Go on, girl.
Hey, hey, look, look, check it out, Heavy P.
Now, why don't you take your Humpty Dumpty butt on back up to the main house, because you're embarrassing us out here.
You know what I'm saying? I understand.
Kids don't like to have adults hanging around their parties, but - Word.
- Well, could you? Could you turn your music down just a drop? We have to consider our neighbors.
I am, dude.
Right now I'm considering their 15-year-old daughter.
Hi, Mr.
Banks.
Steffi, do your parents know you're here? To hell with my parents.
Will taught me that.
You know, she came over here on her own, chief.
Oh, I believe you.
Well, I guess I better go back in the house.
Well, I know I can trust you.
I know we've had our differences, but, boy, you're a great kid.
Boy?! You call me "boy"? You better step to me like a man! Now get to stepping! Now get to stepping! Okay, Will, if that's the way you want it.
Oh, please! Your Honor, that is not the way it went down.
How did it go down, Mr.
Smith? I'm glad you asked me that question.
Check it out, the night was so hot people was pulling up on camels, right? So listen Gayle, would you mind if I commented on your swimsuit? Don't tell me, it's too revealing? Oh, just a little bit, you know.
I've got some old T-shirts in there that I was gonna drop off for the homeless but you're welcome to put one on to cover up.
Oh, Will, my parents adore you.
Oh, Gayle, bring out that book of hymns I was telling you about.
Oh, this heat is unbearable.
I need to take a dip in the pool.
Safety first, my little non-swimmer.
Only if Dad would fix the air conditioner in the pool house we wouldn't have to be out in this sweltering heat.
How could he be so cruel? He's mad, I tell you, mad.
Stop it.
You will not speak of Uncle Phil that way.
He may be an unreasonable, pigheaded dictator but he is your father and my uncle, and you will show him some respect.
You're right, Will.
Thanks.
It's It's It's him.
Do you know how humiliating it is to have a son who can't swim? - Listen, Uncle Phil - Silence.
If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
- Hello, Mr.
Banks.
- What's she doing here? She wandered over, lonely and crying.
I didn't have the heart to turn her away.
Hit the bricks, you little tramp! Out of here! And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend! I'm going back into the house, and when I come out I want all these freeloading parasites out of here! Yes, sir, within the hour.
- Five minutes! - Four.
All right, Will if that's the way you want it.
And then he slapped me with a subpoena.
- Thank you, Mr.
Smith.
- You're welcome.
Mr.
Banks, will you please approach the bench.
Is that victory I smell? I am disappointed in you for allowing your family relationship to come to this.
- That's what we saying.
- Shame.
Yeah, ju Oh, shame.
In lieu of a written lease, the law stipulates a landlord must provide his tenants with electricity, gas and plumbing.
Yeah.
However, air conditioning is considered a luxury.
Rent cannot be withheld based on a malfunctioning appliance.
Meaning? - Meaning you'll have to pay the rent.
- Yes! This will be a good one for the cocktail parties, Philip.
We're going to appeal this decision.
I intend to cite the landmark case of Rhode Island v.
Schechter Poultry.
That has to do with the right to hang dead chickens in a butcher-shop window.
Well, then, you see where I'm going with this.
Guess this whole thing got a little out of hand, huh? Yeah.
Will Look, let's try not to let this ever happen again, huh? I don't want your hand, I want my rent.
Oh, man, I don't believe Did you learn nothing from all this mess? Yeah, never rent to relatives.
What did we go through this whole episode for? - Money.
- Well, you could at least say you're sorry.
Not until you say it first.
Will you please take the stand? Certainly, Your Honor.
Do you swear to tell the truth, so help you God? I'm sorry.