The IT Crowd s04e06 Episode Script

1 And every other day, I take a short helicopter ride to Heston Blumenthal's restaurant.
Last night, I ate a chocolate radio that still worked in my stomach, and a flat chicken that was actually a glass of water.
Even the menu was edible.
They said it wasn't, but I ate it.
Sounds like you're living the life of Riley.
Well, I actually knew Riley, and yes, there are similarities.
And yet, there is some sadness in your life.
Tell me about Victoria.
You'll have to forgive me, there's been quite a few Victorias.
Your wife? Oh, my God, my wife, oh yes, Victoria! What a fantastic woman.
The two weeks we were married were unforgettable.
She disappeared in mysterious circumstances, did she not? She vanished while washing the car.
Despite a search that lasted nearly five hours, we found nothing.
So naturally, we assumed the worst.
- You must miss her.
- More than words could say.
I'd give anything to see her walk through that door right now.
Hey, why don't you take your clothes off? - What? - Come on! We both knew it was on the cards as soon as I realised you were a woman! What if someone were to walk in? I left strict instructions not to be disturbed in case we had sex.
There's no way anyone is walking through that door Hello, Douglas.
Victoria! But I thought you were dead! I must say, Douglas, you still don't seem very pleased to see me.
No, no, I must have eaten some bad stereo system.
- How's the wine? - Exquisite.
From the chef's own cellar.
What are you doing, Victoria? Last time I saw you, you were Washing the car? Yes, I imagine you have many questions.
I was under a lot of stress that day, Douglas.
I think we both were.
We both knew it wasn't working.
I picked up my sponge and bucket with a heavy heart that day.
The rest is a blank.
The next thing I can remember with any clarity is being on a kayaking holiday two years later.
That looks good, what's that? I sort of wish I'd ordered that.
Our invisible desserts have arrived! I know we weren't happy that second week of our marriage, Douglas, but give us another chance, as a couple.
I don't know.
I don't think we can just pick up from where we left off.
No, Victoria, I'm sorry, it's over.
Oh God! I forgot you could do that.
Maybe we should give it another go! Nnngh Well that is new! How are you doing that? That might be the dog.
Heston! I'd like to introduce you to my Wi-i-i-ife.
I want to divorce my wife.
- Why are you telling me? - Aren't you with legal? No.
Remind me? IT.
Relationship manager.
Ah.
Well then I probably shouldn't have told you any of that.
Anyway I want to divorce her right now.
Now's too late.
Before now.
In fact, I want to have already divorced her, is that possible? Well, as I said, I'm not a lawyer, so Yes, but you're a relationship manager, and this is a relationship! Well, erm have you told her yet? Kind of.
I changed my Friendface profile from "married" to "it's complicated".
That's not the same as telling her, Mr.
Reynholm.
Yeah, but someone will pass it on.
Why not you? - No! - Oh, come on! Please break up with my vanishing, car cleaning wife! - I don't want to do it! - I don't want to do it! I'll give you I don't know £10,000.
Who are you again? I'm Jen Barber.
I'm with the IT department at Reynholm Industries.
Sorry, I thought I was meeting my husband.
Mr.
Reynholm asked me to convey a a message to you.
Mrs.
Reynholm.
How long have you and Mr.
Reynholm known each other? - About ten years.
- Ten years, ten wonderful years.
Who are you? Mrs.
Reynholm Can I call you Victoria? - No.
- Mrs.
Reynholm.
Sometimes there is a day and then there is a night.
Sometimes there is a morn, and then there is an eve.
Flowers grow, trees are cut down, babies are born, but Lawyers exist.
What are you trying to say? Oh, I can't do it, I just can't.
Let me guess.
My husband wants to leave me and he paid you a large amount of money to spare him the embarrassment of facing me.
Yes, but I'm not going to take the money I feel sick.
Of course you do, you're a normal person.
You're not upset? No, because I'm not a normal person.
You see, what you're trying to do here but can't If the tables were turned, I wouldn't find it difficult at all.
In fact, it's how I met his first wife.
I didn't know these were edible too.
They're not.
What's all that? I have to spend the afternoon with Douglas.
Somehow I've been drafted into his legal eagle fantasy.
Have you ever spent any serious time with that man? He's unbelievable! You should hear the way he talks about women.
Oh yeah, he's some piece of work.
He's like a sexy Hitler.
I mean, I don't expect to put on a pedal stool, but please, show a little respect! I'm sorry, you don't expect to be put on a what? On a pedal stool.
A pedal stool? What's a pedal stool? Oh, you know, you put women on it when you admire them, you know, the phrase.
Oh yeah, the famous phrase, "to be put on a pedal stool".
"Pedestal"! What? "Pedestal" is the word! What's a "pedal stool"?! Did you really think there was such a thing as a pedal stool? Shut up, everyone has blind spots.
Can you help me sort through all this legal crap, please, Moss? I'd rather not.
I've not had good experiences with the legal system.
How come? Well, when I was 11, I broke the patio window, and my mother sued me.
She sued you? Yeah, to teach me a lesson.
She's always been a very aggressive litigator.
Can you even do that, can you sue your children? It was kind of a show trial in the kitchen.
She made a little gallery for the cat.
Aw What happened? She won.
I'm still paying costs.
"Pedal stool"! 212 million quid! You can't be serious! Oh, we're quite serious, Mr.
Reynholm.
But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse! That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation.
Balls from hell, you shit-twins! Calm down, Mr.
Reynholm.
Bollocks to be telling me to calm down, my old chap.
She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.
I'm not your lawyer.
Piss off! I'm going to represent myself.
I'm not your lawyer.
You sit there, all confident.
Yeah? But when this goes to Court, that's when the talking stops.
Mr.
Reynholm, there might actually be more talking in Court, this would actually be a comparatively small amount of talking, what we're doing here.
- Oh, I see.
- Sorry.
No, that's all right, it's what I pay you for.
Look at her.
Cold as ice.
But I tell you this, behind those shades, she's terrified.
One thing you should know about me, Jen When I put my mind to something, it gets done.
Representing myself is the kind of challenge I relish.
Well, you'll have to do a lot of preparation.
Bring it on! What's this? It's my suit.
I made it myself.
Took me a few days! How did you find time to prepare for the trial? How did I what? Mrs.
Reynholm, you say that in the short time you were married, you became indispensable to Mr.
Reynholm In what way were you indispensable? I had to brush his teeth.
- Really? - Yes.
- That's not an expression? - No.
You got the brush, you applied toothpaste to it, you moved it into his mouth and moved your hand up and down.
Well, if I didn't do it, he wouldn't do it.
Make a note "brush teeth".
Now, you're asking for quite a large amount.
I think it is an appropriate amount.
Bollocks.
Mr.
Reynholm.
Yes, your honour? I would ask you to refrain from using that kind of language in my courtroom.
And which word in particular do you object to, your honour? You only said one.
Could you read it back? "Bollocks".
Don't read it back! Why do you say it is an appropriate amount? Mr.
Reynholm caused me great distress.
I'm entitled to some restitution.
Besides, it's not as if he ever put the money to good use.
As the film proves.
Your honour, may I present the central exhibit to our case It is, I'm afraid, a sex tape.
A sex tape? Which one? The alien craft appears to have dropped its shields.
Thank you, Female Chekhov! Female Sulu, beam their Captain aboard.
But Captain are you sure? But she's hurt, she may need our help.
Jim, even if she's injured as you say, I can't do an examination on a new species without proper research.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a sexy doctor, not a sexy scientist! Female Sulu.
You have your orders.
Perhaps the good doctor thinks certain alien species do not fall under the Hippocratic oath.
I have never refused treatment to a patient, Female Spock, and you know that! I think we've seen enough.
Your Honour, I object! There's a brilliant bit coming up.
Mr.
Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs.
Reynholm? I am, your Honour, but rest assured, it will be a normal examination.
I am not in any way cross.
You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not? Mr.
Reynholm, we have already established that.
Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on the television and make your case as simply as you possibly can.
Wise words, my learned lud.
Victoria, you've spoken about the real me, and I think it's time we heard a little about the real you.
Isn't it true, that you Used to be a man? No.
It isn't true, you say? It is untrue.
Who am I thinking of? I think you mean April, the woman you had a fight with.
No further questions, my lud.
What? Your entire case rested on that? Yes, your Honour.
No, wait, Mr Reynholm, you can't leave it at that.
Your Honour, may I confer with my relationship manager? What's up, Jen? You've got to request more time to prepare a proper defence.
Your Grace, may I approach the bench? - Have you brushed your teeth? - No.
Then you may not.
Your Grace, I need to prepare a proper defence.
The one I just did there was rubbish.
Yes, he's some piece of work.
We're all very happy at Reynholm Industries.
- Are you telling the truth? - Yes.
Then why are you so ill-at-ease? Well If you must know I was in a court myself very recently This very courtroom in fact, where I gave testimony against a former soldier who I was having a massage and he kissed me on my bottom, Your Honour.
I see.
I'm sure you can understand my discomfort.
Are you all right? Can you continue? I can continue.
Thank you.
The way you tell it, your employer sounds like a paragon of virtue.
That's right.
And furthermore, I would like to say at this point that I think this whole case to be a damp squid.
Thank you, no further questions.
Oooh! I have one more question, your Honour.
Yes? What did you say? What? What did you say the case was? May I have it read back please? "I believe this entire case to be a bit of a damp squid.
" "A damp squid?" What does that mean? Oh, Jen, it's an expression.
It means that I believe that everything that's been said in this case, everyone already knew.
Yes, but did you say "damp squid"? That's right.
Did you not mean, "damp squib"? No, it's "squid".
What's a squib? It's not "squid".
Squids are already damp! Hence the phrase! Your Honour! Please! It is "squib".
I must say, I find it extraordinary that you, a man in your early 30s, could have reached this point in your life without knowing that it is "squib".
- I think it's "squid".
- I have no further questions.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait! - That will be all.
- Everyone has a blind spot! - I said that will be all! Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not? Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not? Sorry, bit nervous So Yeah Fizzy! It's very fizzy.
It's fizzy.
Gone fizzy.
Ow, come on! That's electric.
That's electric in there.
Just got a shock.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not? It is not.
Sorry, yeah, sorry, sorry.
My mother sued me.
Relax.
Take your time.
Try to answer the questions as clearly as you can.
Thank you, my love.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not? Chair.
It was the chair's fault.
No further questions, my lud.
Don't you have anything? She's going to take you to the cleaners, Mr.
Reynholm.
Yup, I suppose she will.
What's that? Oh, God.
I think I may have found our miracle.
Can you state your full name, please? Richmond Felicity Avenal.
And you worked at Reynholm Industries for a time? I did, for over four years.
And what did you do? I don't know.
Why did you leave? Well, my life wasn't really going anywhere.
I was part of the whole goth/ death metal subculture but it wasn't making me happy.
It was all a bit gloomy.
It was round about that point that I developed scurvy.
Now that sounds unpleasant.
On the contrary.
Catching scurvy was the best thing that ever happened to me.
It made me take a long hard look in the mirror.
And I didn't like what I saw, I can tell you that.
Not just because my teeth had fallen out.
Which is why I founded From Goth2Boss.
Is it okay if I play a DVD? Does it have anything whatsoever to do with this case? Not really, Your Honour.
Then you may proceed.
Where are you going? Is it to the top? If not, why not? Go to the bloody top! Is it because you're a goth? Did you know that goths have some of the lowest life satisfaction levels of any subculture with the exception of traffic wardens? That's why you don't see any goth traffic wardens.
That would be a deadly combination! We at Goth2Boss work with goths at various locations around the UK to bring out their hidden potential by encouraging them to engage in everyday, healthy pursuits such as sports.
Mixing with other humans.
Extended laughter sessions.
Introducing colour to your wardrobe.
Just look at these results.
This is Debbie.
She used to hang around railway stations with her hands in her sleeves.
Now she's a lifeguard in Mumbai! From Goth2Boss, you know it makes sense.
Unless you're not a goth, in which case, from Goth2Boss.
Remember the name.
But what does that have to do with my divorce proceedings, m'kind fellow? Well, Mr.
Reynholm, I'm here to tell you that that woman is not Victoria Reynholm! Her name is Melanie Crawford, a former From Goth2Boss pupil of mine! Sing, you canary! Well, during our sessions, she seemed more interested in you than getting better.
I don't think she ever truly exorcised the goth within.
Scratch away that fake tan and beneath you'll find the purest white foundation! Yeah, that was more of a phrase than anything.
Oh, actually No sorry, that's not her! Oh, sorry about that.
That's not her.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
You've heard a few things over the past few days, none of which cast me in a particularly favourable light.
Stories of expensive sex tapes, rumours of me killing my first wife.
No.
No-one's mentioned that.
You know, there's one thing I do want to say.
Just one thing, that I Mr.
Reynholm? Mr.
Reynholm, please.
Mr.
Reynholm, this really is the most pathetic display I have ever seen.
- May I say something, your Honour? - Why not? Lying here, pretending to have a heart attack, you see a desperate man.
Not pretending.
A man who has exhausted all of his time, all of his resources, on an expensive trial that has resulted in humiliation.
But think not of him.
Think of the employees of Reynholm Industries.
Think of the man who was sued by his mother.
The simpleton who thought the phrase "damp squid" was correct.
These are the people I want you to consider when making your judgment.
For Reynholm is not just the name of this ridiculous man who keeps opening his eyes whenever he thinks no-one's looking.
Reynholm is the name of the family his employees have found in each other.
We are all Reynholms.
Hurt him, and you hurt Oh, all right then, we'll take 70 million.
Hooray! I'm getting oak.