The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e06 Episode Script

1 (APNEA MACHINE WHIRS) (YAWNS) (MOANS) (GRUNTS) T-Tan-Tandy.
Tandy.
What? What? What? You okay? We got company.
(BABY GURGLES) - A sleep birth? - CAROL: Yep.
Had her right in my sleep.
That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
Well, I've had similar nocturnal movements.
Eh, not a baby of course, but, uh, I was, uh, surprised in the morning.
CAROL: I mean, I was so worried about it.
'Cause, Erica, your birth seemed very painful.
Am I wrong about that? Yeah, the pain was significant.
Yeah, 'cause for me, it was the exact opposite.
Like, nothing.
In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion, I might have even orgasmed.
ERICA: Oh.
- Well, good for you.
- Yeah, right? Anyway, looking back at it now, I realize all that worrying was for nothing.
Isn't that right, Bezequille? So, we're sticking with Bezequille? I l I love it.
- Yeah.
- TODD: Hey there, Bezequille.
I'm your Uncle Todd, and this is your Aunt Melissa.
You want to say hi, Melissa? Hey.
What's up? Look at you.
You're perfect.
You little bumblebee.
That's what you are, a little bumblebee.
(CRYING): 'Cause you stung me right in the heart.
It's swelling up bigger than I ever thought possible.
- Sorry.
- CAROL: Well, I'm gonna go eat the placenta.
Anybody want to join? - Thanks for asking.
- Oh, no.
- I have some things I got to do.
- I'm practicing my accordion.
I would love some.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I stayed sober for two weeks waiting to deliver that baby, and Carol goes and pops it out in her sleep.
Oh, was the birth easy for Carol? I hadn't heard that.
Hey, look on the bright side, I'm not on baby watch anymore.
So, what do you say, we can finally have that little date night tonight? Ugh, that's exactly what I need.
What are we gonna do with this one? I think I know someone who might be available.
A thousand times yes! Oh, this is gonna be so great.
We're gonna read some stories, sing some lullabies, maybe count macaronis together.
Oh, gotta do some tickling.
(LAUGHS) Okay, I'm off to get supplies.
Whenever you guys need me, I'll be waiting right outside your door.
(LAUGHS) And then the noodle realized that he needed to take a high dive off his own expectations.
(CHUCKLES) That sounds like a great story.
- Yeah.
- You know, Care Bear, I feel like I gave birth today, too.
To a new worldview.
A new responsibility.
And a new song.
I call this "A New World View, A New Responsibility, A New Song.
" Give her a front row seat.
There you go.
(TANDY STRUMS GUITAR) Have you ever had a teeny, tiny baby Sitting right on your face? And you realize You got responsibilities Hitting you from every place Well, it's an honor and a very big deal Much more than just changing some di-i-iapers Gotta set a good example Gotta feed 'em lots of food And even some knowledge Closure, closure Closure, closure, closure Our baby's in this world now and she's melting my heart Closure, closure, closure, closure Closure, our baby is born Thank you, Yahweh Fart, fart, fart.
(LAUGHS) Care Bear.
You okay? Yeah.
I've I've just had this weird cramp all day, and now I just feel dizzy.
Why don't we go check in with Gail, just to be safe? - Okay? Here, I'll get the baby.
- Okay.
You almost done? Just give me another sec.
Huh.
What? Carol you ever go to a fast-food joint? Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there I don't like fast food.
I prefer it slow or mid-tempo.
I do like fast food.
And I went to a place once, - and I ordered a cheeseburger, - Mm.
And after I ate it, I reached into the bag for a napkin, and I noticed a second cheeseburger down there.
You see what I mean? An additional cheeseburger that I had not ordered? Um I'm lost here.
What are you saying? Carol you've got another baby stuck up in ya.
(GASPS) There's another baby inside of me.
Is that even possible? Well, I'm looking at it with my own two eyes, so yeah, I'm gonna go with yes.
- (EXHALES) - TANDY: Hello, ladies.
Me and my daughter, just born today You were there Uh, we're just checking in to see how you guys were doing.
Tandy, I have something to tell you.
Uh, what's up, Care Bear? We're gonna have another baby.
Well, sounds good.
Let me just go wash my balls.
Oh, no-no-no-no.
I mean, we're gonna have another baby right now.
Carol, warning: they're pretty dirty.
Tandy, I'm not talking about making another baby.
I'm saying there's another baby already inside of me.
You (EXHALES) You have another cheeseburger in the bag? Yeah.
I'm gonna be another father.
(TANDY LAUGHS SOFTLY) Oh, my God.
So, what's the ETA? Well, they usually come one right after the other, but says here, it's not too uncommon for there to be a little separation.
Say what you will about the cleanliness of my balls, but they sure know how to make babies.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
I guess that's the takeaway.
(WHISPERS): Gross.
GAIL: Bad news, hon.
- Date night's off.
- Why? Carol's got another baby stuck up her.
What? No way.
Yup, right up in her.
Am I horrible for being super glad she's having another one? - Of course not.
- Or for the main reason being my sincere desire for it to be incredibly painful? Now, that does tip it back the other way, just a little bit.
- Yeah, you can never tell her I said that.
- I won't.
'Cause then she might downplay the pain just to spite me.
Can I be there? Can I watch? I'm not sure your current energy would be super helpful in that room.
I'm sorry.
Obviously, I want her to have a smooth birth.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, yeah.
But with just enough pain to respect the process.
You are barely dilated.
(GAIL SIGHS) So, nothing? You don't feel any contractions? Nope.
Here, Care Bear, try this.
Aah! Aah! What is that?! It's a bowl of Tabasco sauce.
I-I found a list of the things that are supposed to help induce labor, and spicy foods is one of them.
I-I guess they steam the baby out? Here, Gail, check her now.
No change.
Hey, relax.
I am not worried.
The baby will come when it's ready.
GAIL: Well, look at you, - all mellowed out.
- Well, Bezequille taught me a big lesson today.
All that time I spent worried about her birth, I'll never get it back.
So starting tonight, I am not gonna get all jangled up about things that are beyond my control.
Good for you, hon.
So, I'm gonna go to bed.
Um here's a misoprostol to get the ball rolling down there.
And you just give me a shout if anything happens.
Thanks, Mom.
This is great.
Between Gail's medicine and my list, we'll get this baby out of you.
So you just sit back and relax! (SCREAMS) (PANTS) Scaring you is on the list.
Yeah.
Anything? - (CRYING): No.
- Okay.
Well cross that one off.
Or will I? What's with the sour mug, bub? Nothing.
I'm fine.
(GROANS) I thought you were supposed to be babysitting.
Erica called it off, 'cause Gail's busy with Carol's birth stuff.
Well, it's probably for the best.
What's that supposed to mean? I mean, I just know you have a little case of baby fever, and I see where this is going.
(EXHALES) No, Melissa, look.
We made our decision, okay? Having kids is not for us.
And I totally respect your desire to remain barren.
Todd, be honest with me.
Melissa, I don't need kids to be happy.
All I need is you.
You feeling anything? No.
Hmm.
Nipple stimulation's supposed to be one of the biggies.
Here, let me try the other way a little bit.
Still nothing? Let me try this.
Anything? Flick 'em, flick 'em.
Nothing? No.
Oh, maybe they're talking about intellectual stimulation.
What if Benjamin Buttons had a zipper? Tandy, I appreciate your efforts, but I think I'm just too tired to be stimulated nipple-arily.
Oh.
Then, baby, why don't you get some sleep? What kind of mother would I be if I missed two of my babies being born in the same day? Hey, Care Bear, would you feel better if I stayed up all night and watched your vagina? You would do that for me? I would do that for a lot of people.
But tonight, yes, it's for you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Now, promise me you'll wake me up the second anything happens.
Carol, columns could crumble.
The moon could explode.
A banshee could scream in the very face of time.
And I will not stop watching this vagina.
(CHUCKLES) Clocking in.
CAROL: Tandy.
- Oh, what - Tandy.
Wha-Wha What? What, what? You said you'd keep watch for me all night.
Carol, relax.
I had it covered.
What do you mean, had it covered? Still need me here, bud? Thanks.
I-I got it from here, bud.
Carol.
Todd.
- Gail.
- Todd.
So, where we at? Still stuck at the equator, Mom.
That pill should've worked by now.
Okay, let me take another look.
(SIGHS) All these people looking at my pieces.
Now I know what the Newport Ceramics Festival feels like.
Okay, well, um Tandy, could I talk to you for a second, outside? - Sure.
- No.
I want to hear it.
Whatever you have to say to him, you can say to me, too.
Fine.
I I'm kind of freaking out here.
Why are you so worried? Because I don't want anything to happen to you or this baby.
Well, neither do I.
But it's all gonna be okay.
Yeah, it will.
'Cause we're gonna get that baby out of you.
Right friggin' now.
We We need to get the baby out now? What's the rush? Thought your book said it wasn't a big deal.
Well, the longer you wait, the more risk of complications.
I mean, the baby's head could get too big for the birth canal.
Extra pressure on the umbilical cord.
Possibility of meconium infection.
Look, I appreciate your concern, but I've read about all the risks, and I'm not worried about it.
Hon, we should hear Gail out, okay? So, uh, what are you proposing? I want to go in and break the amniotic sac with a needle.
D Uh no, we are not kebabing our baby.
Well, it's our best option.
Well, if it's such a great option, why isn't it even on my list? - Oh - Please, please.
It's hard for me to put what I'm feeling into words.
Call it mother's intuition.
But I need you to trust me.
The baby will come when it's ready.
Okay.
If that's what you want.
It is.
(MOUTHS) Who's a little angel? Are you my little baby pet? Did you keep Mommy up all night last night? Was that you? Yes, it was.
That was you, wasn't it? Yes, you did.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Todd.
Hey.
Hey, um, you feeling okay? Why? Just seem a little tired.
You know, just based on what your face looks like.
- Wow.
- No, d-don't-don't get me wrong.
Y You-you look great, hon.
Very wise.
You know, like an old, gnarled oak tree, you know? Tons of integrity.
- Thank you? - You know, th-this isn't coming out right.
I just (SIGHS) If you need to take a little nap, I'd be happy to watch Dawn.
- Well, I'm not sure about the tree stuff - Fair.
But I could really use a nap.
A-And just so you know, I don't need kids to be happy.
- Oh, good for you, Todd.
- All I need is Melissa.
- Todd - This is just so you can get some sleep - for your face.
- All right, I got it.
- You've made that abundantly clear.
- Okay.
Bye-bye, Dawn.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
(WHISPERS): She's gone.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, Melissa.
Where have you been? You know, just, um hanging out with the guys.
Is that baby powder on your shirt? This is, um, um the, um It's cocaine.
Cocaine? Yes.
Cocaine.
I was doing cocaine because I love it.
You were with Dawn, weren't you? Look, how many times do I have to tell you? I was snorting and smoking cocaine all day, okay? And then, when I was putting my mirror and coke toot away, I must've gotten some on my shirt, and then I showed up here, you started reaming me out.
- Todd, come on.
- Look, can this wait till morning? Okay, great.
Good night.
(GRUNTS) Mm, okay.
Good night, Scarface.
And then the witch ate her mother's heart and understood the language of all birds.
- She - Look at her, putting on such a brave face.
She's obviously petrified.
Denial isn't just a river in Phoenix.
It's also a very real psychological state, Gail.
(SIGHS) I can't just stand here and watch this.
- Wait.
No, no.
Gail.
- All right, Carol, enough is enough.
We're gonna break that water.
- I won't take no for an answer.
- Oh.
So I guess you're making all the decisions now, huh, Gail? Well, since I am the only adult in the room, - I do consider it my duty.
Yes, yes.
- (GASPS): What?! I am 43 calendar years old! That is two adults with a seven year old on top! - Hi.
Uh, please leave me alone.
- No.
I can't do that, hon.
I'm not gonna let this get to the point where I have to make a decision about whether or not to cut you open.
Well, neither will I.
Okay, so you'll let me break your water? I don't need you to break my water.
Carol, I'm trying to include you in this, but if you're not up to it, I will make this decision for you.
This is not your call to make! - I am her husband! - And I am her mother! - And I am her her.
- Not now, Carol! Okay, look, yeah, I'm not gonna let you turn our baby into some kind of human pin cushion.
And what are you proposing, Dr.
Pepper? You still want to stick hot sauce up her holler? That was on a list, Gail! A list! GAIL: Oh, my God, you're so clueless! TANDY: Oh, how dare you! How dare you! GAIL: How dare I.
How dare I what? How dare I try to save the life of your wife and unborn child? Oh, look at you, strutting around with all the answers like some kind of all-the-answers peacock! (ULULATING) You know what? You should get down on your bony, little knees - and thank the Lord above that I am here! - Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, thank God for Gail! - Right.
- Thank God! What would I do without her? - That's right.
You know why? - Why? 'Cause I'm the only shot - you got right now, dummy.
- (BABY CRYING QUIETLY) - You think so? - I know so.
You think so? - Yeah.
- And, Carol, you ought to shut your mouth and open your legs and let me break that water.
You hear me? - (BABY COOING) - Carol? - (BABY COOS) - Carol? (SIGHS) Did someone order a double cheeseburger? (SIGHS) Carol I feel like I owe you an apology.
Mom, come meet your second granddaughter.
- Hey, little one.
- TANDY: Wait.
In all the craziness, we never picked a name.
Oh, I got you covered.
You both know I'm a very gifted namer.
And I thought of the perfect name for our daughter.
Mike.
(TANDY SIGHS, LAUGHS) Here we go.
Oh.
Hey, Mike.
I'm your dad.
You know, normally Mike is a guy's name.
And kids might give you a little flack for it, but, uh, Mike was my brother's name.
And if you knew him, I'm sure you wouldn't mind.
ERICA: So, another painless birth, huh? Would you believe it was even easier than the first one? And this time, I definitely orgasmed.
Didn't I? Didn't I? Date night time.
Let's hit it.
Oh, are you guys taking Dawn on your date night? Well, Tandy and Carol have their hands full, and you're you know.
How about Todd? Really? Yeah, unless you're planning on hitting the slopes.
He's been doing a lot of cocaine.
Look, it was baby powder, guys.
That's what people say, yeah.
But yeah, I'd love to.
I'm Are you-you sure? - (QUIETLY): Thank you.
- ERICA: All right.
Well, that settles it.
I'll see you guys later.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Dawn.
Yes.
Peekaboo.
Peekaboo.
Closure, closure, closure, closure, closure You three are the most important things in my life Yeah.
- Closure, closure - Peekaboo! - Closure, closure, closure - Peekaboo! I couldn't be Any happier Fart, fart, fart Fart, fart, fart.