The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s04e06 Episode Script

1 Lenny.
Good morning.
Would you like some coffee? - I - We have bagels, bialys, grapefruit.
- Zelda could make you a blintz.
- Oh, yes.
Go with the blintz.
The blintz is a wonderful choice.
I'm sorry, who are you? - Miss December.
- You look different.
It was the night you were talking about Miss December.
We were in jail together.
Well, I've been in jail with a variety of people.
Oh, by the way, we told the children you were in their room because you had a tummy ache from eating too many cookies.
We'd like you to stick with that story, if you don't mind.
Personally, I advocated for the truth.
I wasn't in the mood to describe a mild case of alcohol poisoning to a five-year-old, so if he asks - Who? - Ethan.
I don't know who If a child asks you why you're here, your answer is I thought you said he was bright.
I was talking about his humor.
As a man, he could be a total idiot.
Excuse me.
Uh, last night, I had a few more things on me.
A a coat, shoes, a wallet.
- D Does anyone else hear that? - Success.
Hey, look who's finally up.
- Wait.
You.
- Oh? - I know you.
- I know you, too.
And you are a very sound sleeper.
Ethan climbed right over you to get his fire truck, and you didn't budge.
Wait.
Oh, God.
That's the Hudson River out the window.
Upper West Side.
You're right he must have someone else write his material.
- You want some coffee? - We offered.
He just stared.
I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, but I'm toilet-training my daughter.
When she does good, she gets the song.
And today, she did very, very good.
Yesterday was a disaster.
We have to replace the wallpaper.
Well, everybody has their ups - Uh, could I - Hmm? - Do you want to take a shower? - I do not want to take a shower.
I think you should take a shower.
Thank you very much, lady in the kitchen.
I will shower when I Shit.
Oh.
Ow.
How did I get here? - What do you remember? - Nothing.
Well, last night, I was driving home from the club, and I saw you passed out on the ground.
I tried to ask you where you were staying, and you said, "Nice hair.
" - I said, "Nice hair"? - No, but for the sake of our friendship, let's stick with "hair.
" Anyhow, I said, "Thanks," and I brought you here and stuck you in my son's room.
- Oh, with the tiny bed.
- Well, he's five.
- Was I robbed last night? - Not that I know of.
Where are my shoes, my jacket, my wallet, my watch? Zelda insisted on pressing your jacket and shining your shoes, and I took your wallet and hid it because Ethan's going through a money-eating phase, and I have no idea where your watch is.
- Let me go look.
- Wait.
- I need your pants.
- I need them more.
They are wrinkled.
They are bad pants.
Well, you just have to get to know them better.
Okay! I found your watch! Oh.
Zelda, the jacket looks great.
You want to give her your pants? Take a wild guess.
He's keeping the pants, Zelda.
Shoes and wallet.
Ethan did find it, and he took a bite out of a ten spot, so I'll reimburse you.
I could not find your tie, but it'll turn up eventually.
Keep the tie.
- Lenny.
- I have ties.
Thank you for this, but the next time you see me and you think that I might need help, please just keep walking.
Hey.
Hey.
Drama queen.
Dead end.
Can we please Lenny.
The elevator Why the hell do you live on such a high floor? Why are you Really? Lenny! Morning, Mrs.
Teitelbaum.
Lenny! Lenny.
Don't you have cabs on the Upper West Side? Honestly, they may be steering clear of you.
- Here.
- What's that? - That's your shoe.
- No, I'm wearing my Two seconds ago, it was on.
- Why are you so upset? - I have to get home.
I basically scraped you off the sidewalk last night, and you're mad at me? You should be thankful.
I'm thankful.
Go back inside.
Protect the wallpaper at all costs.
You do know you're acting like a child, right? Of course I'm acting like a child.
I'm a comedian.
Please go back inside.
Lenny Bruce.
That's Lenny Bruce.
- Hey, Lenny.
- Yes.
Hello.
- Lenny, you're the best.
- Thank you.
I don't understand what's going on here.
- You don't? - You're the king, Lenny.
The fucking king.
Thank you.
As my subject, you're dismissed.
- Both of you.
- Lenny.
If you want a cab, you might want to try - Don't tell me how to get a cab.
- Lenny! I wasn't telling you how to get a cab.
I was telling you where to get a cab.
- Lenny! - I can get a cab.
I've been getting cabs since before you were born.
Hey, Lenny, I'm talking to you.
Look at me.
Is this really how you act when someone does you a favor? I'm over here giving you compliments, - and you're ignoring me.
- I'm sorry, have you two met? Hey.
Fuck you, Bruce.
You hear me? You're the poor man's Mort Sahl.
The-the light's green, sir.
Go iron your pants, you cocksucker.
Why are you acting like this? Because this is not my scene.
This place, that apron, Grandma and Grandpa having breakfast, kids running around learning to shit, Leni Riefenstahl demanding my pants.
Well, the last one's a little my scene, but Wow.
I am absolutely stunned.
- I know you meant well.
- Yeah.
I meant well.
I brought you to my home so you could sleep it off in a bed and not a holding cell.
Sorry my parents and my kids are not your scene.
I don't care about the kids.
I have a kid.
- You do? - Yes.
- Boy or girl? - Girl.
- You've never mentioned her.
- Really? In all the times we've been sitting around knitting and making apple dolls while the pies bake in the oven, I've never discussed my child with you? You know why? Because we're not supposed to.
That's not how it works.
We're comics.
Creatures of the night.
We discuss debauchery and pornography.
We make jokes about dictators coming over for dinner.
Ten minutes on how Stalin likes his steak.
We don't wear aprons and discuss potty training.
If I want to talk about my daughter, I'll call my mother.
What are you doing? I have to take a piss.
Well, come back upstairs and use the bathroom.
If I use your bathroom, you'll play music.
I don't want a soundtrack while I pee.
Finally.
Look, I'm I know I'm Here.
I'm sorry.
What do you think happened last night? No, it-it's for the taxi, the shoe polishing, the blintz.
Christ.
It was a really terrific carpenter.
Ice cream! Ice cream! Hey.
Aren't you Lenny Bruce? Just drive.
Operator.
What's the number, please? Yeah, hi.
I'm looking for the number of a nightclub.
What's the name of the nightclub? I don't know the name, but I do know it's in Chinatown.
- Does that help? - No.
Okay, well, could you look up clubs in Chinatown? No.
Well, could you list off anything that sounds like a club in Chinatown? I could.
Could you answer all my other calls for the next six hours? You know, I'm a talent manager.
Ever thought of going onstage? Oh, wait.
Joel Maisel.
Try Joel Maisel's club in Chinatow Hello? You were supposed to share.
- Dinah.
- Yes? I need to get Mike Carr.
I left word earlier twice.
- Did you use my name? - God, no.
Good.
Appreciate you eating all this on my bed, by the way.
You should have the lady find the club.
- What lady? - The lady who sits out there.
Have her find the club.
That's why she's there, right? Sitting there every day, just listening? Do not eat on my bed, and mind your own business.
No.
That's too much direction at one time.
- Thank you.
- Have a good day.
You just got another one.
Wines of the world.
The "O" in "world" is a little globe.
Cute.
You better hide it before Alfie gets his passport out.
Miss Lennon sure is grateful to you for something.
Well, she's grateful the voices in her head haven't unionized.
Listen, Midge's ex has a club in Chinatown, and I'm trying to get the number.
- I'm on it.
- I don't remember the name.
Yep.
I'm on it.
- Who is this again? - That's my niece.
- My sister had to work today.
- Uh-huh.
I'm not sure if that's the most professional thing to do.
- Hello, sir! - Oh, it is.
Every office I've worked in, all the secretaries did this.
It's not lost on me you don't work at those offices anymore.
Shh.
I'm on the phone.
It said there were cookies in here.
I hate being lied to.
Hey, how about you go find a cute blonde so you can saw her in half or something? I have Joel Maisel on the line.
You did not find him that fast.
- Yes, I did.
- Joel Maisel? - Yes.
- You found Joel Maisel? - Yes.
- I didn't tell you his name.
- You gonna pick up the phone? - I am gonna pick up the phone.
Now, that's a fucking magician.
Joel? Hello.
Susie Myerson at Susie Myerson and Associates.
- How are you today, buddy? - Who is this? It's Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates.
I hope I am not interrupting anything.
Who is this? You are a very funny guy.
Anyhow, Joel, I'm calling today to talk to you about Wait, you do know who this is, right? I've narrowed it down to either Bette Davis or Rock Hudson.
I am just trying to reset our relationship.
We don't have a relationship to reset.
Let's set one.
I am a talent manager.
You own a nightclub.
We may wind up doing business together down the road.
So just shut your goddamn trap and act professional.
"Manager.
" Come on.
You have one client, and she can come down here anytime.
She knows that.
Actually, I have an exciting new client now.
One that you haven't fucked.
- Comic? - Magician.
Like card tricks and shit? No.
Much more than card tricks.
He is a master of sleight of hand.
An illusionist.
A hypnotist.
Hell, he may actually be magic.
And there's no one like him anywhere.
I would love for you to book him in your new club, which I have heard wonderful things about, by the way.
Stop that.
It's unnerving.
I will take any slot that you give him.
He's very cool, super hip.
The kids are gonna love him.
Well, I got to see what he does.
Absolutely.
First show's free.
If he knocks you on your ass, you book him for a month.
Deal? We'll see.
Mm, savvy businessman.
We are gonna make beautiful music together.
All right, bye.
I was sitting on the cookies.
Oscar Levant, how many seconds do you want to use - for your next question? - Um, uh You have 37 in the bank.
I'll use, uh, 18.
All right, in 18 seconds, name every state that begins with an "M" or a "C.
" Start the clock.
Uh, "M," uh, Mississippi, Missouri, Maine, Melinda.
No, that's not a state.
That's an ex-wife.
You secede from the union? After she fired on my Fort Sumter.
Mama, Papa, the kids are asleep, and I'm heading out.
but Sandy over here just got attacked by a microphone.
Sandy, what the heck just happened? I got hit in the head with the boom.
I know.
I heard the boom.
I'm sorry.
Who's talking? Luckily, I'm wearing two kinds of hairspray.
Pete's the culprit.
All right, Oscar, I didn't forget you.
Start the clock.
Montana, uh, California, Connecticut, Cucamonga.
Is that a state? A state of confusion is more like it.
What else is new? Time's up.
- Ooh.
What did he miss? - He missed Michigan.
- He missed Colorado.
- That's right.
- What's going on here? - It's Seconds Count! - It's so fun.
- And Sophie is hysterical.
She's at her absolute best.
I was talking about the TV trays.
- They're for Sophie's show.
- If you miss an episode, you can't converse with anyone the next day, because it's all people want to talk about.
So on Thursday nights, we eat here.
Different.
Okay.
Well, the kids are asleep, the fridge light's out, and I'm taking off.
So long.
Okay, in your remaining time, name You do know she tried to destroy your daughter's career, right? - Who? Sophie? - Yes, Sophie.
- Water under the bridge.
- Whatever you say.
- Carry on.
- Sandy, it's not the Big D.
- It's Austin.
- Austin! It's not water under the bridge.
We're missing the program.
It's nostalgia, right? You remember her from radio and a time when it was fun to play with a hoop and a stick? No, it's because we think she's hilarious.
She's our new Chaplin.
No comment.
Adieu.
Okay, if you meant Buddy Chaplin, the guy who measures feet at the kids' shoe store and is rumored to have a dead piece of a Siamese twin sticking out of his stomach, then yes, maybe.
But Charlie Chaplin? Modern Times? The Gold Rush? I think not.
I thought you didn't have any comment.
Damn! Missed it.
She just said something funny.
She never says something funny.
It's all ridiculously contrived "bon motts.
" - That's all it is.
- They're not contrived.
And if you had studied French instead of Russian, you'd know it was bon mots.
Well, that's mo' than I needed to know.
Thank you.
Sophie's contrived, but that's funny? Okay, I heard that.
Oh, we're missing the commercial.
It's a laxative commercial.
Yeah, but she does them, and she does them funny.
She's so irreverent.
And she's lost so much weight.
I think I've said my piece.
- Peace would be nice.
- Amen.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Hey! What's going on up there? Come on! Whoa! The hot water in the shower is back on.
The coffee area was cleaned, and we got a new coffee maker.
We got cream and sugar even though sugar means bugs.
That's what sugar bowls are for.
We will get a sugar bowl.
We moved the paint cans and tarps from the storage room.
The floor-to-ceiling mirror's been hung.
The new seamstress is here.
She did not come with her own sewing machine, as you had promised, but when we moved the paint cans and tarps, we found out we actually had a sewing machine, so there you go.
The roof will be fixed next week.
We found Duke's trumpet.
We cannot find Duke.
The dr The dressing room speaker works now, and we were unable to remove the urinal from the ladies' room, so we turned it into a planter.
Boise, this is good progress.
I just might make a stage manager out of you yet.
Hey, I'm not a stage manager.
I am a manager manager.
I manage the stage, yes, but I manage other things.
The front room.
I manage that.
The loading dock.
I am definitely the manager of Well, I share that responsibility with Dave, - but when deliveries come, I am - Wrap it up.
- I got to work.
- Yep.
Hey! Whoops.
Two gin rickeys, three banana daiquiris, a Singapore sling and a White Russian.
- Extra Russian.
- Gin and sin, rum runner, sidecar, three grasshoppers, one with whipped cream.
Kenny, where's my sherry flip? I got three mai tais here, no flip.
Hold your horses.
What came after grasshoppers? - Sherry flip.
- Extra cherries.
Sherry flip, sherry flip, sherry flip, sherry - Thank you.
- How's it going, Kenny? Out of white wine.
Bartender, six palomas to that table right down there.
And keep 'em coming.
- Paloma, paloma - Uh, excuse me.
We're gonna need a grapefruit.
Oh, yeah.
Whoa.
Hey! - Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Excuse us.
- Hi.
- Look, there she is.
Well Hello, hello, hello.
Wow.
Look at all the ladies in the audience tonight.
You do realize the Bergdorf sale is about 15 blocks north, right? Dresses here are also half off but probably not in the way you're thinking.
Hello, ladies.
You lost? She's getting married this weekend, and we brought her here.
So I could talk her out of it? - What's your name? - Nora.
Congratulations, Nora.
What's your fiancé's name? Montgomery.
Got a picture? Not bad.
Huh? But remember, one day, you go to bed with this, the next day, you wake up with that.
I'm just kidding, sir.
And stop.
How's it going in here? - I like the look.
- I know.
They're my smart-girl glasses.
Totally fake.
They look so real.
Ladies, I can hear every word you are pretending not to say.
Well, I am impressed.
- Dody - Imogene.
has just broken her previous record, which she set exactly ten minutes ago.
80 words a minute.
Not my personal best, but it was James Joyce, - so I was very nervous.
- I'm sorry, what? I was transcribing Finnegans Wake.
It feels like you're writing gibberish, but apparently, he's a genius.
I had a feeling you two would hit it off.
Hit it off? That's putting it mildly.
- Dody - Imogene.
is a diamond in the coal mine.
I don't think that's the saying, but I don't care.
My God, to have the freedom to write but not have to type? My whole life will be different.
- So I'm hired? - I will never let you leave.
- I'm a hostage! Yay! - Miss Miriam! Coming, Zelda! - So, Dody - Imogene.
Ready for some Proust? The real question is: Is Mr.
Proust ready for me? Oh.
The fridge is dead.
I come in, I open, no light.
Things are warm.
I try to see if it's plug.
I plug there, I plug there.
It's not plug.
Yeah, the light was out last night.
What do you mean, "the light was out last night"? I opened the fridge last night, and there was no light.
So it died last night and you just left it there to stink? - I didn't know what it meant.
- You didn't know what it What kind of woman are you? You were married.
You had children.
How did that happen? Well, it had nothing to do with the fridge, I can assure you.
Zelda, I will fix it.
In the meantime, let's ask some of the neighbors if they can store some things for us, huh? Come on in, Norma and Lorraine.
We'll sit down, have some iced tea, and you can tell me everything about yourselves that might be of interest - Abe.
- Rose.
This girl is a prodigy.
If the government knew about her, she'd be locked in a lab getting probed.
- Time.
- Ha! Excuse me, ladies.
Abe, I reserved the living room yesterday.
- Didn't you consult the chart? - I did not consult the chart.
Well, it was your idea to make the chart, so I assumed you would consult the chart.
- We're almost done.
- After all, you made the chart.
- I'm leaving.
Dody - Imogene! Gather your things and follow me.
We can go to the bathroom.
That's where I usually work anyway.
I'm going to get that tea.
Goodness, what is happening here? The fridge died, and Zelda forgot she taught me Polish.
Hello? Oh.
Hi.
I'm Miriam Maisel.
You two look like you have a refrigerator at home.
Well, yes, that sounds wonderful.
I would be honored to attend.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Thank you.
How could you not teach your daughter about the light in the fridge? There's a light in the fridge? Miriam, guess what.
I have been invited to the Small Business Women's Council annual luncheon in Brighton Beach.
- Really? - That's right.
Your mother's now officially known as a small businesswoman.
No, wait.
A small women's business.
No, I'm the owner of a business, and it's small, and I'm a woman, so Well, I'm getting a free lunch.
Congratulations, Mama.
Really.
Thank you.
Miriam.
What? I offered.
They took.
You didn't even ask them to sit down first? Oh.
Yeah.
Would you like to have a seat? Goodbye, Miriam.
I am so sorry.
That was my daughter.
She's hilarious.
She was kicked in the head by a horse when she was a child, also, so Wow.
Gorgeous.
Ooh-wee, she is a beaut.
Ain't she a beaut? Dinah? Dinah! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! - Somebody loves you.
- This is not love.
They came with a golf pro, but he had to leave.
- I have his card.
- Get me Sophie Lennon.
On it.
They're fucking multiplying.
Thomas, when you catch her, wash her.
Fuck! Fuck.
Sorry.
I know.
I was gonna move those.
I've got Sophie Lennon on line one.
Dinah, there's only one line.
Stop saying "line one.
" But when people hear "line one," they think there's a line two.
- It makes you sound important.
- I am important, Dinah.
- I'm important.
- I want people to know that.
Close the door.
Sophie, it's got to stop now.
It's not Miss Lennon.
Oh, goody.
Humbert Humbert.
Put your boss on.
I'm afraid I can't.
She's having her Roman wax.
Her what? It's the removal of hair from where it shouldn't be.
Dawes, ask Susie how she liked the Cadillac! Did you like the Cadillac? Dawes, tell her I hate the Cadillac, the luggage stinks, and that there's no point in sending gifts, so just stop.
Miss Lennon wants you to have them.
That's the point of gifts.
Oh, and ask her if she liked the Carava She stopped a couple syllables short, but I believe she was inquiring about the Caravaggio.
Dawes, I have no idea what the fuck a Caravaggio is, but you tell that crazy woman we had a deal.
I help her, and she goes the fuck away.
She's objecting to your generosity.
She got me the game show.
Dawes, tell her that.
- She says - All I did was get her on Gordon Ford.
She got the game show herself.
So she can take back her gifts and give them all to herself.
Dawes, tell her I Your guess is as good as mine on that one.
Goodbye.
Dinah, get me a new goddamn orange.
You want me to fall over dead from a heart attack.
Is that what you want, Miriam? Because you're doing a great job, if that's what you want.
I don't want you to have a heart attack, Moishe.
You have been so good to me.
I really have, haven't I? I'm a good man.
But I need to be honest here.
I just need a smidgen of a skosh more time for my next payment.
What's that? A smidgen of a skosh? Is that like a bissel? Say, a couple weeks? I just bagged a giant Tupperware order from our professor neighbor in nine-B.
She brought the whole Barnard geology department in on it.
They're gonna use them to store fossils.
Now, I'm not talking a Brownie Wise level order here.
What's that? A Brownie Wise? She was the first one to toss a bowl filled with water to one of the guests to demonstrate its airtight sealability.
Brownie is a Tupperware legend.
Call an ambulance, Shirl! But I don't get my cut from the order until the check clears, and the check was drawn from a bank in Toronto, so guess she's Canadian.
Now that I think about it, she does say "a-roond" and "a-boot.
" "Skosh" and "smidgen" are not words suitable to a legally binding contract, Miriam.
Are you aware of that? Moishe, I'll let you go.
Thanks for understanding.
Your grandchildren love you.
That's not gonna work this time! I need a drink.
How'd you get jelly on your shirt? Oh, Dinah had a niece with jelly on it.
It's not fitting the business model.
We have a business model? Girls, booze, men paying for it.
That's the business model.
But she's funny, right? You said she was funny.
Yes, she's funny, but she's turning the place into I don't know what.
Are you talking about me? I thought you'd left.
And hey, you didn't knock.
Are you talking about me? - What is this, Boise? - Terrence, Mrs.
Maisel and her pushy little midgety manager, Susie.
Terrence is our partner.
Very important partner.
And Mario is what he looks like.
Mrs.
Maisel, you've scared up quite the ruckus.
How? The house is packed every night.
Yeah, with the wrong kind of people.
What's the wrong kind of people? The kind that make pork chops for dinner.
- Short-order cooks? - Women.
So what if the audience is women? So what? This is a jiggle joint.
- Don't say it like that.
- This is an entertainment venue - catering to a select male clientele.
- Who like titties.
- So? - So, men come here to get away from women.
Except the women onstage.
The whole place smells different, too.
- What are you smelling? - It's what I'm not smelling.
Beer, piss, ammonia.
I changed the smell? That's a neat trick.
And is that so bad? That the place doesn't smell like piss? Oh, good.
Bunny has something to add.
- I don't like the smell of piss.
- Me, neither.
And for me, it depends on the circumstances.
I'm sorry, you guys should be sore.
Maisel's hogging all the spotlight.
All I know is that since she got here, the coffee's much better.
And there's less weird guys hanging around backstage.
She got us a seamstress, too.
Now our clothes don't fall off us.
They're supposed to fall off you.
- Terrence, the business model.
- Not that you're asking, but the women tip better, you know.
I wasn't asking, but thank you.
Women are more generous and giving.
That's a fact of the species.
We give life to fucking babies.
You're off the clock, Bunny.
No, you're off the clock, Boise! It wasn't an insult, Bunny.
I'm saying you're off the clock.
Go home.
They're not discreet, either, and the cops are noticing.
When a show's over, men leave.
These women, they hang around out front laughing, chatting.
So what? Makes the place seem fun.
This business is illegal.
Do you not understand that? Booze sales are up, though.
Am I reading this right? Yeah, Terrence, but it's crazy fruity stuff: banana daiquiris, mai tais, pink squirrels.
- Those are drinks? - And they all want those tiny little umbrellas stuck in them.
Over my dead body am I buying tiny little umbrellas and a feminine product dispenser.
- They got those? - Sure, they do.
Geez, so classy.
It'll be like the Frick museum.
Well, receipts are up.
That's what I'm seeing across the board.
So I say, if we're raking in simoleons, we stick to the path.
- What path? - Order the tiny umbrellas.
And the feminine dispenser.
I want our customers dispensed while they're here.
And keep doing your act.
Just like you're doing it.
'Cause we'll have both: gentlemen's entertainment and a funny girl comic.
- Let's call it a night.
- Hold on a second.
Sounds to me like it's time to give my girl - a cut of the bar tab.
- N no way.
Then I'll book her somewhere else, take the audience with us.
We have a contract.
Remember the contract? With an unlicensed, illegal strip club.
Whoa, everybody calm down.
Jesus.
He's tough.
He should work the door.
Uh, we'll discuss a cut of the bar tomorrow.
- Let's do it now.
- I'm tired.
I want to go home and watch Gordon Ford.
Eddie Fisher's going to explain himself.
Oh, shit.
I want to watch Gordon Ford, too.
So, tomorrow.
Good night, all.
Will you go home? How about a couple of banana daiquiris, Kenny? Ladies.
Ooh! Got it, Zelda.
I'm sorry about the fridge.
Please don't be mad at me forever.
I'll try.
I will try.
Hello? Hi.
Miriam Maisel? That's me.
You sound funny.
- Pardon me? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Dinah, Susie's secretary.
I was just saying that I think you're gonna be a huge star 'cause you sound funny.
Well, thank you, Dinah.
- Hold for Susie? - You got it.
Susie, Miriam Maisel on line one.
Nothing's flashing.
I think the hold button's broken.
Well, put her through, but call someone and have 'em fix the hold button.
We've only got one line.
I can't call someone while you're on the line.
Just put her through! - Hello? - Hey.
Listen.
I wanted you to hear it from me, not one of the dopes at the deli.
Hear what? L.
Roy Dunham struck again.
He caught your show at the Wolford Thursday night, and he wrote about it.
It's pretty brutal.
Don't read it.
But that was a great show.
I know.
He'll move on.
Something else will send him slithering in another direction.
When? When will he stop? It's been months.
I don't know.
Forget him.
The audience loves you.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, you're right.
The show was good.
The audience was good.
Everything's good.
Hi.
I'm looking for L.
Roy Dunham.
- And you are? - Miriam Weissman.
Miriam Weissman.
- So, two S's? - Yes.
- Great.
Wait here.
- Thank you.
Mrs.
Maisel.
L.
Roy Dunham.
Nice to finally meet you.
You smell good in person.
Is that Arpège? I don't understand.
You're - L.
Roy Dunham.
- You? - Me.
- You're the one who's been writing all those terrible articles? Actually, I think they're pretty good, but yes.
- But you're a woman.
- What? And you've always been a woman.
I have, yes.
Be a better story if I hadn't, though, right? So, Mrs.
Maisel, what can I do for you? You can stop writing about me.
Mm, I don't think so.
What else? Well, you can tell me why you write all that shit about me.
Oh, there's that classy verbiage I love so much.
Oh, so I offend you? Is that it? Don't think I'm ladylike enough? Would you believe I just don't find you funny? I would not, 'cause I'm hilarious.
You just make great copy, you know? Don't see a lot of female comics as it is, but one like you, looks like you, talks like you, it kind of writes itself.
- These are hit pieces.
- No! You called me a slut.
Just implied.
I cleared it with legal.
Wow.
You seem really proud of yourself.
Well, you caught me on a good day.
I just got the window desk.
Took it from Eddie over there.
Hey, Eddie! Oh, he's a little sore.
He had this desk for five years, and he's really good.
You should read his pieces on government waste and corruption and cronyis Okay.
Time to go.
I'm sorry you're upset, but look at it this way, I'm keeping your name in the press.
I'm a gin girl, in case you want to send a thank-you gift.
Okay, go ahead.
Take your best shot.
If you think you're gonna destroy me or run me out of the business Oh, God, no.
That would be terrible.
I mean, you're a gold mine.
The Sophie Lennon rift was good, but following it up with the Shy Baldwin fiasco? Thank you, seriously.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to do what I'm doing? To-to go into these clubs run by men, dominated by men, and go up there and try to make men listen to me? Of course.
That's why I write about you.
Because when I hand my editor a piece about you the rougher the better I get print.
I get placement.
I get this desk.
I'm no longer a skirt.
I mean, hey, it's tough being a woman in journalism.
Keep up the good work.
So they banned him from the Paramount lot for the rest of the summer.
He came in disguise once, and they booted him out onto Melrose.
Miss Miriam, your great friend Sophie Lennon's here.
She's not my great friend.
She just told us a disgusting story about Mickey Rooney and a frozen banana.
Too much funny.
- Isn't that sweet? - It's so amazing to have a funny person like that here in the house.
Yes.
Zelda, why don't you give us the room? Come on, everybody.
Thank you, Miss Sophie.
No, thank you, Miss Zelda.
- Goodbye, all.
- She's so funny.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
Boy, the rooms you play are getting smaller by the day.
Goodbye.
You're not just a little bit curious why I'm here, hmm? You look thirsty.
Can I get you something? This is my apartment.
And no, I don't want anything.
Then you can wait outside, Dawes.
Gladly, ma'am.
- I hate that.
- Let's see.
The last time I saw you, you were resplendent in red.
And you were gagging from your epic Broadway choke-fest.
Fine, let's get down to it.
I need your help.
- For what? - You know what.
I want Susie back as my manager.
- Sophie - That woman is the future, and she makes me feel confident, and I need her in my corner.
Sophie, I couldn't get Susie to do that if I tried.
And I am not going to try.
Why? Why? Because I hate you.
Hate! With the burning hate of a thousand suns.
It's a lot of hate, Sophie.
It starts here, boils here, brews here.
It is a seething, writhing, lava-spewing volcano of hate.
I really hate you.
You're in financial straits.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
This is a charade, hmm? You are in debt up to your alabaster tits.
- Missed your calling as a poet.
- Hmm.
- You want me to list off your creditors? - Sophie Your grocer.
Your baker.
Your dry cleaner, he's cut you off and won't even return your last batch of clothes.
You owe $30 to the electric company, 20 to gas and water, 200 on your Bloomingdale's charge.
Your fridge is out, and boy, is Zelda pissed about that.
But your biggest debt is to one Moishe Maisel.
That's your father-in-law, isn't it? Who told you this? Susie? Oh, God, no.
My private investigator.
He can find anything on anyone.
And failing that, he can plant anything on anyone.
But in your case, there's no planting necessary.
You are a full-blown garden.
Why are you doing this? Because I have an offer.
Come work on my show.
I'm sorry? Do the warm-up.
You know what that is, right? You are deranged.
You come out before the broadcast, you greet the audience, you give them the rules, tell a couple of jokes.
Sometimes you throw candy at them.
- No way.
- It's easy.
They're there to laugh and get out of the heat, and I keep that studio cold.
The hours are minimal, and it's a quick subway ride away.
And the money you will be paid a lot of money.
Too much money.
I'll see to that.
And how could this possibly help you fix things with Susie? My only chance at getting her back is through you.
If we get along, Susie will calm down, and then she'll come be my manager.
I would never work for you.
You won't be.
You'll be working for NBC.
And the best part? You won't have to see me.
You'll perform, you'll leave, and then I come on.
And that's the way it'll be.
And in a year, maybe less, you'll be debt-free.
I'll even throw in a fridge.
And I'll muzzle that L.
Roy Dunham for you, too.
That bitch needs a comeuppance.
Women should help each other out, don't you think? - Where is he? - I don't know.
We had dinner down the block.
I came ahead to make sure everything was ready.
- He may have hit a bar.
- A bar? Is this guy a drunk? Let me use your phone.
I shouldn't have let him out of my sight.
Did I let you talk me into booking a drunk magician? I don't even know who the fuck to call.
'Cause I'm all for a magician disappearing but not before he goes onstage.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Why are you still here? You're supposed to be on a train.
I know.
Can we talk? What's wrong? - Office.
- Sure.
Be right back.
Oh, sure, and it's my pleasure to hang up the phone for you.
I never should've booked this guy.
Sight unseen, I did it.
I'm an idiot.
Well, I'm pregnant.
Did you ask me what I wanted to talk about? No.
Oh, okay.
I wanted to talk about the fact that I'm pregnant.
- When you're ready.
- You're pregnant? - Yes.
- You're sure? - Yes.
- You're sure sure? Joel, there's a custom in my culture.
It's an ironclad, foolproof way to tell if a woman's pregnant.
- What is it? - It's taking a damn test at a doctor's office.
- I'm sure.
- Shit.
- Shit.
- Uh-huh.
My first words, too.
So we're on the same page there.
That's good.
This is my fault.
- I know better.
- So do I.
- I mean, I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.
- I'm on a path, you know? - Yes, I know.
- I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.
I'm gonna be a doctor.
I know.
I heard you.
I'm gonna be a doctor! I know you're gonna be a doctor.
Why do you keep saying you're gonna be a doctor? I'm not saying it to you.
I'm saying it to me.
You have to say it over and over and over at first so you know the other person heard you, and then again and again to remind yourself that you're actually gonna be a doctor, and then over and over so you remember you're gonna be a doctor and you don't forget and you don't lose focus and you don't get pregnant! - Mei - I go to bed saying I'm gonna be a doctor.
I wake up saying I'm gonna be a doctor.
I know.
I've woken up next to you.
You're gonna be a doctor.
It's a done deal.
You got a residency interview tomorrow.
- It's gonna happen.
- Oh, my God.
I've got a residency interview tomorrow.
- Go.
Get on a train.
- But I'm pregnant.
- I think it's safe.
- There's jostling.
Mei, we'll figure it out.
We've got time.
I've fucked up a lot of things in my life.
I'm not gonna fuck this up, too.
Let me get you a taxi.
I've got one outside.
Then go.
And call me from the station.
And as soon as you get to Chicago.
And when you get to your hotel.
And when I'll call a lot.
I promise.
You're gonna be a doctor.
Alfie.
You're very mad at me.
I've been looking all over for you.
That is not a spice.
I may have just snorted gunpowder.
Goddamn, Alfie, there's a room full of people waiting for you.
- I am aware.
- But you don't give a shit? I didn't say that.
- You been drinking? - I thought about it.
So you're just doing a little shopping.
Getting a jump on Christmas? You know, it was just about 20 years ago to the day that I won the Major Bowes Amateur Hour.
- I was 12.
- Impressive.
Orson Welles took me to lunch.
He ordered for both of us.
Then he asked a very pertinent question: "What does it mean for a magician to perform on radio?" - That's a pretty good question.
- And then he ate both lunches.
Sounds like Orson.
When he finished, he went to the john and I drank his martini, and I liked it.
It was like punch but with that terrific snap.
Can't guess what this is.
I'm buying it.
Alfie, do not do what you're doing.
- What am I doing? - You're talking yourself out of it.
Am I? You are the best I've seen.
You are not a hack.
You're special.
I really believe that.
You can do this.
Let me help you.
I don't know.
I just feel What? What do you feel? Everything.
I got a good eye, Alfie.
You are client number two of what's gonna be a roster of groundbreaking fucking clients, so I am not giving up on you.
Lost causes is that your specialty? I don't know.
Ask Sigmund fucking Freud.
I can, you know.
I talk to the dead.
Fine.
Tell Siggie to watch you, because goddamn it, you are getting back up there, because if you are gonna fail, you're gonna fail with an audience and you are gonna fail spectacularly.
- Is this a pep talk? - Hell yes.
It's using the word "fail" a lot.
But you get the gist.
Now, you are not going on tonight.
Hmm? I'm gonna buy that thing for you that you want, and you're gonna go home and play with it, and once it breaks, 'cause all this shit in here lasts like a minute, you are gonna start practicing for the new gig I am booking for you tomorrow.
That man at the club will be very upset.
He's not a man.
He's Joel.
I'll deal with him.
Just don't drink.
Okay? Because you are the lousiest, sloppiest fucking drunk I've ever met.
Now, where's that thing you want? It's in your pocket.
Motherfuck, you are good.
I'm trying to get the fuck away from her.
- I know.
- This is not getting the fuck away from her.
It's money.
It's anonymous money.
She's an evil genius.
Patricia Highsmith modeled every psycho in every book after her.
I need the cash.
I need a fridge.
She sent me luggage and a car.
It's local.
No travel.
No? Too bad, 'cause I have luggage and a car you could use.
Susie? These are housewives.
- You can't say "tits.
" - I won't say "tits.
" You think you can do this without saying "tits"? I think I can.
Fuck! She had sex with Cubby O'Brien.
So? Wait, what? The Mouseketeer? I don't believe that.
You really want to work for a woman who defiled America's sweetheart? I don't think Cubby O'Brien is America's sweetheart.
America loves goddamn Cubby O'Brien, Miriam! Wake up! Fuck! Mrs.
Weissman, follow me.
- Rose Weissman.
- Hmm.
We finally meet face-to-face.
You find the place okay? I did.
It's lovely.
I've never been to Brighton Beach before.
- It feels like such a treat.
- Please sit.
I'm Benedetta.
Benedetta ? - No last names.
- Oh, yes.
You know my last name, though.
- I'm Gitta.
- Molly.
- Miss Em.
- Well, nice to meet you all.
Is this the whole group? You drink sherry, don't you, Rose? I do.
I mean, not during the day.
Oh.
Thank you.
I just have to say I think it's a wonderful idea to have a Small Business Women's Council.
Women coming together to share a common purpose.
It's like the Girl Scouts without the annoying camping element.
Ooh, the herring is so nice today.
So tell me, Benedetta, what exactly is your business? Me? Oh, I help people.
So noble.
I help them find each other.
I help them fall in love.
I help them get married.
You sound like a matchmaker.
Miss Em, what is your business? Well, I am what I like to call a matrimonial matron.
Otherwise known as a matchmaker.
Gitta, what about you? Matchmaker.
Pass the mustard.
- Molly? - I am a nurse part-time, and I teach clogging on the weekends.
I'm kidding.
I'm a matchmaker.
What about you, Rose Weissman? Well, I'm also a matchmaker.
And how long have you been a matchmaker, Rose Weissman? You know, "Rose" is fine.
Rose Weissman has not answered my question.
And she also hasn't passed the mustard.
Well, I'm relatively new to the game.
A few months.
You seem to be doing very well for yourself in such a short time.
- Beginner's luck.
- Uh-huh.
Have you ever seen a dog try to eat the kibble out of another dog's dish, Rose Weissman? - Thankfully, no.
- It's ugly.
- Very ugly.
- A dog has one dish.
He shouldn't have to share his kibble with anyone.
Ladies, I think there's been a misunderstanding.
So you're not working as a matchmaker? Well, yes, I am.
But I assure you I'm not trying to eat the kibble out of anyone's dish.
You bagged the Melamid girls.
- Melamid's my territory.
- I don't understand.
Manhattan is divided up into territories.
It's the only way to keep the peace after the wars.
The wars? You don't want to know about the wars.
Lost a lot of good ladies in the wars.
However, once everyone got their piece, the wars stopped.
Now we each have our territory.
Little Italy, Lower East Side.
Upper Manhattan, Harlem, Washington Heights.
West End, Midtown, Hell's Kitchen.
Jews are everywhere, but I stick to the Jews, and Melamid's a Jew.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't know about the territories.
- You got our letter, didn't you? - What letter? The letter that you ignored.
The one that said "stop.
" Oh, that letter.
Yes, I did get it.
I just didn't understand it.
You didn't understand "stop"? - It's one word.
- What are you, an idiot? No.
I understand it now.
Good.
But, ladies, really, New York is such a big city.
Surely, there's enough business to go around.
I don't think you've been listening to us.
You are not welcome.
You are intruding.
You are competition that we do not need or want.
Now, we are ladies, and as ladies, we wanted to give you a chance.
If you had pulled this stunt out in Staten Island, all that would've been left of you is that hat.
And I don't want to tell you what they would've done to the hat.
We can make this very, very ugly for you if we choose to.
What are you saying? For starters, we know about your daughter and that nudie show.
Mr.
Melamid would not approve.
None of your other clients would, either.
What my daughter does has nothing to do with my business.
Business? What do you know about business? Matchmaking isn't a business.
It's a tradition going back decades, centuries.
My family has been pairing up Harlem since Harlem had two A's in it.
You got to stop.
- Stop.
- Stop.
- Stop and pass the salt.
- Are we clear? Good.
Now shall we eat? Mm.
The cutlets here are so thin.
And crispy.
That is a lovely hat, by the way.
It's a good audience today.
Mostly tourists, a few locals, couple of nuns.
The usual.
I'll try not to insult the pope.
Crowd work's always good.
They love it, so feel free to interact.
And at some point, we'll be throwing game-branded pot holders out to everybody.
- They love pot holders.
- As do I.
Just keep in mind that the one thing everyone out there has in common is the thing we all have in common: we love Sophie.
Sorry.
- Yes.
We love Sophie.
- Ten seconds to warm-up! Okay, looks like we're ready.
Go out there and have fun.
I'm gonna wander around a little.
Break a leg.
Better yet, break Sophie's.
Go on.
I'll see you later.
Good afternoon, everyone.
You ready to see Seconds Count! with Sophie Lennon? That's too bad, because this is a cooking show.
Who likes salmon casserole? No, no, you're in the right place.
So, a couple of things to keep in mind today.
No smoking, no snacking, and when that red light goes on, it means the Russians are invading.
Or we're rolling.
One of the two.
Both are pretty exciting.
And when Sophie comes out, I'm gonna need you to yell like your hair's on fire.
And if at any point your hair really is on fire, the exits are there and there.
Boy, good-looking crowd today.
You two look like you're in love.
- Am I wrong? - We're engaged.
Aw.
Exciting.
And do you want kids right away? - Uh, uh, I think so.
- Yes.
Great.
Well, I've got two for you.
Their names are Ethan and Esther.
I'll have them bathed and delivered to you.
Just feed and water them regularly.
Nice doing business with you.
Hi there.
Susie Myerson, talent manager.
Just dropping by to say hello to Mike Carr.
Following up on a lunch from a couple weeks ago.
- You on the list? - Sure.
Who do I see about the list? Me.
Your name's Susie Myerson? Actually, it's, uh Carol Jacobson.
- Yep.
There I am.
- So you're Gordon's stepmother? Yep.
Love him like my own.
Keep walking.
It's always "keep walking" with these people.
So I'm getting the sense that a lot of you are from out of town.
Let's see a show of hands.
Come on.
And how many of you are toting New York City guidebooks? Some of you have 'em.
Fess up.
Uh-huh.
Let me see that.
You know, this is the only place in the world where you can see a Broadway musical, a game show and a mugging all in one day.
Let's see.
Says here, "For your own safety, try not to look like a tourist.
" Which is tough when you're carrying a guidebook.
I guess they just want you to look like a very stupid local.
What's with the laughs? It's your girl.
She's good.
Very good.
Crowd loves her.
Oh, good.
It's going to work.
walk around with a hobo stick and a half-drunk bottle of Canadian Club, and no one will come within a mile of you.
She's so funny! She's a riot.
"Coney Island: a great spot to visit for a day trip.
" "New Yorkers walk quickly, so consider picking up the pace so you don't annoy the locals.
" The other good way not to annoy the locals? Leave town.
Whoa.
Was it that funny? No, but I am.
Sophie, hello.
- Is the show starting? - Oh, in a few minutes.
I just thought I'd come out here and say hi to these beautiful people.
Aw.
Oh, sounds like you're done with the appetizer and want to get to the entrée, huh? Good deal, Sophie, but you know, rushing a meal could give you gas.
Not unless the appetizer's rich, so we're fine.
Let's take a poll, huh? You want me to leave? No! The people have spoken.
Ah.
Now, let me be your guide to New York.
Don't bother with lunch at Tavern on the Green.
You want to get day-drunk in Central Park, grab a bottle and meet me in the Ramble.
My advice? Skip the horse-and-carriage ride.
If you're looking to get bounced around while breathing the smell of manure, hail one of our cabs.
And you can skip the carousel in Central Park.
If you want to go around in circles with a bunch of idiot children, come to my writers' room, huh? And there's no need to schlep to the Museum of Natural History.
If you want to gawk at a dinosaur, you're already in the right place.
Oh, so funny.
So, so funny.
Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
Mike.
- What? - Susie Myerson.
From the Stage Deli.
- Sophie Lennon? - Right.
How you doing? The Sophie Lennon thing went good, you got to admit.
- Gordon was happy.
- So I'm one for one.
Listen, I got a client, a killer comic.
She is wowing 'em out there, man.
And Gordon's show is the perfect place to break her on national TV.
Thought I'd offer her to you before I go to Jack Paar.
- Great.
What's her gimmick? - What? Breakdown? Felony conviction? Sex triangle? - She's a comic.
- I don't get it.
- She's just a really good comic.
- Okay.
Guess I can send one of my guys.
Where's she gig? Oh, she's actually doing warm-up for Sophie as we speak.
Never mind.
Uh, but her regular gig's at a place Midtown.
She is selling out the room.
It's big stuff.
- Where, the Latin Quarter? Roxie's? - No.
- So it's a joint downtown? - No.
- If you want me to see her, where the fuck can I see her? - Where? Where? I got no fucking place for you to see her, Mike.
Wow, look at that hairstyle.
Wilt Chamberlain couldn't see over that thing.
Your hair is so high, you don't need a hair stylist, you need an air traffic controller, huh? Her hair is so high, her split ends have altitude sickness.
Oh.
Her hair is higher than Midge's unpaid dry cleaning bills.
Her hair is higher than Sophie's blood pressure.
Her hair is higher than the pedestal Midge puts herself on.
Ha! Her hair is higher than Sophie Lennon on a Tuesday night.
Hell, Tuesday morning.
Hell, every morning.
Well, how's it going, sir? What's your name? - Ma'am, what's your name? - Morty.
- Stella.
- Morty, where are you from? - And where are you from? - Milwaukee.
- Westport, Connecticut.
- Morty from Milwaukee.
- Well, it's great to have you here.
- That's got a nice ring.
"Hey.
I'm Morty from Milwaukee.
- If I need anything else from you today, - I'll just call out, "Stella!" - You know my wife, Patty from Poughkeepsie.
" Will you turn my mic up, fellas? Mine, too, fellas.
Trying to reach the back row here.
Stella, would you like my autograph? Be happy to give you one.
Or an incurable venereal disease not seen since the days of Columbus? She'd be happy to give you that, too.
Watch your tongue here, dear.
We're not in that sleazy grind joint you work in.
Correct.
We're on the set of a game show.
Such a nice place for an over-the-hill comedian to live out her twilight years.
And what a game show.
Another poll.
Who loves Seconds Count!? Seconds count, like when you're defusing a bomb.
Which makes sense, since half of Sophie's jokes are bombs.
Or like when you're pulling the cord on a parachute.
Did you have to do that when Shy Baldwin kicked your ass off his plane? I get the laxative commercials now, Sophie.
Perfect for someone so full of shit.
All righty, folks! Who wants a free pot holder?