The Nanny s04e06 Episode Script

Now, you notice, Miss Fine, how, how voluptuous and fleshy this nude is.
Artist was obviously inspired by Rubens.
Yeah, well, if you ask me, she had one too many Rubens herself.
Ah.
No, Miss Fine, back then, a full figure was the standard for beauty.
Meanwhile, if it were today, you'd see her sittin' around a piano bar, singin' show-tunes with her three gay friends.
Uh.
Oh, my God, it's my father.
Oh, well, you know, my uncle Louis started to develop breasts around 60.
What? No.
No, no, no, Miss Fine, my father is in the gallery.
Oh! Ah, I've got a few words to say manipulative, son of a Oh! Oh, my God, he's coming out.
- Come on, let's go, let's go.
- No, no, stop! - Quick, hide me, hide me.
- No.
I will not perpetuate this feud between you and your father.
First of all, it's completely - Just kiss me! - Okay.
Maxwell! Well, what a surprise.
Father.
Oh, good Lord.
Gracious me, Miss Fine, would you believe it, my father was actually inside the gallery that we were kissing in front of.
Aha, what a coincidence.
Where are you gonna be tomorrow? Who is this gorgeous woman and what is she doing kissing you, and not me? Aha ha ha.
James Sheffield, Maxwell's father.
Fran Fine, Maxwell's Well, it depends on what day it is.
Come on, son, give the old man a hug, huh? Why? Don't you get enough hugs from that secretary you abandoned your family for? Trollop.
What'd I do? Maxwell, I never set out to hurt your mother, she's a lovely woman.
Shrew.
Look, I'll take it from him, but you, I just met.
Well, it's been wonderful seeing you, Father.
Why don't we do this again in, say, another, ooh, ten years? Maxwell! Well, that's it? Walk away? Put a dagger through your father's heart? I could be dead in a year, then you'll be sorry! My God, you're Jewish? She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there That's how she became The Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we've described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran Just tell me, what is so wrong with a 15-year-old guy wanting to take ballet lessons? Nothing, sweetheart.
It isn't you, is it? Yes, it's me.
Well, you already look like a boiled chicken in a tank top.
Now you wanna wear tights? Stop it.
Look how mature your sister's being.
He goes to a different school.
No one knows we're related.
What is wrong with you people? Just leave your brother alone.
He only wants to express himself artistically.
- You're lookin' to meet chicks? - Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Niles, I think it's time that I marched myself into Mr.
Sheffield's office and talk to him that his son wants to be a ballerina.
Mm-hmm.
What horrible thing have you done that won't seem so bad after you tell him this? I invited his father to the house for dinner.
And you're gonna tell him now? Ooh, just let me get to the intercom.
Oof.
Talk to me, baby.
I can't believe she invited his father to dinner.
What did he say? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was livid.
He said, this time she'd gone too far, and then he threatened to What? What? Fire her? Okay.
Fire her.
Miss Fine, I cannot believe you invited my father.
Are you trying to kill me? 'Cause you're not in the will, you know? You can't leave now, my mother's coming over.
She's gonna think we're having problems.
We are! You're about to be found floating in the river, and I'm about to be pulled in for questioning.
Oh.
Ooh, this is fabulous.
Relive the magic at home, 1995.
So much is going on.
Oh, I'd love to stay for dinner.
But you're not invited.
Miss Fine, you have absolutely no idea what you've gotten yourself into.
The last time my father and I dined together, it almost came to blows.
Oh, you should see my family at Fung Lung's when they say they're out of moo shu pork.
Pork, Miss Fine? That doesn't count when it's Chinese food.
Why don't you give your father a chance to make up for lost time? I'm sure you'll find you've got a lot in common.
No, unlike my father, I am not about to abandon my responsibilities for sexual gratification with some cheap floozy who works for me.
Why? ( Doorbell rings ) Sir.
Niles, well, you don't look a day older than when you worked for me.
That was my father, sir.
Ah.
In that case, you look like hell.
Maxwell, I was thrilled to get your message at the hotel, asking me to come over here for a reconciliation.
It takes a big man to do that.
Mm, actually, father, it takes a woman with big hair.
Why don't you give your father a break? So he had an affair with his secretary, You'll always be his son, where is she today? Here I am, darling.
- To die for! - To die for! Oh, she is stunning and so tasteful.
Maxwell, darling.
( Kissing sounds ) Muah muah.
Look at you.
Oh, I remember when you were a little boy and you adored playing hide and seek.
You always wanted to hide underneath my skirt.
Or was that your father? Darling, not in front of the children.
- He he he.
-Oh, he used to love spying on us.
He and that chubby little chap who used to clean up after him.
Hey, it was an awkward stage.
( Doorbell rings ) I'll get it, I'll get it.
Ah, here they are.
Naomi and Wynonna.
Trust me, Dijon mustard comes right out.
Hmm, look at that stain.
Doesn't it look just like Jill Eikenberry? I spill a lot, too.
This used to be a salad.
Don't worry, darling.
I prefer it if James doesn't wear a tie at all.
Just takes me longer to undress him.
- Mmm.
- He he he.
Darling, don't tell secrets out of the bedroom.
What bedroom? I'm talking about last night in the elevator of the Equity Building.
Fran: Oh.
Woo, could I tell you stories about this one? Oh, boy, can I tell you stories about this one.
Sure, I made 'em up, but they'd knock your socks off.
You know, James, it's funny how you ended up with someone from the other side of the river.
Ha ha ha.
Like father, like son.
Ma! It's no insult, I'm, I'm proud of the fact that my father worked on the tube for 30 years.
My father sat in front of the tube for 40.
Do you know, before I worked for James, I almost got a job at Buckingham Palace, doing the queen's hair.
( Shrieks ) Ah! I almost got a job in the village doing hair on queens.
Huh.
Well, Maxwell, it's, obviously, we are attracted to the same kind of woman.
You've inherited my gift for mixing business with pleasure.
Hmm, well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, father, but I hired Miss Fine solely for her extensive experience in child care.
That's right.
You had enough.
Niles, take it away.
So, James, you obviously did well for yourself.
I mean, this isn't a cheap tie.
( James chuckles ) Although, now it's not worth anything.
Hmm, I do all right, Sylvia, I make most of my money in investments.
In fact, I just got a hot tip guaranteed to triple your return, no commitment, short-term.
Oh, no commitment, short-term? Hmm, throw in some children and a dumped wife, and you got your life.
( James clears his throat ) Isn't this delightful? Hmm, where did you get the exquisite shrimp? I came with her.
No, dear, I meant the crustacean.
Oh, she's my daughter.
Jolly good.
Well, where were we? Ah, yes, Maxwell was calling me a tramp.
No offense, Joan, but, Father, I cannot imagine what possessed you to bring this woman into my home.
My poor mother, sitting alone like a dog.
I thought you hated your mother.
Well, I like her now.
( James clears his throat ) Anyone see "Babe"? How'd they get that pig to learn all those lines? Why don't you just cut your father some slack? I mean, he obviously just wants to live his life, hassle-free, without any commitments.
Not unlike you.
Let it go.
The man's entitled to a girlfriend.
Not if his wife has anything to say about it.
( Fran gasps ) Huh.
- You're married? - Mmm.
Isn't that delightful? Ahem, well, we were playing cat and mouse so long, I decided to make an honest woman out of her.
He he.
Well, I was wrong.
You and your father are completely different.
And I like him better.
So, uh, Maxwell, how about a toast to me and my new wife? - Aw.
- Wife? I think gold-digger is a more appropriate description.
How dare you speak to your mother like that? - Huh? - Oh! Stepmother, darling, useful stepmother.
You think after all this, anyone would be in the mood for their little red potatoes? What am I, nuts? A pig can't learn lines.
He musta used cue cards.
So, then Mr.
Sheffield accused her of being a gold-digger.
Which Mr.
Sheffield? Oh, please.
The young one.
Oh, we'll pick this up later in the kitchen.
Bring a pair of alligator Gucci's, 9-1/2 D.
Oh, Niles, I should've never planned that dinner party.
It just stirred up all kinds of feelings of anguish and resentment.
In you, when you found out that a Sheffield would marry an employee? Yeah.
Oh, Fran, I gotta dump this ballet class.
It's full of all these muscular, good-looking guys who are obviously there to meet chicks too.
Not necessarily.
Honey, why don't you just quit? Fran, I can't.
I'm the lightest one.
They already made me head swan.
Well, then what're you worried about, bein' labeled? Listen, there are a lot of very masculine ballet dancers.
Baryshnikov All right, you know what, you'll tell your father you joined the ballet class.
He'll pull you out in two seconds.
Oh, thank you, Fran.
Not a moment too soon.
( Doorbell chimes ) I'll get it.
Oh, Fran, I hope you don't mind, but I just had to talk to you.
( gasps ) - Love the outfit! - Love the outfit! Oh, I feel so terrible about what happened the other night at dinner.
You know, James pretends not to care what Maxwell thinks, but it's one of the things that keeps him up at night.
I'm the other.
( Chuckles ) Oh, I think it's just so awful - when a father and son are at odds.
- Yes.
I wish I can be there to comfort Mr.
Sheffield when he's up all night.
- Do me a world o' good.
- Hmm, you know, I never believed that Maxwell would grow up to be as judgmental and narrow-minded as the rest of James' family.
They actually felt that I wasn't of his class.
Hmm.
( sucking sounds ) - That is such bull.
- Hmm.
Do you know, it took 10 years for James to finally make his move? And when he finally made his move, the only reason he did it, was that I went into his office to change his typewriter ribbon, wearing a sexy, little mid-riff top and a very, very short mini skirt.
I can't dress like that.
You know I take care of children.
I'll never forget how he took me in his arms, gazed into my eyes and told me that he loved me.
And then he took it back? No, then he proved it.
Six times.
I hate my life.
First, he dimmed the light, then he grabbed me and brought my body close to his, and then with one sweep of his arm, he cleared the desk of everything.
And then ( giggles ) Oh, do you have any ice? Oh, uh.
Yeah, here.
( laughs ) What? What? That was the first time that I ever nibbled on James' ear.
It drove him absolutely crazy.
- Ah! - And then, I, uh ( whispering sounds ) Oh, I can't do that, I'm Jewish.
Oh.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, it's time to change your ribbon.
Where's your typewriter? It's in the attic with my Peter Max posters.
See ya.
Oh, Miss Fine, wait.
Yes? I've had an epiphany.
Already? Just from doing this? I've always resented my father for his total lack of concern for anyone's feelings, but his own.
He's always lived solely for his own pleasure.
Maybe, that ain't so bad, huh? I mean, maybe, he's got the right idea.
I mean, I'm a man.
I have needs too, right? Oh, good, 'cause I can use a couple of multiple epiphanies, myself.
( snaps fingers ) I got a problem.
All right, honey, solve it yourself.
- It builds character.
- No, no, no.
Okay, Dad, here it is.
I'm in a ballet class and I don't care what you say.
I love it, and I'm stayin' in.
Well, son, you should do whatever makes you happy.
Even if you call the school and demand they take me out of that class, - I'm not leavin'.
- I want you to do it.
Would you let me live my own life? For the love of God, I'm a ballerina! Oh, I'll tell ya, he is so lucky that he's got people that love and support him.
Oh! Come here, look how baggy his butt looks in those tights.
( Both laugh ) So, you were sayin' you're a man, you got needs.
Well, maybe, I should just face the fact that my father fell in love with his secretary.
And your sister fell in love with her chauffeur.
And my grandfather married his maid.
No sense breakin' tradition.
None that I can see.
Wait, something is missing.
- What, what? - Oh, I know.
( Maxwell growls ) - Mmm, mmm.
- Mmm, mmm.
( Knocking on door ) What're you doing here? I'm picturing myself in Miss Babcock's BMW.
Well, we're off to San Tropez.
Here, we just came to say goodb Hi, hello! Ha ha ha ha.
He he he he.
Oh.
Honey, you've got a post-it on your bum.
Aha ha ha ha.
Oh.
( giggles ) So, Father, I'm glad you stopped by.
I, I think I owe you an apology.
Well, you know, you don't wanna keep 'em waiting.
I mean, there's a big time difference where you're going, you're probably late already.
Yeah, just, just a moment, Miss Fine, I have something I need to say to my father.
All righty, then.
Father, I believe I was wrong about you - That was beautiful.
- I Enjoy your trip.
We're wiped out! We lost $25,000 on that investment of yours.
Well, you win some, you lose some.
Thank God, that's all you invested.
That was our entire life savings.
Oh, stop it.
You said it was guaranteed, "Triple our money".
Oh, Ma, nobody forced you, you can't point fingers.
That was the money that we were gonna move to Boca with.
You are a dead man.
Father, how could you be so cavalier? These people are living on a fixed income.
I, I feel faint, I need something.
I'll get you some water.
No, steak.
I need protein.
And honey, I think we should dash off if we're gonna make it to Constantine's yacht.
- Mm-hmm.
-You are so incredibly insensitive.
How can you say I'm insensitive, when you're the one who's making me late for cocktails? What was I thinking? I, I was actually trying to be more like you.
Well, now I remember how much pain your selfishness causes other people.
I'm sorry, Miss Fine, I'm sorry for what almost happened here.
Well, that's bloody over with now.
All righty, then.
Hope you realize that our Christmas get together at my chalet in Tuscany is off.
You think I'd actually want to spend my holidays in the Italian countryside, gorging on rich food, partying with European glitterati? Well, I wouldn't.
And I wouldn't dream of subjecting my family to it, either.
Why? Come on, Joan.
Just a minute.
Darling, I know what you're thinking, but there's a part of James that is good.
( Sighs ) Not as good as it was 20 years ago, but it does the job.
Oh, and by the way, darling, I think that junior may still come around, but I'd lay off the chocolates, if I were you.
Oh, Miss Fine, I feel awful about your parents not being able to move to Boca.
You feel awful? If there's anything I could give them to help smooth things over.
- Grandchildren? - Mmm.
Maybe, I should just reimburse them for the money they lost.
Absolutely not.
They're way too proud.
They would never take it.
They'll just talk about it constantly, nag you incessantly, and never let it die until you do.
Hmm.
Oh, don't look now, but your father's in that gallery again.
Huh, quick, he's coming out.
Come here.
Miss Fine, that is not my father.
Oh, my mistake.
( Jazz music playing )