The Ranch (2016) s04e06 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, I got one for you.
If you had to pick one person to endorse your athletic underwear, who would it be? Gisele or Tom Brady? For athletic underwear, you gotta have balls, so I'd go with Gisele.
Hey! Morning, boys.
Beautiful day! Sun is shinin', the birds are chirpin'.
Just makes you happy to be alive, doesn't it? Is this a trap? If I say yes, you gonna call me a fucking idiot? No, I'm in a good mood.
[COLT.]
Huh.
You should tell your face.
Mornin', boys.
Ah, see? Now, I believe her.
Her face matches her words.
Did you tell them yet? No.
I'm waiting for them to stop saying stupid shit.
Well, we don't have that kinda time.
Beau and I are getting married! - Oh! Ho-ho! - Holy shit! Congratulations! I proposed to her, - not the other way around.
- [COLT.]
Wow! - That is really - That's great.
[JOANNE.]
Okay.
Dude! What the hell? You just hug blocked me! Enough with the fuckin' huggin'.
Oh.
Great! Now the moment's over.
Thanks a lot, Luke.
So, when's the big day? We're gonna go to the courthouse this week.
We don't wanna bother everybody with a big production.
- What? No! - [LUKE.]
Mm.
Come on.
We love you guys.
We gotta do it here.
Plus it's no bother for a father and son to run down to Men's Wearhouse to get matching ties and cummerbunds.
I'm not wearing a fucking cummerbund.
How about this? You let us plan something nice for you, you know, nothing too crazy and ostentatious.
Most people don't know this, KFC offers a wedding package.
[GASPS.]
Beautiful spread.
That might be kinda nice to have something here, for family and friends.
My daughter won't be able to make it, 'cause she can't leave the state.
But that's really for the best.
It'd kinda ruin the ceremony to have that ankle bracelet going off.
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
I'll get married at the Eiffel Tower if it'll make you happy.
- [CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
- Please don't say that'll make you happy.
- Hey, everyone.
- [BEAU.]
Hey, Ab.
Big news.
Joanne and Beau are getting married here Saturday.
- Congratulations! - Thank you.
I'm so happy for you guys.
Hey, Peyton could be the flower girl.
She's not walking yet but we could sit her on the Roomba, I do it at my parents'.
Oh, my God, she loves it! When she drops a Cheerio, picks it right up.
I'll put her in the car.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
Okay.
Well, I guess I'm leaving.
Congrats again.
[CHUCKLES.]
And, by the way, Bass Pro Shops does let you register.
Colt and me registered at stupid Bed Bath & Beyond.
I've used that SodaStream once and, no, it does not make beer.
You gonna start the car and back it outta the driveway, too? Very funny.
- All right, drive safe.
- Okay, hang on a second.
We gotta talk about the other night.
Okay.
You gonna forgive me and move back in? - No, but - Then we got nothing to talk about.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lonestar belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys [MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR.]
Hey, Hank.
Err My dad and Joanne are getting married this weekend.
They wanted me to invite you.
I'd love that.
I can't remember the last time I was at a wedding.
You was at me and Abby's.
Yeah, but I can't remember it.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey, Jerry.
Hey, let's grab a table.
You're not even gonna order a beer? Mind if I grab one? I got way too high.
I gotta put something in my system.
How you doing, Jerry? How's business? Fantastic.
An 80-year-old woman got hit by a bus with my ad on it.
First thing she saw when she came to was a picture of me saying, "Hurt? Call Jerry.
" She was and she did.
Yeah, well, we all ain't lucky enough to get hit by a bus, Jerry.
So, where are we on the Neumann's Hill dam? I'm doing my research back at the office.
I won't bore you with the legalese.
If we don't get that water flowing, there'll be dead cows everywhere.
It'll be like cow-mageddon.
[CHUCKLES.]
And it ain't just me either.
You got the Kincaids, the Hollisters downstream, all getting killed.
Lisa Neumann, she don't even give a shit.
Yeah.
Well, Lisa's not lying.
The water rights from the Stockwell Ranch go back farther than any other parcel in the area.
Shit! Yep.
But it turns out that your land was originally part of the Stockwell Ranch.
That means you have as much right to that water as Neumann's Hill does.
In future, Jerry, why don't you just start out with the good news? Spoken by somebody who doesn't bill by the hour.
[LAUGHS.]
Right.
So, what's next? What do we do now? Well, next thing would be to file an injunction.
And then, based on the precedents of other cases, we'll probably be able to get the dam opened up and get water flowing through your land and everyone downstream until the lawsuit is settled.
Fuck Neumann's Hill.
We'll take from the rich and give to the poor.
Like them two English dudes, Rob and Hood.
Um Right, "Rob and Hood.
" Know what, Colt? I think you might have a lawsuit against the school system.
[BEAU.]
Hey! Hey.
Everything all right? Who's Thelma's partner? Is that the short-haired woman at the Dairy Queen that drives a Subaru and makes her own soap? In the movie.
I've been staring at this crossword for 15 minutes, trying to recall a name from a movie I seen a hundred times.
Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis drive a Ford Thunderbird off a fucking cliff! Joanne, you just forgot a name.
We're both getting a few years on us.
When I took a knee to propose, it sounded like Jiffy Pop.
And then it swelled up like Jiffy Pop.
What if my disease is kicking in? We're getting married on Saturday.
What if I stand there and forget your name? What if I say "Drake" and I'm married to the dog? You could do worse.
He's a good boy.
I knew this was stupid.
Why did I think getting married in my condition was a good idea? 'Cause it is a good idea.
We love each other.
And we wanna be together.
I don't wanna embarrass you.
No, you're not gonna embarrass me.
Colt is my son.
So you don't wanna back out? Not a chance.
Whatever happens, I'm gonna be right here by your side.
- And it's Louise.
- Oh! I remember 'cause I hated that film.
Who in the hell drives a perfectly good Ford off of a cliff? [JOANNE LAUGHS.]
[CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.]
Hey.
Hey.
What you doing here? Thought you had Peyton tonight.
No.
I left her with my parents.
When she naps, my mom's gotta be quiet.
So I'm pretty sure my dad's syncing Peyton's nap times with Broncos games.
Listen, um I had an idea to run by you.
Yeah.
I'm a little busy right now.
Thanks to Lisa Neumann's dam, me and Luke have been filling water troughs all day.
Got a newfound appreciation for the water boy.
Would never have fought so hard for Tommy Winkelman not to get his varsity letter.
I was thinking about the other night, how you said you feel like you're the only one trying.
I want you to feel like I'm trying, too.
So I thought it might be helpful if we talked to someone.
Talkin' about counseling? [SIGHS.]
Michael Myers from Halloween had counseling his whole life, still ended up killing everyone in the neighborhood.
Okay, come on! Colt, this is what couples do when they're having trouble.
They talk to a professional.
Yeah? All right, what am I gonna say? - Well - Say I'm sorry? I shouldna lied to you? I'll never do it again? Well, I'm sorry.
I shouldna lied to you.
I'll never do it again.
Just saved you two hundred bucks.
It's like the time I reset my broken arm.
Everyone said I was crazy but I could put sun lotion on my own back.
Okay.
I mean, we don't have to see a therapist.
We could see a priest.
What's a priest know about marriage? That's like asking my dad what Broadway show to go to.
Well, I mean, we gotta try something.
Okay? We need help.
Do we need help? Or do you need help? I'm good.
We can get back together right now.
And I'm trying to get there.
Okay? Julie from school went to counseling with her husband, it saved her marriage.
Now they're one of those couples with a joint Facebook page who are so fucking happy.
I hope they get a divorce.
Fuck! Look, I ain't got time for this right now.
Will you at least think about it? If not for me, for Peyton? - I'll think about it.
- Thank you.
I'll try and get some names.
Like I said, I ain't got no issues.
Just make sure it ain't a woman.
Or any man that's younger than me.
Or anyone who looks like my dad.
If they don't drink beer, I ain't going.
[COLT.]
Right, fellas.
Three shots of Jameson.
I'm not drinking any shots.
Come on.
It's three Jamesons neat in tiny little glasses.
You can call me Tom Hanks 'cause I'm here for the bachelor party.
This isn't a goddamn bachelor party.
Then I better cancel the stripper I hired to dance to "You're a Grand Old Flag.
" [DALE LAUGHS.]
You call it whatever you want.
We're here for you.
All right.
To my dad.
I remember when I went on my first date, you told me to treat her like she's the only woman in the world.
That's exactly how you treat Joanne.
I also told you that women don't like men who wear their mother's makeup.
I was concealing a pimple.
Yeah, that's perfectly natural to have a breakout during your first period.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
[LUKE.]
Fucking girl.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
I don't know if you boys know this or not, but my first date with my wife, Charlene, was a double date with Beau and Maggie.
So, just you and three ladies, huh, Dale? Fuck you.
That's funny.
Yeah.
Beau has been there at every important moment in my life.
And now, I get to be there and witness you marrying your soul mate.
Now, can we all stop saying that shit about me? I know I'm done.
No, wait.
I got one.
I wanna go.
Now, I've known Beau going on six, seven weeks now, and everyone says that since meeting Joanne, he's become a nicer, sweeter man.
Frankly, I still find him quite abrasive, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm just so grateful I didn't meet him before he met Joanne.
So, cheers! - [CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
- [COLT.]
Fuckers.
You just get that picture I sent you? That's your beer and my balls.
No, it's from Jerry.
They denied the fucking injunction.
Neumann's Hill don't have to take their dam down.
Jesus Christ.
I thought he said it was a sure thing.
Neumann's Hill's got those deep pockets, they probably paid somebody off.
How am I supposed to survive? How am I supposed to take care of my family? And like What about the Kincaids? And the Hollisters? She's taking out three ranches, she don't even give a shit.
So, wait, that's it? We're just fucked? [POOL BALLS CLICK.]
I mean the bad guys aren't supposed to win.
Voldemort doesn't kill Harry Potter.
As a matter of fact, he does.
Harry is the final horcrux.
Goddamn lawyers.
Back in the day, we wouldn't worry about any of this shit.
We just found a way to handle it ourselves.
- I ain't gonna let her win.
- [DALE.]
No.
Well, I got your back.
What's your plan? Fucked if I know.
Cool.
The usual plan.
Enough of this depressing shit.
I'm gonna go put Pink on the jukebox, and we'll get this party started! Howdy.
Colt How did you get in here? Let's just say your assistant's a fan.
Of Michael Kelso, who she thinks I look like.
It's only gonna take a moment.
I see you more than I see my therapist.
And d'you feel like it helps? [LISA.]
All right Are you here about the injunction? 'Cause the court denied it and there's nothing you can do.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, we lost that battle.
But my lawyer reassures me we're gonna win the case.
So, why don't we just cut to the end? Why don't you take down the dam? Lookee there.
I'm saving you time and money.
I'm like the GEICO gecko.
Colt, I have a team of the best lawyers money can buy.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, my lawyer is on the side of a bus.
And I'm in the right.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, the thing is, you know, it doesn't really matter who's right or wrong.
You think it's a coincidence your injunction was denied? The district attorney has been in my suite at the Broncos games every Sunday for the last six years.
In fact, you spilled mustard on his shirt.
We got him a club soda.
He said it was fine.
Look, I can make this case go on for years.
You'll run out of money long before we get a final verdict.
It'll cost you everything and it won't change my life at all.
Okay, I know you don't like me.
What about them other ranchers downstream? Don't you care about their families, their lives? It is not my responsibility to rescue people.
Jeez And I'm not gonna apologize for being a success because other people fail.
Ah.
Okay, so this is just all about money and greed to you? Just please.
[SCOFFS.]
Why are you running your ranch? The same reason I am: to make money, and I just happen to be better at it.
Just 'cause you got more money than me don't make you a better rancher.
Look [SCOFFS.]
I have never seen anyone work harder than you.
But where has it gotten you? To the brink of disaster? Not everyone is a leader.
The world needs workers, too.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? It means that everyone is born with different genetic proclivities.
You're fast and strong, that's what made you good at football.
I have a good mind for business and that's why I am the most successful rancher in Colorado.
You're underestimating me.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I I don't think that's possible.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna take you down.
- [DOOR CREAKS.]
- Hey.
Check it out.
I taught Drake to be the ring bearer.
Okay, hey, Beau's in his bedroom.
Okay? Go to Beau! Go to Beau! Go - [DRAKE BARKING.]
- Well, that was a waste of two hours.
Hopefully there ain't no squirrels during the vows, huh? - [LUKE.]
Mm-hmm.
- I gotta ask you something.
If someone said that you had a genetic proclivity to being fast and strong, what do they mean? Dude, I'm not racing you again.
I beat you fair and square last time.
No Look Lisa Newman said I had a genetic proclivity to being fast and strong, and she's got one for business.
So, like, what's that mean? [LAUGHING.]
Wow She's saying you're fucking stupid.
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
After the ceremony, you help me out with something? Yeah.
Do I need a vehicle, or a weapon? Or a vehicle that's a weapon? No.
[MUMBLES.]
Although I ain't ever gonna say no to strappin' a chainsaw to the front of an ATV.
- [LUKE LAUGHS.]
- No.
When you was in the Army [HEATHER.]
Just fuckin' leave! [MARY.]
This isn't your house.
You can't tell me what to do.
It's not yours either.
You shouldn't be here.
Oh, please.
Are you in charge of the guest list? You fuckin' kidding me? Hey, Mary, what are you doing here? I just came to be at my friends' wedding.
She's high.
Oh, please.
Like you guys aren't gonna get drunk off your asses.
You have enough beer here for a Raiders' game.
Just go on and get outta here.
Uh-uh.
I'm allowed to be here.
Okay? I trained Joanne at the Cracker Barrel.
Beau and I were in the church bowling league for a decade.
Do you have a shirt that says "Jesus Strike Superstars"? A very envious no.
Listen.
Why ain't you go chill in the hunting cabin? Okay? Take a little break.
I'll come talk to you later.
You may already know this but Rooster left a big ole jackpot full of McRibs in the freezer.
[DOOR CREAKS.]
[BEAU.]
What's goin' on? This train wreck's about to ruin your weddin'.
I just came to support you and Joanne on your big day.
You know, have some fun.
Wrestle Colt for the bouquet.
[LAUGHS.]
- I I'm really sorry about this.
- Don't fucking apologize for me.
- Hey, let's go get a cuppa coffee - Stop it! [LUKE.]
Let's you and I [MARY.]
Fu Goddammit! I tripped! Okay? Jesus! Why is everybody so fuckin' worried about me? - Got me.
I don't give a shit.
- Colt.
Mary? You have a problem.
What? Fuck.
Joanne, really? How many times did we get high outside the Cracker Barrel? You were the one who taught me to roll a giant joint outta the kids' menu.
We just want to help you, Mary.
We care about you.
You care about me? If you care about me so much, why wasn't I fuckin' invited? [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
What am I doing? I'm begging to be at this shitshow.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, wait! Forgot your gift.
[DRAKE BARKING.]
The couple have prepared their own vows.
Joanne.
Hold on a minute.
- Just in case.
- [GUESTS LAUGH.]
She has Alzheimer's but she got a great sense of humor about it.
[GUESTS LAUGH.]
Beau, when I was first diagnosed, I tried to hide it from everybody.
And then, when I finally told you, I ran away.
But you wouldn't let me go through this alone and thank God because the only place I feel safe is here with you.
You're loyal, you're dependable, you run pretty well considering all the miles on you.
You're the Chevy of men.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [WOMAN.]
It's true.
Aren't you supposed to be saying something nice? [GUESTS LAUGH.]
I never thought I'd find love this late.
Which begs the question, "Where the heck have you been all my life?" [GUESTS EXCLAIMS AND LAUGH.]
You can't follow that, Beau! You shoulda gone first.
Joanne, you're my best friend, the love of my life.
Never mind! He's coming out hot! [LAUGHTER.]
I know I'm not an easy man to live with.
Well, you can stop right there.
[SNIGGERS.]
I also know, that my family presents its own set of challenges.
Despite all that, you're still here.
I know I don't deserve you, but I'm gonna make you a promise.
I'm gonna try to be a better man every day - [PEYTON WHINES.]
- But if we live to be a thousand, I'm never gonna be as good a person as you are.
[LUKE.]
Damn! If she won't marry you, I'll hook my car to that 'stache.
I love you, Joanne.
I love you, too Um Beau.
That's it.
Beau, do you take Joanne to be your wife? I do.
Joanne, do you take Beau to be your husband? Well, if it's a mistake, I'll forget about it pretty soon.
So I do.
[GUESTS LAUGH.]
She jokes to make us all feel comfortable.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
[GUESTS CHEER.]
Get in! Woo! Woo! Woo! [HEATHER.]
That was so nice.
I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the bride wasn't pregnant.
- Welcome to the family, Joanne.
- [JOANNE.]
Aw.
Thank you, Colt.
- I guess you're my step-shithead now.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I suppose.
Daddy! - Let's get it over with.
- [LAUGHS.]
[LUKE.]
Oh, man! - I love - Are you fuckin' kidding me? Congratulations, Uncle Beau.
Thank you.
I'm glad I got to spend the day with you.
[COLT.]
For someone who never hugs, how are you so good at it? [ABBY.]
You look absolutely beautiful.
- I'm so happy for you both.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And I heard a rumor that KFC is catering.
- Where we at on that? - Oh, yeah.
Coronel Sanders was first on the guest list.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[ABBY.]
Come on.
- Congratulations.
- Well, thank you, Hank.
You look so handsome in your suit.
I just come from my arraignment.
[JOANNE.]
Uh.
You ready to do this? Hell yeah.
Where you guys going? - [PEYTON GURGLES.]
- Err.
Oh, we got some ranching stuff.
Really? Now? Yeah.
We had a cow got loose this morning, a gate left open.
We looked for it all day.
We don't want it to go into the night.
Yeah.
Tragically, it's the one that's most scared of the dark.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
We'll be back in a bit.
I mean, it is your dad's wedding.
Can't it wait? KFC is ready! Ooo, the Coronel! [FOOTBALL ON TV.]
- Where the fuck you been? - Don't worry about it.
Where's the fuckin' pills? Err, we finished 'em.
Oh Fuck! Fuck! What the hell? God! I'm sorry.
What? Did you start recycling? What the fuck's going on with you? Nothing, okay? I just need some pills.
I told you we all out and Eddie ain't gonna give us more, since we still owe him for last fuckin' week.
Well, fuck Eddie! We'll get it from someone else.
That guy under the bridge.
The fuck do I have him in here as? Here he is.
"Guy Under Bridge.
" Hey! Forget the pills.
I can get my hands on something better.
Unless you're afraid of needles.
Err Whatever you can get.
Just go, get it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Go.
Hey.
Hey! Did you get your cow? Yeah.
Well, got her all taken care of.
Where's everyone? They all went to Maggie's to get a drink.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your mom texted Joanne and said all the drinks were on her 'cause now she's married to Beau, she gonna need 'em.
[ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Where's Peyton? She's inside sleepin'.
You missed the cake.
Joanne got the bakery to make a Mount Rushmore cake but with four Reagans.
Oh! Turned out to be a bad idea, though, 'cause Beau wouldn't let anyone cut into it.
- [COLT CHUCKLES.]
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Oh.
The wedding was awesome, wasn't it? Yeah.
Made me think about our wedding.
How I still wanna make this work.
I ain't going to counseling.
[INHALES AND SIGHS.]
W Why? Ain't no point.
Okay.
They're just gonna tell me I shouldna lied.
You know what? I lied to protect you.
I'd do it again.
I don't wanna be protected.
I want a partner.
I want you to always tell me the truth.
I just blew up Neumann's Hill's dam.
- Jesus, Colt! - Sh.
Wanted the truth.
That's where me and Luke went.
Do you know what coulda happened? Huh? I know you're desperate, but this is just fucking stupid! Ain't nobody ever accused me of being smart.
I guess that's just who I am.
Somebody who fights for what they care about.
Sometimes that makes me do stupid, crazy shit.
Like blowin' up a dam.
Or painting "I love you" on a water tower.
Or proposing in a drunk tank.
- You used to love that about me.
- I still love that about you but there is a difference, okay, between being impulsive and doing something dangerous and illegal.
Well if you're gonna accept me, you gotta accept all of me.
Maybe you just never have.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I ain't perfect.
Neither are you.
I ain't trying to change you.
This isn't about trying to change you.
It's about raising our daughter in a safe and stable home.
You don't think I want that? If you told me you wanted to be together right now, I would do it! Even though it's probably a huge mistake, 'cause I'll spend my whole life walkin' on eggshells worried about my next mistake, that'll probably be the one that makes you leave.
I don't want you to live like that.
Okay? That's why, hopefully, if we keep working on it, - we could go back - Hopefully?! - Yes! - Are you kidding me? We were just at a wedding! Where two people swore to each other that they'll stay with each other, no matter what! And you say "hopefully" we can make it work.
Joanne just told my dad she's got Alzheimer's.
And my dad, he didn't waver.
Not for one second.
But we have one fight One two months into our marriage, and we don't even live together? So now you're calling my feelings stupid? Jesus Christ! [ABBY.]
Mm, that's helpful.
I don't think anything's helpful right now.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY.]
That's great to hear from a guy who says he fights for everything he cares about.
Maybe I'm done fightin'.
- [QUIETLY.]
Okay.
- I think we should get a divorce.
You're the only one I can count on To be in my corner You're the only one That hasn't turned to walk away You're my best friend My lover and a true companion I'll be yours Till that final curtain falls I'll be yours Till that final curtain falls