The Simple Life (2003) s04e06 Episode Script

-How many months pregnant are you? -Five months.
NARRA TOR: Since Paris has been learning how to be a good wife and mother lately, she wanted to host a baby shower for her old pal Jen.
I can't wait to have a baby.
I'm scared.
-Just baby-sit for me.
-Yes.
NARRA TOR: But Paris still has a lot to learn.
PARlS: Do you breast-feed? JEN: Yes.
Do your boobs get bigger? How much? It's like right after the baby comes out, they just get engorged.
Then you start to leak.
-And then milk squirts out of them? -Yeah.
All of my shirts had, like, a yellow stain.
NARRA TOR: Across town at a Truth about Diamonds book signing, Nicole demonstrates her natural ability with children.
NlCOLE: Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend? Husband and wife? -(LAUGHlNG) You guys are so pretty.
-GlRL1 : Thank you.
GlRL 1 : How do we, like, be like you? -You have to say -GlRL2: "That's hot"? No, I don't say that.
That's embarrassing.
NlCOLE: How are you, sexy? -Are you going to be a model? -Possibly.
I'm actually taking lessons.
Let me see your best runway walk right down there.
(GlGGLlNG) Bye, gorgeous.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? (ALARM RlNGlNG) NARRA TOR: It's a busy week for Paris and Nicole, but it's about to get busier when each of the girls face taking care of a toddler.
Hi.
We're the Murries.
Hi, I'm Jessica.
I'm the mother of three boys.
Sean, two, Liam, six and my husband, David.
(DAVE LAUGHlNG) (DOORBELL RlNGlNG) (DOOR SQUEAKlNG) -Hi.
-Hi, Paris.
Hi, Nicole.
-I'm Jessica.
-Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Welcome to our family.
-Dave Murrie.
Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-This is my wife, Jessica.
-I'm Jessica.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, Jessica.
Nice to meet you.
-Check it out.
She's got a dog.
-Nice to meet you.
-BOTH: Liam's hiding behind the door.
-Hi, Liam.
JESSlCA: That's Sean.
(GASPlNG) JESSlCA: There he goes.
-DAVE: It's all right, buddy.
-You okay? DAVE: You're in for a treat.
This is a list that me and my husband came up with.
And it just tells you what you need to do throughout the day -to take care of a toddler.
-Okay.
You have to feed him all the time.
You're always feeding him.
You have to change his diaper.
You'll know when you have to change his diaper.
You will.
Usually, give him a bath, because he'll eat, and then he'll rub food, and all kinds of stuff in his hair.
-Sean takes naps twice a day.
-I like that.
Usually I just give him a bottle, and he'll knock out.
-Of what, vodka? -(LAUGHlNG) Usually just milk.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Then his birthday's coming up.
He's turning two.
It's really important to throw a really good birthday party for kids -I know how to throw parties.
-I know, you probably do.
I was hoping you could help me plan something really special.
And then you're going to execute it.
So we're really excited to see what you're going to do.
NARRA TOR: So Nicole will have to host a party that Paris plans.
That should be interesting.
-Bye.
Have a good day.
-Bye.
(BABY CRYlNG) (SlGHlNG) PARlS: What's wrong? Come here.
DAVE: Beware.
Sometimes when you wake him up, he's a little fussy.
NlCOLE: He's like me.
Do you want to get up? He's not into it.
-Sean, come here.
-DAVE: Just grab him.
DAVE: Hey, look, he likes you.
(DAVE LAUGHlNG) It's okay.
Don't cry.
Do you have headache medicine? NARRA TOR: That scream means Sean's hungry, so David decides that Paris and Nicole can use a little help from some friends.
DAVE: I have a little something for you.
PARlS: What is that? It's a training bra.
To train you how to breast-feed.
(EXCLAlMS) Before we had kids, we thought it would be a good idea if we would give it a shot first.
DAVE: So here you go.
PARlS: Those are about the size of my breasts.
DAVE: I'll help you strap it.
-I'm going to change you from a size C to -Z.
PARlS: This is so gross.
Oh, my God, it's, like, squirting all over me.
DAVE: Well, that's the feed.
Look, Sean's coming up to you.
He knows what's up.
-Here you go.
-PARlS: Suck on my You're a lucky man.
This is disgusting.
I am never breast-feeding.
Do you love it? (LAUGHlNG) I have to go work on my bike.
You take care of him for me? -Does he always cry? -Yes.
He's hungry.
Here the plane comes PARlS: See? You like it.
So if he cries, I put it in his mouth.
So normally about this time, Jessica will take him for a walk.
Like this, or he has a stroller? There should be a stroller out there somewhere.
NlCOLE: This stroller's retarded.
What's up, bitch? Were you bending over to get my attention? 'Cause it worked.
-This is my baby.
-What's his name? Sean Or Liam.
I mean Sean.
-Hi.
-Do you think he looks like me? -Yeah.
He has your cheeks -Would you consider me a MlLF? I think so.
I'm Jerry.
No ring on the finger.
Interesting.
It's my right hand.
I'm always looking to have an affair if you're interested.
NARRA TOR: While Nicole makes friends with the neighbors, Paris carries on with the dirty work of motherhood.
-Does he poop a lot? -Y eah.
(PARlS EXCLAlMS) PARlS: Please, no poop.
PARlS: Oh, nothing.
-Throw that in there.
-Okay.
Nap time? Excuse me, can you watch him for one second? Thanks.
How you doing? (CHUCKLlNG) Can I have a latte and sparkling water, please? -ls that everything? -Yes.
What's she doing? She's doing a crossword puzzle.
Let's go find your mom.
Come on, buddy.
-Excuse me.
I'm Jess.
-Hi.
I'm Nicole.
Nice to meet you.
-I got to go.
-Oh, okay.
-So, you might want to be careful -No.
I know.
-who you leave your kid with.
-No, I'm really sorry.
You looked like you were having so much fun.
-Oh, yeah.
-So I just decided to sit here.
Thank you so much.
(SNORlNG) (CRYlNG) DAVE: How's it going, buddy? You digging new mommy? -What's up, Paris? -What up? I think it's bath time.
When you give him a bath, he's so small you have to take a bath with him.
-With him? -With him.
Yeah.
That's how we do it.
'Cause, if not, he'll drown.
-I have to take a bath with him? -Yeah.
Is he going to pee on me? (DAVE LAUGHlNG) -I'm sure he won't.
-Can you tell him not to? -Sean, don't pee in the bath.
-Does he know what that means? -No.
-No.
-Hi.
-Hi.
You ready for a bath? All right.
Do not pee on me.
Fauxhawk.
You look hot.
Uh-oh.
What? What "uh-oh"? (EXCLAlMS) What is that? You crapped in the bath? (PARlS EXCLAlMS) First time I take a bath with a baby, and it poops on me.
Uh-oh.
NARRA TOR: Fed, changed and cleaned, Sean is ready for a nap.
All right, Sean, I'm going to read you a story.
The Truth About Diamonds.
Wait.
It's nap time.
Time to lay down.
I dedicated it to you.
"Once upon a time, there was a girl named Nicole.
"She found love with a boy named Sean.
"Sean wanted to marry Nicole, but she only agreed to do it "if he took a damn nap.
"He slept for five hours, and they lived happily ever after.
" Good night.
(BABY NOlSES) DAVE: I guess you got a lot of planning to do for the party.
What are your ideas? Throw me some feedback.
I think we should go with a princess theme.
Princess theme? -Yes.
-They're boys.
You'll see what I mean.
Believe me, I know what I'm doing.
NARRA TOR: Sean Murrie turns two tomorrow, and Paris and Nicole have to work together to throw him a birthday party.
Nicole will host the party, but first it's up to Paris to do the planning.
She 's decided to throw Sean a princess party.
That's right.
A princess party.
(WHlNlNG) PARlS: So I called some entertainers for the party, and I'm going to audition them.
And they're gonna come to the house soon.
Okay.
Sounds good.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) Let the auditions begin.
Hello.
-You ready to see some magic? -Yeah.
Great.
What about cutting you in half? -Cutting me in half? -Yes.
-Okay.
-What if he screws up? Just step right in there, okay? We have to slice you first.
You ready? -One, two, three.
See if it worked.
-Oh, no.
-My God.
Look at it.
-Wow.
-PARlS: You're hired.
-You're a perfect magician's assistant.
Thank you.
PARlS: Wow.
(LAUGHlNG) DAVE: Whoa! PARlS: Bubbles are cool.
You're hired.
(EXCLAlMS) Here's your hat.
I want you to wear something that will make Sean comfortable.
-What do you think I should wear? -PARlS: That looks hot.
-You like it? -PARlS: You're hired.
I'm Dottie the Dragon.
I heard you guys are having a party.
DOTTlE: Give me kisses.
You're hired.
Who are you? DAVE: I get it.
We get to paint the mime.
NARRA TOR: While Paris keeps party planning, Nicole gets to know her newest husband.
-Are you a rocker? -Yeah.
I rock, I build bikes.
-What kind of bikes? -Harley-Davidson.
-Oh, really? -There's one right out front.
-Want to have a look? -Okay.
Yeah.
-You want to go for a ride? -Sure.
-We got to get the helmets.
-Helmets? -Yeah.
-It's gonna ruin my hair.
I know.
Totally.
I'm sorry.
I want my hair to blow in the wind like Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease.
-How do you tighten this up? -Want me to help you out with that? -I got it.
-Okay.
-This is lame.
-I know.
-I look like a penis.
-Yeah.
-You're supposed to say, "No, you don't.
" -No, no.
I look like a penis, too.
-NlCOLE: I'm scared.
-Okay, hold on tight if you're scared.
Oh, my God.
(VlDEO GAME SOUNDS) NARRA TOR: While Nicole opts for a joyride over watching the kids, Paris decides she can 't have a princess party without some princes.
If you were a real prince, you'd be able to make up a poem about my beauty on the spot.
Now go.
Your beauty is beyond speak I cannot expand as much as I can seek -Nice.
-I tried.
On my knees I go to evoke your love Flying away in the sunset like two beautiful doves That was hot.
You're tall and beautiful Hot and curvaceous A lady like you should have nice (YAWNlNG) Someone gracious (LAUGHlNG) I mean, how many times in life do you get Nicole Richie on the back of your bike? Come play with me, Nicole! Nicole? Do you take your kids on this bike? That was fun.
Thanks, bitch.
Dean, thank you so much for coming today.
-Anytime.
-It's supposed to be a princess party.
So what do you see out of our fabrics that you like? -I like the pink.
-This one? The pink camel and the normal pink.
-The pinks.
-These? So I just want it to be pink, glitter, diamonds Fabulous.
Can you build, like, a castle or something? -I can.
How about a moat? -A moat would be great.
We could dig a moat around the house.
I'll be here tomorrow.
-Bye, honey.
-Bye.
Good night, honey.
We're going to have a really fun princess party tomorrow.
Sleep well.
(CRYlNG) -Hey, everybody.
-Hey, Jess.
-Hi.
-How'd it go, Paris? It was fun.
I had a good time with the kids.
A lot of work, though.
I realize that now.
Especially if you don't have a nanny.
-Did you plan his birthday party? -Yes, it's going to be a princess theme.
-A princess theme? -I got clowns, magicians, everything's ready.
So now, Nicole just has to make sure everything runs smoothly.
-Bye, Paris.
-Bye, Paris.
NARRA TOR: The Murries 'plan was for Paris to set up Sean 's party and Nicole to host it.
But they forgot that these days, these girls don 't agree on much of anything.
-Hey, Nicole.
-Hi.
I'm here to set up for the party that Paris planned.
-Oh, okay.
-So what's all the pink? It's a princess party.
It's all pink.
-Okay.
-It's going to be a beautiful pink fantasy.
-Hold on one second.
-Hi.
We're here for the party.
-Come in.
-Hello.
Hi.
-I'm Dizzy.
-Hi, Dizzy.
Whoa, you got a strong handshake.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-I'm here for the party.
-Okay.
So One second.
-Hi.
-Party animals are here.
Come on.
(LAUGHlNG) Hi.
Why aren't you speaking? Okay, this is a princess theme? It's a princess theme, all pink.
You're going to love it.
All right.
Well, I wasn't here when all this was planned, but this is for a two-year-old boy, and he's, kind of, like, rock and roll.
He's not very princess-y.
So I'm sorry, but you guys have to leave.
The animals can stay.
Well, thank you, guys, for coming.
-DOTTlE: Oh, thank you.
-You have dragon breath.
(LAUGHlNG) NARRA TOR: With Paris gone, Nicole takes charge and decides to give the party some edge.
-Hi.
-Hi, girls.
-We're the shot girls.
-Oh, sexy.
I'm Nicole.
Here are the shot glasses.
Here's the milk.
That's what we're going to be taking shots of.
So one of you guys dance right here, and one of you guys dance right there.
-Are you guys ready? -MUSlClAN: Yes.
Show me what you got.
NARRA TOR: Nicole still has work to do, and across town, Paris' day isn't done either.
She and her sister Nicky are modeling in a 2BFree fashion show.
-You have all your outfits here, right? -Yeah.
-Everyone has them in order? -What kind of walk do you want? Whatever.
Do whatever you want.
-My -Strong, sexy attitude.
We look like McDonald's, like, red and yellow.
-NlCKY: French fries and ketchup.
-Ketchup and mustard.
You guys are good? Everyone know what to do? NlCKY: When is the freaking show starting? People get mad.
It's, like, midnight.
MAN: Look here, guys.
10:40.
-Over here.
Over here.
-One more.
Over here.
MAN: Can you walk right over here? What is that that you're wearing? NlCOLE: Now I just want to clear up a few rumors.
You're right now dating Dakota Fanning? True or false? PHOTOGRAPHER 1 : Smile.
Over here.
One more.
PHOTOGRAPHER 2: Over here.
Now you walking onto the red carpet with a younger man.
That's very Demi and Ashton.
Are you okay with that, or do you like to keep your privacy? NlCOLE: I completely understand.
-R.
J.
, what are you wearing? -Armommy.
Armommy.
(ROCK MUSlC PLA YlNG) -Take a shot.
-Here you go.
NlCOLE: Oh, good job.
ALL: Yeah.
Do you think the dancers are sexy? (CHEERlNG) Oh, my God.
I'm never letting that kid out of the house.
(CHEERlNG) Okay, I need everyone out of here that's not supposed to be here.
We need all the models to get lined up.
-What will look better, this? -WOMAN: Make-up? Let's go.
Like that or that? (CHATTERlNG) -That's the best? -Go, go.
(WHlSTLlNG) (CHEERlNG) -Over here.
One more.
-PHOTOGRAPHER: Over here.
-Hi.
How are you doing? -Sean, how are you? -LlAM: He can't even talk.
-Are you excited? -Are you ready to rock out? -Yeah.
It's probably fair to say that this is the biggest party yet in his lifetime.
DAVE: Oh, yeah, I think it'll be one of the biggest.
NlCOLE: Sean's here.
Are you guys ready? Take it away! (CHEERlNG) (ROCK MUSlC PLA YlNG) (SlNGlNG) Ahem! What's up, bitches? So I just want to make a very special toast to Sean.
You look amazing.
May you have the best day ever.
Happybirthday! (CHEERlNG) -Hi, Mom.
-Hey, Nicole.
JESSlCA: How'd you do? I threw Sean a birthday party.
Do you love it? -JESSlCA: Look at these girls.
-I know.
They're go-go dancers.
JESSlCA: I don't know about this.
I wasn't sure if he had a bottle in his pocket, or if he was just happy to see the girls.
NARRA TOR: Nicole's untraditional birthday party for two-year-old Sean Murrie turns out to be a hit for toddlers and parents alike.
Make a birthday wish, and blow out the candles.
(CHEERlNG) NlCOLE: Thank you for coming.
Here you go.
You're welcome.
NlCOLE: Thank you, guys.
Bye.
Wasted.
NARRA TOR: The birthday party may be ending, but Sean's all about the after party.
And Nicole's ready to go home.
Let's go.
Both Paris and Nicole, in my opinion, were pretty decent.
I think they both rock, because my kids are still alive.
But, I could tell that Sean definitely liked Nicole better.
Good night, Sean.
(CRYlNG) DAVE: So, are you out of here? -I'm out of here.
-Okay.
Thanks for everything.
If I ever pick between Paris and Nicole to raise a toddler, I would probably lean towards Paris.
Nicole, she's out there a little bit more.
-Bye, you guys.
-Bye.
-Bye, Nicole.
-Nice meeting you.
-DAVE: Nice meeting you, too.
-You, too.
Let's go check up on Sean.
DAVE: Hey, Sean.
JESSlCA: Who's that? -DAVE: Whose kid is this? -Mommy (DAVE EXCLAlMS) Come here, buddy.
Somebody mistaked you for Sean.
DAVE: We better go find Sean.
Oh, my good Lord.
NARRA TOR: Upon learning that her princes were fired, Paris decides to put them to good use.
First things first, the shirts have to go.
Hot.
WOMAN: We can order them around? PARlS: Yeah.
You're so hot.
I could get used to this.
NARRA TOR: Next time on The Simple Life, the girls help a single father plan a family vacation.
Yosemite's about a nine-hour trip.
Do you have anything that's minutes? Where's the Playboy Mansion? -We're going to go camping.
-I have a better idea.
We wanted to get a room that's best for camping.
WOMAN: Watch out! NlCOLE: Sorry.
I'm not the best driver.