Trollied (2011) s04e06 Episode Script

Serves you right! I prepared something.
I'm not saying that.
Can she just stop that now? Huh! Aw, he keeps on moving it.
Huh! From booze to biscuits Red-hot deals? Loads of two for ones.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
Everyone gets it wrong.
It's that way.
Tick.
Tick.
And I'm not doing that tick thing either! Am I getting paid for this? Serves you right! Valco - serves you right! Please, we've not got much time.
This is really important.
I know this is important, Daniel.
Daddy says if I screw up one more time, he'll make me poor.
There's nothing wrong with being poor.
Yeah - me? Poor? Having to manage with just one house? A couple of cars.
One single horse.
Yeah, that's still rich.
Oh, my God, this is terrible.
Right, test me.
Right.
The store is divided into 12? Disciples! Aisles! That was close, though.
Aisles.
What are you doing? It's cheat notes.
"Disciples".
No, no, no.
Don't write "disciples".
How are we doing? Brilliantly - look! How bad is it? In 20 minutes, the owner of Valco is coming in to see if we've shown his daughter how all aspects of a supermarket work.
Listen, if we can just get her to look like she knows the basics, then maybe he won't fire us.
Oh, my God, guys! My fleece's has a badge with my name on it.
We're screwed.
The head of Valco.
Here.
Where? No, I mean he's coming in today.
Finally, my big chance to impress.
Oh, do you know what I find impressive? Impressions.
Me and my Alan saw a great one once at Pontins.
He did Bruce Forsyth.
Alan were in tears! No.
No.
You see, I've seen the future, Margaret.
I know exactly what supermarkets will look like and how we can be ahead of the curve.
"Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
" I laugh just thinking about him.
It was the same at Boots.
They all said I was mad.
Have you told Gavin that you can see into the future? What, Gavin? No.
I've tried, but it's too much for his little brain.
I need to go straight to the head honcho with this, someone with a bit of vision.
Sorry, I'm thinking about Brucie again.
"Good games! Good games!" Gavin.
Oh! Oh.
Mr O'Connor, I-I-I didn't see you there Enough talking.
Where's my little girl, huh? I mean, I wouldn't lie to you, Gavin.
I would never lie to you.
That's good to know That was a lie! I would lie to you.
You should have spotted the lie! Right.
Let's cut to the chase.
I trusted you to turn my daughter from a walking disaster into someone who can cut it in this world.
This is her last chance saloon, Gavin.
If she screws it up, she's dead to me.
Isn't that a bit extreme? No more of Daddy's money.
She's out of the will.
She's out of the family photos.
Gone.
Just like her brother.
I didn't know Charlotte had a brother.
Exactly.
So if you've messed this up, she's out.
I'd hate to think what you'd do to me.
This till's open.
I think you'd prefer this till, sir.
That one's a bit, erm Hygiene problems.
I wouldn't go to her till, mate, she's a .
.
cow Well, I'd rather be a cow than a whore.
Well, for your information, I'm both.
So there.
What? Oh, no.
Hang on.
I-I meant Shut up.
Why don't you shut me up? If it's another fight you want, I'M RIGHT HERE! I told you to wait two minutes before coming in, not walk straight behind me.
Sorry, I couldn't help it - I was admiring the lovely view.
Don't try it, Nev.
Not here.
Morning.
Hiya! How you doing? Good night last night? What you up to? No, you're late.
What? Morning.
Why have you brought me here, Collyflower? Let me just show you this a sec.
Just just up here, it is.
Oh, right.
What's she doing in here? Are you sure there's a KFC in here? I can't find it anywhere.
This is for your own good, girls.
Wha? Colin! COLIN! Collyflower? OPEN UP! Why do we keep fresh produce at the front of the store? Rabbits.
Rabbits? Yes.
When the rabbits come in to the shop, they see the carrots, take them, and then they don't go eating other stuff from the rest of the shop.
Ha! Y-yes! I'd never thought of it like that before.
And, of course, there's that other thing, er that you were saying to me earlier, remember? About how it's so the customer associates our store with freshness the minute they arrive.
Yeah, that too.
But mainly rabbits.
Give me strength.
And I can't find that sodding KFC anywhere.
I'm starving.
Can I have a crisp? No.
I hope there's enough air in here.
Oh! Disgusting! I can't help it.
Me stomach thought it was getting chicken.
It's been tricked.
It's angry.
OH! Mr O'Connor, I've seen the future and I can save your supermarket! Oh, for goodness' sake, Brian, we've discussed this before, you cannot see into the fut GAVIN! I've got this.
Now, let me get this straight.
You think that you can stop me - Brendan O'Connor - and tell me what to do with my own company? Yes.
I know what tomorrow's supermarket will be and, if you'll give me a minute of your time, I can make sure that Valco stay ahead of the curve.
You've got some balls, do you know that? Big, brass balls.
I am so sorry abo HUGE balls - balls that you only read about in books.
Books about big balls.
And I LOVE that! You tell it like it is.
And I respect that.
Please, I'm just an ordinary guy, with an amazing gift.
A gift to see into the future itself.
Well, let me tell you something, kid.
This afternoon, I'm going to give you two minutes to give me your pitch.
Wow me.
Thank you, Mr O'Connor, sir.
Right, come on, ladies.
Goodbye, Your Grace.
No need to curtsy, Margaret.
Boo! Ooh! Alone at last.
Oh not at work, Neville! Just a little kiss? C'mon.
I've really missed you.
No.
Neville, this isn't a relationship or anything, it's just a bit of fun.
That's what Vanessa said at first.
And I dunno how, but somehow, you've worn me down enough to sleep with you.
Again, just what Vanessa said.
And I'm in a low place right now.
Snap - her father had literally just died.
What I'm trying to say is it's just a bit of fun outside work.
But not here, OK? OK.
Right.
Typical of my luck.
I manage to snare a beautiful woman - a ten out of ten - and I have to keep it a secret.
Go on, then.
Brilliant.
Cha cheee! See? You are ticklish, Linda.
Hello, Brian, I didn't see you there.
Was just seeing if Linda here is ticklish.
That's exactly what he's doing.
Whatever.
Are you ticklish, Brian? Arrgghh! What are you doing? You are ticklish, aren't you? Stop.
Stop it! Stop! No! I've got a pres I can't take this! And I said to him, I said - listen till I tell ya - "You speak to me like that again, Branson, "and I will pull that little beard off your face "and shove it up your arse.
" Baby.
Suppose you had to be there O'Connor.
What? Wait a second, would ya? Gavin, feed me.
Doesn't Sorry? Just feed me, will you? Listen, you tell Bannatyne if he thinks he can pull out at this stage, he has another think coming.
Burger.
Burger.
Not the whole thing! Break it into pieces.
Listen, you tell Bannatyne if he wants to pull out, that's fine, but tell him I know his address and I know where his kids go to school, too.
I just hope I can keep this up through the afternoon.
Otherwise, I'll be poor.
I'm sure you'd manage.
Oh, no.
I don't know.
I saw this documentary about this kid who was so poor, he couldn't afford to eat.
And every time he asked for more gruel, they wouldn't give him any.
So he had to pick a pocket.
Sometimes two.
Yeah, I-I think that's Oliver.
Yeah.
That was him.
Did you see it too? All right.
Thanks a lot, Liz.
Um should I stop? No.
I'm enjoying this, actually.
Carry on.
Burger.
Would you mind if I join you gorgeous ladies? If you want.
Oh, I do, Sue.
Oh, I do.
What star sign are you, Neville? Er, Cancer.
"With Jupiter rising, love is in the air.
" Doesn't sound right.
Oh, I don't know, sounds fairly accurate to me.
What about Linda? What does her star sign say? Taurus.
"It might feel like you're at rock bottom "but at least the only way is up.
"The letter N is on the horizon.
" Hm! It's a load of rubbish anyway.
I'm not so sure.
Like the stars say, love is in the air.
Oh, he were ever so fat, but he sounded just like him.
"What do points make? Surprises.
" Margaret The supermarket of the future.
What do you think? It's just a pharmacy.
Exactly.
Hey, do you know what it reminds me of? This counter.
Well, yeah.
It's a model of this counter.
Oh.
Well, where's my banana? Well, it's the supermarket of the future.
You'll have eaten your banana in the future.
Oh.
Well, that's spoilt me surprise.
I hadn't made my mind up, now I know I'm going to eat it.
Well, that was a lovely lunch with two lovely ladies.
And I shall be seeing you both very soon.
Grrrr! Oh, my God - Neville fancies me.
What? He was playing footsie with me all lunch, then all that walking me back, putting his arm around me.
Urgh! Neville.
Is it so bad if he does? He's nice.
Can you imagine how desperate you'd have to be to go out with him? Linda? Linda? Can you imagine? Yes, I can imagine, thank you.
And, er, this is the kiosk.
There's a lot of age-restricted stuff here.
Question.
Someone comes to you and they want to buy a bottle of vodka.
They look under 18.
What do you do? Well, I would tell them to .
.
pace themselves.
Because I remember when I was 17, I drank a whole bottle of vodka at Georgie Thomas's brother's nightclub opening.
Oh, my God, Daddy, I was sick everywhere.
Sorry - er, Charlotte.
Has your phone just beeped? Oh, yeah.
It has.
How weird.
Oh, it's a wrong number.
But, er, on an unrelated note, erm Valco has a strict Think 25 policy, so I would have to ask them for valid ID as proof of age.
Very good.
Right, I need a slash.
Where? O'Connor.
What? Hang on a second Gavin? I'm gonna need your help again.
Come.
Typical crap plan of his.
That's the problem with Colin - the only brain he's got is hanging between his legs.
Well, that's nothing new.
He's always thought with his winky.
Even when he was a toddler, he'd be watching Playschool, looking at Jemima and rubbing himself against the sofa.
He still does that when Hollyoaks is on.
No! Yeah! Fancy a crisp? Yeah.
You know, you're actually a lot like me, aren't you? Am I? You say what's on your mind.
I like that.
Yeah, well, you're not so bad yourself.
Why don't we team up and teach him a thing or two, eh? Oh, nice one, Rose! Call me Nan.
Oh - cheers, Nan.
Oi! Don't finish them! All right! Has he gone? Yeah.
Found a Toffee Crisp down there.
Do you want half? Ooh, yeah, go on, then.
Don't leave it there, you fruit basket! He's coming.
He's coming.
All right, kid, you've got two minutes.
The supermarket of the future.
Now, if science has taught us anything, it's that food will soon be a thing of the past.
Food, as we know it, won't exist.
Everything that we eat will soon be in pill form.
And not just food - sun cream, shampoo, magazines, they'll all be in pills.
Ergo, tomorrow's supermarket will be just a giant pharmacy.
Ta-da! Is, er That it? No.
No! No.
Uh, no - let let me show you how it'll work.
You see, a customer comes in, up to the pharmacist, and says, er"Good morning.
"I would a like roast dinner and some batteries "and a loaf of bread.
" "Oh, certainly, madam.
Here's three pills" Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh Is this meant to be a joke? No.
No? Because if it's serious, someone's going to get fired.
Or destroyed.
Of course, it's a joke.
It's a banana.
Just a big laugh.
I love it! I love it! The balls on you! A banana! Oh! Right, now I know you're probably angry, but I did this so you'd make up, so please, please don't kill me.
Don't be so silly, Colin - we had a great time in there.
Really? Yeah, we're bezzy mates now.
Oh, I'm stuffed, though.
I couldn't even finish that chicken.
There isn't any chicken in there.
Yeah.
On top of that delivery of dirty mags and Sambuca.
What? Yeah.
I can't see any, Lisa.
Are you sure it's in here? This is for your own good, Colin.
Lisa! Lisa! I can't find the magazines, mate! All right, loves.
Is this the van for Middlesbrough? Oh Yes.
Oh.
Mr O'Connor.
Now, before I want to talk to you about what I saw out there today.
Now, I gave you my only daughter Don't ever interrupt me, Gavin! Ever! I trusted you to make something of my little girl And you did! What a massive improvement.
You did see her out there today, didn't you? Half a million euro I have spent sending her to the best schools in Europe and she learned nothing.
Two months with you and she's like a machine.
Well, we did work on a very rigorous training regime.
I mean, she knows how the whole supermarket works.
That's not like the old Charlie.
No.
She couldn't go two minutes without setting something on fire.
Bit of a problem.
Not a good time.
I don't know what you did, but a huge congratulations to you and your team.
And let me tell you this, Gavin, there is going to be a reasonably big bonus on its way to you this Christmas.
Oh, I'm so glad! I suppose you can call off the hit men now.
What a good point, eh? Call off the hit men.
Anderson? Yeah, stand down.
It's over.
Huh? No, no.
Repeat.
Stand down.
Beautiful girls Right, this can't go on.
Beautiful girls It's not going to happen, Neville.
I'm a married woman.
I'm flattered, but it wouldn't work.
Sorry.
What was that about? You, you idiot.
Playing footsie with her at lunch.
Thought it was you! This is why I said it can't happen at work.
If Sue had put two and two together and came up with four, everyone would know by now.
I'm just No, Neville.
Not at work.
No hugging.
No coming over to see me.
No footsie.
Understood? OK, fine.
From now on, I shall be the soul of discretion.
It'll be our sexy secret.
No-one here need ever know that you and I, Linda .
.
are regularly making love, naked If you've quite finished with your pornographic announcement, Neville.
My what? Broadcasting your sexual exploits to the whole store is a very serious offence.
Oh, my God.
Ah.
The balls on this one! Where do you find them, Gavin? Linda Don't! Right, well, that's me done, Gav.
You run a good ship here.
I'm impressed.
Right.
Er is that a lie? Nope.
But that was.
This one isn't, though.
Bye.
Great balls, son.
We did it! No, you did it.
You saved my job, Charlie.
Yay! And I get to keep my horses! Oh, you're amazing.
I mean, you you did amazing.
Erm and you yeah.
Y-you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, obviously.
Awkward silence.
Mm.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't supposed to say that bit outside of my head.
Daddy was really impressed.
He should be impressed.
I reckon if you stick at it and keep putting the effort in, who knows? One day, you could be doing my job.
Maybe Gavin's.
No, he was really impressed.
He wants me to take over and run the company.
What? I know it's awesome, isn't it? Fizzy worm? In charge? You? Running the whole company? All of Valco? All of it? Yes.
Is it so hard to believe I can run a huge retail chain? Was he laughing a lot when he said it? No.
Ha-ha-ha! You all right, Brian? Yes, Marge.
I just can't believe I blew my big chance.
Well, I think you were wonderful.
Do you? Yeah.
So what happens next? Eh? Well, the puppet show.
Y'know, it was so exciting, I can't wait to see what happens.
Well, I can show you? Yeah! Yeah.
Now er where were we? Oh, yes.
"There you go, madam.
" "Oh, I need two pills of petrol, please.
" "Certainly, Mrs Banana.
I'll just have to go in the back.
"Will there be anything else?" Bananas.
Two bananas.
Well, that would be cannibalism.
Oh.
I couldn't believe it.
I know! I can't believe he did that! Well, you have to try, don't you? I know.
You're getting a promotion.
You're getting a promotion.
You I'll talk about.
You're getting a promotion! We're all getting promotion