Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s04e06 Episode Script
Kimmy Meets an Old Friend!
1 - [BELL RINGS.]
- Man, I am killing it on this pedo-meter! Guess I'm a real pedophile.
Hey, kids.
- Where's Mr.
A? - Oh, he didn't show up.
Really? I'm supposed to meet him for Sloppy Scrod Day in the cafeteria.
He'd never miss that.
Does this backpack look babyish? [GRUNTS.]
My backpack! - [MAN GRUNTS.]
- Help me find it! It's a purple Jansport! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Where'd you get that? At, like a regular backpack store.
I don't get my stuff from the lost and found at the club where my mom dances.
I mean is manager.
[GASPS.]
Wanna trade backpacks? And stop getting called "Purple Flower Kimmy Backpack Quentin"? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am so sorry I left you in that alley, Jan S.
Port.
I'm just so glad you're back pack! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I did.
[LAUGHS.]
Lillian, Titus, guess what I found.
- Pass.
- If this is another baby squirrel that turns out to be an adult rat, double pass.
Are you okay? Why aren't you at work? Because I'm pitching The Capist to YouTube Brown tomorrow, - and I've got nothing.
- [KIMMY.]
Nothing? You've been working for weeks.
I'm not meant to be the one giving birth to ideas.
I'm the glamorous baby.
You know what? I'm gonna help you.
Oh, isn't that a shocker? Kimmy's gonna help someone.
Don't listen to him! I need help.
[LILLIAN.]
Will you two pipe down? I'm waiting for the Trivago guy to come on.
You can just tell he smokes.
[TITUS.]
Mm.
He looks like he's married, but he'll do it with anyone to hurt her.
The family of Big Naturals founder, Artie Goodman, is reaching out to anyone with information about his whereabouts.
My father has a heart condition and a prostate the size of a procountry his words.
He also wears transition lenses, so he could be either of these men.
Lillian.
Did you forget to tell this man's family he's dead? So? You still haven't told Kimmy about 9/11.
Twelve, 13, 14, 15! That's how you count to 15 By skipping ten and starting with nine [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it Get someone from the Kotex corporation on the line.
I wanna pitch Johnny Mustache for their new male dryness pads, Poise for Boys.
You got it, JW! Move my general meeting with Melanie Bizne$$ to a closer laundromat, please.
I need to be in Midtown before today's taping of Late Night.
I really want two shots at throwing Titus' demo into the basket of Seth Meyers' Citi Bike.
Weigh in, weigh out! [MIMI.]
You got it, boss.
Xan? [MIMI GASPS.]
I can't stop her! She's too cool! Jacqueline, I need to talk to you.
If Buckley is stealing your father's silverware, - it's not to pay for my shoes.
- No.
I'm pregnant.
It's not mine.
I've had a vasectomy.
I'm sorry.
That's the only way I've ever heard that conversation go.
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
Yes, thank you.
[LILLIAN.]
Hi.
I'm Lillian.
We spoke on the phone.
Well it's nice to see that my father was dating someone age-appropriate.
Before you, he was seeing Carol Channing.
So, uh closure? We knew he didn't have long.
At least now we know what happened to him.
Unlike with Kennedy.
We'll never know why MTV replaced her as a VJ.
Anyways, as a peace offering, I kept some of Artie for myself and I want you to have it.
Oh.
My father's in a dime bag.
Yeah, 'cause it's only a gram.
If it had been an eight ball, I would've gone classic six-inch twisty bag.
Oh, don't act so innocent.
I know a coke necklace when I see one.
"Coke necklace"? No, this is the mezuzah from my grandparents' home in Poland.
They lived above the original B&H Photo Video in Krakow.
Ethan.
[SIGHS.]
I got your text when I landed.
Oh! - - Guess we won't be needing these.
And, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, uh, hi.
I'm Lillian Kaushtupper.
I was your father's expert lover, so you can rest easy in that department.
He was well taken care of.
I am sure this is all a lot for you, Sheba, so I will call and see if we can get the temple tomorrow.
No, I already called, and it's all set.
I also ordered flowers, and I booked a caterer, and I ordered mirror covers from shmatta.
com.
Oh! - That's great.
- Mm.
Thanks.
So there's a service? Where? [SHEBA.]
Right.
Of course.
The service is at Temple Tzeed-pah V'Chazeer.
"Temple Shellfish and Ham"? It's very reform.
The rabbi has to be a lesbian.
Here are the details.
I know my father would have wanted you there.
You were clearly very special to him.
Well, the last time we made love, he finally called out my name instead of your mother's.
[KIMMY.]
It can't be that bad.
- Let's hear what you got so far.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[IMITATES DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na Baaaaan Na-na-na-na-na-na-na The Capist! By Titus Andromedon.
Wolf Dick Productions.
That's all I've got.
That's it? Well, you're in luck.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Say hello to my old friend Jan, your passport to imagination! Please tell me you're not about to talk about the bu [KIMMY.]
As long as we were with Jan, we could go anywhere: Mount Everest, the pyramids of Egypt, even TV's Star Search! We lost to Norm Macdonald.
So just put her on and imag-Jan the possibilities! Let's go on an adventure, Kimmy! [RELUCTANT MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm not about to wear something that makes me look like a turtle.
What if a rabbit challenges me to a race? Well, if you're not gonna try, Jan and I are making you go on an adventure.
[GASPS.]
We're going outside! [HUMMING.]
Xanthippe, if you're looking for advice, I know you have a family doctor.
Oh, my God, no, I can't go to Dr.
Joyce.
She's my pediatrician.
She's known me since I was an Elmo on the height chart.
I'm a Grover now! And I can't tell my actual mom, 'cause she'll, like, freak out about who the father is.
May I ask who your sex partner was? Ew.
So respectful.
It's this kid, Cap Tylenol.
Capsule Tylenol, the heir to the Tylenol fortune? [GASPS.]
Oh, no.
You can't tell your mother.
Right? She'll be like, "Oh, Xanny, it's a dream! You'll wear grandmother's wedding skis and I'll order food for eight for 100 people!" So I just thought, like, of all the maternal figures in my life, that you wouldn't flip out and you would know what to do.
Yes, sure.
Well, first thing you need to do is go see a real doctor.
My doctor was voted "Most New York Gynecologist" of 2018.
I can get you in there tomorrow.
Okay? You're gonna be fine.
As a privileged white woman, you have many options.
You could keep the baby and say it's your assistant.
You could terminate the pregnancy on HBO and win a Peabody for it.
And there's a service out of Hyannis Port that will blimp the child to Vermont and raise it as a golden retriever.
Cool cool.
So will Cap be going with you? No.
I mean, it's not like I thought we were in love, but, like Cap was my first real boyfriend.
You know, we only did it, like two and a half times.
And then when I told him, he was like, "Are you sure it's even mine?" And then he told all of his friends that I'm a slut, and then he disinvited me from his lacrosse recital! And [SOBBING.]
he's not even that hot! - Um - [SOBBING LOUDLY.]
so do you want me to go with you or - What? No.
- Oh, great.
No, no.
I just needed this, and And you got it! And my options, and I'm good.
I'm good to go.
GTG.
[MIMI.]
I've got Rod Kotex about Poise for Boys.
He can't hold.
Sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this.
- [TITUS.]
Mm-mm.
- Come on, Titus.
Using your imagination is fun.
Like, try making up something about him.
Girl, that's just a guy.
Or is he a secret agent on a mission from King Chocolate who's here to meet with a spy from the Peanut Butter Forest? And then their briefcases get mixed up Ho-ho, watch out, candy lovers! [KIMMY.]
Watch out is right! Why did you say, like, only parts of that sentence? You know I can't hear your backpack, right? Okay, that's not "just a guy.
" What do you think their story is? I believe that white nonsense is either Judaism or Scrabble.
[MAN.]
Hey, FYI, this is where we usually set up our Quidditch hoop.
Don't wanna catch a Quaffle in your muggle gut, let alone a Bludger.
I don't overstand.
It's Quidditch.
The sport from Harry Potter? The most important book series of my childhood and current-hood? You know, Quidditch? The Golden Snitch? Buzz, buzz! Flap, flap, flap! I'm so sneaky right now! This is a book.
And these guys liked it so much when they were boys that they're still doing this in public.
I'm a seeker for the 'Claw.
If a book can do that, imagine if it has a positive message about how boys should treat girls.
And there's dragons and monsters! And the monsters live inside them and try to trick them! [JAN.]
And it's all on a planet called - [BOTH.]
Greenmulax! - We should be writing this down! Well, get a pen from inside me! [GIGGLING.]
Random House wants me to write a book? Well, I hope they like books 'cause I'm writing one - for them! - [JAN.]
Ah! They're gonna love it! Pass.
Wait, what? Are you judging it by its cover? 'Cause that's just my contact info.
For the actual cover, I was thinking is Lisa Frank still alive? You wrote a young adult fantasy? I was working all night on it with only two Designing Women breaks.
And it's got a real good message for boys.
See, there's a little monster inside you, and most of the time, you're friends, but when it gets mad or hungry or thinks it deserves something that belongs to someone else, it tries to take over your body Kimmy.
No.
See, this - - is what we want from you.
People see you as a Mole Woman, and it's my job to keep you in that box.
No! I've been put in a box.
Yes! Yeah, see, that that is the kind of stuff we need.
This is a business, and nobody's ever gonna buy your children's book.
I'm sorry.
I'm just living in the real world.
Well, I guess I finally found out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.
True story! [LILLIAN.]
Hang on.
It's over? Oh, my God.
Lillian, did I give you the wrong time? Agh! And Richard Kind gave such a beautiful reading of the menu from Sammy's Roumanian.
I don't think so.
Your story's like bras and toothpaste, 'cause I ain't buying it! What was it? The coke necklace? Well, to start with.
I mean, those are just symbols from Led Zeppelin IV.
And your brother seemed awfully suspicious to see you acting like a grown-up.
And, kiddo, I know a rat-trap bruise when I see one.
I wanted that cheese, man.
So, what, you're just the black sheep trying to hold it together for the family, but then I show up And I could tell that you were onto me, so I gave you the wrong time because I don't need that noise.
So it's all about the Tubmans.
That's right.
I updated it! Time's up, Benjamins! My trust fund was completely controlled by my father.
Anytime I wanted cash, I had to go beg Daddy for business ideas or mail-order grooms or racing donkeys! It's the future of sports! But after they read that will tonight Your brother is gonna be in control of your money! And if he thinks "Sheba's so responsible now! She's got a watch! She's clearly showered!" He's gonna give me control.
And I'm gonna open a year-round Halloween store.
[SCOFFS.]
It's 12 times the profits, idiots.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
I'm gonna find Ethan and I'm gonna tell him exactly what you're up to.
And if you think that I'm gonna give up, then you have not seen me try to change a light bulb alone! And I'm Polish.
[CACKLES.]
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Yes! You're a genius, me.
"Then, The Capist turns to Honk Shoe.
" Wait.
"Honk Shoe"? [SNORING.]
Honk Shoe.
Honk [SNORES.]
Shoe Honk Shoe? [GASPS.]
Kimmy, I have nothing! And my meeting is in less than an hour.
I mean, 20 minutes.
Why would I say it that way? Well, I'd give you all of my ideas, but I know for a fact that no one wants them.
Wait.
That's perfect.
I need something so I can get paid, and if they actually wanna buy it, I'd have to write.
That's not happening.
Now that I know it's not sexual, I don't want a back nine.
Well, mi casa es su casa.
- Does that mean "take my book"? - Yes.
Try not to laugh.
I guess it was written by a baby who doesn't understand the world.
[GASPS.]
Kimmy, this is so bad.
But so sincere.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Gross.
Thank you.
[KIMMY.]
Jan Jan, we need to talk.
Yeah.
What should we do know? Pretend to be giraffes? What noise does a giraffe make? Gira-a-a-affe! Giraffes don't make any noise, Jan.
- I learned that in college.
- Oh.
Um [CROAKING QUIETLY.]
gira-a-a gira-a-a Look, in the bunker, I needed to escape reality, but now I'm trying to face reality.
I'm a grown-up now.
Your straps have probably noticed my boobs.
But grown-ups don't just wake up one day and decide they'll write a book that's gonna fix everything.
If I want to change the world, I've gotta start by changing myself.
[BRIGHTLY.]
As long as I'm around, I'll never let that happen! [SIGHS.]
I've already changed, Jan.
A lot.
I buy clothes at the same place as anthropologists.
I have a debit card and a job, where I'm partially vested.
When I'm fully vested, I'll have a vest.
Vests are fun 'cause your sleeves don't get in your pudding.
It's just, if I'm ever gonna really be a grown-up, if I'm ever gonna actually do something, I've gotta get rid of the stuff that's holding me back.
Um "stuff"? Like what? Like my Hello Kitty sheets and my day-of-the-week underwear and bras.
They had to be made special.
You're being silly, Kimmy.
Good thing I'm back pack to stop you from changing anything! Now, come on.
Let's go on an adventure! Yes, Jan.
An adventure.
Some say the greatest adventure of all.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[WHISPERING.]
Why won't that little monster text me? Girl, put your phone away.
Eyes on the smize.
Well, we are very excited to hear this pitch.
I oh.
Oh, uh, don't mind him.
We found that executives are 30% less likely to commit sex crimes when their children are present, so it's company policy.
Thank you for your service.
- #MrFrumpus, right? - [LAUGHING.]
Well, this is The Capist! We open on Greenmulax, a magical land That could easily be shot in Long Island or Atlanta.
[TITUS.]
where every boy is born with a little monster inside him.
A little monster! - A little monster? - [TITUS.]
"Usually, they're very friendly, but every now and then, they try to trick you.
Sometimes, for the little monster, a no means yes.
" [GASPS.]
The little monster said no when it meant yes.
Xan did want me to go to the doctor's with her because she's terrified! When you pay ten percent, they stay for ten percent of the meeting.
[LAUGHING.]
Young, hot not-real-Mommy is here.
God, Jacqueline, knock! Look, I know we're not technically family anymore, but I'm not letting you do this alone.
I always thought your hands would be slimy.
Not since the operation.
Well, you're not pregnant, but I still think we should schedule a C-section.
Oh, hello, Jacqueline.
How's your vagina? Mezzo-mezzo.
But wait, she's not pregnant? Then why'd I stop getting my period? Stress-induced amenorrhea.
It's fairly common among gymnasts, bunker victims, millennial college students, and people on roller skates carrying hot soup.
- Didn't you take a home test? - Yeah, but I was too embarrassed to buy it on campus, so I went to this place in Spanish Harlem, and now that I'm thinking, it might have been less of a pharmacy and more of a Dominican joke shop.
They sold Robinson Canó masks.
Hmm.
[IN SPANISH.]
"Jane the Virgin" brand pregnancy test! Trick your friends! Mystery solved.
Now, can I get anyone IVF triplets or Just the check.
Thank you, Doctor.
Mm.
[JACQUELINE SIGHS.]
Sorry I wasted your time.
I'll, um call you next pregnancy scare, I guess.
Get dressed.
This is over.
I mean, get dressed.
This isn't over.
I'm sorry, I've only ever heard it the other way.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LILLIAN.]
Looking for someone? - How did you get in here? - You'd have known I had one of these if you had seen Artie and my's sex tape.
- Ugh.
- [LILLIAN.]
FYI, I think he might've had a thing for your maid.
Like father, like daughter.
Huh.
I think Ethan would be very interested to hear what his sister was really up to, and you told me exactly where and when to find him.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, did I "accidentally" tell you where Ethan was gonna be so you could come and confront him? Yes? And you think he's gonna listen to you, the gold digger who didn't care enough to show up to the funeral but did show up to the will-reading? See, I saw through you seeing through me seeing through you seeing through me.
- Hmm.
- [SHEBA.]
Ethan! Look what the cat dragged in.
Cats, plural, and they left me at the curb.
Good Lord, Lillian.
This, you could come to? I thought Sheba was the family screwup, but the minute she grew out of it, my father had to bring in a new one.
Yeah.
We are a lot alike, aren't we? That's why we're in each other's heads.
Except that when you thought you were seeing through me seeing through you seeing through me seeing through you, I was actually seeing through you seeing through me seeing through you seeing through me seeing through you! What? You know, whenever I need to impress the judge or the guy from the Department of Health, Cats Quantity Division, I cover up my tattoos.
Oh, God! Ow! No, don't Hold still, missy! [BOTH SHOUT.]
[GUESTS GASP.]
[ETHAN.]
"Mike Tyson's Face Tattoo"? [SHEBA.]
I asked for that, and then I fell asleep in the chair.
And why haven't I ever seen you in a skirt? I mean, it's spring, and you've got gams that say "bam.
" [SIGHS.]
[GUESTS GASP.]
Ha! A court-ordered ankle bracelet! Ha-ha! I didn't know you could get a DUI on a stolen police horse.
You told me you stopped drinking.
[LILLIAN.]
And what's in here? Is it pills? Grass? [GUFFAWS.]
- Hoo! - It's empty because I shoplifted it on the way over, okay? She's trying to trick you into handing over her trust fund, but this girl is ten cents' worth of "God, help us.
" Don't fall for it.
Look [SIGHS.]
My dad always saw the best in my sister, but being her conservator took the patience of a Jewish saint like Artie Goodman.
[LILLIAN.]
Wait, what are you trying to say? I'm not my father.
I've got my own children to take care of, and Sheba's an adult? It breaks my heart, but if she wants to waste her life, well I can't stop her.
[CHEERS.]
I'm gonna clone my dead dog, like, 100 times.
I mean, first I gotta find a live dog, but [SHEBA LAUGHS.]
I'm so sorry this didn't work out, Titus.
Young adult fantasy just doesn't fit into our current slate of gritty dramas and women unwrapping crinkly packages.
Oh, darn.
I really wanted to write 100 episodes of The Capist.
Yeah, so Greg Kinnear and The Capist would have shown up in episode two or Mm, probably.
[MAN.]
Well, the idea may not have been good, but you! Oh, you were terrific! Really charismatic.
You're no writer, Titus, but you're a natural-born actor.
And then when the other person stops talking, you talk.
Hey.
We're producing Katherine Heigl's second-to-last chance.
Straight to series, pre-canceled, and you would be perfect for the guy that walks down long hallways with her.
You wanna come in and read? I'd love to! But how long are these hallways? I mean, could my character be in a wheelchair? [LAUGHS.]
And he stepped on the ball! [LAUGHING.]
Okay, which one of you futon stains is Cappy Tylenol? Me.
Let me explain something, you flip-flops-to-church toddler.
Women are human beings, and they deserve your respect.
If you hear a little voice in your head saying that you're more important because you can pee standing up and drive a car in Saudi Arabia don't believe it.
Now, tell your friends what happened between you and Xan.
We only did it for, like, ten seconds - before I - No, not that.
We didn't use a condom because they're all too big for me.
No.
Jesus.
The other stuff.
Xan didn't cheat on me.
I got scared, so I made up a bunch of lies about her.
It's not my fault.
Why are men so believed? Xan.
Just FYI, I'm not pregnant, but now I'm breaking up with you.
Not because you lied about me but because your breath smells like bologna even when you haven't eaten bologna.
Let's go.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh! Sorry, boys.
She's coming with us.
And to Uncle Stanley, I leave my collection of hilarious practical jokes and gags.
[LAUGHING.]
That's for November 1967.
Gotcha.
My son, Ethan.
It'll come as no surprise that you'll take over Big Naturals and all its real estate holdings, effective immediately.
- [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
- Thank you, thank you.
[ARTIE.]
My daughter, Sheba, marched to the beat of her own drummer which, by the way, was much more expensive than you might think.
That guy really jewed me.
I can say that.
Not 'cause I'm Jewish.
'Cause I'm dead.
Sue me! [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [ARTIE.]
But seriously.
Sheba's inheritance will remain in a trust that will now be administered by my son See you in hell, Lillian.
of a gun of a girlfriend, Lillian Dolemite Kaushtupper.
[BOTH.]
What? That can't be right! Sheba, darling, I love you, but I can't burden your brother with your challenges.
Lillian, you have the heart, the toughness, and the time on your hands.
Let's be honest.
You mean, every time this Tide Pod-eating brat wants money, she has to call me for permission? [SHEBA.]
And every time I need money to buy Tide Pods so I can eat them, I've gotta call her? [GUESTS CHUCKLING.]
- I'm opening that Halloween store.
- Like hell you are, young lady! They're already fighting, aren't they? [KIMMY.]
It's a pretty view, isn't it, Jan? Whoa, that cloud looks like a dragon! Mm-hmm.
It sure does.
What do the other clouds look like? That's an ice cream sundae, and Oh boy, Kimmy, those imaginary supplies sure feel heavy.
Well, we're going on a long trip.
Uh cool, cool.
Um where? Don't worry.
We'll be there soon.
[SNIFFLES.]
Kimmy Kimmy, why am I so heavy? K-Kimmy? Let's talk about this! C-come on! Come on! Look at me! Kimmy.
Kimmy.
Kimmy, I'm not just a backpack for a little kid! I can do adult stuff! You can put work papers in me! Or pornography! [JAN GASPING.]
No! Don't do this! [PANTS.]
There's half a pack of Starburst in me! You can have it! It's mostly oranges, but I know a guy who can get pinks! - [SHOUTING.]
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[JAN GASPING.]
[KIMMY SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
- "Unknown"? - [JAN.]
That's exciting! Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet! Hello? Hi.
Is this the writer of The Legends of Greenmulax? - How'd you get this number? - [BOY.]
It was on your book.
I found it in the trash at my dad's work and read it while he was wrestling his secretary.
The trash? Great.
Look, I'm in the middle of something.
She's trying to kill me! - Shh! Shh! - Tell the cops I'm under a dragon cloud! - Shh! - [BOY.]
Can I call you later and find out what happens in the next book? Really? You liked it? I loved it! But do they ever escape Greenmulax? Do the boys figure out how to control their monsters? And why does society keep feeding the monsters? Well, it turns out Greenmulax is just a mirage created by the Grabagorns.
What? No way! I don't wanna give away everything, but each boy is born with a key inside him to tame his own monster! That's their one weakness! Oh! I get it.
- [BOY TALKING EXCITEDLY.]
- Oh! Oh, God, thank you, Kimmy.
Oh, that was worse than being that homeless guy's toilet.
Oh, thank you.
[BOY.]
What if the boy chooses self-control Oh, I love it! Yeah, this is going to be so much better.
- [BOY CHATTERING.]
- [KIMMY.]
Yeah? Hey, hey, hey! Sometimes it feels Like the world is so wide And you don't get a second look But you're not alone You're just on your own two feet And it's yours to took Little girl, big city This is the show now Little girl, Big Apple It's a fruit that's bigger than people It's a fruit that's bigger than us [OMINOUS MUSIC OVERLAPS.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
[PHONE DIALING.]
[MAN IN HEBREW.]
I have eyes on the target.
Moving to phase two.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!
- Man, I am killing it on this pedo-meter! Guess I'm a real pedophile.
Hey, kids.
- Where's Mr.
A? - Oh, he didn't show up.
Really? I'm supposed to meet him for Sloppy Scrod Day in the cafeteria.
He'd never miss that.
Does this backpack look babyish? [GRUNTS.]
My backpack! - [MAN GRUNTS.]
- Help me find it! It's a purple Jansport! - [DOOR SLAMS.]
- Where'd you get that? At, like a regular backpack store.
I don't get my stuff from the lost and found at the club where my mom dances.
I mean is manager.
[GASPS.]
Wanna trade backpacks? And stop getting called "Purple Flower Kimmy Backpack Quentin"? [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
I am so sorry I left you in that alley, Jan S.
Port.
I'm just so glad you're back pack! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I did.
[LAUGHS.]
Lillian, Titus, guess what I found.
- Pass.
- If this is another baby squirrel that turns out to be an adult rat, double pass.
Are you okay? Why aren't you at work? Because I'm pitching The Capist to YouTube Brown tomorrow, - and I've got nothing.
- [KIMMY.]
Nothing? You've been working for weeks.
I'm not meant to be the one giving birth to ideas.
I'm the glamorous baby.
You know what? I'm gonna help you.
Oh, isn't that a shocker? Kimmy's gonna help someone.
Don't listen to him! I need help.
[LILLIAN.]
Will you two pipe down? I'm waiting for the Trivago guy to come on.
You can just tell he smokes.
[TITUS.]
Mm.
He looks like he's married, but he'll do it with anyone to hurt her.
The family of Big Naturals founder, Artie Goodman, is reaching out to anyone with information about his whereabouts.
My father has a heart condition and a prostate the size of a procountry his words.
He also wears transition lenses, so he could be either of these men.
Lillian.
Did you forget to tell this man's family he's dead? So? You still haven't told Kimmy about 9/11.
Twelve, 13, 14, 15! That's how you count to 15 By skipping ten and starting with nine [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BANKSTON.]
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[SINGERS.]
Damn it Get someone from the Kotex corporation on the line.
I wanna pitch Johnny Mustache for their new male dryness pads, Poise for Boys.
You got it, JW! Move my general meeting with Melanie Bizne$$ to a closer laundromat, please.
I need to be in Midtown before today's taping of Late Night.
I really want two shots at throwing Titus' demo into the basket of Seth Meyers' Citi Bike.
Weigh in, weigh out! [MIMI.]
You got it, boss.
Xan? [MIMI GASPS.]
I can't stop her! She's too cool! Jacqueline, I need to talk to you.
If Buckley is stealing your father's silverware, - it's not to pay for my shoes.
- No.
I'm pregnant.
It's not mine.
I've had a vasectomy.
I'm sorry.
That's the only way I've ever heard that conversation go.
Thank you, Aunt Helen.
Yes, thank you.
[LILLIAN.]
Hi.
I'm Lillian.
We spoke on the phone.
Well it's nice to see that my father was dating someone age-appropriate.
Before you, he was seeing Carol Channing.
So, uh closure? We knew he didn't have long.
At least now we know what happened to him.
Unlike with Kennedy.
We'll never know why MTV replaced her as a VJ.
Anyways, as a peace offering, I kept some of Artie for myself and I want you to have it.
Oh.
My father's in a dime bag.
Yeah, 'cause it's only a gram.
If it had been an eight ball, I would've gone classic six-inch twisty bag.
Oh, don't act so innocent.
I know a coke necklace when I see one.
"Coke necklace"? No, this is the mezuzah from my grandparents' home in Poland.
They lived above the original B&H Photo Video in Krakow.
Ethan.
[SIGHS.]
I got your text when I landed.
Oh! - - Guess we won't be needing these.
And, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yeah, uh, hi.
I'm Lillian Kaushtupper.
I was your father's expert lover, so you can rest easy in that department.
He was well taken care of.
I am sure this is all a lot for you, Sheba, so I will call and see if we can get the temple tomorrow.
No, I already called, and it's all set.
I also ordered flowers, and I booked a caterer, and I ordered mirror covers from shmatta.
com.
Oh! - That's great.
- Mm.
Thanks.
So there's a service? Where? [SHEBA.]
Right.
Of course.
The service is at Temple Tzeed-pah V'Chazeer.
"Temple Shellfish and Ham"? It's very reform.
The rabbi has to be a lesbian.
Here are the details.
I know my father would have wanted you there.
You were clearly very special to him.
Well, the last time we made love, he finally called out my name instead of your mother's.
[KIMMY.]
It can't be that bad.
- Let's hear what you got so far.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[IMITATES DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na Baaaaan Na-na-na-na-na-na-na The Capist! By Titus Andromedon.
Wolf Dick Productions.
That's all I've got.
That's it? Well, you're in luck.
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Say hello to my old friend Jan, your passport to imagination! Please tell me you're not about to talk about the bu [KIMMY.]
As long as we were with Jan, we could go anywhere: Mount Everest, the pyramids of Egypt, even TV's Star Search! We lost to Norm Macdonald.
So just put her on and imag-Jan the possibilities! Let's go on an adventure, Kimmy! [RELUCTANT MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm not about to wear something that makes me look like a turtle.
What if a rabbit challenges me to a race? Well, if you're not gonna try, Jan and I are making you go on an adventure.
[GASPS.]
We're going outside! [HUMMING.]
Xanthippe, if you're looking for advice, I know you have a family doctor.
Oh, my God, no, I can't go to Dr.
Joyce.
She's my pediatrician.
She's known me since I was an Elmo on the height chart.
I'm a Grover now! And I can't tell my actual mom, 'cause she'll, like, freak out about who the father is.
May I ask who your sex partner was? Ew.
So respectful.
It's this kid, Cap Tylenol.
Capsule Tylenol, the heir to the Tylenol fortune? [GASPS.]
Oh, no.
You can't tell your mother.
Right? She'll be like, "Oh, Xanny, it's a dream! You'll wear grandmother's wedding skis and I'll order food for eight for 100 people!" So I just thought, like, of all the maternal figures in my life, that you wouldn't flip out and you would know what to do.
Yes, sure.
Well, first thing you need to do is go see a real doctor.
My doctor was voted "Most New York Gynecologist" of 2018.
I can get you in there tomorrow.
Okay? You're gonna be fine.
As a privileged white woman, you have many options.
You could keep the baby and say it's your assistant.
You could terminate the pregnancy on HBO and win a Peabody for it.
And there's a service out of Hyannis Port that will blimp the child to Vermont and raise it as a golden retriever.
Cool cool.
So will Cap be going with you? No.
I mean, it's not like I thought we were in love, but, like Cap was my first real boyfriend.
You know, we only did it, like two and a half times.
And then when I told him, he was like, "Are you sure it's even mine?" And then he told all of his friends that I'm a slut, and then he disinvited me from his lacrosse recital! And [SOBBING.]
he's not even that hot! - Um - [SOBBING LOUDLY.]
so do you want me to go with you or - What? No.
- Oh, great.
No, no.
I just needed this, and And you got it! And my options, and I'm good.
I'm good to go.
GTG.
[MIMI.]
I've got Rod Kotex about Poise for Boys.
He can't hold.
Sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this.
- [TITUS.]
Mm-mm.
- Come on, Titus.
Using your imagination is fun.
Like, try making up something about him.
Girl, that's just a guy.
Or is he a secret agent on a mission from King Chocolate who's here to meet with a spy from the Peanut Butter Forest? And then their briefcases get mixed up Ho-ho, watch out, candy lovers! [KIMMY.]
Watch out is right! Why did you say, like, only parts of that sentence? You know I can't hear your backpack, right? Okay, that's not "just a guy.
" What do you think their story is? I believe that white nonsense is either Judaism or Scrabble.
[MAN.]
Hey, FYI, this is where we usually set up our Quidditch hoop.
Don't wanna catch a Quaffle in your muggle gut, let alone a Bludger.
I don't overstand.
It's Quidditch.
The sport from Harry Potter? The most important book series of my childhood and current-hood? You know, Quidditch? The Golden Snitch? Buzz, buzz! Flap, flap, flap! I'm so sneaky right now! This is a book.
And these guys liked it so much when they were boys that they're still doing this in public.
I'm a seeker for the 'Claw.
If a book can do that, imagine if it has a positive message about how boys should treat girls.
And there's dragons and monsters! And the monsters live inside them and try to trick them! [JAN.]
And it's all on a planet called - [BOTH.]
Greenmulax! - We should be writing this down! Well, get a pen from inside me! [GIGGLING.]
Random House wants me to write a book? Well, I hope they like books 'cause I'm writing one - for them! - [JAN.]
Ah! They're gonna love it! Pass.
Wait, what? Are you judging it by its cover? 'Cause that's just my contact info.
For the actual cover, I was thinking is Lisa Frank still alive? You wrote a young adult fantasy? I was working all night on it with only two Designing Women breaks.
And it's got a real good message for boys.
See, there's a little monster inside you, and most of the time, you're friends, but when it gets mad or hungry or thinks it deserves something that belongs to someone else, it tries to take over your body Kimmy.
No.
See, this - - is what we want from you.
People see you as a Mole Woman, and it's my job to keep you in that box.
No! I've been put in a box.
Yes! Yeah, see, that that is the kind of stuff we need.
This is a business, and nobody's ever gonna buy your children's book.
I'm sorry.
I'm just living in the real world.
Well, I guess I finally found out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.
True story! [LILLIAN.]
Hang on.
It's over? Oh, my God.
Lillian, did I give you the wrong time? Agh! And Richard Kind gave such a beautiful reading of the menu from Sammy's Roumanian.
I don't think so.
Your story's like bras and toothpaste, 'cause I ain't buying it! What was it? The coke necklace? Well, to start with.
I mean, those are just symbols from Led Zeppelin IV.
And your brother seemed awfully suspicious to see you acting like a grown-up.
And, kiddo, I know a rat-trap bruise when I see one.
I wanted that cheese, man.
So, what, you're just the black sheep trying to hold it together for the family, but then I show up And I could tell that you were onto me, so I gave you the wrong time because I don't need that noise.
So it's all about the Tubmans.
That's right.
I updated it! Time's up, Benjamins! My trust fund was completely controlled by my father.
Anytime I wanted cash, I had to go beg Daddy for business ideas or mail-order grooms or racing donkeys! It's the future of sports! But after they read that will tonight Your brother is gonna be in control of your money! And if he thinks "Sheba's so responsible now! She's got a watch! She's clearly showered!" He's gonna give me control.
And I'm gonna open a year-round Halloween store.
[SCOFFS.]
It's 12 times the profits, idiots.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
I'm gonna find Ethan and I'm gonna tell him exactly what you're up to.
And if you think that I'm gonna give up, then you have not seen me try to change a light bulb alone! And I'm Polish.
[CACKLES.]
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Yes! You're a genius, me.
"Then, The Capist turns to Honk Shoe.
" Wait.
"Honk Shoe"? [SNORING.]
Honk Shoe.
Honk [SNORES.]
Shoe Honk Shoe? [GASPS.]
Kimmy, I have nothing! And my meeting is in less than an hour.
I mean, 20 minutes.
Why would I say it that way? Well, I'd give you all of my ideas, but I know for a fact that no one wants them.
Wait.
That's perfect.
I need something so I can get paid, and if they actually wanna buy it, I'd have to write.
That's not happening.
Now that I know it's not sexual, I don't want a back nine.
Well, mi casa es su casa.
- Does that mean "take my book"? - Yes.
Try not to laugh.
I guess it was written by a baby who doesn't understand the world.
[GASPS.]
Kimmy, this is so bad.
But so sincere.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Gross.
Thank you.
[KIMMY.]
Jan Jan, we need to talk.
Yeah.
What should we do know? Pretend to be giraffes? What noise does a giraffe make? Gira-a-a-affe! Giraffes don't make any noise, Jan.
- I learned that in college.
- Oh.
Um [CROAKING QUIETLY.]
gira-a-a gira-a-a Look, in the bunker, I needed to escape reality, but now I'm trying to face reality.
I'm a grown-up now.
Your straps have probably noticed my boobs.
But grown-ups don't just wake up one day and decide they'll write a book that's gonna fix everything.
If I want to change the world, I've gotta start by changing myself.
[BRIGHTLY.]
As long as I'm around, I'll never let that happen! [SIGHS.]
I've already changed, Jan.
A lot.
I buy clothes at the same place as anthropologists.
I have a debit card and a job, where I'm partially vested.
When I'm fully vested, I'll have a vest.
Vests are fun 'cause your sleeves don't get in your pudding.
It's just, if I'm ever gonna really be a grown-up, if I'm ever gonna actually do something, I've gotta get rid of the stuff that's holding me back.
Um "stuff"? Like what? Like my Hello Kitty sheets and my day-of-the-week underwear and bras.
They had to be made special.
You're being silly, Kimmy.
Good thing I'm back pack to stop you from changing anything! Now, come on.
Let's go on an adventure! Yes, Jan.
An adventure.
Some say the greatest adventure of all.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[WHISPERING.]
Why won't that little monster text me? Girl, put your phone away.
Eyes on the smize.
Well, we are very excited to hear this pitch.
I oh.
Oh, uh, don't mind him.
We found that executives are 30% less likely to commit sex crimes when their children are present, so it's company policy.
Thank you for your service.
- #MrFrumpus, right? - [LAUGHING.]
Well, this is The Capist! We open on Greenmulax, a magical land That could easily be shot in Long Island or Atlanta.
[TITUS.]
where every boy is born with a little monster inside him.
A little monster! - A little monster? - [TITUS.]
"Usually, they're very friendly, but every now and then, they try to trick you.
Sometimes, for the little monster, a no means yes.
" [GASPS.]
The little monster said no when it meant yes.
Xan did want me to go to the doctor's with her because she's terrified! When you pay ten percent, they stay for ten percent of the meeting.
[LAUGHING.]
Young, hot not-real-Mommy is here.
God, Jacqueline, knock! Look, I know we're not technically family anymore, but I'm not letting you do this alone.
I always thought your hands would be slimy.
Not since the operation.
Well, you're not pregnant, but I still think we should schedule a C-section.
Oh, hello, Jacqueline.
How's your vagina? Mezzo-mezzo.
But wait, she's not pregnant? Then why'd I stop getting my period? Stress-induced amenorrhea.
It's fairly common among gymnasts, bunker victims, millennial college students, and people on roller skates carrying hot soup.
- Didn't you take a home test? - Yeah, but I was too embarrassed to buy it on campus, so I went to this place in Spanish Harlem, and now that I'm thinking, it might have been less of a pharmacy and more of a Dominican joke shop.
They sold Robinson Canó masks.
Hmm.
[IN SPANISH.]
"Jane the Virgin" brand pregnancy test! Trick your friends! Mystery solved.
Now, can I get anyone IVF triplets or Just the check.
Thank you, Doctor.
Mm.
[JACQUELINE SIGHS.]
Sorry I wasted your time.
I'll, um call you next pregnancy scare, I guess.
Get dressed.
This is over.
I mean, get dressed.
This isn't over.
I'm sorry, I've only ever heard it the other way.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LILLIAN.]
Looking for someone? - How did you get in here? - You'd have known I had one of these if you had seen Artie and my's sex tape.
- Ugh.
- [LILLIAN.]
FYI, I think he might've had a thing for your maid.
Like father, like daughter.
Huh.
I think Ethan would be very interested to hear what his sister was really up to, and you told me exactly where and when to find him.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, did I "accidentally" tell you where Ethan was gonna be so you could come and confront him? Yes? And you think he's gonna listen to you, the gold digger who didn't care enough to show up to the funeral but did show up to the will-reading? See, I saw through you seeing through me seeing through you seeing through me.
- Hmm.
- [SHEBA.]
Ethan! Look what the cat dragged in.
Cats, plural, and they left me at the curb.
Good Lord, Lillian.
This, you could come to? I thought Sheba was the family screwup, but the minute she grew out of it, my father had to bring in a new one.
Yeah.
We are a lot alike, aren't we? That's why we're in each other's heads.
Except that when you thought you were seeing through me seeing through you seeing through me seeing through you, I was actually seeing through you seeing through me seeing through you seeing through me seeing through you! What? You know, whenever I need to impress the judge or the guy from the Department of Health, Cats Quantity Division, I cover up my tattoos.
Oh, God! Ow! No, don't Hold still, missy! [BOTH SHOUT.]
[GUESTS GASP.]
[ETHAN.]
"Mike Tyson's Face Tattoo"? [SHEBA.]
I asked for that, and then I fell asleep in the chair.
And why haven't I ever seen you in a skirt? I mean, it's spring, and you've got gams that say "bam.
" [SIGHS.]
[GUESTS GASP.]
Ha! A court-ordered ankle bracelet! Ha-ha! I didn't know you could get a DUI on a stolen police horse.
You told me you stopped drinking.
[LILLIAN.]
And what's in here? Is it pills? Grass? [GUFFAWS.]
- Hoo! - It's empty because I shoplifted it on the way over, okay? She's trying to trick you into handing over her trust fund, but this girl is ten cents' worth of "God, help us.
" Don't fall for it.
Look [SIGHS.]
My dad always saw the best in my sister, but being her conservator took the patience of a Jewish saint like Artie Goodman.
[LILLIAN.]
Wait, what are you trying to say? I'm not my father.
I've got my own children to take care of, and Sheba's an adult? It breaks my heart, but if she wants to waste her life, well I can't stop her.
[CHEERS.]
I'm gonna clone my dead dog, like, 100 times.
I mean, first I gotta find a live dog, but [SHEBA LAUGHS.]
I'm so sorry this didn't work out, Titus.
Young adult fantasy just doesn't fit into our current slate of gritty dramas and women unwrapping crinkly packages.
Oh, darn.
I really wanted to write 100 episodes of The Capist.
Yeah, so Greg Kinnear and The Capist would have shown up in episode two or Mm, probably.
[MAN.]
Well, the idea may not have been good, but you! Oh, you were terrific! Really charismatic.
You're no writer, Titus, but you're a natural-born actor.
And then when the other person stops talking, you talk.
Hey.
We're producing Katherine Heigl's second-to-last chance.
Straight to series, pre-canceled, and you would be perfect for the guy that walks down long hallways with her.
You wanna come in and read? I'd love to! But how long are these hallways? I mean, could my character be in a wheelchair? [LAUGHS.]
And he stepped on the ball! [LAUGHING.]
Okay, which one of you futon stains is Cappy Tylenol? Me.
Let me explain something, you flip-flops-to-church toddler.
Women are human beings, and they deserve your respect.
If you hear a little voice in your head saying that you're more important because you can pee standing up and drive a car in Saudi Arabia don't believe it.
Now, tell your friends what happened between you and Xan.
We only did it for, like, ten seconds - before I - No, not that.
We didn't use a condom because they're all too big for me.
No.
Jesus.
The other stuff.
Xan didn't cheat on me.
I got scared, so I made up a bunch of lies about her.
It's not my fault.
Why are men so believed? Xan.
Just FYI, I'm not pregnant, but now I'm breaking up with you.
Not because you lied about me but because your breath smells like bologna even when you haven't eaten bologna.
Let's go.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh! Sorry, boys.
She's coming with us.
And to Uncle Stanley, I leave my collection of hilarious practical jokes and gags.
[LAUGHING.]
That's for November 1967.
Gotcha.
My son, Ethan.
It'll come as no surprise that you'll take over Big Naturals and all its real estate holdings, effective immediately.
- [PEOPLE MURMURING.]
- Thank you, thank you.
[ARTIE.]
My daughter, Sheba, marched to the beat of her own drummer which, by the way, was much more expensive than you might think.
That guy really jewed me.
I can say that.
Not 'cause I'm Jewish.
'Cause I'm dead.
Sue me! [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [ARTIE.]
But seriously.
Sheba's inheritance will remain in a trust that will now be administered by my son See you in hell, Lillian.
of a gun of a girlfriend, Lillian Dolemite Kaushtupper.
[BOTH.]
What? That can't be right! Sheba, darling, I love you, but I can't burden your brother with your challenges.
Lillian, you have the heart, the toughness, and the time on your hands.
Let's be honest.
You mean, every time this Tide Pod-eating brat wants money, she has to call me for permission? [SHEBA.]
And every time I need money to buy Tide Pods so I can eat them, I've gotta call her? [GUESTS CHUCKLING.]
- I'm opening that Halloween store.
- Like hell you are, young lady! They're already fighting, aren't they? [KIMMY.]
It's a pretty view, isn't it, Jan? Whoa, that cloud looks like a dragon! Mm-hmm.
It sure does.
What do the other clouds look like? That's an ice cream sundae, and Oh boy, Kimmy, those imaginary supplies sure feel heavy.
Well, we're going on a long trip.
Uh cool, cool.
Um where? Don't worry.
We'll be there soon.
[SNIFFLES.]
Kimmy Kimmy, why am I so heavy? K-Kimmy? Let's talk about this! C-come on! Come on! Look at me! Kimmy.
Kimmy.
Kimmy, I'm not just a backpack for a little kid! I can do adult stuff! You can put work papers in me! Or pornography! [JAN GASPING.]
No! Don't do this! [PANTS.]
There's half a pack of Starburst in me! You can have it! It's mostly oranges, but I know a guy who can get pinks! - [SHOUTING.]
- [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
[JAN GASPING.]
[KIMMY SIGHS.]
[EXHALES.]
- "Unknown"? - [JAN.]
That's exciting! Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet! Hello? Hi.
Is this the writer of The Legends of Greenmulax? - How'd you get this number? - [BOY.]
It was on your book.
I found it in the trash at my dad's work and read it while he was wrestling his secretary.
The trash? Great.
Look, I'm in the middle of something.
She's trying to kill me! - Shh! Shh! - Tell the cops I'm under a dragon cloud! - Shh! - [BOY.]
Can I call you later and find out what happens in the next book? Really? You liked it? I loved it! But do they ever escape Greenmulax? Do the boys figure out how to control their monsters? And why does society keep feeding the monsters? Well, it turns out Greenmulax is just a mirage created by the Grabagorns.
What? No way! I don't wanna give away everything, but each boy is born with a key inside him to tame his own monster! That's their one weakness! Oh! I get it.
- [BOY TALKING EXCITEDLY.]
- Oh! Oh, God, thank you, Kimmy.
Oh, that was worse than being that homeless guy's toilet.
Oh, thank you.
[BOY.]
What if the boy chooses self-control Oh, I love it! Yeah, this is going to be so much better.
- [BOY CHATTERING.]
- [KIMMY.]
Yeah? Hey, hey, hey! Sometimes it feels Like the world is so wide And you don't get a second look But you're not alone You're just on your own two feet And it's yours to took Little girl, big city This is the show now Little girl, Big Apple It's a fruit that's bigger than people It's a fruit that's bigger than us [OMINOUS MUSIC OVERLAPS.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
[PHONE DIALING.]
[MAN IN HEBREW.]
I have eyes on the target.
Moving to phase two.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!