Veep s04e06 Episode Script

This is so amazing.
It is.
Hey, how are you? Do you work out? - You do.
- Thank you.
How are you? Are you two going to get married? - Who? - She's way out of my league.
That's the correct answer.
- We love you, Tom James.
- Thank you.
Love you, too.
I mean, within obviously acceptable propriety and so on.
Hey, nice to meet you.
President's gonna love these headlines.
"Dream Ticket.
" "Dynamic Duo.
" "Tom James, Best POTUS We Never Had.
" Okay, please don't show her that one.
Pennsylvania, I wish we didn't have to go.
And how great is Tom James, right? We'll see you guys soon.
If I have any more of those funnel cakes, I won't be able to fit through the bus door.
It's true.
Those funnel cakes are just great.
We'll see you guys soon.
Thank you.
You won't be able to miss us.
It's true because if we'll eat them and then we'll get so fat.
So fat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
No, don't talk anymore.
No.
No, what I said was Amy Brookheimer had issues, not problems.
No, she got mad.
She's not mentally mad.
Great crowds, right? I mean, you are box office platinum, my friend.
Madam President, I am here to serve.
You are the sun, I the moon.
Of Jupiter.
Not even one of the good ones.
Get up.
"New York Times" profile on Tom is just out.
It's great.
Should be called the "New York Toms.
" Let me see.
"Four years away has given James a firm grip on the real world.
A lone wolf, he gets it done himself without yes-men and flunkies.
" You know, a wolf is actually a pack animal.
I'm more of a lone squirrel.
You both need to choose bicycles for the Bike For Health event.
Mountain bike, road bike, whatever.
Fun fact The Wright brothers used their bicycle repair shop to make the first airplane.
I knew that.
- Yeah, Liam.
Thanks for calling back.
- Get up.
Fun fact we're running a campaign here, not a bake sale.
Exactly right.
Hey, what's going on? There is sexual tension on this bus.
From? Tom.
Towards? - Me.
- Right.
Did you get a load of that lone squirrel comment? - Oh, my God.
- Did you hear that? - And that means? - Exactly.
- Exactly.
- And you saw the way he crossed his legs towards me as soon as I sat down? - Totally.
Totally.
- Did you see that? God.
See, the thing is, I never - I never told you this, but - Yeah, yeah, yeah? - I think it was about - We almost - Kissed? - Fucked.
- Okay.
- Ma'am, Ben's on the phone.
- Oh.
We got a storm brewing, ma'am.
Is it Israel or is it China? No, it's an actual hurricane.
And it's about to take North Carolina from behind.
I guess I have to get there after the hurricane's passed, right? Ma'am, we can track the storm from here.
I have a weather app.
We have the full power of the National Weather Service, Mike.
Sure, but this is a really good app.
We'll be in touch.
Stay close to the Bat Phone.
Mike, listen.
I want you to get more op-ed pieces out there about how my choosing Tom was an act of real vision and real leadership, okay? I've been pushing, ma'am, but they're gaga over Tom James.
People love Tom, but I want to get credit for choosing him.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Headline thought.
I want more headlines.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes.
- You want to see the storm? - No.
- Hey, Sue.
- Sir.
- Keeping busy? - Yes.
So quiet in here.
It's like a morgue full of dead librarians.
I happen to like the quiet, sir.
It allows me to get things done when I am busy like I am now.
Yeah, I miss everybody, even Kent.
Well, great struggling to talk to you.
Oh, God, this place has been dead ever since Doyle left the ticket.
Doyle, Amy, Lee, Karen, Dan.
I mean, this place is leaking bodies faster than a Chinese ferry.
You know what? Just as I was getting some responsibility, right - Hey, Jonah.
- Hey.
- Teddy sends a message.
- No, don't you dare touch my balls.
A joke's not a joke unless everyone can laugh at it.
This is what I have to look forward to A bunch of fucking half-wit jokers trying to grab my balls.
- Hello, sir.
- How are the testies, Jonah? Uh, they're fine, sir.
Thank you.
We have the notes from the dairy tariffs meetings.
Oh, yeah.
Put it in that pile over there with everything else.
I'll set fire to it later.
I met a single mom the other day holding down several jobs at the same time.
Head of the National Security Council.
Head of the Domestic Policy Council.
Commander-in-Chief and President Just look at this guy.
He is the new me.
He's super me.
You've lived a very interesting life.
You should write your memoirs.
I was veep, they polled other candidates, fucked me in my slack old ass.
- Sound like a best seller? - I'd read it.
But I'd read anything, though.
I love to read.
You know, it's Have you mentioned that moment to Tom yet? What? Are you stop Okay, you're just gonna do a short circuit.
- Yes.
- Right? And you may wave if you feel that you can keep control of the machine here.
The machine? You mean the bike? - Right, the bike.
Sorry.
- Yeah, I can't fall off, you know.
I don't want to break a tit.
They weren't cheap.
Hi there.
- You all set? - Yes, I am.
- Do you bike much, Tom? - Oh, God, no.
- Hardly at all.
- Me neither.
I did do the Tour of Italy 2008, but my mountain times were embarrassing.
- Over here, Senator.
- Hey there.
Madam President, would you say that Tom James is a star? No, I would not say Tom James is a star.
I would say he's a superstar.
And I made a good pick.
Don't you think I did? - Yes, you did.
- Good.
What do you think? Did I do a good job? - Is this a good choice that I made? - I I Your bike is a lot bigger than mine.
I should be riding in a basket in the front like E.
T.
You want to go ahead of me? No, you just do whatever you want.
Maybe I'm gonna come up.
God, this mirror doesn't work at all.
The only thing I can see is my eyeball.
That's a great image.
Vital, dynamic.
Self-congratulations are in order.
Amy's still pissed at me.
It's 'cause I sent that press release out saying she resigned 'cause she's unstable.
She is unstable.
It was a big mistake to say it, though.
Great.
Another hate text from Amy.
"You looked sweaty on TV yesterday.
Are you going through the change?" I wish I understood vendettas.
They're so time-consuming.
Welcome to the money-making machine.
Want to see the room where we make all the money? Or all the other rooms where we also make money.
See Mike's statement implying that I was unstable? - Yeah, look - They're doing a pancake breakfast? Hello, I suggested that a week ago and I was shot down like a hang glider over the Pentagon.
Amy, I'm offering you an incredible opportunity here, okay? So let's cut out the whole "keep her away from scissors" thing.
- Okay.
- Yeah? Ah, Sidney Purcell.
I offer for your delectation one Miss Amy Brookheimer.
Well, look at me.
I have more White House staff than the White House.
And a whiter building.
Well, I hope that it's a different vibe because I am putting all of that stuff behind me.
- Great.
We need someone - Selina Meyer is yesterday's news as far as I'm concerned.
Good, because I have a big GMJ client I need tied up and I think your West Wing access should bring him right in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We can trap and truss him, right, Ames? Yeah, if people want access to that backstabbing madhouse, then I think we're the ones to get it for him.
Maybe you can refer to it as the White House since some of our clients actually still like and respect that place.
- Okay? - Yeah, all good.
What's he talking about? I said White House.
Let's get you a decaf.
This is ridiculous.
My talents are being wasted here.
- I'm like Picasso and I'm stuck painting fences.
- Yeah.
Senator Wilkie has been begging to see me.
And lots of other people want meetings, too.
VP Doyle's a lame duck.
And you know what you do with lame animals? - You care for them.
- You shoot them dead.
Oh, no, yeah, I got you.
Kinder in the long run, actually.
Uh, Tom, can I ask you a question? Sure.
It's about a little moment in time.
Might need to narrow that down a little.
I know.
Back in DC, you and me.
I think it was about 12 years ago.
Sure, I yeah.
We used to hang out a lot during my first term.
It was that late night after the Sharpley debate.
Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Yeah, right.
- Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What - We shared that cab.
- We shared a cab.
- Right.
- The night of the green shoes.
Oh, look at you, remembering the shoes.
They gave you blisters.
Or was it No, it was corns.
Or No, it wasn't corns.
Not co I don't get corns.
Anyway, we got out of the cab at my house and, um the cold got to us and then you decided you wanted to walk home.
Yeah, I love to walk at night.
It's the only time I can think straight, you know, without the phones and screens pestering me.
You okay, ma'am? You look a little flushed.
I mentioned the moment in the car.
- And? - He had no idea what I was talking about.
- No, you're kidding me.
- Yeah, I don't want to talk about this, okay? - I'm so humiliated.
- Okay, I understand.
I understand.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.
No, you don't, Gary.
You're a guy, okay? You can't have any idea what I'm talking about.
That's right, I am a guy.
And Tom's a guy.
You want me to talk to him like guy on guy? No! You have to stop doing things for me all the time, all right? Which reminds me, by the way, I'm going commando at tomorrow's pancake brunch.
- What? No underwear? - What? No.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, that'll win me the election.
A nice shot of my beav.
No, I want no prompting, okay? I'm going solo.
No you, even.
That's right, Jamie.
Dan Egan is back.
Like denim and measles.
And, Lauren, you look beautiful.
How do you keep that white wine so cold looking that hot? Uh Everybody.
So I just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me back from exile.
I can finally officially say that Dan Egan has the all-clear.
Yeah.
- Have fun.
Enjoy the free bar.
- Yay.
Free bar.
Well, this is a soulless parade of vanity and ambition.
Isn't it great? Sliders are good, too.
- Oh, I didn't see them.
- Oh, so listen, I invited Nicola Mortlock.
- Didn't you move in with her once? - For like a month.
She didn't like my untidiness or my other girlfriends.
Amy, I thought you might be in a straightjacket drooling on meds.
I guess Mike McLintock was wrong.
Yeah, is he ever right? I hope your vagina falls off.
Amy.
Jesus, what the fuck? - What? - All right, how do I put this sensitively? - Stop acting fucking nuts.
- Yeah, I'm trying.
All right, jeez.
Look, the best way to get revenge on these people is to use them to make a shitload of money, all right? - Mark Twain said that.
- No, I hate DC and it chews you up and it shits you out and then you are left with nothing but the night sweats and flashbacks.
Oh, come on, you love DC.
Find a way to just sort of release it.
Jesus Christ! Amy, stop it! - Stop screaming.
- That feels really good.
I don't care.
Hey! - This man bothering you? - She's fine.
- I swear, I - You need to stop speaking.
- I asked the lady.
- Yep, yep, yep.
It's all good, Officer.
- Maybe you don't yell out like that.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes.
- Makes people nervous.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you.
For this and for your broader service.
- I really feel better.
- All right, you need to calm down.
Go to a spa, take a Pilates class.
Go to a fucking church, find someone there that has some Valium and take four of them.
- Hello.
- Oh, pleased to meet you.
- Ruth Forrester.
- Pleasure.
Jonah Ryan.
This is my personal assistant Richard Splett.
- Splett? - Splett.
- Uh, Splett.
- Please have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, will the senator be joining us? Mr.
Ryan, we asked you here today with regard to a Mr.
Theodore Sykes.
Uh, Teddy.
We're bringing a class action against him and we'd like you to testify.
We've all been the victims of Teddy's inappropriate sexual behavior.
Am I the only man that he - As far as we know.
- Okay, all right.
Well, obviously there has been some sort of mistake here because what happened between Teddy and I was not consensual, obviously.
There was the ball The cupping The grabbing or the The clutching.
There is no shame here, Jonah.
Let it out.
Oh, I understand there's no shame because it was locker room tomfoolery and nothing more.
You're saying you weren't assaulted? Sir, you don't have to answer that.
- Oh, is this man your attorney? - No.
- Not technically.
- Let's go, right now.
Teddy can't hurt you now.
I'm not worried about Teddy.
I'm worried about you.
Jesus fucking Christ.
You all look like me.
This is a nightmare.
It's a fucking nightmare.
And just so we're clear, at no point was this a job interview? No.
And j-Okay.
Okay.
clear, Well, that was unexpected.
Yeah, I feel like I got felt up again, but this time by the law.
Just tell me what I'm doing.
Well, you're dealing with the emotional fallout of - Today, Richard.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, you have a 4:30 meeting with Congressman Skellern.
Okay, that's in Georgetown, right? So we should Uber? Oh, yeah, no.
Uber, that makes the most sense, sir.
Richard, I don't look like a middle-aged woman, do I? No, sir.
Well, you do have that one purple shirt that looks a bit blousy, but - Oh, we got Donald coming in three minutes.
- Great.
Okay, that's Congressman Hausman.
I've got him.
So who's next? This is Congressman Cheever.
- Do you remember anything about him? - Yeah.
He's got that big left ear and he has a small majority and he needs funding for infrastructure? Okay, really good.
It's just it's his right ear that's freakishly large.
- No, his right, my left.
- Aha, got it.
Okay.
Ma'am, this is the pancake brunch setup.
- General holding area here.
- Yeah.
Juices and coffees.
Hot plates and griddles.
Okay, the minute you see bubbles, you flip.
No, you flip when you see holes.
Bubbles is too soon.
Holes, not bubbles.
Okay, I flip at bubbles, but Fun fact there are three kinds of syrup.
Boysenberry, maple, and buttermilk.
Buttermilk is not a syrup.
Okay, ma'am, what if you said this? - Yeah? - Who's achin' for some bacon? No.
Okay, I can't prep anymore, all right? - Really? - I might vomit on Mike.
This bus is giving me motion sickness.
Okay, let me get you a scopolamine patch.
Fun fact scopolamine was first used as a truth serum by the Czechoslovakian state police.
How is that fun? - Mel? - Tom.
Did you lose a lot of weight or did you get six inches taller? I think you look great.
Great height and weight.
- Madam President.
- Yes.
Oh! I know you.
Yes, I know you, sir.
- Um - Congressman Hausman.
And we met before.
No, ma'am, I have never had the honor.
- Okay.
- This is my wife Beatrice.
- Hello.
How good to meet you.
- Hello.
- And I love your brooch.
- Thank you.
It's a honeybee.
Bee for Beatrice.
Fun fact about the honeybee.
Do you know how much honey a honeybee produces in its lifetime? - I do not.
- Well it's either surprisingly little or surprisingly a lot.
Chatting, nodding.
This is classic mingling.
Yeah, but it's funeral mingling.
Nobody's laughing.
She must not be using all the jokes I gave her.
This is it? You just lie here? Yeah.
Unwind.
Defocus.
Did I tell you I slept in? - Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Actually, I got up early, but then I just stayed in bed looking at Politico.
That site has turned to shit.
But anyway Oh, is that Paula Thorpe? - Did you lift your cucumber? - Yeah.
- Who's Paula Thorpe? - The chief of staff for Jensen.
Fascinating.
You are here to relax.
Please stop talking about work.
Yeah, I know.
It's so great.
Wow, this music is so irritating.
Jesus, only you could be irritated by gamma waves and a whale.
This is just a Swiss suicide clinic with a hint of jojoba.
Dan, mm-hmm, I did the whole spa thing and it worked.
- I have been here, like - Seven minutes.
Seven minutes.
Yeah, it's plenty.
Okay, so I'm going to see you at the office.
You won't remember, Senator, but my father drove you when you first ran for office.
- You're George Meredith's boy? - Yeah.
How's he doing? Is he still brewing his own beer? Yes, sir.
Still doesn't taste any better.
Can I get a short stack made without cow's milk? Are you serious? You don't want milk or? No, it makes me gassy.
Which, when you have a bag instead of a bowel, is not good.
Bernie.
How's the gut, my friend? Tolerable.
Thanks for remembering.
I made some batter with soy milk just for you.
Let me whip you up some pancakes.
Wow.
There we go.
Who's, uh who's achin' for some bacon? Got a very strong relationship with Senator Lambert.
Sure, and nobody wants to ruin a good relationship.
No, and Lambert kind of knows Roger Furlong, who takes regular meetings with VP Doyle, who theoretically has access to POTUS.
- That's the chain.
- Look, you want a chain? Here's the chain, okay? - Me - Me, the President of the United States.
I have the trust of POTUS and all of the senior members of her team.
Just Hey, Amy.
Yeah, good to hear from you.
Yeah, Sue just won't do.
- Ben Cafferty.
- Sometimes I think she's actually dead.
So did you hear about the hurricane? Oh, Ben, I'm sorry, I think I dialed by mistake.
Hello? So, Paul, do we have your business? Be a lot cheaper for me to steal your phone, but yeah, you do.
- Excellent.
- You do, absolutely.
- Okay, good.
- Hey, welcome aboard.
- You're not going to regret this.
- Thanks so much.
- All right.
- Very excited.
Bye.
Oh, boy, that was fucking amazing.
- Thank you very much.
- Great work, Amy.
You have my utmost admiration.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, she's also got your client list.
- Wait, what do you mean? - Don't worry about it.
She's not taking all your clients, just a couple.
You know, Fycorps, Killick & Company, Hemmings.
No, no, no.
That's my holy trinity.
Those are my biggies.
Without those, all I got is my smallies.
Well, spoils of war, handsome.
You want top clients, be more like Amy.
Or better.
You want to go ahead and give her my parking space and my desk while you're at it? Now, listen, Dan, I don't want to be unreasonable.
Amy, do you want his parking space and desk? Yes, please.
Are you okay? - No.
- What's wrong? He's this pancake genius and I got lost in some sort of a bee anecdote.
You listen to me.
You are Beyoncé.
- He is backup bootie.
- Ma'am.
- Yeah? - It's Ben.
- Hey, what's going on? - The storm's happening.
Ma'am, you've got to get back to DC faster than a speeding drunk.
Is North Carolina about to be blown off the map? Yeah, six hours till flying cow time.
This is a potential tragedy that could be great for you.
Okay.
And now the weather.
Thank you.
I feel very Okay, we'll drop Tom back off in DC, right? This is it.
Hurricane's definitely going to hit.
Everyone's gonna be coming back from the campaign and this joint will be jumping again.
You are really excited about that, aren't you, Ben? Hell, yes.
I mean, no offense meant, Sue, but when it's just you and me, it's like it's just me.
Okay, it's looking bad.
Both the National Weather Service and my app are saying this.
Right, so we'll go to DC, we'll wait for the storm to pass, and then we'll head to North Carolina.
Or go there right now before it hits.
That's crazy.
Soon as the hurricane has passed, you're right there with the people in their hour of need.
He's crazy.
- I love that.
- Do you? That's the way you master a disaster.
Hey, ma'am, I've got some issues here.
It's a hurricane, and that's, like, killer wind.
Okay, we're turning this plane around, we're heading to North Carolina.
A state of emergency in my state would shut down travel, cost millions.
Can we wait a few hours? Well, we don't have a few hours.
Is that Senator James? - Hi.
- Hi, Cecile.
Either they have the contrast turned up to max or you are looking fine.
Oh.
- Should we? - Oh, yes, of course.
Governor, I'm sure you'll understand, we have some issues of national security that have to be discussed.
I have had it with her category five fucking snoot.
And she definitely can't hear us? - No.
- Maybe she can lip-read.
Okay, um let's just swivel the chairs.
Jesus Christ.
- She know that we can hear that? - My guess would be no.
- I got a text from Ben.
- What did he say? - What did he say? - He says he can't hear anything.
Just text him back.
See, I think it would be unfair on Senator O'Brien and his running mate if there were a travel lockdown because they would be stranded in Florida.
They would not be able to visit the disaster site like we could.
Just throwing that into the barbecue sauce.
Right.
It doesn't work.
The chair Governor, it pains me to say this.
I think we're gonna have to ground flights despite your opinion on this matter.
Cecile, if a state of emergency were requested, that could be sweetened by a light dusting of federal funds.
Okay, I've decided to request a state of emergency.
Thank you, Governor.
How about that? - Look at that.
Put it here.
- Seemed to work.
- You know what you are? - What? A great choice that I made.
Okay, let's go storm-chasing, you shitkickers.
This isn't a hurricane.
What the hell is this? My app says moderate breeze.
These trees are still standing.
I don't want to look at standing trees.
- I mean, where is my storm? - It veered south.
- How? - Barometric pressure.
How about that app of yours, Mike? You better get your money back on that one.
It was actually free.
I updated my software and it just appeared on my screen.
And I was like, "What is this thing?" And I just picked it up.
Where's the storm heading now? - Florida.
- Florida.
So O'Brien and Montez are gonna get the storm photos? Is that what you're saying? This was definitely a good idea when I pitched it.
Well, I grounded flights and I diverted federal funds to the wrong state.
I don't remember you pitching that as a possibility, Tom.
Sometimes you have to gamble.
Unfortunately, our horse did not win.
No, it certainly didn't.
It fell at the first fence and it got shot.
And now some French fucker's got it in a baguette.
Don't you gamble with this campaign and this presidency, okay, Tom? - Too much too soon.
I apologize.
- Right.
Mm-hmm.
- Mr.
Ryan.
- Yeah? Louise Benjamin from Cabinet Affairs is here for your meeting.
What? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Is this a joke? - I'm sorry? - Honestly, why are you here? I'm collating agency responses - How tall are you? - What? I am sorry, ma'am.
A number of tall women were molested and Mr.
Ryan was one of them.
Okay, and this is a campaigning visit? Yes, you're here as a candidate, not president.
Okay, and what do they do here? Embossed and dentil moulding.
- Uh-huh.
Huh? - No idea.
Ma'am, we've also set up a tour of an egg plant.
I mean a plant that packs eggs, not the big vegetable.
- Oh, I see.
- Thanks for clarifying.
- You're welcome.
- Hello.
- Madam President.
- Yes.
- Welcome.
- Oh, thank you.
We were hoping to give you a tour of the plant, but we sustained some damage in the storm and it's not safe.
Oh! Oh, well we're gonna want to see that, Kent, right away.
Apologies, et cetera.
Back in the car.
This is presidential.
Can't look like campaigning.
Nick.
Nope, I'm gonna be hiding in the back of a car.
I know.
Biography just writes itself.
Let's get a look.
Well, this roof sustained some damage.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
This isn't damage.
- Just some shitty building.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, God.
O'Brien just pulled a teddy bear out of the ruins of a house.
Okay, complete 180.
This is a campaign visit.
Go get Tom now.
- Ahem! - Want to give me some sunscreen? - Yeah.
- It's pretty bright out.
It is so bright out.
- Right? - Yes, ma'am.
It's a campaign visit again.
Hey.
You see? It's a different ball game on a presidential level.
Charm only gets you so far.
You're right, ma'am.
There's a lot more to - We love you, Tom! - To it than that.
- Mm-hmm.
How are you? - I'm good.
- Hey.
Tom James.
- Patrick Murray.
What do you do here, Patrick? I basically cut hard dentil mouldings.
You're the guy I've been looking for.
I've worked here 17 years, ma'am.
Oh, thank you.
Are you able to emboss harder species of wood? Yeah, we emboss hard maple right here.
Can you combine that? - The emboss and the dentil moulding? - Yes, sir, you can.
Sue around? Whew.
Thanks.
- It's too ornate, right? - Exactly.
You don't want to do it.
I know I don't.
Hey, I'm gonna have to cut you off.
- He's a chatterbox, isn't he? - Yes, he is.
- Come on, let's go.
- Take care.
Tom James.
You don't have to say hi to them.
We've already said hi to these folks.
Come on.