Workaholics s04e06 Episode Script

All right, pledges, drunk and loud.
When I say "chug," you say "beer!" Chug! All: Beer! Chug! All: Beer! Now chug those beers! [All cheering.]
- Yeah! - Whoo! [Laughing.]
Say, that was a solid chant, right? Probably a frat guy.
Why were we never in frats? I know, I've heard so many cool rumors, like frat guys just have boink fests with frat girls.
That's not a rumor, man, that's true.
- Really? - Yeah.
I was gonna be in a frat, but then I decided it wasn't for me after they told me that it wasn't for me.
They made it pretty clear, actually.
Last call.
This is last call for drinks.
What? Come on! All: Boo! Dudes, we should have an after-party.
Yeah, get the frat house to that house.
[Laughing.]
- What does that mean? - What are you talking about? - Our house.
- Oh, our house, okay.
You need to explain yourself better.
Yeah, I was just rhyming and then Can we do this? And I know how to invite them in a super cool fashion.
- It's a party chant.
- Yes! Pledges! When I say, "after-party," you guys say, "15 20 Hallman Street.
" Yeah, yeah, and then I'm gonna just add on to that when I say, "should we bring our swimsuits?" You say, "well, yeah, weather permitting.
" - But do, because it's nice out.
- Right, right.
[Stammering.]
I'm I'm Guys, when I say, "what should we bring?" You say, "beer and booze.
" - It's a party.
- Yeah.
When I say "after-party," if you could say, "150-2-0 'Hal-man' Stree" is it "Hal-man," or is it Hallman? - Hallman! - It doesn't matter.
You just go down two blocks and take a left.
Uh, so, guys, just keep on raging, and we'll have the electricity back on in no time.
What the hell, man? You didn't pay the electricity bill.
I didn't pay the electricity bill? You didn't pay the electricity bill.
- It was your turn.
- It was my turn? It was my turn.
Damn it! - Yes.
- Well, where's the booze? Where's the booze? You mean my daddy's vermouth? That's the only booze we have, man.
Nobody wants to drink vermouth, all right? That's like dirty, old man, anal leakage water.
But it's booze.
Someone pooped in the shower again! Was it you? Is that why you left? This girl, I think, pooped in the shower.
- That's why she's leaving.
- Adam, you told me you pooped in the shower, like, three days ago.
I don't wanna argue with you right now, okay, Blake? Somebody pooped in the shower.
It's a dilemma.
Well, everybody's leaving.
W do something, Ders, come on.
Do s What do you want me to do? - I don't know.
- Here, okay, entertainment.
- You want entertainment? - Where you going? Hey, guys, no power, so we can't watch a DVD, but what if we acted one out? - All: Ooh! - Kindergarten Cop.
- Ooh, I'm a little kid! - You're a little kid? I'll be[French accent.]
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And I'm like, it's not a dog.
It's a ferret.
Who is that? Who is that? - I'm Arnold.
- That's Arnold? No, that's not Arnold.
That was a frenchman.
Look, and everybody's leaving 'cause you can't even do an Arnold impression.
- Dominic! - Oh, where is everybody going? The party's over, man.
We don't have any power.
Yeah, and we're all out of booze.
Yeah, and I pooped in the shower, or someone did.
'Cause I'm not willing to admit that it was me.
- This sucks.
- I got this.
All right, everybody, get back in the house! Party's back on! We're about to take a trip to the third world.
If you got a half-finished brew, that's a child soldier.
Pour it in this bowl right here.
We're about to make some savage jungle juice! - Oh, snap, that case of vermouth? - Yeah.
Into the bowl! - I got it.
- You got any kool-aid? Mask the taste, give it some color? - I got some crystal light.
- Yeah, I bet you do, bitch.
Ooh! All right, all right.
[Laughter.]
He's a bitch.
He is a bitch.
Okay, as your tribal chief, let me state the laws of the jungle.
You need to go to the bathroom, piss outside.
You need light, bust out your torch.
And if you wanna get smacked on some of this jungle juice, you gotta go National Geographic! [Laughter.]
That's right.
Tops off! Tops off.
Cool! - Who wants a cup? - I do.
- I'd love one.
- Let's go! Yeah.
- Hell, yeah! - We'll have some of that juice.
- Tops off.
- Tops off.
[All shouting.]
Oh, my God! Are frat chicks as crazy as they say? Fraternity brothers and sorority chicks are all [Bleep.]
machines, dude.
We're built for speed.
That's, like, a dream of mine.
I wanna be a [Bleep.]
machine.
Like, I would like to be a sybian, I dream of that.
Wait, you guys.
That's, like, really good.
- It's not bad, right? - It is.
Oh! You not hear my rule, you peasant? You want a cup? Nat Geo.
I'm all set, thanks.
Hey! You think you're better than this chick? That the rules don't apply to you? She wanted a cup, so she popped her top.
Party rules apply to everyone.
So I suggest you nip out Or ship out.
Just nip out, man.
Don't ship out.
You guys cool with that? Go on, bro.
You got this, come on.
Well, I got boobs too, man.
It's whatever.
[All cheering.]
Come on, everybody.
Let's get a beat going, like our ancient ancestors! [All cheering.]
[Tribal beat.]
Dude, who are you? I'm Ron burgundy? - [Laughter.]
- Are you? Oh, I'm just messing with you, lego head.
I go by Stan.
Stan halen, 'cause my real name sucks.
What? I go by Adam Dave Matthews Band.
Okay, whatever.
Hey! You guys like oakleys? - I'm a sales rep.
- Dude! - One for you.
- Seriously? Skip you.
One for you.
It's a sick job, I stack crazy bank.
Now let's get this party back off track! [All cheering.]
[Tribal beat.]
All: Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan! - [Golf club hits ball.]
- Fore! Anders! 'Sup, you lego head? - Ahh! - Ow.
Blake! Carrot top, more like carrot bottom.
- [Laughing.]
- Hey! Like he takes it up the butt.
[Laughter.]
Oh, hey.
You're here? I probably look like I take it up the butt too, right? No, man, you're fine.
Come on, dudes! Bar golfing day! Sunday fraternity tradition.
You're cool, dude.
I happen to have all-time legend status over at kappa zeta nu, aka "the zoo.
" [Laughing.]
Not bad.
Initiation night's coming up, and I can probably get you dick slaps in, depending on how cool you are.
- Are you serious? - We're cool, man.
- We're so cool.
- We're cool.
What do we have to do? You just have to prove that you animals belong in the zoo.
Now suit up! We're about to tee off for the U.
S.
bropen.
Oh, that sounds fun.
I've got that Happy Gilmore, like, hockey putter thing.
- Oh, classic movie! - Yeah.
- It is.
- "The price is wrong, bitch!" "A warm glass of a-shut the hell up!" [Laughter.]
"Why don't you go to your home?" That's my favorite part.
You gotta get that club.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, uh Oh, you know what, I think it might be at the office.
Or is it in the 'Vo? Have you guys - Hey! - I don't know.
Drink while you think.
- That's my main rule.
- Cool rule.
[Laughing.]
All right! I already drank all mine, man.
Mm.
Like, the whole time I'm thinking? You didn't stop thinking, did you? Okay.
Rules make drinking so fun.
Fore! Oh, here we are! Ow! [Laughter.]
I'm a pussy too, right? I'm a pussy! Can we lose this guy? Uh, well, he's, like, a work friend, you know? So If it's cool - [Laughing goofily.]
- The [Bleep.]
? Stop it! Hey, what kind of real bar doesn't open till noon? Hey, dude, it's cool.
I mean You don't get it.
This is the coolest bar off campus.
I made it the 18th hole because the college babes in here always let you play the 19th hole.
[Laughter.]
Both: The butt.
- The butt! - The butthole.
Oh, dude.
Honestly, I could probably run super fast to another bar and scope it out for us, starting now.
- Time me.
- No way.
Check it.
A jetta! Yeah, a jet So what? Go lay down in the street.
- Lay down in the street.
- What? Lay down in front of that car.
Now, plaid! - Okay! - All right, all right.
- This is safe, right, guys? - Yeah, he's just, like, testing our loyalty.
It's, like, a frat thing.
Stay down, peasants! All right, uh, they're not stopping! Let it hit you! They're not stopping! Please, stop! [Tires screech.]
No, they stopped.
- Gah! - Ahh! - You guys okay? - They're fine! And I'm Stan halen.
- Yeah.
- I'm an oakley rep.
Share the love.
Throwback shades.
Cool.
Yeah! I'd love a pair.
Let me guess.
Tri delts? Um, yeah, a few years ago.
But we're still besties.
- [Laughter.]
- We're kappa zeta nu boys.
You ladies wanna get drunk as [Bleep.]
And have some organized fun, like the old days? Unless you can't hang.
- It's on.
- All right, yeah.
It's on.
- Whoo.
- Chant it.
Stan, how the hell did you just do that? Jettas equal hot chicks.
Watch The League, you [Bleep.]
Andre.
- [Laughter.]
- What? You're a bitch! No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Leave 'em on.
[Whispers.]
Hey, Adam! Watch that boob.
- [Laughing.]
- [Laughing hysterically.]
- Blake! - Huh? - You guys look way hot.
- Thank you.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! - What are you - I'm tongue-[Bleep.]
-ing her.
What are you doing? - Do you not like that? - No! Can we switch? All right, cool.
Very cool.
- Keep the shades.
- Hey, later, ladies! Tonight was whatever for us.
[Inhales sharply.]
Ooh! - Oh, mama! - Oh, my God, dude! Uh, uh, uh, uh-uh, uh, uh I am feeling so good.
Did you see me kissing? That went on for so long! Eh, eh, eh, eh.
And she's like, "I want it, I want it.
Gimme some more, gimme some more.
" I don't know about you guys, but I feel like a real stud muffin.
- You look it, you look it.
- I mean Seven hours of making out is a world record! You were flopping that boob around.
- And she was - Oh! This dance just begun, brothers! I'm freakin' proud of you pussies.
That was so fraternity.
That's what I was thinking.
I was literally thinking like, "oh, my God, this is so fraternity.
" Yeah, I just said that, Adam.
You know my name.
All right, enough B.
S.
! We're behind schedule.
[Stammering.]
What is that! - Is that pesticide? - Nope, bushmills.
'Cause you know where we're going, gentlemen? We're going gardening at a beer garden! Let's roll! Dude, that sounds awesome! But, uh, we're a little bushed from already From gardening those hoes.
- [Laughter.]
- Yeah.
We used the hoes to garden.
Yeah, and I know I wouldn't mind whacking my weed downstairs.
That is not freakin' cool! We're hitting Karl Strauss right now, unless you've got another friend with all-time legend fraternity status.
No! We don't have any friends.
- Let's party! - Yeah! - [All yelling.]
- Get some! Ah, this sucks, dude.
Oh! Look at this crew! Who knows what day it is? I do.
It's Monday.
Initiation day! Tonight, you pledges become members of kappa zeta nu.
Which means we gotta drink the house dry.
Right now! - Let's do it.
- Oh, man.
Come on, I'm too sleepy though.
Yeah, we're into it.
We just we need a little break.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you guys on your periods? All: No.
Well, that's too bad, 'cause I am.
- Oh! - Whoa! - Ugh! - Very gross.
Vodka-soaked tampon.
Alcohol absorbs, like, 50 times faster through the pooper.
- That's cool.
- It's science! It's gross, man! And dangerous, for sure.
Don't be gay.
Put this in your butt.
No.
You put this in your South mouth right now, or no kappa zeta nu! I'm not putting anything up my butt.
That is a privileged area for my first wife only, if she so wants to explore there.
Ain't a damn thing changed.
I'll do it.
It'll be an honor.
You don't have to.
Just shove it right up there, huh? Ew.
Good decision.
You [Bleep.]
bitch! [Laughing.]
Yeah! - It's too late.
- I'm a bitch! - Whoo! - Later, boys! Kappa zeta nu only.
Whoo! I'm part of the zoo! [Mimicking monkey.]
[Barking.]
It's like a monkey-dog.
Stick that up your ass now, you pussy! Yes, sir.
Oh! Wow! Oh! Ho! Oh, my God, it's like my butthole grabbed it.
That was easy! It just I mean, like, hazing is one thing.
But you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Oh, yeah, you start talking about putting stuff in my back door, I'm leaving out the front door with my dignity.
I got dignified butthole.
Hang on a second.
It's my phone again.
Adam again.
I just let me just see what they're doing.
Well, no! Adam, hey, bud! We don't wanna join your frat, and that's that! - Turn it off, please, man.
- Okay, all right.
Come on! I need to sleep, Anders.
It's off! I was listening to your convo.
What? Hi.
I almost joined a frat in college myself, but they tried to make me chug a 40.
That's crazy, bill.
So I walked out on them, and that's how I got the bitchin' life I have today.
I've been to almost nine state capitals.
I'm greyhounding to Sacramento this weekend With flat Stanley.
We've been to des moines I don't care.
Something up my butt for 60 seconds, whatever.
Yeah, I mean, Christopher walken had a [Bad walken impression.]
Watch up his ass in Pulp Fiction.
Dude, that's funny! Do that for Stan.
- Yeah, man.
- That's a solid quote.
I've been working on that impression for three years.
[Mixed chatter.]
- Follow my lead.
- Yeah.
We know Stan, Stan knows us.
- Hey.
- Can I help you? Yes, we are here to be initiated.
Yeah, we were being real, uh, sigma newbs earlier.
But go ahead and shove a tampon up my ass! Sorry, who are you? Oh, we're Stan's pledges.
Better let us in.
- Uh, top pledges.
- Right.
- Oh, dip.
Stan? - Yeah.
- Halen? - Right.
- Yeah.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stan's trying to initiate people now? Yeah, well, he's got all-time legendary status here, so.
No.
No! Stan was never in kappa zeta nu.
Yeah, he's just an insane guy who lurks around and tries to party with us.
[Laughing.]
Yeah, man But that's probably a different Stan.
This Stan is, uh Well, he's a staunch fellow with, um, very - That's him.
- That's a picture of - That's a picture of him.
- I knew it, I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
I knew it, and I And I told myself I knew it.
He's alone in the house with our friend right now.
Be careful, Stan's, like, a real psych-bro-path.
Yeah, he's a, uh, bro-ciopath.
- That's funny, but - That was good.
- Here he is.
- [On phone.]
Come home! He's gone completely crazy! Oh, God! We gotta go.
Come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on! Oh, he's a He's a bro-mophobe! - Bro-mophobe! - Bro-mophobe.
Bro-mophobe.
Keeps going to his voicemail.
Come on, Adam! Pick up! Oh, no, dude.
I'm pretty sure they're here.
Come on! You don't know what we're gonna see.
Adam? Adam? - Jesus! - Stan! If that's even your real name.
Or Steve! Oh, I bet it's Steve.
Or is it Michael? You look like a Michael, man.
And I'm gonna be pissed if that's your name.
I'm right here.
Sorry, I fell asleep while standing.
- It's easy to do.
- Oh, no.
Oh, my God! Are you okay, man? - Oh, dip! - Oh, dip.
"Oh, dip"? Are we saying that now? Yeah, some frat dude said it, so we're gonna start using it.
Oh! Oh, I got I got hazed.
Looks cool, huh? Um Yeah! No, it's cool.
Yeah, sometimes you gotta reinvent yourself.
- Miley Cyrus did it, rihanna.
- No, shut up! Stop, Adam, stop! Look, here's the deal.
He was never in a frat.
Stan's lying to you.
- What! - Yeah, here.
- That doesn't seem real.
- It's real, trust me.
Dudes! You came back! I made you dinner.
Ahh! Stan, it's great to see you and all, but, uh, we think you oughta go.
We know you weren't in kappa Zeta nu.
Really? Well, if I wasn't in kappa zeta nu, would I do this? [Screams.]
[All gasp.]
Oh, yeah! - Whoo! - Cool! [Screaming.]
Oh, it's come out perfect! [Laughs.]
Wow, I might need one of you bros to blow on this.
[Laughing.]
We are starting our own chapter of kappa zeta nu.
And my main rule is, once you're in, you're never getting out.
Okay, hey, you get that hot iron thing away from us.
Ugh, it smells like barbecue.
Like a Memphis rub Aah! [All screaming.]
I'm the hero! Did you see that? I'm a hero.
Oh, shit.
Don't don't run into this.
- [Screaming.]
- Close the door! [Shrieking.]
Time to become fraternity brothers forever.
But where's the most epic place to brand you? The bicep? Maybe the calf? Drink while you think! - What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're thinking about places to brand us.
That means you gotta be drinking.
- That's your rule! - Yeah.
It's like a main one, right? Fine, my buzz is wearing off anyway.
They're all empty, bro.
We drank the house! That means you need to go on a beer run - and leave us alone.
- Uh-uh.
You can't leave pledges unattended.
I'll find something to drink.
Hey! Hey! This has alcohol in it.
Just an air freshener thing.
I'm not drinking that pussy piss.
Well, then you're breaking one of your number one rules, you peasant! - Peasant! - Yeah.
- Ooh.
- He's scared to drink it.
You're a scared little bitch peasant.
Go [Bleep.]
yourself, San Diego! Nice.
[Laughing.]
- Classic line.
- That was a good line.
It's so good! Once it hits your lips, it's so good.
Old school.
Milk was a bad choice.
Anchorman.
Anchorman.
[Groaning.]
We might have killed him, right? I don't think so.
What are you - [Screams.]
- Come on, hey.
- Oh! Try it, try it.
- Do it again, do it again.
- Here, let me do it.
- They're gonna know that - [Laughing.]
- Hey, guys, come on! - Just have one, just have one.
- Grow up, grow up.
If you're gonna do it, do it right on the ass.
Sick ride! We should cruise, pick up some rando sluts, film it, call this the slam-bulance! That's a great idea.
You sure you don't wanna come with us? - You look pretty bad.
- Literally.
Okay, best of luck.
Sorry things got so weird there at the end, Stan! Yeah, and, uh, go back to stalking those frat guys, dickhead! Oh, maybe we should take that down.
Yeah, or We could throw the most legendary kappa zeta nu party ever thrown.
I think that sounds Like an awesome idea, you pussy! Oh, no! You're a pussy! No, you're the party's tanking.
More importantly, out of vodka and hummus.
[As stan.]
Don't worry.
I got this.
Okay, so we're out of beer! But it's cool, 'cause this is now a "take your titties out" party! That is right! So, ladies, let's get those blammos out and blam out! - Whoo! - Blam on.
- Why isn't this working? - This is not working.
- Can I see your blams? - They're leaving actually.
- Can we? - Yep, they're leaving.
I'd love to see those blams.
This was better when Stan was here.
Let's call Stan.
No.
Are you crazy? He's in a psych ward, Adam.
We can Figure this out.
Okay, it's a It's a "no rules" party.
[Snaps fingers.]
No rules.
There's no booze, no rules.
There's no anything! Okay, we're gonna go think.
You think.
Well, rules is what makes drinking fun, so All right.
Hi.
I'd like to speak with one of your patients.
Stan halen.
You can tell him it's the Bitch-ass You peasant.
Sorry, your name's Stacey? Stacey, you can tell him it's the bitch-ass.
Nice.