1000 Ways to Die s04e07 Episode Script

You know, death ain't so bad What was that? As long as someone else is doing the dying.
Aah! We've got a last supper That'll make you squirm A misguided hunter who comes fair game A soccer fan who blows his own horn A couple of crackheads who get cracked heads Just relax.
An aging beauty who loses face And a multiorgasmic woman who lives in the "o" zone.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Is there life after death? How would we know? It's the next episode Of 1,000 ways to die.
Synced by Gatto Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day we fight a new war Against germs, toxins, Injury, illness, And catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle, Because every day we live, We face 1,000 ways to die.
Kim was a stubborn and very traditional Korean-american father Who believed no one was good enough For his daughter, suk Especially a westernized korean kid like reed here.
But kim had a plan.
He invited reed for a traditional korean meal.
- Korean families are very family-oriented.
And, um, food, you know, not only is served As a, um, eating purpose, But it also serves to harmonize the family.
And it brings the family together.
To drive his daughter's suitor away.
Kim's first course was odori or live prawns.
The shrimp was still trying to get away.
Reed was reluctant, but a gamer.
The shrimp wiggled its way down.
Next to slither onto reed's plate, A slimy, bottom-feeding sea worm.
Just the sight of it made reed want to cough up his shrimp.
But kim wasn't taking no for an answer.
Ah.
The sea worm just exploded with flavor.
Reed cried uncle when kim insisted on sannakji, Or live octopus.
Shh! Reed loved suk, but not that much.
Kim was going to show this americanized kid How a real korean does it.
Kim swallowed the octopus whole And thought he was ready for dessert.
But the octopus was a fighter And latched on to the inside of kim's throat.
- When the live octopus lodged itself in the throat With its tentacles inside the windpipe, Or the trachea, This man was unable to suck in fresh air, And he effectively asphyxiated, or choked to death.
All those sucking tentacles clogged kim's throat, And he choked to death.
Kim was set in his ways And didn't think anyone was worthy of his daughter.
But that kind of thinking It'll kill you.
oh.
Some women live their whole lives Without ever experiencing a full-blown, Muscle-clenching, toe-curling orgasm.
Not lucy.
She spends most of her day trying to avoid them.
Even a simple act such as brushing her teeth Can have her flashing her "o" mouth.
Oh! Oh! Oh! It's a rare condition called P.
G.
A.
D Persistent genital arousal disorder.
- The very slightest vibrational stimulation, nonsexual, Can trigger intrusive, unwanted stimulation Of the clitoris.
Some women actually carry an ice pack with them To relieve the 8,000 nerve fibers That the clitoris has.
And it's so difficult, 'cause they can't tell anybody what they have.
So it is a silent epidemic.
might sound like heaven, But for lucy, it was a living hell.
She scared off every guy she ever met Except Seth.
Oh.
Ooh.
This loser got a lot of sick pleasure By constantly pushing her "o" button.
Ohhh! You are awesome! One of his favorite tricks Secretly setting her cell phone on vibrate.
Oh! Oh! The thing with Seth he never knew when to stop.
He went a step too far when he poked her With a vibrating muscle massager.
It sent lucy straight into the "o" zone.
And she sent Seth On a skull-cracking trip to the dead zone.
- Tumbling down the stairs can kill you.
You can fall backward down the stairs, Hit the back of your head, break your neck, Fracture your cervical spine Right at the base of your skull, Cutting through the pertinent areas Of your spinal cord that allow you to breathe And control your heartbeat.
You don't breathe, your heart doesn't beat, You're dead.
Lucy's constant orgasms Made it hard to find a mate.
Oh! When it came to Seth, it was easy come Oh! Oh! Oh! Easy go.
Coming up, a hunter gets pelted.
And - No es gol! A soccer fan blows it out his vuvuzela.
- You're history, little critters.
Henry should've been born 200 years ago.
- You rotten varmints.
Ha ha.
In today's world, he was just a crazy, old coot Who spent all his time in the middle of nowhere Hunting and trapping.
Let's pretend you're God, And today is henry's last day on earth.
How will he die? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! How about the staked pit He forgot he built? Not bad.
But not today.
Whoa-ho-ho.
Oh, ha ha ha! Now, that'd hurt.
Why don't we try it again? Aah! A bear trap to the face? Pretty grisly.
- Aah! But that's not it either.
Oh! Ho-ho.
I can't get meat.
Let's give it one more shot.
Bull's-eye.
Henry took a bullet From another hunter's long-range rifle.
Traveling at 3,000 feet per second, It ripped through his body before exiting.
You see, in his skins, Henry looked just like another wild animal.
- The last thing that any hunter would want to do Would be to wear the fur of the animal That he's pursuing.
He could be easily misidentified as a game animal And be shot accidentally.
That's why it's so important To wear fluorescent-orange clothing.
Ha ha ha ha! Henry didn't fit in the modern world.
You rotten varmints.
His cause of death Wardrobe malfunction.
It's a well-known fact soccer fans are crazy.
Oh! And one of the craziest, Most annoying of them all is jose.
No es gol! - Soccer is something you're born with.
It's something you live for every day On a day-by-day basis.
It's something that you're very, very passionate about, Whether you're in school, work.
And soccer does come before anything else, Including the wife.
Always looking for new ways To be an even bigger jerk, Jose got himself the most annoying Noisemaking device known to mankind A 120-decibel trumpet called a vuvuzela, Which is louder than a chainsaw.
Back in the stands, Jose got busy with his noisemaker.
As his team started winning, he turned up the volume.
Every time this blowhard blew hard, He was one short and winded breath from death.
- An aneurysm is a tiny bleb, if you will, In the blood vessel.
Think of it like a weakness in a balloon, Which may pop up when you blow air into it.
Effectively, the pressure inside the blood vessel Starts going up.
If there's any weakness in the blood vessels, That bleb may open up and burst.
The blood starts collecting in the skull And it can squash your brain like a pumpkin.
Oh! If you are ever unlucky enough To find yourself sitting down next to an idiot like jose No es gol! - Just tell him to go blow it out his Vuvuzela.
Goal! Up next, a one-time beauty gets needled.
boop boop bee doo And a two-timing congressman Goes down in the polls.
Sidra was a former model and beauty queen Whose face had definitely seen a better decade.
Sidra tried every beauty product out there.
But her crow's feet had turned into eagle's claws.
Sidra turned to her best friend, kyle, Who brought over his lover, ravi, A plastic surgeon who made house calls.
- Just take heavy breaths for me.
Head back.
Just relax.
Excellent! Well done! - Oh, my god, you look great.
You're kidding.
- It's instantaneous.
- Oh, my gosh.
She was delighted with the results And wanted more.
- A mere $500 for two shots on a weekly basis.
But she couldn't afford it.
- Botox is a purified protein made from botulism toxin.
This protein is injected underneath the skin Into the muscles, allowing the muscles to relax And getting rid of fine lines and wrinkles.
Botox was too expensive, So sidra went online and researched her options.
She discovered a questionable procedure That called for injecting corn oil under the skin To fill in those cracks.
If that sounds stupid That's because it is.
After a trip to the supermarket, Sidra was ready to play doctor.
- If someone injected corn oil in their face instead of botox, Corn oil is a thick, viscous product.
So it would cause fullness underneath the skin, However, it also can get into the blood circulation, Causing damage to the tissues around it.
Over the next few days, Sidra turned her face Into a corn-oil-injected pincushion.
She thought she looked beautiful.
But in reality, she looked like an oil well about to blow.
This Couldn't end well.
The oil in her bloodstream was wreaking havoc Throughout her body.
She laid down and tried to sleep it off But when she woke up, Oil was leaking, And blood was flowing.
She tried to dial 911 but it was too late.
- This woman injected a large amount of corn oil Into her face to plump up the area.
The corn oil traveled into her bloodstream, Ended up in the organs, such as the lungs, the heart, Causing cell death to the organs And eventually to herself.
In her desperate attempt To regain lost beauty, Sidra discovered the new price of oil Death.
Carson Harold III is a U.
S.
Congressman, And he's having the worst election day In the history of politics.
Not only was he just voted out of office, His brazilian mistress just outed him And sold her sleazy story to the press.
It gets worse.
Carson's wife abandoned their sinking ship of a marriage And left him high and dry and broke.
Still not impressed? Carson took in all this bad news And fell down dead.
Now, that's a bad day.
What killed him? You could argue it was his penis Because when a politician lets that certain member Of his constituency do the thinking, Nothing good ever happens.
Carson met Gisele on a trade mission To south america.
For the next ten years, He could regularly be found deep in the amazon.
Oh, yes.
One night while sleeping in the bed Of his government-financed lover, Carson was bitten by a local insect Called a triatoma.
The locals have another name for it The kissing bug.
It lands near your mouth, Bites you around the lips, Sucks the blood, and then has a quick poop.
It itches, so in the middle of the night, you wipe it, And you wipe a parasite into the wound, And this is where your chagas disease comes from.
Initially, it felt no worse than a mosquito bite.
But for ten years while carson was serving his constituents And servicing gisele, The small protozoa hibernated in the fibers of harold's Heart muscle and continued to reproduce.
- Chagas disease affects 8 to 10 million people worldwide.
will succumb to it.
The heart will beat in a certain rhythmic pattern.
When you get an arrhythmia, This is a disruption that pattern.
It will not act as a proper pump, And this will cause cardiac arrest and death.
Carson harold was a corrupt politician Who enjoyed the perks and porks of his position.
He was living large on the taxpayers' dime That's perfect.
Until a tiny bug popped his bubble And turned him into the leading candidate For death.
It all comes tumbling down for two crackheads Up next.
- You don't ever tell me the truth! - What you talking about? - You're always lying! Don't be fooled by these two.
- You smoked it.
- You smoked it, didn't you? You smed it, didn't you? - Don't hit me.
Darnell and anita weren't just crack addicts, They were cold-blooded killers.
- I hear it calling me.
You smoked it.
They were wanted for a string of murder/robberies To feed their habit.
They have been holed up in a five-day crack binge In a hidden corner of an abandoned building.
Anybody in here? What was that? When they weren't too high to notice activity In the building, They always scurried into a corner At the sound of someone approaching.
Hello? Big mistake this time.
The building was scheduled for demolition that day.
The 12-story building was primed With 100 pounds of shaped plastic explosives On critical support elements.
Anybody in here? How did anita and darnell avoid detection? - When a team comes in to implode a building, They will have security there Both when they're on site working And during the nighttime hours.
Like security at any other building, There's a possibility, Particularly during the nighttime hours, That someone could bypass the security, Sneak over a fence, Uh, get in through an open window Or an unlocked door.
He's gone.
With the worker gone, Anita brought out some crack to celebrate.
- I told you it was here.
- I found it.
But this time, they were about to experience Much more of a rush than they ever imagined.
Explosives were detonated In carefully coordinated explosions That collapsed the building in on itself.
Darnell and anita were directly in the path Of 100 tons of rubble.
In a split second They were flattened and flatlined.
- When these two individuals were crushed by the 100 tons, The massive amounts of weight that the body had to take Destroyed every vital organ in the body.
Blood vessels tore up, the lungs shut down.
Their death was near instantaneous.
Darnell and anita were hardened criminals Who loved crack.
I found it.
Too bad, because this time, Their habit didn't just kill It crushed.
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