As Time Goes By (1992) s04e07 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # - Is this the right way round? - Hard to tell, really.
- Try it on back to front.
- Oh, I look like Napoleon.
Oh, now, look.
This is it.
This is me.
Front cover of the Tatler stuff, this is.
I can't see your face properly.
Put your head back.
Ooh! Sorry, sorry.
- What are you doing over here? - We're trying on hats.
You're meant to be helping me choose something to be married in.
- You're going to need a hat as well.
- Why do I have to? I look silly in a hat.
- I look silly in this too.
- No, you don't.
- It's nice.
- You hate it.
Judith? - You both hate it.
- I think madam looks very fetching.
You thought madam looked very fetching in everything madam tried on.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's the wedding.
I do understand, madam.
The bride's mother always wants to look her best.
I'm the bride.
I'm the bride! - Oh, madam, I do apologise.
I assumed - Don't tell her what you assumed.
I think your best bet is just to let her wander about on her own for a bit.
Yes, good idea.
I'll just hover.
I like this, I think.
I like the colour.
Yeah, it's an unusual shade of beige, that.
It's pink, isn't it? - Well, which colour is it? - It's sort of pinky-beigey.
- Or beigey-pinky.
- I thought it was stone.
- Well, yeah.
Could be.
- Yes.
That's probably what it is.
How are you supposed to see anything in here? It's like the London Dungeons.
- She's turning to jelly.
- Let's try on some more hats.
I don't think that Cruella De Vil wants us to.
What on earth's that? - Oh - Oh, Mum.
Don't be silly.
Of course I wasn't shoplifting.
You were walking off the premises, wearing one article and carrying another.
Four articles, actually.
I was taking this out of the shop to look at it in broad daylight.
Look, I can vouch for this lady.
She's my mother.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yes.
- And who might you be? - I'm the boss of the gang.
We always work in threes.
- I see.
- Look, for goodness' sake! - She's only joking.
- I am a serious person.
No, you're not, you're bumptious.
- Yes, you are.
Very.
- Right, you wait here.
Claudia, Reg here.
Assistance required inside door A.
I know there is only one door, Claudia, but it is known as door A.
- He's sent for Claudia now.
- This is ridiculous! Look, please, will you tell Reg that he doesn't need Claudia? - This is all a silly mistake.
- Madam shouldn't have set the alarm off.
- Madam is painfully aware of that.
- Would you just tell Reg? It's all right, Reg, I can vouch for madam.
I am prepared to take your word for it, Miss Fairbrace.
Madam is naturally somewhat overwrought.
She has a forthcoming wedding.
In my opinion, the bride's mother should set an example.
I'm the bride! I'm the bride! You've been a great help, Daisy.
I shall miss you.
Oh, it's been a smashing job.
Maybe the next one? If there is one, I wouldn't want anybody else.
- Good luck with the wedding.
- Thanks.
- Bye, then.
- Bye, Daisy.
- Oh! Goodbye, Mr Deacon.
- Oh, hey, did I give you my number? Er, no need.
I've got your number.
And thanks for the garter.
Bye.
What did she mean, thanks for the garter? - It was a little present.
- You gave Daisy a garter? - It was appropriate.
- Appropriate? Don't get all worked up.
It was a small private joke we had.
- Quite harmless.
- What is it with you and young women? Years.
They know I'm harmless.
- Yes, but a garter? - Do you like the second episode or not? What? Oh, yes, Li, I do, I do.
This ending, it's serious tear time.
- It's not sloppy? - Was Romeo and Juliet sloppy? - They killed themselves.
- So they did.
- Well, what happens now? - I fax this to Mike in LA.
He waves it under Sol's nose.
Sol says liftoff and you have a miniseries in production.
You left out Manny who will make minor alterations which will make it completely unrecognisable.
Li, he is a script doctor.
- What if the script isn't ill? - Then he's persona-not-needed.
Either way, you're on a roll.
So, what's your next project? - Getting married.
- Hey, so it is.
- Have you drawn up your battle plans? - I'm getting married, not going to war.
- I meant the arrangements.
- Oh.
Oh, Jean's done most of that.
Women seem to enjoy that sort of thing.
- Jean? - No.
A wet rag.
- Hello, Alistair.
- Hi.
Heavy day? Oh, no, I just nearly got arrested for shoplifting, that's all.
- What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
A security guard called Reg did all the doing.
I took something out to look at the colour in the daylight.
- Why would you do that? - To see what the colour was.
Listen, if this guy was offensive, I can be on my white charger in moments.
It's all right, it's all settled now.
- Why didn't you say that? - Can you hear me saying that? - No, that's the trouble.
- Come on, lovely lady, you are stressed.
- Of course I'm stressed.
- Then here's the good news.
Lionel has finished his miniseries.
Which means you can pitch in and help, Li.
Yes, of course I can.
But listen, if you two don't want to take the strain, if you want somebody else to make the arrangements from A to Z, just call.
- Who? - Me.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Alistair, but I think we'd prefer to make the arrangements ourselves.
Fair enough.
Whatever you say.
But if you do change your minds just bell me.
Now I think it's hug time.
- Don't start all that again.
- Not me! You two, hmm? I'm off to find a fax to set Los Angeles ablaze.
- I'll see myself out.
Ciao.
- Bye, Alistair.
Cheerio, Alistair.
- He does have some good ideas.
- What, the arrangements? - No, the hug.
- Oh - I'm sorry I was so ratty.
- You've been doing things on your own.
- Drink? - Yes, please.
These wedding arrangements, you know - I'm sure when you come down to it, there aren't nearly as many as people make out.
No, perhaps not.
- What's that? - Oh, this? Well, I've just made a few preliminary notes.
Why do we want the curtains cleaned? You're muttering.
What are you muttering about? It says here on page six, "Get curtains cleaned.
" - We must.
- Why? They're filthy.
I don't want my wedding guests looking at my curtains, saying how filthy they are.
- They look perfectly clean to me.
- That's cos you don't look.
Well, I don't peer at them, if that's what you mean.
Is that what you think the wedding guests are gonna do? - All stand and peer at the curtains? - There's a dry-cleaner's around the corner.
- I'll take the curtains to the dry-cleaner's.
- Thank you.
- I'll take all the loose covers, if you like.
- Thank you, that's on page seven.
Oh, now that is not necessary.
- Now what? - It says "Weed garden.
" You want the garden to look nice, don't you? Who is going to be looking at the garden to see how many weeds we've got? The same crowd who are peering at the curtains, I suppose.
- Just give me that, will you? - Clear out the cupboard under the stairs? Just give me that, will you, please? Thank you.
- You're not adding to it? - Look, could you be constructive? - Have you made your list? - Well, I can't compete with that.
I mean your guest list, the people you want to invite to the wedding.
Oh? Yes, I did, actually.
- Yes, could I have it, please? - It's in my trouser pocket.
Well, that's hardly Peru, is it? Oh, all right.
Now, we don't want anything silly on the cake, do we? - Just a cake! Just a cake! - Oh, that's easy to say.
Here you are.
- It should have icing on it, I suppose.
- Thanks for the tip.
- You've only got seven people on this! - That's all I could think of.
That's not very inventive, is it? Your father, Madge, Penny and Stephen, Judy, Sandy, and Alistair.
They're all automatic invitations, anyway.
I didn't know I was supposed to be inventive.
In any case, you can't invent guests.
You've put no effort into that, have you? You know more people than I do.
- Where's your list? - It's in here.
- How many people on that? - 78.
- 78? - It'll come down a bit.
- Oh, really? - Be very careful not to leave people out.
- They can get very hurt.
- Who are all these people? Who, for instance, is Stanley Gilchrist? Well, he's my chiropodist.
He's a sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life.
If that's the criterion, that list is gonna get bigger not shorter.
Don't just make sweeping statements about it.
Now just tell me one thing.
How on earth do you expect to get these hundreds of people into this house? There are not hundreds and that's no problem.
Guests spread out at a wedding.
- Half of them on the roof, presumably? - Right, that's done it.
Come on.
- Where are you going? - We're going downstairs.
- What, now? - Yes, now.
I want to prove a point.
- It's eleven o'clock.
- Well, there is life after eleven o'clock.
Come on.
Let's clear out the cupboard under the stairs while we're at it! Now, we'll take this part of the room first.
Now, you could fit 40 people in here easily.
Assuming they stand on each other's shoulders.
We'd move the furniture back and they'll all stand about in little groups.
Tell me, how much room does a little group take up? - Say, four people.
- About that much.
That's if they're all standing like this.
How much would your group of four people take up? - Well, say about that much.
- They're all really huge people, are they? No, not particularly.
You don't stand about at a wedding reception with your hands at your sides.
People have drinks in their hands and they make gestures while they talk.
Gestures! You didn't say anything about flailing your arms about.
- Maybe I exaggerated.
- Yes, you did.
Anyone who flailed about like that would need a room to themselves.
You gesture, then.
- Just naturally.
- Well, all right.
- That's not natural.
- Yes, it is.
People don't gesture like that.
Not unless they have extraordinarily short arms.
- Your people have arms like orang-utans.
- Do we have any graph paper? - Why do you want graph paper? - Do the room to scale.
Work out how many square feet each group needs and then divide that area into the whole.
Just let's organise this group of four first.
We'll be two people in a group of four and I won't do this if you won't do this.
- Fair enough.
- Now Now Now No! Well, you can't like the person you're talking to.
Nobody stands that far apart.
Your group looks like a rugby scrum.
Just move back.
- Further than that.
- Oh - You could get eight people in like this.
- Are you square-dancing? - Trying to fit the guests in this room.
- Comfortably.
- Right.
Let us know how you get on.
- No, no! You can't go to bed.
You can come and help.
We're working on a group of four and then we'll multiply it by the area of the room.
- Divide! - Divide, divide! - Two people.
- What if there are only three in the group? - Or five.
- Don't make difficulties.
Come on.
Now Now Now Now Now, we're four wedding guests.
Now, just stand naturally.
- It's hard, isn't it, trying to be natural? - Well, do your best.
- We are too close together.
- And now we're too far apart.
It's like the hokey-cokey, this.
# You put your right leg in Your right leg out # In, out, in, out, shake it # - Sorry.
- Thank you.
- We are too far apart.
- Can I just ask one question? - Do these people like each other? - That's irrelevant.
- No, it's not.
- Of course it's not.
If you like the person you're talking to, you stand like this.
Yeah, and if you don't like them, you stand like this.
- Now, I mentioned this.
- Oh What happens if you feel neutral? How do you stand then? - What, like this, this? - No, it would be much more - Straight on, like this.
- Mind you, mind you, you could like the person on one side of you and not the other.
- You could.
- Well, in that case Oh, for goodness' sake, stop it.
We are now in the realms of the imponderable.
I mean, groups change, people move in and out of groups.
How can we possibly be expected to make sure that each group is compatible? What do we do, vet them at the door as they come in and colour-code them? - I need some graph paper.
- And I need a sit-down.
You two hadn't actually gone to bed when you started thinking about this, had you? I was just trying to prove we could get the guests in, that's all.
- How many will there be? - Several hundred.
- 78.
- 78? - It might come down a bit.
- Well, there's always the garden.
Yes, of course there is.
- If it's a nice day.
- Needs weeding, of course, the garden.
You just get on with your calculations.
Oh, I don't know.
I thought there would be Never mind, Mum.
Sandy and I will help.
Of course we will.
We'll work our fingers to the bone and everything will be perfect.
- Yes? - You may be interested in these figures.
Erm No.
Actually, I think I'd better get my beauty sleep.
Yes, so do I.
I'm sorry, we just don't have your stamina.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Are you interested in these figures? - It depends what they prove.
Well, I have to admit, they prove that you were right.
Of course! As a matter of fact, we can get 56 people into that part of the room.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
- Look, room area of, say, 168 square feet.
- Yes.
Now, I've taken each group of people as taking up 12 square feet.
That's without waving their arms about or leaving them at their side.
Yes, all right.
And four to a group multiplied by 14 equals 56 people.
- Good gracious.
- I blacked out the squares to make certain.
- Yes, there are no white squares at all.
- No, I know! - Oh - All those squares are people.
There's no space at all.
No wonder you could get 56 people in there.
- I'll have to start all over again.
- No, we've done enough people-packing.
- Let's go back to bed.
- We should never have left it.
I think I'll have a custard tart.
Do you want one? Oh, not really, no.
Oh, filthy! - Where's Jean? - Upstairs.
Why? Is that a weed or not? I don't know.
It's got a flower on it.
Yes, I know, but it could still be a weed.
- I think it is a weed.
- You want it to be, don't you? Yes.
I've pulled up quite a few already.
- How are you getting on? - I don't know half these people.
I don't think Mum knows half these people.
- It's getting out of hand, isn't it? - Well, weddings tend to do that.
Oh, damn and blast! That's Lionel trying to take the curtains down.
I'll come and give you a hand in a minute.
I nearly broke my arm then.
Oh! Oh, have you got to Aunt Win yet? - No, I'm only up to the D's.
- Oh.
- Who's Aunt Win? - Not a real aunt, a friend of my mother's.
She must be very old now.
When you get to her, ask if she'd like us to send a car.
- Right, where does she live? - West Wales.
- What have you got there? - What? A weed.
- I'm weeding.
- Oh.
Well, it's probably easier to use a trug.
Oh, I am.
This is just a stray weed.
I'll get on, then.
Alistair.
Hi, Li.
Oh, damn and blast.
Will you come down? I found Aunt Win but she's crossed out.
- Why? - How should I know? - Oh, dear! - What? I've just remembered.
She's dead.
Well, I am sorry, but it'll save a fortune on the car hire.
Lionel's out of sorts.
Hi, Judy.
- Hello.
- Lovely lady.
This is for you.
Your wedding clobber.
Alistair, you can't buy me my wedding clobber.
- I haven't.
- Oh.
Oh This is that suit I liked in the shop before it all got out of hand.
I know.
If you didn't buy it, what are you doing with it? You haven't taken up shoplifting? Please! No, I just steamed in and, as your solicitor, pointed out a few things.
- My solicitor? - Yes.
I alerted them to the possibility of civil action on your part.
Defamation of character, wrongful imprisonment, slander.
They came round to my way of thinking.
With their compliments.
And if you don't like it, they'll change it.
- Alistair! - It was just bluff.
Don't knock bluff.
Bluff can move mountains.
So, how are the battle plans going? - Oh, you know.
- A shambles! Then why not let me arrange everything? Hmm? Modesty forbids me to say that I am brilliant at organising, but I am brilliant at organising.
To tell you the truth, there's nothing I'd like better.
- So what's the prob? - They're not meant for normal fingers.
They're not meant for normal fingers at all.
Mum, he doesn't sound like he's having a wonderful time.
But you know Lionel.
He's very proud.
- After all, it is his wedding.
- It's yours as well.
I think we need to interface.
- Sorry about the language.
- I've heard worse.
- Do you want a hand? - No, thanks.
It's become a personal thing with me and those curtains now.
- They're just little hooks.
- I know they're just little hooks.
Obviously designed by somebody who never wanted the hooks to be unhooked.
- Oh, that's very kind of you.
- They're not for you.
- They're for me and Sandy.
- Look, I will get those curtains down.
It's nothing to do with the curtains.
Alistair's here.
He'd like a word.
Oh, all right.
Those are pansies, by the way.
Have your drink and we'll replant them.
A restaurant? - I hadn't considered a restaurant.
- Then consider.
You have a close crowd round here for drinks then everybody meets up at the restaurant for the big bash.
You get a good deal on the food and wine and anything that gets trodden into the carpet has nothing to do with you.
Oh, I like that bit especially.
Hi, Li.
We need to talk.
If it's to do with Mike and Manny and Sol not liking the script, they can all jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
D for Geography.
The Golden Gate Bridge is in San Francisco.
Tell them to drive up there, then.
I didn't come to talk about your script.
I came to talk to you about the wedding arrangements.
There's a big thick file somewhere that will answer all your questions.
And a lot more you haven't even thought of yet.
Will you stop being narky and just listen? You get narky every time you look at it.
Hey, hold up, hmm? This is what I mean.
This is stress.
And I can take it all away from you just like that.
- Let me make the arrangements.
- Why would you want to do that? - Lionel! - Because in plain speak, Lionel, I am very fond of both of you.
- Oh.
- And hey! I know what a hassle this is for you.
Fixing things is meat and drink to me, hmm? It's water off a duck's back, it's shooting fish in a barrel.
Talking of food, now, Alistair has a wonderful idea.
Why don't we have the reception in a restaurant? That way, we can stop arguing about square people in square feet.
What sort of restaurant? Le Gavroche, San Lorenzo, Bibendum.
You name it.
Or we could go really off the wall and have a burger bash at Planet Hollywood.
A what at where? - Or something simpler.
- Yes, that too.
And I'm not just talking food.
I'm talking flowers, cards, photographers.
I'm talking the whole package.
It's nothing I could take much pride in, is it? - A man who couldn't arrange his own wedding.
- Not couldn't, Lionel.
Allowed a good friend to do it for him.
I'm surprised you're in favour, which you obviously are.
I thought about it and came to the conclusion that, at my age, taking the easy way out is not to be despised.
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
I mean, we have made a start.
Well, yes Well, I'm very grateful for the offer, Alistair.
Just let me think about it.
Whatever you say.
You know where to reach me.
Thanks, Alistair.
That's it! Get him back.
Alistair! Alistair! He's thought! Oh! Do you think I should tell Alistair to make sure there's some vegetarian food? No.
Well, what about railway timetables for people coming by train? - No.
- Well, what about? What about doing what you said you were going to do and leaving it all to Alistair? It wasn't the curtain pole that made you change your mind, was it? To tell the truth, I liked the idea the minute he mentioned it.
All I had to do was overcome some dated reservations.
Like what? Like carrying your lady's favour into battle.
Oh, you did say dated.
Then I realised I already had my lady's favour.
Which considering where we are is just as well.
Quite.
Let the squires prepare the feast.
Next Saturday we are the king and queen.
Buss me, my lord.
What? - Give us a kiss.
- Oh! Oh, I shall probably shake like a leaf.
- Your hat will wobble.
- Oh, I haven't got a hat! - Well, you've got all week to get one.
- Oh Don't answer if it's too personal but did you shake like a leaf when you married David? - Oh, that is very personal.
- I said it was.
Well, no, as a matter of fact, I didn't.
I did love him but I didn't shake like a leaf.
- What about your wedding in Kenya? - Oh It was summer, so we had the service in the garden.
Some of the male guests wore shorts.
Great, baggy khaki jobs with legs of about four feet wide.
- I had flick-ups.
- Flick-ups! Whatever happened to them? They went the way of the big khaki shorts, I expect.
And it rained all day.
I was so worried my flick-ups would go limp.
Well, we shan't have to worry about the weather.
Alistair will arrange that.
You should've seen his face when Daisy said, "Thanks for the garter.
" - Did you tell him it was my idea? - No, of course I didn't.
- This wedding of yours - Next week is this wedding of mine.
Well, that wedding, then.
When you said "I do," did you mean it? Yes.
Did you? I suppose I meant, "I do, but with reservations.
" You don't have to say it at all in the registrar's office.
- We make a kind of statement.
- Doesn't have the same ring as "I do.
" No, but still Still Good night.
Good night.
- Lionel? - Yes? I do.
I do too.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #