Bewitched (1964) s04e07 Episode Script

Just a half a cup, honey.
I won't have time for a full cup.
Should be light in 15 minutes.
I'm gonna be out on the driving range.
Darrin, aren't you overdoing this a little? I mean, what can you possibly expect to see by the dawn's early light outside of a flag? Lt'll just be a couple of more days until Larry and I play with Joe Baxter.
I want to make a good impression.
After we play, then I'll relax.
Well, that'll Darrin? Darrin? Oh, Prince Charming.
He's a barrel of jollies, isn't he? Mother, what are you doing here? Darling, the Rajah of Ramapore is having those marvellous elephant races today and I asked the old dear if I could bring you.
- Mother, we are going nowhere.
- What a drudge.
Thank you.
What's with what's-his-name? I know he was born tired, but why is he exhausted? Well, he's after a very big account, a sporting-goods company.
And the president of the company is an excellent golfer.
And if Darrin makes a good showing on the golf course he gets the account.
Oh, you're joshing.
- It's not really as silly as it sounds.
- Oh, I do hope not.
Darrin was a very good golfer in his college days.
All he wants to do is get his old game back and he'll be happy.
You silly little witch.
Don't you know how it is with mortals and games? They're never satisfied.
They get a little better, they want to get a lot better.
They get a lot better, they play all the time.
Soon he'll be living at the golf course.
Which, I guess, is a good deal better than living here.
Mother, the elephants are in the starting gate.
Hadn't you better get back to India? Goodbye, Mother.
Darrin.
Eye of newt and scale of fish Give this mortal his stupid wish Let those clubs achieve his aim Give him back his college game Darrin? Fore! - Do you mind if I play through? - Oh, no, go ahead.
No.
What? I gotta go.
I can get in two buckets of balls and a fast nine holes before I go to the office.
You know, Sam, it really doesn't hurt getting up early.
- It doesn't? - No, it makes you feel great.
Sharp, alert.
Goodbye, honey.
Darrin, you forgot something.
I'm sorry, honey, I didn't kiss you, did I? Bye.
I know you feel sharp and alert, sweetheart but you still can't play golf without your clubs.
Yeah.
- Hello.
- Honey, I got it.
My game came back to me.
The rhythm, the swing, everything.
Well, congratulations.
I knew you could do it.
I told you.
Just a little time, patience.
You can relax a little now, huh? Are you kidding? Now I really gotta pour it on.
But, Darrin, you said all you wanted was Honey, I can't let up now.
A, I gotta get ready for Baxter and B, there's no reason why I can't be club champion.
And C, I'll send your pyjamas to the club so that you can sleep in the locker room.
Hey, honey, what do you take me for? Some kind of a nut? I'm sorry, sir.
I can neither confirm nor deny.
Well, honey, I'll talk to you later.
Darrin, you're late.
Now, where have you been? Out swinging for the old company.
Oh, Larry, I've got it.
I shot a 38 on the first nine.
A 38, buddy boy.
I had one out of bounds and rimmed the cup on two greens.
Great.
Baxter's in my office.
We've been waiting for you.
I should have shot a 34.
You know that par 5 on the back nine? Out there 260 yards.
I took out the 3-wood and crack.
On the green, putting for an eagle.
Yeah, that's fine, Darrin I played it with a break to the left broke straight in, so I tapped in for a birdie.
Next hole Darrin, I wanted you to sharpen up your game, but this is ridiculous.
You never were any good so you wouldn't understand.
That great feeling, that surge of power.
All right, Darrin.
Come along quietly.
Don't you wanna hear about the 15th hole? It was great.
Joe, I'd like you to meet Joe? Well, where'd he go? Just loosening up a little.
Joe, I'd like you to meet my associate, Darrin Stephens.
Hey, quite a grip you got there, fella.
Not like our friend Flabby Larry here, huh? I make a point of keeping myself in condition.
He's the brawn.
I'm the brains.
That doesn't necessarily follow.
It takes muscle to pump oxygen and vitamins to the brain cells to clean them up.
I think Joe's trying to tell you you've got a dirty mind.
Maybe not dirty, but certainly clogged up.
Right, Darrin? Well, can we get down to business? Now, Joe, about that account.
I'm very anxious to get started.
- All in good time.
I have read the brochures, seen the presentation.
Very creative.
But I don't feel that I know the real man until I've played golf with him.
I learn a lot about a man that way.
Especially when I beat him, which is usually.
I intend to give you a good run for your money, Joe.
- Is that right? - Yes, sir.
We're both planning to learn a lot from watching you play, Joe.
Why don't you bring your wives and join Mrs.
Baxter and me for lunch at the club tomorrow before the game.
It'll be our pleasure.
My wife won't be able to make it.
She's visiting her mother.
Oh, your mother-in-law's sick? You have no idea.
Well, see you at the club tomorrow at 12:30 for lunch.
Good.
It's a custom of mine.
Fattening up my victims before I lead them to slaughter.
- See you tomorrow, Joe.
- Right.
- Twelve-thirty, right? - Right.
Bye-bye.
Darrin? You're not going to do something stupid like try to beat Joe Baxter? Larry, you're the one who's been bugging me to get my game up.
All right.
Just don't overdo it.
Well, there's time yet for two more plays.
We were two points behind.
Tough spot for a quarterback, which is me.
Now, this is the way we were lined up.
- Here I am.
- Substitution.
You should be the pepper, Mr.
Baxter.
Well, I like that.
Thank you, Samantha.
Well, I called for a pass play, green, J5, out 6.
I got a bad pass from centre.
By the time I got control of the ball, my receivers were covered and they were coming in on me.
Gee, Joe, what happened? Come on, what'd you do? It was the last play the last game of my senior year at Poly Prep.
We were two points behind, but we won.
- How did I do it? - I know.
I know.
Can I tell? I got myself loose, I faded back - Are you ready for this? - He drop-kicked it.
How about that? Thanks, Margaret, for helping out.
I'd forgotten how the story ended.
Anyway, to me, a sport, any sport is what I call a dramatization of life.
That's a good thought, Joe.
A deep one.
Maybe we could use it in our advertising campaign.
Now, just a minute, amigo.
We don't have a deal yet.
- I think it's about time for us to tee off.
- Oh, we've got another minute.
Did I tell you what happened to me once with Sam Snead? Joe, please.
Just go and play, will you? All right, Margaret.
Well, enjoy yourselves, ladies.
We'll see you later.
- Good luck, sweetheart.
- Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Well, Samantha, what do you think of Joe's philosophy of sports? - His enthusiasm is amazing.
- So is his vocabulary.
Men do tend to run with the conversational ball, don't they? And I think it's a good idea every once in a while to throw them for a 10- or 15-yard loss.
You know the trouble with Joe? He really is as good as he says he is.
If only he could be beaten by some Sunday golfer maybe we'd have a little more normalcy in our lives.
There'd be a scream of anguish heard round the world but it would do him and me a lot of good.
How about that, Joe.
I never thought I'd take a single hole from you yet here we are on the 11 th tee, and I'm only three down.
- Your honour, Stephens.
- Oh, yeah.
It was that 5-iron shot that did it.
I had to hit down on the ball, give it plenty of backspin so it would hold the green, yet I had to clear that tree.
We know.
We played the hole with you, remember? I know, I know.
I just can't help bubbling over with Darrin.
Do you mind not bubbling over on us? Sorry, Larry.
Next customer.
You're playing over your head.
Now, cut it out.
It's bugging Baxter.
Come on.
Baxter likes a good game.
He respects a fierce competitor.
Only if he wins.
See that he does.
I like that one.
Hi, fellas.
We're gonna be your gallery.
Well, this is a pleasant surprise, Samantha.
- What are you doing here, Margaret? - I'm with her.
- How's it going? - Your husband's doing very well.
He's only three down.
Honey, you should have seen me on that last hole.
I was sensational.
All that getting up early and practicing was really worth it.
- But he does talk a lot.
- He talks a lot.
Shall we play.
Make sure you miss this shot.
- What are you using, Stephens? - My 7-iron.
You'll never reach there with a 7.
You better take a 6.
Just to show you what can be done if you put a little muscle into the shot l'll use my 8-iron.
- I'll get it for you.
- Thank you.
- It's your funeral.
What a beautiful funeral.
Knock it off, Margaret.
How about that shot, Joe? I think I'll try an 8-iron, myself.
I thought I told you to miss this shot.
- I tried to, but I'm just too good.
- Well, stop chortling.
First person who says "tough luck" gets this club rammed right down their throat.
You're driving him wild.
You're about to blow a million-dollar account.
- But, but, but - Darrin, it's only money.
And what do we need with money? Two poets like you and me? You're only two up, right, champ? I can count.
I'm afraid you're slicing right into trouble, right into the trees.
And out.
When you're sharp, everything goes your way.
Or do you suppose it's because you're shot in the pants with luck? Stephens do you inhale or exhale on your backswing? I don't know.
Joe, what kind of a dirty trick was that? I'm terribly sorry, Darrin.
I didn't mean to throw you.
Margaret, don't say a word.
Try inhaling on your backswing.
It seems to work for me.
I'll exhale, if you don't mind.
I think you can blame that shot on Stephens.
Tate, I'll think of my own excuses.
- Joe, all I meant was - It's your turn.
Shoot.
Here's mine.
Do you realize I'm only one down? Yeah.
And you're going to stay one down.
Darrin, are you sure you hit this far? Look, Joe, it went right in the tin can.
Go ahead and play it.
Joe, would you call that a natural hazard? - Oh, I would.
- So would I.
- Larry, can I borrow your wedge? - Just hit it.
I don't believe it.
I guess you'd call it lady luck.
I guess that makes us even, doesn't it? Look, Joe, under these extraordinary circumstances I think the only fair thing to do is play the hole over.
Tate, the only thing I resent more than his luck is your patronizing attitude.
What I meant was What did you mean, Larry? I'm terribly sorry, Darrin.
I couldn't stop it.
Where did your drive go? Right down the fairway, over 300 yards.
I wish you'd cough when I drive.
I'll give that to you, Larry.
That makes a nine for me.
I've got a sure birdie here.
All you have to do is hole out from the sand trap and you've got a tie.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Well, don't choke up, Joe.
All you need is a little 10-inch putt for a tie.
Will you let me putt? - Just straight in, Joe.
- Quiet! Darrin, I am deeply shocked by your whole behaviour this afternoon.
Yes, that's right.
Your smart remarks, your frivolous attitude toward a man who is a fine sportsman.
Here's your putter, Joe.
- As Joe said, you can learn - Do you mind? Not at all.
As Joe said, you can learn something when you play golf with a man.
And I've learned you're not the kind of man I want at McMann & Tate.
And I wouldn't hire a man who'd hire a man like Stephens.
What? Actually McMann hired him.
Hold it, boys.
Joe, I have an interoffice memo for you.
You may be president of the firm but it's my daddy's money, and I own it.
But, Margaret.
Maggie.
Midge, honey.
The account is going to a new firm.
The Darrin Stephens Advertising Agency.
Well, thank you, Mrs.
Baxter.
- And I assure you, that account - Wait a minute.
He can't do that.
He works for me.
- You just fired him.
- Yeah, you just fired me.
- It was just temporary.
- It was just temporary.
Well, Joe? I always said you learn a lot about a man by the way he accepts defeat.
But I never thought I'd be learning a lot about myself.
There's one consolation.
The winner buys at the 19th hole.
- Stephens? - My pleasure.
I don't suppose you'd be willing to teach me that tin can shot, would you? Actually, in performing the tin can shot, it's necessary to face the club.
There's a wonderful picture at the Lyceum.
Let's go see it.
You know, Sam, those drives of mine today as good as any Jack Nicklaus ever hit.
And that 8-iron shot that I laid stiff to the pin Arnie Palmer would take that any day.
And that explosion shot out of the sand trap that broke Joe's heart Darrin, I was there, remember? Wasn't it great? Did you notice the backspin I put on that ball? - When exploding from a sand trap - Darrin.
- Sam, I'm thinking of joining the tour.
- The what? I'm turning pro.
There's a lot of money to be made.
We'd enjoy the travelling.
And if I'm as good as I think I am, we'd be set for life.
Darrin I win a few tournaments there'll be Darrin Stephens golf clubs Darrin Stephens shirts, slacks, shoes.
And a Darrin Stephens hat, size 10 and a half.
I hate to tell you this, sweetheart but you didn't make any of those great shots.
Oh, really? You knew? Sam, even in my best college days I couldn't sink a 30-yard approach shot out of a can of peanut brittle.
Then you're not mad? Who could be mad? It was a good thing you did letting the hot air out of Joe Baxter's stuffed shirt.
I'll get your coat.
We'll go to that picture.
No, no.
You just stay right where you are.
I'll get it.
Sam.
So sue me.
It was worth it.