Black-ish (2014) s04e07 Episode Script
Please Don't Feed the Animals
1 DRE: The United States holds almost a quarter of the world's prisoners.
[CELL DOOR CLANGS.]
I'm steady tryin' to find a motive Motive Why I do what I do 2.
2 million Americans are behind bars, a 500% increase over the past 40 years.
Black people make up 13% of the American population but 35% of the prisons' population.
65 million Americans have a criminal record.
1 in 28 American children have a parent behind bars.
- We get our incarceration on! - [CELL DOOR CLANGS.]
If I get locked up They won't let me out They won't let me out Prisons have become uninhabitable.
It's easy for people to start feeling like numbers.
And one of those numbers happens to be my godbrother.
[TELEPHONE RINGS, BEEPS.]
FEMALE VOICE: You have a collect call from MAN: I need money.
DRE: And now you've met Omar.
FEMALE VOICE: To accept this call, say or dial "five" now.
We're sorry.
The number that you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
- [PHONE BEEPS, RECEIVER CLICKS.]
- Dre, was that Omar? - Yep.
- Why didn't you accept his call? Because this is the third time he's called this week, and he's constantly asking me, "Who was at the club last night?" I don't have the heart to tell him that the club is a Gymboree now.
- Dre, my goodness you sound so cold.
- Mm-hm.
He just wants human contact.
You can't just talk to him for a little bit? You talk to him plenty.
Beyoncé's looking at another Beyoncé, and she's underwater for some reason.
Now she's walking down the courtroom steps.
And there's water gushing out.
She's in a yellow dress, and she's mad.
[Gasps.]
She is so mad.
It's a Santa Maria Pinot Grigio, single vineyard.
Very earthy notes.
What would I be if I wasn't a doctor? I don't know.
A dancer? [LAUGHING.]
No.
Not that kind of dancer.
Omar, you are so silly.
You two have a very inappropriate relationship.
I don't send him pictures anymore.
[CHUCKLES.]
He traded those in for a cell with a window.
- You think I'm worth that? - RUBY: No.
I am just trying to make prison easier for him.
Prison shouldn't be easy! When I was on the inside, I had to do my own things to get extra cornbread.
Here we go.
You know how they say snitches get stitches? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.
Well, when you're locked up, snitches also [CHUCKLES.]
get cornbread.
Hey.
- Dre.
- Hmm? I just don't want him to feel so alone.
I love that you want to help everyone, but there's only so much that you can do.
I guess so.
- He's behind bars.
- I know that.
So you have to keep a healthy distance.
But his birthday's coming up.
We can still get him a cake, right? You don't have birthdays in jail.
It's true.
Technically, I never turned 39.
Oh, my God.
Or stab a bitch named Sheila in the belly.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got her! [SIGHS.]
That was an awful casual mention of you going to jail and stabbing Sheila, Grandma.
Huh? Oh, no, baby.
Grandma never went to jail.
I think you might be lying, because I just heard you say you went to jail.
[CHUCKLES.]
You heard that? Come on, Grandma.
I can handle the truth.
I shave twice a month now.
All right.
Fine.
Many years ago, I blew up Earl's boat.
Bad.
[EXPLOSION.]
[LAUGHING.]
I was charged with some aquatic crime, got thrown in some local maritime jail, and shared a cell with a sicko who got off on torturing dolphins.
Can you imagine? The angels of the sea! Wow.
- I can't believe that.
- Yeah.
Thanks for sharing your secret with me.
Ohh.
[CHUCKLES.]
An experience like that must have changed you.
Mm, no.
Not learning lessons is kind of my thing.
Okay, ready? Front, front, back, back.
Pat your weave, pat your weave.
I'm not patting my weave.
So, you don't care if we have a hot handshake? I guess you're happy with being replaced, then? Aw, the twins are here! Yep.
[LAUGHS.]
Aw! I'm Dylan.
Or am I Dylan? Ohh! It's just adorable! GIRLS: Yeah! Or do you want to stay two low-rent suckers with the same birthday? [SIGHS.]
Fine.
I'll pat the weave.
But call me "low-rent" again, and we're done.
[SCOFFS.]
Ready? Front, front, back, back.
Pat your weave, pat your So, am I the bad guy for keeping my distance when Bow's the one who's been leading Omar on by talking to him almost every day and sending pictures of herself to him? Probably in a bathing suit.
- Mm.
- Unacceptable.
[WHISPERING.]
I should probably see those.
Ch You know, just to make sure they unacceptable.
Dre, I don't like weighing in on your personal business, but you're right.
You shouldn't be associating with prisoners.
- They're animals.
- Whoa, whoa.
I never said they were animals.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're just people who live in cages, and regular people come and visit them and watch them through glass.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
- So, is Darrington over there - Mm-hmm.
is he an animal? Because didn't you hire him right from prison? Darrington has paid his debt to society.
He served six long months inside.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, you're talking white-collar, Club Fed, Martha Stewart time.
I'm talking real time.
What, Darrington's time wasn't real? Okay, he had to play doubles tennis, medium-rare was more like medium, and the only premium movie channel he had in there was Epix.
So, what did Darrington do? He bankrupted Burma and was caught with a gentleman's amount of cocaine.
- Oh, I loved cocaine! - Hmm.
Yeah, without cocaine, I wouldn't need these glasses or my pacemaker.
CURTIS: That's That's messed up.
See, my cousin got caught with a gentleman's amount of crack.
Same thing as coke.
And he got five years.
You know how much coke he would have had to have had on him to get the same sentence? 500 grams.
That's because coke is a white drug.
It's a magical powder that you snort through a rolled-up hundo in Aspen with boobies in your face.
Now, crack is considered a black drug.
It's dirty.
You smoke it through a rusty pipe, and there are no big old boobies anywhere to be found.
See, the system is built to hem a brother up, while you white folks just get a slap on the wrist.
A slap on the wrist? Darrington has to pick up trash on beaches.
That's the difference between white-collar and black-collar crimes.
We're treated unfairly while we're free, and treated even worse while we're behind bars.
So, why are you so mad at your wife for trying to improve the life for your jail friend? STEVENS: Look at that.
We just had an entire discussion about black people - with no mention of slavery.
- Okay.
This calls for a celebration.
Darrington! You still on the wagon? If he isn't, we'll know.
He's an animal.
Those coked-up monsters at work made me realize that I needed to start taking Omar's calls.
Hell, maybe I'd even let Bow send him a few more pictures.
- Dre.
- Huh? Dre, I just got the best news.
Omar just called.
The Innocence Project stepped in! He is innocent! Wait, what?! He's getting out! - Out? - Yes! - From jail? - Yes! - Omar?! - Yes, Dre! They are letting him out, and he's he's gonna get his life back.
Look at God.
All right, uh, so I suppose I should probably, you know, pick him up so he can crash here.
- Here? - Yes! - Omar? - Yes! - From jail? - Bow, you were the one that was talking to him.
Where else would he go when he got out? - Who got out? - Omar.
- From jail? - Yes! - Look at God! - Uh-huh.
So, Omar's free? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
A man who's been locked up for 10 long years without the touch of a woman is coming to this house.
Well, it's such bad timing, because I've lost the belts to all my robes.
Yes.
Ew! Dre, why does he have to come here? You were the one that said we had to keep a healthy distance from people in prison.
Yeah, but he's getting out into a world that doesn't care for him.
Bow, we need to help him.
We can get him a really nice room at AmeriSuites.
You once said the AmeriSuites was prison.
You can hear the ice machines all night long.
- Unbelievable! - What? So, when he was in a cage, you were just fine sending him food and pictures.
- And money.
- Money? Just like $300 a month.
Bow, you are basically his woman.
- No, I'm Dre, stop it.
- You hooked him up with the Innocence Project.
I didn't know they were gonna do anything.
Oh, you didn't think the Innocence Project was gonna get somebody off who was innocent? I thought he was guilty.
Well, he's not.
And he's out.
And I'm gonna help him.
Siri, get me directions to prison.
SIRI: Getting directions to AmeriSuites.
Told you.
[SIGHS.]
I keep telling you, if we want to beat the new twins, we need a chest bump at the end.
Say "chest bump" one more time! Hey, guys, can you keep it down? I'm juggling a lot right now being the keeper of the family secrets.
Uh, what are you talking about? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.
Let's just say I learned some pretty troubling stuff about Grandma.
- About her going to jail? - Oh, yeah.
She stabbed that "B" Sheila in the breadbasket.
Ironically, it was over cornbread, so You knew? Of course we knew.
We're part of this family.
Why am I the only one who's been kept in the dark? Because you're soft.
That's why they haven't told you about any of our family's ugly criminal history.
- What? - Dad went to mall jail for taking too many samples at the fancy candy store.
They found truffles in his undies.
And don't forget when Pops pretended he fixed TVs.
I'll get it back to you in no time at all.
[EXHALES.]
Coco, start the van! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, and don't forget about Uncle Omar.
He's in the hospital.
[SCOFFS.]
Think about it, Junior.
Who goes to the hospital for 10 to 15 years? Never heard of that.
Every time I think I'm closer to the truth, I'm punched in the face with another lie.
So, I was thinking, at the end, we should jump in the air and lightly touch the top part of our bodies together.
You know you're just describing a chest bump, right? I just believe in it so much.
It's easy.
All you have to Nope.
Mnh-mnh.
I really want to help Omar, but Bow? She doesn't even want to let him crash on the couch for a night.
And I'm gonna have trouble helping you with your problems until I see those bathing-suit pictures.
Are we talking two-piece? You know what? Don't worry about it.
I'ma just imagine something.
STEVENS: Look, I have to side with Rainbow in this, Dre.
You can't let an ex-con stay with you.
That's like letting a Princeton man alone with your daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on.
That would have killed at the country club.
You know what? I'm gonna text them, 'cause that was gold.
Omar is not an ex-con.
He's innocent.
They're letting him out because he didn't do it.
And if he's black and they let him out, he really must not have done it.
Well, just because they found the guy innocent doesn't mean that he didn't do it.
It just means they couldn't prove it.
It's all about what you can prove.
- Isn't that right, Daddy? - Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Stinker, hey, remember, we signed the little contract? Yeah.
So, shh.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I'm not supposed to let Omar stay with me, even though he is innocent? But you let Darrington work here.
Darrington has been rehabilitated.
Darrington has served his debt to society, and Darrington deserves a second chance.
Omar served a debt that wasn't even his.
Can he come work here? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, Dre.
We all know that answer.
This is ridiculous.
The only thing that Omar is guilty of is being in prison, and does that make him damaged goods? I-Imagine how hard it's gonna be for him to get his life back when he gets out.
He lost his house, his wife, years of work experience.
Yeah, life has marched on without him.
Bet he's never even seen "New Girl.
" It's messed up, man.
The system is really broken.
No, the system is shattered.
We put people in a machine that's designed to break them, and then we turn our backs on them when they come out broken.
I'm not gonna do that to Omar.
He's gonna stay with me as long as it takes for him to get back on his feet.
That's wonderful, Dre.
You have just let a Princeton Tiger loose in your house.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, this is wasted on you two! You know what? You know who would love this? Darrington.
Darrington.
Come here, you crazy, little coke freak.
Why are you making up the couch? I got the hotel room.
No, babe.
Omar's gonna stay here, all right? He He needs to be surrounded by family.
Uh, technically, he's not even family, all right? He's your old neighbor's son.
And I've loved talking on the phone with him, but I don't feel good about having a guy that's been in prison for years stay on our couch.
Oh, so now he's just a "guy"? Dre, you know what I mean.
- No, I I don't.
- He's not just a guy.
But being in prison can be very rough.
You have to go? What? Why? Lockdown? You got a cellphone smuggled in how? Solitary? Well, for how long? Are you okay? People come back, and it's like they have PTSD.
It's like they're coming home from war.
This is fascinating.
Please Please, tell me all about prison, Bow.
Oh, my God, Dre.
I know that things happened to Omar that he didn't want to tell me about.
We have no idea where his head is at.
Well, I know Omar, and he didn't let those things affect him.
You don't know that, Dre.
Bow, we are his last line of defense, all right? He deserves a chance to start over.
Of course he does.
Just not in my house, Dre.
It's not safe.
This isn't just your house.
Our house.
Our family.
He is not coming near either of them.
You don't just get to make a decision like that, Bow.
Yes, I do.
And I just did.
You tried to keep it from me, but now I know the truth.
Uncle Omar's in jail?! He just got out.
Even my secrets have secrets.
Grandma, I feel like I'm the last one to know anything around here.
You all think I'm soft, but I'm not.
My voice hasn't cracked in three months.
So you think you're ready for the truth, huh? Yes.
I want to know it all.
Okay.
So, you know, every beach is not a nude beach.
So, as we lay there together, Stevie Wonder said he could see.
So, apparently, you're not allowed to punch a policeman's horse, either.
So then I put my gun in Phil Spector's mouth.
So they look like little balloons, and what I had to do was swallow them whole.
[CHUCKLES.]
And just pray they didn't burst inside me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Or else it would have been night-night, Grandma.
[CHUCKLES.]
So that was the '80s.
You know [VOICE CRACKS.]
We're good.
- Okay.
- Thanks for the honesty.
Anytime, baby.
[CANS CLATTER.]
Dre, if you're trying to make me feel bad, can you do it without waking the baby up? You should feel bad.
- You're a terrible person.
- That's nice.
Since you made it clear that Omar isn't welcome here, I am going out to meet him, and I'm bringing him a few things.
Your "welcome to freedom" move is used hot sauce? The man completely missed the rise of sriracha.
Okay, Dre.
It's your call, but I would have started with a new phone.
Look, this isn't funny, Bow.
When I think about where Omar is right now, I can only go to bad places.
I think about solitary, gangs, and not to mention what happened with Kalief Browder.
- Oh, my God.
- The kid was innocent, and he was thrown in jail for years for a crime he didn't commit.
- They tortured him in there.
- I know.
And when he got out, he couldn't cope.
I know.
I know.
So he killed himself.
[SIGHS.]
That could happen to Omar.
But, Dre, you can't think like that.
How else should I be thinking, Bow? Right now, Omar's being dropped off downtown with $40 in his pocket and no place to go.
So I'm gonna be there for him.
With some Popchips.
GIRL: Hey! Cool! Ahhh Begin, begin Go, go, go, go Ahhh Begin, begin Break [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
GIRL #2: New hats! Hey, look, the twins got new hats! OMG.
You guys.
[LAUGHING.]
They're cute! - [STUDENTS "AWW".]
- Oh, Dylan.
Wrong again.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
BOY: Those hats are dope.
Why didn't we think of hats? Because we're playing checkers, and they're playing chess.
[SCOFFS.]
[DOORBELLS JINGLE.]
What are you doing here? Move over.
[SIGHS.]
For once, you were being the better person, and I am not comfortable with that.
This needs green sauce.
Ah.
I don't feel good about how I reacted to all this stuff with Omar.
I mean, if it were just the two of us, maybe it would be different, but we have children.
You don't think I've thought about this? I love most of our kids.
- Dre, stop it.
- Okay.
Oh, that that's just for the table.
What? What? Dre, how many people are you ordering for? The man hasn't eaten a delicious meal in who knows how long.
Okay.
And when he does get here, I'm still gonna order whatever he wants.
I'm not gonna lie.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
- [DOORBELLS JINGLE.]
- I don't know.
I'm nervous about who's gonna walk through that door.
But I do know that I'm supposed to be right here.
- WAITER: Here's your bacon.
- Oh, oh, I'll take that.
- Okay.
Wow.
- And your fruit.
- Okay.
Really? - Hey, um, do you think he's Muslim now? - Uh - You know what? I'll just eat the bacon.
Is there anything that's gonna stop you - from eating the bacon, Dre? - Mm-hmm.
More bacon.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELLS JINGLE.]
Hey.
Have you seen my phone? Has anyone seen my CD headphones? Has anyone seen my $5 million? Guys, I think we've been robbed.
Oh, my God, and on the same day that Darrington leaves for his trip to French Guyana.
Dre, do you, uh Do you have anything you want to tell us? Yeah, Dre.
Do you? Yeah.
Darrington robbed you.
Right! Right! Definitely! - Makes logical sense.
- Mm.
Still, Dre, I may have to go through your pockets.
[CELL DOOR CLANGS.]
I'm steady tryin' to find a motive Motive Why I do what I do 2.
2 million Americans are behind bars, a 500% increase over the past 40 years.
Black people make up 13% of the American population but 35% of the prisons' population.
65 million Americans have a criminal record.
1 in 28 American children have a parent behind bars.
- We get our incarceration on! - [CELL DOOR CLANGS.]
If I get locked up They won't let me out They won't let me out Prisons have become uninhabitable.
It's easy for people to start feeling like numbers.
And one of those numbers happens to be my godbrother.
[TELEPHONE RINGS, BEEPS.]
FEMALE VOICE: You have a collect call from MAN: I need money.
DRE: And now you've met Omar.
FEMALE VOICE: To accept this call, say or dial "five" now.
We're sorry.
The number that you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer in service.
- [PHONE BEEPS, RECEIVER CLICKS.]
- Dre, was that Omar? - Yep.
- Why didn't you accept his call? Because this is the third time he's called this week, and he's constantly asking me, "Who was at the club last night?" I don't have the heart to tell him that the club is a Gymboree now.
- Dre, my goodness you sound so cold.
- Mm-hm.
He just wants human contact.
You can't just talk to him for a little bit? You talk to him plenty.
Beyoncé's looking at another Beyoncé, and she's underwater for some reason.
Now she's walking down the courtroom steps.
And there's water gushing out.
She's in a yellow dress, and she's mad.
[Gasps.]
She is so mad.
It's a Santa Maria Pinot Grigio, single vineyard.
Very earthy notes.
What would I be if I wasn't a doctor? I don't know.
A dancer? [LAUGHING.]
No.
Not that kind of dancer.
Omar, you are so silly.
You two have a very inappropriate relationship.
I don't send him pictures anymore.
[CHUCKLES.]
He traded those in for a cell with a window.
- You think I'm worth that? - RUBY: No.
I am just trying to make prison easier for him.
Prison shouldn't be easy! When I was on the inside, I had to do my own things to get extra cornbread.
Here we go.
You know how they say snitches get stitches? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.
Well, when you're locked up, snitches also [CHUCKLES.]
get cornbread.
Hey.
- Dre.
- Hmm? I just don't want him to feel so alone.
I love that you want to help everyone, but there's only so much that you can do.
I guess so.
- He's behind bars.
- I know that.
So you have to keep a healthy distance.
But his birthday's coming up.
We can still get him a cake, right? You don't have birthdays in jail.
It's true.
Technically, I never turned 39.
Oh, my God.
Or stab a bitch named Sheila in the belly.
[CHUCKLES.]
I got her! [SIGHS.]
That was an awful casual mention of you going to jail and stabbing Sheila, Grandma.
Huh? Oh, no, baby.
Grandma never went to jail.
I think you might be lying, because I just heard you say you went to jail.
[CHUCKLES.]
You heard that? Come on, Grandma.
I can handle the truth.
I shave twice a month now.
All right.
Fine.
Many years ago, I blew up Earl's boat.
Bad.
[EXPLOSION.]
[LAUGHING.]
I was charged with some aquatic crime, got thrown in some local maritime jail, and shared a cell with a sicko who got off on torturing dolphins.
Can you imagine? The angels of the sea! Wow.
- I can't believe that.
- Yeah.
Thanks for sharing your secret with me.
Ohh.
[CHUCKLES.]
An experience like that must have changed you.
Mm, no.
Not learning lessons is kind of my thing.
Okay, ready? Front, front, back, back.
Pat your weave, pat your weave.
I'm not patting my weave.
So, you don't care if we have a hot handshake? I guess you're happy with being replaced, then? Aw, the twins are here! Yep.
[LAUGHS.]
Aw! I'm Dylan.
Or am I Dylan? Ohh! It's just adorable! GIRLS: Yeah! Or do you want to stay two low-rent suckers with the same birthday? [SIGHS.]
Fine.
I'll pat the weave.
But call me "low-rent" again, and we're done.
[SCOFFS.]
Ready? Front, front, back, back.
Pat your weave, pat your So, am I the bad guy for keeping my distance when Bow's the one who's been leading Omar on by talking to him almost every day and sending pictures of herself to him? Probably in a bathing suit.
- Mm.
- Unacceptable.
[WHISPERING.]
I should probably see those.
Ch You know, just to make sure they unacceptable.
Dre, I don't like weighing in on your personal business, but you're right.
You shouldn't be associating with prisoners.
- They're animals.
- Whoa, whoa.
I never said they were animals.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're just people who live in cages, and regular people come and visit them and watch them through glass.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
- So, is Darrington over there - Mm-hmm.
is he an animal? Because didn't you hire him right from prison? Darrington has paid his debt to society.
He served six long months inside.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, you're talking white-collar, Club Fed, Martha Stewart time.
I'm talking real time.
What, Darrington's time wasn't real? Okay, he had to play doubles tennis, medium-rare was more like medium, and the only premium movie channel he had in there was Epix.
So, what did Darrington do? He bankrupted Burma and was caught with a gentleman's amount of cocaine.
- Oh, I loved cocaine! - Hmm.
Yeah, without cocaine, I wouldn't need these glasses or my pacemaker.
CURTIS: That's That's messed up.
See, my cousin got caught with a gentleman's amount of crack.
Same thing as coke.
And he got five years.
You know how much coke he would have had to have had on him to get the same sentence? 500 grams.
That's because coke is a white drug.
It's a magical powder that you snort through a rolled-up hundo in Aspen with boobies in your face.
Now, crack is considered a black drug.
It's dirty.
You smoke it through a rusty pipe, and there are no big old boobies anywhere to be found.
See, the system is built to hem a brother up, while you white folks just get a slap on the wrist.
A slap on the wrist? Darrington has to pick up trash on beaches.
That's the difference between white-collar and black-collar crimes.
We're treated unfairly while we're free, and treated even worse while we're behind bars.
So, why are you so mad at your wife for trying to improve the life for your jail friend? STEVENS: Look at that.
We just had an entire discussion about black people - with no mention of slavery.
- Okay.
This calls for a celebration.
Darrington! You still on the wagon? If he isn't, we'll know.
He's an animal.
Those coked-up monsters at work made me realize that I needed to start taking Omar's calls.
Hell, maybe I'd even let Bow send him a few more pictures.
- Dre.
- Huh? Dre, I just got the best news.
Omar just called.
The Innocence Project stepped in! He is innocent! Wait, what?! He's getting out! - Out? - Yes! - From jail? - Yes! - Omar?! - Yes, Dre! They are letting him out, and he's he's gonna get his life back.
Look at God.
All right, uh, so I suppose I should probably, you know, pick him up so he can crash here.
- Here? - Yes! - Omar? - Yes! - From jail? - Bow, you were the one that was talking to him.
Where else would he go when he got out? - Who got out? - Omar.
- From jail? - Yes! - Look at God! - Uh-huh.
So, Omar's free? - Yeah.
- Ooh.
A man who's been locked up for 10 long years without the touch of a woman is coming to this house.
Well, it's such bad timing, because I've lost the belts to all my robes.
Yes.
Ew! Dre, why does he have to come here? You were the one that said we had to keep a healthy distance from people in prison.
Yeah, but he's getting out into a world that doesn't care for him.
Bow, we need to help him.
We can get him a really nice room at AmeriSuites.
You once said the AmeriSuites was prison.
You can hear the ice machines all night long.
- Unbelievable! - What? So, when he was in a cage, you were just fine sending him food and pictures.
- And money.
- Money? Just like $300 a month.
Bow, you are basically his woman.
- No, I'm Dre, stop it.
- You hooked him up with the Innocence Project.
I didn't know they were gonna do anything.
Oh, you didn't think the Innocence Project was gonna get somebody off who was innocent? I thought he was guilty.
Well, he's not.
And he's out.
And I'm gonna help him.
Siri, get me directions to prison.
SIRI: Getting directions to AmeriSuites.
Told you.
[SIGHS.]
I keep telling you, if we want to beat the new twins, we need a chest bump at the end.
Say "chest bump" one more time! Hey, guys, can you keep it down? I'm juggling a lot right now being the keeper of the family secrets.
Uh, what are you talking about? Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.
Let's just say I learned some pretty troubling stuff about Grandma.
- About her going to jail? - Oh, yeah.
She stabbed that "B" Sheila in the breadbasket.
Ironically, it was over cornbread, so You knew? Of course we knew.
We're part of this family.
Why am I the only one who's been kept in the dark? Because you're soft.
That's why they haven't told you about any of our family's ugly criminal history.
- What? - Dad went to mall jail for taking too many samples at the fancy candy store.
They found truffles in his undies.
And don't forget when Pops pretended he fixed TVs.
I'll get it back to you in no time at all.
[EXHALES.]
Coco, start the van! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, and don't forget about Uncle Omar.
He's in the hospital.
[SCOFFS.]
Think about it, Junior.
Who goes to the hospital for 10 to 15 years? Never heard of that.
Every time I think I'm closer to the truth, I'm punched in the face with another lie.
So, I was thinking, at the end, we should jump in the air and lightly touch the top part of our bodies together.
You know you're just describing a chest bump, right? I just believe in it so much.
It's easy.
All you have to Nope.
Mnh-mnh.
I really want to help Omar, but Bow? She doesn't even want to let him crash on the couch for a night.
And I'm gonna have trouble helping you with your problems until I see those bathing-suit pictures.
Are we talking two-piece? You know what? Don't worry about it.
I'ma just imagine something.
STEVENS: Look, I have to side with Rainbow in this, Dre.
You can't let an ex-con stay with you.
That's like letting a Princeton man alone with your daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, come on.
That would have killed at the country club.
You know what? I'm gonna text them, 'cause that was gold.
Omar is not an ex-con.
He's innocent.
They're letting him out because he didn't do it.
And if he's black and they let him out, he really must not have done it.
Well, just because they found the guy innocent doesn't mean that he didn't do it.
It just means they couldn't prove it.
It's all about what you can prove.
- Isn't that right, Daddy? - Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Stinker, hey, remember, we signed the little contract? Yeah.
So, shh.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I'm not supposed to let Omar stay with me, even though he is innocent? But you let Darrington work here.
Darrington has been rehabilitated.
Darrington has served his debt to society, and Darrington deserves a second chance.
Omar served a debt that wasn't even his.
Can he come work here? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, Dre.
We all know that answer.
This is ridiculous.
The only thing that Omar is guilty of is being in prison, and does that make him damaged goods? I-Imagine how hard it's gonna be for him to get his life back when he gets out.
He lost his house, his wife, years of work experience.
Yeah, life has marched on without him.
Bet he's never even seen "New Girl.
" It's messed up, man.
The system is really broken.
No, the system is shattered.
We put people in a machine that's designed to break them, and then we turn our backs on them when they come out broken.
I'm not gonna do that to Omar.
He's gonna stay with me as long as it takes for him to get back on his feet.
That's wonderful, Dre.
You have just let a Princeton Tiger loose in your house.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, this is wasted on you two! You know what? You know who would love this? Darrington.
Darrington.
Come here, you crazy, little coke freak.
Why are you making up the couch? I got the hotel room.
No, babe.
Omar's gonna stay here, all right? He He needs to be surrounded by family.
Uh, technically, he's not even family, all right? He's your old neighbor's son.
And I've loved talking on the phone with him, but I don't feel good about having a guy that's been in prison for years stay on our couch.
Oh, so now he's just a "guy"? Dre, you know what I mean.
- No, I I don't.
- He's not just a guy.
But being in prison can be very rough.
You have to go? What? Why? Lockdown? You got a cellphone smuggled in how? Solitary? Well, for how long? Are you okay? People come back, and it's like they have PTSD.
It's like they're coming home from war.
This is fascinating.
Please Please, tell me all about prison, Bow.
Oh, my God, Dre.
I know that things happened to Omar that he didn't want to tell me about.
We have no idea where his head is at.
Well, I know Omar, and he didn't let those things affect him.
You don't know that, Dre.
Bow, we are his last line of defense, all right? He deserves a chance to start over.
Of course he does.
Just not in my house, Dre.
It's not safe.
This isn't just your house.
Our house.
Our family.
He is not coming near either of them.
You don't just get to make a decision like that, Bow.
Yes, I do.
And I just did.
You tried to keep it from me, but now I know the truth.
Uncle Omar's in jail?! He just got out.
Even my secrets have secrets.
Grandma, I feel like I'm the last one to know anything around here.
You all think I'm soft, but I'm not.
My voice hasn't cracked in three months.
So you think you're ready for the truth, huh? Yes.
I want to know it all.
Okay.
So, you know, every beach is not a nude beach.
So, as we lay there together, Stevie Wonder said he could see.
So, apparently, you're not allowed to punch a policeman's horse, either.
So then I put my gun in Phil Spector's mouth.
So they look like little balloons, and what I had to do was swallow them whole.
[CHUCKLES.]
And just pray they didn't burst inside me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Or else it would have been night-night, Grandma.
[CHUCKLES.]
So that was the '80s.
You know [VOICE CRACKS.]
We're good.
- Okay.
- Thanks for the honesty.
Anytime, baby.
[CANS CLATTER.]
Dre, if you're trying to make me feel bad, can you do it without waking the baby up? You should feel bad.
- You're a terrible person.
- That's nice.
Since you made it clear that Omar isn't welcome here, I am going out to meet him, and I'm bringing him a few things.
Your "welcome to freedom" move is used hot sauce? The man completely missed the rise of sriracha.
Okay, Dre.
It's your call, but I would have started with a new phone.
Look, this isn't funny, Bow.
When I think about where Omar is right now, I can only go to bad places.
I think about solitary, gangs, and not to mention what happened with Kalief Browder.
- Oh, my God.
- The kid was innocent, and he was thrown in jail for years for a crime he didn't commit.
- They tortured him in there.
- I know.
And when he got out, he couldn't cope.
I know.
I know.
So he killed himself.
[SIGHS.]
That could happen to Omar.
But, Dre, you can't think like that.
How else should I be thinking, Bow? Right now, Omar's being dropped off downtown with $40 in his pocket and no place to go.
So I'm gonna be there for him.
With some Popchips.
GIRL: Hey! Cool! Ahhh Begin, begin Go, go, go, go Ahhh Begin, begin Break [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
GIRL #2: New hats! Hey, look, the twins got new hats! OMG.
You guys.
[LAUGHING.]
They're cute! - [STUDENTS "AWW".]
- Oh, Dylan.
Wrong again.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
BOY: Those hats are dope.
Why didn't we think of hats? Because we're playing checkers, and they're playing chess.
[SCOFFS.]
[DOORBELLS JINGLE.]
What are you doing here? Move over.
[SIGHS.]
For once, you were being the better person, and I am not comfortable with that.
This needs green sauce.
Ah.
I don't feel good about how I reacted to all this stuff with Omar.
I mean, if it were just the two of us, maybe it would be different, but we have children.
You don't think I've thought about this? I love most of our kids.
- Dre, stop it.
- Okay.
Oh, that that's just for the table.
What? What? Dre, how many people are you ordering for? The man hasn't eaten a delicious meal in who knows how long.
Okay.
And when he does get here, I'm still gonna order whatever he wants.
I'm not gonna lie.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
- [DOORBELLS JINGLE.]
- I don't know.
I'm nervous about who's gonna walk through that door.
But I do know that I'm supposed to be right here.
- WAITER: Here's your bacon.
- Oh, oh, I'll take that.
- Okay.
Wow.
- And your fruit.
- Okay.
Really? - Hey, um, do you think he's Muslim now? - Uh - You know what? I'll just eat the bacon.
Is there anything that's gonna stop you - from eating the bacon, Dre? - Mm-hmm.
More bacon.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELLS JINGLE.]
Hey.
Have you seen my phone? Has anyone seen my CD headphones? Has anyone seen my $5 million? Guys, I think we've been robbed.
Oh, my God, and on the same day that Darrington leaves for his trip to French Guyana.
Dre, do you, uh Do you have anything you want to tell us? Yeah, Dre.
Do you? Yeah.
Darrington robbed you.
Right! Right! Definitely! - Makes logical sense.
- Mm.
Still, Dre, I may have to go through your pockets.