Broad City (2014) s04e07 Episode Script
Florida
1 You know sometimes a 21 minute 15 second episode of Broad City isn't enough of the world of Broad City for me.
No, me neither.
Right after this episode you are gonna get behind the scenes exclusive footage of how our show Broad City is made.
It is like a behind the curtain look at Broad City.
Very informative and you're gonna dig it.
Stay tuned after the episode for a behind the scenes look at the making of Broad City.
- I love a good BTS - Me too.
- I love a hot BTS - BTS to the BTS, baby.
(BOBBI) Driver, I'm dying in here.
Can't you get the air up a little bit? (ELIOT) Mom, don't call him driver.
Yeah, they call this security, this guy.
Like, he's gonna stop anybody, huh? Esther Baumgarten? No.
No, that's my mother.
She's dead.
- Huh? - Dead! She's dead! Okay, go ahead.
(BOBBI) God, I needed to be slapped in the face with this Vitamin D.
I could feel my mustache lightening.
Yup, you told us and the TSA guy.
Oh, please, you're just grumpy 'cause you lost your luggage.
Yeah, I got this amazing suitcase that I saw on Refinery29.
- It's the one that Drew - Barrymore recommends.
Oh, Eliot, I am so sorry for your loss.
(BOBBI) It's insane that didn't do carry-on.
But, look, I had to check.
I had my shampoo and my conditioner.
And it's made especially for the humid ity.
Oh, yikes.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, no.
Welcome to Florida.
America's droopy dick.
Four and three and two and one-one (BOBBI) You know what? You could hold my purse.
Oh, thanks.
Ab, something I've meaning to talk to you about.
And I don't wanna offend.
I really, really think you need to change your profile picture on Facebook.
- You're not doing yourself any favors.
- Okay.
Why are you guys even friends on Facebook? What do you mean? I'm friends with all your friends on Facebook.
And I got news for you.
They request me.
She's right, I mean, I did.
A couple of times, actually.
God, do you feel this Florida sun? I am loving it.
- Bobbi Wexler! - Jesus! What, this? It's called "Stand Your Ground," snowflakes.
Hi, Eleanor.
We're meeting my sister upstairs.
We're here to clean out Mom's apartment before it's sold.
These are my three beautiful children.
These are Esther's grandchildren? Oh! Come, give me a big hug! - A group hug - How nice to meet you.
- (GUNSHOT) - Ahh! - What? What? - [BLEEP.]
Florida.
Hello, hello, hello! Beverly Baumgarten, we're here! Hi, there! (ALL) Hi! Aunt Bev, you look jah-mazing! Oh, you know, one SoulCycle a month ago, and I swear I'm still sweating.
Otherwise known as a hot flash.
Ooh! (BEV) Abbi, you're so much prettier than that pic of yours on Facebook.
(BOBBI) Right, I told her that.
Let me see this manicure.
What is that, "Trophy Wife"? - Second wife.
- (SNIFFING) - I knew it! She smells of mothballs.
- Oh, here we go.
You started cleaning out the stuff before me! No You have a lot of nerve starting before me.
I waited an entire year to come down here because you couldn't leave the city 'cause you might be getting "Hamilton" tickets? Sheryl's niece is dating an usher who could slip us through the garbage chute, but we had to be ready at any moment.
At any moment! (BOBBI) Don't raise your voice to me, missy! I'm the person who taught you how to insert a diaphragm! So let's just show a little respect! We're gonna go to the pool.
(ELIOT) Wait, my bathing suit is in my suitcase.
What am I gonna wear? I can't believe I have been on hold for two hours.
- Mmm.
- Jesus Christ.
Also, this bathing suit is so tight.
I can't believe Grandpa used to wear this.
Grandpa? That's Grandma Esther's suit.
- What? - I knew it would fit you, same hips.
Oh, my God, this is humiliating.
Oh, own it, boi.
Enjoy your beautiful body in a tropical climate.
So much better than disgusting N-Y-C.
So The key to sunbathing is to have a solid tan plan.
First I do my back, then I do my front.
I didn't say it was, like, a complicated plan.
Okay, so can you help me put on this 100 SPF? A dermatologist once told me that need to wear 100 SPF because I'm "devastatingly white.
" What is it, my [BLEEP.]
birthday? Turn around.
El, come on, you need this too, brother Too hot! Respect.
Excuse me, are you the new on-site mortician? I just loved Doris' eyebrows at her service yesterday.
No, I'm the late Esther Baumgarten's granddaughter, Ilana.
Oh, you're the one dating the gangster dentist.
Uh no, we, uh We broke up, actually.
Good for you.
Oh, dude.
- (LAUGHS) - The gun holder.
Amazing.
- (BEV) Pearls.
- (BOBBI) Crap.
Ersatz ruby from Little Richard.
Let's just cut the crap, Princess Ticklefeather.
Let's talk about the ring.
You really wanna get into that? You bet your ass I do.
All right, all right.
All right, Mommy would want me to have it.
- Ha! - It's probably the only engagement ring I'm ever gonna have at this point.
You are so full of shit, I need a plunger.
Mommy would've wanted that ring to go to Ilana, her only granddaughter, or Eliot even! So now I'm being punished because I don't have children? - Drama queen.
- You know, I still may.
Man, this place is so magical.
It's got everything.
Sunshine, warmth, greenery.
Oh, my God, is that an orange tree? So legit, from "Mutta" Earth, baby.
Real fruit that hasn't already been licked by a bodega cat? Oh, God.
Nuts.
Nuts! Man, I feel so good right now.
I just feel at peace here.
Of course you feel at peace.
You don't have the city grinding you down, twisting your titties till you're beggin' for mercy! Yeah, I don't feel anxiety at every turn.
There's not, like, danger lurking at every corner.
Good afternoon.
- Hello.
- Holy shit.
Okay, the gun thing is actually terrifying.
But other than that, dude, I'm like free! Other than that.
It's, like, why do we choose to live in New York? Why do we want things to be so [BLEEP.]
hard? It's like our lives are Richard Pryor's dick, and New York is the cocaine.
Yeah.
Wait, what? Richard Pryor, dude.
Pam Grier found an actual buildup of cocaine on her cervix 'cause Richard used to, like, dip his dick in coke before they had sex so that it would take him longer to [BLEEP.]
.
But, it's like, just [BLEEP.]
, man.
[BLEEP.]
feels amazing.
And that's what New York City is.
One giant delayed orgasm.
Instead of enjoying it now, we're just suffering through it so in like 40 years, we can say, "We did that! We lived there!" But until then, we're just constantly getting [BLEEP.]
by Richard Pryor's numb cocaine dick.
(SIGHS) Oh, an open house.
We should go tomorrow.
I bet they'll have free cookies.
Yeah, I bet they'll have a free toilet! What? I have to pee.
Oh, let's go.
Angels live in skies of blue Ohh (DOOR CLOSES) - This is huge.
- Yeah, wow.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello, sir.
Oh, my gosh, Ilana, look.
The kitchen is its own room and the windows It's a home.
Oh, a home, we don't have those.
We have New York City apartments.
Well, this place has it all.
A lanai, prune juice on tap.
Life Alert buttons in every corner.
So, um I don't know, how much is this place, uh, going for? $425.
425 a night, yeah, times 30 nights, that's $12,000 a month.
No, $425 a month.
Ugh.
- We'll take it.
- We'll take it.
- I could see us living here - Dying here.
I think that we could put, like, the sofa They have a lot of I mean, normally, you have to be over 55 years of age to rent in this community.
Ohh But you are a Darlington Lakes legacy.
Yeah, I mean we could sign a year-long lease right now.
Listen, there's already another couple who's interested.
And they are the right age.
But Why don't you go ahead and apply? There's a board meeting on Thursday night where the, uh, community will vote on who the next tenants should be.
You'll have to convince them that you're the right fit.
- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome.
Okay, are we doing this? Are we moving to Florida? I think so.
I mean, we "live" in New York but do we really live there? Yeah, I don't wanna rise and grind anymore.
I wanna rise and then, like, lay right back down.
Ab, we're doing this.
We're moving to Florida.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my gosh, okay.
If we're gonna impress all these old people, we got a lot of work to do.
Oof, it is net-twerking time, gaga.
Great serve, Edna! Great return, Ethel.
That was out! I win, bitch! Oh, shove it, Edna.
That was on the line and you know it.
Girls, you saw it.
You make the call.
I can't tell who has more power in the community.
Um Well, Edna looks like she's wearing a really expensive skirt.
Could mean that she's, like, elite.
Right.
But Ethel's so [BLEEP.]
bossy.
I feel like she'd force people to vote for us.
She's like a cyberbully IRL.
So, like a bully.
Huh.
I forgot about bullies.
You know what? I don't think we can choose.
We need both votes.
You won, but you should let her win.
She needs it more.
She needs it more.
You're the pretty one.
It's the right thing to do.
(SIGHS) You're the one with the incredible body and that slammin' tuchus.
It's the right thing to do.
Maybe you're right.
We've been friends since we're 16 years old.
And I always get everything.
Just between you and me, I got to [BLEEP.]
JFK and she didn't.
Wow Wow.
I do owe her one.
She [BLEEP.]
JFK so I wouldn't have to.
Ooh, such a predator.
I'm so sorry.
Women have been treated horrible up until this time and including this time.
Tell me about it.
So, could we call it a tie? Sure.
Who cares? (SCATTING) (APPLAUSE) (SIGHS) (SNIFFS) (MAN) Thank you for calling North American Airlines.
- How may I assist you? - Hi, you guys lost my luggage.
Oh, so sorry, this is misplaced baggage.
I'm gonna have to transfer you to the lost baggage department.
What, no, how are those different? [BLEEP.]
.
- Yo, Fabio.
- Jesus, Mom! Why don't you make yourself useful and either help me pack or thump me? I'm having a very bad day.
Thump you? Dealing with your Aunt Bev is destroying my neck.
She's a pain in my ass.
(LONG SIGH) Okay, I can't believe I'm thumping my mother.
Ah, delicious, ohh Oh, come on, deeper.
Right there, ah, right there.
Ahh - Mom - Oh! I can't, you're The noises, the noises.
All right, [BLEEP.]
you.
[BLEEP.]
you! Sorry.
Dude, we are frickin' nailing this.
Yeah, I feel like they're really starting to like us.
I mean, I already got three marriage proposals.
Yeah, I can't wait to live here.
Me neither.
It is lit-ral-ly, like, blue skies are smiling at me.
- Oh.
- (PLANE ENGINE OVERHEAD) Shit, ugh.
I almost forgot we're in Florida.
I mean, if we move here, we'll be in, like, Donald [BLEEP.]
land.
Maybe this is a bad decision.
- What? - Jaime just texted me.
It is four degrees in New York City.
And our pipes in our apartment just froze and burst again.
This is a good decision, it's great.
I love it, I think it's right.
You know, Florida might be filled with [BLEEP.]
supporters, but if we move here, our votes could swing the state.
Oh, okay, now we can't not.
Let's go borrow Grandma Esther's dope Cadillac.
Head up to "Pube-icks," AKA Publix and get some goddamn whitefish salad for these old dirty bastards.
(CAR STARTS) Jessemey's got a feelin' like she want to Standin' in front of me like shorty what you gon' do? Said, Sailor baby, let me see you do some You might say She work that booty like a boss She work that booty like a boss, boss She work that booty like a boss She work that booty like a boss, boss Down, down, get it back Get it back, get it nice Get it Get it Oh She work that booty like a boss Boss, boss, boss, boss Like a boss She work that booty like a boss She work that booty like a boss, boss, boss, boss, boss Gorgeous people! Oh, my gosh, I've got hors d'oeuvre.
Hope you take as much as you like.
Just remember to vote for us.
These give me terrible gas.
Bitches are horny for butterscotch.
The Darlington Lakes Executive Board will now confer to make a decision regarding the new tenants.
I wonder how long they'll take.
We've reached a decision.
That was really fast.
Okay.
Congratulations, ladies! Oh! Oh, my God.
You're the new residents at Darlington Lakes.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you guys so much, you're so cute.
We are family now! Yeah, you won't be sorry, we promise.
Well, we'd rather have two young Jewish [BLEEP.]
, than a couple of [BLEEP.]
.
(APPLAUSE) (ILANA) We gotta get the hell outta here! I don't even know what to do with this! I can't believe guns come with the apartment! (LOUD GRUNT) A bunch of monsters! (BOBBI) All right, you let me have the ring.
And I'm gonna give you the end tables and the sleeper sofa.
Oh, please, people pay not to sleep on that pile-a-bullshit.
Here's what I'm gonna do for you.
You can have the fake Van Gogh and all of the china.
(LAUGHING) China?! That shit is Ikea.
Do I look like a frickin' idiot? I taught you everything you know, girlie.
You're not puttin' one over on me.
If you're gonna behave like this then maybe you shouldn't come to Sandals this year.
You did not.
Yeah, I did.
How dare you take my Sandals vacay hostage.
How dare you! Un-frickin'-believable.
Now you're Miss Sensitive.
You bet your ass I am! (MAN) We've located your bag.
We're dispatching it to you.
Yeah, whatever.
(PHONE THUDS) Hey.
(ABBI) I'm sorry, I'm sorry Even the type of fish salad they like is white.
I'm now realizing that, that the only non-white people I've seen in the last few days have been, like, nurses and gardeners and, like, the various dudes driving ambulances that have come in and out of the [BLEEP.]
community.
Dude, shaming other white people for their racism is, like, my thing.
I've been in a haze! New York may be rough, but at least it's not a white supremacist's wet dream.
Get me back to New York where everybody hates Donald [BLEEP.]
and Mike Pence.
This place is so scary.
It's, like, there are no gay people.
- Ugh! - There are zero interracial couples.
Literally only, like, straight white people.
What are we? In a goddamn Woody Allen movie? Ugh! Excuse me.
(SNIFFING) All right, come on.
Thank you.
So, when we were kids, Grandma Esther and Grandpa Zayde used to take us to the Catskills every summer.
And the men would stay home during the week.
They'd come up on the weekends to join us.
So, one summer, Bev and I stole Grandma Esther's diet pills Speed, you know, we took it.
And we're trying to hide it from Grandma.
But she spotted us immediately 'cause she was high on speed herself, so then (LAUGHING) Remember this, Beverly? So then (LAUGHING) we just ended up in the middle of the night, you know, in that tiny, little bungalow kitchen till 3:00 in the morning grinding our teeth.
And we never told Daddy.
No, we never told Daddy.
You know, I lost my virginity in that little bungalow.
No, you didn't.
You lost your virginity to Jerry Katz - the year after I went to college.
- Unh-unh, I lied.
I lost my virginity to Neil Friedman in that bungalow while all of you were sleeping the summer I was 15.
Wait a minute, Neil Friedman? Wasn't he the one with the scoliosis brace? Uh-huh.
I was so petrified that I was gonna wake all of youse up because it kept bangin' against the headboard.
(LOUD LAUGHTER) Bangin'? Oh, Beverly, you know what? (LAUGHING) You take the ring.
No, Bobbi, you take it.
No, you take it, Bev.
Who could care? It's just a material possession.
It doesn't mean anything.
Oh, my God, Mom, you need to smoke more often, like, every damn day.
I do need to change my Facebook profile pic.
I see that now, you know? It's just hard.
Sometimes I wanna be one of those people that just, like, deletes Facebook altogether.
- Yeah.
- And than I can always tell everyone I deleted Facebook.
But then I'd miss all the baby pics.
(SIGHS) Babies.
Mmm You know what, speaking of Facebook, and I wasn't gonna say anything.
But, you know, now I'm stoned.
I'm gonna spill the beans.
I saw earlier on Facebook that, uh, Lincoln changed his status to single.
Cool.
Cool.
Hey Ilana, where did you get this pot anyway? - I brought it.
- On the plane? How? - In my pussy.
- (COUGHING) - (SIGHS) - Ew.
I knew, it's a thing.
Oh, big freakin' deal.
She came out of you.
You can't smoke a little weed that came out of her? You'll all roll all over me Good-bye, you old Boca box of junk! You gave us some fun times and E.
coli from the pool that one year.
(SIGHS) Girls, see you back in New York.
Use condoms! Let's go, El.
Thanks for the full new wardrobe.
I know material possessions mean nothing, but this car means a lot to me.
Yeah, it's like we're taking a piece of Florida home with us.
A good one, not a racist one.
temp be risin' (BOTH) Whoo! from the start Let me hear with attacks to your heart Get you back, heart attack Don't you think that it's fun One more time blow your mind (ILANA) Ah, I wish you could come with me.
- (ABBI) I don't think I should.
- Yeah, probably not.
(SIGHS) You let me know if you need anything, okay? Thanks, love you.
Good luck, dude.
Okay, here we go.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Goddamn it! (LOUD SIGH) Olivia won't wait around for you forever, Fitz.
Who am I kidding? (TEXT ALERT) Of course she will.
Hmm? What? (CHUCKLING) Lady and the tramp Girl is a tramp You walk in (GRUNTING) Hey.
Hi.
You wanna come inside? All right.
I'm never gonna ask about the mechanics of what just happened.
No, me neither.
Right after this episode you are gonna get behind the scenes exclusive footage of how our show Broad City is made.
It is like a behind the curtain look at Broad City.
Very informative and you're gonna dig it.
Stay tuned after the episode for a behind the scenes look at the making of Broad City.
- I love a good BTS - Me too.
- I love a hot BTS - BTS to the BTS, baby.
(BOBBI) Driver, I'm dying in here.
Can't you get the air up a little bit? (ELIOT) Mom, don't call him driver.
Yeah, they call this security, this guy.
Like, he's gonna stop anybody, huh? Esther Baumgarten? No.
No, that's my mother.
She's dead.
- Huh? - Dead! She's dead! Okay, go ahead.
(BOBBI) God, I needed to be slapped in the face with this Vitamin D.
I could feel my mustache lightening.
Yup, you told us and the TSA guy.
Oh, please, you're just grumpy 'cause you lost your luggage.
Yeah, I got this amazing suitcase that I saw on Refinery29.
- It's the one that Drew - Barrymore recommends.
Oh, Eliot, I am so sorry for your loss.
(BOBBI) It's insane that didn't do carry-on.
But, look, I had to check.
I had my shampoo and my conditioner.
And it's made especially for the humid ity.
Oh, yikes.
Oh, I love it.
Oh, no.
Welcome to Florida.
America's droopy dick.
Four and three and two and one-one (BOBBI) You know what? You could hold my purse.
Oh, thanks.
Ab, something I've meaning to talk to you about.
And I don't wanna offend.
I really, really think you need to change your profile picture on Facebook.
- You're not doing yourself any favors.
- Okay.
Why are you guys even friends on Facebook? What do you mean? I'm friends with all your friends on Facebook.
And I got news for you.
They request me.
She's right, I mean, I did.
A couple of times, actually.
God, do you feel this Florida sun? I am loving it.
- Bobbi Wexler! - Jesus! What, this? It's called "Stand Your Ground," snowflakes.
Hi, Eleanor.
We're meeting my sister upstairs.
We're here to clean out Mom's apartment before it's sold.
These are my three beautiful children.
These are Esther's grandchildren? Oh! Come, give me a big hug! - A group hug - How nice to meet you.
- (GUNSHOT) - Ahh! - What? What? - [BLEEP.]
Florida.
Hello, hello, hello! Beverly Baumgarten, we're here! Hi, there! (ALL) Hi! Aunt Bev, you look jah-mazing! Oh, you know, one SoulCycle a month ago, and I swear I'm still sweating.
Otherwise known as a hot flash.
Ooh! (BEV) Abbi, you're so much prettier than that pic of yours on Facebook.
(BOBBI) Right, I told her that.
Let me see this manicure.
What is that, "Trophy Wife"? - Second wife.
- (SNIFFING) - I knew it! She smells of mothballs.
- Oh, here we go.
You started cleaning out the stuff before me! No You have a lot of nerve starting before me.
I waited an entire year to come down here because you couldn't leave the city 'cause you might be getting "Hamilton" tickets? Sheryl's niece is dating an usher who could slip us through the garbage chute, but we had to be ready at any moment.
At any moment! (BOBBI) Don't raise your voice to me, missy! I'm the person who taught you how to insert a diaphragm! So let's just show a little respect! We're gonna go to the pool.
(ELIOT) Wait, my bathing suit is in my suitcase.
What am I gonna wear? I can't believe I have been on hold for two hours.
- Mmm.
- Jesus Christ.
Also, this bathing suit is so tight.
I can't believe Grandpa used to wear this.
Grandpa? That's Grandma Esther's suit.
- What? - I knew it would fit you, same hips.
Oh, my God, this is humiliating.
Oh, own it, boi.
Enjoy your beautiful body in a tropical climate.
So much better than disgusting N-Y-C.
So The key to sunbathing is to have a solid tan plan.
First I do my back, then I do my front.
I didn't say it was, like, a complicated plan.
Okay, so can you help me put on this 100 SPF? A dermatologist once told me that need to wear 100 SPF because I'm "devastatingly white.
" What is it, my [BLEEP.]
birthday? Turn around.
El, come on, you need this too, brother Too hot! Respect.
Excuse me, are you the new on-site mortician? I just loved Doris' eyebrows at her service yesterday.
No, I'm the late Esther Baumgarten's granddaughter, Ilana.
Oh, you're the one dating the gangster dentist.
Uh no, we, uh We broke up, actually.
Good for you.
Oh, dude.
- (LAUGHS) - The gun holder.
Amazing.
- (BEV) Pearls.
- (BOBBI) Crap.
Ersatz ruby from Little Richard.
Let's just cut the crap, Princess Ticklefeather.
Let's talk about the ring.
You really wanna get into that? You bet your ass I do.
All right, all right.
All right, Mommy would want me to have it.
- Ha! - It's probably the only engagement ring I'm ever gonna have at this point.
You are so full of shit, I need a plunger.
Mommy would've wanted that ring to go to Ilana, her only granddaughter, or Eliot even! So now I'm being punished because I don't have children? - Drama queen.
- You know, I still may.
Man, this place is so magical.
It's got everything.
Sunshine, warmth, greenery.
Oh, my God, is that an orange tree? So legit, from "Mutta" Earth, baby.
Real fruit that hasn't already been licked by a bodega cat? Oh, God.
Nuts.
Nuts! Man, I feel so good right now.
I just feel at peace here.
Of course you feel at peace.
You don't have the city grinding you down, twisting your titties till you're beggin' for mercy! Yeah, I don't feel anxiety at every turn.
There's not, like, danger lurking at every corner.
Good afternoon.
- Hello.
- Holy shit.
Okay, the gun thing is actually terrifying.
But other than that, dude, I'm like free! Other than that.
It's, like, why do we choose to live in New York? Why do we want things to be so [BLEEP.]
hard? It's like our lives are Richard Pryor's dick, and New York is the cocaine.
Yeah.
Wait, what? Richard Pryor, dude.
Pam Grier found an actual buildup of cocaine on her cervix 'cause Richard used to, like, dip his dick in coke before they had sex so that it would take him longer to [BLEEP.]
.
But, it's like, just [BLEEP.]
, man.
[BLEEP.]
feels amazing.
And that's what New York City is.
One giant delayed orgasm.
Instead of enjoying it now, we're just suffering through it so in like 40 years, we can say, "We did that! We lived there!" But until then, we're just constantly getting [BLEEP.]
by Richard Pryor's numb cocaine dick.
(SIGHS) Oh, an open house.
We should go tomorrow.
I bet they'll have free cookies.
Yeah, I bet they'll have a free toilet! What? I have to pee.
Oh, let's go.
Angels live in skies of blue Ohh (DOOR CLOSES) - This is huge.
- Yeah, wow.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello, sir.
Oh, my gosh, Ilana, look.
The kitchen is its own room and the windows It's a home.
Oh, a home, we don't have those.
We have New York City apartments.
Well, this place has it all.
A lanai, prune juice on tap.
Life Alert buttons in every corner.
So, um I don't know, how much is this place, uh, going for? $425.
425 a night, yeah, times 30 nights, that's $12,000 a month.
No, $425 a month.
Ugh.
- We'll take it.
- We'll take it.
- I could see us living here - Dying here.
I think that we could put, like, the sofa They have a lot of I mean, normally, you have to be over 55 years of age to rent in this community.
Ohh But you are a Darlington Lakes legacy.
Yeah, I mean we could sign a year-long lease right now.
Listen, there's already another couple who's interested.
And they are the right age.
But Why don't you go ahead and apply? There's a board meeting on Thursday night where the, uh, community will vote on who the next tenants should be.
You'll have to convince them that you're the right fit.
- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome.
Okay, are we doing this? Are we moving to Florida? I think so.
I mean, we "live" in New York but do we really live there? Yeah, I don't wanna rise and grind anymore.
I wanna rise and then, like, lay right back down.
Ab, we're doing this.
We're moving to Florida.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, my gosh, okay.
If we're gonna impress all these old people, we got a lot of work to do.
Oof, it is net-twerking time, gaga.
Great serve, Edna! Great return, Ethel.
That was out! I win, bitch! Oh, shove it, Edna.
That was on the line and you know it.
Girls, you saw it.
You make the call.
I can't tell who has more power in the community.
Um Well, Edna looks like she's wearing a really expensive skirt.
Could mean that she's, like, elite.
Right.
But Ethel's so [BLEEP.]
bossy.
I feel like she'd force people to vote for us.
She's like a cyberbully IRL.
So, like a bully.
Huh.
I forgot about bullies.
You know what? I don't think we can choose.
We need both votes.
You won, but you should let her win.
She needs it more.
She needs it more.
You're the pretty one.
It's the right thing to do.
(SIGHS) You're the one with the incredible body and that slammin' tuchus.
It's the right thing to do.
Maybe you're right.
We've been friends since we're 16 years old.
And I always get everything.
Just between you and me, I got to [BLEEP.]
JFK and she didn't.
Wow Wow.
I do owe her one.
She [BLEEP.]
JFK so I wouldn't have to.
Ooh, such a predator.
I'm so sorry.
Women have been treated horrible up until this time and including this time.
Tell me about it.
So, could we call it a tie? Sure.
Who cares? (SCATTING) (APPLAUSE) (SIGHS) (SNIFFS) (MAN) Thank you for calling North American Airlines.
- How may I assist you? - Hi, you guys lost my luggage.
Oh, so sorry, this is misplaced baggage.
I'm gonna have to transfer you to the lost baggage department.
What, no, how are those different? [BLEEP.]
.
- Yo, Fabio.
- Jesus, Mom! Why don't you make yourself useful and either help me pack or thump me? I'm having a very bad day.
Thump you? Dealing with your Aunt Bev is destroying my neck.
She's a pain in my ass.
(LONG SIGH) Okay, I can't believe I'm thumping my mother.
Ah, delicious, ohh Oh, come on, deeper.
Right there, ah, right there.
Ahh - Mom - Oh! I can't, you're The noises, the noises.
All right, [BLEEP.]
you.
[BLEEP.]
you! Sorry.
Dude, we are frickin' nailing this.
Yeah, I feel like they're really starting to like us.
I mean, I already got three marriage proposals.
Yeah, I can't wait to live here.
Me neither.
It is lit-ral-ly, like, blue skies are smiling at me.
- Oh.
- (PLANE ENGINE OVERHEAD) Shit, ugh.
I almost forgot we're in Florida.
I mean, if we move here, we'll be in, like, Donald [BLEEP.]
land.
Maybe this is a bad decision.
- What? - Jaime just texted me.
It is four degrees in New York City.
And our pipes in our apartment just froze and burst again.
This is a good decision, it's great.
I love it, I think it's right.
You know, Florida might be filled with [BLEEP.]
supporters, but if we move here, our votes could swing the state.
Oh, okay, now we can't not.
Let's go borrow Grandma Esther's dope Cadillac.
Head up to "Pube-icks," AKA Publix and get some goddamn whitefish salad for these old dirty bastards.
(CAR STARTS) Jessemey's got a feelin' like she want to Standin' in front of me like shorty what you gon' do? Said, Sailor baby, let me see you do some You might say She work that booty like a boss She work that booty like a boss, boss She work that booty like a boss She work that booty like a boss, boss Down, down, get it back Get it back, get it nice Get it Get it Oh She work that booty like a boss Boss, boss, boss, boss Like a boss She work that booty like a boss She work that booty like a boss, boss, boss, boss, boss Gorgeous people! Oh, my gosh, I've got hors d'oeuvre.
Hope you take as much as you like.
Just remember to vote for us.
These give me terrible gas.
Bitches are horny for butterscotch.
The Darlington Lakes Executive Board will now confer to make a decision regarding the new tenants.
I wonder how long they'll take.
We've reached a decision.
That was really fast.
Okay.
Congratulations, ladies! Oh! Oh, my God.
You're the new residents at Darlington Lakes.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you guys so much, you're so cute.
We are family now! Yeah, you won't be sorry, we promise.
Well, we'd rather have two young Jewish [BLEEP.]
, than a couple of [BLEEP.]
.
(APPLAUSE) (ILANA) We gotta get the hell outta here! I don't even know what to do with this! I can't believe guns come with the apartment! (LOUD GRUNT) A bunch of monsters! (BOBBI) All right, you let me have the ring.
And I'm gonna give you the end tables and the sleeper sofa.
Oh, please, people pay not to sleep on that pile-a-bullshit.
Here's what I'm gonna do for you.
You can have the fake Van Gogh and all of the china.
(LAUGHING) China?! That shit is Ikea.
Do I look like a frickin' idiot? I taught you everything you know, girlie.
You're not puttin' one over on me.
If you're gonna behave like this then maybe you shouldn't come to Sandals this year.
You did not.
Yeah, I did.
How dare you take my Sandals vacay hostage.
How dare you! Un-frickin'-believable.
Now you're Miss Sensitive.
You bet your ass I am! (MAN) We've located your bag.
We're dispatching it to you.
Yeah, whatever.
(PHONE THUDS) Hey.
(ABBI) I'm sorry, I'm sorry Even the type of fish salad they like is white.
I'm now realizing that, that the only non-white people I've seen in the last few days have been, like, nurses and gardeners and, like, the various dudes driving ambulances that have come in and out of the [BLEEP.]
community.
Dude, shaming other white people for their racism is, like, my thing.
I've been in a haze! New York may be rough, but at least it's not a white supremacist's wet dream.
Get me back to New York where everybody hates Donald [BLEEP.]
and Mike Pence.
This place is so scary.
It's, like, there are no gay people.
- Ugh! - There are zero interracial couples.
Literally only, like, straight white people.
What are we? In a goddamn Woody Allen movie? Ugh! Excuse me.
(SNIFFING) All right, come on.
Thank you.
So, when we were kids, Grandma Esther and Grandpa Zayde used to take us to the Catskills every summer.
And the men would stay home during the week.
They'd come up on the weekends to join us.
So, one summer, Bev and I stole Grandma Esther's diet pills Speed, you know, we took it.
And we're trying to hide it from Grandma.
But she spotted us immediately 'cause she was high on speed herself, so then (LAUGHING) Remember this, Beverly? So then (LAUGHING) we just ended up in the middle of the night, you know, in that tiny, little bungalow kitchen till 3:00 in the morning grinding our teeth.
And we never told Daddy.
No, we never told Daddy.
You know, I lost my virginity in that little bungalow.
No, you didn't.
You lost your virginity to Jerry Katz - the year after I went to college.
- Unh-unh, I lied.
I lost my virginity to Neil Friedman in that bungalow while all of you were sleeping the summer I was 15.
Wait a minute, Neil Friedman? Wasn't he the one with the scoliosis brace? Uh-huh.
I was so petrified that I was gonna wake all of youse up because it kept bangin' against the headboard.
(LOUD LAUGHTER) Bangin'? Oh, Beverly, you know what? (LAUGHING) You take the ring.
No, Bobbi, you take it.
No, you take it, Bev.
Who could care? It's just a material possession.
It doesn't mean anything.
Oh, my God, Mom, you need to smoke more often, like, every damn day.
I do need to change my Facebook profile pic.
I see that now, you know? It's just hard.
Sometimes I wanna be one of those people that just, like, deletes Facebook altogether.
- Yeah.
- And than I can always tell everyone I deleted Facebook.
But then I'd miss all the baby pics.
(SIGHS) Babies.
Mmm You know what, speaking of Facebook, and I wasn't gonna say anything.
But, you know, now I'm stoned.
I'm gonna spill the beans.
I saw earlier on Facebook that, uh, Lincoln changed his status to single.
Cool.
Cool.
Hey Ilana, where did you get this pot anyway? - I brought it.
- On the plane? How? - In my pussy.
- (COUGHING) - (SIGHS) - Ew.
I knew, it's a thing.
Oh, big freakin' deal.
She came out of you.
You can't smoke a little weed that came out of her? You'll all roll all over me Good-bye, you old Boca box of junk! You gave us some fun times and E.
coli from the pool that one year.
(SIGHS) Girls, see you back in New York.
Use condoms! Let's go, El.
Thanks for the full new wardrobe.
I know material possessions mean nothing, but this car means a lot to me.
Yeah, it's like we're taking a piece of Florida home with us.
A good one, not a racist one.
temp be risin' (BOTH) Whoo! from the start Let me hear with attacks to your heart Get you back, heart attack Don't you think that it's fun One more time blow your mind (ILANA) Ah, I wish you could come with me.
- (ABBI) I don't think I should.
- Yeah, probably not.
(SIGHS) You let me know if you need anything, okay? Thanks, love you.
Good luck, dude.
Okay, here we go.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Goddamn it! (LOUD SIGH) Olivia won't wait around for you forever, Fitz.
Who am I kidding? (TEXT ALERT) Of course she will.
Hmm? What? (CHUCKLING) Lady and the tramp Girl is a tramp You walk in (GRUNTING) Hey.
Hi.
You wanna come inside? All right.
I'm never gonna ask about the mechanics of what just happened.