Buffy the Vampire Slayer s04e07 Episode Script

Parker's problem with intimacy turns out to be thathe can'tget enough ofit.
Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion.
I'm Riley.
I'm a TA.
I'll be helping the professor out.
I'm Professor Walsh.
"The Evil Bitch Monster of Death.
" Cos the Big Bad is back.
And this time Women.
Young, nubile, exciting.
Each one a mystery waiting to be unlocked.
Think any of 'em are gonna show? Cos the party'd be lame ifwe lack for hotties.
Professor? You with me? No.
I'm with this large pile of ungraded papers, due at three o'clock.
How are you gonna learn anything ifyou keep doing schoolwork? Check her out.
Is she hot or is she hot? She's Buffy.
Buffy? I like that.
That girl's so hot, she's buffy.
- It's her name, Forrest.
- You've established first contact? - Excellent! What do you think of her? - I never really thought about it.
A girl that cute in the face and you form no opinion? No, I mean She's all right, I guess.
She's just kinda I don't know.
- Peculiar.
- Peculiar? Yeah.
Hey, Graham, what do you think of the blonde chick? Mattressable, n'est-ce pas? Riley's not down.
He doesn't like her.
I don't dislike her.
She never feels like she's really there when you talk to her.
- I like girls I can get a grip on.
- I'll bet you do.
Not that way.
Just a little less ready for takeoff all the time.
- There's definitely something off about her.
- Maybe she's Canadian.
Didn't she go with Parker Abrams for about 30 seconds? Yeah, there's a sign of good taste! OK, but you've got to admit, she's a major-league hottie.
Well, I'm not denying she's easy on the eyes.
I'm just saying Would you really wanna go out with her? Hell, yes.
I bet a lot of guys would like to get their hands on her.
The Slayer.
Gonna kill you.
Not so tough.
Kill Slayer.
Well, based on Buffy's description, I believe the men that we're after look something like Iike this.
The latest in fall fascism.
I like it.
A bit full in the hips for my taste.
I think we can safely assume they're human.
So, no research needed.
No study? Damn! Next thing you'll tell me is I'll have to eatjelly doughnuts or sleep with a supermodel to get things done.
How much can one man give? Not too much, I'm afraid.
Once again I'd say you and I will not be needed to help Buffy.
- Really? - Really.
How about this? We whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient, unstoppable evil: mayhem.
We show up and kick its ass.
- Wee bit unethical.
- Hello, people.
Hey.
- It's my late-night storm-trooper pal.
- Just for reference.
- But fairly accurate, you'd say? - That's your man.
Your man, actually.
You are patrolling tonight? Nope.
I am going to a party tonight.
Hopefully a "no fighting, no biting" kinda deal.
Somebody's gotta find out who these people are.
Giles, I live in a dorm now.
The girls in my hall wanna party, Willow needs cheering up, I'm going to take her.
- How's Will dealin' - With the black hole of despair since Oz left? She's dealing.
I'm helping.
It's hard, ergo party.
You two can take patrol.
Now, ifyou'll excuse me, I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.
Don't drink it.
It's drugged.
- And who are you, mate? - I'm a rat.
I'm a lab rat, just like the others.
They're gonna kill us, you know.
- How are they gonna do that? - Well, they starve you.
And when you're ready to bite your own arm, they shoot out one ofthose packets.
You drink, and the next thing you're gone.
- And that's when they do the experiments.
- And "they" are? The government? Nazis? A major cosmetics company? Who cares? All I know is, one minute I'm running from the Slayer and the next thing I'm here.
The Slayer! I knew it! I knew it! She took apart my crew and led me straight to these guys.
She set me up, too.
I always worried what would happen when that bitch got funding.
She's wised up a bit.
Fine! I'll take her apart.
I don't care how brilliant she is.
Stupid pen! - My notes! - Ballpoints can be tricky.
That's all for today.
Read chapters eight to eleven for tomorrow.
Riley! I notice you left off a name today in roll call.
Osbourne.
Daniel Osbourne.
Oz.
He's not in this class any more.
I hear he dropped out.
Well, you heard way wrong, then.
He's not gone.
He left temporarily to work out a few things.
I know that sounds lame in its vagueness, but, I assure you, Oz will be back.
Not to my class, he won't.
An educated guess.
You know the rules, you know I hate exceptions, and yet somehow you feel your exception is exceptional.
- But - It is.
To you.
But since I'm neither a freshman nor a narcissist, I have to consider the whole class.
Ifyour friend can't respect my schedule, I think it's best he not come back.
You know, for someone who teaches human behaviour, you might try showing some.
It's not myjob to coddle my students.
You're right.
A human being in pain has nothing to do with yourjob.
- I like her.
- Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar? Here we go.
Gear for tonight.
If commando squads are out there, fully loaded, these babies might give us the edge we'll need.
It's a very impressive array.
Where did it all come from? Requisitioned it.
Back when I was Military Guy.
That was two years ago.
You still 100 per cent? Are you kidding? I put the semper in semperfi.
I might not be able to assemble an M-16 blindfolded like I used to or pass weapons drill for the mobile infantry Might as well face it.
Right now I don't have the technical skills to join the Swiss army.
And all those guys ask you to do is uncork a couple of sassy Cabernets.
I'm sure you'll be ready when the time comes.
Fear not.
Hand-to-hand, I'm still the man.
Whoever these guys trained with, - I'm sure they're not ready to deal with - Xander! Yes, Mom? I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend.
Would you boys like some? Is it raspberry fruit punch? So she says "You teach human behaviour.
Maybe you oughta show some.
" - You're lying.
She says it to Walsh? - Hope to die.
- Doesn't lack for guts.
Gotta give her that.
- Yeah, but she's nuts.
Come on.
Like you never wanted to tell the professor off.
Hey, Parker! Forrest.
What's up, man? What's the scoop on Buffy Summers? ls she cool? Buffy? She's all right, I guess.
Kinda whiny.
- How's that? - Well, you know, clingy.
I mean, we got a little physical, well Fully physical, and then she's all over me, you know, like we're betrothed or something.
No, but fun was had, yeah? Oh, yeah.
The word is stamina.
Definitely a bunny in the sack, but later on, well You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? The toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it.
- I can't believe I did that.
- Welcome to the club.
Know how much trouble you could get into? lf Parker reported you - He won't.
He's too embarrassed.
- I hit him.
- What the hell for? - He was just being so crude.
Please! You've heard me say much grosser things.
Yeah, most ofthose are about your own mother.
What is it, then? I just didn't like hearing him talk about Buffy that way.
I think that Well, I guess I like her.
You're kinda like a moron.
So, you knew that I had feelings for her? - Everybody knows, man.
- "She's peculiar"? Dead giveaway, buddy.
- I'm always the last to know.
- So what you gonna do? Well, I guess I'm gonna go see a girl.
Sorry, can't stay.
Got to go see a girl.
- Get the serum! - Let me out! - Bit busy right now.
- I know where the exit is.
You spring me, you're free.
You don't, you're dead.
Hurry! Hurry! This way! New plan - we split up.
You go that way.
Come in.
- Riley.
Hi.
- Hi.
Gee, I hope I'm not interrupting anything really depressing.
What's up? Right to the point.
OK.
I was thinking of asking out Buffy.
- She's not here.
- I know.
See, I don't know that much about Buffy, but I'm interested in what she likes and, so far, well, the only thing that I know she likes is you.
What do you want me to do? Just tell me something.
Anything.
Just give me a clue to Here, let me help you with that.
Just something that'll start us talking.
I'm thinking that "How about them Broncos?" won't really cut it.
OK.
Say that I help and you start a conversation.
It goes great.
You like Buffy, she likes you.
You spend time together, feelings grow deeper.
And one day, without even realising it, you find you're in love.
Time stops and it feels like the whole world's made for you two and you two alone.
Until one ofyou leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery ofthe human condition.
Yep, that's the plan.
I figured it was.
Look, ifyou wanna tell me to go to hell, that's OK.
Maybe this is the last thing you wanna talk about.
I just feel that well, I've never courted anyone like Buffy before.
I don't think I've ever met anyone like Buffy before.
Why should I trust you? Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face.
I've seen honest faces before.
They usually come attached to liars.
All right.
I guess I'm not gonna win here.
I appreciate you wanting to protect your friend.
I guess she kinda brings that out in people.
She likes cheese.
What? Well, I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but Buffy likes cheese.
That's a start.
She has a stuffed piggy named Mr Gordo, Ioves lce Capades, without the irony, and she's dragging me to this party tonight at Lowell House.
You're going? That's my house.
I live there.
Well, it'll give you a chance to interact, but don't get fresh.
Fresh? Don't even know ifwe like each other yet.
Does she ever talk about me? Like, has she ever said any - Sorry.
- That's discouraging.
Still, I feel like I have a fighting chance, with my new accomplice.
- I'm not your accomplice.
- No, of course not.
- I'm not.
- You're not.
- We're clear? - We're clear.
- Spike, is that really you? - It's me, baby.
Your man is - back.
- Bastard! You dumped me and staked me and hurt me and left me I know, sugar, but you're forgetting one other thing I did.
- I missed you.
- Really? Just don't ever do that to me again.
Never, my little foam latte.
Your blondie bear is here to stay.
Well, where have you been? No, wait.
Don't tell me.
I'm just glad you're back.
- And this time it's for good, right? - For ever and ever, mon petite crème brûlée.
Ooh! ltalian! Yeah.
And get used to it.
Big Daddy's home.
We're gonna go wherever you want, do whatever you want, kill whoever you want.
Starting with the Slayer.
And after that it's all you and me, my little mentholated pack of smokes.
Spiky, let's leave the Slayer alone.
You know she'll only slap you around.
And I can do that.
No, see The head, love.
Watch the head.
Watch it! Every man faces this moment.
Here.
Now.
Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face.
Nerve endings screaming in silence.
Never knowing which thought might be your last.
Shut up.
Looks cool.
- Look, we could go.
- No, no.
We're here for fun.
Look, some ofthe guys are here already.
I'm gonna grab a soda.
I'll find you guys.
OK.
She's wearing the halter top with sensible shoes.
So mostly dancing, light contact.
Don't push your luck.
Heavy conversation's out ofthe question.
- So what do I do? - Ask her to dance.
Right.
Dance.
Wait.
No.
- What's the matter? - I can't dance.
Then talk.
Keep eye contact.
Funny is good, but don't be glib.
And remember, ifyou hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.
A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
Have fun! Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Buffy You do the reading on chapter nine? Wow.
Some theories, huh? Cheese? Fine, let's split up.
I don't care.
Harmony.
- Xander? - That's close enough.
I'm warning you, I've been highly trained to put this through your heart.
No mercy, no warning.
I can kill you where you stand.
Bring it on, then.
You sissy kicker! Cut it out! I'm so gonna bite you! - OK, stop, stop! We should stop, OK? - OK, I will ifyou will.
On the count ofthree.
One, two, three! Right! OK.
It's been great catching up.
I'm gonna pick up the tattered shreds of my dignity and go home.
Leaving you with your fire.
My fire? Yeah, right! Like I'd listen to the Sex Pistols.
This crap belongs to Spike.
Spike? Can you believe him? He comes back with all these big promises.
Not that I believed him, you know.
He could have spent one night, but, no, everything was "Slayer this", "Slayer that".
He probably already killed her.
I'm not taking him back, I just wanna know why it is that men always Ieave.
I can't believe it.
I choked.
You really, really did.
You don't understand.
I'm good at things.
That's what I do.
I work hard, apply myself.
Get it done.
Well, you failed extremely well.
That's a great comfort to me.
You need to relax.
You're not proposing.
You're just making contact, getting a reaction.
Any reaction is OK except projectile vomiting, but what are the chances ofthat? Are you OK? This song.
Yeah, it's a tape of some bands from last year's party.
Associations? Big.
Bad? AJ.
Thank you.
Now go find Buffy.
- There's no hurry.
I mean, ifyou wanna talk.
- No.
I want you to find Buffy and tell her that I went home and not to worry about me.
Which at least will give you something to say.
Thanks.
You'll do fine.
Willow said to say that she took off.
She's OK.
Kinda blue, but she said not to worry.
Thank you.
- You know, I wanted to ask you somethin'.
- Ask away.
Buffy! I've been looking all over for you.
We need We need to talk.
Not here.
It's sort of unfinished business.
Business? Right.
Excuse us.
No problem.
Denied.
It's not like she blew me off.
She just left with another guy, that's all.
We need you downstairs, anyway.
I hate to say it, but they're probably on their way to make crazy, naked sex.
- Is that necessary? - Look, I'm protecting you, buddy.
I don't wanna see you mooning over some freshman.
- Retinalscan accepted.
- I like her.
I'm on your side here.
I know you are, Graham.
That's what gives me the strength to put up with this comedian.
Dude, a straight tip: I know about girls.
Exactly.
Girls, plural.
I'm talking about one girl.
One girl.
Initiative vocal code match complete.
SpeciaIAgentFinn, Riley.
The problem is, what kind of girl is gonna go out with a guy who's acting all Joe Regular by day and then turns all demon-hunter by night? - Maybe a peculiar one.
- Thank you, Graham.
Sure, give him the gratitude when I'm the guy sparing you heartbreak.
She's a major babe.
I still say you've got a shot, Rye.
You see, Forrest? You don't have to be so negative all the time.
Hold up.
Situation? Gentlemen, suit up.
We have a code red.
Hostile 17 has escaped.
Here's what we know, and it isn't much.
Hostile 17 broke restraints at exactly 2.
47pm.
- Big head start.
- Gets bigger when you interrupt me.
It was bagged and tagged locally, so it knows the area.
The creature has every advantage right now.
Fail to recapture it and everything we've worked for - the lnitiative - could end.
- Nobody's failing on my watch.
- Glad to hear it.
Gentlemen, Agent Finn is now in charge ofthis operation.
- I'm counting on you, Riley.
- We start with the basic mobilisation pattern.
Three teams.
Sweep and search, just like practice.
Thorough but fast.
C Team, campus perimeter.
Make sure it can't leave.
Stake it ifyou gotta, but only as a last resort.
B Team, you're going down.
Tunnels, sewers, cemeteries.
Gates and Miller, we take the heart of campus and work out.
All units, maintain radio contact early and often.
Who's got questions? Move! What is wrong with him? Doesn't Spike get that this is my town? - He's resilient.
- And it's my night off.
He'd pick another night if he knew you were busy with Teutonic Boy Toy.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothin'.
Riley's a doof.
He's not Teutonic.
We have to assume that Spike's main target is you.
Fine.
He's worn out his welcome.
Tonight I kill him.
- You have a plan? - I am the plan.
If Spike wants me, I go alone.
No arguments.
Lead him away from the popular places and give him what he wants.
Wait, wait! - Take this.
- A flare gun? If I find Spike, I'm staking him, not signalling ships at sea.
You get into trouble - OK.
I'll flare.
- And we'll come a-runnin'.
- Do you think Spike'll find her? - I'm sure of it.
Hello, gorgeous.
- What have we got? - Civilian, sir.
- Damn! - She's compromising the area.
- At least she's not making crazy, naked sex.
- Told you.
We gotta clear her outta there.
Fast.
Maybe not.
Just thinking.
Ifyou were Hostile 17, Iiving offthe crap we feed 'em, what would you rather eat than that? - Use the girl I got a crush on as bait? - I can tag a hostile at 50 yards.
Denied.
- She'd be safe the entire - I said denied, Agent.
- Did you just pull rank on me? - Do you have a problem with that? No, sir.
So, how are we gonna get her outta there? Riley! What are you doing here? Well, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to you after the party.
You left so fast.
You know, with your friend, who's a boy.
Xander? He's not anyone that I wanna talk about right now.
You know, I don't want you taking this the wrong way.
It's just I need a little alone time now.
Alone.
- Why? - I need space.
- We're outdoors.
- Emotionally.
I mean, emotionally.
You know, there's plenty of space back in your room.
Why don't I take you? - You wouldn't believe the weirdos out - Whoa! OK.
It's a free campus.
Who died and made you John Wayne? - I'm just trying to help.
- You think I need help? Believe me, I don't.
Ifyou were a real gentleman, then you would just leave.
You would go far, far away.
Now.
Shoo! - Are you drunk? - Yes.
Go and report me.
- I'm taking you home.
- Ever think maybe I'm gonna take you home? What? You think that boys can take care ofthemselves and girls need help? - Yeah.
- That is so Teutonic.
Look, Buffy, as long as you're out here, I'm staying.
Well, as long as you're out here, I'm staying.
- See ya! - Gotta go.
- Tell me we're tracking.
- Honing a signal.
- Got it.
Heading west.
- That better be the hostile.
All units converge, all units converge.
Hard target sighted.
Heading: 1-2 alpha niner.
Let's bag it before this gets ugly.
Come in.
Spike! What do you want? A spell? I can do that.
I'll give you a choice.
Now, I'm gonna kill you.
No choice in that.
But I can let you stay dead or bring you back, to be like me.
I'll scream.
Bonus.
I don't understand.
This sort ofthing's never happened to me before.
- Maybe you were nervous.
- I felt all right when I started.
Let's try again.
Damn it! Maybe you're trying too hard.
- Doesn't this happen to every vampire? - Not to me it doesn't! It's me, isn't it? What are you talking about? Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled.
You didn't wanna bite me.
I just happened to be around.
Piffle! I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into.
It's always, like, "Ooh, you're like a sister to me" or "Oh, you're such a good friend.
" Don't be ridiculous.
I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
- Really? - Thought about it.
When? Remember last year? You had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath? I never would have guessed.
You played the blood lust kinda cool.
I hate being obvious.
All fangy and grrrr! Takes the mystery out.
- But ifyou could - If I could.
Yeah.
You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.
Don't patronise me.
Getting a picture.
Signature's locked.
- What have we got? - Humans ofthe freshman variety.
Bingo.
Got a cold one.
Thermal output clocking in at exactly - room temperature.
- Vampire.
Call in a standard triangle flanking manoeuvre.
We're goin' in.
I need a lockdown on grid six.
I'm only 126! You're being too hard on yourself.
Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? Or Hey, hey! Watch it! No, hold your fire! It's on me! My head! Bag and tag it.
We're gone.
Sir.
Civilian.
Could have turned.
- Leave her.
- We can't neglect quarantine.
Stop her! - She's contained.
- Contain this! Take the mask off.
What was that? Hostile's escaping.
Move! We gotta stop him.
Abort! I'm sure you'll understand if I seem far from happy.
- Ifyou read my report - Hostile 17's found an accomplice who's smart, aggressive and somehow escapes description.
- Whoever he was, the guy was big.
- Strong, too.
- Whoever or whatever.
- I'm not interested in guesswork, gentlemen.
Call me old-fashioned.
I like results.
This report reads like a child's riddle book.
Agent Finn, tell me something good.
My implant? The implant works.
Hostile 17 can't harm any living creature without intense neurological pain, can't feed, can't hardly even hit any more.
- We'll bag it.
- Yes, you will.
Dismissed.
Hey.
Hi.
- Listen, sorry about last night.
- No.
No, I was rude.
I just felt like being alone.
Sometimes it's nice to be out by yourself at night.
I hear that.
Gotta be careful, though.
Lot of strange people out there.
Oh, yeah.
How's Willow doing? OK.
Course, that stupid fraternity prank on our dorm didn't help any.
That's right.
I forgot you guys live in Stevenson.
- You knew that? - Well, Willow and I were I thought she might be able to help me on a project.
- Really? That work out for ya? - Don't know yet.
Last night at the party.
You wanted to tell me something? Oh, yeah.
Very important stuff.
I don't remember any of it.
But you would have been fascinated, possibly even moved.
Did Willow tell you I like cheese? You're a little peculiar.
I can live with that.