Call Me Fitz (2010) s04e07 Episode Script
The Hard Wiener of Truth
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
Where the fuck are all the cars? They were repossessed.
All you've ever done is fuck me.
I fucked you? You you you, you love each other.
I think Richard is acting up because he feels abandoned.
By his mother, his father, his son, and now you leaving makes it worse.
Ya, ya what he said.
Someone on this strip is trying to fuck our dealership.
Mr.
Childs told me that he's Ken's long lost brother? I could have been Mrs.
Pat Childs.
Well fuck me.
If you were plowing her with Burbon Sours then that means you Fucking proposed? Oh ya No european country prohibits marriage between first cousins.
We are not doing shit until you tell me why your brother is here.
I think it's time we told everyone the truth.
Richard, I am your real father.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
So that means Paula is My sister.
Wait a second, so Ken's not my real father? When people lose something, they find ways to fill the void.
Sometimes with a business opportunity.
Who needs a son when daddy's got game.
Come on, fuckers! Sometimes with therapy.
This is all the family I need.
And sometimes with a pathetic attempt to make up for lost time.
My father - our father would like to offer you a job.
You tell douche beard he can't buy his way into my life.
We'd start you at And it would give us a chance to work together, as brother and sister.
In case you change your mind.
But somewhere along the way, he'll be faced with a choice that will define who he is as a man.
Get off my property.
Real men stick to their guns and find their own path.
Real men know if you play your cards right, the world is your oyster.
You're a fuckin loser Fitz.
Fuck.
Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man What the fuck do you want? The secret is heart.
Oh my god, the hot dog is right.
Maggie.
Ok, Richard, is this really necessary? Get off my ass, felchy-smurf.
Every time your mother abandons the family, you tend to -- Not want to talk about it.
Don't don't look at this as a loss, look at it as a gain.
Now you got two daddys.
Who are both lying sacks of shit.
Face it, the dealership's done.
Richard, you've worked your whole life to build this dealership.
What are you going to do for money? Don't worry your freakishly-shaped head over it.
Fitzy's got a plan to put us back on easy street.
Fuck! There's gotta be something worth pawning in this shithole.
S'up? What are you doing? Looking for the cat.
We do not have a cat.
And mystery solved.
You are welcome.
You want to look for something, look for something I can sell.
Oh hey, what about this? Never.
That is a priceless memory of Richard's father.
Ex-father, dick-drool.
Yeah, Larry.
Wait a minute.
If Ken isn't your father then that means that we are.
Friends, Josh.
I knew it, you big tall bastard.
Legacy is not about blood, it's about nurturing.
Think of Grandma Alice.
She faced adversity, and yet found triumph and she even managed to give back with philanthropic pursuits.
Look! She gave all her money to A.
A.
! Josh, you're a fucking genius.
Yeah I know, right.
Wait, why? Betsy.
The car that made me fall in love with everything.
She must be worth a mint by now.
We gotta track Betsy down.
How do you plan on doing that, Mr.
? Don't worry.
I got a guy.
Foxley Classics.
Get your blast from the past, with no money down.
Foxley? This is your lucky day.
Fitz? I don't think so.
I need you to track down my first love Foxley.
Betsy.
She's a '52 Elwood Classic.
Well, well.
Look who's come crawling back on his hands and knees, huh Fitz? Isn't that your go-to position? I'll take that as a compliment.
Still know how to charm a girl, I see.
Look, find the car, I'll kick you a finder's fee.
Five bills.
A grand.
C'mon, Foxley.
Seven-fifty.
For old time's sake.
For old time's sake? Why didn't you say so.
Twelve hundred.
Fuck.
Fine.
A grand it is but I want it by noon.
Deal.
Foxley Still got it, old man.
Some of it, anyway.
Maggie Murphy.
Yeah, I put on a few years.
Unlike you.
Oh, tell that to my tits.
If they're talking, I'm listening.
We had some crazy times, huh? Yeah.
Streaking through the casino.
You mean running naked 'cause my boyfriend had a shotgun.
That quickee to Rio? You mean when you left me stranded at the airport 'cause you took Elaine instead of me? Oh yeah.
You shoulda been there.
Cuba, that was you.
Oh, Tequila.
Qualuudes.
A cheap motel room.
And That I will never forget.
Why don't we take this conversation somewhere else.
Done.
I know.
This is awkward for me too.
You know, because you were my girlfriend.
And we dated Come through, Foxley? Piece of cake.
How did you find it so fast? Your mom sold it to me before she blew town.
She didn't even negotiate.
A little fuck you to you and your old man.
She knew how much that car meant to you and Ken.
Oh and I'm keeping it.
Okay, first of all, he's not my old man, and we had a deal.
To find the car.
Which I did.
The rest of your deal can go climb up your urethra like those charming little penis fish in the Amazon.
Yuck.
Dot, this car is not just a car to Richard.
It's love.
Abandoned by his father and mother, he needs to fill the void in his heart.
Look, if this is about us, don't drag them into it.
You really think I'd get in bed with you after you ruined my life? I never meant to hurt you.
You're the one who walked away from the dealership.
Which one? The rotting pile of ash or the dumpy trailer on the ass end of dealership row? You know what? He's right.
You broke up with me.
Fine.
I'll give you 5k for the car right now.
Larry? Oh uh How do you feel about layaway? Like I want to roll it up and skull fuck you with it.
Ladies.
Hey! Hey! Hi, how are ya? Ok.
Alright.
Sorry you guys had to witness that by the way.
What can I say? This stud is hard to get over.
Had some good times in old Bets.
You might say it's your very own time machine, transporting you back to the land of yesteryear.
It's a time machine? Holy shit! Ouch! Richard, this is the universe telling you to work through your issues with your father and -- Steal the car.
I'm gonna make her mine again.
No, I'm pretty sure the universe does not condone grand theft auto.
Josh can you de-electrify this fence? Can a child soldier lay a minefield? We cannot steal a car in broad daylight! Ya, Larry's right.
Thank you.
We'll wait until dark.
You wi - Josh, let's go get a drink.
The Church of Intimate Light.
Didn't that used to be a rub'n tug? It's still a still a place of connection, only now it helps us unlock the deity within.
What are you, a fortune cookie? Think of me as a cookie of eternal happiness, a way to touch the divine and caress the future.
Are we still talking about fucking.
I never should have brought you here.
I just thought the church might give you a sense of release.
The kind of release I need, you don't do in church.
Don't you ever want to reach for something more? That's what you said to me that night we were caught doing it on the roof of the Hojos.
There's more than one way to talk to god.
You wanna talk to God? I got a mic right here.
Too much huh? We're not getting any younger, Kenny.
And this is something I really believe in.
Fuck me.
Not unless you're a member of the church.
I'm in, C'mon.
For the record, I am still not condoning this crime! Relax dick stilts.
It's not a crime if it already belongs to you.
This is the family car -- it's my fucking legacy.
Just look at her curves.
You two keep an eye out for the cops.
This is gonna require the old Fitzy touch.
Oh yeah.
C'mon baby.
Come on.
That's my girl.
Let's go.
My balls are cold.
Doesn't your divine leader believe in heat? Modesty is a pebble on the path to enlightenment.
You weren't so modest back in the day.
Fuck.
Feels like I got a pebble shoved up my ass.
Ahem, shhhhh.
Silence begets honesty, friend.
Oh.
You want some fucking honesty? Why didn't you say so? Listen up fucknuts, because I'll only say this once.
We're all full of shit.
But at least I admit it.
I don't pretend to be some Larry Krishna bragging about how humble he is.
Ken, c'mon, sit down.
I'm not sittin' anywhere.
This fake guru bullshit is a cover up and you know it.
As if these assholes weren't a bunch of fired baristas.
I was LAID OFF! I honestly think if you'd get your sack drained and have a stiff drink you wouldn't need to dress like Gandhi's homo brother.
He's right, Stu.
It's Ravi Guruswami! And I'm the one leading the circle of free sharing, ok! This is Burning Man all over again.
Obviously your unwillingness to accept Ravi Guruswamin's supreme enlightenment has dimmed your kwom.
You hear that barista-boy.
He kicked you in the kwom.
Yeah, well I kicked his ass back in middle school and I'll do it again.
Okay, you just bought yourself an hour scrubbing out the reflective pool.
I'm shaking, Stu.
Make that two hours.
Those were MY fire stilts and you know it! Is this the kind of help you were looking for, Magpie? Let's get outta here.
What the fuck's taking so long? Josh! Josh! Sorry, man.
Titanium locks -- no way we can cut through it.
Fuck.
Richard, it's times like this we need to think like Grandma Alice.
Did she let her drinking problem topple her? No, she went to A.
A.
It's all about moving through adversity.
You're absolutely right, stink-pickle.
We need to move through.
Move through very, very fast.
Josh, get out of the fucking way! Oh no no no.
WAIT FOR ME!!!! Hasn't changed one bit.
Same old shitty carpet.
Same lumpy bed.
You don't suppose? No way.
It's been decades.
Still there.
You think this is one of the ones we laced with pcp? Only one way to find out.
Oh God, no! It's been years.
Like riding a bicycle.
Oh that's pretty good.
Typical.
Another broad that let me down.
Fuck! Everything this family touches breaks.
What isn't broken is that hearty Fitzpatrick spirit.
What is broken is your face if you open your pie-hole one more time.
What the fuck is wrong with this car, Josh? Well, we did just go through a chain-linked fence, so it could be multiple things.
I got to get it to a garage.
Whoah! Hey! Whoah! Jeez, at least you still have the memories, man.
That's what's good about time machines.
There's no such thing as time machines, idiot! Richard, it is a time machine.
Look, June 14th, 1989.
That's the day you ran into that fire hydrant.
The day Ken taught me how to hot wire.
Yeah.
'89? Holy shit.
Hey, come here, look.
Junior High.
Remember? Our first joint.
We dropped the cherry.
We almost set the car on fire.
Your father was so mad.
He's not my father, dick-limbs.
Or didn't you get that memo? No, Richard.
You didn't.
You may not be bonded to your family by the chains of DNA but you are bonded by happy memories mister.
"AA" That's Grandma Alice.
It doesn't stand for Alcoholics Anonymous.
It stands for Asslove Alice.
Ohhh Alice.
I loved her work.
This is classic stuff, Larry.
Grandma Alice? But her philanthropic pursuits! She wasn't a whatever-the- fuck-ipist, she fucked for money.
Don't you get it? I used to wack off to your nana.
There's nothing good about the Fitzpatricks.
Ken, Alice, even this car is a piece of shit.
I risked my ass to save you from Foxley.
And this is how it ends? I thought we had something special.
Fuck.
We'll give you some time, Richard.
This is a lot to process.
Josh and I will try to find us a way to get home.
I'll leave you and Betsy alone now.
They don't make dope like they used to.
There's a lot of things they don't make like they use to.
I'd do a couple of things differently though.
We can.
You and me.
Like we should've done all those years ago before that kid fucked up my life.
You mean it? Starting with this.
Oh, Kenny! I mean who would have thunk it? Every gas station on the North Side closed because of National Mechanics Day? I didn't get the memo What the Ooooh Betsy.
Let's run away together Maggie.
Start over.
Fuck my family.
But first, you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Betsy! Yeah! Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OH YEAHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! Richard -- Ahh I got nothing.
Ah, Richard You are filling an emotional void with with an erotic fixation on your first love, the automobile.
Yeah I mean, I got busy with a spatula once, you know, but then again, you know, who didn't? Right? Richard, you cannot solve everything with intercourse.
You were saying? Hahaha, shotgun! Why have I got lube in my eyes? That's a tear.
Fitzpatricks don't have tear ducts: fact.
What the fuck do I have to cry about? Your son.
I only have one son and his name is Meghan Fitzpatrick.
So that that's what's eating you, isn't it? You didn't leave me for Elaine.
You left me for your family.
For your son.
That makes about as much sense as a Chinaman winning the Indy 500.
I know that look Ken.
That's denial.
Also, drugs.
But mainly denial.
Right, I went back for the bullshit kid and the bullshit wife.
And everything worked out hunky-dory.
You're being sarcastic.
Am I? Wait, am I? You feel better now? Must have been the grass.
It's called talking about your feelings.
You always could read me.
You have a special gift.
And it's not just that thing you do with your tongue.
Well I better get going.
Prayer session in two hours.
Back to Guru Fucknuts' Playhouse? You don't need those miserable pricks.
Well I may not need the church, but the church needs me.
You're right, I do have a gift.
And it's time those bastards could see it too.
Give 'em hell, Mags.
That's Maggie Guruswami to you, fucknuts.
Give em hell.
Oh, great.
Another booze-soaked drunken-daddy call.
What is it this time? A few shots of whiskey with a side order of regret? My mom left.
Ken's not my real father.
Pat Childs is.
Ugh, unbelievable.
As always, it is all about you.
Did you even hear what I said? I cannot even begin to describe to you the size of the fuck I do not give.
Who cares if Ken is not your biological father.
Case in point: you are the biological father of my child, your only son, and we both know that means nothing.
It's up to you, Fitz.
Get a life or take some place else.
Hey! You lying meatsack! Who the fuck says the secret is "heart?!" The heart is nothing but a fucked up, miserable, abandoning whore! What are you talking about? It's 100% pure beef heart.
Organic, rich in iron, silky texture.
Buy three, get one free! Just a closer walk with thee Grant it Jesus is my plea Your chosen elixir? Triple scotch, straight up.
And what of you, White Satan? Three fingers of bourbon.
Neat.
Let it be dear lord let it be There will be no cancer causing sticks in this establishment! Get out.
We are neither in Cameroon, nor the mid-to-late nineties! GOOD DAY, SIR! When my feeble life is over Time for me shall be no more Guide me gently, safely over To thy kingdom shores To thy shore.
Hey Childs, it's Fitz.
Listen, about that job offer -- We should talk.
Just a closer walk Grant it Jesus is my plea.
Daily walking close to thee Let it be dear lord, let it be Just a closer walk with thee-eeeee
Where the fuck are all the cars? They were repossessed.
All you've ever done is fuck me.
I fucked you? You you you, you love each other.
I think Richard is acting up because he feels abandoned.
By his mother, his father, his son, and now you leaving makes it worse.
Ya, ya what he said.
Someone on this strip is trying to fuck our dealership.
Mr.
Childs told me that he's Ken's long lost brother? I could have been Mrs.
Pat Childs.
Well fuck me.
If you were plowing her with Burbon Sours then that means you Fucking proposed? Oh ya No european country prohibits marriage between first cousins.
We are not doing shit until you tell me why your brother is here.
I think it's time we told everyone the truth.
Richard, I am your real father.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
So that means Paula is My sister.
Wait a second, so Ken's not my real father? When people lose something, they find ways to fill the void.
Sometimes with a business opportunity.
Who needs a son when daddy's got game.
Come on, fuckers! Sometimes with therapy.
This is all the family I need.
And sometimes with a pathetic attempt to make up for lost time.
My father - our father would like to offer you a job.
You tell douche beard he can't buy his way into my life.
We'd start you at And it would give us a chance to work together, as brother and sister.
In case you change your mind.
But somewhere along the way, he'll be faced with a choice that will define who he is as a man.
Get off my property.
Real men stick to their guns and find their own path.
Real men know if you play your cards right, the world is your oyster.
You're a fuckin loser Fitz.
Fuck.
Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd'a won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man What the fuck do you want? The secret is heart.
Oh my god, the hot dog is right.
Maggie.
Ok, Richard, is this really necessary? Get off my ass, felchy-smurf.
Every time your mother abandons the family, you tend to -- Not want to talk about it.
Don't don't look at this as a loss, look at it as a gain.
Now you got two daddys.
Who are both lying sacks of shit.
Face it, the dealership's done.
Richard, you've worked your whole life to build this dealership.
What are you going to do for money? Don't worry your freakishly-shaped head over it.
Fitzy's got a plan to put us back on easy street.
Fuck! There's gotta be something worth pawning in this shithole.
S'up? What are you doing? Looking for the cat.
We do not have a cat.
And mystery solved.
You are welcome.
You want to look for something, look for something I can sell.
Oh hey, what about this? Never.
That is a priceless memory of Richard's father.
Ex-father, dick-drool.
Yeah, Larry.
Wait a minute.
If Ken isn't your father then that means that we are.
Friends, Josh.
I knew it, you big tall bastard.
Legacy is not about blood, it's about nurturing.
Think of Grandma Alice.
She faced adversity, and yet found triumph and she even managed to give back with philanthropic pursuits.
Look! She gave all her money to A.
A.
! Josh, you're a fucking genius.
Yeah I know, right.
Wait, why? Betsy.
The car that made me fall in love with everything.
She must be worth a mint by now.
We gotta track Betsy down.
How do you plan on doing that, Mr.
? Don't worry.
I got a guy.
Foxley Classics.
Get your blast from the past, with no money down.
Foxley? This is your lucky day.
Fitz? I don't think so.
I need you to track down my first love Foxley.
Betsy.
She's a '52 Elwood Classic.
Well, well.
Look who's come crawling back on his hands and knees, huh Fitz? Isn't that your go-to position? I'll take that as a compliment.
Still know how to charm a girl, I see.
Look, find the car, I'll kick you a finder's fee.
Five bills.
A grand.
C'mon, Foxley.
Seven-fifty.
For old time's sake.
For old time's sake? Why didn't you say so.
Twelve hundred.
Fuck.
Fine.
A grand it is but I want it by noon.
Deal.
Foxley Still got it, old man.
Some of it, anyway.
Maggie Murphy.
Yeah, I put on a few years.
Unlike you.
Oh, tell that to my tits.
If they're talking, I'm listening.
We had some crazy times, huh? Yeah.
Streaking through the casino.
You mean running naked 'cause my boyfriend had a shotgun.
That quickee to Rio? You mean when you left me stranded at the airport 'cause you took Elaine instead of me? Oh yeah.
You shoulda been there.
Cuba, that was you.
Oh, Tequila.
Qualuudes.
A cheap motel room.
And That I will never forget.
Why don't we take this conversation somewhere else.
Done.
I know.
This is awkward for me too.
You know, because you were my girlfriend.
And we dated Come through, Foxley? Piece of cake.
How did you find it so fast? Your mom sold it to me before she blew town.
She didn't even negotiate.
A little fuck you to you and your old man.
She knew how much that car meant to you and Ken.
Oh and I'm keeping it.
Okay, first of all, he's not my old man, and we had a deal.
To find the car.
Which I did.
The rest of your deal can go climb up your urethra like those charming little penis fish in the Amazon.
Yuck.
Dot, this car is not just a car to Richard.
It's love.
Abandoned by his father and mother, he needs to fill the void in his heart.
Look, if this is about us, don't drag them into it.
You really think I'd get in bed with you after you ruined my life? I never meant to hurt you.
You're the one who walked away from the dealership.
Which one? The rotting pile of ash or the dumpy trailer on the ass end of dealership row? You know what? He's right.
You broke up with me.
Fine.
I'll give you 5k for the car right now.
Larry? Oh uh How do you feel about layaway? Like I want to roll it up and skull fuck you with it.
Ladies.
Hey! Hey! Hi, how are ya? Ok.
Alright.
Sorry you guys had to witness that by the way.
What can I say? This stud is hard to get over.
Had some good times in old Bets.
You might say it's your very own time machine, transporting you back to the land of yesteryear.
It's a time machine? Holy shit! Ouch! Richard, this is the universe telling you to work through your issues with your father and -- Steal the car.
I'm gonna make her mine again.
No, I'm pretty sure the universe does not condone grand theft auto.
Josh can you de-electrify this fence? Can a child soldier lay a minefield? We cannot steal a car in broad daylight! Ya, Larry's right.
Thank you.
We'll wait until dark.
You wi - Josh, let's go get a drink.
The Church of Intimate Light.
Didn't that used to be a rub'n tug? It's still a still a place of connection, only now it helps us unlock the deity within.
What are you, a fortune cookie? Think of me as a cookie of eternal happiness, a way to touch the divine and caress the future.
Are we still talking about fucking.
I never should have brought you here.
I just thought the church might give you a sense of release.
The kind of release I need, you don't do in church.
Don't you ever want to reach for something more? That's what you said to me that night we were caught doing it on the roof of the Hojos.
There's more than one way to talk to god.
You wanna talk to God? I got a mic right here.
Too much huh? We're not getting any younger, Kenny.
And this is something I really believe in.
Fuck me.
Not unless you're a member of the church.
I'm in, C'mon.
For the record, I am still not condoning this crime! Relax dick stilts.
It's not a crime if it already belongs to you.
This is the family car -- it's my fucking legacy.
Just look at her curves.
You two keep an eye out for the cops.
This is gonna require the old Fitzy touch.
Oh yeah.
C'mon baby.
Come on.
That's my girl.
Let's go.
My balls are cold.
Doesn't your divine leader believe in heat? Modesty is a pebble on the path to enlightenment.
You weren't so modest back in the day.
Fuck.
Feels like I got a pebble shoved up my ass.
Ahem, shhhhh.
Silence begets honesty, friend.
Oh.
You want some fucking honesty? Why didn't you say so? Listen up fucknuts, because I'll only say this once.
We're all full of shit.
But at least I admit it.
I don't pretend to be some Larry Krishna bragging about how humble he is.
Ken, c'mon, sit down.
I'm not sittin' anywhere.
This fake guru bullshit is a cover up and you know it.
As if these assholes weren't a bunch of fired baristas.
I was LAID OFF! I honestly think if you'd get your sack drained and have a stiff drink you wouldn't need to dress like Gandhi's homo brother.
He's right, Stu.
It's Ravi Guruswami! And I'm the one leading the circle of free sharing, ok! This is Burning Man all over again.
Obviously your unwillingness to accept Ravi Guruswamin's supreme enlightenment has dimmed your kwom.
You hear that barista-boy.
He kicked you in the kwom.
Yeah, well I kicked his ass back in middle school and I'll do it again.
Okay, you just bought yourself an hour scrubbing out the reflective pool.
I'm shaking, Stu.
Make that two hours.
Those were MY fire stilts and you know it! Is this the kind of help you were looking for, Magpie? Let's get outta here.
What the fuck's taking so long? Josh! Josh! Sorry, man.
Titanium locks -- no way we can cut through it.
Fuck.
Richard, it's times like this we need to think like Grandma Alice.
Did she let her drinking problem topple her? No, she went to A.
A.
It's all about moving through adversity.
You're absolutely right, stink-pickle.
We need to move through.
Move through very, very fast.
Josh, get out of the fucking way! Oh no no no.
WAIT FOR ME!!!! Hasn't changed one bit.
Same old shitty carpet.
Same lumpy bed.
You don't suppose? No way.
It's been decades.
Still there.
You think this is one of the ones we laced with pcp? Only one way to find out.
Oh God, no! It's been years.
Like riding a bicycle.
Oh that's pretty good.
Typical.
Another broad that let me down.
Fuck! Everything this family touches breaks.
What isn't broken is that hearty Fitzpatrick spirit.
What is broken is your face if you open your pie-hole one more time.
What the fuck is wrong with this car, Josh? Well, we did just go through a chain-linked fence, so it could be multiple things.
I got to get it to a garage.
Whoah! Hey! Whoah! Jeez, at least you still have the memories, man.
That's what's good about time machines.
There's no such thing as time machines, idiot! Richard, it is a time machine.
Look, June 14th, 1989.
That's the day you ran into that fire hydrant.
The day Ken taught me how to hot wire.
Yeah.
'89? Holy shit.
Hey, come here, look.
Junior High.
Remember? Our first joint.
We dropped the cherry.
We almost set the car on fire.
Your father was so mad.
He's not my father, dick-limbs.
Or didn't you get that memo? No, Richard.
You didn't.
You may not be bonded to your family by the chains of DNA but you are bonded by happy memories mister.
"AA" That's Grandma Alice.
It doesn't stand for Alcoholics Anonymous.
It stands for Asslove Alice.
Ohhh Alice.
I loved her work.
This is classic stuff, Larry.
Grandma Alice? But her philanthropic pursuits! She wasn't a whatever-the- fuck-ipist, she fucked for money.
Don't you get it? I used to wack off to your nana.
There's nothing good about the Fitzpatricks.
Ken, Alice, even this car is a piece of shit.
I risked my ass to save you from Foxley.
And this is how it ends? I thought we had something special.
Fuck.
We'll give you some time, Richard.
This is a lot to process.
Josh and I will try to find us a way to get home.
I'll leave you and Betsy alone now.
They don't make dope like they used to.
There's a lot of things they don't make like they use to.
I'd do a couple of things differently though.
We can.
You and me.
Like we should've done all those years ago before that kid fucked up my life.
You mean it? Starting with this.
Oh, Kenny! I mean who would have thunk it? Every gas station on the North Side closed because of National Mechanics Day? I didn't get the memo What the Ooooh Betsy.
Let's run away together Maggie.
Start over.
Fuck my family.
But first, you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Betsy! Yeah! Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OH YEAHHHH! AAAAAHHHHH! Richard -- Ahh I got nothing.
Ah, Richard You are filling an emotional void with with an erotic fixation on your first love, the automobile.
Yeah I mean, I got busy with a spatula once, you know, but then again, you know, who didn't? Right? Richard, you cannot solve everything with intercourse.
You were saying? Hahaha, shotgun! Why have I got lube in my eyes? That's a tear.
Fitzpatricks don't have tear ducts: fact.
What the fuck do I have to cry about? Your son.
I only have one son and his name is Meghan Fitzpatrick.
So that that's what's eating you, isn't it? You didn't leave me for Elaine.
You left me for your family.
For your son.
That makes about as much sense as a Chinaman winning the Indy 500.
I know that look Ken.
That's denial.
Also, drugs.
But mainly denial.
Right, I went back for the bullshit kid and the bullshit wife.
And everything worked out hunky-dory.
You're being sarcastic.
Am I? Wait, am I? You feel better now? Must have been the grass.
It's called talking about your feelings.
You always could read me.
You have a special gift.
And it's not just that thing you do with your tongue.
Well I better get going.
Prayer session in two hours.
Back to Guru Fucknuts' Playhouse? You don't need those miserable pricks.
Well I may not need the church, but the church needs me.
You're right, I do have a gift.
And it's time those bastards could see it too.
Give 'em hell, Mags.
That's Maggie Guruswami to you, fucknuts.
Give em hell.
Oh, great.
Another booze-soaked drunken-daddy call.
What is it this time? A few shots of whiskey with a side order of regret? My mom left.
Ken's not my real father.
Pat Childs is.
Ugh, unbelievable.
As always, it is all about you.
Did you even hear what I said? I cannot even begin to describe to you the size of the fuck I do not give.
Who cares if Ken is not your biological father.
Case in point: you are the biological father of my child, your only son, and we both know that means nothing.
It's up to you, Fitz.
Get a life or take some place else.
Hey! You lying meatsack! Who the fuck says the secret is "heart?!" The heart is nothing but a fucked up, miserable, abandoning whore! What are you talking about? It's 100% pure beef heart.
Organic, rich in iron, silky texture.
Buy three, get one free! Just a closer walk with thee Grant it Jesus is my plea Your chosen elixir? Triple scotch, straight up.
And what of you, White Satan? Three fingers of bourbon.
Neat.
Let it be dear lord let it be There will be no cancer causing sticks in this establishment! Get out.
We are neither in Cameroon, nor the mid-to-late nineties! GOOD DAY, SIR! When my feeble life is over Time for me shall be no more Guide me gently, safely over To thy kingdom shores To thy shore.
Hey Childs, it's Fitz.
Listen, about that job offer -- We should talk.
Just a closer walk Grant it Jesus is my plea.
Daily walking close to thee Let it be dear lord, let it be Just a closer walk with thee-eeeee