Cougar Town s04e07 Episode Script

Oh.
It's noon.
First wine of the day.
Mmm.
Ellie! - Thanks, Boo.
- Mm! When you have a husband that's been wrapped around your finger since the day you met, you can do things like that.
And this.
Hello again.
- Wha-- - I'm sure Grayson pays attention to you like that.
Watch and learn, girlfriend.
Grayson, where were you? I'm relaxing.
Could you maybe not pour wine on the counter? Could you maybe pretend that you love me? Stop spilling wine! Stop not catching it! Amateurs.
Mmm.
Really? Okay, I don't care what you're doing to my island as long as it's consensual.
Wade is finally coming back from Afghanistan tomorrow.
If I don't stretch it out, I could sprain my snooze.
I've heard you call it a sizzle, a hoo, - a hot pocket - Bonnie hunt.
A no country for old men - Woolly mammoth.
- The hurt locker.
Jelly is a vagina thesaurus.
Oh.
A vaginasaurus.
Best dinosaur ever.
- Hey, Jules, good news.
- Hmm? That couple from yesterday wants to come back and see my house.
I think they might put down an offer.
New neighbors? Why was I not asked to approve? You know how you hate everyone and everything? - Yes.
- That.
- Got it.
- But, guys, this new couple is gonna be perfect, except for they are into healthy living.
- Blech! - No.
- They're vegan.
- Hate that.
- What?! - And actually, they don't drink.
- I forbid it! - No sale! Yeah, screw those guys! I mean, who needs their $226,000? We don't.
We don't.
We don't.
We don't.
We don't.
No, no, no, no, no.
We do.
I knew that.
What are we doing? Wade comes home tomorrow, and I still have to sew, like, three more sexy costumes.
Honey, cutting crotches out of pants is not sewing.
Okay, you know how I love those videos of soldiers coming home to surprise their families? Totally.
Anyway, it turns out that Wade's not coming home tomorrow.
- What? - Surprise! - Oh.
- Oh! Uh, this wasn't turned on yet.
We're gonna have to do it again.
Oh, my God! Wade! Wade! Wade! Do it again! Do it again! - Are we really watching "Pretty Woman"? - Shush it.
He's about to close the necklace box on her fingers.
Oh! Ooh! Oh! And boom! A star is born.
You guys don't actually like rom-coms, do you? I mean, they're all dumb cliches and hacky meet-cutes.
No real couples ever meet like that.
Every great couple has a meet-cute story-- Adam and Eve.
Jay-Z and Beyonce.
Oh, you and my mom.
Hey, wait.
What was yours again? She came over to borrow a plunger.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
I wasn't ready.
Tell it again from the beginning.
Oh, I had a great meet-cute with Trav.
They pulled him out and put him in my arms.
But they forgot to tell me how slippery he was.
He kinda just got away from me.
Hence, square head.
Kills at parties.
We just love the neighborhood.
What a great yoga yard.
Tell me about it, sister.
There's nothing that I love more than yoga.
- We should meet every morning.
- Make me stop.
Hey, neighbor! Welcome to the sac! Andy, put away Tobey Maguire! - Oh.
- I hate that I know you named it that.
Yo! I'm putting a militia together.
You sons of bitches ready to take the country back? Andy, are you coming? I had to start without you.
Oh! Are you two the new neighbors? Hot damn, you two have pretty mouths.
Plus, with those bike shorts, you can totally see what he's packing.
- Check it.
- Oh.
Seriously?! Oh! I think I sweated off my birth control patch.
Ahh.
- Baby, what is all over your head? - Huh? Oh, it's just some of that drywall.
Oh.
Sorry.
So when are you going back to Minnesota? I'm sure your family and all your buddies really wanna see you.
Oh, I'm back for good.
I just want to spend as much time with you as I can.
How long do I get to keep you here in Florida? Oh, I don't know.
Until, uh question mark? - Mmm.
- Mmm.
Oh.
What was that? - No, I'm good.
I'm good.
- You good? Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
All right, everybody, empty your pockets right now.
Come on.
You're gonna pay me back every cent you just lost me on that house.
Let's go.
$20, $51 and a That's my treasure map.
For the hundredth time, that is a menu from Long John Silver's.
Maybe we should all apologize to Grayson.
I'm sorry, babe.
- Sorry, babe.
- Sorry, G-man.
They were wearing spandex shorts.
I do not apologize.
Those people could've turned out to be great.
We can't choose our neighbors on first impressions.
I mean, if you had done that, none of us would be here right now.
When Jules and Bobby the cable guy here tried to buy this house, I was not thrilled.
What was so awful about Jules? Peanut.
You got it, hot lips.
Mmm.
Oh, baby.
It's perfect! Oh, my God.
Rednecks.
Hey, lady! Oh, I don't want that.
Man! I can't wait to hear this story.
You were there, you hillbilly.
Yeah, but my memory's a little shaky ever since you I can't remember.
When I need to jog my memory, I just jolt my brain like this.
That plus that equals me.
I want to know how you two ever became friends.
- I mean, you're like a lovable little puppy - Ooh.
And you're like a lady who eats puppies.
Is it weird that that makes me hungry? Sweetie, I would love A burger and fries.
On it.
Man, you should've seen J-bird back in the day.
Believe it or not, we were a bit on the white trash side.
Can you please not talk about that? I mean, I'm not like that anymore.
Your past is who you are.
You have to own it.
I mean, look at you.
What? It feels good.
Wait.
Wait up! Hi.
I'm Jules.
You can call me J-bird.
- No, thank you.
- This is my husband.
Reginald Buttbart III.
Joking.
Name's Bobby Cobb.
Are you two from Planet Nascar? Oh, that is a nice suit.
Are you a weather girl? I'm a lawyer.
- Ooh.
- A girl lawyer? Wow! That sounds like a TV show.
We gotta shake up this case.
Bring in girl lawyer.
Yeah, baby! It's like "Matlock" with knockers.
Hey.
So we really love this house.
Do you know who's selling it? - Actually, Andy and I are.
- Oh, that's great.
We're gonna be girlfriends, girlfriend.
Me and you just tanning our cheeks - on the front lawn together.
- I don't tan cheeks.
Oh, honey, no man wants to tap a white ass.
Thank you for that tip.
Oh, wait.
Do you know where this Andy fella is? He's up there.
- Heaven? - Space? On the roof? Well, that was on the tip of my tongue.
I want you on the tip of my tongue.
Oh, come, baby.
Wait a second.
If Ellie didn't like you, why did she agree to sell? She didn't.
Oh! Oh! Hey, you.
Hey.
And that's what we call a meet-cute.
Get some friends your own age.
Can I get you two anything? Water? Beers? A cup of spermicide? I'll be right back, okay? I'm gonna call mom.
Okay.
Hurry back, baby.
- Did that hurt? - Yes.
Andy, I can't do this.
Ow! I don't think that Wade's ever going home.
Good.
It'd be nice not being the only minority around here.
Oh, right.
You're Hispanic.
I always forget that.
Yeah, me, too.
Andy, Wade said he's planning to stay "until question mark.
" When I'm at a party until question mark, it means I'm never leaving.
Once I was at a rave so long that I forgot my own name, shaved my head, and everyone started calling me Sasha.
It turns out I was actually in a cult.
They were fun guys.
They're all dead now.
Mm.
Welcome to your new home, Trav.
Golf Heaven, Florida.
It's Gulfhaven, Bobby.
Oh, look.
It's girl lawyer.
Watch me make friends.
All right, but I need those briefs today.
Well, I'll try, but I am swamped with other law stuff.
Okay.
But let's skip the motion to dismiss and just move for summary judgment now.
Well, that sounds like a good idea.
I hear Judge Wapner's in a crap mood.
- I'm on the phone! - Well, that's what makes it funny.
I'll call you back.
Tonight's our first night in the new house.
What do you say you and Andy come over for dinner? I'll cook you something real nice.
- Squirrel? - Don't be ridiculous.
It's summer.
What do you say? Oh, I get it.
You're the lonely, needy girl who pushes her way into people's lives.
So sad.
Have a great day, y'all.
Her-dee-der! Yeah! Her-dee-der! I am not needy! I'm gonna make that pale-ass icy bitch love me whether she likes it or not.
Wait.
Where's Travis? Oh! Oh! Drink up, bitch! Whoa.
What? You never seen cousins fountain-fight over a Jeff Gordon sweat rag? Catch you later, cutie.
Even you and Laurie had a meet-cute? If you're asking if we had a moment in which destiny itself reached down and tapped us on the shoulders, as if to say, "you could one day end up together," then the answer is yes, we had that moment, and no, you did not.
Oh, honey.
Did you not tell them about our plunger story? I was gone for 30 seconds.
There were two burgers and fries in there.
I eat when I'm freaked, okay? I love Wade, but until yesterday, he was just a long disty.
And, yes, I maybe told him that I wanted to have beautiful half-black, naturally blonde babies with him, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready for things to be super serious.
I really think that he and I need to slow things down.
Yeah, that's not gonna work.
You two have been taking it slow for over a year, and now he's home and he's probably looking to see if this is gonna be something real.
Laurie, you're either on that train with him or you're not.
Maybe he's not totally on it.
Maybe he wants to slow the train down, too, you know? - Hey.
Sorry.
- Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey.
Um, mom won't let me get off the phone until I tell you you're invited for Easter.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah.
All aboard! Hi.
I'm not much of a wine gal, but this guy I met downtown told me this stuff is perfect for making friends.
What do you say? Ow! Ah! Why would you put your foot in the door if you're not wearing shoes? Seems dumb now.
Oh, yeah.
This toenail's a goner.
Are you comfortable there? Do you need a banjo? Great.
More redneck jokes.
So tell me about you and Andy.
How long have you two been married? - We're not married.
- Oh.
Is he gay? I'm not talking to you about this.
Are you gay? Look, you dress like a boy.
I've died, and this is my hell.
Well, why aren't you two married? Wha-- doesn't he love you? Yes.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Here it comes.
I love that hairy little bald guy so much, but we've been together for three years.
He still hasn't pulled the trigger.
He's got me wrapped around his finger, J-bird.
What if he never asks? What did I do? Promise me you'll never tell anyone this.
I promise.
Right.
Shoot.
Let's start with the bad thing I did.
I told your secret.
But the great thing? I kept it for years.
The only secret I kept longer was the one about Travis and his second grade girlfriend-- this blonde gal named Erin, who, turns out, wasn't a girl.
I'm not kidding.
They actually kissed.
I-I just don't know why you're so upset.
Because when we met, I was a successful attorney.
Jules, I used to make judges cry.
They called me "Tiger Bitch.
" Grayson still does.
Now the one thing that makes me feel good about myself is that I have a husband who has worshiped me since the day we met.
I feel embarrassed now that everybody knows that that wasn't always the case.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Question-- does Travis know that Erin was a boy? Don't ever tell him.
And when I got to the other end of that spaghetti string, there he was.
The ultimate meet-cute.
So you're claiming you went to an Italian restaurant, didn't realize that they also sat a 300-pound animal at your table, and then you and this dog also picked up the opposite ends of the same noodle, and continued to slurp until your lips met? Sounds real to me.
I mean, that's why they became best friends.
The idea that there is such a thing as a spontaneous, magical moment where two people lock eyes and have an instant connection is stupid and fake and damn it! Why couldn't I have had a moment like that with Jules?! Told you this would be fun.
Yep.
No, mom, Laurie eats ham.
Okay, no, y-you don't have to make anything special.
If Wade stays in Florida, it's just to be with me.
That's too much pressure.
I like Wade.
He corrected my Dougie.
I was putting way too much elbow into it.
- Yeah, he's a really good dancer.
- Yeah, really good.
But, Andy, what's next? Marriage? I'm used to having my own space.
And his bags are just sitting there in my living room, all piled up, waitin' to be unpacked.
It's literally my worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare is cats walking on two legs.
Just What are you doing? Look, letting Wade into your life is a big risk, but give it a shot.
If it doesn't feel right, then bail, but don't miss out just because you're scared.
Trust me, I almost made that mistake.
Hey, you think I can get this penny in that can? - Ohh! - Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! What should we call it? - Penny toss.
- Penny toss.
- Mm? - Mm, nah.
Let's keep thinking.
Mm? Hey! Are you gonna ask Ellie to marry you or what? Uh, is she serious? Well? Look, lady I just met, Ellie's great, but I still have questions.
I mean, is she the one? Will she be a good mom? Is she only with me because her mom-- and I quote-- hates the ethnics? Look, I get that Ellie is difficult.
I mean, she can be downright nasty.
Abrasive, contentious - Horrible! - Spiteful - Grizzly! - Vile - Snakelike.
- We're running out of different ways to say "mean.
" But I do love her.
So you're just scared.
Well, not cat-walking-on-two-legs scared, but yeah.
She's a bitch.
That's a good one.
We're done with that.
Okay, you need to sac up before you lose Ellie forever.
Jules! Oh! Cool! It's like I work at Taco Bell.
What's up? I just wanted to say, look at my ring, my ring, my ring.
He proposed! Get over here and let me see that thing.
Aah! I'm sorry I just screamed in your face.
Oh, I get that a lot.
The name's Tom.
I, uh, live across the street.
Before you say what we're both thinking, I'm married.
I'm kinda diggin' this flirty thing we got going, sort of a "will they or won't they?" Vibe.
We're gonna have fun with this.
Okay, well, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but, um, nice to meet you.
Pop in any time you want.
Ah, you'd like that, dirty bird.
Ew.
My goodness, that rock is huge! Mine's half the size and it's fake.
I thought we could finally drink this.
Does this mean what I think it means? We're friends, aren't we? Let's get matching toe rings.
Not unless we're forced to at gunpoint.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Bring it in.
Oh, I don't.
- Oh, come on.
- That's not my-- - uhh! - Aw! Ohh! I'm not gonna let go till you hug me.
Wow, you're annoying.
I know! But I'll always have your back.
And I'm more loyal than I am mean.
Oh.
Well, you're real loyal, aren't you? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Mm.
I love this stuff! I need a bigger glass.
Mm! - And we sip it.
- Mm! I don't.
Wow.
I'm so glad we found each other.
The cracker and the bitch.
It's like what you said.
Our past is who we are.
We have to own it.
if only life would lean our way Go.
- Do I have to? - Yes.
We'd run away to be wherever our adventure waits Since the day we met, I always thought you were too good for me.
I love you.
Laurie ate your burger, and then I ordered you another burger, and I ate that burger.
It's all right.
A distant memory nobody could tell us to stay Hey.
What are you doing? I'm just trying to get my stuff out of your way.
I tell you what.
Why don't we go unpack them? Really? Yeah.
I can find some room.
My way, I heard your heart Hey, do you ever wish we had a cute magical story about how we met? I heard your heart saying Sweetie, I wouldn't change a thing.
I heard your heart saying love, love, love Oh, gosh! - Oh, I'm so sorry! - Oh! Sorry.
Oh, my goodness! I just-- I've been so scattered lately.
I've been trying to win over this neighbor of mine, and she's a pretty sophisticated gal, and well, I'm not.
So - here you go.
- Oh, thanks.
Uh, you know what? Why don't you take this? It's great for making friends.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
Whoa, oh love, love, love Travis? Hi.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure how we know each other.
It's me.
Erin.
We were in second grade together.
Great seeing you, man.
You, too, dude.