Curb Your Enthusiasm s04e07 Episode Script
The Surrogate
Puffy shirt, puffy shirt.
Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer? You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.
- All right, good show.
- Good show.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh my God.
Don't answer it.
I don't want to talk to her.
Well, why does she have to call after every episode? Oh, don't I'm not here.
Hello? Hi, Marilyn.
Uh, yeah, we just watched it.
Yeah, I know, it's it was one of the good ones.
Um, he's actually he's unavailable.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, okay, bye.
"Tell him it was one of my favorite episodes.
It made me laugh so hard.
I swear, it gets better every time I see it.
" I can't believe this woman has to call after every single show.
Every I mean, does it ever end with this lady? What are you doing tomorrow? I'm getting my physical for "The Producers.
" Can you do me a favor? Will you pick up a a present for the Dusenberrys' baby shower? - Me? - You're gonna be right there.
- There's a toy store - You would entrust me that? A gift for a baby? Just get a doll or something.
So you want me to get a doll for Betty? Get a doll for Betty.
It's her baby shower.
Well, what about the surrogate? Get her anything? I don't think you need to worry about the surrogate.
Well, I don't know about that.
I think the surrogate is a person, too.
She's having the baby.
The shower is for Betty.
She's gonna be opening her presents.
The surrogate's standing there like an idiot and has nothing to open? What's the surrogate etiquette? Okay, use your judgment, whatever you think.
If that's what you want to do, that's fine.
Hey, Charlie, what's going on there? Ah, what? What? Come on, you know I can't do anything.
Because the dog bit your penis? Yes.
And so you're It's not ready.
I'm not ready.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
A couple more days.
Mr.
David? Can I make an observation? That magazine collection, you really need to do something about that.
I'm not complaining.
I'm just just making an observation.
Well, the doctor's ready to see you.
Okay.
Just, you know, just for your information, FYI kind of thing.
- It's right that way.
- Okay.
What are you doing, stealing your magazines from garbage cans? I have never seen such a collection of shit in my life.
They're all four years old, those things.
We have other things that we think about other than the magazines, like giving people medical assistance.
"Ladies Home Journal" from 2001.
"People" magazine.
"Tom Cruise is 40!" - "Emilio Estevez is 40!" - Just just keep walking.
Okay.
Wow! "Good for them, they're 40!" it sounds like you're reading a lot - of these magazines you don't like.
- It was right on the cover.
Yeah, you got a lot of that stuff memorized.
Give me a "Golf" magazine or something.
I got the point.
We got it, gotcha.
Get "Nation.
" How about "Nation"? Do you read "Nation"? It's a fabulous magazine.
I have read "Nation.
" That's a good one.
- Hey, Larry.
- Hi, Renee.
How you feeling? - Good.
- Good.
- Larry, how you feeling? - Okay.
Unfortunately, I can't give you a clean bill of health at this point.
Yeah, I don't know what happened.
There was a little, slight abnormality.
We were going along great, and you kind of spiked a little there.
And I can't sign the form for you.
Believe me, there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine.
Jack, I'm fine.
Trust me, I'm fine.
Larry, I can't sign the form for you without taking some precautions, okay? Here's what we're gonna do.
It's simple, come on.
There's no irregularity.
Yes, there is, Larry.
I went to medical school.
I know.
So what we're gonna do is this.
Listen, it's simple: I'm gonna give you a device called a heart halter.
This is ridiculous.
Larry, I have to do it.
I have to do it.
It straps on, a couple of electrodes.
You wear it for 24 hours.
It measures your heartbeat.
You come back and if this was an abnormality, an aberration, the device will confirm it.
You get back on the treadmill for five minutes, I sign the slip, and you're off to Broadway.
- Renee? - Yes? Do you have the halter? You want to give that to Larry? I'm gonna schedule you for an appointment tomorrow.
- Let Renee do this, will you please? - Will you stand up? Will you take off your jacket, Larry? Great.
It's really easy.
There we go.
There you go.
That's it.
There.
I got to tell you what happened last night.
You know, I took Renee home, you know.
We stopped and uh Yeah, I just saw her at Dr.
Jack's.
- She's unbelievable.
- She's beyond unbelievable.
But the point of it is that l Look, have you ever made it with an African-American? Yes.
Twice.
What, the same one twice? Two different ones.
- Same time? - No, same time two different ones.
I'll tell you right now, for some reason I never I never did it with with a black You never met you never met one or No, no one I really, you know Okay, so she'll be the first.
This woman's extraordinary.
So here's the thing: A couple of months ago I went to a Knicks game.
And I went into the locker room to say hello to some of my friends.
They were showering and I looked.
I saw one of the forwards.
And he threw the towel off.
He was getting dressed, and I looked down.
I saw - Big.
Yeah.
- Big? Uh, huge? Big? They could put the Chicago fire out with this.
It was it was a joke.
- Well - It was like from another planet.
Well, he's a big guy.
He's a forward.
You need to see a guard.
Did you see a guard? You can't tell by a forward.
They're too big, out of proportion.
I don't care.
It's me and Renee, and maybe because maybe because, you know, she's black, she maybe dates, you know So you think the black woman might be used to a I mean, if they're used I mean, if that if that's not a myth I could see how it could be a concern.
I don't know whether I would ever want to have intercourse with her, because I'm a little intimidated.
And you're one of the few friends I can tell this to.
Okay, well, then maybe I can I can step in.
I got that 10th anniversary present.
I'm saying if you want to, you know if you're too intimidated to go through with it, I could try.
A good friend doesn't do that.
You don't you don't have intercourse with someone who your friend doesn't screw.
Why? It would be a nice I'd rather go to Tiffany's and get you a bowl.
I don't want a bowl.
All right.
Here you go.
Yeah, I'm not the valet.
Oh, I'm sor It is possible for black people to have other jobs.
No no, I know, of course.
- I already know.
Thanks.
- No, because - It's because I'm black.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah.
You fucked up.
Sorry.
Sorry.
So you automatically think the black man is the valet, huh? - No, I don't automatically - Yes, you did.
I saw it.
No, he's standing by the valet "Get my car, boy.
" I saw it, Larry.
He had on a white shirt and a red tie and a vest.
He's standing by the valet sign.
It's an honest mistake.
Oh, yeah yeah, that's honest.
Anytime I see a black man in a tie and a suit, I think, "Hey, you must park cars for a living.
" I feel it was an honest mistake, Wanda.
No no, if it was a white man standing here, you would not.
I would have given him the valet.
I would too.
- No, you wouldn't.
- I would too have.
- No, you would have asked him, not.
- Too too.
You would have asked him for a stock tip or - where do you golf? - Oh, yeah, right.
How's the filming going? It's good.
I'm shooting over there.
On my little break.
Let me ask you a question.
You've slept with a lot of white men and black men, I'm sure.
- Is there any discernible difference? - What? Let me rephrase that.
Let me rephrase that.
Yeah, rephrase that.
Is there any discernible difference between a white man and a black man you know Why would you ask me something like that, Larry? My friend wants to know.
Why, what's the big deal? I am not gonna answer that.
What is that? What the fuck? What are you doing? It's a bug, a bug.
I had a bug on me.
Look, did you get my script to that guy, that Martin Schaffer? Everything's okay since you want your little favor.
- Did he get my script? - Yes, he did.
- And? - And what? I gave it to him.
He'll read it and get back to you.
He's not gonna rewrite it, is he? - No.
- Okay, 'cause that's my baby.
- Oh yeah yeah.
- I don't want anybody messing with it.
- No one's going to.
- I'm going back to work.
- Go back to work, yeah.
- Messing with you.
Is there any black men around here to is there a valet? I need a black man to get my car.
Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket? - Excuse me? - Yeah, hi.
- Do you work here? - Sure.
Is this the only doll? Yeah, that's the only one left.
- That's it? - Yeah, last one.
- Huh.
- Isn't that cute? - What's the race on this doll? - It's biracial.
- Biracial? Really? - Yeah, absolutely.
Huh.
So they make this doll specifically for mixed couples? For black and white couples? They make a doll for their kids? I don't know.
If somebody's Asian, and they marry a white person, are they making sort of a half-Asian, half-white doll too? See what I'm getting at? Yeah.
I think that's yeah.
Hmm, I wonder if you do.
Okay.
Um, well, I guess 'll take it.
Excellent, let me wrap it up for you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, surprise, it says meow.
Isn't that adorable? Oh, I love it.
Thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
Thank you.
You made it.
What what is this? - My heart.
It's to monitor my heart.
- What? No, I'm fine.
There was an aberration - That's heavy.
- No, I've got wires under there.
- Are you okay? - No, I'm fine.
What does that mean? Nothing.
There was something wrong with the machine.
The doctor wouldn't sign off.
- How long do you have to wear this? - Just a day.
Doesn't Bernie look like Steve Demarco? - No.
- Are you kidding? He looks exactly like him.
They don't look anything alike.
Anytime I ever point out that somebody looks like someone else, you always disagree.
- Because they never do.
- They always do.
- Hey, she's opening our gift.
- Oh, good.
This is from the Davids.
Oh, a doll.
It's a mulatto.
No good? biracial is what we call it, usually.
Biracial.
Hmm, what do you know about that? They gave us another one, too.
That's actually for the surrogate.
Oh.
Well, that's it, gang.
Um, why don't we have some coffee or some dessert? 'Cause that's it.
That's all the gifts.
Thank you guys for coming.
What? - Hi.
- Hey.
Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- I didn't expect it.
You're the one carrying the baby.
That's your baby.
I wouldn't expect them to, but thank you.
- It's very unnecessary.
- Yeah.
- What do you do? - I'm a writer.
Oh, that's cool.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah.
Sometimes, though, it's not such a great job.
You know, like for example, I got this friend.
She just gave a script to me to give to somebody.
She said, "Don't let him touch my baby," you know.
That's what they do.
You work on something for months and months, then they take it away from you, and then that's it.
You never see it again.
They take your baby from you, they give your baby to somebody else, and that's it.
You've lost complete contact with your baby.
You never see the baby again, and it's your baby.
And they give it to another writer.
And that writer doesn't let you even look at your baby.
That's part of your job.
That's what you signed up for.
You knew you had to give it away.
Sort of, but it's hard to give up that baby.
Maybe in a few years you can see how your script's doing.
Yeah, I know, but then it's all changed.
You have nothing to do with it.
All right.
You wanna get some coffee? No way out.
It was shocking, outrageous, insulting, and I loved every minute of it.
- No way out.
- Hey! How are you? How are you? Hey.
I am thoroughly impressed.
Well, oh, come on.
Yes, surprisingly good.
Still on the book? You don't have it under your belt yet? Funny you should mention that.
Why is-is I mean We open dude, we open in three and a half weeks.
Yeah, I know.
Every time you work, he always has the scripts? Yes, every time.
I'll be fine.
I have a little problem memorizing stuff.
Did you guys get your test results back? The insurance company's been bugging me.
Yes yes, yeah yeah, I got mine.
Here.
Clean bill of health, flying colors I might add.
Ooh, results! I'm proud of you.
Where's your little paper? I had a little bit of a problem.
What the hell is that? What is that? - Yeah, I didn't - What is that? - It's called a heart halter.
- Heart halter? I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just didn't pass the physical, that's all.
- What? - There's nothing wrong with me.
Are you too old for this? Is that what he said? No, I'm not too old for it, believe me.
It was a fluke.
I'm fine.
There's nothing wrong with me.
After three shuffle-ball chains, he's winded.
You wanna race me? - You want to go to the parking lot? - I'll go right now.
Put your sneakers on.
I don't need sneakers Let's stop being juvenile.
You can't win.
Let's not race him.
Now look, folks.
Excuse me.
Hey, Dad.
You don't think I could beat him in a race? I don't think you can beat him in a race.
Oh, can I tell you what happened? I'm on the treadmill taking the stress test I got the pictures from Spain.
Yeah, I thought you might like that.
Oh, that's excellent.
She comes in that room again tomorrow when I take the test, I look at the ceiling.
I can tell you that.
Okay, that's great.
All right, I think you're gonna be fine.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine.
Did I just spit on you? - No no no.
- Okay, 'cause you went like that.
No no, I always do that.
When I sweat You're always rubbing your face I noticed.
Victor McLaglan and Adolphe Menjou, Gypo, Gypo Nolan, remember from "The Informer"? Gypo, Gypo Nolan Gypo Nolan.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Brooks? Can I introduce you to my dad? My dad's a huge fan.
This is Irving.
Irving Schwimmer, pleasure to meet you.
Yes, pleasure meeting you.
I'm looking forward to seeing your show.
I've been a fan of yours for years.
I appreciate that.
Would you guys excuse me for one minute? Yeah yeah yeah.
Isn't that awesome? You finally got to meet him.
Yes, I finally did.
So you like those pictures, huh? - Yeah - Good, good.
Dad, this is Larry.
Hi, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
- Right.
- These are great.
- My parents went to Spain.
- Oh! Well, I'd better be taking off, okay? Are those genitals? What is that on that bull? No, that's Oh my God.
All right, Dad.
You told him about the whole cashew-raisin thing, right? We were talking.
You didn't have to go back and tell him, "Larry" - Are you kidding? - I know you said something.
- He was so unfriendly.
- Of course I said something.
It was your suggestion, Mr.
Constructive Criticism.
He's putting four cashews in a bag.
He deserves some constructive criticism.
- Go on about it.
- I want to call him, seriously.
- I don't think so.
- I'd like to call him and apologize.
I don't feel comfortable with you calling my dad.
David, I'm going to apologize.
- I'm gonna be very nice.
I promise.
- Okay.
Just call before 7:00.
- All right, what's his number? - 310-858 This is Irving Schwimmer.
Please leave a message at the tone.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Schwimmer.
Uh, this is Larry David.
I just want to say you fucking asshole! What's your fucking problem, you prick? Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?! Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? What are you doing? You bumped into my car! You think I hit your car? Now I'm gonna hit you in the head.
Oh, my heart! What are you doing? What is this? Is it your heart? All right, just calm down.
Don't take them off.
You shouldn't have took them off.
All right, uh Look oh, Christ.
I don't know CPR.
Hey, somebody call an ambulance.
Call an ambulance! Call 911! Send 'em to the park, come on.
Oh! Hang in there.
Can you breathe? Keep breathing, all right? Whatever you do, don't stop breathing.
Keep doing that.
You got a phone? Seriously, the guy was the guy was coming after me with a tire iron.
I faked the whole thing.
Do you understand what I'm saying? This is ridiculous.
There's nothing wrong with me.
This is just so unnecessary.
Seriously.
I've dated both black men, white men and there really isn't a difference.
It's it's really just kind of a myth.
That's a myth? Boy, too bad for the black guys.
I know.
I know.
I speak from both sides.
I'm half-black and half-white.
Get out of town.
I bought a mulatto doll today.
Okay, um, we don't really use mulatto anymore I was wondering about that, if that was a bad one.
Yeah, it's a bit outdated.
But if we all keep fucking each other, then we're gonna be the same race sooner or later anyways.
- Let's pray for that.
- I do.
- Hello.
- Are you okay? Hey, this is Masasa.
Hi, I'm Cheryl.
Nice to meet you.
Do you think do you think that a biracial person would need sunblock? Would you think that? - I have not thought about it.
- I guess you had to be there.
- We were having a conversation.
- Are you all right? Mrs.
David, it was lovely meeting you.
And good luck to you and your friend.
Thank you.
Oh my God, what happened? - Oh, I'm perfectly fine.
- Are you? Absolutely, perfectly fine.
It was a road rage incident, and a guy came out of his car with a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.
So you know, I had the heart halter, and I faked like I was having a heart attack.
I pulled the wires out You did what? I faked like I was having a heart attack so he wouldn't kill me.
So there's nothing wrong with you? No, I'm fine.
Then why am I here? Why are you in a hospital bed right now? What are you talking about? They took me to the hospital because of the heart attack.
So you're taking up a hospital bed because you're afraid of some weird guy in traffic? Weird guy had a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.
You're in the hospital.
If you're calling me to rush over to help you, I'd think something was wrong with you.
You'd rather come in here and see me with broken limbs? Well, I'd rather not come in here and see you chatting with the nurse.
I'm not allowed to talk to a nurse? You're having a good time in the hospital! You wanted somebody to kill me? Is that what you wanted? You would prefer that? By the way, what did you say to the surrogate? She's gone into labor.
She's here at the hospital, and she's not gonna give the baby up.
What did you tell her? She said she had a talk with you.
I didn't say anything.
You must have said something because Bernie is looking for you 'cause he wants to kick your ass.
That's a quote? That's a quote.
Those bastards.
The fourth time I've been here, and I still can't get this colostomy bag to fit.
It doesn't fit.
And the insurance company won't pay for it.
It's full all the time.
I don't understand why they just don't take care of it.
What are you doing? You can't keep that baby! I was talking about a script.
I want that panda back! So you know, I spoke to this this nurse.
She's biracial.
Bi, what do you mean biracial? - Half-black, half-white mulatto.
- Bisexual? They don't say mulatto anymore.
She got mad at me.
Anyway, she said she's been with black and white men, and she said there's no difference so - Really? - Yeah.
That's fantastic.
Look at that.
Look at that.
- How fantastic is that? - Isn't that good news? Wow, I'm really this is great news, by the way.
I'm gonna see Renee this afternoon.
- I got my physical again, yeah.
- Wow, cool.
Did I tell you that Bernie Dusenberry's gonna kick my ass? Did I mention that? - You mean that big guy? - Yeah, the big guy.
Wait wait wait, let me ask you something.
Hey.
- Holy shit! - Muggsy Bogues? Yes.
I won't shake your hand.
I'm in a bathroom.
- I appreciate that.
- This man has bathroom etiquette.
- I haven't touched anything yet.
- I appreciate it.
- I'm a huge fan, man, huge fan.
- Thank you.
One of the great guards of all time.
- We really enjoyed watching you play.
- Thank you.
- Nice to meet you, man.
- Same here.
Go ahead, do your thing.
What the fuck?! Why are you looking at my dick?! - You looking at me? - No, I wasn't looking.
You crazy? You okay? Are you all right? # Will be king, and be on top to stay # # On top to stay, hey! # Think I'm gonna steal your car? No no, it's just I forgot to I forgot to just put the alarm on.
It's not you.
It's no race thing.
No, no race thing.
Asshole.
No, I don't even need the alarm on.
It's off.
I turned the alarm off, look.
Did it again, huh? So what, the black man in a suit parks cars.
Black man, no suit, he gonna steal your car.
I can't do anything in this city without you watching me, following me? I told you I'm shooting here all week.
He just happened to be there when I turned to put the alarm on.
- That's not my fault.
- You saw the black man, you was like, "Let me lock my car.
" You put the alarm on.
The black man made you go, "Let me lock the car.
" No, I just hadn't done it yet, that's all.
And do you think a black man would want that piece of shit? Piece of shit, how dare you?! No black man don't want a toy car.
Black man want a car with some get up and go.
I didn't think the black man wanted the car.
So look, did you hear back from Martin, from Martin Schaffer about my script? - Yeah.
- And? Sorry to say, didn't like it.
It happens.
Well, did you tell him I was black? No.
Why didn't you tell him I was black? Oh, I don't know.
Why should I? Larry, you don't know when to play the card.
I mean, you know, white guys, they love that shit.
You know, "Oh, look at me.
I'm liberal.
Helping the black person.
" You should know better.
That's when you tell somebody they're black.
All right, all right, I'll tell him you're black, okay? Fine.
Tell him I'm like a brown-skinned black, not light skinned.
Make sure he know I'm real black.
I hope I don't see you for a while.
Getting sick of you.
Take your sick ass in the hospital.
Mr.
David.
Can I say that this is fantastic, the magazines? What an improvement, unbelievable.
I got to tell you something, one of the few times in my life anyone's taken my advice.
It's a pleasure.
- Well, the doctor's waiting to see you.
- Okay.
You know what I say to you now? - What do you say to me? - Keep me waiting.
Can I tell you something? It was the best waiting room experience I've ever had.
- Glad you're happy.
- I'm very happy.
I'm seeing right here that you're happy.
Nice job, and did you notice I got "Golf"? I saw the "Golf.
" I picked up a nice tip.
Hey, Larry.
Hey.
Oh, Bernie Dusenberry called.
I was able to reschedule his appointment.
He'll be here in 10 minutes.
Oh, very good, thanks.
Bye, Larry.
And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
Poor kid.
So as he's telling the story, he starts crying Oh, did I tell you that the surrogate changed her mind? She's gonna give the baby to the Dusenberrys after all.
- Really? Hey, that's great.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I got some good news, too.
- You do? - Penis is healed.
- Oh.
As soon as I get rid of this heart halter, I'm back in business, baby.
I can't do those things.
- It's Marilyn.
- Marilyn.
Don't pick it up.
I'm not talking to her tonight.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hi, please leave your name and number and someone will get back to you, thank you.
This is Irv Schwimmer.
You motherfucking, cocksucking, son-of-a-bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are?! You bald son of a
Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer? You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.
- All right, good show.
- Good show.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh my God.
Don't answer it.
I don't want to talk to her.
Well, why does she have to call after every episode? Oh, don't I'm not here.
Hello? Hi, Marilyn.
Uh, yeah, we just watched it.
Yeah, I know, it's it was one of the good ones.
Um, he's actually he's unavailable.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, okay, bye.
"Tell him it was one of my favorite episodes.
It made me laugh so hard.
I swear, it gets better every time I see it.
" I can't believe this woman has to call after every single show.
Every I mean, does it ever end with this lady? What are you doing tomorrow? I'm getting my physical for "The Producers.
" Can you do me a favor? Will you pick up a a present for the Dusenberrys' baby shower? - Me? - You're gonna be right there.
- There's a toy store - You would entrust me that? A gift for a baby? Just get a doll or something.
So you want me to get a doll for Betty? Get a doll for Betty.
It's her baby shower.
Well, what about the surrogate? Get her anything? I don't think you need to worry about the surrogate.
Well, I don't know about that.
I think the surrogate is a person, too.
She's having the baby.
The shower is for Betty.
She's gonna be opening her presents.
The surrogate's standing there like an idiot and has nothing to open? What's the surrogate etiquette? Okay, use your judgment, whatever you think.
If that's what you want to do, that's fine.
Hey, Charlie, what's going on there? Ah, what? What? Come on, you know I can't do anything.
Because the dog bit your penis? Yes.
And so you're It's not ready.
I'm not ready.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
A couple more days.
Mr.
David? Can I make an observation? That magazine collection, you really need to do something about that.
I'm not complaining.
I'm just just making an observation.
Well, the doctor's ready to see you.
Okay.
Just, you know, just for your information, FYI kind of thing.
- It's right that way.
- Okay.
What are you doing, stealing your magazines from garbage cans? I have never seen such a collection of shit in my life.
They're all four years old, those things.
We have other things that we think about other than the magazines, like giving people medical assistance.
"Ladies Home Journal" from 2001.
"People" magazine.
"Tom Cruise is 40!" - "Emilio Estevez is 40!" - Just just keep walking.
Okay.
Wow! "Good for them, they're 40!" it sounds like you're reading a lot - of these magazines you don't like.
- It was right on the cover.
Yeah, you got a lot of that stuff memorized.
Give me a "Golf" magazine or something.
I got the point.
We got it, gotcha.
Get "Nation.
" How about "Nation"? Do you read "Nation"? It's a fabulous magazine.
I have read "Nation.
" That's a good one.
- Hey, Larry.
- Hi, Renee.
How you feeling? - Good.
- Good.
- Larry, how you feeling? - Okay.
Unfortunately, I can't give you a clean bill of health at this point.
Yeah, I don't know what happened.
There was a little, slight abnormality.
We were going along great, and you kind of spiked a little there.
And I can't sign the form for you.
Believe me, there's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine.
Jack, I'm fine.
Trust me, I'm fine.
Larry, I can't sign the form for you without taking some precautions, okay? Here's what we're gonna do.
It's simple, come on.
There's no irregularity.
Yes, there is, Larry.
I went to medical school.
I know.
So what we're gonna do is this.
Listen, it's simple: I'm gonna give you a device called a heart halter.
This is ridiculous.
Larry, I have to do it.
I have to do it.
It straps on, a couple of electrodes.
You wear it for 24 hours.
It measures your heartbeat.
You come back and if this was an abnormality, an aberration, the device will confirm it.
You get back on the treadmill for five minutes, I sign the slip, and you're off to Broadway.
- Renee? - Yes? Do you have the halter? You want to give that to Larry? I'm gonna schedule you for an appointment tomorrow.
- Let Renee do this, will you please? - Will you stand up? Will you take off your jacket, Larry? Great.
It's really easy.
There we go.
There you go.
That's it.
There.
I got to tell you what happened last night.
You know, I took Renee home, you know.
We stopped and uh Yeah, I just saw her at Dr.
Jack's.
- She's unbelievable.
- She's beyond unbelievable.
But the point of it is that l Look, have you ever made it with an African-American? Yes.
Twice.
What, the same one twice? Two different ones.
- Same time? - No, same time two different ones.
I'll tell you right now, for some reason I never I never did it with with a black You never met you never met one or No, no one I really, you know Okay, so she'll be the first.
This woman's extraordinary.
So here's the thing: A couple of months ago I went to a Knicks game.
And I went into the locker room to say hello to some of my friends.
They were showering and I looked.
I saw one of the forwards.
And he threw the towel off.
He was getting dressed, and I looked down.
I saw - Big.
Yeah.
- Big? Uh, huge? Big? They could put the Chicago fire out with this.
It was it was a joke.
- Well - It was like from another planet.
Well, he's a big guy.
He's a forward.
You need to see a guard.
Did you see a guard? You can't tell by a forward.
They're too big, out of proportion.
I don't care.
It's me and Renee, and maybe because maybe because, you know, she's black, she maybe dates, you know So you think the black woman might be used to a I mean, if they're used I mean, if that if that's not a myth I could see how it could be a concern.
I don't know whether I would ever want to have intercourse with her, because I'm a little intimidated.
And you're one of the few friends I can tell this to.
Okay, well, then maybe I can I can step in.
I got that 10th anniversary present.
I'm saying if you want to, you know if you're too intimidated to go through with it, I could try.
A good friend doesn't do that.
You don't you don't have intercourse with someone who your friend doesn't screw.
Why? It would be a nice I'd rather go to Tiffany's and get you a bowl.
I don't want a bowl.
All right.
Here you go.
Yeah, I'm not the valet.
Oh, I'm sor It is possible for black people to have other jobs.
No no, I know, of course.
- I already know.
Thanks.
- No, because - It's because I'm black.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah.
You fucked up.
Sorry.
Sorry.
So you automatically think the black man is the valet, huh? - No, I don't automatically - Yes, you did.
I saw it.
No, he's standing by the valet "Get my car, boy.
" I saw it, Larry.
He had on a white shirt and a red tie and a vest.
He's standing by the valet sign.
It's an honest mistake.
Oh, yeah yeah, that's honest.
Anytime I see a black man in a tie and a suit, I think, "Hey, you must park cars for a living.
" I feel it was an honest mistake, Wanda.
No no, if it was a white man standing here, you would not.
I would have given him the valet.
I would too.
- No, you wouldn't.
- I would too have.
- No, you would have asked him, not.
- Too too.
You would have asked him for a stock tip or - where do you golf? - Oh, yeah, right.
How's the filming going? It's good.
I'm shooting over there.
On my little break.
Let me ask you a question.
You've slept with a lot of white men and black men, I'm sure.
- Is there any discernible difference? - What? Let me rephrase that.
Let me rephrase that.
Yeah, rephrase that.
Is there any discernible difference between a white man and a black man you know Why would you ask me something like that, Larry? My friend wants to know.
Why, what's the big deal? I am not gonna answer that.
What is that? What the fuck? What are you doing? It's a bug, a bug.
I had a bug on me.
Look, did you get my script to that guy, that Martin Schaffer? Everything's okay since you want your little favor.
- Did he get my script? - Yes, he did.
- And? - And what? I gave it to him.
He'll read it and get back to you.
He's not gonna rewrite it, is he? - No.
- Okay, 'cause that's my baby.
- Oh yeah yeah.
- I don't want anybody messing with it.
- No one's going to.
- I'm going back to work.
- Go back to work, yeah.
- Messing with you.
Is there any black men around here to is there a valet? I need a black man to get my car.
Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket? - Excuse me? - Yeah, hi.
- Do you work here? - Sure.
Is this the only doll? Yeah, that's the only one left.
- That's it? - Yeah, last one.
- Huh.
- Isn't that cute? - What's the race on this doll? - It's biracial.
- Biracial? Really? - Yeah, absolutely.
Huh.
So they make this doll specifically for mixed couples? For black and white couples? They make a doll for their kids? I don't know.
If somebody's Asian, and they marry a white person, are they making sort of a half-Asian, half-white doll too? See what I'm getting at? Yeah.
I think that's yeah.
Hmm, I wonder if you do.
Okay.
Um, well, I guess 'll take it.
Excellent, let me wrap it up for you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh, surprise, it says meow.
Isn't that adorable? Oh, I love it.
Thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
Thank you.
You made it.
What what is this? - My heart.
It's to monitor my heart.
- What? No, I'm fine.
There was an aberration - That's heavy.
- No, I've got wires under there.
- Are you okay? - No, I'm fine.
What does that mean? Nothing.
There was something wrong with the machine.
The doctor wouldn't sign off.
- How long do you have to wear this? - Just a day.
Doesn't Bernie look like Steve Demarco? - No.
- Are you kidding? He looks exactly like him.
They don't look anything alike.
Anytime I ever point out that somebody looks like someone else, you always disagree.
- Because they never do.
- They always do.
- Hey, she's opening our gift.
- Oh, good.
This is from the Davids.
Oh, a doll.
It's a mulatto.
No good? biracial is what we call it, usually.
Biracial.
Hmm, what do you know about that? They gave us another one, too.
That's actually for the surrogate.
Oh.
Well, that's it, gang.
Um, why don't we have some coffee or some dessert? 'Cause that's it.
That's all the gifts.
Thank you guys for coming.
What? - Hi.
- Hey.
Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- I didn't expect it.
You're the one carrying the baby.
That's your baby.
I wouldn't expect them to, but thank you.
- It's very unnecessary.
- Yeah.
- What do you do? - I'm a writer.
Oh, that's cool.
- Sounds good.
- Yeah.
Sometimes, though, it's not such a great job.
You know, like for example, I got this friend.
She just gave a script to me to give to somebody.
She said, "Don't let him touch my baby," you know.
That's what they do.
You work on something for months and months, then they take it away from you, and then that's it.
You never see it again.
They take your baby from you, they give your baby to somebody else, and that's it.
You've lost complete contact with your baby.
You never see the baby again, and it's your baby.
And they give it to another writer.
And that writer doesn't let you even look at your baby.
That's part of your job.
That's what you signed up for.
You knew you had to give it away.
Sort of, but it's hard to give up that baby.
Maybe in a few years you can see how your script's doing.
Yeah, I know, but then it's all changed.
You have nothing to do with it.
All right.
You wanna get some coffee? No way out.
It was shocking, outrageous, insulting, and I loved every minute of it.
- No way out.
- Hey! How are you? How are you? Hey.
I am thoroughly impressed.
Well, oh, come on.
Yes, surprisingly good.
Still on the book? You don't have it under your belt yet? Funny you should mention that.
Why is-is I mean We open dude, we open in three and a half weeks.
Yeah, I know.
Every time you work, he always has the scripts? Yes, every time.
I'll be fine.
I have a little problem memorizing stuff.
Did you guys get your test results back? The insurance company's been bugging me.
Yes yes, yeah yeah, I got mine.
Here.
Clean bill of health, flying colors I might add.
Ooh, results! I'm proud of you.
Where's your little paper? I had a little bit of a problem.
What the hell is that? What is that? - Yeah, I didn't - What is that? - It's called a heart halter.
- Heart halter? I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just didn't pass the physical, that's all.
- What? - There's nothing wrong with me.
Are you too old for this? Is that what he said? No, I'm not too old for it, believe me.
It was a fluke.
I'm fine.
There's nothing wrong with me.
After three shuffle-ball chains, he's winded.
You wanna race me? - You want to go to the parking lot? - I'll go right now.
Put your sneakers on.
I don't need sneakers Let's stop being juvenile.
You can't win.
Let's not race him.
Now look, folks.
Excuse me.
Hey, Dad.
You don't think I could beat him in a race? I don't think you can beat him in a race.
Oh, can I tell you what happened? I'm on the treadmill taking the stress test I got the pictures from Spain.
Yeah, I thought you might like that.
Oh, that's excellent.
She comes in that room again tomorrow when I take the test, I look at the ceiling.
I can tell you that.
Okay, that's great.
All right, I think you're gonna be fine.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine.
Did I just spit on you? - No no no.
- Okay, 'cause you went like that.
No no, I always do that.
When I sweat You're always rubbing your face I noticed.
Victor McLaglan and Adolphe Menjou, Gypo, Gypo Nolan, remember from "The Informer"? Gypo, Gypo Nolan Gypo Nolan.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Mr.
Brooks? Can I introduce you to my dad? My dad's a huge fan.
This is Irving.
Irving Schwimmer, pleasure to meet you.
Yes, pleasure meeting you.
I'm looking forward to seeing your show.
I've been a fan of yours for years.
I appreciate that.
Would you guys excuse me for one minute? Yeah yeah yeah.
Isn't that awesome? You finally got to meet him.
Yes, I finally did.
So you like those pictures, huh? - Yeah - Good, good.
Dad, this is Larry.
Hi, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
- Right.
- These are great.
- My parents went to Spain.
- Oh! Well, I'd better be taking off, okay? Are those genitals? What is that on that bull? No, that's Oh my God.
All right, Dad.
You told him about the whole cashew-raisin thing, right? We were talking.
You didn't have to go back and tell him, "Larry" - Are you kidding? - I know you said something.
- He was so unfriendly.
- Of course I said something.
It was your suggestion, Mr.
Constructive Criticism.
He's putting four cashews in a bag.
He deserves some constructive criticism.
- Go on about it.
- I want to call him, seriously.
- I don't think so.
- I'd like to call him and apologize.
I don't feel comfortable with you calling my dad.
David, I'm going to apologize.
- I'm gonna be very nice.
I promise.
- Okay.
Just call before 7:00.
- All right, what's his number? - 310-858 This is Irving Schwimmer.
Please leave a message at the tone.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Schwimmer.
Uh, this is Larry David.
I just want to say you fucking asshole! What's your fucking problem, you prick? Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?! Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? What are you doing? You bumped into my car! You think I hit your car? Now I'm gonna hit you in the head.
Oh, my heart! What are you doing? What is this? Is it your heart? All right, just calm down.
Don't take them off.
You shouldn't have took them off.
All right, uh Look oh, Christ.
I don't know CPR.
Hey, somebody call an ambulance.
Call an ambulance! Call 911! Send 'em to the park, come on.
Oh! Hang in there.
Can you breathe? Keep breathing, all right? Whatever you do, don't stop breathing.
Keep doing that.
You got a phone? Seriously, the guy was the guy was coming after me with a tire iron.
I faked the whole thing.
Do you understand what I'm saying? This is ridiculous.
There's nothing wrong with me.
This is just so unnecessary.
Seriously.
I've dated both black men, white men and there really isn't a difference.
It's it's really just kind of a myth.
That's a myth? Boy, too bad for the black guys.
I know.
I know.
I speak from both sides.
I'm half-black and half-white.
Get out of town.
I bought a mulatto doll today.
Okay, um, we don't really use mulatto anymore I was wondering about that, if that was a bad one.
Yeah, it's a bit outdated.
But if we all keep fucking each other, then we're gonna be the same race sooner or later anyways.
- Let's pray for that.
- I do.
- Hello.
- Are you okay? Hey, this is Masasa.
Hi, I'm Cheryl.
Nice to meet you.
Do you think do you think that a biracial person would need sunblock? Would you think that? - I have not thought about it.
- I guess you had to be there.
- We were having a conversation.
- Are you all right? Mrs.
David, it was lovely meeting you.
And good luck to you and your friend.
Thank you.
Oh my God, what happened? - Oh, I'm perfectly fine.
- Are you? Absolutely, perfectly fine.
It was a road rage incident, and a guy came out of his car with a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.
So you know, I had the heart halter, and I faked like I was having a heart attack.
I pulled the wires out You did what? I faked like I was having a heart attack so he wouldn't kill me.
So there's nothing wrong with you? No, I'm fine.
Then why am I here? Why are you in a hospital bed right now? What are you talking about? They took me to the hospital because of the heart attack.
So you're taking up a hospital bed because you're afraid of some weird guy in traffic? Weird guy had a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.
You're in the hospital.
If you're calling me to rush over to help you, I'd think something was wrong with you.
You'd rather come in here and see me with broken limbs? Well, I'd rather not come in here and see you chatting with the nurse.
I'm not allowed to talk to a nurse? You're having a good time in the hospital! You wanted somebody to kill me? Is that what you wanted? You would prefer that? By the way, what did you say to the surrogate? She's gone into labor.
She's here at the hospital, and she's not gonna give the baby up.
What did you tell her? She said she had a talk with you.
I didn't say anything.
You must have said something because Bernie is looking for you 'cause he wants to kick your ass.
That's a quote? That's a quote.
Those bastards.
The fourth time I've been here, and I still can't get this colostomy bag to fit.
It doesn't fit.
And the insurance company won't pay for it.
It's full all the time.
I don't understand why they just don't take care of it.
What are you doing? You can't keep that baby! I was talking about a script.
I want that panda back! So you know, I spoke to this this nurse.
She's biracial.
Bi, what do you mean biracial? - Half-black, half-white mulatto.
- Bisexual? They don't say mulatto anymore.
She got mad at me.
Anyway, she said she's been with black and white men, and she said there's no difference so - Really? - Yeah.
That's fantastic.
Look at that.
Look at that.
- How fantastic is that? - Isn't that good news? Wow, I'm really this is great news, by the way.
I'm gonna see Renee this afternoon.
- I got my physical again, yeah.
- Wow, cool.
Did I tell you that Bernie Dusenberry's gonna kick my ass? Did I mention that? - You mean that big guy? - Yeah, the big guy.
Wait wait wait, let me ask you something.
Hey.
- Holy shit! - Muggsy Bogues? Yes.
I won't shake your hand.
I'm in a bathroom.
- I appreciate that.
- This man has bathroom etiquette.
- I haven't touched anything yet.
- I appreciate it.
- I'm a huge fan, man, huge fan.
- Thank you.
One of the great guards of all time.
- We really enjoyed watching you play.
- Thank you.
- Nice to meet you, man.
- Same here.
Go ahead, do your thing.
What the fuck?! Why are you looking at my dick?! - You looking at me? - No, I wasn't looking.
You crazy? You okay? Are you all right? # Will be king, and be on top to stay # # On top to stay, hey! # Think I'm gonna steal your car? No no, it's just I forgot to I forgot to just put the alarm on.
It's not you.
It's no race thing.
No, no race thing.
Asshole.
No, I don't even need the alarm on.
It's off.
I turned the alarm off, look.
Did it again, huh? So what, the black man in a suit parks cars.
Black man, no suit, he gonna steal your car.
I can't do anything in this city without you watching me, following me? I told you I'm shooting here all week.
He just happened to be there when I turned to put the alarm on.
- That's not my fault.
- You saw the black man, you was like, "Let me lock my car.
" You put the alarm on.
The black man made you go, "Let me lock the car.
" No, I just hadn't done it yet, that's all.
And do you think a black man would want that piece of shit? Piece of shit, how dare you?! No black man don't want a toy car.
Black man want a car with some get up and go.
I didn't think the black man wanted the car.
So look, did you hear back from Martin, from Martin Schaffer about my script? - Yeah.
- And? Sorry to say, didn't like it.
It happens.
Well, did you tell him I was black? No.
Why didn't you tell him I was black? Oh, I don't know.
Why should I? Larry, you don't know when to play the card.
I mean, you know, white guys, they love that shit.
You know, "Oh, look at me.
I'm liberal.
Helping the black person.
" You should know better.
That's when you tell somebody they're black.
All right, all right, I'll tell him you're black, okay? Fine.
Tell him I'm like a brown-skinned black, not light skinned.
Make sure he know I'm real black.
I hope I don't see you for a while.
Getting sick of you.
Take your sick ass in the hospital.
Mr.
David.
Can I say that this is fantastic, the magazines? What an improvement, unbelievable.
I got to tell you something, one of the few times in my life anyone's taken my advice.
It's a pleasure.
- Well, the doctor's waiting to see you.
- Okay.
You know what I say to you now? - What do you say to me? - Keep me waiting.
Can I tell you something? It was the best waiting room experience I've ever had.
- Glad you're happy.
- I'm very happy.
I'm seeing right here that you're happy.
Nice job, and did you notice I got "Golf"? I saw the "Golf.
" I picked up a nice tip.
Hey, Larry.
Hey.
Oh, Bernie Dusenberry called.
I was able to reschedule his appointment.
He'll be here in 10 minutes.
Oh, very good, thanks.
Bye, Larry.
And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
Poor kid.
So as he's telling the story, he starts crying Oh, did I tell you that the surrogate changed her mind? She's gonna give the baby to the Dusenberrys after all.
- Really? Hey, that's great.
- Yeah.
- Oh, I got some good news, too.
- You do? - Penis is healed.
- Oh.
As soon as I get rid of this heart halter, I'm back in business, baby.
I can't do those things.
- It's Marilyn.
- Marilyn.
Don't pick it up.
I'm not talking to her tonight.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hi, please leave your name and number and someone will get back to you, thank you.
This is Irv Schwimmer.
You motherfucking, cocksucking, son-of-a-bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are?! You bald son of a