Dad's Army (1968) s04e07 Episode Script
Put That Light Out
Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? To wage war successfully, every commander in the field should put himself in the enemy's shoes and see the situation from their point of view.
So, I ask myself, if I were in Adolf's shoes, what would Adolf be thinking? He'd be wondering what you were doing with his shoes on! Amusing, Walker, but it doesn't help.
Sir, he'd probably be thinking, ''I wonder what they've been up to.
'' Quite right, Corporal, and what have we been up to since Dunkirk? He'd have to come and look to find out.
Hey, that air-raid warden in Gardenia Gardens looks like Herr Hitler.
No, Pike, I don't think Hitler would come personally.
Why not? Hess did.
I think he'd send a recce party in a submarine or Hess was an entirely different case.
Or send a swift, silent surface craft.
- Canoes! - I beg your pardon? Canoes.
They might come across in them.
We're talking about Nazis, not Apache Indians! I always thought Apache were French dancers.
The ones where the gentlemen throw the lady around rather badly.
I never liked them.
There were a couple of Apache dancers on the bill with Nellie Wallace.
He treated her with disdain and threw her towards the trombone player.
She was very haughty and had very big thighs and long black silk stockings.
- Big thighs? Big thighs - Yes, big thighs, and she used to do a lot of All right, all right, I think we're wandering from the point a bit.
Let Captain Mainwaring get back into Hitler's shoes.
The obvious place for a recce would be in the estuary, here.
I have permission to set up an observation post in the lighthouse, here.
Permission to interfere, sir? The lighthouse is not being used any more and therefore it's closed and not open.
They used it when yon convoy came through.
That's quite right, Frazer, it is used on special occasions.
They're quite happy for us to set up a guard post in here from time to time.
- This evening, Corporal Jones - Sir? You, with your section, will rendezvous at the Jolly Roger ice-cream parlour, here on the end of the jetty, and when the tide is low you will cross the causeway here, and once inside the lighthouse you will open these sealed orders.
- Understood? - Thank you, sir.
One question, sir.
After I've opened the sealed orders, what shall I do? Read them very carefully.
Right, that's all.
Dismissed.
Quick as you can, outside, quick as you can.
That's right.
Godfrey.
Excuse me, sir, I won't be able to go along tonight as I'm delivering essential supplies.
- I've heard of these ''essential supplies''.
- This is vitalfor the hospitalthe nurses.
Not elastic again, is it? - No, it's hairpins.
- Oh, really, Walker! Straight up.
Their hair keeps falling in the operations and the surgeon's a bit of a fusspot.
I'll report back as soon as I've finished.
This won't do, Walker.
A parade is a parade.
- I might bring that bottle of whisky for you.
- Oh, never mind that.
Just get back here as soon as you can.
By the way, Bert's fixed the Lewis gun.
- I'll bring it when I come back.
- Splendid.
- I'll bring you back that whisky an' all.
- Right, off you go.
- Rough diamond, isn't he? - Ye-es.
- Heart of gold, of course.
- Yes, of course, yes.
When the lights go on again all over the world (JONES) Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Mark time! Open door! Forward! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Mark time! Squad, halt! Right turn! Stand at ease! Right, I'm now going to take out the sealed orders, and having taken out the sealed orders, I am going to unseal them.
Having unsealed them, I am going to read them to you.
You will pay attention.
While you're opening the sealed orders, might I be excused? - No, no, you've got to wait.
- It's a long way down.
Yeah.
Here we are.
''Orders for section on watch at the lighthouse.
- ''You will commence duty at 2,000 hours.
'' - 20.
00 hours.
- Silence! - (MUTTERS) ''You will commence duty at 20.
00 hours.
''Two, you will keep a strict lookout for any fifth columnists, ''spies or saboteurs infiltrated up the estuary.
'' - What do we do if we see any? - Tell me.
I'm your commander.
I'll tell Mr Mainwaring.
He's my commander.
And he will tell his commander and his commander will tellsomebody else.
- May I be excused now? - No, you've got to wait.
Here we are.
''Guards will not be relieved until 08.
00 hours.
'' - We'll revise platoon advance to ''contact'' - Yes.
- Ah! Glad I caught you, and you.
- We're busy, Mr Hodges.
What do you want? For two weeks I've had serious reports from my warden on this street.
You've been flashing lights from this hall on 27 separate occasions.
That's three more than 17 Pembroke Gardens, and they were enemy aliens.
- I can't accept that.
- One more infringement from these premises, - you'll be up before the magistrate.
- You've no authority over the military.
Military? That's a laugh for a start.
Mainwaring, if you think you can strut around like Lord Muck, you can't! I'm in charge of this sector and I'm warning you! Put that finger down and get out of my headquarters.
I'm going, but you've had your warning - your last warning.
One more flash out of you and you'll have a policeman feeling your collar.
- Corporal Jones? - What? Do you think Mr Godfrey's all right? He's been gone a long time.
He's all right.
There's a lot of steps, isn't there? - There's always a lot of steps in a lighthouse.
- He's been gone a quarter of an hour.
He'll get halfway up and have to start down again.
Why don't you pop down and see how he's getting on? Mm, all right.
Hang on.
Did you lock and bar the door to the rock when we came up? No, it's open, I think.
Aa-aah.
Well, then, wild horses wouldnae drag me down there before dawn.
- Why not, Mr Frazer? - Sit down and I'll tell ye.
Because of something that happened to my old school friend Willie.
He was keeper of the light on the Fair Loch rock.
A wild, lonely storm-wracked cliff it is, I tell ye, and many a tall ship has gone to its cold, watery grave pounding on those granite boulders.
One night - it was such a night as this - when the wind was wailing mournfully in the rigging - Mr Frazer, lighthouses don't have rigging.
- This one did.
Willie started down the stairs to bring up a new wick for the lamp.
Near the bottom, something made him stop.
Below in the gloom, he could hear a low, painful moan, and aslithering Something was moving in the dark.
Willie started back upstairs.
He could see nothing.
But the dark was darker and the moan was moaning louder and the slithering was coming nearer and nearer.
Willie didn't hesitate, he scrambled up the stairs, up and up he went, higher and higher till his lungs weregasping and his heart was thumping out of his body.
He darenae stop, because he knew that the thing was behind him! He reached the top, and with one desperate effort he flung himself into the lamp house and threw himsel' against the door! Holding his breath, he listened.
Aa-aah! There it was Unmistakable The thing was on the other side trying to get intrying to get in! - (URGENT KNOCKING) - Aah! - It can't get in! It can't get in! - Wheesht! Quiet, the both of ye.
- Listen.
- (GODFREY) Would somebody open the door? Godfrey! (HUMMING) - Oh, hello.
- Hello, Mr Albert, didn't expect to see you.
- I was going to leave a note.
- Anything important? There's been a bit of a blitz on blackouts.
The police have been complaining to the bigwigs at HQ, who've sent it to me.
We don't have much bother on the harbour front.
- Fancy a cup? - Don't mind if I do.
Anyway, watch the blackouts, won't you? Two lumps, please.
- Mr Jones? - Yeah? If we do go downstairs, we won't see Willie's slithery thing, will we? No, of course we won't.
- I'm going to stay up here.
Aren't you? - As long as possible.
- If we go, we'll go together.
- That'll be nice.
- Yes.
- We can take a rifle and a candle.
- If we see the slithery thing we can shoot it.
- We'll fix bayonets an' all.
Yeah.
I don't suppose slithery things like it up 'em any more than fuzzy-wuzzies do.
You can't beat the old steel, you know, Pikey.
- I wish Uncle Arthur was with us.
Don't you? - No, I wish we was with him.
- I say - (BOTH) Aah! I'm sorry, Mr Godfrey.
I was just wondering, if we saw spies, how could we tell Captain Mainwaring? I suppose we'll have to use our initiative.
Failing that, there's a telephone on the wall.
Yesthat's what I meanuse our initiative and that telephone on the wall.
- Is it working? - I don't know.
We'll have to try it, won't we? That's the best thing.
We'll try it, yes.
We'll try it.
Hello? Jones the butcher here.
Hello? It's dead.
- Dead? - We're cut off! Stay calm! We're cut off! Stay calm! The slithery thing has wrapped itself round the wire! No, you idiot! - Perhaps they hadn't paid the bill.
- Lighthouses dinnae get bills! My sister forgot to pay the bill once and we were cut off.
We didn't know for over two weeks because few people ring us.
- There's a light switch.
- Don't touch that, we're not blacked out! We can shade it long enough to have a quick keek.
All right, then, here we go.
The electricity is cut off! Keep calm! Keep calm! - It's the slithery thing! - Shut up! Shut up! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's the main switch.
I'll do the main switch.
(WHIRR OF MOTOR) That's the slithery thing! It is, it's the slithery thing! I'm beginning to feel a little frightened.
- Look! - It was nae slithery thing.
It was the generator! It's all right, men, it's only the generator.
Only the generator.
Only Oh, blimey! Anyway, you can read the instructions all right now.
- What about the blackout? - Oh, better turn it off.
Quick.
Yeah, I'd better turn it off.
I'm now going to turn it offturn it off.
Right.
They used to have a time switch in ''The Phantom Light'' with Gordon Harker.
We cannae keep looking for switches.
It's lighting up the whole coast! You've got to act, man.
That's right, Frazer, a bit of action, yes.
Pikey, go on looking for switches and Frazer and I, we'lldo something else.
Wait a minuteI know! We'll fix bayonets.
Fix bayonets Here, you're not going to charge the damn thing, are you? - I'm in command.
You fix bayonets.
- Right.
My sister broke a 40-watt bulb once, accidentally.
It made an awful bang.
Break that and it'll blow us all into the sea! Listen, Godfrey, you give me your blanket.
We'll fix one corner to my bayonet and the other corner to Frazer's bayonet.
- Ah! - Right.
That's right.
- Stick it on the top.
- Right.
Right.
Ready? Lift it up and follow me.
Wait for the light.
Here we go Left, right, left, right Left, right, left, right, left, right - That's cleared up the bumph for the time being.
- Good.
These brass heads from the War Office certainly like theirred tape, don't they? - Yes, they certainly do, sir.
- Makes it hard for the front-line fighting troops.
This front-line fighting troop's going to have an early night, sir.
Yes, why not? - See you anon.
- What are you doing, Wilson? - That's funny - I don't find it funny.
Switch the light on.
Come outside, sir.
Come on.
Look.
What do you make of that? Over there.
It's only the lighthouse.
Probably a special convoy going through.
Good heavens! It's Jones's section.
Is it possible that somebody might be meddling with something that doesn't concern them? - Get to the harbour at once, Wilson.
- All right, sir.
- That was a real good cup of tea.
- Walker from the Home Guard got it for us.
Walker? I wouldn't have touched it if I'd known.
Since the Luftwaffe haven't honoured us with their presence, I'll pop off home.
- Goodnight, Mr Albert.
- Night.
Mr Albert? Mr Albert? I haven't been notified that they were flashing tonight.
The Home Guard went out at low tide.
- Not Mainwaring's mob? - That old lance corporal fella.
Ruddy hooligans! Put that light out! Put that ruddy light out! - They can't hear you.
- I'll make them.
Put that light out! - Don't worry.
- I'll get Mainwaring on the phone, I'll tell him! I'll tell Headquarters! I'll have him busted.
Put that light out! I can't keep this up much longer.
- Right-o, Frazer, stand by next time round.
- Right.
It's like the ruddy The light, come on.
Left, right, left, right Pick 'em up, pick 'em up, pick 'em up! - Hold back! - What's your game, Frazer? When I say, ''Left, right, pick 'em up,'' I mean, pick It's stuck.
Look at this.
You've clogged the cogs.
Well, we don't have to go on running round like squirrels in a cage any more.
Doesn't Walmington look pretty all lit up? - Blimey! - It's stuck right across the town! It's a good job the siren hasn't gone.
(SIREN) I don't think Mr Mainwaring is going to be very pleased with us.
(SIREN CONTINUES) It seems to have stopped going round and round, sir.
- This is damn serious, Wilson.
- Yes.
It's lighting up the whole town! We're a sitting target for every Jerry plane within 50 miles.
That fool Mainwaring isn't even in his headquarters.
Look! Your lot have done that! The whole town lit up like Blackpool illuminations and now Jerry's arrived! - I'm aware of the situation.
- What are you going to do? - We must get out there.
- We can't.
The tide's in.
- The causeway's submerged.
- Get a boat.
- You'd be dashed to pieces on the rocks! - We can try.
- Come on, Wilson, get a lifebelt.
- You can't do it.
Let them be dashed to pieces, serves them right! - You can't do it.
- There's no such word as can't.
If the spirit is willing, there's nothing can stop us.
- There isn't a boat.
- Ah.
That is rather an obstacle.
Well, we must find some other way.
A pound to a penny, he'll try and walk on the water.
What a lark, old Jonesy up the creek without a paddle and no mistake.
- We have to put that light out somehow.
- Shoot it.
- What? - He's got a Lewis gun.
Shoot it out.
- Can't do that.
- You mean you couldn't hit it.
One of our men might get hit! But the town, the women and children, the bombs raining down on them? - They're not raining down.
- They will be any minute.
If you won't, I will.
Give us that gun.
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) Oh! I'm dizzy, get us a chair.
I'm going to have one of my turns.
Come and sit down.
Behave yourself.
Keep quiet.
I know a bloke at the power station.
See him right, he'll black out the county! - Mind, the aircraft factory will have to stop.
- Don't be ridiculous.
The transformer's round the back.
Let's have a go at that.
- If you can't be sensible, keep quiet.
- I think that's very sensible.
- Oh.
- Lead on, Walker.
Take this gun.
We can't leave it with those people.
Right.
You lift this up, you see, hold the blanket up nice and high, and that'll stop the light going over the town, won't it? - Right, there you are, that's right.
- That's quite good.
It doesn't stop it altogether but it's a much softer light.
The other was terribly hard.
Mr Jones, there's steam coming out of the middle of the blanket.
That'll air it.
It's probably a bit damp, you see.
When my mum puts things in front of the fire to air, the steam's white.
That's steaming black.
Blanket on fire! Don't panic! Don't panic! Get the fire extinguisher! Oh, dear.
Unfortunately it seems to be locked.
That's easy.
Anyone got a pin? You got a hairpin? - Am I likely to have a hairpin? - Don't you sell them? I'd have to open a new packet.
I'd lose out.
- Here, use this paperclip.
- Ta.
Here we go.
- Turn away, professional etiquette.
- (BOTH) Get on with it! That's it! - All we need is the right switch.
- There aren't many switches.
There are plenty of wires.
Lend me your tin hat.
Now, please, pleasedon't don't Stand clear.
Stand well clear.
(EXPLOSION) Now walk away slowly as though nothing happened.
- The lights have fused.
- Pity that one hasn't! Get the hurricane lamps.
Mr Jones, I think I've found another switch.
Well, switch it, Pikey boy, switch it! (FOGHORN) If they can't see us, they'll hear us! Oh, I'll have another pill.
Oh, Gawd blimey, it's Hutch! - Damn it, the light's still on.
- Of course it still is.
It's gone out in there! Who's been flashing without my authority? - Who are you? - I'm the keeper.
They've no business to flash without my authority.
- Can it be turned off from the land? - Of course not, it's got its own generator.
- Why don't we telephone? - Cut off.
Not manned, you see.
- The exchange could reconnect it.
- Good thinking.
Hello? Hello? Hello? I used to live there but me lungs couldn't stand it.
The salt used to get in them.
I used to cough something awful.
Terrible, it was Hello? Hello, put me through to the supervisor, will you? Can't do that, she goes off at six.
There's only me here.
Then you'll have to deal with it.
Listen very carefully.
- Yes.
- This is Captain Mainwaring of the Home Guard.
- Yes.
Who? - Mainwaring.
M-A-I-N-W-A-R-I-N-G.
- Shall I write that down? - No, just listen, please.
Yes, sir, Captain, I'm listen I'm speaking to you from the Jolly Roger ice-cream parlour.
- That's been shut since the war.
- I know it has.
It's an ARP post and I'm speaking from it.
- Are you an air-raid warden as well? - Never mind that.
- Connect me to the lighthouse.
- I can't, it's cut off.
- I know it's cut off.
Can you reconnect me? - I can't.
You need to talk to the supervisor.
That's who I asked for in the first place.
Oh, just a minutethere's an address here, takes messages for the lighthouse.
Ah, good, that's the ticket.
Give it to me, will you? - Wilson, put this down, will you? - All right.
It's the Jolly Roger ice-cream kiosk.
- Jolly Roger ice - All right, all right.
- I'm speaking from there! - Can't you give them the message, then? Come here.
Give it to me, will you? - Hello, Frieda.
- Who's that? - It's Joe.
Joe Walker.
- Ooh, hello, Joe.
- Listen, love, stick 73 into 21, will you? - Ooh, Joe, what are you up to now? All right, I'll do it for you.
Hang on.
- She's putting you through.
- You seem very well informed.
We used to run the brandy from France before the war, in the motorboats.
This bent coastguard would tip us off when they were coming.
- Really? - (PHONE RINGS) Telephone.
- Jack Jones the butcher.
- Corporal Jones? - Sir.
- Captain Mainwaring here.
Listen carefully.
I'm going to give you instructions as to how to turn off the light.
- Go down to the generator room.
- Go down to the generator room.
Right, sir.
Just a minute, there's more.
Corporal Jones, just a minute.
- It's locked.
Do you know where the key is? - Yes, sir.
Jones, can you hear me? I'm going to tell you where the key is.
- It's here.
- It's here Break the door down and get into the generator room.
Break door down, generator room.
Right, sir, I shall do that right away, sir.
Directly, sir.
We're going to go down and find the generator room, then we're going to find the door of it and break that down and we'll go into the generator room and we'll We're going to stop it.
- What about the slithery thing? - We'll stop that an' all.
Come on.
Come on, Pikey, Frazer.
You stay here, Mr Godfrey.
Listen! Listen, I can hear them.
Mainwaring, listen! - There's hundreds of them.
- They're going somewhere else.
When they see this they'll change their minds.
They'll not get another chance like this! - Jones'll put it out in a minute.
- You've got to shoot it out now! - They'll all be down below now, sir.
You could.
- I'll hold off till the last possible minute.
- Give me the gun, Walker.
- Sir.
Look, Mr Jones, I'm making a rabbit.
It's the biggest one you ever saw.
It's all over Walmington.
They're practically overhead.
For Gawd's sake shoot it out! Now I'm making a bird.
It's going right up and down the High Street.
What a pity there's no one here to see it.
There's one caught in the searchlight.
Shoot, you bloody fool, or it'll be murder! - I think you could, sir.
Go on.
- All right.
Here goes.
Oh, dear, what a pity.
I was enjoying that.
Blimey, that was a near thing.
You haven't heard the last of this.
Sir, I can't understand why we just don't concentrate on guarding things, as opposed to getting mixed up with all these absurd operations.
Nonsense.
By doing this we've encountered difficulties and we've triumphed over them and we're better soldiers for it.
We've been enriched by the experience.
When that bill comes in for that electric thing, we'll all be a lot poorer.
Oh, no.
No, there's not a shred of evidence to connect us with it.
(WALKER CLEARS HIS THROAT)
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? To wage war successfully, every commander in the field should put himself in the enemy's shoes and see the situation from their point of view.
So, I ask myself, if I were in Adolf's shoes, what would Adolf be thinking? He'd be wondering what you were doing with his shoes on! Amusing, Walker, but it doesn't help.
Sir, he'd probably be thinking, ''I wonder what they've been up to.
'' Quite right, Corporal, and what have we been up to since Dunkirk? He'd have to come and look to find out.
Hey, that air-raid warden in Gardenia Gardens looks like Herr Hitler.
No, Pike, I don't think Hitler would come personally.
Why not? Hess did.
I think he'd send a recce party in a submarine or Hess was an entirely different case.
Or send a swift, silent surface craft.
- Canoes! - I beg your pardon? Canoes.
They might come across in them.
We're talking about Nazis, not Apache Indians! I always thought Apache were French dancers.
The ones where the gentlemen throw the lady around rather badly.
I never liked them.
There were a couple of Apache dancers on the bill with Nellie Wallace.
He treated her with disdain and threw her towards the trombone player.
She was very haughty and had very big thighs and long black silk stockings.
- Big thighs? Big thighs - Yes, big thighs, and she used to do a lot of All right, all right, I think we're wandering from the point a bit.
Let Captain Mainwaring get back into Hitler's shoes.
The obvious place for a recce would be in the estuary, here.
I have permission to set up an observation post in the lighthouse, here.
Permission to interfere, sir? The lighthouse is not being used any more and therefore it's closed and not open.
They used it when yon convoy came through.
That's quite right, Frazer, it is used on special occasions.
They're quite happy for us to set up a guard post in here from time to time.
- This evening, Corporal Jones - Sir? You, with your section, will rendezvous at the Jolly Roger ice-cream parlour, here on the end of the jetty, and when the tide is low you will cross the causeway here, and once inside the lighthouse you will open these sealed orders.
- Understood? - Thank you, sir.
One question, sir.
After I've opened the sealed orders, what shall I do? Read them very carefully.
Right, that's all.
Dismissed.
Quick as you can, outside, quick as you can.
That's right.
Godfrey.
Excuse me, sir, I won't be able to go along tonight as I'm delivering essential supplies.
- I've heard of these ''essential supplies''.
- This is vitalfor the hospitalthe nurses.
Not elastic again, is it? - No, it's hairpins.
- Oh, really, Walker! Straight up.
Their hair keeps falling in the operations and the surgeon's a bit of a fusspot.
I'll report back as soon as I've finished.
This won't do, Walker.
A parade is a parade.
- I might bring that bottle of whisky for you.
- Oh, never mind that.
Just get back here as soon as you can.
By the way, Bert's fixed the Lewis gun.
- I'll bring it when I come back.
- Splendid.
- I'll bring you back that whisky an' all.
- Right, off you go.
- Rough diamond, isn't he? - Ye-es.
- Heart of gold, of course.
- Yes, of course, yes.
When the lights go on again all over the world (JONES) Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Mark time! Open door! Forward! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right.
Mark time! Squad, halt! Right turn! Stand at ease! Right, I'm now going to take out the sealed orders, and having taken out the sealed orders, I am going to unseal them.
Having unsealed them, I am going to read them to you.
You will pay attention.
While you're opening the sealed orders, might I be excused? - No, no, you've got to wait.
- It's a long way down.
Yeah.
Here we are.
''Orders for section on watch at the lighthouse.
- ''You will commence duty at 2,000 hours.
'' - 20.
00 hours.
- Silence! - (MUTTERS) ''You will commence duty at 20.
00 hours.
''Two, you will keep a strict lookout for any fifth columnists, ''spies or saboteurs infiltrated up the estuary.
'' - What do we do if we see any? - Tell me.
I'm your commander.
I'll tell Mr Mainwaring.
He's my commander.
And he will tell his commander and his commander will tellsomebody else.
- May I be excused now? - No, you've got to wait.
Here we are.
''Guards will not be relieved until 08.
00 hours.
'' - We'll revise platoon advance to ''contact'' - Yes.
- Ah! Glad I caught you, and you.
- We're busy, Mr Hodges.
What do you want? For two weeks I've had serious reports from my warden on this street.
You've been flashing lights from this hall on 27 separate occasions.
That's three more than 17 Pembroke Gardens, and they were enemy aliens.
- I can't accept that.
- One more infringement from these premises, - you'll be up before the magistrate.
- You've no authority over the military.
Military? That's a laugh for a start.
Mainwaring, if you think you can strut around like Lord Muck, you can't! I'm in charge of this sector and I'm warning you! Put that finger down and get out of my headquarters.
I'm going, but you've had your warning - your last warning.
One more flash out of you and you'll have a policeman feeling your collar.
- Corporal Jones? - What? Do you think Mr Godfrey's all right? He's been gone a long time.
He's all right.
There's a lot of steps, isn't there? - There's always a lot of steps in a lighthouse.
- He's been gone a quarter of an hour.
He'll get halfway up and have to start down again.
Why don't you pop down and see how he's getting on? Mm, all right.
Hang on.
Did you lock and bar the door to the rock when we came up? No, it's open, I think.
Aa-aah.
Well, then, wild horses wouldnae drag me down there before dawn.
- Why not, Mr Frazer? - Sit down and I'll tell ye.
Because of something that happened to my old school friend Willie.
He was keeper of the light on the Fair Loch rock.
A wild, lonely storm-wracked cliff it is, I tell ye, and many a tall ship has gone to its cold, watery grave pounding on those granite boulders.
One night - it was such a night as this - when the wind was wailing mournfully in the rigging - Mr Frazer, lighthouses don't have rigging.
- This one did.
Willie started down the stairs to bring up a new wick for the lamp.
Near the bottom, something made him stop.
Below in the gloom, he could hear a low, painful moan, and aslithering Something was moving in the dark.
Willie started back upstairs.
He could see nothing.
But the dark was darker and the moan was moaning louder and the slithering was coming nearer and nearer.
Willie didn't hesitate, he scrambled up the stairs, up and up he went, higher and higher till his lungs weregasping and his heart was thumping out of his body.
He darenae stop, because he knew that the thing was behind him! He reached the top, and with one desperate effort he flung himself into the lamp house and threw himsel' against the door! Holding his breath, he listened.
Aa-aah! There it was Unmistakable The thing was on the other side trying to get intrying to get in! - (URGENT KNOCKING) - Aah! - It can't get in! It can't get in! - Wheesht! Quiet, the both of ye.
- Listen.
- (GODFREY) Would somebody open the door? Godfrey! (HUMMING) - Oh, hello.
- Hello, Mr Albert, didn't expect to see you.
- I was going to leave a note.
- Anything important? There's been a bit of a blitz on blackouts.
The police have been complaining to the bigwigs at HQ, who've sent it to me.
We don't have much bother on the harbour front.
- Fancy a cup? - Don't mind if I do.
Anyway, watch the blackouts, won't you? Two lumps, please.
- Mr Jones? - Yeah? If we do go downstairs, we won't see Willie's slithery thing, will we? No, of course we won't.
- I'm going to stay up here.
Aren't you? - As long as possible.
- If we go, we'll go together.
- That'll be nice.
- Yes.
- We can take a rifle and a candle.
- If we see the slithery thing we can shoot it.
- We'll fix bayonets an' all.
Yeah.
I don't suppose slithery things like it up 'em any more than fuzzy-wuzzies do.
You can't beat the old steel, you know, Pikey.
- I wish Uncle Arthur was with us.
Don't you? - No, I wish we was with him.
- I say - (BOTH) Aah! I'm sorry, Mr Godfrey.
I was just wondering, if we saw spies, how could we tell Captain Mainwaring? I suppose we'll have to use our initiative.
Failing that, there's a telephone on the wall.
Yesthat's what I meanuse our initiative and that telephone on the wall.
- Is it working? - I don't know.
We'll have to try it, won't we? That's the best thing.
We'll try it, yes.
We'll try it.
Hello? Jones the butcher here.
Hello? It's dead.
- Dead? - We're cut off! Stay calm! We're cut off! Stay calm! The slithery thing has wrapped itself round the wire! No, you idiot! - Perhaps they hadn't paid the bill.
- Lighthouses dinnae get bills! My sister forgot to pay the bill once and we were cut off.
We didn't know for over two weeks because few people ring us.
- There's a light switch.
- Don't touch that, we're not blacked out! We can shade it long enough to have a quick keek.
All right, then, here we go.
The electricity is cut off! Keep calm! Keep calm! - It's the slithery thing! - Shut up! Shut up! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's the main switch.
I'll do the main switch.
(WHIRR OF MOTOR) That's the slithery thing! It is, it's the slithery thing! I'm beginning to feel a little frightened.
- Look! - It was nae slithery thing.
It was the generator! It's all right, men, it's only the generator.
Only the generator.
Only Oh, blimey! Anyway, you can read the instructions all right now.
- What about the blackout? - Oh, better turn it off.
Quick.
Yeah, I'd better turn it off.
I'm now going to turn it offturn it off.
Right.
They used to have a time switch in ''The Phantom Light'' with Gordon Harker.
We cannae keep looking for switches.
It's lighting up the whole coast! You've got to act, man.
That's right, Frazer, a bit of action, yes.
Pikey, go on looking for switches and Frazer and I, we'lldo something else.
Wait a minuteI know! We'll fix bayonets.
Fix bayonets Here, you're not going to charge the damn thing, are you? - I'm in command.
You fix bayonets.
- Right.
My sister broke a 40-watt bulb once, accidentally.
It made an awful bang.
Break that and it'll blow us all into the sea! Listen, Godfrey, you give me your blanket.
We'll fix one corner to my bayonet and the other corner to Frazer's bayonet.
- Ah! - Right.
That's right.
- Stick it on the top.
- Right.
Right.
Ready? Lift it up and follow me.
Wait for the light.
Here we go Left, right, left, right Left, right, left, right, left, right - That's cleared up the bumph for the time being.
- Good.
These brass heads from the War Office certainly like theirred tape, don't they? - Yes, they certainly do, sir.
- Makes it hard for the front-line fighting troops.
This front-line fighting troop's going to have an early night, sir.
Yes, why not? - See you anon.
- What are you doing, Wilson? - That's funny - I don't find it funny.
Switch the light on.
Come outside, sir.
Come on.
Look.
What do you make of that? Over there.
It's only the lighthouse.
Probably a special convoy going through.
Good heavens! It's Jones's section.
Is it possible that somebody might be meddling with something that doesn't concern them? - Get to the harbour at once, Wilson.
- All right, sir.
- That was a real good cup of tea.
- Walker from the Home Guard got it for us.
Walker? I wouldn't have touched it if I'd known.
Since the Luftwaffe haven't honoured us with their presence, I'll pop off home.
- Goodnight, Mr Albert.
- Night.
Mr Albert? Mr Albert? I haven't been notified that they were flashing tonight.
The Home Guard went out at low tide.
- Not Mainwaring's mob? - That old lance corporal fella.
Ruddy hooligans! Put that light out! Put that ruddy light out! - They can't hear you.
- I'll make them.
Put that light out! - Don't worry.
- I'll get Mainwaring on the phone, I'll tell him! I'll tell Headquarters! I'll have him busted.
Put that light out! I can't keep this up much longer.
- Right-o, Frazer, stand by next time round.
- Right.
It's like the ruddy The light, come on.
Left, right, left, right Pick 'em up, pick 'em up, pick 'em up! - Hold back! - What's your game, Frazer? When I say, ''Left, right, pick 'em up,'' I mean, pick It's stuck.
Look at this.
You've clogged the cogs.
Well, we don't have to go on running round like squirrels in a cage any more.
Doesn't Walmington look pretty all lit up? - Blimey! - It's stuck right across the town! It's a good job the siren hasn't gone.
(SIREN) I don't think Mr Mainwaring is going to be very pleased with us.
(SIREN CONTINUES) It seems to have stopped going round and round, sir.
- This is damn serious, Wilson.
- Yes.
It's lighting up the whole town! We're a sitting target for every Jerry plane within 50 miles.
That fool Mainwaring isn't even in his headquarters.
Look! Your lot have done that! The whole town lit up like Blackpool illuminations and now Jerry's arrived! - I'm aware of the situation.
- What are you going to do? - We must get out there.
- We can't.
The tide's in.
- The causeway's submerged.
- Get a boat.
- You'd be dashed to pieces on the rocks! - We can try.
- Come on, Wilson, get a lifebelt.
- You can't do it.
Let them be dashed to pieces, serves them right! - You can't do it.
- There's no such word as can't.
If the spirit is willing, there's nothing can stop us.
- There isn't a boat.
- Ah.
That is rather an obstacle.
Well, we must find some other way.
A pound to a penny, he'll try and walk on the water.
What a lark, old Jonesy up the creek without a paddle and no mistake.
- We have to put that light out somehow.
- Shoot it.
- What? - He's got a Lewis gun.
Shoot it out.
- Can't do that.
- You mean you couldn't hit it.
One of our men might get hit! But the town, the women and children, the bombs raining down on them? - They're not raining down.
- They will be any minute.
If you won't, I will.
Give us that gun.
(ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) Oh! I'm dizzy, get us a chair.
I'm going to have one of my turns.
Come and sit down.
Behave yourself.
Keep quiet.
I know a bloke at the power station.
See him right, he'll black out the county! - Mind, the aircraft factory will have to stop.
- Don't be ridiculous.
The transformer's round the back.
Let's have a go at that.
- If you can't be sensible, keep quiet.
- I think that's very sensible.
- Oh.
- Lead on, Walker.
Take this gun.
We can't leave it with those people.
Right.
You lift this up, you see, hold the blanket up nice and high, and that'll stop the light going over the town, won't it? - Right, there you are, that's right.
- That's quite good.
It doesn't stop it altogether but it's a much softer light.
The other was terribly hard.
Mr Jones, there's steam coming out of the middle of the blanket.
That'll air it.
It's probably a bit damp, you see.
When my mum puts things in front of the fire to air, the steam's white.
That's steaming black.
Blanket on fire! Don't panic! Don't panic! Get the fire extinguisher! Oh, dear.
Unfortunately it seems to be locked.
That's easy.
Anyone got a pin? You got a hairpin? - Am I likely to have a hairpin? - Don't you sell them? I'd have to open a new packet.
I'd lose out.
- Here, use this paperclip.
- Ta.
Here we go.
- Turn away, professional etiquette.
- (BOTH) Get on with it! That's it! - All we need is the right switch.
- There aren't many switches.
There are plenty of wires.
Lend me your tin hat.
Now, please, pleasedon't don't Stand clear.
Stand well clear.
(EXPLOSION) Now walk away slowly as though nothing happened.
- The lights have fused.
- Pity that one hasn't! Get the hurricane lamps.
Mr Jones, I think I've found another switch.
Well, switch it, Pikey boy, switch it! (FOGHORN) If they can't see us, they'll hear us! Oh, I'll have another pill.
Oh, Gawd blimey, it's Hutch! - Damn it, the light's still on.
- Of course it still is.
It's gone out in there! Who's been flashing without my authority? - Who are you? - I'm the keeper.
They've no business to flash without my authority.
- Can it be turned off from the land? - Of course not, it's got its own generator.
- Why don't we telephone? - Cut off.
Not manned, you see.
- The exchange could reconnect it.
- Good thinking.
Hello? Hello? Hello? I used to live there but me lungs couldn't stand it.
The salt used to get in them.
I used to cough something awful.
Terrible, it was Hello? Hello, put me through to the supervisor, will you? Can't do that, she goes off at six.
There's only me here.
Then you'll have to deal with it.
Listen very carefully.
- Yes.
- This is Captain Mainwaring of the Home Guard.
- Yes.
Who? - Mainwaring.
M-A-I-N-W-A-R-I-N-G.
- Shall I write that down? - No, just listen, please.
Yes, sir, Captain, I'm listen I'm speaking to you from the Jolly Roger ice-cream parlour.
- That's been shut since the war.
- I know it has.
It's an ARP post and I'm speaking from it.
- Are you an air-raid warden as well? - Never mind that.
- Connect me to the lighthouse.
- I can't, it's cut off.
- I know it's cut off.
Can you reconnect me? - I can't.
You need to talk to the supervisor.
That's who I asked for in the first place.
Oh, just a minutethere's an address here, takes messages for the lighthouse.
Ah, good, that's the ticket.
Give it to me, will you? - Wilson, put this down, will you? - All right.
It's the Jolly Roger ice-cream kiosk.
- Jolly Roger ice - All right, all right.
- I'm speaking from there! - Can't you give them the message, then? Come here.
Give it to me, will you? - Hello, Frieda.
- Who's that? - It's Joe.
Joe Walker.
- Ooh, hello, Joe.
- Listen, love, stick 73 into 21, will you? - Ooh, Joe, what are you up to now? All right, I'll do it for you.
Hang on.
- She's putting you through.
- You seem very well informed.
We used to run the brandy from France before the war, in the motorboats.
This bent coastguard would tip us off when they were coming.
- Really? - (PHONE RINGS) Telephone.
- Jack Jones the butcher.
- Corporal Jones? - Sir.
- Captain Mainwaring here.
Listen carefully.
I'm going to give you instructions as to how to turn off the light.
- Go down to the generator room.
- Go down to the generator room.
Right, sir.
Just a minute, there's more.
Corporal Jones, just a minute.
- It's locked.
Do you know where the key is? - Yes, sir.
Jones, can you hear me? I'm going to tell you where the key is.
- It's here.
- It's here Break the door down and get into the generator room.
Break door down, generator room.
Right, sir, I shall do that right away, sir.
Directly, sir.
We're going to go down and find the generator room, then we're going to find the door of it and break that down and we'll go into the generator room and we'll We're going to stop it.
- What about the slithery thing? - We'll stop that an' all.
Come on.
Come on, Pikey, Frazer.
You stay here, Mr Godfrey.
Listen! Listen, I can hear them.
Mainwaring, listen! - There's hundreds of them.
- They're going somewhere else.
When they see this they'll change their minds.
They'll not get another chance like this! - Jones'll put it out in a minute.
- You've got to shoot it out now! - They'll all be down below now, sir.
You could.
- I'll hold off till the last possible minute.
- Give me the gun, Walker.
- Sir.
Look, Mr Jones, I'm making a rabbit.
It's the biggest one you ever saw.
It's all over Walmington.
They're practically overhead.
For Gawd's sake shoot it out! Now I'm making a bird.
It's going right up and down the High Street.
What a pity there's no one here to see it.
There's one caught in the searchlight.
Shoot, you bloody fool, or it'll be murder! - I think you could, sir.
Go on.
- All right.
Here goes.
Oh, dear, what a pity.
I was enjoying that.
Blimey, that was a near thing.
You haven't heard the last of this.
Sir, I can't understand why we just don't concentrate on guarding things, as opposed to getting mixed up with all these absurd operations.
Nonsense.
By doing this we've encountered difficulties and we've triumphed over them and we're better soldiers for it.
We've been enriched by the experience.
When that bill comes in for that electric thing, we'll all be a lot poorer.
Oh, no.
No, there's not a shred of evidence to connect us with it.
(WALKER CLEARS HIS THROAT)