Doc Martin (2004) s04e07 Episode Script
Do Not Disturb
THEME MUSIC (CHUCKLES) Yes, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Louisa.
Hello, Martin.
I know that you heard about my job in London.
Yes, and that's, that's great news for you.
Really, well done.
I did try to tell you.
Good morning, Miss Glasson Hello there.
Just trying to find the appropriate moment.
I'm not sure it's particularly appropriate right now.
You know, you might have told me first.
I do have a right to know.
I am carrying your child.
A child you have said I am to have nothing to do with! No, that's not what I said! You have made it abundantly clear that you wished to bring up this baby on your own.
I knew you wouldn't want to get involved.
That is an outrageous assumption! Yet, here we are discussing your move to London.
Which you just congratulated me on, so You know, I really don't have time for this.
Louisa, there are some practicalities that need to be addressed.
Louisa! We need to be clear about some things.
Sorry, Doc, I'm not interrupting, am I? Oh, of course you are.
Oh.
Ah, Louisa.
I'm glad I've got you.
Now, listen.
You're having a baby.
I'm aware of that.
So what I'm thinking is, baby shower! Oh, that sounds lovely, but really? It'd be a chance for the village to show you how much we care.
Oh.
We do care, you know.
Well, if it's really no bother.
It would be my pleasure.
We'll do it at my restaurant tomorrow evening.
Oh, thanks, Bert.
OK! This program is not subtitled Morning! Hello.
All right if I put some of these out? What are they? Fliers for the farm.
I'm doing B&B.
No use relying on a few chickens and a vegetable patch.
When did you get a thatched roof? Yes, well, the man at the copying place did it on his computer.
Mmm.
This program is not subtitled Morning, Joan.
Ted! I haven't seen you for ages! How are you? Well, to be honest, I've been better.
That's why I've come to see the doc.
Nothing serious, I hope.
Probably just too many miles on the clock.
Welcome to my world.
Mmm.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh, you take one of these, and if you know anyone who wants an holiday in Cornwall B&B? Needs must.
Uh, are you booked up this week? Not yet, I've only just had the fliers printed.
Do you think you could fit me in? You? Yeah, II can't stay at the farm.
Why ever not? The bank have decided enough's enough.
They want me out.
So if I could hide away here for a few days, you know, till the dust settles, I'd be ever so grateful.
Course you can stay, Ted.
You're very kind, Joan.
Oh, there's just one thing.
Because it's summer, I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you peak season rate.
Oh.
Oh, well.
If I'd known the receptionist was so good looking, I'd have come here earlier.
I'm not the receptionist, I'm the Practice Manager, and you don't have an appointment.
So much for flattery, but .
.
would it help if I told you I was dying? I'm not, but I mean would it help if I told you I was? (SIGHS) Sit there.
This program is not subtitled Is the Doc going to be much longer? This program is not subtitled What time do you call this? I call it a few minutes before the surgery opens.
Where's the receptionist.
Just in the kitchen, making you some coffee! I'm an early bird, but I don't catch no worms.
(LAUGHS) I thought we had an agreement.
You can't make coffee.
I make my own.
Right.
I'm just trying to help.
Honestly, that postman should really take more care.
Pauline! You opened this.
No, I didn't.
This person has an emergency.
You can go in now.
You're lying.
Well, maybe I am, but that doesn't give you the right to accuse me of opening your post when you're about to run off to London.
I have every right to accuse you of opening my post if, in fact, you have opened my post.
Which you have! Well, how else was I going to find out? I just turn up at work one day and find the place empty? That wouldn't happen.
There's a new doctor taking over.
What's going to happen to me? I'll give you a reference.
Or you'll tell the new doctor to keep me? No, I can't do that.
If he doesn't have a job for you then What? You'll have to find alternative employment.
Pauline said you had an emergency.
I'm constipated.
Pauline was wrong then.
It is quite uncomfortable.
Stand up.
Are you in pain now? Well, not in pain as such.
But I do feel a bit sick.
Have you tried laxatives.
No.
Well, go to Mrs Tishell and get some.
If that doesn't work, come back and see my replacement.
Well, is that it then? No, you have really bad breath, get some mouthwash while your there.
Has she been in the wars? Oh, the older ones keep picking on her, poor thing.
I dab them with pine tar.
Oh, I use a mixture of cayenne pepper and garlic powder myself.
The cayenne staunches the bleeding and the garlic has antibiotic qualities.
Heals them up in no time.
Plus she's already seasoned for the oven.
(BOTH LAUGH) Wee.
So how did you get on with Martin? Well, I wouldn't give him full marks for his bedside manner.
There's not many that would.
Now, let me show you to your room.
My first paying guest! (BURPS LOUDLY) 'Scuse I.
Is that all your luggage? Well, I'm not planning on staying very long.
I've got a financial adviser working out how I can off my debts and open up the farm again.
So perhaps I should just book you in for a couple of nights? Well, L20 a night is as much as I can afford.
Actually, it's L30 a night.
Ted? Ted? Your reference.
"Competent".
Mmm? What's that supposed to mean? It means you've improved.
I'm going for lunch - if you think I'm competent enough to eat a sandwich.
This program is not subtitled ON CD: I want you to imagine you're standing in an operating theatre, controlling the area you stand in - your domain - imagining standing there in your scrubs, the patient is prepped and the field sterile.
Try and remember how it felt to be there.
Try and recall every sense.
You walk towards the patient, you pick up a scalpel.
You prepare to begin the operation.
Doc.
Remember to keep breathing Is it true? Is what true? Word on the street.
You're heading back to London.
That's of no concern to you.
Is there nothing I can say, nothing I can do to make you change your mind? No.
You know, I could always transfer to the Met.
You couldn't.
Why not? As far as I'm aware, they don't employ people with a history of narcolepsy, agoraphobia and general ineptitude.
But you can get a medical job in London even though you're scared of blood.
I'm not scared of blood.
How come? Goodbye.
I'll miss our little chats.
(GRUNTS) If I don't do something properly, you will tell me wont you? Course, yeah.
You're my guinea pig, as it were.
Good to test the water with someone I know.
This tea's too milky.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
But thank you for pointing it out.
Would you like some hot pot? Is it free? Supper's not included in the price.
Then I'll say no.
I'm not that hungry.
Feeling any better? Not really, nope.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Your telephone's definitely working? That financial bloke said he'd ring up this afternoon.
Do you really think you'll get back to your farm? It's my home.
Couldn't your daughter help? Take you in for a while? Fran's as broke as me.
She's offered me a spare bedroom but it's a long way to go, they live in Devon now.
Why would I want to go and live in Devon? When you say, "as broke as me", you have got the cash to pay me? Oh! Aaah! ON CD: Imagine the operation continuing.
Cutting in deeper.
All the time, breathing - in and out.
And when you- Evening, Ellingham.
Edith.
My speech I thought you were happy with it.
I was.
Until I read last year's keynote lecture again.
Made my effort - our effort - seem a little dull.
So you inserted a paragraph of claptrap? It's a joke.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, I'm leading with it, to put the audience at their ease.
Do you think that's a good idea? To put the audience at their ease? You telling a joke.
Well, I've studied the timing and the inflexion and I think I can pull it off.
This program is not subtitled You're not still fondling your comfort blanket? That's what it's for, isn't it? It's what it was for, Ellingham.
You should be way past simple desensitisation by now.
We'll travel to the conference together, yes? I should be done by 3:30, so come and pick me up.
Well, I'm busy till four.
Drive yourself.
I'll meet you in the hotel.
Very good.
We can skip the formal dinner but I would like to show my face at the drinks do.
It wouldn't do you any harm to mingle.
I never mingle.
There may be some people from Imperial.
Wouldn't hurt to say hello.
What do you want me to do with that? A laparotomy.
I see.
Make a midline incision.
There wouldn't be that much blood.
Then it's emergency splenectomy.
This program is not subtitled A right paramedian incision.
Well done.
Big difference between a plastic bag of blood and a haemorrhaging patient though.
Glad you've noticed.
Have a close read of that speech, will you? If you have any suggested changes, let me know first thing in the morning.
Yes.
See you tomorrow.
This program is not subtitled KNOCKING ON DOOR I'm having my breakfast Al.
Please don'ter, treat Pauline like this.
I'm sorry you're leaving doc, but you owe her a decent reference.
I've given her a reference.
Oh, come on, doc.
I mean she's worked for you for three years.
I know that.
But what are you doing? I mean, she's always tried her best and, well you're hardly saying thank you for everything she's ever done.
She hasn't done that much.
Ah, now, think about that doc.
Think about that because I know that you know - deep down inside - she's done a lot.
She bled your patients when you couldn't face it yourself.
She's covered your back, doc, she kept you going.
Sowill you change the reference? No.
Oh, hello, Louisa! I've just got a few cakes and doilies for your baby shower.
Oh, lovely.
Why they call it that? No-one actually takes a shower, do they? No.
I've been meaning to say that once you've had the baby, if you ever need any help with anything - anything at all - I can always send Al over to do whatever you want.
Oh, I'll be fine.
Thanks.
Well, you say that.
But you'll be on your own - and might need a man round the house.
I'll manage on my own and I won't need any help from you, or Al or anyone, OK? I hear what you're saying.
But with the Doc going back to London.
Bert! I'll see you later.
Good morning, Doctor Ellingham.
The phone's ringing.
I know.
Well, answer it, then.
I will answer it, Doctor Ellingham, as soon as I start work.
What? My hours are 9am till 6pm.
I used to take blood from patients but I'm assuming you no longer require my phlebotomy skills so you'll only want to employ me for my admin and communication.
It's only 8:57 - three minutes until my duties commence.
Oh, don't worry, I'm sure they'll call back.
No, I think I've got a room free, I just have to check with my current guest.
(BURPS) Actually, I would be delighted to take your booking.
Yep, right.
rightright.
Well, I look forward to seeing you then! Goodbye.
Tea? Give me a chance.
Did you sleep in that hat? Didn't sleep at all.
I heard you on the landing a few times.
I thought the laxatives were starting to work but it turns out I was wrong.
Will you be wanting breakfast? Well, I'm not really hungry but where's that tea? It's coming.
I've, um, had a booking from a family in London.
They want to stay this weekend.
London, eh? You should charge 'em top prices and they won't know you're ripping them off.
I am not ripping anyone off.
Lumpy bed, no kettle in the bedroom, one pillow and you expect me to pay L20 a night? I would prefer L30, and if you're not happy perhaps you would like to find somewhere else to stay.
Can I have a spot more milk.
Let out.
(SIGHS) Cough It hurts when I cough.
(COUGHS) And again.
KNOCKS Doc.
Pauline! Got an emergency out here.
What? Where's the emergency? Mr Baker's in there.
I think he needs some help.
Mr Baker? Are you ill? Of course I am.
Why do you think I made an appointment? What's the problem? You've run out of toilet paper.
CHUCKLING Running out of lavatory paper isn't an emergency.
It bloody well is! I know what you're doing.
This is childishly transparent.
I don't fetch toilet paper.
It's not part of my job description.
I answer the phone, do filing, make appointments.
Everything else is down to you.
I won't respond to blackmail.
Suit yourself.
Get out.
Excuse me? You heard me.
This program is not subtitled FRANTIC CLUCKING This program is not subtitled Gimme! (GROANS) (PANTS) Almost had her that time.
If you don't catch one soon, it's baked beans for dinner.
Oh! Are you all right? (GASPS) Oh, terrible heart burn.
Well, what from? You haven't eaten anything since you got here.
I'll be all right.
Let me help you with that No, no, no, there's no need.
You're a paying guest, remember? No, I want to.
(GASPS) We can choke that chicken later.
This program is not subtitled Surgery.
Is it an emergency? No, it's not an emergency, then.
Is Pauline here? No.
She says she's got a repeat prescription for me and that she'd keep it safe till I pick it up.
Take a seat.
Surgery.
No need to ask if I got the right number.
Edith, I'm very busy.
So am I, Ellingham, but only one of us is giving a lecture to a room full of eminent gynaecologists in a matter of hours.
What do you want? Thought you might want to know.
Laura Hoskins is coming to the conference.
Who? The Emeritus Professor of Obstetrics at Imperial.
She can't wait to meet you, she can't wait to have you join them.
I said that you'd be delighted- Can we talk about this when I get to the hotel? I have a lot of patients.
What hotel's that, then? Somewhere nice? Mind your own business.
Next patient.
I'm next.
No, I'm next.
I've been waiting ages.
You.
I'm sorry.
My so-called financial advisor just rang.
And? And his advice, in a nutshell, I'm buggered.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, there's no chance I'll be able to run the farm again.
No chance I'll even be able to live there.
(SIGHS) It was my dad's farm, and his dad's before him.
(SIGHS) Now I'll have to give it to the bank, find somewhere to go, something to do What's the matter? Oh, it's nothing.
You pulled a face.
I'm sorry, it's, um it's your breath.
What about it? Well, it's ratherpungent.
What you saying I stink? Well, has nobody else mentioned it? Like who? Your family, your friends! I haven't got any friends.
My daughter and her kids are my only family, and I haven't seen them in a year.
Aah! (GROANS) Ted? This program is not subtitled (GASPS) Aah! (PANTS) I can't turn it any more than that.
Well, don't turn it, then.
Stand up, face the window.
Is it true you're leaving Portwenn? It's probably just a muscle spasm.
Apply a hot compress followed by a cold compress and don't move your neck around.
Want me to get the phone? No, get out.
Right you are.
There's a rumour you're off back to London.
Get out! Martin, I think Ted's having a heart attack.
All right.
You go.
Have you finished with my- He's been complaining about chest pains.
Mind you, he's been complaining about almost everything.
Lie on the couch.
Have you had a bowel movement since we last met? (COUGHS) Oh! You eaten anything? No, haven't felt like it.
But I bet she's still charges for breakfasts.
I'm not a charity.
You're worse than the banks.
Stop talking.
Martin, you do realise it's bedlam out there? Yes.
Well, where's Pauline? Thank you! Yeah.
As soon as he realises just how vital I am to the running of that surgery, he'll beg for me to work there again.
(CHUCKLES) Doc's not really a begging kind, is he? Firing, yeah.
Writing a bad reference, no problem.
But begging? Anyway, he's still off to London.
So it's the new doc you gotta impress.
And without a better reference, you've got no chance.
Might have got a better reference if you'd said the right things.
He'd made up his mind.
He's never going to change it.
Are you trying to depress me? No, I'm being realistic.
What by telling me I'll never work for anyone else, ever again! I didn't say that.
(SCREAMS) Don't be such a drama queen.
(GASPS) Jellyfish.
Stung me.
Jelly fish? Stung me! Aah! That's it.
Better take you to the doc, then.
No.
I don't want to see him.
God! Right, stick your leg out.
Eh, what are you doing? Well known fact that urine stops a jellyfish sting from hurting so much.
Oh, don't be so disgusting.
Take me to the doc.
All right.
Aaah! Come on.
(WAILS) Stand up.
Stand up.
That's it.
These all seem perfectly normal.
Are you sure? I feel like I'm going to burst.
Oh, God.
Lie down.
Unbuckle your belt.
Undo the top button of your trousers.
This program is not subtitled Does that hurt? No.
It's not peritonitis.
Oh! If you must breathe, would you turn your head the other way please? Does it hurt there? No, it's fine.
You sure? Yeah.
Why? There's a significant mass in your abdomen, could be a growth, could be a tumour.
What like cancer? Possibly.
I'll book you in for an ultrasound scan and CT as soon as possible.
In the meantime Try not to worry? Pull your trousers up.
Doc, got a jellyfish sting.
I'm in agony.
Was going to wee on her leg but she wouldn't let me.
That's a myth.
Don't do it again.
Aunty Joan, will you take Mr Nugent home, please.
Do I have to? Yes.
Out of here, come on, all of you.
You too Al.
No, not you.
You're my patient, you stay there.
I've never been your patient before.
All these years, I've always been the one sending them in, not the one being examined.
Pop up here.
OK.
What are you going to do.
I'm going to remove the nematocysts.
You mean the stingy thingies? Ah! Shush.
This program is not subtitled I don't want things to end like this between us.
And I can tell you feel the same.
(GROANS) It's going to be weird without you.
I'm not looking forward to it, especially if we can't get things back to how they were before I quit.
You didn't quit, I dismissed you.
Only cos I made you do it.
Anyway, we can just forget what happened.
I'll work normally and you can change my reference.
I'm not changing your reference.
AH! GIGGLING AND CHATTERING Oh, don't leave us, doc.
Hope the new Doc's better looking.
Can I come to London with you, doc.
Going to miss us, doc? (GIRLS GIGGLE) Louisa.
We really should discuss some practicalities about the baby.
Do you want to do that now through the window with the engine running? No, I'm late for a conference.
I'm late for a baby shower.
What's that? Bert's idea.
It's at the restaurant.
Presents, food, drink.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Can we at least agree to meet up at some point? Ellingham.
Marti, Marti - can you get to the farm right away? It's Ted Nugent again.
Now what? He's not at all well.
Yes, I know that.
I think he's dying.
I'm on my way.
I have to go.
Yeah, well, me too.
I'll call you! I've made him a cup of tea.
Oh, that's nice.
You said he was dying.
Well, I thought he was! I am late for a conference, you know.
(BURPS) Oh! Please stop him doing that.
Feels like something wants to come up, doc.
I've ordered you for a CT scan for Monday.
That lump could be causing you some abdominal discomfort.
The tumour? It burns something terrible.
Do you have any antacid solution? What? For heartburn or indigestion anything like that? Yes.
Good.
That should ease your discomfort.
Ellingham.
You on your way? ON SPEAKER: I'm with a patient.
Isn't that just an excuse you trot out whenever you're late? Of course not.
Call an ambulance.
We won't have time to talk through my speech if you insist on helping the great unwashed.
I'll see you at the hotel.
(SIGHS) Mr Nugent.
Will this help? Bah.
Would you please take off your hat.
What, take off my lucky hat? Hey! Oh, my God.
That head's been on my linen! (BURPS) Oh! What's happened to your hair? Have you been eating it? What are you talking about? Be quiet! Have you been eating your hair, Mr Nugent? Maybe, I suppose.
Does it really matter? Given the state of you, I'd say it was a question worth asking.
Yes.
Makes me feel better - pulling it, chewing it.
It's not all that odd.
(BURPS AND COUGHS) It's a condition called trichophagia.
They eat the hair but it can't be digested so it stays in the stomach and forms a solid mass.
He's got a sort hairball inside him? Like a cat.
What do I do? Well, for a start, you stop eating your hair! And then you go to a hospital where they surgically remove the trichobezoar.
What? The hairball.
(COUGHS) Oh! Oh Oh, my God.
Is that it? No, that's not the whole thing, that's just a few hairs that didn't attach themselves to the main, uh, ball.
Oh, he'll need to go to a hospital.
I'll call an ambulance.
He'll also need some psychiatric treatment.
I'm not mad.
He's just very stressed.
Stressed? Yeah, I've been racking up debts left, right and centre, I've lost my farm - the farm that belonged to my Dad, and his- Ambulance.
This is Doctor Ellingham.
Now, Ted, you're not to worry.
I'm not expecting you to pay for your stay.
No, no, no, that's the least I can do.
Now, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to pack your things, and I'm going to put them in the ambulance with you.
Then I'm going to ring your daughter, and make sure she collects you from hospital as soon as possible.
You're going to love living in Devon! (SIGHS) WHIRS Having fun? Oh, I didn't expect such a good turnout actually.
Everyone in the village loves you.
Dunno about that.
Well, maybe not everyone, but let's not talk about him! Who do you mean? Hmm? I just wanted to say, that if you need anything done around your house, then my Dave is available 24/7.
Oh, thank you.
You're very kind.
Ooh.
That's the third woman who's offered me a husband on demand.
Like I'm suddenly incapable of changing a fuse.
You really shouldn't have.
There you are! Are you enjoying the party? Bunch up, Pauline.
Morning, oh yes, thank you.
It's tinged with sadness, isn't it? Is it? Mmm, I hadn't noticed.
Leaving you to raise a child by yourself is one thing, but actually leaving the village! There's not much difference, really, is there? You can tell me if you don't like it.
Oh, what's not to like? I do hope your baby loves Monkey as much as my little Davy did.
He's still my little Davy, even now he's 13 and fat as a pig.
The doc should hang his head in shame.
Always thought he was a tosser.
You only have to look at his eyes.
Far too close together.
Maybe you're lucky.
Imagine the kind of father he'd have been.
It doesn't bear thinking about.
And why not? What? I mean, he has his problems with commitment, and intimacy and sure, yeah, he has his problems.
But, you know, who hasn't? This program is not subtitled (SIGHS) Let's not talk about him.
His eyes aren't too close together anyway.
Are they? Speech time! Oh, I haven't prepared anything.
No, not you - Dad.
Oh, sorry.
Right, now ladies - a bit of hush, There's a toast to propose.
Now, quite a few of you have said that you think it's peculiar that this baby shower has been organised by a man.
But it's a very unconventional party for a very unconventional mother-to-be.
Most women get married before they have their babies, and I can tell Louisa that it's not easy bringing up a child all by yourself.
But I've been there, done that, and grown out of the t-shirt.
And Al has turned out OK.
And I'm sure that Louisa's baby will be just fine as long as it's nothing like its father! (WOMEN LAUGH) To be honest, he is a pretty good doc, right? We have to to admit that, right? Yes.
So if you'd like to raise your glasses, we'll wish Louisa all the luck in the world, because, by God, she's going to need it.
Louisa Glasson.
ALL: Louisa! Thank you.
Thank you.
This program is not subtitled Ellingham.
I have a reservation.
Ah, yeah - Mr Ellingham.
Doctor.
If you could just sign here, please.
This program is not subtitled Can I help you find your room, sir? No, I can count.
This program is not subtitled Good evening.
Come in.
This program is not subtitled Traffic terrible? Uh, no, complication with my patient.
We're sharing.
I find that a night together works out better if both parties are in the same room.
Don't you think? Yes.
Any last minute thoughts on my speech? Yes, I thought the conclusion could take a little filleting.
No, it couldn't.
What else? You make reference to Whorley's work but don't credit him.
Can't stand the man.
Well, that's it then.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Feedback appreciated.
I will, of course, acknowledge your contribution.
There's no need.
But you enjoyed the process? Yes.
DEVICE BEEP Air conditioning safely off? Those ducts are a breeding ground- Breeding ground for all manner of bacteria and microbes, yes I know.
Much better to have an open window.
(GRUNTS) It's not too warm? It feels warm.
Then take your jacket off.
No.
Shouldn't you be mingling? I know who I have to talk to and what I have to say to them but I don't mingle.
Our schedule is speech, applause, dinnerbed.
CLATTERING You know, a little networking would ease your return from the wilderness.
Although I suggest you restrict yourself to a simple knowing nod until you get the hang of it.
(GRUNTS) You're not shy are you? Er, no.
I'll just um I know it's been a while, Ellingham, but you've seen me naked before.
Yes, I'll just give you some space.
Nothing's changed - just less springy.
Compliment me.
What? Oh, I've missed you, Ellingham.
Don't sit down.
Here.
Take that.
Thank you? We should be heading downstairs.
I don't want you too near the front.
Six or seven rows back, somewhere in the middle.
This program is not subtitled Any signs of life? No.
No bed bugs.
Can I go make my speech now? KNOCKING ON DOOR This program is not subtitled Ahem.
Come in.
You might want to rethink your route from the kitchen - I ordered an hour ago.
Apologies.
The convention is slowing everything down.
Well, yes, thank you, I understand that.
Took the precaution of ordering in good time so this wouldn't happen.
Bit short staffed actually.
Not, my concern.
If my blood sugar level drops, I lack concentration.
Do you feel unwell? Ellingham, will you let the man get on with his job.
Thank you so much for coming all this way.
See that.
His temporal arteries were distended.
What? The waiter.
And his gait was stiff.
And my sandwich is soggy.
Neither of which is a medical emergency.
Where are you going? The man has a condition he might not know about, polymyalgia rheumatica.
Should have told him that when he was in.
You interrupted me.
He could loose his sight.
Don't worry.
I'll be back.
This is my night, Ellingham! Hello? This program is not subtitled MURMURED CHATTERING Out, out of the way.
LIFT DINGS Wait.
This program is not subtitled LIFT DINGS This program is not subtitled Wait.
You're not allowed in here.
I'm looking for someone.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Waiter! AH! Get an ambulance! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh! Oh! Right, give me your hand.
No, I'll be fine.
I'm fine.
I need to have a look at it.
No, let go! What are you doing? I'm a kitchen first-aider.
Excuse me.
I'm a doctor.
Get me a towel.
Oh, is it bad? Towel! A clean one! Will it need stitches? Of course especially if they have to reattach the tip.
I think I'm going to throw up.
No, you're not.
Here.
Here, sit down.
Uh, you, come here! Hold that.
I've got blood on the pineapple.
No, breathe through your mouth.
That's it.
Hold it up.
Do you know your temporal arteries are swollen.
Oh, my God.
Why? Not you.
You.
You have pain in your shoulders in the morning? Yes, but I carry trays all day.
You should make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible.
I'm bleeding to death.
No, you're not.
Could be suffering from a condition called polymyalgia rheumatica.
What? Poly- Here, give me that.
Polymyalgia rheumatica.
If left untreated, you could loose your sight.
Make an emergency appointment.
Right.
Now, let's look for this man's finger.
Come on! No, not just a cut.
He was using a meat slicing machine, so his finger's Not the whole finger, but there's an awful lot of blood.
OK, thanks.
Everything all right? If it gets any worse, I'll give you a shout.
It'll be here in five minutes.
All right.
Come on, look for this finger! This program is not subtitled Ellingham.
What are you doing? Look for a finger.
You're bloody.
Yes.
And not nauseous.
Congratulations.
Found it! Ah, don't touch it.
Give me some ice and some cling film.
Your work here is done.
Not yet.
Is an ambulance on its way? Just called it myself.
Then you can leave.
Go and get changed.
Try not to be late.
This program is not subtitled Should I turn the bed down, sir? Umyes.
This program is not subtitled It takes a Doctor precisely two seconds to tell her "your daughter is pregnant".
"But she's never even kissed a boy! It's impossible she's pregnant!" The doctor walks over to the window, takes a look at the sky and says, "The last time something like this happened, three wise men on camels saw a star in the East.
" CHUCKLING Um an old joke, yes.
(CHUCKLES) But umone which takes me to the very heart of my lecture.
This program is not subtitled Good luck, then, with your move.
I wish you all the best.
I'll see you in London.
It was a pleasure.
Closed Captions by CSI
Louisa.
Hello, Martin.
I know that you heard about my job in London.
Yes, and that's, that's great news for you.
Really, well done.
I did try to tell you.
Good morning, Miss Glasson Hello there.
Just trying to find the appropriate moment.
I'm not sure it's particularly appropriate right now.
You know, you might have told me first.
I do have a right to know.
I am carrying your child.
A child you have said I am to have nothing to do with! No, that's not what I said! You have made it abundantly clear that you wished to bring up this baby on your own.
I knew you wouldn't want to get involved.
That is an outrageous assumption! Yet, here we are discussing your move to London.
Which you just congratulated me on, so You know, I really don't have time for this.
Louisa, there are some practicalities that need to be addressed.
Louisa! We need to be clear about some things.
Sorry, Doc, I'm not interrupting, am I? Oh, of course you are.
Oh.
Ah, Louisa.
I'm glad I've got you.
Now, listen.
You're having a baby.
I'm aware of that.
So what I'm thinking is, baby shower! Oh, that sounds lovely, but really? It'd be a chance for the village to show you how much we care.
Oh.
We do care, you know.
Well, if it's really no bother.
It would be my pleasure.
We'll do it at my restaurant tomorrow evening.
Oh, thanks, Bert.
OK! This program is not subtitled Morning! Hello.
All right if I put some of these out? What are they? Fliers for the farm.
I'm doing B&B.
No use relying on a few chickens and a vegetable patch.
When did you get a thatched roof? Yes, well, the man at the copying place did it on his computer.
Mmm.
This program is not subtitled Morning, Joan.
Ted! I haven't seen you for ages! How are you? Well, to be honest, I've been better.
That's why I've come to see the doc.
Nothing serious, I hope.
Probably just too many miles on the clock.
Welcome to my world.
Mmm.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh, you take one of these, and if you know anyone who wants an holiday in Cornwall B&B? Needs must.
Uh, are you booked up this week? Not yet, I've only just had the fliers printed.
Do you think you could fit me in? You? Yeah, II can't stay at the farm.
Why ever not? The bank have decided enough's enough.
They want me out.
So if I could hide away here for a few days, you know, till the dust settles, I'd be ever so grateful.
Course you can stay, Ted.
You're very kind, Joan.
Oh, there's just one thing.
Because it's summer, I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you peak season rate.
Oh.
Oh, well.
If I'd known the receptionist was so good looking, I'd have come here earlier.
I'm not the receptionist, I'm the Practice Manager, and you don't have an appointment.
So much for flattery, but .
.
would it help if I told you I was dying? I'm not, but I mean would it help if I told you I was? (SIGHS) Sit there.
This program is not subtitled Is the Doc going to be much longer? This program is not subtitled What time do you call this? I call it a few minutes before the surgery opens.
Where's the receptionist.
Just in the kitchen, making you some coffee! I'm an early bird, but I don't catch no worms.
(LAUGHS) I thought we had an agreement.
You can't make coffee.
I make my own.
Right.
I'm just trying to help.
Honestly, that postman should really take more care.
Pauline! You opened this.
No, I didn't.
This person has an emergency.
You can go in now.
You're lying.
Well, maybe I am, but that doesn't give you the right to accuse me of opening your post when you're about to run off to London.
I have every right to accuse you of opening my post if, in fact, you have opened my post.
Which you have! Well, how else was I going to find out? I just turn up at work one day and find the place empty? That wouldn't happen.
There's a new doctor taking over.
What's going to happen to me? I'll give you a reference.
Or you'll tell the new doctor to keep me? No, I can't do that.
If he doesn't have a job for you then What? You'll have to find alternative employment.
Pauline said you had an emergency.
I'm constipated.
Pauline was wrong then.
It is quite uncomfortable.
Stand up.
Are you in pain now? Well, not in pain as such.
But I do feel a bit sick.
Have you tried laxatives.
No.
Well, go to Mrs Tishell and get some.
If that doesn't work, come back and see my replacement.
Well, is that it then? No, you have really bad breath, get some mouthwash while your there.
Has she been in the wars? Oh, the older ones keep picking on her, poor thing.
I dab them with pine tar.
Oh, I use a mixture of cayenne pepper and garlic powder myself.
The cayenne staunches the bleeding and the garlic has antibiotic qualities.
Heals them up in no time.
Plus she's already seasoned for the oven.
(BOTH LAUGH) Wee.
So how did you get on with Martin? Well, I wouldn't give him full marks for his bedside manner.
There's not many that would.
Now, let me show you to your room.
My first paying guest! (BURPS LOUDLY) 'Scuse I.
Is that all your luggage? Well, I'm not planning on staying very long.
I've got a financial adviser working out how I can off my debts and open up the farm again.
So perhaps I should just book you in for a couple of nights? Well, L20 a night is as much as I can afford.
Actually, it's L30 a night.
Ted? Ted? Your reference.
"Competent".
Mmm? What's that supposed to mean? It means you've improved.
I'm going for lunch - if you think I'm competent enough to eat a sandwich.
This program is not subtitled ON CD: I want you to imagine you're standing in an operating theatre, controlling the area you stand in - your domain - imagining standing there in your scrubs, the patient is prepped and the field sterile.
Try and remember how it felt to be there.
Try and recall every sense.
You walk towards the patient, you pick up a scalpel.
You prepare to begin the operation.
Doc.
Remember to keep breathing Is it true? Is what true? Word on the street.
You're heading back to London.
That's of no concern to you.
Is there nothing I can say, nothing I can do to make you change your mind? No.
You know, I could always transfer to the Met.
You couldn't.
Why not? As far as I'm aware, they don't employ people with a history of narcolepsy, agoraphobia and general ineptitude.
But you can get a medical job in London even though you're scared of blood.
I'm not scared of blood.
How come? Goodbye.
I'll miss our little chats.
(GRUNTS) If I don't do something properly, you will tell me wont you? Course, yeah.
You're my guinea pig, as it were.
Good to test the water with someone I know.
This tea's too milky.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
But thank you for pointing it out.
Would you like some hot pot? Is it free? Supper's not included in the price.
Then I'll say no.
I'm not that hungry.
Feeling any better? Not really, nope.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Your telephone's definitely working? That financial bloke said he'd ring up this afternoon.
Do you really think you'll get back to your farm? It's my home.
Couldn't your daughter help? Take you in for a while? Fran's as broke as me.
She's offered me a spare bedroom but it's a long way to go, they live in Devon now.
Why would I want to go and live in Devon? When you say, "as broke as me", you have got the cash to pay me? Oh! Aaah! ON CD: Imagine the operation continuing.
Cutting in deeper.
All the time, breathing - in and out.
And when you- Evening, Ellingham.
Edith.
My speech I thought you were happy with it.
I was.
Until I read last year's keynote lecture again.
Made my effort - our effort - seem a little dull.
So you inserted a paragraph of claptrap? It's a joke.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, I'm leading with it, to put the audience at their ease.
Do you think that's a good idea? To put the audience at their ease? You telling a joke.
Well, I've studied the timing and the inflexion and I think I can pull it off.
This program is not subtitled You're not still fondling your comfort blanket? That's what it's for, isn't it? It's what it was for, Ellingham.
You should be way past simple desensitisation by now.
We'll travel to the conference together, yes? I should be done by 3:30, so come and pick me up.
Well, I'm busy till four.
Drive yourself.
I'll meet you in the hotel.
Very good.
We can skip the formal dinner but I would like to show my face at the drinks do.
It wouldn't do you any harm to mingle.
I never mingle.
There may be some people from Imperial.
Wouldn't hurt to say hello.
What do you want me to do with that? A laparotomy.
I see.
Make a midline incision.
There wouldn't be that much blood.
Then it's emergency splenectomy.
This program is not subtitled A right paramedian incision.
Well done.
Big difference between a plastic bag of blood and a haemorrhaging patient though.
Glad you've noticed.
Have a close read of that speech, will you? If you have any suggested changes, let me know first thing in the morning.
Yes.
See you tomorrow.
This program is not subtitled KNOCKING ON DOOR I'm having my breakfast Al.
Please don'ter, treat Pauline like this.
I'm sorry you're leaving doc, but you owe her a decent reference.
I've given her a reference.
Oh, come on, doc.
I mean she's worked for you for three years.
I know that.
But what are you doing? I mean, she's always tried her best and, well you're hardly saying thank you for everything she's ever done.
She hasn't done that much.
Ah, now, think about that doc.
Think about that because I know that you know - deep down inside - she's done a lot.
She bled your patients when you couldn't face it yourself.
She's covered your back, doc, she kept you going.
Sowill you change the reference? No.
Oh, hello, Louisa! I've just got a few cakes and doilies for your baby shower.
Oh, lovely.
Why they call it that? No-one actually takes a shower, do they? No.
I've been meaning to say that once you've had the baby, if you ever need any help with anything - anything at all - I can always send Al over to do whatever you want.
Oh, I'll be fine.
Thanks.
Well, you say that.
But you'll be on your own - and might need a man round the house.
I'll manage on my own and I won't need any help from you, or Al or anyone, OK? I hear what you're saying.
But with the Doc going back to London.
Bert! I'll see you later.
Good morning, Doctor Ellingham.
The phone's ringing.
I know.
Well, answer it, then.
I will answer it, Doctor Ellingham, as soon as I start work.
What? My hours are 9am till 6pm.
I used to take blood from patients but I'm assuming you no longer require my phlebotomy skills so you'll only want to employ me for my admin and communication.
It's only 8:57 - three minutes until my duties commence.
Oh, don't worry, I'm sure they'll call back.
No, I think I've got a room free, I just have to check with my current guest.
(BURPS) Actually, I would be delighted to take your booking.
Yep, right.
rightright.
Well, I look forward to seeing you then! Goodbye.
Tea? Give me a chance.
Did you sleep in that hat? Didn't sleep at all.
I heard you on the landing a few times.
I thought the laxatives were starting to work but it turns out I was wrong.
Will you be wanting breakfast? Well, I'm not really hungry but where's that tea? It's coming.
I've, um, had a booking from a family in London.
They want to stay this weekend.
London, eh? You should charge 'em top prices and they won't know you're ripping them off.
I am not ripping anyone off.
Lumpy bed, no kettle in the bedroom, one pillow and you expect me to pay L20 a night? I would prefer L30, and if you're not happy perhaps you would like to find somewhere else to stay.
Can I have a spot more milk.
Let out.
(SIGHS) Cough It hurts when I cough.
(COUGHS) And again.
KNOCKS Doc.
Pauline! Got an emergency out here.
What? Where's the emergency? Mr Baker's in there.
I think he needs some help.
Mr Baker? Are you ill? Of course I am.
Why do you think I made an appointment? What's the problem? You've run out of toilet paper.
CHUCKLING Running out of lavatory paper isn't an emergency.
It bloody well is! I know what you're doing.
This is childishly transparent.
I don't fetch toilet paper.
It's not part of my job description.
I answer the phone, do filing, make appointments.
Everything else is down to you.
I won't respond to blackmail.
Suit yourself.
Get out.
Excuse me? You heard me.
This program is not subtitled FRANTIC CLUCKING This program is not subtitled Gimme! (GROANS) (PANTS) Almost had her that time.
If you don't catch one soon, it's baked beans for dinner.
Oh! Are you all right? (GASPS) Oh, terrible heart burn.
Well, what from? You haven't eaten anything since you got here.
I'll be all right.
Let me help you with that No, no, no, there's no need.
You're a paying guest, remember? No, I want to.
(GASPS) We can choke that chicken later.
This program is not subtitled Surgery.
Is it an emergency? No, it's not an emergency, then.
Is Pauline here? No.
She says she's got a repeat prescription for me and that she'd keep it safe till I pick it up.
Take a seat.
Surgery.
No need to ask if I got the right number.
Edith, I'm very busy.
So am I, Ellingham, but only one of us is giving a lecture to a room full of eminent gynaecologists in a matter of hours.
What do you want? Thought you might want to know.
Laura Hoskins is coming to the conference.
Who? The Emeritus Professor of Obstetrics at Imperial.
She can't wait to meet you, she can't wait to have you join them.
I said that you'd be delighted- Can we talk about this when I get to the hotel? I have a lot of patients.
What hotel's that, then? Somewhere nice? Mind your own business.
Next patient.
I'm next.
No, I'm next.
I've been waiting ages.
You.
I'm sorry.
My so-called financial advisor just rang.
And? And his advice, in a nutshell, I'm buggered.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, there's no chance I'll be able to run the farm again.
No chance I'll even be able to live there.
(SIGHS) It was my dad's farm, and his dad's before him.
(SIGHS) Now I'll have to give it to the bank, find somewhere to go, something to do What's the matter? Oh, it's nothing.
You pulled a face.
I'm sorry, it's, um it's your breath.
What about it? Well, it's ratherpungent.
What you saying I stink? Well, has nobody else mentioned it? Like who? Your family, your friends! I haven't got any friends.
My daughter and her kids are my only family, and I haven't seen them in a year.
Aah! (GROANS) Ted? This program is not subtitled (GASPS) Aah! (PANTS) I can't turn it any more than that.
Well, don't turn it, then.
Stand up, face the window.
Is it true you're leaving Portwenn? It's probably just a muscle spasm.
Apply a hot compress followed by a cold compress and don't move your neck around.
Want me to get the phone? No, get out.
Right you are.
There's a rumour you're off back to London.
Get out! Martin, I think Ted's having a heart attack.
All right.
You go.
Have you finished with my- He's been complaining about chest pains.
Mind you, he's been complaining about almost everything.
Lie on the couch.
Have you had a bowel movement since we last met? (COUGHS) Oh! You eaten anything? No, haven't felt like it.
But I bet she's still charges for breakfasts.
I'm not a charity.
You're worse than the banks.
Stop talking.
Martin, you do realise it's bedlam out there? Yes.
Well, where's Pauline? Thank you! Yeah.
As soon as he realises just how vital I am to the running of that surgery, he'll beg for me to work there again.
(CHUCKLES) Doc's not really a begging kind, is he? Firing, yeah.
Writing a bad reference, no problem.
But begging? Anyway, he's still off to London.
So it's the new doc you gotta impress.
And without a better reference, you've got no chance.
Might have got a better reference if you'd said the right things.
He'd made up his mind.
He's never going to change it.
Are you trying to depress me? No, I'm being realistic.
What by telling me I'll never work for anyone else, ever again! I didn't say that.
(SCREAMS) Don't be such a drama queen.
(GASPS) Jellyfish.
Stung me.
Jelly fish? Stung me! Aah! That's it.
Better take you to the doc, then.
No.
I don't want to see him.
God! Right, stick your leg out.
Eh, what are you doing? Well known fact that urine stops a jellyfish sting from hurting so much.
Oh, don't be so disgusting.
Take me to the doc.
All right.
Aaah! Come on.
(WAILS) Stand up.
Stand up.
That's it.
These all seem perfectly normal.
Are you sure? I feel like I'm going to burst.
Oh, God.
Lie down.
Unbuckle your belt.
Undo the top button of your trousers.
This program is not subtitled Does that hurt? No.
It's not peritonitis.
Oh! If you must breathe, would you turn your head the other way please? Does it hurt there? No, it's fine.
You sure? Yeah.
Why? There's a significant mass in your abdomen, could be a growth, could be a tumour.
What like cancer? Possibly.
I'll book you in for an ultrasound scan and CT as soon as possible.
In the meantime Try not to worry? Pull your trousers up.
Doc, got a jellyfish sting.
I'm in agony.
Was going to wee on her leg but she wouldn't let me.
That's a myth.
Don't do it again.
Aunty Joan, will you take Mr Nugent home, please.
Do I have to? Yes.
Out of here, come on, all of you.
You too Al.
No, not you.
You're my patient, you stay there.
I've never been your patient before.
All these years, I've always been the one sending them in, not the one being examined.
Pop up here.
OK.
What are you going to do.
I'm going to remove the nematocysts.
You mean the stingy thingies? Ah! Shush.
This program is not subtitled I don't want things to end like this between us.
And I can tell you feel the same.
(GROANS) It's going to be weird without you.
I'm not looking forward to it, especially if we can't get things back to how they were before I quit.
You didn't quit, I dismissed you.
Only cos I made you do it.
Anyway, we can just forget what happened.
I'll work normally and you can change my reference.
I'm not changing your reference.
AH! GIGGLING AND CHATTERING Oh, don't leave us, doc.
Hope the new Doc's better looking.
Can I come to London with you, doc.
Going to miss us, doc? (GIRLS GIGGLE) Louisa.
We really should discuss some practicalities about the baby.
Do you want to do that now through the window with the engine running? No, I'm late for a conference.
I'm late for a baby shower.
What's that? Bert's idea.
It's at the restaurant.
Presents, food, drink.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Can we at least agree to meet up at some point? Ellingham.
Marti, Marti - can you get to the farm right away? It's Ted Nugent again.
Now what? He's not at all well.
Yes, I know that.
I think he's dying.
I'm on my way.
I have to go.
Yeah, well, me too.
I'll call you! I've made him a cup of tea.
Oh, that's nice.
You said he was dying.
Well, I thought he was! I am late for a conference, you know.
(BURPS) Oh! Please stop him doing that.
Feels like something wants to come up, doc.
I've ordered you for a CT scan for Monday.
That lump could be causing you some abdominal discomfort.
The tumour? It burns something terrible.
Do you have any antacid solution? What? For heartburn or indigestion anything like that? Yes.
Good.
That should ease your discomfort.
Ellingham.
You on your way? ON SPEAKER: I'm with a patient.
Isn't that just an excuse you trot out whenever you're late? Of course not.
Call an ambulance.
We won't have time to talk through my speech if you insist on helping the great unwashed.
I'll see you at the hotel.
(SIGHS) Mr Nugent.
Will this help? Bah.
Would you please take off your hat.
What, take off my lucky hat? Hey! Oh, my God.
That head's been on my linen! (BURPS) Oh! What's happened to your hair? Have you been eating it? What are you talking about? Be quiet! Have you been eating your hair, Mr Nugent? Maybe, I suppose.
Does it really matter? Given the state of you, I'd say it was a question worth asking.
Yes.
Makes me feel better - pulling it, chewing it.
It's not all that odd.
(BURPS AND COUGHS) It's a condition called trichophagia.
They eat the hair but it can't be digested so it stays in the stomach and forms a solid mass.
He's got a sort hairball inside him? Like a cat.
What do I do? Well, for a start, you stop eating your hair! And then you go to a hospital where they surgically remove the trichobezoar.
What? The hairball.
(COUGHS) Oh! Oh Oh, my God.
Is that it? No, that's not the whole thing, that's just a few hairs that didn't attach themselves to the main, uh, ball.
Oh, he'll need to go to a hospital.
I'll call an ambulance.
He'll also need some psychiatric treatment.
I'm not mad.
He's just very stressed.
Stressed? Yeah, I've been racking up debts left, right and centre, I've lost my farm - the farm that belonged to my Dad, and his- Ambulance.
This is Doctor Ellingham.
Now, Ted, you're not to worry.
I'm not expecting you to pay for your stay.
No, no, no, that's the least I can do.
Now, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to pack your things, and I'm going to put them in the ambulance with you.
Then I'm going to ring your daughter, and make sure she collects you from hospital as soon as possible.
You're going to love living in Devon! (SIGHS) WHIRS Having fun? Oh, I didn't expect such a good turnout actually.
Everyone in the village loves you.
Dunno about that.
Well, maybe not everyone, but let's not talk about him! Who do you mean? Hmm? I just wanted to say, that if you need anything done around your house, then my Dave is available 24/7.
Oh, thank you.
You're very kind.
Ooh.
That's the third woman who's offered me a husband on demand.
Like I'm suddenly incapable of changing a fuse.
You really shouldn't have.
There you are! Are you enjoying the party? Bunch up, Pauline.
Morning, oh yes, thank you.
It's tinged with sadness, isn't it? Is it? Mmm, I hadn't noticed.
Leaving you to raise a child by yourself is one thing, but actually leaving the village! There's not much difference, really, is there? You can tell me if you don't like it.
Oh, what's not to like? I do hope your baby loves Monkey as much as my little Davy did.
He's still my little Davy, even now he's 13 and fat as a pig.
The doc should hang his head in shame.
Always thought he was a tosser.
You only have to look at his eyes.
Far too close together.
Maybe you're lucky.
Imagine the kind of father he'd have been.
It doesn't bear thinking about.
And why not? What? I mean, he has his problems with commitment, and intimacy and sure, yeah, he has his problems.
But, you know, who hasn't? This program is not subtitled (SIGHS) Let's not talk about him.
His eyes aren't too close together anyway.
Are they? Speech time! Oh, I haven't prepared anything.
No, not you - Dad.
Oh, sorry.
Right, now ladies - a bit of hush, There's a toast to propose.
Now, quite a few of you have said that you think it's peculiar that this baby shower has been organised by a man.
But it's a very unconventional party for a very unconventional mother-to-be.
Most women get married before they have their babies, and I can tell Louisa that it's not easy bringing up a child all by yourself.
But I've been there, done that, and grown out of the t-shirt.
And Al has turned out OK.
And I'm sure that Louisa's baby will be just fine as long as it's nothing like its father! (WOMEN LAUGH) To be honest, he is a pretty good doc, right? We have to to admit that, right? Yes.
So if you'd like to raise your glasses, we'll wish Louisa all the luck in the world, because, by God, she's going to need it.
Louisa Glasson.
ALL: Louisa! Thank you.
Thank you.
This program is not subtitled Ellingham.
I have a reservation.
Ah, yeah - Mr Ellingham.
Doctor.
If you could just sign here, please.
This program is not subtitled Can I help you find your room, sir? No, I can count.
This program is not subtitled Good evening.
Come in.
This program is not subtitled Traffic terrible? Uh, no, complication with my patient.
We're sharing.
I find that a night together works out better if both parties are in the same room.
Don't you think? Yes.
Any last minute thoughts on my speech? Yes, I thought the conclusion could take a little filleting.
No, it couldn't.
What else? You make reference to Whorley's work but don't credit him.
Can't stand the man.
Well, that's it then.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Feedback appreciated.
I will, of course, acknowledge your contribution.
There's no need.
But you enjoyed the process? Yes.
DEVICE BEEP Air conditioning safely off? Those ducts are a breeding ground- Breeding ground for all manner of bacteria and microbes, yes I know.
Much better to have an open window.
(GRUNTS) It's not too warm? It feels warm.
Then take your jacket off.
No.
Shouldn't you be mingling? I know who I have to talk to and what I have to say to them but I don't mingle.
Our schedule is speech, applause, dinnerbed.
CLATTERING You know, a little networking would ease your return from the wilderness.
Although I suggest you restrict yourself to a simple knowing nod until you get the hang of it.
(GRUNTS) You're not shy are you? Er, no.
I'll just um I know it's been a while, Ellingham, but you've seen me naked before.
Yes, I'll just give you some space.
Nothing's changed - just less springy.
Compliment me.
What? Oh, I've missed you, Ellingham.
Don't sit down.
Here.
Take that.
Thank you? We should be heading downstairs.
I don't want you too near the front.
Six or seven rows back, somewhere in the middle.
This program is not subtitled Any signs of life? No.
No bed bugs.
Can I go make my speech now? KNOCKING ON DOOR This program is not subtitled Ahem.
Come in.
You might want to rethink your route from the kitchen - I ordered an hour ago.
Apologies.
The convention is slowing everything down.
Well, yes, thank you, I understand that.
Took the precaution of ordering in good time so this wouldn't happen.
Bit short staffed actually.
Not, my concern.
If my blood sugar level drops, I lack concentration.
Do you feel unwell? Ellingham, will you let the man get on with his job.
Thank you so much for coming all this way.
See that.
His temporal arteries were distended.
What? The waiter.
And his gait was stiff.
And my sandwich is soggy.
Neither of which is a medical emergency.
Where are you going? The man has a condition he might not know about, polymyalgia rheumatica.
Should have told him that when he was in.
You interrupted me.
He could loose his sight.
Don't worry.
I'll be back.
This is my night, Ellingham! Hello? This program is not subtitled MURMURED CHATTERING Out, out of the way.
LIFT DINGS Wait.
This program is not subtitled LIFT DINGS This program is not subtitled Wait.
You're not allowed in here.
I'm looking for someone.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Waiter! AH! Get an ambulance! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh! Oh! Right, give me your hand.
No, I'll be fine.
I'm fine.
I need to have a look at it.
No, let go! What are you doing? I'm a kitchen first-aider.
Excuse me.
I'm a doctor.
Get me a towel.
Oh, is it bad? Towel! A clean one! Will it need stitches? Of course especially if they have to reattach the tip.
I think I'm going to throw up.
No, you're not.
Here.
Here, sit down.
Uh, you, come here! Hold that.
I've got blood on the pineapple.
No, breathe through your mouth.
That's it.
Hold it up.
Do you know your temporal arteries are swollen.
Oh, my God.
Why? Not you.
You.
You have pain in your shoulders in the morning? Yes, but I carry trays all day.
You should make an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible.
I'm bleeding to death.
No, you're not.
Could be suffering from a condition called polymyalgia rheumatica.
What? Poly- Here, give me that.
Polymyalgia rheumatica.
If left untreated, you could loose your sight.
Make an emergency appointment.
Right.
Now, let's look for this man's finger.
Come on! No, not just a cut.
He was using a meat slicing machine, so his finger's Not the whole finger, but there's an awful lot of blood.
OK, thanks.
Everything all right? If it gets any worse, I'll give you a shout.
It'll be here in five minutes.
All right.
Come on, look for this finger! This program is not subtitled Ellingham.
What are you doing? Look for a finger.
You're bloody.
Yes.
And not nauseous.
Congratulations.
Found it! Ah, don't touch it.
Give me some ice and some cling film.
Your work here is done.
Not yet.
Is an ambulance on its way? Just called it myself.
Then you can leave.
Go and get changed.
Try not to be late.
This program is not subtitled Should I turn the bed down, sir? Umyes.
This program is not subtitled It takes a Doctor precisely two seconds to tell her "your daughter is pregnant".
"But she's never even kissed a boy! It's impossible she's pregnant!" The doctor walks over to the window, takes a look at the sky and says, "The last time something like this happened, three wise men on camels saw a star in the East.
" CHUCKLING Um an old joke, yes.
(CHUCKLES) But umone which takes me to the very heart of my lecture.
This program is not subtitled Good luck, then, with your move.
I wish you all the best.
I'll see you in London.
It was a pleasure.
Closed Captions by CSI