Doug (1991) s04e07 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
HMM, FIVE LETTERS,
"HEAD OF CITY GOVERNMENT."
HEY, DAD! DAD!
I JUST SAW
SOMETHING ON TV!
JUST A MINUTE, WILLIE.
IT'S ME!
I-T-S-M-E.
DAD, THEY JUS
SAID ON TV
THAT MRS. DINK'S RUNNING
AGAINST YOU FOR MAYOR.
OH, DON'T WORRY, SON.
IT'S JUST ANOTHER
ELECTION THING--
BUNCH OF HOOPLA
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS
AND THEN AT THE END,
I'M STILL THE MAYOR.
BUT YOU'LL KNOW HOW IT IS
ONCE YOU'RE MAYOR.
YOU DO HAVE POLITICAL
ASPIRATIONS, MY BOY?
HUH? ASPA-WHAT?
YOU KNOW,
RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
HMM OH, YEAH, SURE.
I EVEN JUST GOT NOMINATED
AT SCHOOL.
THAT'S GREAT!
PRESIDENT?
MMM, NO.
VICE-PRESIDENT?
UH-UH.
TREASURER.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S IT!
DUH, CLASS TREASURER.
TREASURER-- HMM.
WELL, THAT'S A START.
YOUR FIRST FORAY INTO
THE POLITICAL ARENA.
( gasps: )
I KNOW.
I'LL PUT MY ELECTION COMMITTEE
BEHIND YOU.
WE'LL TAKE YOUR
OPPONENT BY STORM!
I FEEL SORRY
FOR THE LOSER
WHO'S RUNNING AGAINST
WHO IS RUNNING AGAINST YOU?
DUH
OH, YEAH.
IT'S DOUG-- DOUG FUNNIE.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( splat )
Doug:
WOW, CLASS TREASURER.
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THA
WHEN BILLY GUNTHER MOVED AWAY
I'D BE NOMINATED TO REPLACE HIM?
Skeeter:
OH, MAN!
HEY!
OH, I HATE
THIS STUPID MACHINE.
IT NEVER WORKS.
HELP!
CLASS TREASURER!
THE MACHINE ATE OUR MONEY!
Doug:
DID SOMEONE SAY
CLASS TREASURER?
All:
HE'S HERE!
STAND BACK.
OH, THANK YOU,
CLASS TREASURER.
THINK NOTHING OF IT.
IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.
HE'S THE BES
CLASS TREASURER
THERE EVER WAS.
OH, WHA
A DREAMBOAT.
( all cheering )
SINCE THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME I
WAS EVER NOMINATED FOR ANYTHING
MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND I
TOOK IT PRETTY SERIOUSLY.
"DOUG CAN COUNT, SO COUN
ON DOUG FOR TREASURER."
THAT'S GREAT, SKEET.
WE'VE GOT ABOU
TEN POSTERS HERE.
DO YOU THINK WE'RE OVERDOING IT?
WELL, MAYBE.
WE'LL SEE HOW MANY WILLIE'S GO
AND THEN WE CAN
JUST EVEN IT OUT.
( marching band playing )
HEY, LOOK!
BRAVO!
BRAVO!
BRAVO!
FELLOW STUDENTS,
I WOULD JUST LIKE TO CONCLUDE
WITH THIS THOUGHT:
DUH OH, YEAH.
IF I'M ELECTED TREASURER,
I WILL, DUH
BE THE TREASURER, I GUESS.
YES, A VOTE FOR WILLIE WHITE
IS A VOTE FOR THE MAYOR'S SON.
VOTE FOR HIM.
AND NOW, PLEASE
HELP YOURSELF
TO CAKE AND ICE CREAM
AT OUR "VOTE FOR
WILLIE" CAMPAIGN BUS.
( band strikes up )
Crowd ( chanting ):
Willie, Willie, Willie, Willie!
( fireworks exploding )
HEY, CHALKY,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WILLIE'S DAD IS
HELPING HIM CAMPAIGN.
HE WANTS TO STAR
HIS SON OFF RIGH
FOR HIS
POLITICAL FUTURE.
BUT, BUT
OH, MAN.
Your son's campaign
may be important
but what about
your own campaign
against Tippy Dink?
"Tippy Dink who?" is what I say.
I've got more important things
to worry about.
Here, have a "Vote
for Willie" button.
"Tippy Dink who?" indeed.
We went out to find the answer.
Who am I?
I've served on city council
for years
and the mayor has paid
no attention
to the council's efforts
to improve our streets
and highways.
Reporter:
The mayor had this response:
Fix our streets and highways?
That's not my job.
It's to sit in that big
chair and be the mayor.
My son's running
for class treasurer.
Chalky:
WILLIE'S GETTING
ALL THESE
PLUGS ON TV.
MAYBE I SHOULD JUS
THROW IN THE TOWEL.
WHAT?
BUT WHY, DOUG?
WHAT ABOU
YOUR IDEALS?
I'M JUST RUNNING
FOR CLASS TREASURER.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M RUNNING FOR MAYOR.
( Skeeter whooping )
STOP THE PRESSES!
OUR PROBLEMS
ARE OVER!
I'VE GOT FLYERS AND POSTERS
AND BUMPER STICKERS--
THE WORKS.
( all cheering )
"VOTE FOR DAN FREEBIRD."
WHO'S DAN FREEBIRD?
MY UNCLE RAN FOR CITY TREASURER
LAST YEAR AND LOST.
HE'S GOT THE SAME
INITIALS AS YOU.
( groans )
THE NEXT DAY I WENT TO SCHOOL
INTENDING TO TELL WILLIE
I WAS PULLING OUT OF THE RACE.
BUT BEFORE I COULD
Mr. Bone:
Attention.
Before I make
the lunch announcements
all of you stay tuned
for this paid
political announcement.
Don't you want a class treasurer
you can trust?
One of your candidates
may have stolen money.
Willie White has never
been caught stealing.
One of your candidates
may have cheated in math.
Willie White believes
mathematics is very important.
Vote Willie White,
a candidate you can trust.
Paid for by The Committee
To Elect Willie White.
HEY, GIVE ME
MY MONEY BACK!
VOTE FOR ME, THE HONEST GUY.
I NEVER STOLE
OR CHEATED IN MY LIFE.
I NEVER SAID YOU DID.
BUT THAT COMMERCIAL
YOU SHOWED MY PICTURE.
MUDSLINGING ISN'T GOING
TO GET YOU ANYWHERE.
Girl
HE'S RIGHT, DOUG.
Boy:
LET'S HEAR WILLIE.
BUT I DIDN'T
( whispers: )
YOU GOT THEM.
RUN WITH IT, SON.
UH, IF I'M ELECTED
CLASS TREASURER
MY FIRST ACT IN OFFICE
WILL BE TO, UH DUH
( whispering )
OH, YEAH!
LOWER THE CANDY MACHINE
PRICES BY A NICKEL.
( cheering )
I I'M
AND ON TOP OF THA
I'LL LOWER SODA PRICES
BY A DIME.
( cheering )
WELL, I'M
IF I'M ELECTED CLASS TREASURER,
CANDY AND SODA WILL BE FREE.
( all gasp )
( loud cheering )
Students ( chanting ):
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG, DOUG!
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG,
DOUG, DOUG, DOUG!
Man:
THIS PROVES ONCE AGAIN
THAT IT REALLY ISN'T OVER
TILL THE FAT LADY SINGS
AND SHE'S SINGING
VICTORY FOR DOUG FUNNIE.
IN THE BIGGEST POLITICAL UPSE
FUNNIE HAS WON
WITH ONE BRILLIANT MANEUVER:
"FREE CANDY AND SODA"--
A PHRASE FOR A NEW GENERATION.
Man:
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
SIGN HERE,
PLEASE.
AN AUTOGRAPH?
WHY, OF COURSE.
WHO'S IT FOR?
POOPSI COLA AND
CANDY COMPANY.
IT'S YOUR BILL.
( shrieks )
WOW, MAN.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD GET US
FREE CANDY AND SODA.
I CAN'T, SKEETER.
I DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY TO
WAY TO GO, DOUG.
DUH, FREE CANDY
AND SODA?
WOW, YOU GO
MY VOTE, DOUG.
NO, HE
DOESN'T.
COME ON.
IT WAS AWFUL.
I COULD ONLY THINK ABOU
MY STUPID CAMPAIGN PROMISE.
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?
Doug:
I HAD TO TELL
THEM SOMETHING
THEY WANTED
TO HEAR.
IF YOU WAN
TO PROMISE YOUR
CLASSMATES SOMETHING
MAKE SURE IT'S A
PROMISE YOU CAN KEEP.
LIKE WHAT?
IN MY CAMPAIGN FOR MAYOR
I'VE PROMISED TO IMPROVE
OUR CITY STREETS, AND I WILL.
BUT I'M JUST RUNNING
FOR TREASURER.
MAYBE YOU OUGH
TO FIGURE OU
JUST WHAT A CLASS
TREASURER DOES.
MRS. DINK WAS RIGHT.
I COULDN'T JUST MAKE PROMISES
I COULDN'T KEEP.
SO THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL
( cheering )
Crowd:
DOUG! DOUG!
DOUG! DOUG!
( clears throat )
FELLOW STUDENTS,
I KNOW YOU MAY HAVE HEARD
THAT YESTERDAY I PROMISED YOU
FREE CANDY AND SODA.
( cheering )
WELL, THE TRUTH
OF THE MATTER IS
I LIED.
I CAN'T GIVE YOU THAT.
( all gasp )
I DID IT BECAUSE I WAS SO
DESPERATE TO WIN YOUR VOTES.
IT WAS AN EMPTY PROMISE
AND I WAS WRONG TO MAKE IT.
IT'S IN THE BAG.
WHAT I CAN PROMISE
YOU IS THIS:
IF I AM ELECTED, I'LL HAVE THE
CANDY AND SODA MACHINES FIXED
AND IF THEY STILL EAT YOUR MONEY
I'LL MAKE SURE
THE TREASURY GIVES YOU A REFUND.
I'LL DO ALL I CAN
TO SERVE HONESTLY AND FAITHFULLY
AND THAT'S A PROMISE I CAN KEEP.
YAY!
( silence )
SO THE SPEECH DIDN'T GO OVER
AS BIG AS I'D HOPED.
THAT NIGHT, WE ALL WAITED
FOR THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION.
In local news,
the city of Bluffington
has a new mayor,
Ms. Tippingdale Dink.
( cheering loudly )
A landslide victory
in a supposedly one-sided race
Mayor White's supporters
alleged he lost
because of the time he spent
on his son's campaign
for Bluffington
school treasurer.
Unfortunately for the mayor,
his son Willie was also defeated
by businessman Dan Freebird.
You may remember Freebird
from his unsuccessful bid
for city treasurer last year.
All:
HUH?
BOY, WON'T UNCLE DAN
BE SURPRISED!
( laughter )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, ALL MY LIFE
I'VE WANTED TO BE A WINNER:
TO BE THE BEST, TO BE ON TOP.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN
AT A WHOPPING 67½ POUNDS
THE CHAMPION, DOUG
"FAST FISTS" FUNNIE!
( crowd roars )
WELL, I FINALLY WAS.
BUT THE PERSON
I WAS GETTING THE BEST OF
AND IN THIS CORNER,
THE CHALLENGER:
PATTI
MAYONNAISE!
( booing )
WAS THE GIRL I SECRETLY LOVED.
( bell clangs )
UM, PATTI, CAN WE
TALK ABOUT THIS?
COME ON, DOUG, PUT THEM UP!
( gasping )
( grunts )
HEY, CAN WE
CALL THIS OFF?
( moans )
( cheering )
PATTI?
THE WINNER AND
STILL CHAMPION:
DOUG "FAS
FISTS" FUNNIE!
BUT I
IT'S, UM
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
THE WHOLE THING STARTED
WHEN SKEETER, PATTI AND I
DECIDED TO GO BOWLING.
AS USUAL,
PATTI HAD BEEN CREAMING US
BUT SKEETER AND I HUNG IN THERE.
Skeeter:
WHOO-WHOO, HA! HA!
VALENTINE IS ON THE BOARD! YAY!
KEEP IT UP AND YOU'LL GE
INTO DOUBLE DIGITS IN NO TIME.
OKAY, DOUG, YOU'RE UP.
WHAT DO I NEED
TO WIN THIS THING?
WELL, BESIDES A MIRACLE
IF THE REST OF YOUR ROLLS
ARE STRIKES
YOU MIGH
HAVE A CHANCE.
WELL,
MISS MAYONNAISE
PREPARE TO EAT PINS.
( strains )
ALL RIGHT,
MAN, COOL!
( whoops )
NICE ONE, DOUG.
RIGHT! YEAH!
ALL RIGHT!
( laughing )
Skeeter:
THE FINAL SCORES: ME, SEVEN
PATTI, A RESPECTABLE 128,
AND WITH A SCORE OF 130
WINNING BY
TWO POINTS
AND MAKING THE
GREATEST COMEBACK
IN BOWLING HISTORY
THAT BOWLING FOOL,
DOUG FUNNIE!
WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON.
I'VE NEVER BEAT PATTI
AT ANYTHING.
BOY, PATTI
I NEVER THOUGH
I'D WIN.
DID YOU?
I I GUESS WE'VE ALL
GOT TO WIN SOMETIME.
YEAH, AND LOSE, TOO.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
DOUG BUYS US
A VICTORY SHAKE?
( titters )
Skeeter:
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.
HE WAS MURDERING THOSE PINS.
( imitates bowling ball )
CRACK-O!
WOW, DOUG, YOU
REALLY BEAT PATTI?
I WOULDN'
SAY BEAT.
LET'S JUST SAY
I SQUEAKED BY.
RIGHT,
PATTI?
PATTI!
HUH? YEAH, UH
SAY, DOUG, WHAT DO YOU SAY
TO A GAME OF MOON DOG?
LOSER BUYS
THE NEXT SHAKES?
WELL, SURE,
I GUESS WHOA!
( machine bleeping )
( laser firing )
( beeping )
( zapping )
WOW, PATTI,
YOU DID GREAT.
OKAY, DOUG.
YOU'VE GOT TO SCORE
99 MILLION ON THIS
TO BEAT ME.
GOOD LUCK.
WELL, HERE
GOES NOTHING.
( game beeps )
Skeeter:
GO, DOUG!
YOU'VE GOT IT!
Girl:
I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW LUCKY HE IS!
( kids cheering )
WOW, I DID IT!
AND I GOT HIGH SCORE!
ALL ON MY LAS
MOON DOG.
BOY, DID YOU
EVER THINK
I'D DO IT,
PATTI?
PATTI?
GREAT JOB, MAN!
PATTI HAD TO TAKE OFF
BUT SHE GAVE ME THE CASH
TO BUY YOU THAT SHAKE.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE I WON.
FIRST BOWLING, THEN MOON DOG.
I DIDN'T THINK
TOO MUCH ABOUT IT
BUT PATTI, ON THE OTHER HAND
OH, MAN.
( Patti grunts )
( frustrated squeal )
WOW, SHE'S REALLY WORKED UP.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER
AT SOCCER PRACTICE.
SHE COULDN'
EVEN KICK THE
BALL STRAIGHT.
SHE'S REALLY
LOST IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
PATTI, ARE
YOU OKAY?
OH, HEY, DOUG.
I WAS JUST SHOOTING
SOME BASKETS.
PATTI, YOU'RE NOT MAD
BECAUSE I BEA
YOU YESTERDAY?
I WOULDN'T CALL I
MAD, EXACTLY.
MORE LIKE CURSED.
IT'S LIKE
I LOST MY TOUCH.
I HARDLY
EVER LOSE--
ESPECIALLY TO YOU.
NO OFFENSE.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'LL
NEVER BEAT ME AGAIN.
WHY DON'T YOU PLAY
ME AT SOMETHING ELSE
AND CREAM ME
LIKE ALWAYS?
( titters )
OOH, WHAT ABOU
BONKLE BALL?
WELL, MAYBE.
BUT YOU WON'T JUS
LET ME WIN, WILL YOU?
PATTI, I DON'T HAVE TO.
YOU ALWAYS CREAM ME
AT BONKLE BALL.
( grunts )
( gasps )
Crowd:
AW
GAME: DOUG.
PATTI, IT WASN'T
I I JUST
( titters )
GOOD GAME.
( snarling )
( gulps )
I DIDN'T KNOW WHA
WAS HAPPENING.
EVERY SHOT I HI
WAS A SCORCHER.
THOSE SHOTS
WERE AMAZING.
IT LOOKED LIKE YOU
WEREN'T EVEN TRYING.
I WASN'T-- SHE MUS
THINK I TRIED
TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A FOOL.
I HOPE
SHE KNOWS
THE TRUTH.
I HOPE
SHE KNOWS
I THINK
SHE'S
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S TIME TO ANNOUNCE
WHO IS THE MOST WONDERFUL
PERSON IN THE WORLD.
AND THE WINNER IS
PATTI MAYO
WAIT, HOLD ON A MINUTE.
THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL.
THE WINNER IS THE GUY
IN THE FRONT ROW
THREE CHAIRS FROM THE LEFT!
THE MOST WONDERFUL PERSON
IS YOU
YES, IT'S TRUE
YOU'RE SO PERFECT,
YOU'RE SUBLIME
NEXT TO YOU,
WE'RE A PIECE OF SLIME.
NOT AGAIN!
Doug:
SHE MUST THINK I'M
THE JERK OF THE WORLD.
IT'S LIKE
YOU'RE CHARMED.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY
AS LUCKY AS YOU.
SUDDENLY YOU'RE
WINNING EVERYTHING.
IT'S ALMOST LIKE
ANYTHING I DO
THAT'S IT--
I'M ON A WINNING STREAK.
MAYBE IF MY LUCK RAN OUT,
PATTI COULD CREAM ME AGAIN.
YEAH, BUT THAT COULD TAKE WEEKS.
NOT NECESSARILY.
Skeeter:
HERE'S ONE, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
SEVEN YEARS OF BAD
LUCK IS A LONG TIME.
IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.
WE BETTER GE
TO THE HARDWARE STORE
BEFORE IT CLOSES.
OKAY, DOUG.
SEVEN UNLUCKY
LADDERS.
GO FOR
IT, MAN!
YOU THINK THAT'S
ENOUGH BAD LUCK?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
WE SHOULD CALL
MY GRANDMA.
SHE CAN MAKE YOU
REALLY UNLUCKY.
Skeeter:
YOU GOT THE
MASHED POTATOES
IN YOUR POCKET?
Doug:
THIS IS WHA
SHE SAID?
YEAH, MAN.
NOW TURN AROUND
THREE TIMES
AND WHISTLE "TWINKLE,
TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR."
( whistling "Twinkle,
Twinkle, Little Star" )
WAS THAT ENOUGH, DOUG?
I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
OW!
( gasps )
Both:
ALL RIGHT-- BAD LUCK!
SKEETER AND I
THEN LOOKED FOR PATTI.
HER DAD TOLD US
SHE WAS PRACTICING BOWLING
SO WE RUSHED OVER.
( screams )
OOF!
YEAH!
COOL, MAN!
Doug:
HEY, PATTI.
DOUG, WHA
HAPPENED TO YOU?
JUST A LITTLE
BAD LUCK.
WOULD YOU BOWL A GAME WITH ME?
I DON'T KNOW, DOUG.
COME ON, PATTI.
OW! WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT TO LOSE?
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
I GUESS MY GRANDMA'S
MASHED POTATOES
ARE NO MATCH
FOR YOUR WINNING STREAK.
WHEW!
Skeeter:
AND IT'S
A CLOSE GAME.
PATTI NEEDS
TO THROW ONE
STRIKE TO WIN.
AND IF SHE DOESN'T, THEN
IT'S ALL FUNNIE'S GAME.
I COULDN'T LET PATTI
WRECK HERSELF THIS WAY.
I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING.
PATTI, IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU WIN OR LOSE.
IT'S JUST A STUPID GAME.
THIS DOESN'T PROVE
SOMEONE IS BETTER
THAN THE OTHER.
I KNOW, DOUG, BUT
NO "BUTS."
WIN OR LOSE,
I STILL THINK
YOU'RE THE MOS
WONDERFUL GIRL
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
Patti:
WOW, DOUG.
I GUESS I WAS
OVERREACTING.
SO WHAT IF I GET BEA
ONCE IN A WHILE?
THAT'S JUST THE WAY
THE BALL BOUNCES.
THANKS, DOUG.
( ball hits pins )
WHAT DO YOU KNOW, PATTI?
YOU DID GR
Patti:
WHOA!
WHOA! I WON!
DOUG, I BEAT YOU!
I WON!
WHOA!
SO MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER
IF YOU WIN OR LOSE
BUT PATTI SURE DID HAVE
A GOOD TIME WINNING.
I WHUPPED YOUR BUTT!
Doug:
OKAY, PATTI,
SO YOU WON.
IT WAS
PRETTY CLOSE.
Patti:
WHOA, I WON, YEAH!
( Patti shrieking )
PATTI, PEOPLE
ARE STARING.
I DON'T CARE.