Empty Nest (1988) s04e07 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need Anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on But, Nick, we've had tickets to this garth Brooks concert for months.
Now, as a nurse, I say anybody with a temperature should stay in bed.
As your wife, well, you know what they say.
Starve a cold, take a fever to a garth Brooks concert.
All right, hon.
If you get to feelin' better, give me a call.
- Oh, is Nick sick? - He seems to be.
He was supposed to go with me to see garth Brooks.
Garth Brooks? Oh, that country singer.
'Scuse me.
Callin' garth Brooks "that country singer" is like callin' Arnold Schwarzenegger "that guy with a nice build.
" Garth Brooks is hot! Hell, he could just hum in the shower and still go triple platinum.
Well, I'm in a pinch to find someone.
Oh, so you want me to go.
I said I's in a pinch, not desperate.
I think I'll ask Judy in proctology.
She could use a change of scenery.
Hey, daddy.
Hey, Laverne.
Laverne, this is Doug, my new partner, on duty and off.
Well, keep your hands on her off duty, and your hands off her on duty, and you'll do fine.
Bye-bye.
Hi, Doug.
Nice to see you again.
What are you guys doing around here? Trying to identify a body.
Where should we have lunch, Dougie? I don't know, anywhere.
But first, I've got to call the station and tell them the body was burned beyond recognition.
Hey, cajun.
Use the, go use the phone in my office.
It's right in there.
Hurry, boo bear.
"Boo bear"? Daddy, do you know what is so weird? I've only known him six weeks, and I've never felt this way about anybody.
He's all I think about, and I'm so happy! Oh, baby, that's great, honey.
Well, I'm happy that you're happy.
Yeah, yeah, all god's children is happy.
Well, still no luck? Well, Judy's gotta work overtime.
Seems she's the only one down there knows how to give a lower gi.
Guess you can say she's left holdin' the bag.
Barbara, you wanna go to a garth Brooks concert tonight? Oh, I love garth Brooks, but we have plans.
Hey, don't worry about me.
You two go on.
- I'll be fine.
- You sure? Hey, it's not like we don't see each other - every day at work.
- Okay.
It sounds fun, Laverne.
Dr.
Weston's office.
Oh, Nick.
Oh, you're feelin' better.
Great.
Hey, I can get us police passes, and we can go backstage.
Backstage? Nick, you ain't goin' nowhere, now.
You're a sick man.
I held everything and for a moment wasn't I a king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end boy, this is a lot better than those seats we was stuck in.
I told you, they let cops in anywhere.
Anywhere? Ice capades? - Uh-huh.
- Wow! I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance hold it.
Now, no one gets past here, and I mean no one.
Yeah, but we're big fans.
Fans? All right, he's over there.
I've seen better security in parrot world.
Hey, I told everybody in the nurses' lounge I'd get his autograph or die tryin'.
Just blend in, act nonchalant.
Oh, my lord! Garth Brooks is a-standin' right there! I don't believe it! Garth Brooks! Laverne, what happened to nonchalant? Oh, my lord! Garth Brooks is a-lookin' at me! - Whoa Nelly! - Jeez, now! Jeff, I'm going to need a hand here.
We're gonna have to get this gal some air.
Oh! Oh, my lord! Do you know who you are? Yes, ma'am.
I'm garth Brooks.
Whoa Nelly! Gosh, I'm sorry, garth.
Uh, I don't know how they got in here.
Rock, buddy, if you're standing here, who's got the front door? Uh, uhoh.
Miami pd! Everybody, stay back! Just stay back! Yes, all security personnel, report to backstage, immediately! Stay back! Oh, daddy, wasn't the ballet exquisite? Very relaxing, dear.
You know, I think my favorite part of the ballet, was leromenade de The march of the rotting fruits.
What was your favorite part of the evening, daddy? The parking lot.
Hi, westons! Where you been? I took daddy to the ballet.
Speaking of which.
Harry, don't you ever wish you had a son? Someone you could take to the old fishing hole, someone to putt around the hardware store with.
He has Barbara.
Someone who could move in with you while his house is being tented and fumigated? Now Charley, if we let you come and stay with us, we'd have to say yes to all the vermin.
Charley, why don't you just check into a motel? Yeah, I guess I could, some little flophouse on the highway, and the smell of moldy carpeting, the rhythmic flash of the electronic sign with one missing bulb.
Acancy, acancy, acancy.
All right, all right, all right, Charley, you can stay, but just one night.
Daddy, have you lost your mind? - It's only one night, Carol.
- So was the bay of pigs.
- Carol? - Not a word.
Okay.
Good night, dad.
Good night, sis.
Carol, what's keeping Barbara? Where is she? Oh, that's right.
She went to that hillbilly hoedown.
- Hi, guys.
- Howdy, partner! Daddy, Carol, this is garth Brooks.
Hi.
Well, rope my feet and call me dogie.
Hi, I'm married.
Mr.
Brooks, it's a pleasure.
- Just come on in here.
- Thanks.
- Hey, great dog.
- You want him? He's yours.
Take him.
Well, it's a real honor to have you in our home.
Garth give us a ride home in his limo.
- Laverne lost her keys.
- Really? Laverne never loses anything.
I lose lots of things.
What's wrong with you? We met garth backstage after the show.
Yes, I was having a little trouble backstage, and, uh, Barbara really bailed me out.
You know, you've got quite a daughter here.
Shoot, I offered her a job as chief of security on the road.
It's a great offer, but I can't leave the force, an I don't want to leave Doug.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go call him and say good night.
Well, it must be very exciting being in show business, huh? People cheering for you, and selling all those albums, and Do you know Vic damone? Hello? Oh, I'm sorry, I wanted 555-3201? This is it.
Is Doug there? Just a minute.
Boo bear! He's in the shower.
Who is this? This is his girlfriend.
Who's this? Nobody.
So, garth.
Let me see if I understand this, so then a dogie isn't really a dog at all? Well, that's fascinating.
I think it's time I let you folks get to sleep.
Come on, Laverne.
I'll drive you home.
No, no, no, no! Don't bother.
I'll drive Laverne.
Don't you dare.
- It's nice to meet you.
- You, too.
Uh, garth.
Listen, I've been thinking about it, and, uh, I'd love to go on the road with you.
- Cool! - What are you talking about? I've decided to take the job.
I'm going to take a leave of absence.
Are you serious? Barbara, you're gonna leave home, just like that? I mean, what about Doug? Oh, I just talked to him about it, and he's devastated, of course, but he wants what I want.
Now, Barbara, you know now that the road means like a different town every night, lonely motel rooms, not sure where you're going, sometimes not even sure where you've been.
I think I just wrote another hit.
Hey, garth.
You know, with an itinerary like that, I believe you could use a nurse on board.
Barbara, I'll call you tomorrow.
We'll work out the details.
Okay? Let's go get in your limo, garth.
Uh, would you mind drivin' by my friend Judy's with the moon roof open? Driving by Judy's with the moon roof open I think I'll leave that one for Vic damone.
Oh, I'm going to miss you.
Barbara, are you sure you want to do this? I'm sure.
Are you sure you have enough money? I'm sure.
Are you sure you won't take your sister with you? Daddy, Carol's waited 30 years to have you all to herself.
I know, and I'm frightened.
Now, look, honey, if you decide you want to come home daddy, why do you keep saying that? Because this is all so sudden, dear.
You seemed happy with what you were doing.
Weren't you? Yeah, but this is a chance of a lifetime to work with garth.
How could anyone pass it up? Okay, now maybe I'm asking too many questions, but what about you and Doug? You're right.
You're asking too many questions.
No, no, it should be four men in front, four men in back.
Yeah, and do me a favor.
Check with the fire marshal, because we really have to keep that side gate closed.
Okay, bye.
Cool, a little sewing kit.
Drrrrring! Hello? Doug? Doug who? Oh, Doug.
Yes, I seem to remember you, but not as much as I remember your girlfriend! Ah, still no answer, dreyf.
Barbara, where are you? What are you doing? Oh, my god.
She ran off with the drummer.
It's always the drummer.
Woman go for those gene krupa types, you know.
- Dad! - Will you stop saying that? I am so glad you're home.
Have you seen my book? What book? My pop-up edition of lady chatterley's lover.
I threw that disgusting thing away, Charley.
Right.
When you're done with it, I'd like to have it back.
Charley, you've been here for five days.
I mean, how long does it take to fumigate a house? Well, don't blame me.
Blame the seven-legged tiger weevil.
You know, it eats 30,000 times its weight in one day.
Well, that does sound pretty scary.
You're telling me.
We're still trying to find the orkin man.
Good night, papa.
Hi, daddy! Boy, are we going to have fun tonight, just the two of us.
I don't know, dear.
It'd be pretty hard to top the fun we've had this past week.
Now, daddy, I know you weren't really crazy about the lecture on feminist themes in German opera.
Well so tonight, I got us a video.
- Oh, all right, good.
- Napoleon.
It's French, it's silent, and it's four hours long.
So put on your glasses and let's get started.
God, it's good to be off that bus.
Didn't I just leave this room? Hi, this is Doug.
I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your Hello, I'm home.
Hang on.
Checkout time is 1:00.
There are two fire exits, one on the left hand side of the hallway, one on the right.
Yep.
Hello? Daddy.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm having a great time.
Yes, of course I miss you, and dreyfuss too.
And you know what's weird? I always thought if I got away from Carol, I wouldn't miss her a bit.
I was right! Yeah, I'm making a lot of new friends.
Daddy, I've got to go.
Somebody's at the door.
Okay, bye.
- Room service.
- I'm coming.
Hi, Kimberly.
How's it going? Same as ten minutes ago.
Here's another burger.
You got a tapeworm or something? No.
Actually, I'm not really that hungry.
I just wanted some company.
No.
Yeah.
You see, I used to be a cop, and this really humiliating thing happened to me, and I didn't want to tell my family about it.
So I took this tour, and now I'm here with garth, and I don't want to let him down.
And how can Doug make me so miserable from so far away? You're security? Usually it's the stars that are nuts.
Sorry.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, listen.
You seem like a nice person, so let me give you a few pieces of good advice.
Number one, you can't run away from your problems, and, two, you'd make a lot more friends if you'd learn how to tip.
- You wanted to see me? - Hey, yeah, come on in.
- So how's it going? - Great.
I'm, uh, kind of curious.
How are you like it on the road? Oh, I love it.
You can go to hell for lying, Barbara.
I like it.
I talked to your friend Kimberly.
She gets pretty talkative, you know? Of course, you've got to tip her first.
Okay, garth, I hate it.
I mean, I love working with you, but this bus and motel thing gets real old.
But don't worry.
I'm not going to quit.
It's not the way I am.
Barbara, I was hoping that you'd realize, if there's one thing my music's about, it's about following your heart, doing what you really want to do.
And to tell you the truth, I just don't feel that you want to do this.
Well, that's really sweet, garth, but I made a commitment, and I'm going to stick to it.
Don't worry about the job.
I mean, I can always get my mom back.
I'm not gonna do that to you.
I'm not quitting.
Okay, you're fired.
What? Why? Cause I'm ruthless.
I'm a big star! Garth.
Barbara, maybe I can explain it a little better.
I want to play a song for you.
You're going to sing a song now, just to me? Yeah, don't worry.
I saw this in an Elvis movie.
You know a dream is like a river Ever changing as it flows And the dreamer's just a vessel That must follow where it goes Trying to learn from what's behind you And never knowing what's in store Makes each day a constant battle Just to stay between the shores And there's bound to be rough waters And I know I'll take some falls But with the good lord as my captain I can make it through them all Yes I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry Like a bird upon the wind These waters are my sky I'll never reach my destination If I never try so I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry yes I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry thanks for being ruthless.
- Hi! - Hey, baby.
Oh, how was your first day back at work? Great.
I got a new partner, and he's perfect.
He's married and he's really ugly.
Well, I'm very happy for you, dear.
Did you see that creep Doug? Yes, and I let all my feelings out.
I said everything I wanted to say, and I didn't hold anything back.
Oh, Barbara, I'm so proud of you.
You know, confrontation is extremely cathartic.
But most importantly, did you experience closure? No, but his left eye did after I socked him.
Well, they finished my house, so I guess I'll be movin' on.
Charley, didn't I kick you out yesterday? Uh-huh.
Isn't that my suitcase? - Uh-huh.
- And my shirt? Uh-huh.
Later, pater.
All right, maybe things should get back to normal now.
Come Ah, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.
Hi, doctor.
I hope I'm not intrudin', but could I take a look around your house? It won't take a minute.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay, ladies, step right this way for a tour of the home of the personal bodyguard of garth Brooks.
This is the dog that garth Brooks petted.
This is the couch that garth Brooks sat on.
This is nobody.
Listen, Laverne, you're giving a tour of my home? Well, I would've charged, but frankly, doctor, this ain't no Graceland.
All right, let's take a look outside.
I got friends in low places Where the whisky drowns and a beer chases my blues away And I'll be okay I'm not big on social graces Think I'll slip on down to the oasis so I've got friends in low places