F is For Family (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

1
[tires squealing]
[crash]
[Frank] Ah, Christ.
Nine acres of tarmac, and you idiots
still find a way to crash into each other!
Sorry, Frank,
but when two alpha dogs play chicken,
there ain't no back-down.
Nuthouse. I'm managing a fucking nuthouse.
Come on, help me.
Oh, the back, the back, the back.
Hey, Frank. I'm Ed,
the ground chief over at Alaquippa.
I know, Ed. You've been here
for seven years.
Didn't want to assume.
How's it hanging, Frank?
Shriveled and unloved, Rosie.
Can you help me out here?
Sure.
[Frank and Rosie grunt]
-You got a problem?
-No, I'm doing swell.
Hey, put that gun back in that suitcase!
Union rules.
So, uh, Frank, it's Tuesday and--
I did just find out that my lady
is stealing from me.
But it's not work-related,
so I wouldn't want to burden you
with saying things aren't okay.
I don't give a shit, Ed! I got
half a dozen fires to put out here today.
-Funny you should say that.
-So anyway, I just clocked out and--
-Well, "funny" is a subjective thing.
-Shut the fuck up, Alaquippa Ed.
Frank! It's Tuesday. Six o'clock.
Oh, shit, you're leaving today.
Taking three months worth of sick days.
It's like you're quitting.
Naw. The day I quit, you'll know it
'cause the cops will be pulling me
off Bob Pogo's droopy-skin corpse.
Well, good luck, Rosie.
You're really gonna be missed around here.
[crash]
Especially now. You Siamese dipshits!
One more fire for Frank to put out.
And the one at your service hangar
I came over to tell you about.
[siren blaring]
-[man] Fire!
-Ah, shit!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Turn off that goddamn radio!
-[Frank] Fourth one this month!
-[Rosie] So long, Mohican.
Fucking doorless bathroom
with no dividers.
Clear the runway. Rosie's taking off!
["Shining Star" playing]
-Yeah ♪
-Yeah ♪
Hey ♪
You're a shining star ♪
No matter who you are ♪
Shining bright to see ♪
What you could truly be ♪
You're a shining star ♪
[man] This is the police! Pull over!
Shining bright to see ♪
What you could truly be ♪
[screaming]
Shining star for you to see ♪
What your life can truly be ♪
Shining star for you to see ♪
What your life can truly be ♪
[boom]
Smokey, you crazy.
Diahann Carroll would never go for you.
I'm not saying her.
I'm saying her character, Julia.
Ah, she's a beautiful widow
who can't find no daddy for little Corey.
And she needs a real man who
can fuck her silly six ways till Sunday.
Shit, you can't even do it
one way on a Tuesday.
-Hey, alderman on the premises!
-There he is!
Now, now, save the ass-kissing
for after my inauguration.
I'm just here to get a trim
before the ceremony.
Delmont, make me look
like Billy Dee Williams.
Which version? Brian's Song Billy Dee
or Lady Sings the Blues Billy Dee?
How about the version of Fats Domino
that ate Chubby Checker?
-[all laughing]
-I should kick your ass.
I don't know who those people are. Ow!
They don't need you to know
who they are to be who they are.
And don't bring
that white shit up in here.
Stand on that sidewalk.
And face the traffic!
Yes, sir.
Good God, I love that boy so much.
Look at you, an alderman.
Passing laws, cutting ribbons,
declaring wars.
-I knew you'd make it.
-Thanks, man.
You've always been there for me.
Ah! Seems like only yesterday
we were just two young kids
slinging Aqua Velva and flavorless gum
for Mr. Charles Champagne.
Oh, we had big plans then.
[Smokey] And even bigger suits.
-[Rosie] Mm-hmm.
-[Smokey] Oh, yeah.
[Rosie] I was gonna go to law school.
[Smokey] And I was gonna open
the first titty club
in the back of a snack truck.
[Rosie] Yeah, we had dreams
to set the world on fire.
And that's just what we did.
Summer of '67, burned it down real good.
Boy, we ain't accomplished nothing.
At least I got a shirt.
It took 30 years of shoving suitcases
and acting like Syracuse isn't
the filthy ballsack of the East Coast,
but here we are. I'm an alderman.
And I'm the friend of an alderman.
Wow, this is the first time
I've cut the hair of royalty.
I'm keeping these clippings.
Goddamn it!
No fucking water pressure again?
My grandad's got
a better stream than this.
It's those do-nothings
at the water department.
Last time they came to this neighborhood
was to spray me down the street.
I wasn't even at the demonstration.
Well, the water department
will be getting a call
from Alderman Roosevelt
first thing tomorrow.
Now, that's going on my agenda.
Agenda? That's my niece's name.
You are looking good.
Open-casket good.
Well, let's get this brother
down to City Hall!
Can't be on CP time for the inauguration.
["Like a Runaway Train" playing]
[vocalizing]
-[cheering]
-Cuts you down to size ♪
And hits you right between the eyes ♪
Like a runaway-- ♪
[silence]
-Train ♪
-[vocalizing]
An angry mob of joyous people
is storming City Hall.
The mob appears to be unarmed,
motivated, and extremely dangerous.
Lord, bless this righteous and plump man.
Let him ride to justice
in your golden chariot.
[cheering]
With Corinthian leather
and a state-of-the-art eight-track player.
-[crowd] Yeah!
-That's it.
Now if you want to hear the rest,
you pay for it on Sunday.
God bless you, Rosie!
-[man] Rosie, come on!
-[cheering]
One day, that's not gonna be me.
So help me God.
Congratulations, Mr. Alderman.
Hey, look at us
evening things out over here!
[man] Channel Nine
is demolishing an eyesore,
America's lack of funk!
[funk music playing]
Seems the FCC got hip to the fact
that we don't program for Afro-Americans.
But now we do, for one exciting
half-hour every other week.
-It's Funk Implosion.
-[boy] Oh, yeah.
[man] And we're holding auditions today.
So shake your groove thing down to
Waterbridge Mall
on Pebble Beach Boulevard in Whitesboro.
[boy] Oh, yeah.
Daddy, that's the show
I'm gonna audition for today!
Well, then dance your pops
over to the breakfast table.
Go, Nia. Go, Nia. Go, Nia.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa, whoa, Darryl!
Take it easy on that sugary cereal!
You think insulin grows on trees?
I'm trying to get the prize.
You kids are eating up
all the food around here
like I print money in the basement.
I am your father and an alderman,
so I proclaim eminent domain
over this Chinese finger trap.
Ha-ha.
Mama! Darryl punched me!
I didn't touch you.
You always been that ugly.
Hey, hey, hey, be nice to your sister.
And none of my children are ugly.
See? Told you you're adopted.
Hey, there are no illegitimate kids
around here.
-What about Uncle Rosie Junior?
-I said around here, not in Tallahassee!
Now don't drag your feet after school.
I'm leaving work early today
so we can go to the auditions at the mall.
-And I'm taking the car.
-[stammers] What the Four Tops?
How am I supposed to get to City Hall
on my first day as an important man?
[musical horn blaring]
[children laughing]
Hurry up, you motherfucker!
I'm losing a can of oil a minute!
[humming]
-Mr. Mayor.
-Hey, there he is!
The great non-white hope
of the Twelfth Ward.
You said naughty things about me
to get elected!
Stuff my mother heard!
But, hey, we're on the same team now.
Have a steak.
Now let's you and me talk
about all the great stuff
-we're gonna do for the Twelfth Ward.
-Oh, absolutely.
I got a whole list of things
I want to accomplish for my community.
Hey, look at this guy, made a list.
[chuckles]
You're gonna learn soon
you don't write stuff down
and you don't say stuff on the phone.
Hey, I love these.
But the first thing your people need
is the new dog track we're gonna build.
[Rosie] Dog track?
Yeah, it's going up
where the old library was.
What are you talking about?
The library is still there.
Yeah, it ain't feeling so good.
Here's the deal.
I got six votes for this right now,
and I need number seven. That's you.
You wash my hand, I scratch your back.
If you play your cards right,
you'll be a very happy man.
Very happy
man.
-What are you talking about?
-You know.
-No, I don't.
-Of course you do.
-I don't.
-You don't?
-I don't!
-Well, what are you saying?
I'm saying I don't understand!
All right, well, let's just say if you
give me that vote on this thing of ours,
you'll have plenty of sugar
for your coffee.
You mean kickbacks?
Oh! Nobody said that! Who said that?
I didn't say that. Nobody said nothing!
I was voted in to clean up my district.
People are counting on me.
Well, I'm counting on you too. I'm people.
I think you'll have
a different perspective
after you see
how things get done in this city.
Chauncey Roosevelt is not for sale!
Suit yourself. My door's always open.
Hey, Babs, shut that fucking door!
-[bell rings]
-[sirens blaring]
[indistinct chatter]
[both] Hi, Mom!
How was school?
Pretty fun.
We had to have recess inside though.
The junkies took over
the playground again.
They took our belts.
Oh, sweet Lord.
Let's get you to that audition.
[funk radio DJ] You groovy cats
and foxy ladies are listening to KWAFRO.
The Kwafro!
Next up is the Nubian Travelers.
[radio static]
[smooth radio DJ]
The Pat Boone sleepy-time hour continues
with "Gee Whittakers."
[soft music playing]
People in this part of town
sure like to stare at cars.
[funk music playing]
[singing indistinctly]
-Did you make that dance up yourself?
-Yes, I did.
I could tell.
The exit's that way.
Take that dance with you.
"Nia Roosevelt"!
[funk music continues playing]
We'll see you on the show next Wednesday.
Mama, I got it!
Next up is Ken
no last name.
[funk music continues playing]
I learned this here dance
from stepping on a nail.
Who's that crooked-ass mayor think he is?
He's about to learn that you don't mess
around with Alderman Chauncey Roosevelt!
[in Russian accent]
Shut door before chickens get out.
Who the fuck are you?
My name Slutskaya. We share office now.
Mr. Mayor, he say so.
So, uh, you think you might want
to change your mind about that vote?
Or do you need to learn the hard way?
I ain't learning dick.
So be it. I'm about to make things
very hard for you.
Very hard.
For you.
Which of these drawers is for to shit in?
And now it's winter ♪
Winter in America ♪
And ain't nobody fighting ♪
'Cause nobody knows what to save ♪
Save your soul ♪
Lord, from winter in America ♪
Stick ♪
There he is. Getting it done.
Hey, Kasper. Beer, please.
Hey, brother, how was
your first week in cracker land?
Educational.
Listen, Ro, I'm wondering if you could
help out International Touch a little bit.
Put some privacy curtains
in that phone booth
on Shirley Chisholm Boulevard.
Well--
I got a brother who could use a job
with the parks department.
You know, one of those
where he just sits in a truck all day?
Maybe give him a badge and a gun.
Rosie, you think you could name
my street after me?
It would make it easier
to tell people where I live.
Now, listen here,
it may be a little more difficult
than I initially expected
to fulfill some of my promises.
So you can't do anything?
Well, I didn't say that.
There's just
The way things get done--
"The way things get done"?
You're just as bad as the last guy,
except you're our friend.
Don't waste your breath on him.
He's not doing nothing for us.
Well, how could you say that?
I'm busting my ass for you!
And everything's gotten worse!
Hydrants, garbage.
Shit, Rosie. What the fuck
are you doing over there?
[stammers] Well, it's not me.
The mayor's fucking me over
by trying to make me rich.
Wh-- He wants to knock down the library
and put up a dog track.
Dog track?
That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
I'm trying to do something important
for the community here.
-You ain't done shit yet.
-Except lie to us!
-Just another crooked politician!
-Sellout!
My brother needs that gun
before his court date!
Hey, just back the fuck off me!
You've changed, man.
He's gone Diana Ross on us,
and we're Florence Ballard.
Yeah! We sing better than his ass,
but he's uptown fucking Berry Gordy.
I ain't fucking nobody!
Just take your clippings and go.
[grunts]
[laughing, singing]
Daddy, look what Mama got me!
I'm gonna be the most with-it girl
on Funk Implosion tonight.
Uh-huh. Th-- Tha-- That's good.
Dad, can you pass the salt?
Pass the salt! Pass laws!
I couldn't even pass a kidney stone!
Chauncey, don't act like that
in front of the kids. They look up to you.
Where's that inspirational man
who was running for alderman?
He got hit by a streetcar named reality.
Well, the whole reason you ran
is because you knew how corrupt it was
and you wanted to fix it.
[stammers] The whole reason I ran
is because you
told me to stop complaining about things!
Well, that certainly didn't work.
Well, fine then! Next time
I'll just keep it all boiling inside of me
until my blood pressure blows out
the top of my head like a volcano!
-Is that what you want?
-No!
Well, then get used
to hearing me complain!
I love you. I would die for all of you.
Now get off my ass! Goodbye!
Forgot my tuna salad and Pop-Tarts.
Now, Rosie, you gonna have
to make it fast. I'm in between shows.
I'm spending every waking second
trying to keep my campaign promises,
but the mayor is roadblocking me
at every turn.
And now my own friends are against me!
Patience, my son.
It took Jesus 24 tries
before he could walk on water.
That's in the verses you don't see.
I need your help now.
The mayor respects you.
You're the only one that can help me
get this turned around.
Rosie, I've been praying
you would come to me.
We're going to get everything you want.
You will feel the love of your flock again
because you are going to raise
the community from the dead!
-Yes!
-And bring it back
-to the heights of righteousness!
-Preach, brother!
By bulldozing the library
and putting up a dog track.
[playing fanfare]
[stammering]
Yes, with betting windows
as far as the eye can see.
Imagine the joy of your friends' faces
when they win their rent money by a nose!
Shit. You're in the pocket
with those crooks too?
The Bible says you run
with the dogs or from the dogs.
-What book is that?
-The book of one-tenth
of all popcorn sales at the dog track.
I will never sell my soul
for one-tenth of anything!
[playing dramatic tune]
Bitch, that organ is for me!
Girl, stop that.
This sweater's making me itchy.
I don't care. I paid $18 for it,
so you're gonna do $30 worth
of dancing in it before we take it back.
Welcome to Funk Implosion.
We're gonna be live on the air
in one minute.
Are you kids ready to get up
with the get down?
[all] Yeah!
Great. Well, have fun.
Thank you, Curtis.
You can go back to work now.
And can you restock
the sanitary napkins in the ladies' room?
Yes, ma'am.
We are live in three, two, one
[funk music playing]
"Get down and get funky.
N-double-A-C-P
versus Channel Nine Productions
proudly presents Funk Implosion
with your court-mandated host,
Jim Jeffords."
[light applause]
Well, here's another show I have to do.
Never sign over power of attorney
to your brother-in-law, gang.
Join me as we rack up
those community service hours
and witness what some people
call "dancing."
Now, broadcast standards dictate
that you may only do one
of these approved dances for this evening.
The Lindy Hop, the Mashed Potato,
the Funky Chicken.
Oh, strike that. Just the Chicken.
Oh, this is one of my favorites,
the Stand There.
Ain't you finished loading that truck yet?
I've taken corn-filled shits in the alley
with more sense than you.
I've been thinking,
maybe I should go back to school.
Don't leave me, Larry!
I'm too old now to start all over again.
You smarter
than all them shits in the alley.
-I can't be alone!
-Hey, Smokey.
What's shaking, Rosie?
I was wondering if I could ride along
with you tonight, like old times?
You in a bad place, huh?
[groans] Real bad.
Okay, you ride shotgun.
Well, that was certainly
a collection of noise.
This next tune is "Super Soul Brother,"
followed by a group called Parliament
with "Tear the Roof off the Sucker."
Well, at least
they're not burning it down.
I guess that's progress.
Up now, boy ♪
You better give it up, boy ♪
This stupid outfit.
Hey!
Better sing to me ♪
[grunting]
-What's she doing out there?
-Hey, stick to the approved list.
I'm not trying to break the rules.
My outfit itches!
[laughing, cheering]
This is so cool!
Oh, man, her moves are out of sight!
I'm just itchy!
Everybody do the Itchy!
What?
-Oh!
-Uh-huh. Hey.
They're getting upset. This is gonna turn
into a riot. Cut to black!
I said, "Cut to black," not to a black!
I meant cut to commercial.
Stop shooting the stage!
Jesus Christ, not that black either!
No blacks, just black!
Turn off the fucking--
[beep]
[clamoring]
Back the fuck off, you candy buzzards!
[hissing]
I get older, but those hissing vagrants
stay the same age.
I don't know, Smokey.
What the hell was I doing
thinking I could change things?
Well, my life hasn't gone
the way I thought it would either.
Wife fucking our pastor,
my circus kid ain't got no melanin,
and I ain't never even been
in a hot-air balloon.
You the person
I always looked to for answers.
And if you looking to me,
shit, we real fucked.
This whole alderman thing was a waste.
Aw, you're going through a tough time.
Well, fuck your tough time!
Didn't you hear me?
I hate this fucking job!
You hated your airport job,
but you was good at it.
You smiled at those assholes,
told them the shithole they was flying to
was the fucking Garden of Eden.
God gave you a gift,
to tell fucking lies
out of that big-ass mouth of yours.
Now we need you to use that
for us down at City Hall.
Turn on the charm and get
that fucking mayor to turn on our water.
You're right. I can do this.
Man, you've got one silver tongue.
It started in my teeth.
It's spread to my liver and my kidneys.
Smokey, it looks like
I've got some work to do.
No. We got work to do.
Let's stick it to whitey!
[grunting]
How will I get home?
Sell that sweet ass on the street!
[tires squealing]
He was my favorite Larry.
["Show Me Your Skills" playing]
Show me ♪
Baby, please show me ♪
You are the best for me, baby ♪
All eyes on you
When you show your skills ♪
Oh ♪
Time to play the game.
Mayor Tangenti, how are you
this lovely morning, huh?
Oh, the mayor's office,
jewel of City Hall. [giggles]
You're in a good mood today.
Well, I'm happy because it's time
to vote on my dog track.
This is my counter-proposal.
It designates a public plot of vacant land
for the dog track.
The proceeds will go back to my community
to make their lives better.
You get your seventh vote
when you give me this.
Nice speech, nice presentation.
But I already got my seventh vote.
Alderman Liebowitz from Little Tel Aviv.
Thanks, Mr. Mayor.
These steaks will go great
with those garage door openers
you gave me last month.
Sorry, Rosie.
You snooze, you lose to Jews.
The library is out. The dog track is in.
But I had a nice gabagool for lunch,
so I'm feeling generous.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll take care of one of these for you.
And if you learn to play ball,
I'll do another one
uh
maybe next year.
-What do you say?
-[grunts] Fine.
You started a little slow,
but you're learning.
[groans] Maybe next year.
Daddy, they fixed the fire hydrants.
We got our water pressure back.
I can almost see through it.
Maybe one day you will.
Another hard day, huh?
One step forward, three steps back,
and two to the side just because they can.
I don't know if anything's
ever gonna change around here.
I've been told I wish to make
a sincere apology
for my racially insensitive comments
on Funk Implosion last evening.
Starting today, I will be going
on a previously planned vacation.
I leave you in the separate
but equal hands
of the newest member
of the Channel Nine News team
[sighs]
Curtis Higgins.
Welcome aboard Curtis.
Thank you, Jim. It's an honor to share
the same news desk with such a legend.
Our top story tonight,
disgraced anchorman Jim Jeffords
has been placed
on an indefinite leave of absence.
Preplanned vacation!
I guess things do change.
-That was your little girl's doing.
-I made that man mad by dancing.
Sometimes it doesn't come
the way you expect it to.
No, I guess it doesn't.
Aw, they turned off our swimming pool?
Man, we don't have nothing.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Careful with the big one.
It's made from California condor skin.
Yes, sir. Thank you for flying Mohican.
I don't think you mean that.
[sighs]
Make it the last night, Charlie.
Make it the last night.
[Rosie] Hey, Frank.
Rosie! What are you doing here?
Turns out taking all those sick days
was bad for my health.
I thought being in charge would be easy.
Now I know why you're
such a miserable prick all the time.
Thanks. I-- That means a lot.
Would you mind if I came back
once in a while?
-Really?
-I hate sucking up to assholes,
but it'd be nice to spend a piece
of my day somewhere I know what I'm doing.
Oh, this is great.
I can go home early now,
watch Colt Luger with my dad,
maybe get another hug.
I love you, Rosie!
[scatting]
Sweaty motherfucker.
[sighs]
Excuse me.
Here we go. Where are you
lovely people going today?
-Oriskany.
-Oriskany, New York!
Home of romance and Boston baked beans!
Let me get that trunk for you.
Oh, no, it's light as a feather!
[chuckles]
And who is this young lady
traveling with you?
Your sister?
Your mother?! Nah!
Oh, you can't be a day over 25! [chuckles]
Come on, there you go. All set now.
Oh, 50 cents! Thank you! [laughs]
You are as generous as you are beautiful.
Okeydokey. And where is Mohican
flying you wonderful people today?
[whirring]
[gunshot]