Footballers' Wives (2002) s04e07 Episode Script

- Well, what about the blue-eyed boy? - He's on the bench, he ain't ready.
Whatever's going on between you two, he should be playing.
Well, thank you, Captain.
Your comments have been noted.
If you ever spout any of that shit again, then that will be your face.
- You know I said Adopt-a-Granny Week? - Yeah? Well, we have.
This is Mrs Birkeham.
But you can call me Nan.
Oh.
Don't you know? Well, Tanya signed all her shares over to me.
I'm on the board.
You are drunk.
I'm telling your dad.
No, you won't.
(Music blaring) Shit! I'll go.
Nan! Nan! Oh! You shouldn't creep up on people like that.
Nan, it's 2:00 in the morning.
- Harley's got a big day tomorrow.
- I couldn't sleep, dear.
The night seems to go on forever these days.
Was it too loud? Reminds me of the time Did I ever tell you this? I was at the dance hall in Cirencester.
- And I did the foxtrot with - Lionel Blair, that's right, love.
He picked me out of countless others to go up on the stage.
- Happiest day of your life? - My life.
Come on, let's get your Discman, then you can take Lionel to bed with you.
- Chance would be a fine thing! - Have you taken your pills? - I can't remember.
- That's why you'll be feeling funny.
ANNOUNCER: Well, the stakes are high today.
It's a crucial match for Sparks, the European qualifier Hope they're still saying you should play me.
You scored once, right? You're not the big deal you think you are.
- Only 'cause you won't give me a chance.
- Yeah, and whose fault is that, eh? You took drugs, mate.
You're lucky you're not suspended.
You are gonna regret lying to me for a long time to come, Sebo.
And you're gonna regret getting humped by United.
You know what I do regret? Ever giving you the time of flaming day.
Roger, that's a terrible thing to say.
Well, he's not playing.
He's got to learn to take it like a man.
I won't have anybody telling me how to run my team.
Especially not an ungrateful little shit like him.
He's tense, Seb.
But he is right.
You just got to take it on the chin.
- I don't know how you put up with him.
- I don't put up with him.
I love him.
Right.
So, is that why you kissed me? I did not kiss you.
You were drunk.
And I don't want to hear any more about it.
I'm just gonna drop Angelica off at my mum's.
Unless you want her at the ground with you on this special day.
I want some space, Luce.
Are you thick or what? - I'm sorry, I just thought you might - Come here.
I just need to focus is all.
It's like last chance for me today, you know.
If we don't win this, then Europe's bye-bye for the season.
- And I might not have another one.
- Of course you will.
You're in your prime.
Everyone seems to know that except you.
Yeah, maybe, maybe not.
But this opportunity is here and now.
Shit, I want that medal in the cabinet before I hang up my boots.
I'm playing for you today, Lucy, and I need you there.
Cheering me on from the box.
Getting me through.
Silly when have I ever let you down? I am not kicking her out until we finish the documentary.
Come on, Shannon.
You said it'd only be a week.
- She's doing me head in.
- I know, love.
But I am patron of Adopt-a-Granny.
We'll look like wankers if we crack now.
- Besides, I feel really bad for her.
- Do you hell! She loves it here.
She loves us.
She loves you maybe.
Reckon she's trying to do me in.
Ta-da! - Well, what do you think? - You look smashing, Nan.
- But the match isn't till this afternoon.
- The match? I said she could come.
(Doorbell ringing) I'll go.
- I'm looking forward to it.
Proper day out.
- Yeah.
Here, I made you a little something help you win.
It's a hat, dear.
Like what that David Beckham wears.
Now, let's try it on, shall we? There now, doesn't he look smart? (Thumping) Have you seen Paddy? Listen, Jackie, about earlier, I'm sorry, okay? You were right, I was out of order that night.
- I just don't want you to feel bad about me.
- What the hell's happened there? (Baby crying) ROGER: You little bastard! - You do not touch my things! - What do you think you're doing? - Look, just look at what he's done.
- It's an accident, Roger.
I'm sorry, but for pity's sake, he's only two.
That was my whole bloody life here and he's just destroyed it! No, Roger, it's papers and mementos.
I'm your life.
Me and Seb and Paddy! Yeah, except Paddy ain't my kid, is he? Or yours.
And I've got to put up with bloody Seb, haven't I? But where's his father, eh? When's Kyle gonna come and take some responsibility for his little brat? Oh, nice.
He's only your grandkid, Jackie.
And I've had it up to here with him! With the lot of you! Hey, like you said, he's tense.
- Go and get yourself sorted.
I'll mind Paddy.
- Yeah, thanks, love.
Hey, I was the same when I was a kid.
Before he left.
Old-fashioned discipline he reckons.
Sorry, mate.
I owe you one.
Sod toeing the party line.
I write it! But I'm finding it hard to explain what the hell you're doing! You employ me for my expertise, my instincts, H.
And my instinct is telling me that he ain't ready! I mean, look at Fry.
He's three times the player that Seb is and he's in the flipping nuthouse.
Yeah, that's my point.
Between him and Alexander, we got two key players missing.
I thought I'd have to give you shit for pushing your kid forward, not holding him back.
What the hell are you waiting for? - This is academic.
The line-up's done and dusted.
- Yeah, well, so will we be if you're wrong.
Yeah, we need to win today, Webbsie.
And you're playing silly buggers with what could be the next Wayne Rooney.
Wayne Oh, please! Listen, Seb, he's just a work in progress.
He's a flipping tadpole! Bloody expensive tadpole, mate.
I'm beginning to wonder why I shelled out for him.
And so is everyone else.
Listen, H, we kick off in less than an hour.
Bit of bloody support wouldn't go amiss! Here's how it goes, Webbsie.
You win, I'll support you like I'm your best mate.
You piss about with my money, I'll come down on you like the big bastard brother of your worst enemy.
- Brandy and ginger for you, Nan.
- Oh.
Jackie, this is Mrs Birkeham.
She's visiting us at the moment.
- That's nice.
How long you staying? - Long as they'll have me, dear.
You all right, Jackie? You look a bit upset.
Yeah, just time of the month, you know.
Menopause more like, at her age.
Nan, it's the manager's wife.
- MRS BIRKEHAM: This your son, dear? - Stepson.
SHANNON: He's on the squad.
Scored a goal first time on.
You better go and get changed, then.
Our Harley's been down there for ages.
Has anyone seen Lucy? If she doesn't hurry up, she'll miss kick-off.
ANNOUNCER: are 1-0 down and an equaliser won't do.
United's Stefano has got possession and he's tearing down the pitch.
Milligan's there.
He's determined - Oh, that's got to be a penalty.
- Shit! (Tyres screeching) Yes, there's the call.
Well, we all saw it, a tug of the shirt.
He felled Stefano like a tree inside the penalty zone.
Here's United's chance to make it a pretty decisive 2-0.
- Cheers, Milligan, you just cost us Europe.
- That ain't fair.
I'm sorry, did you say something, shit-for-brains? That's funny 'cause I thought you was asleep.
- Or is this you finally waking up! - Just wanted it so bad.
Yeah.
Well, you'll be the only one.
Let me give you a tip.
Fouls mean penalties, penalties cost goals and goals lose matches.
- So does bad management! - I know I'm hearing things now 'cause no player would ever say that to the boss.
The line-up was all wrong! Everyone was talking about it.
- We started on the back foot and we're at home.
- Shut your gob! - You can't just pass the buck, Boss! - lf I ever hear you spouting shit like that - This is behind closed doors! - Yeah? Well, so is this.
Oi! Look, I got a temper, right? But it's only 'cause I care.
I need you lot to care.
Let's have a look.
Hey, come on, that's only a scratch.
You'll live.
Shake hands, yeah.
Out of the system, fair enough? Yeah, cool.
Maybe I was out of order.
Just saying, mistakes have been made all around.
Well, maybe so.
Maybe so.
But we learn from those mistakes, right? And we move on.
I mean, we was unlucky.
We still got the league, right? I mean, there's no point crying over spilt milk.
I mean, we've still got everything to play for, right? Yeah? Yeah? Right.
- I'm sorry, love.
- I just want to go home, yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, Nan.
That's it.
Chin up, dear.
Just remember, it's not about winning or losing, is it? - Are you mad? What if Bruno finds out? - He won't.
- It's just, you know, a bit of intrigue.
- Why are you meeting up with him, then? - I didn't, did I? - Yet.
Don't you watch the news, Lucy? Those chatrooms are full of psychos pretending to be normal people so they can prey on idiots like you.
- He's a doctor.
- Oh, is that what he told you? Mm-hmm.
- Come here, babe.
- Lucy, don't.
What happened? You can wipe that shit-eating smirk off your face and all.
I suppose you think you could have gone out there and made a difference.
- Roger! - You're way out of your league.
Webbsie! Party ain't over yet, doll.
We got press.
What? No public hanging? We'll do all that later.
Now we show a united front.
Oh, and you got a beef with your son? Keep it at home.
He ain't my son here.
He's just a footballer.
Shame that particular light bulb didn't go on before today! Great.
Fantastic.
I've had a bastard of a day and you've got the hump.
First Paddy, then Seb.
You're out of control.
Look, I'm sorry about earlier, okay.
But Paddy shouldn't have been in my office.
I just got pissed off.
Jesus, Jacks, I'm getting it from all sides at the moment.
Well, you're bloody inviting it, love.
- What did H say? - Well, you know, the usual old crap.
Onwards and upwards.
We're going to have a good old group chinwag at the board meeting next week.
- This is a private discussion, you.
- And here's me expecting an apology.
- I have got nothing to apologise for! - What is wrong with you, Roger? Go on, then, Dad.
Tell her.
It's my fault.
I put the pressure on Dad because I screwed up.
- Seb.
- No! - I took a steroid.
- You stupid And when he found out, he covered up for me.
But I made a mistake.
Shit.
I mean, I've never had any proper advice or anything before I came here.
But I've sure as hell been paying for it ever since.
Everyone knows whose fault it was, babe.
Roger Webb's losing it.
It doesn't do me any good, does it? Doesn't give us another shot at Europe.
Well, there's next time and everything in-between.
It's not just that, Luce.
We needed that bonus, like really.
Cocoon's okay.
No business makes a profit in its first year.
Yeah, but it's not supposed to make a shitting great loss, is it? I mean, where do you think the wad's coming from to prop it up, eh? You? All you know how to do is spend it! Don't shout at me about it.
I'm only trying to help.
Yeah.
Well, lend me a couple of mill, then.
Because the way things are going, Cocoon's going under.
And so is our retirement! You're just being negative.
I've seen the books.
It's just teething problems.
Look, we've sorted out the kitchen stuff, which costs money, and, yeah, we've got to bump up the marketing but it's all stuff that will payoff in the end.
Can't you just stop being so effing happy! I lost us a penalty today! My last chance at the Holy Grail! I'm upset, all right? Hey.
(Shushing) I've never even smoked a joint in my life.
I was trying to be healthy.
No matter how hard I trained, you just went on and on about my performance.
I just wanted you to be proud.
- I had no idea it was a banned substance.
- That's bullshit! You nearly pissed your pants when the drug testing lot come in.
That's in your head.
I didn't even know who they effing were.
You see what I've had to put up with? I mean, why would I risk playing him again, eh? What else can I do except not do it again? You know I'm clean.
He tests me all the time.
I wouldn't be so stupid now I know.
- You always bloody knew.
- And you kept it quiet.
- Well, I had to protect him, didn't I? - You were protecting yourself.
Your own precious reputation.
I wish I got caught.
At least I'd be suspended for a bit, not persecuted forever.
- Well, is it out of his system yet? - Ages ago.
Yeah, the steroid, maybe.
But up here, you got to learn some humility, son.
- So have you, love.
- You what? Well, he's just said, hasn't he? All he wanted was to please you! All right, so he mucked up.
But who hasn't in the past.
You? Jackie, I can't believe you of all people don't understand how serious this is.
Of course I see how serious it is.
But I've seen Seb training his back side off day after day.
- Why would he deliberately go and balls it all up? - Because It's gone, Roger! Close shave and you got away with it.
- And now you can both start fresh.
- You what? You treat him as if it never happened.
And you You make sure it never does again! Because at the moment, you're both just drawing attention to it! Well, where's your mucky uniform, dear? I'll stick it in the wash.
They do that down the park, Nan.
I've told you that.
- Well, Shannon won't let me cook the dinner.
- Thank God.
And I want to do something useful.
What you need, Harley, is a good cheering up.
What I need is a proper night's sleep before a chuffing match.
- I'm telling her, Shan.
Sod your cameras.
- Harley.
(Music playing on stereo) Nothing like Lionel to put a smile on your face.
Nan Mrs Birkeham, you're going back to the home.
- Not right away or anything.
- Yeah, but soon though.
Like this week.
We've loved having you here.
Like a little holiday for all of us.
But it's time to go.
You've been so good to me and I've just been a nuisance.
No! No, you haven't, Nan.
Has she? Of course not.
Right.
Well, I better start packing then.
Well, you don't have to go tomorrow.
Midweek or summat.
- Wind up the documentary first.
- No.
Just tell them I know when I'm not wanted.
I'm sure your documentary will be all the better without me in it.
Bugger.
I'm telling you, Jacks, whatever you think, there's definitely something wrong with that boy.
- Like wanting to be loved? - Please don't start all that again.
I don't trust him, simple as that.
Speaking of trust, can I ask you something? - How come you never told me? - What? About him taking the performance enhancers.
How come it was him who told me and not you? Yeah.
I put my career on the line there, Jacks.
I mean, fewer people who knew the better.
- Like your wife.
- Yeah.
I have been married before, you know.
She'd have my balls on a plate if she could.
So you're saying that if we split up, that I might dob you in it or something.
No.
- We're not splitting up, it's just not - No, that is not what you just said.
Jackie, listen, I never asked for a pre-nup or nothing, did I, love? But I'm not an idiot.
Obviously if you did say something, I'd deny it We've been married a couple of months, Roger, and already you're planning the divorce.
All hearts and flowers you.
Jackie.
Jackie, where are you going, love? - Hello, I'm looking for a Dr Giles Arrowsmith.
- Which department? Um, Cardiology, I think.
I'll just check.
Hold on one moment.
(Computer beeping) No, if Dr Arrowsmith's not there, that's fine.
I just wanted to check I had the right hospital.
Thank you, bye.
(Doorbell ringing) - Sign there, please.
- Thank you.
That's great.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
You look just like you described.
Better.
What were you expecting? That I was gonna be 20 stone or something? It's hard to know on the net, isn't it? People tell fibs, wanting to be special.
But I knew you were.
The connection we had, you know? At least you sent a photo.
I was just too scared.
Like you said, people lie.
Maybe that's why I bottled out the first time.
I don't blame you.
There's a lot of nutters out there.
I'll show you my CV if it makes you feel better.
Actually, I called your hospital.
I needed to know you were who you said you were, Giles.
And what did they tell you? They said you were on your holidays and asked who referred me.
Well, by the looks of you, there's nothing wrong with your cardio-vascular performance.
You're the picture of health.
LUCY: I was just curious really.
And bored, I suppose.
Bruno's out so much and he goes to bed pretty early when he's training.
It seemed like a laugh.
Like you say, pretending to be someone else.
You're the someone else most women would pretend to be, I imagine.
They should try being a footballer's wife.
That's why I had to be so careful when I started chatting to you.
You seemed so lovely.
And I didn't want to lie.
But, you know, 'cause of who I am I can't afford to make mistakes.
You don't need to worry about me.
I wouldn't have known anyway unless you told me.
Football's not my thing, I'm afraid.
When you spend eight years studying for various medical exams there's not a lot of time for anything else.
Butch or what? A breath of fresh air.
So how come you ended up in the chatroom? Sounds seedy, doesn't it? But the truth is, when my wife died, I didn't know how to meet anyone else.
Not that I was looking really.
Work only filled so much of my life.
I was lonely, I suppose.
I can understand that.
What I said though, about being married I've got a daughter, Giles.
And if Bruno even found out I'd been online, let alone met up with you Relax, honestly.
There was only one woman for me.
And she's gone now.
All I'm looking for is a friend.
Someone to do this with.
As and when you can manage.
You're a good person, Lucy, and you're doing nothing wrong.
He's making us all look like pricks.
Making himself look like one anyway.
Well, he isn't the one getting booed by his own fans, is he? Reckon that's why Darius lost it.
Webbsie shitting on him 24/7.
- Darius got messed up on booze, mate.
- Yeah, but why? I'll bet Noah only pulled his hamstring to get out of the firing line.
No wonder he's turned to God.
It's like he doesn't want us to win.
Flattens all the new kids then blames us when it all goes tits-up.
You should put in an official complaint about that, Skipper.
Side issue, mate.
The point is, we got an out-of-control ego at the helm.
If we don't watch out, we'll lose the league next.
All right, boys.
Where have you been? The girls thought you stood them up.
I booked a massage after the gym.
Got so relaxed, I fell asleep.
- They're outside, sweetie.
- Thank you.
So, we're agreed then.
I got Harley to let her stay longer.
She's got bugger all to go back to.
And I wanna give her a party to remember.
Look, I'll try, okay, Shannon? But I've got a lot going on at the moment.
The doco team will be there.
Bit of extra publicity for your single.
Darling, I've got more publicity than I can handle.
But, if it's gonna make you happy, I'll have a look at my diary, okay? Sorry, I'm late, ladies.
Where's the pop? I'm gonna have to go.
I don't like leaving Nan on her own too long.
- So, I'll see you Thursday? - Yeah.
See you.
See you.
- Good workout? - I wore myself out on the treadmill.
Got so knackered.
I had to go and see a doctor.
You never.
He's lovely, Amber.
A real gent.
Yeah, well, so was Harold Shipman apparently.
I called the hospital.
He's legit.
Straight up.
So you actually saw him working there, did you? No.
He's on his holidays.
And they said that, not him.
How do you know he hasn't just pinched the name? You're taking the word of a stranger.
What's wrong with you, Luce? (Door opening) I don't want a scrap, Jackie.
I'm done in.
- What's that for? - I'm sorry, too, love.
What for? I know the kind of pressure you've been under and, well, accident or not, what happened with Seb must've been a nightmare for you.
You have my solemn promise, I'd never breathe a word.
Not even if you run off with your secretary.
As if.
I shouldn't have said what I said, hon.
It's just stress, you know.
Once this board meeting's out of the way, I'll be fine.
Yeah.
Oh! I see, right.
A bit of retail therapy, was it, eh? To pay me back? It's fair enough.
You deserve it.
Just don't tell me how much it cost, eh? (Knocking on door) Come in.
Seb - Sorry, I thought you were my dad.
- Cover yourself up for God's sake.
Okay.
Did you send me this? Yeah.
I just wanted to say sorry for being such a hassle.
I know you and Dad have had rows about me and you've been so brilliant since I got here.
Backing me up, looking out for me.
It means love, Seb.
I thought you'd like it.
I thought it was from Roger.
Oh.
I never thought I suppose he buys you things all the time.
You've probably got one already.
Of course I haven't and it's beautiful, but, well, it's wrong, Seb.
I thought I made myself clear.
If you've got some sort of crush or whatever, it's got to stop.
I just wanted you to have something special.
Because you're special.
That's all.
But if it's making you feel uncomfortable, I'll take it back.
- Yeah, I wish you would.
- Okay.
I don't mean to be ungrateful, love, and it's a nice thought, but it's inappropriate.
You should be buying something like that for a girlfriend.
- Someone your own age.
- Well, I'll see how tonight goes, then.
Eh? I got a date.
Kirstie.
She's a model.
Oh, good.
That's good.
Well, wish me luck, then.
Yeah.
Good luck.
What are you doing? Jesus.
Give me a heart attack, why don't you? - Is that why you're looking up hospitals? - No.
It's personal, okay? Hey, I'm your husband, Lucy.
If there's something wrong, I need to know about it.
No, it's nothing like that.
It's just It's a favour for Shannon.
A boob job, all right? She's having problems and I said I'd see if I could find a really good consultant.
It's her brains she needs looking at, not her tits.
I'm going to bed.
It's not just a couple of us, H.
We all feel the same way.
You're telling me you got the whole squad together behind Webbsie's back? No, some of us on the first team, we got together and had a talk - Oh, "some of us", is it now? - He won't listen to us.
- So they asked me to come to you.
- He ain't paid to listen to you, Gates.
And as for a vote of no confidence, this ain't a democracy, and you ain't on the board.
Some of the lads are thinking about applying for a transfer if things don't change.
Well.
They better come and talk to me about that themselves, hadn't they? Unless you're speaking for yourself.
Look, Conrad, I hear you, right, but I don't respond to threats.
You've said your piece.
But now you've gotta let me me and Roger Webb, look at the big picture.
And if morale's low, then do your job as skipper and sort it out from your end.
I'll sort it from mine.
Obviously stock's down since Saturday.
Well, that's to be expected.
As I said, the main problem is cash flow.
Well, let's have Roger's report first.
Amber.
You've got a conflict of interest with Conrad so we'll see you later.
All right.
I'm sure you'll look after my interests as a major shareholder.
Right.
Well, you've all got a copy of my budget report in front of you.
There's a couple of potential new signings I'd like to discuss.
Can we address some of the signings that you've already made in the last year? And if we're ever gonna see any pay-off from them.
- Which is exactly why I'm looking ahead.
- So look ahead.
What are you doing about Seb Webb? Well, I think I've explained that I don't wanna be too hasty with him.
You know, burn him out before he's even started.
So I've been working on his form and his stamina.
Well, I think he's now ready.
- Shame you didn't think of that last week.
- Shut it! Go on, Webbsie.
Well, it's no surprise that morale has dipped.
Which is why I'm working on strategies to boost it.
If you'd care to turn to page 4, you'll see that We got married dead young and had Angelica straight after so my career took a backseat before it started.
Well, I say career.
I never actually finished my fashion degree.
Couldn't you retrain now? I mean, surely you can afford childcare.
Well, yeah, that's what I wanted to do.
But Bruno liked me at home when Angelica was little.
And now we've got the business venture, there just isn't enough time.
Still, mansion, swimming pool, glamorous friends Looks like it's paid off.
So, what about you? Do you mind me asking how she died? My fiancee? I thought she was your wife.
Sounds better that way.
It was just before we were due to get married.
She was in a car with a friend.
He was speeding.
The bastard walked away without a scratch and Magda died instantly.
I'm so sorry.
Can't turn back the clock.
You must get some comfort from your job.
Saving lives.
Can't save everyone.
But, yes, when you're in theatre and you know you're making a difference, - there's nothing like it.
- It sounds exciting.
It's stressful but rewarding.
I'm sorry, you don't want to talk about work.
- You're on your holidays.
- That's right.
I am.
And I'm really glad I decided not to go abroad.
Or I wouldn't have met you.
Darius Fry's break seems to have paid off.
He's itching to come back to training.
We've also had the physio report back on Noah Alexander's hamstring, which was nothing serious, but not worth risking.
So we should be back up to full capacity within the next couple of weeks.
And with Seb ready to play, I'm looking forward to a dynamic line-up for the Premiership.
Thank you, Webbsie.
We'll continue without you now, if that's okay.
See you all next time.
- SHANNON: Hiya.
Come in.
- How are you? - SHANNON: I'm okay.
Hi, Luce.
- Hiya.
This way, Erika.
Just through here.
Come on.
Okay, come on through, everyone.
Let me introduce you to the Gateses.
Look, come to see you, Nan.
Thanks for inviting us.
Oh, I didn't.
Shannon did.
Well, we're glad we could make it anyway.
- Lovely.
- HARLEY: Drinks, anyone? - Oh, don't mind if I do, dear.
- No, I bet you don't.
- All sorted? - Yeah.
Cost an arm and a leg, but it's worth it.
- First time I've seen you smile in ages.
- Yeah? Why do you think? It's D-day, isn't it? Finally getting rid.
Oh, don't.
Cheers for coming, mate.
It's a pain in the arse, I know.
No worries.
Listen, I did the deed with Hazel.
It didn't go too badly.
Amber said he was sweating in the board meeting.
Right, how about some music? Oh, actually, I've got the new mix of my single.
Why don't we listen to that? JACKIE: Don't know where the day's gone.
You going out again tonight? Nah, I thought I'd stay in.
Oh, did your date go well? Yeah, it was all right.
It was a bit shallow, you know.
Bit of a bimbo.
Yeah.
There's no point when all they talk about is clothes and make-up, is there? Gotta have a brain.
You all right, Jacks? So you think Adopt-a-Granny Week will really take off? Totally! Except a weekend's probably more practical for most folk.
Build up your hopes and then boot you out.
Course, we kept hold of Nan for longer.
'Cause she's so lovely.
That's why we couldn't let her go without a little party, eh, Nan? (Doorbell ringing) - There you go, another guest.
- That'll bring the number up to seven.
So he's the perfect bloke.
What do you want me to say? Run away with him, then.
- Be a doctor's wife.
- Shut it.
I'm just saying, you don't need to worry.
Lucy, you're my friend.
- What if Bruno finds out you're having an affair? - I'm not.
How many times do I have to tell you? Oh, yeah, sorry.
I forgot.
He's just a mate.
Why don't you invite him over, then? Introduce him to your husband.
Invisible man, was it? It's a bit better than that, love.
Right.
Now which one of you lovely ladies is Mrs Birkeham? Oh, my! Cirencester, 1970 - Six.
- Six.
I never forget a face.
Or a gifted dancer.
Shall we? Get a close-up of this.
I love you dearly! Yes.
Here, get this down you.
It's not your fault, Jackie.
I wondered how long it would last this time.
What are you on about? It's rubbish.
Filthy rubbish from some trouble-making slapper, that's all.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course it is.
It is.
Comes with the job.
Yeah.
What are you trying to say, Seb? Nothing.
Just well Why do you think my mum kicked him out in the first place? (Door closing) I'll leave you two alone.
Hey.
What now? Jackie.
See, I told you we'd give you a proper send-off, Mrs Birkeham.
Uh-oh.
That's it.
By George, she's got it.
Here's one for you.
Sorry, I was only showing off.
Mrs Birkeham.
Mrs Birkeham.
- SHANNON: Nan.
- Are you all right? Nan.
- Wake up, Nan! - Love? - Nan? - Mrs Birkeham.
Somebody call for an ambulance.
JACKIE: You said they were your pants.
They're in my house.
They look like mine.
What am I supposed to say? You can buy these pants in any bloody shop.
What, designer like these? And I bought them for you myself if I recall.
No, Jackie, you bought some like this.
I mean, why would I say they were mine if I had something to hide, eh? Well, maybe you're so used to lying, it just comes naturally.
ROGER: Oh, God.
I don't believe this.
Oh, you don't? No, Roger, I don't.
I bet your first wife didn't either.
That was years ago.
My marriage was already over.
Oh, yeah? And what about our marriage? (Shannon sobbing) - Sorry, sweetheart.
- Are you ever on time these days? I thought you said it was an old lady's tea party.
Seriously, Bruno, you won't believe what happened.
I'm beginning to think I won't and all.
Maybe I'll give Shannon a ring.
Make sure you were really there.
- Of course I was there.
I'm trying to tell you - Save it.
We got clients.
If you weren't scared of the consequences what would you want? Not keeping Jackie very happy, are you? Come on, let's go home.
We could talk about it there.
I'm not going home.
Bit of a cash flow problem.
You're solving it.
You're selling me?