Futurama s04e07 Episode Script

A Pharaoh to Remember Up next, daring daylight robbery|at a municipal sWimming pool.
This is it! Turn me up! Today, a foul-mouthed bandit|robbed the municipal pool taking the contents|of over three lockers.
More like three lockers and a sink.
- You had something to do with this?|- Of course not! Holy Spitz!|He's sporting skintight Speedos.
- They don't leave much to be imagined.
|- On a robot, they do.
One human saW the robber Here we go.
Here we go.
describing him as|a nasty, muscular Make me famous, bighead! Caucasian human male.
What? What am I going to watch|and drink all day? This is an outrage! Why pull the biggest pool caper|if nobody knows you did it? - Well, there's the material rewards.
|- You mean this junk? Whee! All I ever wanted was for people|to remember my name.
It's Bender.
Why bother remembering anything?|You'll forget it five seconds later.
It's so unfair.
A debonair robot with a zesty,|in-your-face outlook doomed to obscurity like the rest|of you, especially Leela.
If I died tomorrow,|no one would even notice.
Boy, I've never seen him so down,|or ever before.
How does a nobody like me get famous? I know! I'm stuck, but I haven't given up|hope! Call a soft-news journalist! - You're not stuck.
|- Shut up! Hey, everybody, do The Bender!|This move's called The Bender! This circle's about free expression|not fascist moves! A blank wall! Fame is mine! No one will forget how I live|or my attitude regarding butt.
All right, ladies.
Let's flush|these artist lofts straight to hell! No! I'm the first one to work.
A new low.
Surprise! Happy funeral, Bender! A surprise funeral, for me? To show you that you'll be remembered.
Now, if the deceased will kindly|take his place of honor.
Cushiony! And a minibar! Dearly beloved, we are here|to remember Bender crushed by a runaway semi|driven by the Incredible Hulk.
Aw, you knew my favorite|cause of death.
Let's remember the best things|about Bender, in our own way.
Professor? Your standard bending unit|is made of an iron-osmium alloy.
But Bender was different.
Bender|had a.
04-percent nickel impurity.
It's what made me me! If you needed a package brought|into the country without x-raying Bender always had|a free body cavity.
- The professor's was better.
|- You're supposed to be dead.
Say how great I am.
|And where's the crying? You people look like|you're waiting for the bus.
Oh, Danny-boy The pipes, the pipes are calling Who-y-boy? From glen to glen|And doWn- You're at my funeral, singing about|some dead stiff named Danny-boy? You really are a massive bonehead! - I'm expressing sorrow.
|- Get lost! I'd say, "Don't quit your day job, "|but you're bad at it too! - We're trying our best.
|- Your best is an idiot.
Pick it up, people.
|So far, it's been crap after crap.
I croaked.
Now, show me some love.
- Bender was a truly special-|Louder and sadder! - Bender was a truly special-|Next! - Dear Lord-|Oh, next! Oh, Danny-boy Surely there's someone here|who knows how great I was.
Yes, there is, Bender.
Bender was a lot of things|to a lot of people.
Looking back, the number-one thing|I can say about him is this: Bender was my friend.
What?! That's it? Who are you? You're nobody!|This is the worst funeral ever! I hope you're happy! You've|convinced me life is worth living by showing how bad|my funeral will suck! I know whose funeral|we'll attend next.
Oh, stop.
News, everyone! Today you're going to O'Cyris Four to|deliver this enormous sandstone block.
I thought something|looked different in here.
Hi.
We have a giant stone to deliver.
|Sign here.
Nice! Much like the 10 million|identical stones already used in the future tomb|of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
Impressive.
Who'll build it? - You.
|- Say again? You are now slaves of the great|Pharaoh Hermenthotip.
Guards! Call it a hunch, but I've got|a bad feeling about this.
The bad thing about being a slave is,|they don't pay you or let you go.
That's the only thing|about being a slave.
Attention! You are now possessions|of Pharaoh Hermenthotip bringer of the good aspects|of the annual floods! This place is like|the ancient Egypt of my day! That is no coincidence.
Our people visited your Egypt|thousands of years ago.
Insane theories: one.
|Regular theories: a billion! We learned much from the Egyptians.
|Pyramid building, space travel and how to prepare our dead|so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
Also Wolfman.
Look at these swanky tombs!|These people know how to die.
They worked thousands of people to|death making these stupid monuments! Spend your whole life building|a guy's toe, you'll remember him.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
I noticed your sign.
|I thought I'd look into your program.
We make you starve to death.
One, two, three, pull!|One, two, three, pull! Aw, bloody chunder! Pick it up, people!|We're enslaved to do a job! Master, do we have to count to three? Couldn't we count to one?|Or one-half? Good idea, slave.
One-half, pull!|One-half, pull! Now we're slaving! Pharaoh's counting on us!|Work faster! Like this: That's motivating me? Don't whip with your arms.
The power|comes from your hips.
Like this: Quit giving the slave drivers|pointers! - Remember who your friends are!|- I'll tell you who I remember! Enoughsis! Pullutut! What's-His-Name! He was the greatest of all.
Pharaoh Hermenthotip approaches! Hurry! Pharaoh's coming!|Get that nose in place! Come on! Excellent work!|I'm very proud of all you slaves! Viva Hermenthotip! And now, I have a grand announcement.
In honor of your achievement,|you're all hereby- No! Tell the slaves they can all go- Go faster? I told them,|but they're lazy.
No.
I mean, they're all free.
- Freeloading off you? I agree.
|- No, I Pharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.
He's whipping angels now.
We commend the body of Hermenthotip|to the abode of the damned.
The damned good-looking.
Pharaoh commanded me|to tell that joke at his funeral.
I'll always remember you,|Hermenthotip.
To equip Pharaoh for his journey,|we bury him with his favorite things.
Such as his heart and liver.
And the many goods he left|in his royal garage.
Also this bag of cats our culture|considers holy.
Pharaoh, my god-king,|You are cold and deceased I used to have him sing P- P-P-Pharaoh and his pets But the years Went by|And Pharaoh died Susie Will have joined him|In the afterlife Hermenthotip is gone.
The time to|designate a new Pharaoh is at hand.
Wow! At dawn, the high priest will|consult the Wall of Prophecy to determine|Hermenthotip's successor.
That ends the funeral.
You don't have|to go home, but you can't stay here.
Can you believe it?|Pharaoh's dead! Yes! Tonight we are slaves to no one!|Except the rhythm.
Yeah! Play those bongos! I'm gonna spin till I fall down! We interrupt this ancient prophecy|to bring you a late-breaking bulletin.
Great Wall of Prophecy! Reveal to us|God's will that we may blindly obey! Free us from thought|and responsibility! - We shall read things off you!|- Then do them! - Your words guide us!|- We're dumb! You know what else stinks|about being a slave? The hours.
The prophecy is strange|and crudely drawn at best.
It indicates that we are here and our next Pharaoh|is over there, near some tents.
Those are waves, jackass!|It's supposed to be a river! - I know who the next Pharaoh is!|- Oh, lord.
We hear your voice, great Pharaoh!|Reveal yourself to us! Behold! I have emerged|from the place of spells and fairies! It is he, just as the Wall of Prophecy|prophesied! Long live Pharaoh Bender! - Long live Pharaoh Bender!|- This society is a bunch of idiots.
People of O'Cyris Four! Welcome a man who started as a slave,|but worked up to lord of all creation! Our new Pharaoh, Bender! Citizens of me! The cruelty of the old|Pharaoh is a thing of the past! Let a whole new wave of cruelty|wash over this lazy land! What did he say? Hear the word of Pharaoh! Build unto|me a statue of ridiculous proportion! One billion cubits in height that I might be remembered|for all eternity! And be quick about it.
- Lowly slave! Why are you not working?|- I am! I meant, "Yourself to death?" Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.
Well then, what do you think|you should stop doing? Crawl, pigs! The Pharaoh has spoken! Your task is nearly completed.
|Don't let down Pharaoh now! The great monument is finished,|oh, Pharaoh! And now the unveiling! Remember me! Remember me! Remember me! Does it please you, my lord? It's a good start.
Yeah, it's definitely big.
I just|wonder if it's too big, you know? Are people gonna be remembering me|or the statue? We made it to your|exact specifications.
Too exact, if you ask me.
Tear it down and try again! But this|time, don't embarrass yourselves! Ladies and gentlemen,|the Pharaoh suddenly died.
- Good riddance.
|What about my servants? - Oh, yeah.
|- Right.
Bender, I really hope that's you,|because if it isn't we're in trouble.
You jerk! Why'd you have|to drag us along? I wanted to watch you remember me.
You thought you'd need|this junk in the afterlife? Afterlife? If I had to go through another life,|I'd kill myself.
Rot in peace.
|Fry and I are leaving.
Sorry, but we're totally sealed in.
Nothing can get in or out|except millions of snakes.
Have a pomegranate schnapps|from my distillery and start sharing fond|memories of me, Bender.
What proof is this? Some huge number? It's explosive! We could ignite the distillery|and blow this place to rubble! Let's get a little kindling going.
You can't blow up my monument!|I won't be remembered! Oh, right.
How selfish of me.
|We'll just stay here forever.
Hey, Fry? Remember that robot, Bender? Bender? Doesn't ring a bell.
- Did you hear something?|- No.
I bet it wasn't someone|good at stealing.
Stop it! It's not right!|You've crossed a line! - You know who I remember?|- Let it be me.
- That guy who used to bend things.
|- Me? Please? - Hermes!|- All right, all right! If it means that much to you,|blow up my statue.
Oh, Bender! When did you come in?|Hold still.
Let's blow this tomb.
Pharaoh Bender!|He once more walks among the living! How we doing? Remember me! I will.
I will.
Please just leave me alone.
I understand your desire|to be remembered but you don't need|a statue for that.
- I don't?|- No.
You have your legacy as a brutal,|tyrannical dictator and that will|outlive any monument.
- You think they'll remember me?|- Absolutely.
Well, in that case, one planet down.
Helmsmen, set course for Earth! That's not Earth.
|Oh.