Greek s04e07 Episode Script

Why are you wearing an Omega Chi pledge pin? Because I'm pledging Omega Chi.
If it's OK with you, I might just skip tonight.
- Do you mind? - I totally get it.
Will you be my date for Pledge Presents? What about your boyfriend? He can't be bothered with a sorority party.
Not when there's a law school study group to go to.
Please teach me about fairy tales and reality.
- What is that supposed to mean? - One word: Cappie.
How much time are you gonna waste on that stupid fairy tale? For someone who wants me gone, you could at least get out of my way.
Where are you headed? I'm staying at Rusty's until I find my own place.
- What is this? - It's a fairy tale.
You're also Casey's professor and you're way older than me.
Casey's an adult, I think she can handle you and me dating.
- What is wrong with me? - Nothing's wrong with you.
In fact, you're gonna do amazing things with your life.
I know something good happened to me last night.
Maybe some mysteries are never meant to be solved.
OK, Dale's getting your cake, Heath's getting your beer, and I gave our neighbors the you're-not-really-invited invite so they won't complain about the noise.
I can't believe I'm finally gonna be 21.
And I can't believe Casey took the "Which of the Friends Are You" Test and she's a Rachel.
She wishes.
More like a Ross.
Or a Gunther.
- They're still fighting? - Haven't talked in weeks.
Oh, God, she friended Tegan? Puke.
Hey, Ash? Remember when we talked about you staying here, we weren't gonna talk about Casey.
Besides, we're focusing on Calvin's party.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm all about Calvin's party.
Oh, and I can take care of all the decorations.
- No, you don't have to.
- Please, I have a crappy minimum-wage job now.
Think I can afford some streamers and balloons.
- All right.
- So is Casey coming? All right, Ash, if she is, there's to be no drama between you two, and no drama between my Omega Chi brothers and KT friends and boyfriend.
That's why we're having the party here.
Neutral territory.
Tomorrow, there's no haters.
Only lovers of Calvin.
Might need to get a bigger apartment.
All right, I'm outta here.
I will see you guys tomorrow when I'm legally able to drink.
Go get 'em.
Well, I guess just you and me.
I was thinking about watching some TV.
There any top chefs, top models, big losers you need to check in on? Yeah, I could watch some TV.
With a lot more snow in the forecast with the bulk of the snow arriving late tomorrow, expecting ten to 12 inches in the Cypress Rose area, so you're gonna want to stay in and bundle up, because those roads are going to be slippery.
You know, there's nothing on TV.
We should just go to bed.
I mean you should go to bed.
Me, too.
'Cause there's a big party tomorrow, we should get some sleep.
Good night.
OK.
Good night.
Can you believe it? They're predicting the first snowstorm in Cyprus - in 50 years.
- Mm-hm.
They said ten to 12 inches by tomorrow night.
Oh, my God, Ash ate a caramel pecan cheesecake brownie 37 minutes ago posted a picture of it on Facebook! What the hell? Ashleigh always hated nuts in her dessert.
Well, Casey always liked snuggling.
As well as more advanced forms of snuggling.
So why don't you move within range of my arms, and other body parts? I'm just used to knowing what Ashleigh's doing every minute.
Even when she lived in New York.
Not that I even care that much.
I'm doing fine without her.
But it's just weird, not talking to her.
She doesn't even know that you and I got back together.
Why do you care if she knows? I don't.
It's none of her business.
And she owes me an apology for our fight.
I said some true things about her life that she didn't want to hear, and she said some terrible, untrue things about mine.
- Terrible things? Like what? - Oh, you know Just stuff.
Just stuff.
Like, stuff about me? It doesn't matter.
You know, I don't think I'm gonna go to Calvin's party.
What? How can you not go? It's at your own brother's apartment.
I know, but things are - too raw between Ashleigh and I.
- As you wish.
Thank you.
Ashleigh became a fan of Color Me Badd! She hates '90s novelty bands.
What is going on with her? - Call her and find out.
- Please.
On a cold day in hell.
Hey, what's that? Most prenuptial agreements stipulate mediation in case of divorce.
But emotions can get out of hand and a lawsuit can indeed result.
Can anyone give me an applicable tort, please? Ms.
Parker? Alienation of affection.
In Shackleford v.
Lundquist, a wife sued her husband's mistress and was awarded millions.
Good.
Hope that doesn't scare any of you away from marriage.
On the other hand, the divorce rate in the legal profession is higher than the national average.
We used to call that the law school curse.
Too much studying, and no time for anything else.
Well, it's snowing already, so why don't we finish early? Have a great weekend, everybody.
- He's chipper today.
- Someone's getting laid.
Well, if that's the case, I'd like to thank whoever's responsible for getting us out early.
Hey, what do you think about this "Law school curse" Business? You and Rebecca have been together the whole time we've been in law school.
Has it caused any problems? Well, there was an adjustment period.
But I don't know.
You know how Rebecca is.
She freaked out a few times.
But, uh, she seems fine now.
Do you think I should be worried about Cappie and me? Why do you come to me with this stuff? You know how I feel about Cappie.
Because I'm still not talking to Ashleigh and I need to talk to someone about us getting back together, and curses and things.
Right.
Try a girl.
And as for the curse? - It's just a myth.
- Jim, stop smothering me! If you want someone to hold your hand and tell you how smart you are, call your mother.
Just like you do every day.
I'm your wife! Well, maybe not for long! How about that? - Fine! - Jan? Jan? Was that the curse? Should we be freaked out? Again, try a girl.
Please.
- Hot cocoa, ladies? - Ooh! Yeah.
I'm frozen.
I can see how, being a KT, you might think "Ladies" Applies to you.
- But does not.
- Fine.
I just want to make sure you're good for the party tonight.
And I wanted to ask you something.
Have you noticed Ashleigh acting weird at all? - It's pretty obvious what that is.
- What? She's fighting with Casey.
And she figures since you're her brother, you'll always take Casey's side.
Come on.
Let's face it.
With that dimpled chin, those buttery blonde highlights, it's pretty clear who's in the right here.
It's Casey.
Yeah.
Maybe that's it.
Sounds like we could get snowed in tonight, Dale.
So some of the girls were wondering if we're stocked up on graham crackers, chocolate bars, marshmallows? We're making S'mores.
Yes, I figured it out.
You'd think people around here never seen snow before.
I just wanna make sure you got the cake for Calvin's party tonight.
Yeah.
It's in the fridge.
So where is this party at, and can anyone come? Sure, it's at our apartment.
I didn't know you knew Calvin.
I don't.
But I know you.
You're Casey's brother and the guy who stole the A&M goat.
And I frickin' hate s'mores.
So I'll see you there, goat guy.
That goat should've been ours.
You mark my words, you KTs are gonna pay for that.
You seriously ended your class early for me? I thought we could go out before things gets worse, maybe get trapped somewhere together.
Well, I can't.
It's my friend's birthday.
I'm kinda dreading it anyway.
I think Casey might be there.
She still doesn't know we're dating, right? Maybe you two should bury the hatchet.
I could come with you, if you want, for moral support.
I don't think seeing us together would be the best way to make up.
Well, um call me if you change your mind.
- OK.
Bye.
- Bye.
Was that guy bothering you? I'll kick him out if you want.
Oh, he's gone.
See? It worked.
- What do you want, Cap? - Look, I want us to be friends.
I know you and Casey aren't talking and I hope I wasn't the cause of that by suggesting you take that job here at Dobler's.
It was a stupid thing to say, because I think that you're way too good for a crappy job like that.
I meant, what do you want to drink? Did I? Did I say "Crappy?" I meant "Great!" Why do you even care if we're fighting? It's not like you and Casey are back together.
Why do you care that I care? Why is there no Real World Cleveland? Will the Bonus Jonas prove to be the best Jonas? There's just so many questions, and so few answers.
Well, stay warm.
Hey, girlfriend! Hey! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
- Uh, I saw you this morning.
- But we haven't really talked.
I asked you to replace the sponge that smells like hot dogs, and you said fine.
I know, but really talked.
Like, about life, friends, guys Are you trying to have girl talk with me? - I don't do girl talk.
- Wait, wait! It's just that, I'm not talking to Ashleigh right now.
Not that I need to.
I have other gal pals, like you! See, I just found out about this so-called law school curse What law school curse? That law school ruins relationships.
But it's probably a myth, right? Because Evan said everything is fine with you guys.
Of course he did.
Everything's fine, and I'm crazy.
Never mind the fact that he's obviously pulling away from me in every area.
Were there any signs that things were going badly before you and Evan broke up? Um he slept with you.
Right.
It's probably weird for us to even be talking about this.
- See you later, Case.
- Wait, wait, wait! I i Hey.
I hope people like pretzels.
They were having this amazing sale.
Oh, my God, do I look that stupid? OK, it wasn't that good of a sale.
So I ran into Cappie today and he acted strange er than usual.
So I did a little digging.
Two days ago, at 12:17am, Casey posted a status update saying Sandra Bullock was "Inspiring.
" So then I cross-referenced that with Cappie's page and at 12:37, he joined the "Betty White for President" Fan club.
They were watching The Proposal.
Together! They're back together, aren't they? God! I can't believe I was thinking about making up with her.
And I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Ash, wait Look, I love Calvin, but I really don't think I can be around Casey and Cappie tonight.
So I'm just gonna go meet up with a with a friend.
Come on, Ash, you have to stay.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but we made a deal that we wouldn't talk about Casey and, frankly, I didn't want her in our friendship more than she is already.
Casey isn't in our friendship.
Then why have you been acting weird around me? Because Because Casey's in our friendship! And because she's your sister.
But you're my friend who means a lot to me, too.
You've been dealing with so much, I just want to be there for you.
Don't worry about Casey, OK? - OK.
- So you'll come? Um, I'll have to think about it.
Um I'll see you later.
Hey, Rus? Heath picked up the Oh.
OK.
If that's supposed to be my birthday present, that's not my thing.
He's definitely not into that.
Rus, this is Ashleigh we're talking about.
It's not like she's the only girl who has that shade.
But it looks like the color I had on when I woke up after Homecoming.
You bought pretzels, too? Heath, you were supposed to get beer.
- No, you were supposed to get beer.
- I'm underage! - Oh, that's right.
- Look, I know Ashleigh really likes you as a friend.
A friend who was best friends with your sister, and who's now living with you.
So if you're cross this line, it could change everything.
I know.
There's no reason in the world a girl like Ashleigh would ever be into a guy like me.
But I think there's something happening between us.
I've felt it, and I think she has, too.
Has she given you any of the usual signs that she's into you? Has she ever touched your arm when you're talking or does she get jealous around other girls? Has she Oh, has she ever held your gaze and smiled at you from across a room? I haven't really been looking for anz*** of that.
Well, you're gonna be around her all night.
Good time to find out.
A mensa et thoro.
A dissolution of marriage from causes of cruelty or desertion.
- Casey? Keep up.
- Oh Sorry.
Wait.
You're in law school and in a relationship.
You mean Walter? Um, I wouldn't really call it a relationship.
It's more like two consenting adults fulfilling mutual needs, quite frequently, with a consistent level of satisfaction.
Right.
Well, um, if you were in a relationship, would you be worried about the law school curse? Are we talking Cappie? Why don't you give me the facts.
OK.
Well, um Cappie and I dated freshman year, then we broke up, then we hooked up, then we almost got back together, then I threw myself at him and he said no, then we got back together again, then we broke up again, then we hooked up again.
And now we're back together again.
That doesn't sound promising, does it? I don't think that it's my opinion that you want.
I think there's someone else you need to talk to.
- Oprah? - Ashleigh.
I think she knows you and your relationship with Cappie a little bit better than I do.
That might be more relevant - than my IQ of 168.
- Yeah, I do, I need to talk to Ashleigh.
I'm going to do it tonight, at Calvin's party.
- Attagirl.
- Yeah.
- Well, hello to you, too.
- What do you say we show up to the party fashionably late? Casey's already left, so no house mommy scolding us for being naughty.
And, uh, I will be naughty.
It's really coming down out there.
- We could get stuck here.
- Even better.
Rebecca Come on, it's Calvin's birthday.
This is the law school curse that Casey was talking about, isn't it? - Casey told you about that? - Yes.
And you can't tell me that nothing's wrong again, because there is.
We need to talk about this.
This is not the place to discuss it.
OK? We'll figure it out.
But for now, let's just try to have a good time at our friend's birthday party.
Fine.
Hey.
Glad you're here.
Oh, yeah.
You were right.
Couldn't miss Calvin's b-day.
And if Casey isn't worried about me seeing her with Cappie, then I'm not worried about about anything either.
Um, I invited my friend from earlier.
- Hope that's OK.
- Yeah, the more the merrier.
A couple people texted me, said they couldn't make it because of the snow.
Well, Heath's gonna be late.
Apparently, they closed Route 9.
He better get here quick with the beer.
Twenty bags of pretzels can only do so much.
Relax.
It'll be fine.
Shoulder.
Is that the same as the arm? Yeah, I mean, it's the top of the arm.
- Or the bottom of the neck.
- It's around there.
- Oh, here they are.
- Hey, Rusty.
Dale? I didn't know you were going to be here.
At his apartment? Where he lives? Thanks for letting us come.
It's really cold out there.
I wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it.
Hope it lets up so the rest of his friends can make it.
Great place, Rusty.
I don't know a lot of people that live in apartments.
It's so adult.
- We got a futon and everything.
- Abby! What are you doing here? Oh, Rusty invited me.
I didn't know that you two knew each other.
- We don't, really.
- Not yet.
So I see.
Are you in the habit of showing up at a strange man's apartment not uninvited? - Um what? - Take your coat? - Yeah.
- OK.
All right.
Are you ready, champ? She's Ashleigh, not Chuck Liddell.
He's a boxer, right? Ashleigh.
Um, can we talk? - Rebecca, hi! - Hi! - Hey.
Thanks for coming.
- Hi.
- It's getting cold.
- Hi.
- Hey, man.
How you doing? - Happy birthday.
- Good to see you.
- Thanks for coming.
- Ouch.
- Listen, you're down, you're not out, champ.
OK? We'll just let her cool off and try again.
I'd love a personal tour of your apartment, Dale.
I'd love some more pretzels.
Hey, Dale! What's the deal? We can't do book club anymore since you've joined the sub-literates at Omega Chi? According to Trip, you're just jealous 'cause you're a KT.
And according to Trip, you'll find out who has the best house once Trip-n-Dale kick your butts at the Beer Pong World Series.
- I thought it was Cap-n-Dale.
- It was.
- Since when do you play Beer Pong? - Since I pledged the best fraternity on campus.
According to Trip, I'm a natural.
Oh, you are, are you? Well, what do you say to a little game of Beer Pong right now? - Sans beer, apparently.
- Hey, Cap, no House stuff.
- It's Calvin's birthday, remember? - Right.
There's nothing wrong with a couple of civilians playing a friendly game of Jenga! - You in? - Jenga? It's my middle name.
Let's play.
It was really weird.
She seemed jealous when I was talking to Abby, right? - Isn't that a sign? - OK, maybe there is something there.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Hey, Ash.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Cappie before tonight.
Oh, please! I already knew.
I read all about The Proposal online.
- Cappie didn't propose.
- No, but Sandra Bullock did to Ryan Reynolds in the movie that you two watched together.
I figured it out on Facebook.
You Facebook stalked me? Who does that? Look, I don't care about you and Cappie anymore, anyway.
I have my own love life to think about.
- Hi, Simon.
- Hey.
Why is she kissing my law professor? Why is she making out with my law professor? Why is she kissing that old guy? Well, Heath just called.
And apparently the roads are closed.
So he's not coming back with any beer.
- Want a drink? - What is it? Vanilla extract and tonic.
I can't believe I thought Ashleigh was into me.
Look, now you have your answer.
So maybe you should stop focusing on someone who's not into you and try focusing on someone who is.
- Not me.
That girl Abby.
- Oh, OK.
You're right.
I'm going for it.
So you two are dating.
How did that happen? I guess we, uh I guess we owe it all to you, Casey.
Fascinating story.
Ashleigh, I need to go the bathroom.
Oh.
It's right over there.
Well, you know, you couldn't have found a better girl.
We've been friends for years, right, Ash? I guess? Yeah.
Oh, speaking of great girls, Professor, I'd like to officially introduce you to my girlfriend, Rebecca Logan.
A very impressive young lady.
Her father is Senator Ken Logan.
You remember the senator's tort reform ideas from a few years back? Yes, that was before he had sex with all those hookers and resigned in disgrace.
Impressive, right? Excuse me.
Sorry about that.
Um Rebecca's just a little bit dramatic.
Listen, I was gonna go track down the drinks.
Do you want anything? I'm not much of a drinker.
The recovery time's a bit longer at my age.
And what is that age, exactly? Does it start with a three? Or a four? Casey, Simon hasn't had the pleasure of meeting your brand-new old boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, he's right over there.
Oh! Jenga! - Suck it, Kettle-smell! - Two out of three? Cappie's youthful exuberance is part of why I love him.
It's good.
I'm glad there are some couples who are surviving the law school curse.
I had to call security on Jim and Jan today.
Ashleigh, I really need to go to the bathroom.
Are you coming or what? Just give it up and go pee already.
It's so cool that you got the A&M goat.
Weren't you scared you were gonna get caught? How'd you do it? We went in, and we got him.
Do you think it's weird when a person dates someone who's a lot older than them? Oh, yeah, other than Edward and Bella, obviously.
I just don't get it.
I really like guys more my own age.
Yeah.
Maybe you'll meet one someday.
I'm starting to doubt that.
I'm out of pretzels.
A-ha! I saw that clump on your left lower lashes and I knew you'd have to come in here to fix it sooner or later! Oh, my God! Are you insane? I could have blinded myself! Oh, are you sure you're not blind already? Do you not realize you're dating a guy who's old enough to be Color Me Badd! That's why you fanned them on Facebook! You Facebook stalked me, too! Admit it, you two have nothing in common! You're just dating him to get back at me! I am not! Look, Case, you already got what you wanted.
You and Cappie will defy the law school curse and get married and have your minivan and 2.
3 kids.
So have a nice life.
Who said anything about marriage and kids?! I know we agreed not to talk about Casey, but she actually thinks I'm only dating Simon to get back at her.
Are you? There's nothing to drink, it's cold as hell and you're obviously into someone else.
So I'm gonna go home, because I am not one of these needy girls desperate for attention! You have such a gentle touch.
Yes! I win again! Suck it, you civilian who will return to being an Omega Chi douche tomorrow.
This is your fault! Why are you even still here?! Fine! I'm leaving.
This party totally sucks anyway.
And I can tell when I'm not wanted.
I don't think that's entirely true! Desperate, bitchy girl is right.
This party does suck.
I'm boyfriend-less, the thermostat is clearly broken and we're all stone-cold sober - Literally.
- I have an idea.
Let's all go to Dobler.
That's a place where there's heat, and alcohol.
Dobler's is closed.
The whole town is shut down because of snow.
Not if you're the new waitress and you have a key! Come on, we can all walk.
Who's in? I'm gonna pass.
I don't think your friends are gonna want me there.
That's not true.
You guys want him there, right? - Is that spreading? - We'd love for you to come, sir.
Another time, Mr.
Chambers.
Thank you.
- Uh, you have fun.
- OK.
So, anyone else want to crap out, or are you guys ready to celebrate Calvin's birthday? Trudge all the way in the snow to Dobler's? Yeah, I don't think so.
- Come on.
- Don't be a party pooper.
Everyone else wants to go.
Are we really gonna do this? The eight of us? Fine, consider this your birthday present, Calvin.
Yay.
Just what I always wanted.
- This sucks.
- I think it feels like Christmas.
Or that scene from Gremlins where they beat the crap out of the whole town.
- No.
- Like Omega Chi does to KT - at pretty much everything.
Up top.
- Yeah, bro.
- Everything but stealing goats.
- And Jenga.
Would you guys just give it a rest? Even the Germans and the British put aside their differences during World War I and came out of the trenches and celebrated Christmas together.
Yeah.
Instead of Jesus, we're celebrating the birth of Calvin.
- It's Calvinmas! - I just wanted one night for everybody to stop fighting.
Is that even possible? It is.
So let's sing Calvinmas carols.
Are you sure it's OK we're here? Who cares? Thank God for heat.
- Thank God for beer! - Let's not go too crazy.
If my manager finds out, I could lose my job.
My crappy job.
Screw it, knock yourselves out.
Hey! Beer Pong! What do you say, Cap? Want to give me a chance to make up for Jenga? - See what I got? - You're the Germans, we're the British, remember? Besides, I've always wanted to do this.
I'm OK! Hand me that soda thing.
- I've always wanted to play with it.
- Boom.
I'll go put on some music.
I would like a drink.
And since I'm legal, bartender, a whiskey sour, please.
- I'll have to see some ID, sir.
- With pleasure.
I don't know.
Calvin Owens? - This looks fake.
- Come on, Cap.
I don't know.
I could lose my imaginary license.
I'll serve you.
What do you want? - You? What can you make? - Yeah.
I can make pretty much anything.
Once you quit Party Down Catering, they bumped me up to full bartender.
- Whiskey sour? - No, I got it.
- No, I got it.
- No, I got it.
I got it.
Shouldn't you be over there groveling? I would've thought Calvin's speech would've inspired you and Ash to kiss and make up.
How can I make up with someone who's gone completely insane? The older man thing can be a turn-on.
Always worked for my dad.
Senator Ken Logan, in case you wanted to name drop.
Yeah, what Evan did was messed up.
But law school has a way of bringing out the desperate in us.
Or maybe you were right about the law school curse.
Oh, come on, there is no curse.
There are plenty of thriving couples out there - with lawyers in them.
- Name one.
Miranda and Steve.
Sex and the City.
Yes, he cheated on her, but they made it to the Brooklyn Bridge and reunited in the first movie.
If the only example you can come up with is a fictitious couple from a worn-out franchise, then I think both of our relationships are screwed.
No.
I'm just saying that if I had to choose, - I would choose ninja.
- Yeah, no, no, I concur.
Nunchucks are way cooler than, what, a peg leg.
But wenches and rum! Pirates win.
I arrrrrgg-gree! You guys ever noticed that old bottle up there? I've never seen anybody order from it and I've always wondered what it was.
What if it's a magical elixir that causes visions? - Or blindness.
- Guess there's only one way to find out.
- Who's in? - No.
- Yes! - The snow's getting worse.
We're not going anywhere.
All right.
Yes.
All right.
Sign me up.
- All right.
- Vile smelling.
- Oh, my God.
It's thick.
- Oh, no I'm rethinking this.
All right.
Birthday boy.
- OK.
- Here we go.
All right.
Here's lookin' at ya'.
Maybe for the last time.
- Down the hatch.
- All right.
- Oh, God! - Oh, my God! Uh, um, it tastes like feet.
It couldn't be worse than the sludge Trip - and the guys make us drink.
- I still cannot get used to you being an Omega Chi pledge.
That's weird, right? The funny thing is, if you and Rusty never roomed together freshman year, you wouldn't even care about the Greek system.
And if you had never met Rusty, then you wouldn't be with Heath now.
No, I'd like to think Heath and I would have found - each other eventually.
- What if Casey and Evan had never broken up? We wouldn't be so blissfully happy together now.
Yeah, and what if Rusty had never told Casey about seeing you two do the nasty? - We might both be Omega Chi now.
- Doubt that.
Know what? Maybe in some parallel universe you are.
William James, this American philosopher, he called it a "Multiverse.
" It's basically parallel realities that make up all conceivable possibilities.
So somewhere, I am Iron Man.
All right, all right.
When did you become such an expert on philosophy? - Uh, since I declared it my major.
- Your major? - Well, sell really has frozen over.
- Hey, Evan.
Do you think you would you have given Rusty a bid if he hadn't told me about you and Rebecca? - Sure, absolutely.
- Yeah, right.
There is one way to find out if he's telling the truth.
Waterboarding.
I'll get the bucket.
No! Kiss or Tell.
It's a game we used to play at boarding school.
You ask someone a question, and they have to totally answer truthfully, or they have to totally kiss you.
Didn't you go to an all-girls - boarding school? - What's your point? That sounds totally dumb.
- Yep.
- Let's play something else.
Well, it's Calvin's birthday.
What do you want to do? I say let's do it.
Great.
All right.
I will get more glasses and the feet juice.
You know, actually, it's starting to grow on me.
OK, just to be clear, you have to tell the truth or you have to kiss someone.
And Calvin, since it's your birthday, you get to go first.
Let's see, what should I ask? I guess it's a start.
- Calvin, is this your best birthday ever? - Boring.
That's easy.
Kiss.
Goody.
I've always wanted to do this.
No, still gay.
OK, my turn.
Uh, Casey, I have a question for you.
What is the square root of pi times ten divided by the speed of light squared.
- What? I can't answer that! - Too bad.
Hey, hey.
Nice try, sweetheart.
- It's Evan's turn.
- Evanilla? Is there anything you want to ask me? - Now's your chance.
- Yeah, uh, why are you such a jackass? I can't answer that.
Looks like we're gonna have to kiss.
Kiss, kiss, kiss! Kiss, kiss, kiss! I imagined this for so many years, now I can't even look.
Kiss, kiss, kiss! All right.
Just remember, no tongue! I said no tongues! OK, my turn.
Casey, who would you say is better in the sack, Cappie or Evan? I'm not going to answer that.
It's Cappie.
Just kidding.
Gotta answer the question, Case.
Fine, fine.
Um Cappie.
Um I want to ask my question to Ashleigh.
Are we going to be able to be friends now that Cappie and I are back together? The truth? No, I don't think so.
- Why? - Because You and Cappie are gonna ride off into the sunset together and now you have that special someone to turn to and it won't be me.
And yeah, we'll swear we're gonna stay close, but we're not that close now and we both still live here.
We're the real college relationship.
And we all know what happens to those.
- Ash, that is not - Your turn is up.
Who's next? Maybe there's someone out there like that for you.
- Is that a question? - Yeah.
Are you really into that professor guy, or is there someone else that you have feelings for? Please.
It's obvious the way they were all over each other Kiss.
- Wait, what? - What's going on? Uh, I have no idea.
It was you! OK.
Who's next? If you need to hurl, I think I saw a bucket behind the bar.
Shut up, Dale.
It's your turn, Rebecca.
- I have a question for Evan.
- What? Do you love the law and law school more than me? That's a ridiculous question.
No, of course not.
Then why won't you have sex with me? All right, I'm tired of this stupid game.
You got me to trust you.
You told me that I deserved to be happy, and that we could be happy together.
But you keep leaving me alone and making me feel crazy when I just want to know that you're there for me.
Maybe, right now, I love law school a little better than you.
At least law school isn't throwing itself at me like you did when I came to pick you up tonight, and acting all desperate and needy.
Look, I have enough pressure in my life as it is.
And if you can't deal, that's your problem.
Well, I guess I got my answer.
Nice.
Worst birthday ever.
I can't believe I wasted so much time on that jerk.
You sure you don't want some toilet paper? He doesn't deserve my tears.
- Rebecca, I really think - If you're gonna defend him and tell me to take a backseat to law school, you can leave this bathroom.
I was going to say you're right.
Your instincts are telling you that you deserve better.
And you do.
She's right.
Thanks for the girl talk.
Wait.
I'm sorry about all that stuff I said during our fight.
But how could you think we're a college relationship? We're like Sex and the City.
Yeah, I know it's a worn-out franchise, and they're not real people.
But Carrie and Miranda and Charlotte and Samantha are each other's soul mates.
And you'll always be mine.
With or without Cappie.
And you'll always be my soul mate.
And it's not a worn-out franchise.
I even liked the second movie.
- Me, too! - OK, good.
Oh, my God, I missed you so much! There were so many crazy things I wanted to tell you about! Me, too! I got drunk after our fight and then I had unprotected sex with Cappie! - And I had to take the morning-after pill.
- Oh, my God! - I know! - Then I started dating your professor! - And then I kissed Rusty! - I know, just now, in Kiss or Tell! No, I mean I kissed him for real the night before Homecoming! - What? - No, no, let's keep talking like this.
It makes it sound so much better.
Wait.
You kissed Rusty for real? Yeah.
It was, um It was right after our fight.
And he was so sweet.
And really drunk.
And it just kind of happened.
What about Segal? I was just starting to get less weirded-out about him.
I like him.
But with Rusty, it's just - Do you like him? - I I don't know! I mean, he's Rusty.
He's your brother.
Yeah, he's my little brother.
And even though he frequently annoys the crap out of me, I have to protect him.
You can't go messing with him unless you're sure.
Rebecca, look, I'm sorry tonight got so screwed up.
OK? But can't we just admit we've both made some mistakes and move on? I haven't made any mistakes.
- Except trusting you.
- You can still trust me.
It's too late.
I deserve better.
Even Casey thinks so.
What does Casey have to do with this? Blow on it again.
Here we go.
Yes! I win again! Correction, KT wins! Dang it! I mean, it must have been the alcohol throwing my game off.
- It is called Beer Pong, Dale.
- Man Hey, Ash.
Can we talk for a second? So it was you I kissed at Homecoming.
And I've been having this feeling there's something happening between us So I'm ready to answer your question.
Yes, I'm really into Simon.
So there's nothing happening between us.
- But the kiss - That was just one of those things you do when you're drunk.
So if I said or did anything to make you think otherwise, then I'm really, really sorry.
So I must've misread it.
Yeah, I guess so.
OK, so Well, I just want you to be happy.
- OK.
So, friends? - Absolutely.
Friends.
- What was that for? - I'm happy we're together.
And you know what? So is Ash.
We made up.
Well, go make up again so we can kick this up a notch.
Where do you get off telling Rebecca to break up with me? I didn't tell her to break up with you.
I told her that she deserves better than the way you've been treating her.
And I stand by that.
Well, your little empowerment seminar cost me my relationship, Case.
Uh, actually, you cost yourself that relationship, Chambers.
Just watch your back in law school.
'Cause now the gloves are off.
Anybody want some cake? Actually, um You left it at the apartment, didn't you? Yes.
Blow out the candles! And wish this night never happened.
Well, thanks, guys.
Uh some of you have been good friends for a while.
Uh, some of you, I've just gotten closer to recently.
And some of you, I don't really know.
We'll fix that.
You know, most people barely remember their 21st birthday.
This will be one I will never forget.
Don't forget to make a wish! Happy birthday.
Good morning.
And you're fired.