Grounded For Life (2001) s04e07 Episode Script

Do you have any idea what that is? I think it might be a bird.
What? No, not the bird.
The thing Uncle Eddie just got out of.
Why the hell would I ask you what a bird is? Boys.
Uncle Eddie, what's that thing out there? Next to the bird? That thing out there, young man, happens to be my new electric car.
Well, it kinda looks more like a golf cart.
It's not a golf cart.
It's a high-performance, no-emissions electric vehicle.
Yeah, and it's also supremely dorky.
Hey, listen, Jimmy, if saving our precious environment is dorky, then I guess I'm a dork.
But I'm not a dork.
So, where's your truck? I traded it in for that beauty out there.
You traded in your huge gold SUV for a bumper car.
You know, that's just the kind of ignorant, macho attitude that has this country enslaved to foreign oil.
Go ahead.
All right, go ahead, laugh at the crazy environmentalist.
I just thought it was funny-lookin'.
Ah! Ha ha! The polar ice caps are melting.
Hey, Jimmy, what's that blue thing-- Aah! Ohh! Ohh! Look out, there! Ohh! What the hell's this thing doin' here? Hey, go easy on 'em, Sean.
I'm as much to blame as anybody.
As much? The plug is plugged into your electric car.
Electric car? You gotta be kiddin'.
No, I don't kid where Mother Earth is concerned.
Okay.
Since when, Eddie, did you own-- Okay, now-- Oh, I get it.
Yeah, that's your angle-- the, um the hippy chick down at the bar.
What's her name? Tamara? Two years living at the top of a tree.
How'd you do it? How could I not do it, knowin' that the minute I came down, the chainsaws would start? They might as well be cuttin' off my own legs.
The feelin' you get when you're at the top of a giant redwood? You can't get that high from any drug.
Usually, I don't wear underwear, baby but when I do, it's made of hemp.
Hmm? Ouch.
Come on, Mom, how am I gonna get enough money for that? I don't know.
I'm not the one who went out and had a tattoo that needs to be removed.
What tattoo? There's no tattoo, Henry.
It's on her back.
Mom! Oh, let me see! No! Get away! Oh, cool! A brown elf! It is a golden sprite! Okay? Look, his name is Dean, just like your old boyfriend.
It's a she! Shut up! Henry.
Hey, stop lifting your sister's shirt.
Mom, it was a stupid mistake.
I admit that.
Yes.
It was.
And I'm admitting it! Don't I get points for that? Fine.
You get points.
But you don't get any money 'cause we don't have any money.
Oh, but we all of a sudden have money for you to enroll in college? As frivolous as that seems, yes.
Pfft! Oh! Who unplugged the coffee maker?! That was me.
Well, the coffee's ice-cold.
"Tepid" I'd accept.
"Ice-cold"? Be honest.
See, Eddie's tryin' to conserve energy by plugging his electric car into our outlet.
[laughs.]
Electric car? [laughing.]
What, are you tryin' to score with the hippie chicks? Thank you.
Enough.
Oh, come on, Ed.
Ed, the only way you'd drive somethin' so irredeemably laughable is if you were tryin' to get some.
If you think I need a car to get some, then you are sadly mistaken.
Now, I'm gonna go out there.
I'm gonna get in my far-from-laughable electric car, and I'm gonna enjoy this planet while it's still here.
Ha ha ha! Who is he kidding? He knows we're right.
** [theme.]
It's a great investment.
They do direct e-mail Internet marketing.
No! Come on, Sean.
Who doesn't love getting e-mails offering discount prescription drugs? Everybody hates that stuff.
No.
These, they look like regular e-mails, right? They're titled, like, you know "Why don't you call?" "This came from Frank.
" And then you open it up-- it's a wonderful surprise.
No, Ed! Come on, Sean.
When have I ever steered you wrong? Repeatedly! All right.
All we have to do is get the cars off the train and onto the boat.
You wouldn't be investing per se.
You'd be posing as an investor.
Unhh! And if the Treasury Department goes lookin' for the address, guess what-- it's an empty lot.
That just proves it.
You're due! Forget it! [telephone rings.]
Red Boot.
Hey, Dad, can I get a tattoo? No.
Lily has one! Actually, Henry, she has three, and you know what? She regrets 'em, she hates 'em, and she wants to get 'em removed.
Can I get one? No! Lily has three! Good-bye! [dial tone.]
Oh, what's that, Dad? Oh, I can get a tattoo after all? Aw, thanks.
I love you, too.
I can hear the dial tone, Henry.
Okay, Dad.
I gotta go.
Hey, Brad.
Hello, Mrs.
Finnerty.
You, uh, you wanna hear the classes I'm gonna take at Wadsworth? Awesome.
Okay.
We have Economics 101, Hotel Restaurant Management 116-- those are the practical ones-- and then to broaden my horizons a little Art History.
[flatly.]
Sounds really terrific.
Brad, is something wrong? No.
Everything's fan-freaking-tastic.
Brad, take this upstairs.
I'll be up in a second.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Why? I wanted to get my tattoo removed, but no, no, no, you wouldn't pay for it.
Now Now what? Well, let's just say some guys have a weird thing about seeing ex-boyfriends' names printed on their girlfriends.
Oh, my God! Uhh! Wha! Uhh! That thing! That thing! [laughs.]
It's--It's just a tattoo.
ItIt says "Dean" on it.
Well, y you can read in a mirror! WWow! That-- That's impressive! Not a lot of people can read in a mirror! There it is--his name! And it goes right down to your-- God! Oh Tuck it in.
Tuck it in.
Brad.
There we go.
Brad.
Aah! Ohhh How is it Brad never saw the tattoo before? Wellwhenever we I wasalways careful tolie-- Okay.
Yeah, I--I-- Ireally don't need to know this.
Good.
Good.
Becauseyeah.
I know.
So.
Right.
[chuckles.]
You see how I need the tattoo removed.
[laughing.]
Okay.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to spend my money so that you and Brad can continue to do something I'd really prefer you not be doing.
Yes.
No.
Mom! [sighs.]
Mom, you are literally killing me here! Hey.
What's goin' on? Turns out the brown elf is a new form of birth control.
Ohh! Okay, it is a golden sprite, not a brown elf, on a lily, which you named me! So! So? I don't know.
She's so mad I won't pay to get the tattoo removed.
That's a good move, Claudia, 'cause I have an investment opportunity that you can't pass up.
Sean? Baby, I'm ahead of you.
I've been tellin' him no all day.
Good.
Okay, now that she's gone-- No! No, no, no, Ed.
We're not throwin' away one more dime on any of your stupid schemes.
It's not a scheme.
Well, if it's not a scheme, what is it? It's somethin' I really need you to do for me.
Why? Why? Why do I need to do this? Because I need the money.
All right? I need the money.
What? I need money! I'm broke! I need the money because I'm broke! Okay? I-- I'm broke! What? I'm-- I'm-- I'm serious.
I can't pay my rent.
Whoa.
Wait, wait.
How-- how did this happen? I don't know how it happened.
It happened.
All right? I'm-- I'm-- I-- I got a lot of overhead.
Overhead? I got three kids and a mortgage to pay! All right, fine.
You win the big overhead contest.
I've had a bad-- I've had some bad luck.
You know, some things didn't pan out, and-- and it's caught up with me.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Finnerty.
Your Master Card was refused.
Oh, no problem.
That'sThat's not a problem.
This isn't a Warhol.
Oh, yes, it is.
Warhol never painted a can of Whoop-Ass.
Then why did he sign it? I'm sorry, Mr.
Finnerty.
Your Discover Card was refused as was your Diners Club.
Not a problem.
Oh! Ho, ho, ho, ho! What are you doin'? Repoing my car? What is-- What is this? Does it make you a big man, huh, rollin' up the window? You come outta that car! Come on outta that car, Huh? Will you, you big man? You're gonna repo my car? All right, come on outta there, you-- you Wow.
You are a big man.
You know, they have a button on the side that makes the seat go back.
I have a heart condition.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Hagan.
And I'm sorry, Mr.
Fontaine.
Don't be.
Why don't you wait for me out in the parking lot.
You're gonna take off as soon as I turn around, aren't you? Nah.
I wouldn't I ain't gonna do that.
Let's not drag this out.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Finally.
Finally what? Justice! Huh? For the workin' man! Ever since we were kids, I was always bustin' my ass, you were just skatin' by.
Huh? Laughin' at me.
I was puttin' into the subway.
Ha ha ha! And you? Huh? You get up at noon.
You never file taxes.
And somehow, you're the one with courtside seats to the Knicks.
How, Eddie? So, yes or no? You know what? I'm gonna savor this moment because all is right with the world.
How is it, Mr.
Free-and-Easy, here he is, groveling, begging me, the working idiot, for money.
How's it feel, Ed? Feels like crap, Sean.
Does it? Yeah.
It does.
It feels like crap, thinkin' you could turn to your brother in your moment of need, and you can't.
You know what? Keep your money.
All right? 'Cause I don't want to owe you anything.
Ed, Come on, man.
No, no.
Come on.
We can talk about this.
Don't worry about me.
I'm--I'm gonna be okay.
Ed, I'll write you a check! Come on! Ed! Damn it! Ed! God.
Eddie! Eddie, wait! Wait! Come on! Come on, Eddie! Come on! Hey! Come on.
This is stupid.
I got a check for you.
Please, will you stop? I said some things I shouldn't have said.
All right? But I got--I got a check for you.
All right? Please? Will you take it? Come on, just stop the car.
Come on.
Just-- [tires screech.]
Let go! No.
Not until you take this check.
All right.
Give me the check while I still have some dignity.
Hey! I'mI'm watchin' TV.
Yeah.
There's nothin' on.
Yeah.
You-- you just unplugged it.
Read a book, man.
You'll thank me someday.
New shoes? Yeah.
They're nice.
Thanks.
So you did a little shoe shoppin', huh? Yeah, a little bit.
Hey, hey, you needed shoes.
Yeah.
No.
Hey, it's-- you know.
You gotta be good to yourself 'cause no on else is gonna-- Ed, I just lent you a ton of money yesterday to pay your rent, not to buy new shoes! No, no, no.
The money you loaned me, I used to pay my rent.
I had my own money left over to buy the shoes.
You shouldn't be buyin' shoes until you pay me back! Okay.
I didn't know the loan came with all this fine print.
Ohh Ohh! Idiots! What--What happened, baby? Idiots happened, that's what happened.
Stupid idiots.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you talkin' about? I go all the way to Wadsworth.
I stand there in the registration line for an hour and a half 'cause the genius in front of me is all, "Should I take Dutch or German?" And I finally get to the front of the line, and the guy behind the counter says I can't even register 'cause my name isn't in the computer.
At which point, I nicely offer to type it into the computer for him with his face.
You were where? Wadsworth.
Wadsworth College of Staten Island.
To register for classes? Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me? I told you all about this.
I meanI remember you said something vague.
Baby, will you turn that light off? Yeah.
Can you picture me in college? Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the sound of that.
Really? Absolutely.
You the guileless young co-ed and me the stern old professor.
You've been a very naughty girl, Miss Finnerty.
You're late with your thesis.
[chuckles.]
I've gotta admit, I'm-- I'm a little bit scared.
Of course you are, but fear not.
There's more than one way for an open-minded young lady like yourself to earn her sheepskin.
[chuckles lecherously.]
[laughs.]
You're creepy.
Of course I am, but I'm tenured.
They can't fire me.
[laughs.]
I shall take you in the stacks! [laughs.]
I shall have you! I shall not be denied! You weren't even listening to me.
No, baby, it's just you-- you-- you say a lot.
Yes.
See? I knew it.
I knew I sent it in.
Here's the copy-- the form, the check.
That'sgood.
You found it.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
Eddie.
I need you to pay me back that money right now.
You just lent it to me.
I know, but I didn't know Claudia needed it to register for college.
I'm a little light, Sean.
I mean, you have any idea how expensive tickets to a Broadway show are? You bought tickets to a Broadway show? What do you think I needed the new shoes for? Sean.
Did you loan him money? It's none of her business, Sean.
Oh, my God! Did my tuition check bounce? Maybe? That money is our money.
You can't just use it without telling me.
You did! I told you, Professor Horndog.
Well not all that clearly! Yeah, well, you didn't tell me at all you were givin' money to Eddie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who loaned what? Your dad loaned money to Eddie.
Please stop usin' the word "loan" as a verb.
He lent me money.
What?! He's right, technically.
I don't care.
You loaned Eddie money? Do we still have enough for my tattoo removal? We're not paying for that.
What? Why not, if you're just givin' it away to Uncle Eddie? I didn't want to do that! I didn't just give it away to Uncle Eddie! I lent it to him! He's my brother! [all shouting.]
Knock, knock.
Is this a bad time? My parents want me to keep the stupid tattoo forever! You guys like that thing? We think it gives her a touch of class.
Come on, Brad.
Come have a snack with the tattooed freak.
I can't believe my parents.
They only think about themselves.
Lily, it's all good.
I'm-- I'm gonna pay for it.
Wha Oh, my God.
Brad, where did you get this money? Well, I been savin' up for your Christmas present, but, you know, now that-- Wow! Thank you! [chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
What were you gonna get me for Christmas? An iPod.
Wow.
Those are really cool.
Yeah, but, you know, some things are more important, so Yes, they are.
[laughs.]
But, I mean, now that you know about the whole tattoo thing, it's not that big a deal.
Right? I mean, there's worse things I could have done.
You want the iPod.
Really bad.
Honey, your tattoo sickens me.
I know, but they hold, like, three jillion songs! Lily, come on! How am I supposed to feel knowing that you have your ex-boyfriend's name permanently written on an elf on your back? O-Okay.
The reason I got the sprite [chuckles.]
was, yes, I-- I cared about Dean a lot.
ButI cared about him that much, and then I dumped him for you.
That's true, I guess.
Yes, it is.
[laughs.]
So the tattoo may say "Dean," but it's really a monument to you.
[chuckles.]
Okay, but you have to act surprised on Christmas.
Well, I have to wait until Christmas? Lilywhat's in this for me? You get to keep seein' the tattoo.
I wasn't spending our money.
I was lending our money.
Okay? There's a difference! Yes, but you lent the money to Eddie.
You lent money to Uncle Eddie? And you told me we didn't have the money for my braces.
The dentist says you don't need braces.
I still want 'em.
Why am I even studying? It's not like you guys can send me to college.
Yes, Jimmy, we will.
Okay? Well, yeah, maybe Wadsworth or something.
Not a real college.
I go to Wadsworth.
Oh.
Wadsworth is great.
I was just getting defensive in case they reject me.
Well, you know, I don't even need bottom braces.
I just want these two teeth to stick straight out! Oh, guys, listen.
No one's gonna go hungry because I lent Uncle Eddie [all shouting at once.]
[Eddie.]
Enough! [calmly.]
Enough.
I'm going to go and get your money back now.
How? I'm figuring it out.
This is ridiculous.
You're right.
I'm a bum.
We didn't call you a bum.
Well, you should've, because I took advantage of you guys.
I'm gonna make that-- I'm gonna make it all right now.
No, Eddie.
Wait.
No, no.
no.
You just-- Stop.
Eddie You just let me do this.
Okay? I will.
Just your car's still plugged in.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Wow.
That-- that was uncharacteristic.
So I can get braces? No, but your mom can take her classes.
We can afford it, right? Of course we can.
Plus, we should look at it like an investment.
Right? If you get a degree you'll be earning more.
Yeah, and it's not like you're taking some kind of ridiculous, impractical class like Art History.
[laughing.]
No way.
Huh.
Claudia? I'm taking Econ, too.
Okay? I can be a well-rounded student.
Right? Of course you can, Miss Finnerty.
You're the most well-rounded student this academic's ever seen.
Yes.
You know what? I'm droppin' your class.
Oh, serious mistake, young lady.
You're so close to an "A.
" One night of intense cramming should do it! Thanks a lot, Ed.
Glad to do it.
You sure you can afford this? Absolutely.
I got a smaller place.
Gave up your apartment? Yeah.
It's time to simplify my life, anyway.
You know, I'm in a new place.
It's funky.
It's got character.
Eddie! Equan is out of the shower! Your turn! If Equan used up all the hot water again, I'm gonna kick his ass! If you need to reach me, call my cell phone.
If you call the restaurant, you're gonna have to order somethin'.
Gotta say, Ed, I'm proud of you.
You know, this experience could be a real character builder.
Hey, you never know.
Yeah, I got a plasma screen TV for a Mr.
Fontaine? That's me.
Right upstairs to the left.
Watch the extension cord.
What? Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
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Burbank, CA