In Living Color (1990) s04e07 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin'listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe but someof the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, go, go [Announcer.]
Welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Show.
Now your host, Grandpa Jack Magee.
[Moaning.]
Oh.
Hi, friends.
.
.
and welcome to The Dysfunctional Home Show.
.
.
where we teach you how to live the dysfunctional lifestyle.
Are you ready for dysfunction? Great.
I'm all dead inside.
Oh, look.
Look who's here.
It's my pride and joy.
Daddy's little princess.
Daddy, you're drinking again.
Course I'm drinkin'.
It's the only way I can forget.
.
.
the way you broke your mother's heart.
You know, you're the reason she left me.
It wasn't my fault you were a hooker in junior high.
I thought all seventh graders had a beeper and a mink coat.
Slut! - I gotta go, Dad.
- Okay, okay, okay.
But before you go, give your dad some sugar.
Oh, Dad.
I'm seeing somebody, Dad! - [Screams.]
- [Grunts, Groans.]
See you later.
That's what you call tough love.
Aren't we just the model family? That is the number one lesson for today: Denial is the key to a dysfunctional lifestyle.
Write it down or send for the manuscript.
Okay.
Now.
.
.
we're gonna do some dysfunctional cooking.
Where's the food? [Man's Voice.]
Check the cupboard, Dad.
I know where it is! That's my son, the big director! Thinks he's better than me 'cause I have a drink now and again.
Son, you're nothin', and you'll never be nothin'.
Aha! There it is! Pork and beans.
Pork and beans! In a dysfunctional home, you gotta have 'em.
My ex wife used to cook for me.
.
.
till she started listening to her high society friends.
All of a sudden, she can't take a punch anymore.
Starts usin' fancy words.
.
.
like "self-esteem".
.
.
and "codependence.
" Okay, that.
.
.
that's just about ready for the oven.
[Shudders.]
I gotta remember to preheat this sucker.
[Man's Voice.]
The oven, Dad.
That is a refrigerator.
I know what it is! Nothin'.
Okay, now.
.
.
while that is slowly simmering.
.
.
I can always find something useful to do.
.
.
with this other oven.
- [Puffing.]
- [Gas Hissing.]
Where is that good-for-nothin', booze-suckin' son of mine? Jack! What are you doin' cookin' pork and beans? Pork and beans! Hey! I'm trying to kill myself.
Well, you gotta put the oven on high.
You don't know how to do anything right! You're a loser! Your brother, Bobby, knew how to kill himself.
He was a real man.
But not you.
Oh, no.
You can't even gas yourself right.
You are a failure, and you'll never amount to nothin'.
Nobody loves you.
Nobody! [Oven Timer Dings.]
[Man's Voice.]
Dad, Dad, that's the oven timer.
I know what it is.
It's the oven timer.
Oh, yes.
That looks delicious.
But watch out, 'cause that plate is awful hot.
Now.
.
.
all we have to do.
.
.
is put a lit.
.
.
We just have to add a lit.
.
.
We just have to put a little bit of garnish on it.
There you go.
There you have it.
Pork and beans.
Pork and beans! Now I can have this nice, sumptuous meal.
.
.
when I come back from my drive.
[Man's Voice.]
Would you stop him, Steven! Grandpa, no! Hey, give me the keys.
- Get off me, ya sons of bitches! - Give me the keys! - I'll kill ya! - Come on! This is lesson number five: Take everybody else down with you! [Shouting, Indistinct.]
[Announcer.]
This has been The Dysfunctional Home Show.
.
.
with your gramp host,Grandpa Jack.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Excuse me, folks.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Oh, yes, thank you for savin' our places, lady.
Appreciate that.
- Who are you? - Smurfs? - Oh.
- Oh, we got a real live comedian here.
She kinda cute.
She kinda cute.
- Don't they remind you of two little Cocoa Puffs? - Yeah, they sure do.
And you know I just get cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
I just go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Word, I'm about to go in and pull the prize right outta the box.
- That's what I'm sayin'.
- Do you have a problem? Yo, my name is Tony Roam.
Roam around 'em, Roam.
Roam around 'em, Roam.
- Ah, yeah.
- And this my man, Snuff Alofugus.
Cheese! Yo, yo, you know what? We're about to go Brady Bunch on both of y'all.
- Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo - Please, you're gonna make me sick all over my new outfit.
Besides, here comes my baby.
Baby? Yo, slim, you talkin' to my girl or what? Huh? Uh-oh, Snuff.
Uh-oh.
Looks like you got company.
What you 'onna do? What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna whoop you so bad, your mama's gonna feel it.
- That's what's gonna happen.
- Oh, my moms! - My moms! - Yeah, your moms! Your moms! - He got me cryin', Roam.
- Come here, baby boy.
- He got me cryin'.
- Come to Papa Roam.
- Ahhh.
- [Blabbering.]
He got me cryin'.
- Shh! Shh! - He got me cryin', Roam! [Roam.]
Hush little Snuffy, don't you cry Roam is gonna pop them in each eye That old punk went H.
Ross Perot on us.
I thought he wasn't gonna run, and he did.
Ho, ho.
Come no, man.
- Go get him.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, man.
- Yo, what's up, man? Who are you? - I'm the bouncer.
- Well, you better bounce your big ass outta my way.
- Yo, no, no.
Ah, that's it, man.
You done done it.
I'm about to go Redd Foxx on you.
- Oh, what's that? - Uh-oh.
- That's.
.
.
Come on.
- Uh-oh.
- Come on.
- He gonna go Redd Foxx.
That's where he beats you down.
.
.
while I go take the rest of your stuff.
That's right, boy.
I'll leave you scared sayin'.
.
.
"Oh, they're comin', Elizabeth.
This the big one.
It's comin'.
- It's comin'.
" - Hey, forget it, man.
I told you, man.
- You punks ain't gettin' in here.
- Oh, you done done it.
He's mad now.
Snuff is crazy.
This boy is crazy.
This boy's a fool.
I'm tellin' you, Snuff.
Yo, yo, go crazy.
Go Hulk Hogan on him, Snuff! - [Growling.]
- This boy is crazy.
I'm tellin' you.
- Go Playboy.
Go Playboy on him, Snuff - Playboy.
Oh, yeah, now Penthouse.
Go Penthouse on him, Snuff.
Ohh, take some of that.
Take some of that.
Yo, boy, I said you can't come in.
Why don't y'all come back on sissy night? - Oh, man.
See, now I wouldn't even take that.
- Uh-huh.
If I was you, straight up, I'd go MichaelJackson on him.
Oh, yeah, that's right, boy.
I'm-a come at you and rearrange your face.
.
.
and knock the black off you.
[Yelling.]
Let go, man! Now you gonna make me goJoeJackson on you.
Yeah, that's when I get with your sister, and she writes a book about me 20 years later.
- Now get outta here! - Man.
- Come on, Roam.
- I wouldn't even take that.
[Knocking.]
[Knocking.]
I heard you the first time.
Well, well, well.
If it ain't Mrs.
Charlie herself.
What am I being falsely accused of now, Your Whiteness? Uh, I'm sorry.
Are you Mr.
Homey D.
Clown? No, I'm Harry D.
Frog.
Oh! Uh, yes, I've heard about you.
I'm from the Department of Social Services.
.
.
and I have someone I'd like you to meet.
This is Homey, Jr.
Ha, ha, ha.
So let I get this straight.
I'm supposed to believe that this kid is mine.
.
.
just because you slap a red nose on his face and paint a smile on his lips? - I don't think so.
- Oh! Homey don't play that.
That's all right, Homey, Jr.
I know a very nice white family that would be all too thrilled to have a little son.
So let me get this straight.
You're gonna let them stick me in some white family who will treat me like Webster? I don't think so.
- Son! - Dad! Well, isn't that just the.
.
.
The bitch finally tracked me down.
I guess we got a lot of catchin' up to do, son.
Have a seat.
Let me tell you about whitey.
- [Bat Strikes Ball.]
- [All Cheering.]
Whoa! [Laughing.]
Hey, you two, come on! Do the wave with us.
Oh, yeah, join in the fun with all the nice folks.
- That's the spirit.
- Stand up and wave our hands in the air.
- Yeah, it's fun.
- Debase ourselves and sacrifice our dignity.
.
.
and act like a jackass just like you.
Ha, ha! I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
[Laughs.]
And that's the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
So the moral of the story is that women can't be trusted, huh, Dad? No, white women can't be trusted.
Let's play a game.
Okay.
This game is called "The Man's Monopoly.
" I'll be the chewing gum, and you be the Cheeto.
Okay, you go first.
Move five spaces.
One, two, three, four, five.
- Ah, you've landed on Bobo's Park Place.
- I wanna buy it.
Now, how can you buy it if you only makin' minimum wage.
.
.
and you got a wife and two kids, and The Man's raisin' your rent? - I don't know.
- Exactly.
So you go to jail.
But since you're new at this, Homey's gonna give you another chance.
Go ahead, move five more spaces.
One, two, three, four, five.
Oh, I passed Go.
Collect $200.
Yeah, but when you passed Go, you was in Mr.
Charlie's neighborhood.
So you go back to jail.
But I don't wanna go to jail.
This game's not fair.
None ofThe Man's games are fair, son.
I'm sleepy, Dad.
Where's my room? Oh, that's over in the west wing.
Follow me, son.
There you go.
Will you sing me a lullaby, Dad? Normally, I'd hit you upside your head.
.
.
but since you visitin', what the hell? Hush, little Homey Don't say a word Ain't that a siren you just heard Here comes a car with flashin' lights To rob little Homey of his human rights Which have been denied.
.
.
since every black clown in the days of our forefathers.
.
.
- when they cut off little Kunta Klownte's foot, and The Man.
.
.
- [Knocking.]
I'll get that.
That's for the oppression you're about to unload on me.
Well, l.
.
.
Actually, it seems there's been a terrible mistake.
I have got to take the boy back to his mother.
Apparently, he, uh,ran away from home.
Come here.
So you ran away from home, huh? You tried to use Homey as your backup.
You have no respect for authority and decided to play by your own rules.
I'm proud of you, son.
I got a little surprise for you.
This is Homey's first sock.
Use it wisely, my son.
I will, Father.
Are there others like us? Yeah, but they scared to put on the makeup.
Well, I suppose this is where we have to hug.
.
.
and have that tender Walt Disney moment, huh? And I'm supposed to clutch your legs and cry as they drag me away from you.
[Together.]
I don't think so.
Homey don't play that.
- Isn't this a touching scene.
- [Together.]
Shut up.
- Yes.
Come here.
- Now both of y'all.
.
.
get the hell outta here 'fore I kick you down the stairs.
- Right.
Yes.
- Hey, Junior? Give that to your mama.
Yo, what's up? Tonight we have Future Records/MCA.
.
.
recording artist Wreckx-N-Effect featuring Teddy Riley.
Unfortunately, Arkell couldn't be here tonight.
So, Arkell, this one's for you.
Wreckx-N-Effect, "Rump Shaker.
" Oh, yeah.
We're gonna do this.
All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]