Jersey Shore s04e07 Episode Script

[Lmfao's get crazy.]
- I'm going to Jersey shore, bitch! - All right, we got a situation.
- I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet.
- [Laughs.]
- After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.
- Go vinny! Go vinny! - Do you like the boobs? Adriano_CSI - I'm concerned.
I want you to have a good time.
You know what I mean? I'm just giving a reality check.
When you are hysterically crying, that's when I step in.
- I just wish everyone would stop worrying about me so much.
- I don't know what to say.
- We just love you.
You know that.
- That's it.
- I know.
Just don't worry.
I'm fine.
- Ciao.
- How ya doing? The fact that everyone's saying, "are you okay?" Like, "we were worried about you," blah, blah, blah, it just puts me back in that funk.
Like, shut the [Bleep.]
up.
I'm fine.
Let's do this really slow, so we just see.
I don't feel good.
I'm not really working today.
I'm tired.
I'm hung over.
I just don't wanna work today.
I hate work.
I'm not kidding.
I [Bleep.]
Hate work.
- Ciao.
Get your pizza! Yo, what up, boo? Let me holler at you for a second.
Oh, [Bleep.]
.
What up, girl? How are you? You got some shake in that- yeah, girl.
Work it.
- Feeling better? What's that? - What? Oh, wine.
- Oh, really? - This is so good.
- I'm really excited that Marco gaves the weekend off so we can go to "Rick-Cho-ho-le.
" - Hell yeah.
- Whatever it's called.
- Road trip! - We are going to Riccione tomorrow.
I'm just really excited to get to the beach.
- Tomorrow leaving? - Yeah, we're going to the beach.
You ever go there? You been there before? - Yeah.
- Yeah? It's nice? - I lost my- many pieces of my brain in that place.
- Yeah? It's fun? - Really.
- When I say "Riccione," Marco's eyes lit up like- like a Christmas tree.
He was like, "oh, Riccione!" And I was like, that's gotta be a good place.
You ready for this weekend? - Hell yeah.
- Nice beach weekend.
- I wanna shop for the beach tomorrow.
- Do you wanna go right now? - I wanna go right now.
- Yeah, okay, you have a break.
- Wanna go? - Where? - Down the street.
- Let's go.
- I'm very antsy to go to Riccione, so my mindset is not work.
My mindset is shopping.
How pretty will this be on the beach tomorrow? - Hell yeah, hell yeah.
I love shopping.
- Aw, look how pretty.
- You have flowers for the head? Oh, I like this shirt.
- Where is the people? - Try this on.
- Oh, do you have any smalls? My cuca will come out if I do that, though.
- What else is new? [Laughs.]
- Ronnie! Oh, my God.
Come on! - You know what, with the boobs - Get it, girl, get it.
- [Whistles.]
Come on.
It's pizza time.
- Be nice with the price.
We're hard-working citizens.
- "Hard-working"? - Yes! - Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
- Hey! - Come on.
- The boss is yelling.
We do hard work at the pizzeria.
- We sell mad pizzas.
- [Speaks indistinctly.]
- Ciao, guys.
- Ciao.
- Have fun! - See ya! - See you Monday! - Ugh, I'm [Bleep.]
exhausted.
- You're walking too fast.
I'm scared to call jionni, 'cause he's gonna be like, "what the [Bleep.]
?" [Buttons beeping.]
[Line ringing.]
- Hello? - Hey.
- What's going on right now? - What do you mean? - Well, last night you were beyond, beyond, beyond, beyond rude to me.
I don't know if you know that.
Do you, or not really? - No, everyone's saying that you were being rude to me.
- Who said I was being rude to you? - All my roommates.
- All your roommates? What are they - I guess Ron got on the phone, and you were like, "[Bleep.]
You, Ron.
Put my girlfriend back on the phone.
" - I said, "[Bleep.]
You, Ron.
Put Nicole back on the phone"? You guys are crazy.
Every one of you guys are absolutely out of your mind.
- Thanks.
- Nicole.
Ronnie got on the phone, talking [Bleep.]
to me, when I did nothing but try to help you.
Name one person who said that I was rude.
Name one person besides Ronnie.
- Jenni, Sam, Deena.
- All right, well, have fun I'm not coming now.
- Oh, you're not? [Dial tone beeping.]
Ugh, douche bag.
Thank God we're going on vacation.
Like, I need to get out, and do stuff, and get jionni off my mind right now.
All he said was, "well, I don't think I'm gonna come now.
" And he's like, "I can't deal with this right now," and he got off the phone.
I know he wants to come.
He's just saying- - he's being a drama queen.
He's being dramatic.
- Go away this weekend with us.
Let him breathe.
- I just don't get it.
Whatever.
All right, girls, get ready to pack.
- I have too much stuff to bring.
- Don't forget a bathing suit.
- I wanna wear a speedo.
- Are you doing casual or cute? - Cute.
Dress up.
- An Italian beach.
Does that mean nudity? - Does that mean ding-dongs hanging out? - I figure lunch, dinner, club, beach, so You can't be a girl and know exactly what you wanna wear.
You need options.
I bring six bathing suits, six club clothes, four or five day clothes.
Better to be over-packed than under.
Did you bring underwears? - Look at these.
- Are those period underwear? - I brought so many bathing suits, like, 'cause if there's a beach out here.
We gotta get out of here.
- Look at all Ronnie brought- bananas and nuts.
He don't got no clothes, nothing.
- Can you guys help get our bags? All: Team cuca! - All right, bye.
- The girls packed four bags each.
Mike packed like he's going to Miami for three weeks.
- You do realize we got a fiat, right? - Are you serious? - Take this car? - Eight bags of luggage and two fiats.
You do the math.
- Why do we have toy cars? - Hand them to me, and then I'll just drop 'em down.
I need the biggest first.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
- There goes our rental agreement.
- Got it? - Hold on.
Let me hook this first.
Let me hook this first.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
.
Don't scratch my fiat.
Y'all, am I throwing this up there? - Hold up, hold up, hold up.
That's not gonna work.
- How many guidos does it take to put luggage on the car? - Honestly, how come you've got so many bags? We're going to a beach for 24 hours, where you're not gonna need clothes, and you have no shirt on with flip-flops.
So there's no reason to have so much [Bleep.]
luggage on those little fiats.
What the fiat? Oh, my God, this is tight.
Ugh! My foot! - Roll out, boys.
- I wonder if there are shops where we can buy clothes.
- Deena's [Bleep.]
is out.
- Oh, yeah! - Oh, the [Bleep.]
panties! - Yo, I never danced my underwear off in my life! She goes hard.
I give her credit.
- Deena! - Why do I always have to be the mom? - Ow! I'm [Bleep.]
up.
- There goes my night.
- I like our car ride.
I like it.
- I know.
I'm so happy.
I'm, like, having a blast.
- Myself, the guys, the girls, we are so excited to go to Riccione.
There's been definitely a little bit of tension in the house, so a trip is definitely gonna do us some good.
- [Humming.]
- [Laughs.]
Oh, God, I can't reach.
- Oh, no.
- Sam! - Oh, my God.
- Us meatballs, we're short.
Like, we can barely touch the pedal in these fricken stupid cars.
So, you know, putting our hand out the window and, like, going through all that, it's tough.
- Have to do the Jersey turnpike on the firenze turnpike.
- In the car.
- Wait.
- Oh, my God! - [Laughs.]
- Yeah, buddy! - Riccione.
- Holy Riccione! Holy macaroni, we're going to Riccione! - I'm calling you, baby! - [Laughs.]
- [Speaks indistinctly.]
This looks like the penthouse side.
- This is nice.
- Oh, my God, this is so pretty! - Looks like seaside! - Does not look like seaside.
- It looks like Hawaii, so I feel like it's, like, and island, or maybe it's, like, on the border of, like, a continent, you know what I mean? So it's, like, by ocean.
- Look at the Italian flag.
Yeah, buddy.
Feel like I'm in Italy.
Y'all, this [Bleep.]
like seaside.
Look at the boardwalk.
Dope.
Let's go walk the boardwalk.
I wanted to explore right now, and the boys decide to go grab something to eat, and walk around, and see what Riccione has to offer.
- Hell yeah.
Just the right weather for me, baby.
- I think it's perfect weather right now.
- beautified - Weather's perfect.
Ring the bell, ring the bell, ring the bell.
[Bicycle bell chiming.]
- Yay.
- Is that Mike? - Where? - There.
- What the hell? E guy with the glasses on? - Right there.
- Little bit, little bit, little bit.
- LA situazione.
- He looks just like you, bro.
[Laughs.]
- I wanna, um, like, see the shops.
- Will somebody go on the beach with me?" - Yeah, boo.
One boob's bigger than the other.
[Burps.]
- Oh, yeah.
[Overlapping cheers.]
- My nipples are hard.
- Can I lick them later? - Sure! - Oh, my God.
- We're in the Italian water! - Yay! L'italia! - Italian whale sperm! - Oh, no.
- Get it! - All right, I need to get drunk right now.
- Let's go then.
- Well, I think everybody is really excited to just drink on the beach, you know, sit by the water, and just, you know, be like we're at home.
All right, so we want something that's gonna get us really drunk.
- Drunk? - Yeah.
- Yeah, we're trying to get wasted tonight.
- Yeah? - Cheers! - Salud! - Salute! - Every day we should do this.
- I don't know if I can do that.
- Did you just have an orgasm? 'Cause I did.
All: Blast to the glass! Blast to the glass! Blast to the glass! - Blast in the glass? - Yay! - Tonight we're definitely going hard.
I mean, we're bombed, so I can only imagine what this night's gonna bring.
Whoo! - I had no idea Italy had, like, a Caribbean island in it.
- Oh, here we go.
Cocktails.
- Can I get a pina Tequila? - What's going on over there? - What the [Bleep.]
is- oh, my God! - Come on, buddy.
Yeah, buddy! [Laughter.]
- Here we go.
Here's pauly in a couple years.
I'd say about ten.
- [Laughs.]
- Do you know what a cuca is? - Cuca? No.
- A cuca is another name for the vagina.
All: Cuca.
- A lady's private area.
- Ah.
- How do you say "vagina" in Italian? All: Vag-eena! - Vagina.
Vagina.
- Oh, my God.
Like, is this really happening right now? - That is not so good for girls speak this language.
- Why? - Because it's too - Risque? - Strong.
Yes.
- We don't care.
- Oh, we're from Jersey.
- We're from Jersey.
All: Jersey.
- Bro, get off of me.
All: Ciao! - I hope you get laid tonight! - So we leave the bar, and we're like, "let's go shopping.
" Of course, drunk shopping is never good.
I'm buying a guitar.
I'll take this.
- Oh, I'm getting this.
- Don't do a drunken buy.
- I have a big butt.
See? Err.
- Ooh! Can I have this one? Okay.
I just spent $400 on hello kitty.
- Venti quattro, i think, is five.
- Wish you were a lesbian! Weirdo.
- You're a weirdo.
- Stop.
Nicole and Deena are on a whole 'nother level of drunk right now.
[Glass shatters.]
- Oh, my drink! Oh, sorry.
- And me and Sam are kind of sick of it at this point.
Like, give me a [Bleep.]
break.
Deena, we're leaving! - Sam, Jen! Wait! - Wait, mommies.
I like that fricken hot [Bleep.]
hot bikini.
Hot pink.
- You're gonna get it tonight really hard.
- Man-whore! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! - That's how vinny says it.
- Sammi! - They're creeping me out.
- Jenni, your cheeks are out.
- Get it, Jen! - Are they mad at us? - A little bit.
What're you gonna do? - Why? - 'Cause we're drunk and stupid.
- I don't wanna be taking care of two drunk people.
Like, I actually wanted Riccione to be fun.
- [Laughs.]
Yay! - They're drunk.
Come on.
I don't- I just wanna go back.
Please.
Me and Sam realize we don't wanna continue drinking.
Deena and Nicole want to, so I think it's time that we separate.
- Oh, God, I'm freezing.
- I'm annoyed too right now.
- Where's Sam and [Bleep.]
jenni? They can't leave us.
- This is our door, I think.
- What moms leave their kids? - I hear house music.
What the [Bleep.]
is over there? - Let's go.
Can we go? - Do you hear it? It feels like heaven, like the gods have spoke, and we hear music.
- Oh, my God! - Don't run! Don't run! I'm gonna fall.
I'm not kidding! Deena, you [Bleep.]
! Jenni and Sam are, like, running back to the hotel.
So they can go back to the hotel, and me and Deena can go to heaven and dance our asses off.
[Dance music playing.]
- [Laughs.]
- Bravo! - Yay! Bravo! - All right, come here.
I'm definitely happy just being alone with Deena right now.
I mean, we have the same personality.
We like to drink, we like to party, and it's just team meatballs.
Let's have some more champagne and sit down-[Bleep.]
! - Oh! - Oh, my God! I'll [Bleep.]
beat you in the ass.
Don't do that! Then all of a sudden we see the boys, and we're like, "why are the boys so dressed up?" - You guys gotta go home and shower.
We're going to dinner at 9:30.
- What time is it? - It's 7:40.
- Oh, it's early! We'll be fine.
- All right, that's what's up.
All the guys are just watching team meatball just get drunker and drunker.
- Wow, Deena's wasted! - She pulled her [Bleep.]
out and everything.
- Right now Snooki and Deena are whacked off their face.
We're thinking there's no way they can make it to dinner or even out to a club to do this again tonight.
- Aah! - Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Snooki just ran into the bush face first.
- I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop.
I couldn't stop, you bitch! - Oh, my God! How did she do that? - [Laughs.]
- Holy [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
! - She has no underwear on! Deena is showing her cuca to the whole entire club.
Go and take a look at your face - Holy [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
! - I couldn't stop! I couldn't stop, you bitch! Team meatballs can handle anything when it comes to alcohol, so we're gonna go mad hard all day and then mad hard at the club.
[Dance music playing.]
- I took a hot shower.
How about you? - I feel [Bleep.]
amazing.
- Yeah.
- I wonder what those two are gonna look like.
- Oh, my God.
I don't wanna know.
I thought Nicole was the only person on this planet that has those abducted eyes, until Deena recently.
- Yeah.
- They are two of a kind.
- It's so weird.
They are kind of alike.
- So similar it's creepy.
[Dance music playing.]
- Yo, she's on the floor doing the [Bleep.]
cat.
The guys right now, we don't think the meatballs are gonna make it to dinner tonight.
Snooki and Deena are the meatballs, and they're not making it to the sauce.
- Deena's [Bleep.]
is out.
- Oh, yeah! - Oh, the [Bleep.]
panties! - Yo, I never danced my underwear off in my life! She goes hard.
I give her credit.
- It's only, like, Jersey girls that can dance so hard their underwears come off.
Who the hell does [Bleep.]
like this? - There's gotta be another place we can go to.
- Let's just walk around.
Snooki and Deena are just out of control right now.
The guys actually were like, "look, let's just go outside.
We gotta get out.
" - Holy [Bleep.]
.
One more shot and she's blacked out.
- This is it.
- Look at this lobster! Holy [Bleep.]
! These are dinosaurs.
- Saw a picture of the sea today - Deena and Nicole have the same abducted luck.
- We said this when we left.
We were like, "they're gonna be abducted.
We don't wanna deal with it.
" - Going back spells disaster, you know - What time is it? - We have to go home, and get changed, and like, be cute, you know? Let's go.
- All right.
- Where are my meatballs? - We watched them get drunk for two hours straight.
I watched Snooki run straight first into a bush, like how Mike ran into the wall.
- I just want them all to be here for dinner, and we can all go to the club on time.
- I can't wait to get to the discotheque.
- Can't wait to dance.
- I came to dance.
- We're ready to order.
- I don't even know what's on the menu, but I'm ready to order.
[Pounding.]
- Uh-oh.
I pissed on myself.
- What is that? - Fish of the day, bro.
- The girls are nowhere to be found, and we're starving.
We gotta eat, and we're just not having meatballs for dinner tonight.
T's get dessert.
- I think I wanna go out.
- Know what everyone's gonna say? "You're drinking too much," mur, mur, mur.
- 100, 200, 300? - Hello.
I'm over it, all right? - What is that? - You all right? - Um, vodka - And you didn't bring me none? - We just had, like, a six-course meal, and now the meatballs show up to get their dinner.
- Whoo! Oh, I can't yell.
Oh, God, I [Bleep.]
myself.
- Snooki and Deena, they knew for hours what time dinner was, for hours what time we were going for the club.
- I thought we- I thought we-whoa.
- Huh? I want your peppers, actually.
[Burps.]
- And we're still waiting on them.
- Stick with me and we'll be fine.
- Uh-huh, yeah.
Me and you have to stay together.
- If we both get crazy, it's not a big deal.
- Uh-huh.
- You ready? - Disco pop off! - Toodles! - Grazie.
Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
- [Laughs.]
- [Burps.]
- As he's itching.
What the hell? Wow.
Happy you made it here.
Discotheque.
- [Slurred speech.]
- Yeah - See! - Dee, maybe you should go out and stay home.
- No, I don't want- need to stay home.
- Like, what the [Bleep.]
is going on? Like, it's like a twilight zone.
And I'm thinking in my head, "this is gonna be a miserable time now, "because now I'm gonna have to take care of my friend who can barely even, like, sit up in the car.
" - I'm disgusting 'cause I'm- - you smell that? - Oh.
- Like, oh, my God.
I'm, like, I really miss you [Slurred speech.]
Everything- - this sounds like the cab ride home.
- I know.
- Not to the club.
This sounds like the one on the way back- - well, we're already [Bleep.]
up, so - We're not even at the club.
- What are you gonna do? Whatever.
- Tonight's gonna be one of those nights.
I already know.
- Just [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
.
I have no shame.
Can't wait.
[Dance music playing.]
- Yeah, boy! Gotta love Italy this time of year! The club scene in Riccione is pretty sick, and, you know, it's just jumpin', a good time, parties on the beach.
Sounds a little familiar, what we're used to in Jersey.
Oh, yo! - Oh! - I love this [Bleep.]
.
- I see underwear.
- Honestly, jenni gets really [Bleep.]
annoying to me, just because she's like my [Bleep.]
mom.
T/ and I'm like, "shut up.
" - I'm tired of being a mom.
I'm gonna be a mom in a couple years.
- You're the perfect role for everyone.
- Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I love Italy this time of year! - She has no underwearn! - Whatever.
I forgot to put underwears on.
- Deena! Deena! You have no underwear on! - No one sees it! - Deena is showing her cuca to the whole entire club.
- I saw your vagina.
- Whatever.
- It's bad enough if a nipple slips at a club, but you never are supposed to [Bleep.]
forget your underwear.
That is blech.
All I know is Deena needs a wax.
- Whoo! - What the hell? - What the [Bleep.]
is going on? Because Nicole's all about jionni.
And, Deena, are you lesbian? All I see in the reflection of this glass is straight vagine, straight vagina.
- I saw your [Bleep.]
vagina reflecting on the window! I tell Deena right away, like, "listen.
You are giving everyone a free show.
Put it away.
" And Deena's like, "get off of me.
" And I'm like, "dude, your vagina's out!" Hey, where are you going? - We're wandering.
- It's crunk.
- Damn! - Oh, my God! [Both laughing.]
- [Coughs.]
- Oh, my God, they're crazy.
They're [Bleep.]
crazy.
What the [Bleep.]
is going on? Because Nicole is all about jionni.
And, Deena, like, are you lesbian? - What the Nicole and Deena are digesting each other's tongues.
I am so skeeved out.
Like, I want to throw up.
- What the hell? Let's be honest here! - Does that turn you on? - No! [Laughter.]
- Deena is on top of Nicole, and she's not wearing underwear.
- Oh, my God.
Wow.
- What is happening? - I love making out.
I'm the best kisser, I think, in this whole planet.
Or on this whole planet.
On this whole planet.
- Oh, it's so awkward! Then I'm like, "all right, time to go home.
" Let's [Bleep.]
go.
- Party's over.
- God.
- Deena! Ow! - I'm [Bleep.]
up.
- [Laughs.]
Hey, Deena, stop making a scene, and "les" go! [Laughs.]
- Come on.
- [Laughs.]
Cool.
- Why do I always have to be the mom? - Come on! I love you.
- There goes my night.
- Wanna make out? - Okay.
- They've been making out for, like, three hours.
- This isn't an ordinary girl make-out session.
This is, like, they are going to [Bleep.]
each other when they get back to the hotel, and I have to share a room with them.
- I don't even make out this long with Ron.
- Oh, thank God, we're home.
- Oh, God, get me the [Bleep.]
out of this make-out session.
- You're, like-you guys are [Bleep.]
, like, lame.
- Oh, shut up.
- Let's go home.
Me and you are sleeping on the couch.
- [Speaks Italian.]
- [Laughs.]
- They literally were making out the whole ride home.
When we got home, they were still making out.
I felt like I was watching a porn for, like, 20 hours.
- I'm going to bed.
- Como se dice [Bleep.]
pop? - [Laughs.]
Good night.
- [Blows raspberry.]
[Laughter.]
- You're such a pervert.
- Oh, yeah! We're in Riccione, y'all! Wake up! - I get woken up kind of disturbingly.
Um, Ronnie swacked my wakeup call.
- We're in Riccione.
Yeah.
- We all got our own swagger.
Everything you say, do, wear is your swagg.
So "swacking" is swacked- like, if you get swacked, you get swagger-jacked.
- Let's roll.
- [Speaking Italian.]
- Whatever I do, or say, or wear, Ronnie does the same exact thing.
Busted big time again.
- Busted big time again, huh? [Laughs.]
- Ciao! All: Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao [Laughter.]
- I mean, sometimes the stuff I do is contagious, so I understand, but damn, I was surprised he didn't come to Italy with a blowout.
That's all I'm saying.
[Laughs.]
Mike, who woke you up this morning? - Ronnie.
- Oh, yeah.
Wake up, yeah.
- Swacking.
I think he's just trying to find himself.
One day it's situation, and one day it's pauly d.
- Just come up with your own [Bleep.]
, bro.
Be original, son.
- I'm gonna put it on the record right now that I am not a swacker.
Pauly, I ain't trying to Jack your swagg, my dude.
Yeah, buddy.
[Laughs.]
[Both laugh.]
- I wake up in Riccione, and Deena and Nicole is passed out.
And me and Sammi, we wanna go shopping together and enjoy the rest of our day in Riccione before we have to pack our crap and leave.
I flipped last night.
I, like, screamed at them to stop.
- Stop making out? - Yeah.
I wish I had the men in black zapper to undo the whole night, because I cannot physically, emotionally, economically, mentally accept the fact that Deena and Nicole just, like, hooked up like that.
- And they're like, "well, I'm sexually frustrated, "and you're sexually frustrated, so why don't we just do it?" - Dude, didn't Deena say- she was, like, uh, "I had my bi experience, and now I'm done with it," and all that? - But snooks went at it, and Deena, Deena was so down.
- It's, like, embarrassing to us while it was going down in the club.
I'm on jionni's side right now.
Now I can see why he gives her attitude when she gets drunk.
Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating.
It's whether with a dude, a girl, whatever they're into, it's still, like, crossing that line.
- Do you think jionni cares if she hooks up with girls? - Yeah.
Bro, the way that [Bleep.]
went down! - Yo, that [Bleep.]
's over.
If Nicole told me that she hooked up with another girl, I would definitely break up with Nicole.
- He's so worried about what she's doing behind his back anyway.
- He's gonna leave her ass.
- I'm gonna call jionni.
I have something to tell you.
- What? - But you can't be mad.
- Jionni might break up with her over this, and if that happens, I know Nicole will go home because of this.
- I might wanna get, like, a little souvenir.
- This is python? I don't like snakes.
Both: Ciao.
Grazie.
- Now what? Oh, those are cute.
- Ronnie, you gotta try these on.
[Laughs.]
Yeah, that's a good look for you, bro! - Wow.
I love it here.
Can we stay one more day? - [Snoring.]
- What the hell? The girls are still sleeping.
- No way.
- It smells like hot sweat and regret in here.
- We're leaving soon, guys.
- I don't feel good.
- So I wake up, and my [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
are out, Deena's spooning me, and I'm just like, "what the hell?" Both: Holy [Bleep.]
! - You look like death! - I need food.
- Didn't eat enough last night? [Laughs.]
All: Oh! - That's gross.
- I don't even know what that means.
- Regrets.
We got plenty of pop in the fridge.
Both: Oh! - Dude, what the [Bleep.]
happened last night? - I don't know.
- All I know is- - I don't remember a thing.
- I don't remember anything after we left that restaurant.
- I don't- I don't remember the club.
Do you remember the club? - I don't remember the club at all.
I don't remember anything.
- I remember making out with you.
- We didn't do anything else.
They're saying that we, like, hooked up, but I don't think so.
- I don't think so either.
- I don't know.
When you do sex- usually, even if I'm blacked out, I know I did sex.
- The only time I put you in check, to check your vagina.
- Her vagine was out all night, like, straight-up out.
- Like, legit vagina? - Like, her-she went like this.
There was a clear wall, and Deena goes like this, grabs the wall, goes like this, buh, like this.
- Yeah, like that.
- And the people- - and the whole crowd.
- The whole crowd are like- - you guys are two of a [Bleep.]
kind, let me tell ya.
- You guys were making out for, like, hours.
Both: Hours.
- But it was like - I feel like that's how we would-.
- Ew, stop, jerk.
- It was passionate.
Okay, Deena was on there, and you were like this-ugh! - [Laughs.]
- I'm not even kidding you.
- Samantha! - And I'm like, okay - My-what's- what did I do last night? - You were lying right next to us, right? There were knees up at one point, but I- - what do you mean "knees up"? - This is what I saw.
It was a little weird, and I'm like- - do you think jionni's gonna be mad? - Yeah.
- No, he's not.
- Hey, if he's not gonna be mad, then you have nothing to worry about.
- Checking out, room 406.
- Hook that to that left corner.
- Yeah, there we go.
- [Bleep.]
Ain't going anywhere.
- Ciao! - Smells like burning rubber, doesn't it? - I feel like it's our car.
All right, this doesn't even sound right.
- What the hell is that smell? It's horrible.
- We're smoking.
We gotta pull over.
We're smokin'.
- I drive a fricken fiat.
They can't keep up with a fiat.
- The fricken park brake's on! - Oh, my God.
She's burning up the [Bleep.]
- - my bad.
We made it! - The guidos qre back, the guidos are back.
- Oh, I'm gonna call jionni.
- Dun, dun, dun - Yo! Everybody quiet! I wanna hear this phone call! Can you put it on speaker? - Do you got any popcorn? - Ooh.
- [Laughs.]
[Buttons beeping, line dialing.]
- Hello? - Hey.
- Hi.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Trying to hear the confession.
- Are you done being mad at me? - I'm not mad at you.
- You were when I left.
- No, I wasn't.
- Yeah.
- How was your trip? - It was awesome! - So did you do anything bad? - Well [Giggles.]
I have something to tell you.
- What? - But you can't be mad.
- Here it comes, here it comes.
- I feel like you're gonna be mad.
- All right, what? - Jionni might break up with her over this, and if that happens, I might as well help Nicole pack, 'cause I know Nicole will go home because of this.
- So me and Deena got really drunk, and, um - What? What? - Oh, dear.
- Slow down.
[Horns honking.]
- Oh, my God! [Cars collide.]
- We hit the cop.
- [Bleep.]
Me! - They're getting out stretchers? Really? - Shut up! - I have something to tell you.
But you can't be mad.
- All right, what? - So me and Deena got really drunk, and, you know, we just ended up, like, doing stuff.
- What? - Like making out and, um, that's it, pretty much, but, like, it was intense, you know? - So that's all you did, was make out with Deena? - Yeah.
- All right.
Okay.
- [Giggles.]
- But finally he's like, "okay.
" Like, awkward, but everything's fine.
- All right, well, as long as you know you were good, and that's it.
I don't know what else I can say.
- Okay, I love you.
- I love you too.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Ugh, I'm sweating.
- Good night.
Have fun.
- Ciao.
- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- No, there's a girl and a guy in that room.
- [Laughs.]
[Bicycle bells dinging.]
[Alarm beeping.]
- Snooks, we gotta go.
Deena! We gotta go! - We had a crazy weekend.
I drank for a legit, like, 24 hours straight, and I feel like my body's still recovering from it.
So for me to wake up and go to the pizzeria at this stupid hour, I'm not that thrilled.
All: Buongiorno.
- Buongiorno.
Como esta? - Morning.
- Ciao.
Smile.
- I'm not a morning person.
- Ciao.
- So beware.
- It's a dog.
Oh, no, that's your shoes, sorry.
- Do you like them? I wore them for you.
- Too much hair.
We need to restock refrigerator.
You remember downstairs, okay? - I got ya.
[Guitar strumming.]
- I've never seen Mike work so hard in my life.
I'm surprised with Mike.
I mean, usually he's like, "I'm not gonna work," and he legit doesn't work.
He just stands outside and talks to people.
So the fact that Mike's, like, bringing up waters, and stocking all the fridges and stuff, I mean, I'm kind of impressed.
- Come se dice "job" in italiano? - Lavoro.
- Lav-"r," "r," "r.
" "Lavoyo.
" - Lavoro.
- "Valoyo.
" It's been about a week since I've been to work, and I feel fresh, I feel great.
It's a brand-new me, and, you know, I'm working hard today.
Nemo, the master pizza maker.
[Laughs.]
Nemo no like me? I'm too pretty.
- Let's hide.
- Hide where? - I don't know.
He was actually working.
Me and Nicole were like, mur, like, we don't wanna be here.
- [Gasps.]
I have a great idea.
- Yeah? - Shh! - Ow! My knee! [Laughs.]
- Wait.
- He'll never find us now.
- I feel like there used to be garbage in here.
- Doesn't smell like garbage.
- It doesn't smell like garbage.
- Buona pizza, buona pizza! - How do you just, like, maneuver this? - I don't know how I'm gonna get out.
[Screams.]
Ow! You [Bleep.]
! - Ow! You scraped me! - Deena, Nicole! - Oh, [Bleep.]
.
- Don't say anything.
Don't say anything.
- Sorry, I need your help downstairs.
- Buzz kill! - Big time, yeah! - [Laughs.]
- Officially hate morning shift.
- Whatever.
- Thank you.
- What are you gonna do? - Which way, right? Ugh.
- So work's over, and we're like, "oh, you know what? Let's get back into fricken, like, the whole routine.
Like, let's go to the gym, let's work out.
- Ugh, there's, like, traffic.
Well, what are you gonna do? Watch out, [Bleep.]
.
[Horn honking.]
Come on! [Horn honking.]
The scooters are like [Bleep.]
bees.
They don't give a [Bleep.]
if they get run over.
I feel like Italy shouldn't even have cars, 'cause first off, nobody knows how to [Bleep.]
drive here.
I was always scared to drive in the city.
Now? Yeah, right.
- Now you can fricken take people out.
- Yeah, I'll kill taxis.
It's just, like, chaos.
It's like, people are walking in the streets.
You have to drive in New York City times ten.
- I'm just gonna use my hands.
Clearly nobody else, like, looks at [Bleep.]
blinkers.
[Horn honking.]
Go.
Move.
God, these [Bleep.]
people are [Bleep.]
insane.
- [Bleep.]
You.
- Wait one second.
- They don't look.
They just go.
- Whoa! [Horn honking.]
Oh, my God.
[Horns honking.]
Slow down.
- Oh, my God! [Cars collide.]
- We hit the cop.
- [Bleep.]
Me! - These people are [Bleep.]
insane.
[Horn honking.]
- [Gasps.]
Oh, my God! [Cars collide.]
[Bleep.]
Me! - We hit the cop.
Oh, my God, are we gonna get in trouble? - Probably! What the [Bleep.]
! [Bleep.]
Up my life! [Sighs.]
Hi, sir.
- Driving license - I know.
It's in my- - car documents, and insurance.
- It's not with me.
I have to go home to get it.
- [Speaks italian.]
- So how does this work here? Do you get arrested if you don't have a license? - I don't [Bleep.]
know.
I'm just scared that I'm gonna go to jail again.
I can't call the boys right now, because I'll start crying.
I need Deena to call them, ask them, you know, you need to bring, you know, Nicole's license here, or she's gonna get taken away by the cops.
[Phone rings.]
- Hello? - Vin? It's Deena.
- What do you want? - We just got into a car accident.
Me and Nicole, we hit the cop.
But Nicole needs her license.
Look for Nicole's purse.
It's black.
- All right, what street are you on? It was very, very serious, you know.
We're running out the door right now.
I got it, I got it.
We don't know the magnitude of the situation, but we know we gotta get there quick.
- Where did she say she was? - Just some weird street.
Filippo strozzi.
- [Bleep.]
My life.
I can't breathe.
Ugh.
I'm gonna get [Bleep.]
right now.
[Horns honking.]
- Go.
Go.
Come on! - They're getting out stretchers? Really? - Shut up! He's putting a neck brace on.
I feel sick.
- Come on! - Yo, we gotta get there fast, though.
We gotta get there right now.
- I'm [Bleep.]
.
I'm not kidding.
- Test for alcohol.
- Like, give me a break.
[Device beeping.]
- Okay.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
, I'm dizzy.
What are they doing now? - Let's go.
- Don't do this.
Please! - Let's go.
- No! I don't wanna go in the back of a cop car ever again.
- Oh, my God.
- Please! Please.
I don't wanna go there.
This sucks! - Keep going, keep going, keep going, come on, come on.
- Nicole is locked up.
They might kick us out of Italy.
[Siren wailing.]
- [Bleep.]
My life.
- Come on, come on.
She's in the car.
- [Sobs.]
- Are you here, or is this a [Bleep.]
joke? Oh, my goooodness! Me and Jionni, we're gonna have guido babies.
I know it.
I can't wait to pop those suckers out.
Let's go in the floor show.
- We hear the doorbell ring.
- It's Brittany! Let me in! - I bring her in and put her in Mike's bed, so when Mike comes home with a chick, he's [Bleep.]
.
- No way.
Wow! - Ugh, this is gonna be tough to get out of.
- You're dancing like a [Eep.]
whore.
- What happened? - She's embarrassing me.
- Jionni! Where's my boyfriend? - You're acting like a [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
.
- Where's he going, jenni? - He's running away from you! I don't deserve this right now.