Kickin' It (2011) s04e07 Episode Script

How cool is it that they found the remains of the feared pirate longshanks when they added that new parking lot? Hey, why'd they call him longshanks? Well, have you seen the man's shanks? Uh, I'm sure they're not that Whoa.
Bro, those are some pretty long shanks.
I love pirate fest.
A whole week of pirate fun, and it drums up business for the wharf.
Hey, uh, don't you think the people that get so into it that they dress up are a little weird? No, I don't, Jack.
I think they're exactly There be me scurvy dogs! Arrr! Yep, little weird.
Rudy, I see you're really into pirate fest, huh? You got the boots, the pantaloons Oh yeah, I even had Fred the barber duct tape a couple of hooks to my hands.
What happens when you have to go to the bathroom? I did not think this through.
I'm back, and I got 'em.
Milton, you muzzle Jerry, I'll get the flea shampoo.
What?! No, I don't have fleas again, guys.
No, I got mama G's tamales.
I went all the way to Arizona to get 'em, and it was so worth it.
Why would you go all the way to Arizona for some ground beef and soggy corn Milton, where are you going? Arizona! Milton, relax.
You're not going to Arizona.
Ow! If I have to, I will take your arm with me.
Okay okay.
Never, ever come between a man and his tamales.
Be warned! This wharf is cursed! I hear that, you can't get a date either? eclipse caused longshanks to crash into these very shores.
Beware the eclipse.
It returns tonight! And so will longshanks, to take revenge on anyone found on this cursed wharf! Beware! Well, that was weird.
Uh-oh.
Hey, Jack, we've been friends for a long time, haven't we? - Yeah.
- And you know I'd do anything for you.
- Not gonna help you pee, Rudy.
- Mmm.
Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody won't you come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall that's just how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Hey, Rudy, that old fisherman yapping about the pirate curse spook you at all? Please, I am a grown man.
I don't get scared.
(High-pitched scream) Ty, what are you doing here? I had to take a second job.
Oh, so the rumors are true.
That's right, I had hair removed from some places and added to others.
Were your eyebrows at one time your pit hair? No, they were not.
What kind of a freak do you think I am? I was talking about the rumors that the black dragon dojo might close.
It's no secret a lot of your students - are now my students.
- That's right.
Old Ty has fallen on some hard times.
And if you want to kick me while I'm down and it makes you feel like bigger men (Crying) Then you go right ahead.
Look, Ty, we're not those types of guys Hey, erybody, look at Ty! He's a pit-browed burger jockey.
(Hearty laughing) Rudy? He said I could.
Rudy, ok, it's that creepy, old fisherman.
You guys aren't buying into that dumb ghost story, are you? - No.
- Little bit.
I mean, no.
I warned you.
Dude, I don't know what's scarier: Your high-speed vampire travel, or the booger in your nose.
You got a serious bat in the cave, bro.
Told you to leave before it was too late.
Well, it's too late.
Look, guys Longshanks, he's gone.
- What? - What? Oh, no no.
The fisherman said that longshanks would return with the lunar eclipse and take revenge on anyone on the wharf.
Look, it's happening.
Oh, no.
Rudy, calm down.
There has to be a logical explanation for this.
No need to freak out.
(Grunting) The spirit locked the door, we can't get in.
We're doomed, we're doomed! Pull.
We're doomed! Hey, come on kickin' it with you.
It sure was nice of your cousin to let us borrow his motor home to get here.
We made great time.
Oh, yeah, it helped not having to make bathroom stops.
Yeah.
Wait, there's no bathroom in there.
There is now.
Hey, yo, where'd the moon go? Oh, tonight's the lunar eclipse.
Strange events that you can't explain are known to happen.
Yeah, sure they are.
Oh, they gave me their phone numbers.
Okay, I can't explain that.
Okay, we're next.
Remember, mama G is very strict about how you order, so watch and do it just the way I do, okay? Hello, mama G.
You're looking lovely today.
Can I please have one of your world-famous tamales? (Bell rings) Hello, mama G.
May I please have one of your world-famous tamales? (Bell rings) Oh, thank you.
Looks delish.
(Moaning) You know what this could use? Just a smidge of hot sauce.
(Gasping) No tamales for you! But it was just a smidge, just a smidge.
Uh, no, no, mama G, mama G, forgive him, he's a friend of mine.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I did not know that.
In that case No more tamales for you, either! - What? - You are both banned.
Who gets banned for a smidge? It was just a smidge.
Thanks a lot, Milton.
You realize this is the last tamale I'll ever get from mama G? You can't get this anywhere, man.
It's a secret recipe.
Wait a minute.
No secret is safe from science.
I can deconstruct that tamale and know everything that's in it.
And then we can make as many tamales as we want.
That's a great idea.
There's just one problem I can't stop eating this thing! Stop it, just put it Get it out of your mouth.
Will you Milton! Milton: They're ready! Whoo! Dude, these are even better than mama G's.
I bet if we sold these, we could drive mama G's out of business.
Oh, let's do it.
Bro, what is your secret recipe? I use the rarest, ttest, hoand t, the red dragon.
It only grows on the night of the lunar eclipse.
Yeahone holiday my Nana ate a red dragon Chile, when she bent over to pick up her gifts she set the Christmas tree on fire.
Let's cook.
Man, this whole haunting of the wharf thing is my fault.
I'm what the paranormal experts call "ghost candy.
" Okay, look Rudy, I'll admit it.
There are some weird things going on around here, but I'm sure you're the only one that's overreacting this way.
(Ty screams) The wharf is haunted! It's all real, and it's all my fault.
I'm what paranormal experts call "ghost bait.
" You? Please, they're not here for you.
They're here for me.
You mean to tell me, if you were a tormented spirit from beyond, you wouldn't be all over this? Not if I had the option of this.
Oh, really? Well what about this? Uh, that's nothing.
Have you seen this? Okay okay okay okay.
What you two are doing is so much scarier than any ghost.
You guys are getting crazy over some stolen bones.
They weren't stolen.
Check this out I went to tell security about the missing bones and they showed me this footage from the surveillance camera in the courtyard.
Did you see that? Longshanks turned his head right at the camera.
Where'd he go? I've watched that 18 times and it still gets me.
All right, I can't explain that video.
But the one thing that I do know is that ghosts are not real.
You should start believing in ghosts, Jack.
Because you're looking at one.
Take the boy! (Screaming) (Laughing) Okay, guys, we have got to get out of here.
I've got a plan.
We'll sneak out the window, cut through the bowling alley, and go out the back doors to the parking lot.
Yeah, that's great.
My car is parked out front in a sweet spot reserved for pregnant women.
Wait a second, didn't I help you with your groceries this morning? Yep, you did.
And I meant to thank you Not one of my eggs was broken.
That's because I did some rearranging.
I made a little nest with the bread, muffins, and tube socks.
Guys, guys, listen.
I don't hear anything.
I think longshanks is gone.
(Scowls) (Whispers) He is so not gone.
To the bowling alley.
I can't believe you stole my night-vision goggles.
What, you think they're gonna help you see the ghost or something? No, it's so they don't poke my eyeballs.
That's how they get you.
Give 'em back.
- Absolutely no, no! - Give 'em back.
Hey Rudy, there's a strange mist coming from behind you.
Sorry, ghosts make me nervous.
Uh, no, it's a fog, and seems to be getting thicker.
(Screams) - Ty! - Ty! Oh, no.
Wait, he's gone.
No! They took Ty.
Ugh! That means he really is ghost bait.
Rudy, let's go.
This is the last batch today, people.
So if you'll please form an orderly line, we can get through all I'd love to see the look on mama G's face when she realizes how much business we're taking from her.
Yeah, that's pretty much how I imagined it.
Word on the street is your tamales are better than mine.
They.
Are if you're not seeing it, I'm fanning myself with a bunch of money.
Whoo! - You cook for us now.
- (Scoffs) - (Laughs) I don't think so.
- (Snaps fingers) Oh, are your big, powerful daughters supposed to intimidate us? Well, we will not be intimidated.
All right, sister.
We can do this the easy way Or the hard way.
The easy way it is.
All right, all we have to do is sneak through the bowling alley and go out the back door to the parking lot.
Rudy, it's another ghost.
This is bad.
I know, if he picks up this spare he's gonna beat my record.
Hey, no no no no.
That doesn't count.
You stepped over the line.
Oh, and you're dead.
Longshanks: Get off me wharf.
Rudy, it's longshanks.
Dude, we gotta get out of here.
No.
No, they're comes a point in a man's life when he has to stop running And start begging.
Oh great, dead pirate.
Will you please Back to running.
We're going back to running.
I can't cook anymore, man.
I made a thousand tamales today.
I'm all cooked out, man.
I'm cooked out! Jerry, calm down.
I have a plan to get us out of here.
See that machine over there? It's an old automatic tamale maker.
Every time I've gone on a bathroom break, I've worked on it.
I made some adjustments with some parts of a bicycle and I linked it to the remote on my keychain.
- What's it gonna do? - Mama g: Jerry.
I want to talk to you.
You become almost as good a cook as Milton.
We are opening another location in Texas.
You going there.
He's not going anywhere.
Come on, Milton.
This could be a great opportunity for me.
We're done cooking for you.
Oh, is that right? Let's go home, Jerry.
Hey, so you'll let me know about the whole Texas thing? We're going home, Jerry.
Go! No, quick, this way! Okay, we were wrong about that way! Not that way.
- Let's go this way.
- Okay.
Not that way.
Uh, let's go that way.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Excuse me, ghost pirates, if there's any more of you coming from this general dire Oh no, okay, here they are.
What are we gonna do, man? Arrr! I told you to get off me wharf! (Laughing) Rudy, we can't hit them but they can hit us.
Oh, that is so not fair.
Wait, this makes no sense.
I can hit some of them but not others.
I bet I can hit this one.
Nope, didn't hit that one.
Go and never return! (Clicks, humming) Wait, that's it.
That's it, Rudy.
They're being projected.
Some of the ghosts aren't real.
They're just holograms.
Of course.
You can't hurt me.
You're just a hologram.
That one's not a hologram.
Don't go up there.
It's scary.
No, wait wait, it's really scary.
Oh, come on, man! Please? Hey, Jack.
Weirdest thing, the ghosts locked us in here and forced us to host a radio show.
One sec And we're back, that was "lighthouse love" going out to Dwight from Wanda.
And now a word from our sponsor.
Pick up some snappy cat cat food and put some snap in your cat.
(Clicks) (Whirs down) You were behind this whole thing? Hey, the two real guys ran away once the holograms disappeared.
Ty? Oh, I see what's going on here.
The pirate ghosts forced you to host some sort of demonic radio show.
Ty was behind everything.
I told you, Rudy Ghosts aren't real.
He tricked us by using holograms and real people.
Hmm, the old projected hologram pirate ghost mixed with non-projected living man dressed like a pirate ghost routine.
I didn't know what else to do.
I thought if I scared you off, my students might come back.
(Crying) So I used the myth of the lunar eclipse and spent the last of my savings on this state-of-the-art hologram projector.
Yeah, this is getting a little awkward.
I think I'll just step out.
Oh, name's Shecky Gorkman, demonic voice impersonator.
Oh, I knew you sounded familiar.
Weren't you the voice of that angry baby in those diaper commercials? (Demonic voice) Change me, mommy.
Please don't call the police.
There's gotta be some way I can make it up to you guys.
Ty, it's not just us.
You ruined pirate fest, and cost people a lot of money.
How are you gonna make it up to 'em? I think I've got an idea.
Hey, kids.
Juts five bucks to play blast the pirate.
Who's next? This is a great idea, Rudy.
This will make up for the all the money that was lost.
Nice shot.
There you go.
I don't want the panda.
I want that big banana.
I thought you turned off the holographic projector? I did.
I think we learned something very important today.
What's that? I really am ghost candy.
Kickin' it with you.
Yo, what is this thing? It's the latest in hologram projection technology.
It can generate up to Rudy said not to touch the settings.
Oh hey, Julie.
This is my new girlfriend, tera.
She's a supermodel and 100% real.
You know, I'm just gonna leave you two here for a little girl talk.
Who touched the settings?! (Theme music playing)